NFL Picks - Week 6

Carolina @ Tampa Bay
Ok, it’s been three weeks now, I think we have a big enough sample size to definitively say Kyle Allen is better than Cam Newton! How else can you explain the Panthers going 3-0 with Allen as the starter and 0-2 with Newton? Have I actually sat down and watched a full Carolina game with Allen as the starter? No, but the results speak for themselves. It took me a minute to look up the Panthers' record with Allen, and now I know all I need to. I just saved myself 9 hours. Now the only question is how best to use that recouped time. Charity work? Maybe. Read a book? Could. Get sucked into an endless deluge of salacious true crime stories on ID, the murder channel? Hmm, feels like that’s the likely winner. Though maybe I’ll just use the time to get some extra sleep, because I’ll need it to wake up for this 6:30a PT kickoff. Does waking up that early for a Carolina/Tampa game come across as troubling or dedicated? I agree, troublingly dedicated. 

Panthers 23-17

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Cleveland 
Three of the Seahawks’ four wins have come by a combined total of four points. Some would say that they’re skating on thin ice, but I’d argue that they’re the ultimate showmen. They’re bringing the drama, and that’s what the people pay to see. I mean aren’t the most entertaining figure skating events the ones where they actually are skating on thin ice? You know, someone will be mid-axel then just come crashing through the surface and flail around wildly to the raucous applause of the audience? Actually those events are pretty underground, so it would make sense that a square like you wouldn’t know about them. And now that I know you’re a real drip it makes sense that you’re all up in arms about Seattle’s margin of victory. Sure, some folks like a nice, comfortable win, but not these Hawks. They live on the edge and keep the tension cranked all the way up. Sorry if you can’t handle it jabroni.

Seahawks 24-20

Houston @ Kansas City
If the Chiefs’ offense can dust themselves off after a middling performance last Sunday night, and the Texans bring the high-octane attack that they unleashed on Atlanta a week ago, this game could be downright wild. So wild, in fact, that CBS has brought in Joe Francis to run the production. It will almost certainly be a mistake, but sometimes you gotta take risks. And these starting quarterbacks know that more than anyone. They’re not afraid to push the ball downfield and keep their foot on the gas pedal. That being said, between the two of them they’ve only thrown one interception on the season. They’re managing to maximize aggressiveness while minimizing risk, something that cannot be said for Joe Francis. Which, again, is probably why CBS is making a mistake here.  

Chiefs 38-35 

Washington @ Miami 
Alright, what's next here? Let's see ... Uhhhh, oh shit. Oh god what have we done to deserve this? There are four teams on a bye this week, all of whom have winning records, so of course we’re going to be left with a good amount of lackluster squads on the docket, I understand that. But this is beyond lackluster. These are likely the two worst teams in the league, possibly competing for the 1st pick in the 2020 draft. At this point it really behooves them both to lose. Of course the players themselves are still going to compete, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see some dubious coaching decisions, perhaps dictated by upper management. I’m talking going for it on 4th & 15, punting on 2nd down, or even subbing Colt McCoy back into the game. All of the proverbial stops will be pulled out and I can only hope that the final score is 0-0. Though if these teams are smart they’ll start taking intentional safeties. So maybe we’ll see something like this:

TIE 4-4

Philadelphia @ Minnesota 
This is a re-rematch (they played last season too) of the 2017 NFC Championship game, a contest I feel will become lost to history. You may have forgotten about it already for all I know. First off, it was a blowout and wouldn’t be memorable on its own for anyone outside of Philadelphia or Minnesota. But what really buries it are the games surrounding it. The Vikings advanced to that round by way of the Minneapolis Miracle, an all-time classic finish that will live on forever in highlight history. And the Eagles followed up their demolition of Minnesota with a thrilling upset of the Patriots in a Super Bowl shootout for the ages that even a casual fan should be able to recall years from now. But that conference title game in between the Miracle and the Super Bowl? That stinker will fade away like a fart in the wind. Trust me, 50 years from now you won’t be able to recall who Philly beat to get to Super Bowl LII. Of course, you won’t be able to recall football at all, because our new lords the Zorgons will have wiped the sport from our collective memories and destroyed the earth’s supply of sports almanacs. Our conversation will probably center around the Zorgons’ favorite sport korful. Ya know, standard stuff like which squadron will win the Earthling Cup and who will lose and be summarily executed as per the sport’s bylaws. But even before that distant future I’d be willing to bet that in a few years very few will recall the 38-7 trouncing that propelled Philly to SB52. Will Sunday’s game be more memorable? What does it matter? If I were you I’d start boning up on the rules of korful.

Vikings 26-23 

New Orleans @ Jacksonville 
I look at this match-up and assume we’re all thinking the same thing, right? Say it with me ... Play the game on a barge in the Gulf of Mexico! Geographically it just makes sense. Does it make sense in any other capacity? No, probably not. And actually it doesn’t really make sense geographically either. Tallahassee is a perfectly fine midpoint if you’re looking for a neutral site. But c’mon, you’re definitely gonna watch an NFL game that’s being played out on the open sea, right? Well as it turns out, no you wouldn’t watch it, because you couldn’t. See, the barge wasn’t big enough to fit any of the cameras or other production equipment, so it can’t be televised. Boy this whole idea is starting to feel like a mistake. Furthermore, these teams are making plenty of waves on their own. The Saints have proven that they don’t need Brees to keep sailing along, while the Jags’ swashbuckling reserve QB has certainly made a splash. Hmm, all this aquatic talk has me liking the barge idea again. And wait a minute New Orleans’ QB is named Bridge Water. That one’s just obvious! Ok, that’s it, back to the barge!

Jaguars 20-17 

Cincinnati @ Baltimore 
After an overtime win over the Steelers last Sunday the Ravens proved once again that they’re ... fine. Just fine. Good enough to beat lousy teams but not quite a true contender. That’s not to say they can’t grow into a real threat, but right now it appears they’re merely a notch above mediocre. They’re like the California Pizza Kitchen of the NFL. Sure it beats Pizza Hut, but I ain’t bringing a date there. Not anymore anyway, I learned that lesson the hard way. But c’mon when I asked if she wanted a second appetizer she should’ve understood that I had no intention of splitting the spinach artichoke dip I'd just ordered. Once I picked up on her bad vibes I guess I could left her some, but I only had one pizza coming as an entree, and I knew from experience that that wasn’t going to be enough. Anyway, Baltimore is playing the winless Bengals this week, a game that meets the criteria for a Ravens victory.

Ravens 27-13

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Los Angeles Rams 
It’s a pivotal NFC West match-up, but are we really dealing with an even playing field? I’m not referring to the LA Coliseum itself, though it’s possible that the field is gnarled and slippery due to left over USC paint. The real issue is that the 49ers are coming off a short week after their Monday night win while the Rams haven’t played since last Thursday. This is a travesty! What’s that? Same scenario in the Hawks/Browns game? Well maybe it’s not such a big deal then. After all, teams have to play other teams coming off bye weeks all the time, and that’s a whole extra seven days of rest. They're the real bastards. San Fran was impressive in their flushing of the Browns on Monday, but the shorter rest coupled with the 45 minute flight to LA may prove to be too much to overcome against a Rams team that’s desperate for a win. 

Rams 24-19


Atlanta @ Arizona 
The Cardinals finally got their first win last Sunday, and at 1-3-1 they’re now technically better than the Falcons. Can that be right? Oh it’s right, and ya know what else? It might actually be true. Sure that sounds redundant, but what I mean is that Atlanta may legitimately be worse than Arizona. The Falcons have -50 point differential while the Cards are at -38. Is point differential the only metric we should judge teams on? No, but it’s one of the only metrics available when quickly glancing at the standings while trying to figure out who’s going to win a game between two last place teams. I’ll cut the Falcons some slack and point out that they have had a somewhat difficult schedule. Though when you suck aren’t all schedules difficult? While you contemplate that poignant question, I’ll just go ahead and take Atlanta, because they have to better than this, right? Did you realize that was the fifth question posed in this paragraph? Hey, there's the sixth!

Falcons 34-31

Tennessee @ Denver 
I can’t figure the Titans out. I’m not exaggerating, I literally have not picked one of their games correctly this season. They’re 2-3 and I’m 0-5. Theoretically I should just go with the opposite of what I think from here on out. The only problem is, I don’t know what I think. How could I? I’m completely flummoxed by these guys. Ok, let’s see, Tennessee is 2-1 on the road and Denver’s 0-2 at home, so that would indicate that the Titans have a decent shot at winning. Which, of course, means that I must pick them to lose ... right? Also Tennessee averages around 19 points per game and gives up only 15. You know what that means? We’re gonna have a shoot out on our hands! In the end I think the Titans get the win, which means I’m picking Denver.

Broncos 27-24


Dallas @ New York Jets
This Sunday Sam Darnold returns to a Jets offense that scored 9 points in his three game absence. Darnold must have that feeling us normies get when we take a vacation then come back to work to find everything’s screwed up and nothing’s where you left it. You’re mostly aggravated at your co-workers’ incompetence at covering for you, but part of you is shamefully giddy that no one could fill your shoes. It’s nice to be missed. I’m thinking Darnold and company can top those aforementioned 9 points in this game alone, however, it might not be easy. Before last week the Cowboys were only giving up 14 points per game, and after their letdown against the Packers they figure to be hungry for atonement. And from what I hear there’s more than a few James McAvoy fans on that Dallas D, so it’s safe to say they’re also hungry for Atonement. 

Cowboys 30-16

Sunday Night

Pittsburgh @ Los Angeles Chargers
I guess it's too early for SNF to flex out of a game, so we're left with this. I think we all know the most entertaining part of the game will be the man in the announcer's booth, and he's joining us now:
Oof, rough stuff CriColl. Sorry to hear that.

Chargers 31-10

Monday Night

Detroit @ Green Bay
Aaron Rodgers dominates the Lions. Wait a minute, Detroit has beaten Green Bay in four straight meetings? Well those two things don’t jibe. Or do they? You see Rodgers only played one of those last four in full. For his career Rodgers is 13-3 against the Lions when he makes it through the whole game. So really both teams have to come into this game feeling confident. But you know what Vince Lombardi said, “Football is a game that shatters confidence, and the balls have the biggest laces is sports.” The second part of that quote isn’t as pertinent, but that doesn’t make it any less true. So which team’s confidence will be lying in shards on the field once Monday Night is through? Probably Detroit, but who knows? One thing’s for certain, those laces are gonna be big as hell. 

Packers 22-16 

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