NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

San Diego @ Buffalo

Clearly the Chargers have the capability to play at superhuman levels. Was it all above board? That's not for me to say, I'm not here to police the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, I'm merely here to pose the question. Meanwhile the Bills are a surprising 2-0. Surprising to everyone except for their head coach Doug Marrone. Just kidding, he's probably also wondering what the hell is going on here. Until they win all of their games though I just won't be able to trust them.

Chargers 27-23

Dallas @ St. Louis

I don't know what to make of this game (and I've already ruled out a hat, a broach, or a pterodactyl). Both teams laid stinkers in week 1 followed by winkers in week 2. Oh what, you've never heard of a winker? That's when a team does much better than you would have thought, to the point that you assume they had something up their sleeve, possibly leading to them winking at the camera afterwards. Needless to say their performances were surprising. The only clue I have as to the result of this contest is that the Rams are playing at the Edward Jones Dome, and that kind of home field (COUGH COUGH) advantage is more depressing than anything.

Cowboys 23-20

Washington @ Philadelphia

RG3 getting hurt was the most predictable thing that's happened so far this season. Predictable and sad, like a Kenan skit on SNL. The Eagles have had to comeback from double-digit second half deficits in each of their first two games, and I wouldn't put it past Kirk Cousins and the gang forcing them to do it a third time. But they'll still do it, because they're masochists. Real sickos.

Eagles 34-26

Houston @ New York Giants

On paper this has Texans win written all over it. So wait, does that make two pieces of paper? I've really lost myself in this one. And maybe it's that type of confusion that has me sniffing a Giants upset. And guess what? It smells awful. But isn't there a little bit of stink in every perfume? Maybe that's just bull shit.

Giants 20-17

Minnesota @ New Orleans

The Saints are 0-2?!? Talk about surprising. An 0-3 start would be downright shocking. Luckily for them they're playing a Vikings team that will be without Adrian Peterson. Originally it looked as if he would play, but the Minnesota brass fittingly pulled the ol' switcheroo on him.

Saints 35-24

Tennessee @ Cincinnati

Each of the Titans first two games have had the final score of 26-10, with them coming out on opposite ends of the result. They're like the Isaac Newton of football. Assuming, of course, that Isaac Newton didn't play football, in which case he would be the Isaac Newton of football. If anybody out there has a photo of Sir Isaac tossin' around the ol' pigskin please send it my way and I will print an immediate retraction. Then again I might not. Just because one event occurred doesn't mean that another event of roughly the same value has to occur as a result; that's just stupid. Anyway, the pick here is obvious.

Bengals 26-10

Baltimore @ Cleveland

The Browns stunned the football world with their victory over the Saints in week 2. Some would even consider it surprising. Now they look to sustain their momentum against a division rival. And no, the division rival is not multiplication. I'm surprised you thought of that though, it's pretty clever; wait no, you didn't think of it, I did. Well that explains that.

Ravens 24-22

Green Bay @ Detroit

Two high powered offenses, get ready for some fireworks! Illegal fireworks. It's a sting! And they're all going to jail. McCarthy, you're busted. Cladwell, see ya. And not just the men in charge, I'm talking the whole teams. By the time the FBI gets done with this game there will be nothing left but an empty field and shame. And in case you were wondering, the FBI I'm referring to is Firework Busters Incorporated. They have their own shirts and they think VERY highly of themselves.

Packers 31-27

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jags let me down in a big way last week, losing by 31 in DC. I called up their team headquarters to chastise them but didn't get very far. I mean the guy on the phone said he was Gus Bradley and even went so far as to facetime with me to prove it, but I just wasn't buying it. As for the Colts, they've dropped their first two, but I hardly think it's cause for concern. Clearly Andrew Luck is just taking things to the next level and setting up a season long comeback.

Colts 30-20

Oakland @ New England

Here's a bit of trivia: Derek Carr currently leads the Raiders with 57 yards rushing. Sorry, did I say "Here's a bit of trivia"? I meant it to read: "Here's the saddest stat of the 2014 season." Be brave Derek Carr, you're the real hero.

Patriots 35-10

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Arizona

Looks like we can add the fact that he's a potty mouth to the ever-expanding list of things to hate about Colin Kaepernick. Kids watch these games, and we've got this guy out there saying God knows what. And to make things even more disgusting he went out and took a dump on the field in the 2nd half. At least that's what it looked like. Safe to say he's probably the worst role model in the league right now. 

Cardinals 23-21

Kansas City @ Miami

Where to start with this one? I know where to finish. My closing will be: "And when the dust settles, and the field slowly reveals itself through the fog, only one man will be left standing. His name will be Scooter. No one will know who he is or how he got there, but they will cheer him for his heroism on this day and they will never forget him henceforth." But yeah, I don't really know where to start.

Dolphins 26-19

Denver @ Seattle

The Broncos are coming to the CLink with revenge on their minds. Unfortunately for them, revenge is a dish best served cold, and that loss to the Hawks last season is still steaming fresh in their minds. As a result, their revenge dish will be sent back to the kitchen with a note that reads, "You're a shitty cook."

Seahawks 30-20

Sunday Night

Pittsburgh @ Carolina

When you think about it these teams are really mirror images of each other. Not sure how? That's why I told you to think about it. Still nothing? Ok, why don't you just e-mail me when you get it figured out.

Panthers 20-10

Monday Night

Chicago @ New York Jets

The Bears put together a stirring comeback last week while the Jets did the exact opposite. A coming stirback? Gross ... I think. After seeing each of these teams play twice it's hard to know what to expect from this game. But hey, isn't that why we watch? For the surprises.

Bears 24-21