NFL Picks - Week 7


SEASON: 56-34-1


Sunday Morning


Detroit at Atlanta 

Damn you Falcons. I knew that once I explained how you’ve kept fooling me that you’d immediately win a game just to pull one over on me again. Well congrats! I hope you all had a big laugh! No, I really do. If we can’t just take a moment every day to laugh then what’s the point, right? Especially in this trying time. I usually save my laughing outbursts for when I’m at the grocery store. I think the other shoppers and employees get a real kick out of it. I can’t see their mouths because of the masks, but I’m sure they’re smiling under there. Last week both the Falcons and Lions held on to win after amassing double-digit leads. For almost every other team that wouldn’t be noteworthy, but if you know anything about these groups of yahoos, it is. Perhaps they’ve both turned over a new leaf. Or, a perhaps more likely perhaps is that they just did that last week to throw us off the scent before their grand Week 7 collapse-a-thon. During back and forth games we often hear about how many lead changes there have been. And sure, that usually makes for an exciting contest. But that’s nothing compared to double-digit lead changes, of which I expect there to be at least 6 in this game. Even though they'll be playing indoors, protected from the wind, it will ironically come down to who can blow it the hardest. 


Lions 38-36

Cleveland at Cincinnati 

Last week I foolishly decided to take a chance on the Browns, picking them to beat the Steelers. Who could’ve guessed that that would be a mistake? I only had this whole century to go by. Coming off of Cleveland’s blowout loss, Baker Mayfield said that their 4-2 record now felt like 0-6. After experiencing an 0-16 campaign a mere 3 years ago Browns fans probably had a good eye-roll at that comment. Hell, it took Cleveland three whole seasons (2015-2017) to get 4 wins. So 4 wins in 6 games? You got a dynasty on your hands Baker! One of those victories came against the very team they’re facing this week. But when the Browns beat the Bengals the first time around Cincy hadn’t gotten their first win yet. Now they have a taste for it, and they want more. These guys are hunting day and night for another hit of that winning feeling. They’re so desperate they’ll even take a tie, just to get close to that high. We’re dealing with some sick twists here. And guess what, I think they get their fix again this week. Will I live to regret this pick? No, because even if I’m wrong it will be because I didn’t trust the Browns, and I'm at peace with that. 


Bengals 33-30

Pittsburgh at Tennessee

Oh doctor, we’ve got a clash between the two remaining undefeated teams in the AFC. I got bad news for ya though boys, one of y’all ain’t gonna be undefeated after this one. Sorry, dems the breaks. Yeah I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone’s gotta keep it real. One of you will certainly have a loss come Monday ... That is unless the teams meet ahead of time and agree to a tie ... God no, they can’t do that! I broke the news to them! I was being a big man and wagging my finger! C’mon guys, I need this. Don’t do this to me, we can figure something out. Do you even understand what you’re doing?!? If you follow through with this I’ll be financially ruined. Don’t ask me how, it would be too hard to explain. Ok fine, I put everything I own on a bet that you wouldn’t tie. The odds were 1:5,000. How could I pass that up? It’s an easy opportunity to win $4. Who wouldn't jump on that?!? So that’s it then, huh? You’re just going to play to a draw and not care whose life it ruins in the process? Fine. But I’m not going to sit here and go along with it. On this site I pick winners and losers, I’m not a coward like you two. 

TIE 27-27 ... Whoops! Shit!

Carolina at New Orleans 

The Saints have said that wide receiver Michael Thomas is cleared to play as long as he’s healthy. Thomas has been suffering from an ankle injury, and was also suspended by the club for punching one of his teammates during practice. But that discipline is done, and he’s ready to roll for Sunday. Great news! Unless Thomas isn’t really interested in playing right now. And if he isn’t, he knows exactly how he can get out of it. That’s right, just punch another teammate. Or how about this, Thomas is in film study with his position group, he doesn’t like the match-up or the game plan, so he just walks up to the WRs coach and decks him. Then he calmly strolls out of the room and shouts, “See ya next week!” as he goes through the door. If you ask me Michael Thomas has it all figured out. It’s too bad I’m working from home, otherwise I’d be punching so many co-workers right now. 


Saints 26-23

Buffalo at New York Jets

Bad news for the Bills, after a 4-0 start they’re now 4-2 with a -12 point differential on the season. The good news for Buffalo? This week they’re facing the Jets, who are at -110 in the same category. No other team is worse than -56. New York is losing their games by an average of 18 points. Last week they were shut out by the Dolphins and became the league’s only winless team with an exclamation point. During that loss Joe Flacco was sacked for a loss of 28 yards on a 3rd down. Flacco is not very fleet of foot, so it wasn't realistic for him to think he’d be able to avoid the sack there. Retreating further only exacerbated the damage. The only explanation is that Flacco was trying to run home. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d announced his retirement when he crossed over midfield. Honestly it would have been the prudent maneuver. The good news for the FlaccMan is that Sam Darnold is likely to return as the starting QB this Sunday. The bad news is that now Joe just has to watch Jets games. 


Bills 31-17

Dallas at Washington 

Trailing 20-19 with under a minute left in their Week 6 game against the Giants, Washington went for two, eschewing a likely tie in attempt to win the game immediately. It’s an admirable strategy by coach Ron Rivera, mostly for his awareness that nobody wanted to watch any more of that game than necessary. Washington was unable to convert the try and now they sit at 1-5, dead last in the NFC East and one game out of 1st place. No wonder Rivera’s willing to take risks, what does it matter if they lose? They could get to 5-11 and have a decent shot at the playoffs. On Monday we got our first look at the Andy Dalton era in Dallas. On Sunday we might get our last look at the Andy Dalton era in Dallas. I mean c’mon, isn’t it about time we saw Ben DiNucci get his shot? Wait a minute, Ben DiNucci?!? Is that made up? That sounds made up. Well, looks like the Cowboys are stuck with Dalton after all. Good luck Red Rifle. Whoops, probably shouldn’t call him that going into this game. 


Cowboys 24-20

Green Bay at Houston

Aaron Rodgers spent the first four games of the season hellbent on proving that he still had it. And prove it he did, playing at an MVP level all the while. Then, in his fifth game of the season he scored a touchdown and did a celebration from a 7 year old Key and Peele skit. In one fell swoop this undid all of the work he’d put in and confirmed that Rodgers is truly stuck in the previous decade. After that he proceeded to have an abysmal game and his team lost by 28. This was no accident. Rodgers was punished by the football overlords for living in the past. Normally that would be enough to deter a player from ever attempting something similar. However, Rodgers oozes hubris, and if he scores another TD this week don’t be surprised to see him break out the Icky Shuffle or The Macarena. But beware Mr. Rodgers, for such defiance is not appreciated by the ... Ahh never mind, you’re playing the Texans. You’ll probably be fine either way.


Packers 38-27

Sunday Afternoon


Tampa Bay at Las Vegas

It’s Jon Gruden coaching his old team against his old team. Are we in some sort of time vortex or something? Isn’t this how Twin Peaks worked? It’s hard to make sense out of any of it. But who can make sense out of anything in this mixed up world we’re living in? I’ll tell ya who,  Hank Furtz for Congress. Furtz is the type of guy that won’t cave to the Washington fat cats, or the special interest groups. Hell, he won’t even cave to his constituency. That’s right, Hank Furtz won’t listen to anybody but himself and his God. And to be clear his God is Scott Caan. That’s right, the actor from such films as Ocean’s 11, Ready to Rumble, and Ocean’s 13. Ya know, Tweeter from Varsity Blues. Hank Furtz worships Scott Caan. Look, I’ll level with you guys,  I agreed to integrate a political ad into the blog this week in exchange for some cash. I don’t regret it, but I’ll probably do more research on the candidate in the future.


Buccaneers 30-27

Kansas City at Denver 

Before last Sunday this looked like it was just going to be the Chiefs blowing out a lowly, 1 win Broncos team. But after Denver’s upset win in New England this game now looks like it will be the Chiefs blowing out a 2 win Broncos team. Kansas City has beaten Denver nine straight times, and won their two meetings last season by a combined score of 53-9. Pretty astonishing, right? That the Broncos held the Chiefs to only 53 points over two games? Actually, now that I look into it, KC is averaging a mere 29 points per game this season. That might seem great, but it’s only good enough for 9th place in the league so far. It’s 2020 baby, scoring is up across the board! But it seems the Chiefs have stagnated. Sure they’re still probably Super Bowl favorites, but they’re not blowing the doors off like we’re used to. And I’m not sure that’s going to happen this Sunday either. Denver is just a boring team that drags their opponents down a malaise hole with them. So sure, the Chiefs will get their 10th straight win over the Broncos, but it just won’t be very entertaining. No deep bombs or flea-flickers. No alley-oops or zipper zangs. And don’t even think for one second that you’ll see a brumboozle. The Broncos haven’t allowed one of those in years. 


Chiefs 29-13

San Francisco at New England 

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m thinking that there are some back room dealings going on heading into this game. My theory is that Belichick has a secret arrangement in place with Jimmy Garoppolo to abscond together after the final whistle and rekindle their coach/QB partnership. However, that plan will go awry during the game when Jimmy turns it over a couple times and starts sailing balls over people’s heads. Belichick will watch it all with a disdainful sourpuss ... Ok, more disdainful than his usual resting face. After it’s over and the teams are gathering at midfield Garoppolo will approach Belichick, bags all packed and ready to go. Bill will just shake his head no. He won’t say a word; he won’t have to. Jimmy will lower his head and trudge off with the rest of the 49ers, the dirt on his face now streaked with one single tear. Kyle Shanahan will then throw an arm around him and say, “Hey Jim, why do you have your bags out here on the field big guy?” To which Garoppolo will reply, “Shut up KYLE! You’re not my real dad!”


Patriots 23-20

Jacksonville at Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers’ current four game losing streak has consisted entirely of one-score games. They’ve been sniffing around that second win for over a month now. Well, here come the Jags, the equivalent of a duffle bag full of herojuana. That’s a combo of heroine and marijuana. The point is, the Chargers should be honed in on this one. Jacksonville also hasn’t won since their opener, but these teams ain’t exactly oranges and oranges. Though oranges are grown in both the states these teams call home. That’s not important right now! The bottom line is that the Chargers are being presented with a golden opportunity to seize win number 2. What could possibly go wrong? Oh right, it’s the Chargers ... Nah they have to win this one, right? Right?


Chargers 35-20

Sunday Night

A mid-week COVID scare on the Raiders' roster results in this game being flexed into prime time. But is it a welcome change? Let's find out with the man who will be in the booth for it, Cris Collinsworth:

Whoa, we got both the SNF announcers. What a treat. Don't you guys think? 


Seahawks 38-30

Monday Night


Chicago at Los Angeles Rams

I continued to give the Bears no respect when I picked them to lose to the Panthers last week. Then on Saturday I was on vacation and saw a bear in real life. I should’ve known it was an omen, but I shrugged it off. Of course come Sunday Chicago won to go to 5-1 on the season. Point taken. If I see another bear this week I’ll really know it’s a sign. Especially considering that bears are not native to the town I live in. Though, if you go to the majority of the bars in the area you’re libel to find some. I think I’m starting to understand Chicago. They win ugly. They might not look very impressive, but they’re getting the job done. Which makes Nick Foles the perfect quarterback for this team, because, ya know, he looks like a goober. But hey, ya know what they say, never judge a football book by its football cover. And by football cover I mean one of those cool ones that’s textured just a like a real football, so that when you’re holding it in your hands you’re thinking, Oh yeah, this book’s definitely about football. Anyway, I still the think the Bears will lose this week. Prove me wrong! Send a bear to my house and make me eat my words! No I said eat my words, not it eat me. Ahh! ... Ahhhhhhh!


Rams 26-16 



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