NFL Picks - Week 8


SEASON: 65-39-1


Sunday Morning


New England at Buffalo

Both of these teams are coming off a rough Week 7. The Patriots were blown out by the Niners 33-6, while the Bills didn’t manage to score a touchdown against the Jets. Sure Buffalo still won 18-10, but when you’re playing the Jets, that’s as good as a loss. In fact, it’s debatable which of these squads had the worse week. But the fact of the matter is that the Bills sit atop the AFC East at 5-2, two and a half games ahead of their perennial tormentors in New England. This game represents more than just an opportunity to put added distance between themselves and the Patriots, it’s a chance to announce that Buffalo is the new team to beat in the division. It’s like when the younger brother finally outgrows the older one and beats him up for the first time. You can’t show any mercy. The older brother’s begging you to stop waling on him, saying you’re family, or that you’re godfather to his daughter, and other crap like that. But don’t listen to him. Just keep thinking of all those times the shoe was on the other foot, and said foot was holding you down next to some dog poop on the neighbors’ lawn. He deserves this, and all the questions he’s gonna get at the Thanksgiving table about his missing teeth. 


Bills 23-16

Tennessee at Cincinnati 

The Bengals have had trouble finishing games this season, holding fourth quarter leads in five contests with only one win to show for it. On the other side of the coin, the Titans have excelled late in games, including in their only loss, which came after they nearly erased a 20 point second half deficit. So maybe we should just cut to the chase and start this game in the 4th quarter with Cincy up 3-0. And actually, based on their ever so consistent track records to this point, we can pretty much surmise how things will go from there. Ok, game over, Titans win. We saved ourselves a lot of time. What should we do with our Sunday? Meet up with all our friends and get brunch? No! No! Stop it! Just stop.


Titans 30-23

Las Vegas at Cleveland 

Earlier this season I explained that the Chiefs had established themselves as the new kings of the AFC,  taking the mantle from the previous rulers, the Patriots. I then decided that it would be fun, and nonsensical, to transfer that crown to any team that was able to beat KC, even just in the regular season. Well guess what folks, the Las Vegas Raiders are your new Kings of the AFC. Yes, they lost to Tampa last week but the Bucs are an NFC team so that amounted to a non-title match. But this week, the crown is back on the line as the Kings take on the Browns. Last week Cleveland continued its season-long trend of either winning a shootout or getting totally creamed. Hey, if you don’t have it that day, you might as well not waste your time. It’s all or (absolutely) nothing with these a-holes, and I dig it. But which one will it be on Sunday? I smell a shootout. After all the throne is on the line, can’t phone it in. Hey, can’t phone when it comes to the throne. You think the Browns will use that as a rallying cry in practice this week? Do ya guys think? Hey, don’t look at me like that. I don’t see why it’s out of the realm of possibility that maybe the Browns will take my made up concept, then apply a rhyme to it and use it as motivation to try hard in their game on Sunday. Ya know what forget it, you guys are jerks. 


Raiders 35-33

Indianapolis at Detroit 

It would be nice if the league just treated this like a Super Bowl since neither of these quarterbacks will ever make it to a real one. They could put up decorations and everything. Ya know, give Rivers and Stafford a real thrill. And hey since it’s in Detroit, and not a real Super Bowl, the NFL could have Kid Rock perform at halftime. On second thought, it might not be a good idea to put Kid Rock on that stage two days before the election. Something tells me his political views might clash with a lot of the players’. We’ll have to get someone else then. Let’s see, there are a lot of famous musicians from Detroit, but most of them too famous for this gig. Oh, I think I just found the perfect fit: Ray Parker Jr., born in Detroit, Michigan May 1, 1954. And c’mon, the man who brought us the Ghostbusters theme performing the day after Halloween, when all the ghosts have been busted! This whole thing makes too much sense. 


Colts 24-21

Minnesota at Green Bay 

I picked one of these teams to make the playoffs. Don’t go back and check which one, just know that I picked one. So in a sense, I’ll be right when one of them does get to the postseason. Fine it was the Vikings! Hey, how was I supposed to know that Kirk Cousins was going to be so erratic? I only had his entire career to go off of. Cousins has been so lousy, in fact, that during the Minnesota's bye week he theorized that he wouldn’t be finishing the season if he continued to throw interceptions. But if I were in the Vikings front office I’d be thinking the exact opposite. Nice try pal, you’re gonna sit in there and throw all the picks you can, and you’re gonna like it too! Like a parent catching their kid with a cigarette then making them smoke an entire carton. That’s right, throw another one into double coverage Kirk; and you’re gonna keep doing it until you learn your lesson! Because we just gave you a $66 million extension this offseason ... (loud sobbing that’s embarrassing for everyone). Actually, the more apt analogy would be that it’s like if Macaulay Culkin’s parents had tried the cigarette discipline on him in 1992. Cousins knows he has them over a barrel financially, so really there’s not much they can do to punish him. 


Packers 38-22

New York Jets at Kansas City

Here we have possibly the best team in the league versus definitely the worst. As such, the expectation from many is that the Chiefs will win by 30. However, I’m thinking this could end being a classic lazy blowout game. You know, where the Chiefs barely care and would possibly be susceptible to an upset if the Jets weren’t so horrid. So KC will probably get up like 28-3 by halftime, then take out some starters and coast to a 35-17 win. A game so non-competitive that the superior team doesn’t even care to win by that much. And sure, one could always argue that the Jets are professionals, so you never know what could happen. I mean, hey, they get paid too. That’s true, but not nearly as much. The Chiefs’ roster is far better compensated thanks in large part to their superior talent. Why do I keep making the same point? I’m putting way more effort into this than Kansas City will need to.


Chiefs 35-17

Los Angeles Rams at Miami

Fitz sits?!? Miami has won three of their last four, and those wins have come at a combined score of 98-30. I understand the Dolphins wanting to get to Tua, but it’s now clear there was nothing Ryan Fitzpatrick could have done to keep the starting quarterback job. It’s sad to think about Fitz graciously hyping up the (reduced) crowd and cheering on Tua when the rookie came in at the end of the Dolphins’ Week 6 win over the Jets. The poor bastard probably didn’t realize at the time that he was applauding his own demise. Like a T-Rex gathering his fellow dinosaurs to applaud the beautiful, fiery asteroid headed towards them. That’s an especially heartbreaking analogy considering that due to its physical make-up the T-Rex likely wouldn’t even be able to applaud normally. Its stubby arms forcing it to merely slap its chest. It’s an effort as futile as Fitzpatrick’s turned out to be. Alas, wherever he goes Fitz will be no more than a T-Rex attempting to clap, waiting for the next asteroid. 


Rams 31-13

Pittsburgh at Baltimore

You’ve probably seen this game hyped as a “heavyweight fight.” And sure, this is a very important game and the rivalry is historically physical. But come on, if we’re going by boxing standards, the minimum weight requirement for a heavyweight is 200 lbs. Almost every player on an NFL team hits that threshold. So really, every game could be classified as a “heavyweight fight.” Yes, even games that involve the Jets. But what makes the description so apt for this contest is that the teams are each selecting one player to compete in a 15 round boxing match prior to the game. The winner’s team will get to call the coin toss. It seems like a mere pittance for such a taxing affair, but try telling that to Ben Roethlisberger. He really likes calling “tails”. Actually he also likes to say “heads” too. It’s because he’s a pervert. But that point is, you take any advantage you can get in a knock-down drag-out affair like this. And I’m taking about the game now, not the preliminary boxing match. Though, I suppose it could apply to both ... This is getting too convoluted, perhaps we should move on. 


Ravens 26-21

Sunday Afternoon


Los Angeles Chargers at Denver

Third place in the AFC West is on the line! Who will prevail?!? I would really respect CBS if that was how they chose to promote this game. Instead they’ll probably try to sell you on young, emerging star quarterbacks and explosive edge rushers. Snooze fest 2020! And that’s even with the extra hour of sleep we’re all getting on Saturday. I wanna know who’s taking that coveted 3rd spot baby! Hell that’s only one away from 2nd! And don’t get me started on how close 2nd is to 1st ... Seriously though, I won’t get started on that, because there’s no way anybody in the AFC West is going to overtake the Chiefs, so it’s pointless to consider. But hey, there’s an extra wild card spot out there this season and who’s to say it can’t end up with one of these teams? The NFL when it looks at the standing at the end of the season, that’s who. No, it’s not likely that either of these squads will make a playoff run, but it becomes even unlikelier for whoever loses this Sunday. So tune in to find out who has less of a chance of sneaking into the playoffs! There’s another tagline for ya CBS. These are free, you can have them!


Chargers 27-20

New Orleans at Chicago 

In the past I’ve spoken of triple P’s - possible playoff previews. Well this one is a PPFP - possible playoff fodder preview. By that I mean that both of these teams are good enough to make it to the postseason, but neither one so good that they’ll do much once they get there. Neither one has passed the eye test for me. And by that I mean using my eyes to look at their point totals. The Saints and Bears are a combined 9-4, yet have outscored their opponents by a total of 4 points. These guys aren't passing the nose test either, because something doesn’t smell right. In fact, nothing has smelled right to me for weeks ... Oh god, I need to get tested ... Anyway, though both teams have basically played their opponents to a scoring stalemate this season, New Orleans games have been in the 30-30 range while Chicago has averaged out at almost exactly 20-20. Easy pick here, I’ll just split the difference and ... damn it! Another tie! Ok, can’t do that again (even though Steelers/Titans almost went into OT tied at 27 last week just as I had accidentally predicted).


Saints 24-23

San Francisco at Seattle

The 49ers have gotten most of their wins this season via blowout, with victory margins of 18, 27, and 27 again. The Seahawks, on the other hand, mostly trade in one score games, be it a win or a (totally avoidable) loss. You guys thinking what I’m thinking? Get Jack Nicholson on the horn, because Something’s Gotta Give! Sure he’ll probably be a bit confused as to who we are, why we’re calling, and how we got his number in the first place, but once we explain the differences between the way these teams win games and that something, in fact, has gotta give, he’ll surely understand and appreciate that we phoned. Jack will probably even give us a great one-liner, like, “All I know is that when these two division rivals get together, it’s Batman! Whoops! Sorry, I meant to say ‘it’s As Good As It Gets.’” Give him a break, he’s 83 years old, we all make mistakes. Oh whoa, he’s calling back. “Hey, Jack again. Just wanted to say that in this little pigskin do-si-do, the winner will be whichever team has a Few Good Men. Or a few more good men I suppose.” Ha, alright Mr. Nicholson, we’ll talk to ya later. So anyway ... Jeez, he’s calling again. “Chinatown.” (Dial-tone) I don’t really know where to go from here. 


Seahawks 27-23

Sunday Night


Dallas at Philadelphia 

Hooo doctor. This game should be moved to Saturday night, because it is truly the scariest of them all. That being said, I'd watch any game so long as Cris Collinsworth is in the booth. Let's see if he can muster some enthusiasm for this horror show:

Ok, turns out he can not. Hang in there CriColl. And if anybody knows about that Tenet stream just DM Cris on Twitter.

Eagles 26-15

Monday Night


Tampa Bay at New York Giants

After back to back blowout victories over winning teams, the Buccaneers are looking like a potential NFC powerhouse. But don’t get too confident yet Tampa, because this week you’re not playing a team with a winning record. Nah, you gotta take on the ironically-named Giants. In a way they’re a much more dangerous type of team, because they’re the ones you least expect to cause any sort of problems. Still in another way, they’re the least dangerous type of team due to their lack of ability to win. To the Giants’ credit four of their six losses have been by one score, so they’re not totally uncompetitive. But in reality, with the way the Bucs are playing right now, it doesn’t seem feasible that they’ll pull the upset. Yes, it appears no opponent can derail this Tampa train. So the Bucs will have to do it themselves! See ya soon Antonio Brown! 

Buccaneers 29-13



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