NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Buffalo

These squads are each 1-0!? Crazy kids. Unexpected? Yes. But hey, "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." That's a Rudy Tomjanovich quote that doesn't really apply in this case since neither of the teams in question are champions; not even close. Yikes, how am I gonna get out of this one ... Hey look over there! It's Rudy Tomjanovich and he's reciting his famous quote: "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." Damn it! Of all the things I could have made up for you to look at I chose the very thing that I was trying to make you forget about. Clearly I'm rusty, as evidenced by my 8-8 opening week record. Time to get back on track with an old stand-by: Miami away from Miami.

Dolphins 27-23

Jacksonville @ Washington

The Jaguars jumped out to a 17-0 halftime lead last week in Philadelphia. Of course, they promptly surrendered that lead in spectacular fashion en route to a 34-17 loss. But the good news is that Jacksonville never even had a 17 point lead all of last season. They're getting closer. As for Washington, it's hard to say. Maybe they just got overwhelmed by a re-energized Houston defense in Week 1, or maybe they just blow. Then again, it could be both. I'm going to go ahead and take Jacksonville because I'm a dreamer.

Jaguars 17-14

Dallas @ Tennessee

Oh Romo. Oh no no no no no. It um, it's ... it's not good Tony. I know he was playing a good defense, but still you gotta show us something. Speaking of showing people stuff ... hey where are you going? That's not what I meant. I was referring to the Titans' dominant victory in Kansas City last Sunday. It's possible that I greatly underestimated Tennessee, which would be surprising because I'm normally excellent at estimating. For example, see that jar of jelly beans over there? If I had to guess I'd say there are 6 in there. I was right, wasn't I? Granted it wasn't very full which made things a lot easier on me, but the fact remains that I was correct, give or take a few.

Titans 30-21

Arizona @ New York Giants

Speaking of NFC East teams that already seem doomed, here are the Giants! It should have been obvious which team I was talking about since the Cardinals haven't been in the NFC East since 2001. You're not from 2001 are you? Still watching Laserdiscs and listening to your record albums? Haha, get a life ya renob (that's boner spelled backwards, which is something that everybody said back in 2001, so obviously you should get it). My guess is that the Arizona defense will cause lots of problems for Eli, because they're in the NFL and will be allowed to put a full 11 men on the field.

Cardinals 23-16

New England @ Minnesota

Ok Vikings, I see ya. Unfortunately I also see that you're playing the Patriots this week, and I can't see them starting off 0-2. And if they do? It may mean the end of the world as we know it. That world being the world in which Tom Brady has a beard. No way he keeps it if they lose again. (NOTE: I wrote that on Tuesday only to see on Wednesday that he's already shaved his beard. Brady, always one step ahead.)

Patriots 26-23

New Orleans @ Cleveland

Both of these teams are coming off wild and wacky Week 1 washouts. If you weren't able to see them let me just paint you a picture. These games had it all: double-digit comebacks, back flip catches, banana peels on the field, players on stilts, a Bane attack. And if you did see the games then SHUT UP! Why are you trying to ruin this for me?

Saints 34-25

Atlanta @ Cincinnati

Impressive and important would be the adjectives I'd use to describe these teams' divisional wins in Week 1. Those are also the adjectives that I often recommend/request people use to describe me. It's yet to happen, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop. Can't stop won't stop. The Falcons will most likely meet more resistance from the Bengals' D than they did last week against New Orleans. That resistance will frighten and confuse them because they're used to always getting their way, those spoiled little brats.

Bengals 24-19 

Detroit @ Carolina

The match-up between the Lions' offense and the Panthers' D promises to be entertaining. But can we really trust these men to keep their promises? Not after last time. I was left stranded at the amusement park all day. This is a bit of a tricky one, but I think Detroit being away from home will be their downfall; which is weird because you'd think they'd be thrilled to get out of Detroit.

Panthers 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ San Diego

So we're officially at the point where the Hawks should run Harvin on the jet sweep every single play until someone shows they can stop it right? You're probably thinking that the very reason it works so well is because of the moderation with which it's used and that overuse would render it ineffective. Fair enough. You kind of sound like an asshole, but whatever. Regardless, it's exciting stuff and I can't wait to watch this team again. And I won't. I'm drinking a pitcher of Zzzquil, wake me up Sunday.

Seahawks 31-13

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay

Disappointing performances from each of these teams last week. Well ok, the Rams' performance wasn't disappointing because it was the Rams, so it was hilarious. But Tampa, what was that? Were you aware that Josh McCown fumbled AND threw an interception on the same play? It was one of the more sad, pitiful things I've ever seen. Like watching a turtle on its back struggling for its life. Hopefully a good samaritan has happened upon poor McCown, picked him up and plopped him back on his feet again.

Buccaneers 24-12 

Houston @ Oakland

"Hello, my name is Derek Carr. You killed my brother. Prepare to AAAAHHHHH ..." (Gets sacked by J.J. Watt). Unfortunately for the younger Carr, this may not be the best opportunity for him to take vengeance against his brother's former team. Even without JaDaveon Clowney on the field the Houston pass rush should be enough to fluster the rookie QB.

Texans 22-14

New York Jets @ Green Bay

It would be unfair to judge the Packers based on their opening game in Seattle. Then again there's no such thing as fair in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE and Green Bay should be well aware of that by now. They catch a bit of a break this week though as the winless Jets come to town. Yes, I know that they actually won their first game, but it was at home against the Raiders, so it's basically a no win situation.

Packers 27-9

Kansas City @ Denver

The Chiefs suffered the worst defeat of Week 1; getting embarrassed by the Titans at home and losing two key defensive players for the season. BUT ... nope, I got nothing, they're screwed. To make matters worse they have to travel to Denver this week, and the airport there is super weird, like Illuminati type biz.

Broncos 38-20

Sunday Night

Chicago @ San Francisco

It's the grand opening of Levi's Stadium, and from what I hear the WiFi is supposed to be great! And good for them. Some teams need great WiFi as a selling point for their in-stadium experience. Other fan bases just show up, scream their heads off and create the best homefield advantage in all of sport. But hey, there's no one right way to do things. Good luck to you Santa Clara!

49ers 27-17

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Indianapolis

Very intriguing match-up here. With these offenses as volatile as they are anything could happen. I say "volatile," not explosive, because the Eagles caused just as many catastrophes in the first half as they did big plays in the second. Meanwhile, it took the Colts too long to finally get moving consistently in their first contest. But that's what makes these teams exciting, you never know what you're gonna get. It reminds me of that famous Forrest Gump quote. Ya know, "You ain't got no legs Lieutenant Dan."

Colts 38-35