NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Chicago

At this point I think it's fair to wonder whether or not the Packers are any good. And even if it weren't fair I'd still wonder it. You think I'm worried about being fair? Aww, hell nah. Fair only counts in buses and baseball. Green Bay is 1-2, with their only win being a desperation comeback over the Jets. If you're playing against the Jets and you're the desperate one you know you're in trouble. This week Aaron Rodgers told worried Packers fans to relax. The easiest way to make that happen would be to take your team out of playoff contention as quickly as possible so that nobody has to worry about winning anymore. But something tells me he hasn't thought it through.

Packers 28-26

Buffalo @ Houston

I had a feeling that we were due for a shoddy performance from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and he did not disappoint. Well he disappointed Texans fans, his family, and Ivy league graduates everywhere, but not me. We also saw a typically poor game from the Bills, which we've become accustomed to over the ... Jesus, how many years has it been now? This Sunday only one team will be able to rebound, like that infamous basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Albany Armless Warriors.

Texans 20-13  

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

On the surface this might look like a crummy game between a couple of 1-2 teams. But look a little deeper and you'll find that it's really a crummy game between a decent 1-2 team and an increasingly lousy 1-2 team. See if you can guess which one is which. If you've seen any portion of the Titans' last two games you'll know the answer. An "interesting" subplot to this contest is that the winner could wind up tied for first in the AFC South. Try not to shit yourself just thinking about it.

Colts 31-17  

Carolina @ Baltimore

Panthers, what happened? After impressive defensive performances in the first two games they went out and sprayed vomit on national TV last Sunday. And when you're feeling sick it's safe to say that the FlacMan is not what the doctor ordered.

Ravens 24-19 

Detroit @ New York Jets

Last week the Lions proved that they can win without their offense playing well; they probably shouldn't keep testing that out though. If I were them I'd go out and try to score a bunch of touchdowns on every drive. And yes, I know what that sounded like, and yes that's exactly what I meant. Multiple touchdowns per drive. Why not, huh? Where's it say that that can't happen? Ok, I looked it up on Google, and it wouldn't even let me type in the whole sentence before it told me I was wrong. Well fine, I never claimed to be an expert. This feels like one of those games that the Jets win just to make you think they might be decent when they're really not, and one of those games that the Lions lose just to confirm that they're not that great.

Jets 22-21

Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh

It's rare that you can predict a team to win only 7 games in a season and already know you went too high within the first 3 weeks. But that's where we are with Tampa. If things keep going like this the whole team will be out of work before the end of the year and these old Buccaneers will be asking us to spare some change.

Steelers 34-20

Miami @ Oakland

London, are you rrrrrready?!? Yeah, I don't blame you. The Dolphins have sputtered after an opening week win that had many thinking they were a team on the rise. The Raiders have sputtered after their Super Bowl loss 12 years ago. Gonna go with Miami on this one.

Dolphins 23-15

Sunday Afternoon

Jacksonville @ San Diego

It's rare that you can predict a team to win only 7 games in a season and already know you went too high within the first 3 weeks. But that's where we are with Tampa ... Whoops. Jacksonville. Sorry, bit of a copy and paste snafu there. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jags have been truly awful ever since they jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the first half of their opener against Philly. Over the last 10 quarters they've been outscored 119-27. Not ideal numbers.

Chargers 35-14

Atlanta @ Minnesota

It's impossible to see this match-up and not recall images of the classic NFC Championship game these two played after the 1998 season. The most memorable aspect of that contest, of course, was the battle between two aged kickers in which it was finally proven that Andersen was superior to Anderson when Morten kicked the game winner that had eluded Gary. It was a big win ... for Andersens.

Falcons 27-17

Philadelphia @ San Francisco

So far this season in the second halves of games the Eagles have scored 74 points, while the 49ers have scored 3. Leaving us to wonder just how big of a lead San Francisco will need to amass in the first 30 minutes to ensure a victory? I say 21. If they're up by less at the half there's no doubt that they'll lose.

49ers 31-27

Sunday Night

New Orleans @ Dallas

Phew! After going a full three weeks to open the season without seeing the Cowboys in prime time I started to worry that something was wrong. But finally here they are. And it couldn't come at a better time, they're on a two game winning streak! I think their miracle run will come to an end here though. At least you'll be able to tell your kids you were there to see it ... What's that? No kids? Well what are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger. Unless, of course, you have that Benjamin Button disease, in which case that would be exactly what's happening to you. But, if I'm being honest, I'm not even sure that that disease really exists. I mean I know they said it was based on a true story, but I'm willing to bet that they gave it what's known in the biz as the "Hollywood treatment." What does this have to do with this game you ask? Cate Blanchett was telling the story from a hospital in New Orleans, idiot.

Saints 38-31

Monday Night

New England @ Kansas City

Did you know that the Patriots have the fewest yards per play in the league right now? They're moving down the field about as fast as the actual patriots did during the Revolutionary War. Luckily for New England they've had six days to reload their muskets, so expect a good start at the very least.

Patriots 23-20