NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo

Tampa and Buffalo. Hey is this a Week 7 match-up or the top of my travel bucket list? Checking the Week 7 schedule ... Checking my travel bucket list ... Whoa, it's both! Maybe I should have gone to this game. Then again perhaps some things are better left as dreams, unattainable Xanadus that could only be tainted by my physical presence. For me that's Tampa, Florida and Buffalo, New York. Speaking of tainting something with your physical presence, Jameis Winston left last week's game against the Cardinals trailing 21-0 in the 2nd quarter. Back-up Ryan Fitzpatrick entered the game and nearly brought the Bucs all the way back from what would become a 31 point deficit, eventually losing by a final of 38-33. This begs the question, does Ryan Fitzpatrick give Tampa their best chance to win? The answer is no. There are probably about 20-25 QBs in the NFL that would give the Bucs a better chance at winning. As for players actually on the Bucs' roster, which I suppose is more to the point, I'd still say probably no. Though, whichever one starts this week I still like the Bills at home. 

Bills 23-17

Baltimore @ Minnesota

The last time these teams met, in 2013, it resulted in one of the wildest finishes in recent memory, with a combined 36 points scored in the game's final 2:05. Within that time the score leapt from 12-7 Vikings to 29-26 Ravens. Also, I'm pretty sure it was snowing. Yeah actually it was definitely snowing, there was at least 15 inches on the field. In fact, the conditions were so harsh that at one point a yeti ran onto the field and devoured a Vikings linebacker, similar to the old computer game Ski Free. Don't believe me? Have you ever heard from Larry Dean since? Didn't think so. Anyway, can we expect an equal amount of zaniness this Sunday? I'd say no, but if some sort of mythical beast ends up eating C.J. Mosley don't say I didn't warn you.

Vikings 24-13

New York Jets @ Miami

Alright, I get it now Dolphins, you're just trolling us all. For long stretches you've looked like the worst team in the league and yet here you are at 3-2. It's possible that I've just been ignoring the fact that your defense is solid. But can you blame me? Your quarterback is Jay Cutler. He's an attention vacuum with that personality, and he's been sucking me right in. But enough is enough, I'm unplugging the vacuum and retracting the cord, because that's the best part of vacuum experience anyway. Also because if I left Cutler's cord dragging around behind him he'd probably trip up a number of his teammates, which is an added obstacle that the Miami offense just doesn't need right now. I'll pick the Jets just because the Dolphins can't get to 4-2 can they? That's impossible ... right? 

Jets 20-17

Arizona @ Los Angeles Rams

This week someone asked me if Adrian Peterson is back. I replied that I don't see color when I look at people, so I wouldn't really know, and frankly I resented the question. But, I've heard from others that yes, he is. I then realized that the person had said "back." I felt like an idiot it for about a minute, but quickly shrugged it off by reminding myself that I've read multiple books. The Cardinals have had some trouble this season and last winning games east of the Mississippi, and well, this game is being played in London, which is as far east of the Mississippi as you can get. Not geographically, I know, that's Bangladesh of course. But in terms of where a team might plan an NFL game, it don't get no easter than this. With that in mind I'll take Los Angeles, the home team.

Rams 30-24

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

At this point if you told me Andrew Luck was never going to play football again I wouldn't be shocked. Then again, I'm one of those assholes that tries to never act shocked so that I can make the other person seem less consequential. Luck has apparently suffered a setback in his rehab and has been shut down from throwing for the time being. This is a pivotal development, because being able to throw the ball is usually integral to playing quarterback. While Jacoby Brissett has not been the worst replacement quarterback we've seen this season, and possibly not the worst QB starting in this game, he doesn't inspire a ton of confidence; especially against a solid Jags defense. I'll pick Jacksonville to win, which of course means they'll lose because they live to make me look like an ass. Joke's on them though, because I'm doing just fine with that on my own!

Jaguars 29-19

New Orleans @ Green Bay

Aaron Rodgers' collar bone has broken, and with it so too may have the Packers' spirits. But hey, chin up Green Bay, not all is lost, at least you've got your health. Well no, I suppose you don't ... that's the whole problem. You know what you do have though? A boat! Yeah, that kick ass new boat that you just bought even though your wife, friends, and children told you it would be a bad idea. Screw them; they were way off, and now they don't get to come on the boat no matter what! We'll see how bad of an idea it is when you throw that baby into auto-pilot (or auto-captain) and water ski behind it. Yeah, that'll show them. However, when you wreck it and break your collar bone you'll have to admit that it's pretty ironic. This has all the makings of a classic Saints stinker, even with Brett Hundley at QB for Green Bay.

Packers 17-16

Carolina @ Chicago

This could be a tricky game to pick since the Bears have been surprisingly feisty in most of their games this season and the Panthers are a different team without Luke Kuechly. Yes, a difficult pick indeed ... Too bad Pickler's dead. Just kidding, it's not too bad, that guy sucked. Sure his rhymes were cute or whatever, but he was a real nuisance. Besides I can make my own rhymes. How about this: Eenie meenie miney mo, I think I'll pick Chi-ca-go! Yeah, there we go. Hmm, is that even who I want to pick though or am I just doing it for the rhyme? How did I make this even harder? Ugh, I need someone to help me with this ... No! No I don't. I'll do this on my own. Carolina wins a close one,

Panthers 23-20

Tennessee @ Cleveland

The Browns have announced that DeShone Kizer will return to his role as the starting quarterback, meaning the Kevin Hogan experiment only lasted one week. I'd say that that's unfair except the truly unfair thing was probably subjecting Kevin Hogan to starting for the Browns in the first place. So for now it's back to Kizer, he of the 3 touchdowns and 9 interceptions. This is sort of like a feral child that's been taken in but still decides to sleep outside because it's the only way they know how anymore. Look I'm not saying that Kevin Hogan is a comfortable, human bed, but Kizer is a return to reckless and uncivilized behavior that will continue to be a hallmark of the Browns organization until they re-learn that they are, indeed humans, and should live inside with their family. 

Titans 31-17

Sunday Afternoon

Dallas @ San Francisco

News broke early this week that Ezekiel Elliott's 6 game suspension had been reinstated and that he'd start serving it immediately. Then on Wednesday Elliott was granted a temporary restraining order that somehow delayed the suspension yet again. It seems like the only thing that's being suspended here is the suspension itself, am I right? At this point, if I were Elliott, I'd really start to flaunt how effectively my legal team is manipulating the system by wearing suspenders to the game; then going bungee jumping on my day off; and finally, the coup de grace, I'd be wheeled into my Wednesday press conference submerged in a tank of semi-gelatinous goo in a state of suspended animation. On second thought though, the powers that be might not respond well to such elaborate provocation. Expect this to be a close one, because that's what we should always expect from the 49ers at this point. 

Cowboys 27-23

Denver @ Los Angeles Chargers

The Broncos suffered a shocking loss to an injury-depleted, winless Giants team last Sunday night. Luckily for Denver they now travel to LA for a home game. There they'll face the Chargers who have shockingly won consecutive close games. Is this a sign that they've turned a corner and put their history of heartbreaking losses behind them? Doubtful. This is like when your puppy happens to poop outside a couple times; just because the circumstances broke correctly doesn't mean he's potty-trained.

Broncos 23-20 

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Something entertaining always happens when these divisional rivals clash. Then again, this season the Steelers' offense has been underachieving while the Bengals' D has been surprisingly stout. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Pittsburgh's defense has been solid and the Cincy offense has only somewhat recovered from a putrid beginning to the season. Sooo I guess when I promised entertainment I assumed you were a big fan of ugly, low-scoring games. And if that's true, well you are one sick, sadistic son of a bitch ... and I dig it. Feel free to get weird with this one ya freak. 

Steelers 16-9

Seattle @ New York Giants

The nation is still reeling from the Giants' stunning upset of the Broncos last Sunday. It wasn't just that New York came into the game winless, but they were basically without a receiving corps. However, that ragtag crew of wide receivers shattered expectations by combining for 22 yards on 2 catches. Uhh, never mind, that's almost exactly what everybody expected. The real key was that the Giants' defense played the type of game that dummies who picked them to go far in the playoffs were expecting from them at the beginning of the season. If they play close to that level we should see a low-scoring game that will make for an enticing Afternoon for that sicko I was talking about in that last game.

Seahawks 17-10 

Sunday Night

Atlanta @ New England

It's the most anticipated rematch of the season, and the best color commentator in the biz will be in the booth to cover it. Let's turn it over to him now; whaddaya got CriColl?

Mr. Collinsworth's opinions on the MTV show "Wild N' Out" do not necessarily reflect those of Henry Cotto's Mustache. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't make a pick Cris. I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own; give me Atlanta because ... revenge.

Falcons 38-34

Monday Night

Washington @ Philadelphia

It's a rematch from Week 1, a bygone age when none of us knew that the Eagles would become the best team in the NFL. That is, if you trust their record, and I for one do; records never lie. With the exception of most of the statistical records in baseball, Kim Jong Il's various sporting achievements, and "Girl You Know It's True" by Milli Vanilli. Ok maybe records do lie sometimes. And maybe it crushes little kids who believed that two braided, Europrean men could make beautiful music. And maybe other kids made fun of one of their classmates for crying when the band was exposed as frauds; but he wasn't crying, it was raining outside. It was the rain! The rain! I'll take Philly.

Eagles 27-20

NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

Kansas City @ Oakland

The Chiefs have finally lost. It's an inevitability for (almost) every NFL team throughout history, so it's not shocking. The real question now is how they respond to their first defeat. And I'm guessing it will be a complete and utter existential meltdown. At the first sign of trouble in this game Alex Smith will throw up his hands and sit cross-legged in the middle of the field, refusing to move, even when Kansas City goes on defense. The Chiefs will have no choice but to only send out only 10 other men, really hampering the game plan. That is, until Smith springs up at an opportune moment and picks off a pass. It will be an amazing play, but Smith will be so unfamiliar as to what to do with the ball that he'll then attempt to throw a pass back down-field. The whole thing will be such a mess that the refs won't even know what to rule on it, and eventually they'll just cancel the game. Whichever team is in the lead at that point will be declared the winner. Believe it or not this sort of thing isn't as rare as you might think, in fact, at least 3 games in each of the past 12 years have been canceled mid game due to overwhelming hijinks. 

Chiefs 23-16

NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Chicago @ Baltimore

Baltimore has feasted on young or subpar quarterbacks this season. Already having defeated Deshone Kizer and EJ Manuel, they'll now go up against Mitchell Trubisky in his second start. The Ravens are like sadistic kids pouring salt on slugs. And you might say, "Hey, they don't make the schedule, they just play the games." Well guess what, I have it on good authority that the Baltimore Ravens did create their own schedule. In fact, I have photographic evidence of Joe Flacco and Jim Harbaugh greedily rubbing their hands together with a rough draft of their schedule on a giant blackboard in the background. That version was 16 home games against the Browns, so obviously the league put the kibosh on that. A lesser journalist would post that picture, but being the highly esteemed writer that I am I will hold on to it for blackmailing purposes. 

Ravens 24-10

Cleveland @ Houston 

The Browns are making a change at quarterback! Full disclosure, I copy-and-pasted that sentence from one of the ten past posts that I've started with the same headline. Would it have been easier for me to have just typed it out rather than fish through the archives to find it? Sure. But don't you also think that at this point the Browns would have been able to at least stumble into a decent starting QB? The point is, sometimes we make things harder on ourselves than we have to ... I think. Look, I'll admit, that seems like a stretch, but so does Kevin Hogan as a starting quarterback in the NFL, yet here we are. The good news for the Browns is that they don't have to face JJ Watt this week whose season has once again been cut short by an injury. The bad news? They are, in fact, the Cleveland Browns. As a result they will lose.

Texans 34-17

Green Bay @ Minnesota 

Two weeks ago I made a joke that Sam Bradford's knees had passed away. It was hilarious and we all had a good laugh, but now it appears to be accurate as it was clear to anyone who watched the Vikings' Monday night win in Chicago that Bradford was walking around on a pair of ghosts; and we're still too far from Halloween for that to be cute or funny. Actually now that I think about it Bradford playing the rest of the season with sentient, wise-cracking ghost knees would be pretty entertaining. Like maybe they have a mind of their own and make him kneel during the anthem even though he doesn't want to? Or they won't let him take a knee to run out the clock at the end of the game eventually leading to a loss? This thing is writing itself. Unfortunately the Vikings seem to think they need knees that need no kneading, so they're starting Case Keenum this Sunday. Keenum vs. Rodgers, need I say more?

Packers 23-16

Detroit @ New Orleans 

This game seems like a tough one to predict, but guess what guys, I killed Pickler. That's right, I outsmarted him in some fashion or another and now he's dead. That is what happened. In a completely unrelated bit of advice, do not listen to any rhyming, goblin-like creatures who you may run into that tell you they know me and that they unleashed a swarm of hornets through the vent above my stove causing me to instantly burst into hysterical tears and attempt to run so quickly that my feet comically spun out of control resulting in me falling flat on my back and incurring an astounding amount of facial hornet stings ... because he's a liar. He also thought the Lions were going to win, but like I said, he's a liar. 

Saints 31-24

Miami @ Atlanta

Alright, just what the hell is going on with the Dolphins? Last week Jay Cutler threw for 92 yards on 26 throws, for a putrid 3.5 yards per attempt, and yet somehow they won to improve their record to 2-2. They have scored 41 points on the season, a total that has been topped by at least one team each week so far. But again, they're 2-2. I don't know how. I suppose the best way to decipher this 53-man Rubik's Cube would be to watch one of their games. That doesn't seem advisable or logical, so I'm just going to speculate that they've been lucky with their schedule. And like an inattentive rabbit's foot harvester, their luck is about to run out. 

Falcons 38-10

New England @ New York Jets

The winner of this game will be in first place in the AFC East. One of these teams is the New York Jets. I'm not sure how this is possible either. But hey, nobody told them they weren't supposed to win any games! Except for their owner and GM probably, men who seemingly designed the team to compete for the #1 pick in the 2018 draft. If that was the original goal the front office will be thrilled to see the Patriots coming to town. And while New England hasn't been their regular, dominant selves yet this season they should have enough to beat New York. That is, unless these Jets are even spunkier than I'm giving them credit for. Maybe they have so much spunk inside them that they're just waiting to unload on the Pats. Oh god what have I done? I'd delete this whole post if it wasn't against my own no deleting anything policy.

Patriots 31-20

San Francisco @ Washington 

The 49ers continued their season-long pattern of agonizing defeats, losing in overtime (again) to the Colts last week. As soul-crushing as it may seem, they should attempt to keep the trend going this week because of whom they're playing. San Francisco has long been a rumored landing spot for Kirk Cousins once his franchise-tag saga is complete in Washington. If the Niners want to convince Cousins that he'd be the missing piece that would make them into a winner what better way than to stay close in this one and have Brian Hoyer do something stupid to blow it in the end? Now you might be wondering, "If it means eventually losing his job why would Brian Hoyer purposefully do something stupid and lose the game?" But don't you see my dear boy? He's Brian Hoyer, he doesn't have to try to lose the game, he'll just do it regardless. 

Redskins 24-19

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ Arizona

The Buccaneers' kicking woes continued last week when Nick Folk missed three field goals in a 5 point loss to New England. But is Folk really to blame? Let's a take a closer look. First of all, one of those misses was a 56-yard attempt, outdoors, on grass, which is certainly not automatic no matter who you are. So we can wipe that one out. Alright, now he only has two misses. Folk's second attempt was a 49-yarder, which is also no chip shot whatsoever. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that in that situation any given professional kicker would be about a 50/50 bet to make it. So let's cut Folk some more slack and erase that miss from his record too. As for the last one, well it was a 31-yarder, which is a must make for any and every kicker in the league. However, as he was lining up for the kick Folk could see his wife being held hostage in the stands to the left of the upright so he rocketed that ball right into her captor's head knocking him unconscious. Nick Folk saved his wife from a life or death situation and you want to give him shit?!? Of course Tampa, being the heartless bastards that they are, cut him this week and ... well they'll probably win this game on a last-second field goal. Let's face it, Nick Folk was pretty lousy.

Buccaneers 28-27

Los Angeles Rams @ Jacksonville 

After the Jaguars intercepted him 5 times in their win over the Steelers, Ben Roethlisberger wondered aloud to reporters whether or not he still has it in him to be a successful quarterback in the NFL. That's the weight that a loss to Jacksonville carries, it can make a hall of fame quarterback reconsider whether or not he wants to play football again. But Roethlisberger can take solace in the fact that these Jags are 3-2 now and might actually be good ... No! I'm not doing it, I'm not going to start believing in the Jags. I can't go back down that road. And if I end up being wrong, well then maybe I don't have it in me to keep doing this. It'll leave me with some more free time, maybe I'll hit up the bars with a newly retired Ben Roethlisberger. On second thought, that's probably not a good idea.

Jaguars 24-20

Pittsburgh @ Kansas City

It's a playoff rematch and the Chiefs have GOT to have revenge on their minds. Indeed, revenge is a dish best served cold, but Kansas City is all kinds of hot right now and ready to burn through the Steelers. Still it's also been said that living well is the best revenge, and in 2017 no one in the NFL is living as well as the Chiefs. However, Confucius himself once said, "Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves." Well, two won't be enough for the Steelers, they have way more players than that, so maybe this one doesn't work as well. Unless one of the graves they dig is right behind Ben Roethlisberger, then they cover it with some turf to disguise it so that when Ben drops back right he steps right on top of it and falls in. There it is! That's what Confucius must have been talking about. 

Chiefs 29-13

Los Angeles Chargers @ Oakland 

This is a game being played between one team who just moved to a city that doesn't want them, and one team about to leave a city that desperately wishes they would stay. As for Mother Nature, apparently she doesn't want either of these teams playing in the scheduled location this Sunday. Fires in the nearby wine country have resulted in possibly dangerous levels of smoke in Oakland's air. The NFL is hopeful they will be able to safely play the game on, but are exploring their options just in case. Could one of those options be playing the game in Carson? That gasp of horror you just heard was from the Chargers players who are dreading the possibility of having to play an extra "home" date. Also, if you did indeed hear a gasp of horror that means that a Los Angeles Charger is apparently in the room with you, reading this over your shoulder; respond accordingly. And by that I mean hug them and tell them it's not their fault. 

Raiders 25-17

Sunday Night 

New York Giants @ Denver

On paper this looks like a lopsided game for the home team, but let's check in with SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth and find out what he thinks:

Yikes, that's heat. But I'll agree with CriColl.

Broncos 27-6

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ Tennessee 

Did you realize that the Colts are five games into the season but have already played all four NFC West teams? They now return to their home (the AFC South) with tales from the wilderness. Ripping yarns about frontiersmen, great birds of prey, and vicious, horned beasts who play in a cavernous, half-empty colosseum. I'll bet the folks back home won't even recognize this group when they return, especially since Andrew Luck looks a lot different now, and is a lot worse at football. They'll soon find out that that's actually Jacoby Brissett, and he's doing his best damn it! Speaking of backup quarterbacks, if the Titans have to go with Matt Cassell or Brandon Weeden on Monday ESPN should just air a couple World's Strongest Man episodes, preferably the Magnus ver Magnusson years.

Titans 17-16

NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

Philadelphia @ Carolina

Cam Newton frustrated a nation last week when he performed well after making sexist comments during the week. He would have fared better in the court of public opinion if he'd simply laid an egg. However, it seems that Cam Newton is so sexist that the idea of a man laying an egg was incomprehensible to him. And so now we find ourselves here, with a match-up of 4-1 teams jockeying for position atop the NFC. Of course, the chauvinist that he is I'm assuming Newton thinks he should always be on top. Unfortunately for equality advocates everywhere I'm afraid that the home team may have the slight edge here. However, the Eagles will have a good shot if their pass rush can apply pressure, because whether or not Newton can stand the heat he most likely wants no part of a kitchen.

Panthers 23-17

NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

New York Jets @ Cleveland

Oh yuck, we're starting the day off with a match-up of winless teams. Wait a minute, what? The Jets are 2-2?!? How did this happen? This feels like when you hear a statistical theorist say that in 1000 simulations of the 2017 NFL season the Jets managed to go .500 once. I think we're living in that outlying simulation. It all makes so much sense now, that's why I've been so mediocre at picking games this season, we're in an outlier. That also explains why I've been wetting the bed so much. I figured it was the night terrors involving the bird-headed man, but nope ... outlier! Even within this anomaly can New York achieve a winning record? Well look who they're playing. It's possible ... but I doubt it.

Browns 20-17

Carolina @ Detroit

There has been great uproar, deservedly so, after Cam Newton's ignorant comments regarding a question from a "female" on Wednesday. Personally, however, I was more offended by his post-game press conference after the Panthers defeated the Patriots last Sunday. Not because of anything he said, but because he was dressed like the inventor of a failed 19th century aircraft prototype. Will Newton and the Carolina offense take flight this Sunday in Detroit? For his sake I hope so, because otherwise he'll most likely sulk and pout as per usual, which are funny actions coming from a grown man. 

Lions 24-20

San Francisco @ Indianapolis

The 49ers are 0-4 on the season, but have lost their last three by a scant total of 8 points. Clearly this is a young team that's in the process of figuring out how win games in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. But will this squad be encouraged or discouraged by repeated close losses? Ah tis akin to the age-old question: is it better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all? Except in this case "loving" is winning a football game, er, wait ... you know what guys? I'm not so sure that twas akin to the aforementioned age-old saying. I believe what I was getting at is that San Fran has been sniffing around a win, and luckily you can teach a young dog new tricks. And, of course the "young dog" in question here is the 49ers and the "new trick" is winning a football game. But is it better to have learned a new trick and forgotten it or never to have learned the trick at all? I've been sniffing glue.

Colts 27-22

Tennessee @ Miami

In their last two games the Dolphins have scored 6 points against the Jets (on a meaningless TD at the gun) and 0 points against the Saints. Their offense has been as inert as Jay Cutler in a wildcat formation. On that one play Cutler defined the term "couldn't care less." And from what I can tell he's inspired the whole offense to reach the same level of apathy. However, this week will be a stiff test for Miami's ineptitude as they will be facing a Titans team that surrendered 57 points last Sunday. What happens when an immovable object runs up against a non-resistant force? Can Cutler lead the Dolphins to another shutout under these harsh circumstances? Of course! This is Jay Cutler we're taking about here, he can do anything, as long as that means doing nothing.

Titans 30-0

Buffalo @ Cincinnati

This is a tricky game to predict since I'm not sure the Bills are for real, and the Bengals offense seems like it may have been resurrected by their coordinator change. Normally in this scenario I'd employ the help of Pickler, the score-picking goblin, but he's done nothing but harass me all season, plus he hasn't chosen one game correctly yet. As a result I decided not to bother conjuring him this week and instead settled in for a peaceful night's sleep. Of course I awoke to discover that half my head had been shaved and the loose hair glued to my stomach to crudely spell out "Bils" which I can only assume was the result of Pickler telling me to pick Buffalo. Well screw you goblin! You're probably the worst guy I know. Tread lightly you little worm, because I will have my revenge if it's the last thing I do (though I'd like to wrap it up within the next couple weeks at the latest). 

Bengals 16-13

Los Angeles Chargers @ New York Giants

What a timeless backstory for this game. Two quarterbacks swapped for each other on their draft days and sent to opposite ends of the country. Both have been maddeningly inconsistent throughout their careers, both have repeatedly made ridiculous faces. Between them in their careers they've combined for 2 Super Bowl titles and 11 children. This season they've combined for 8 losses. Yes it's true, both teams enter this contest winless, and yes it's true that the Giants will most likely hear some boo birds from their fan base this Sunday, but as the Chargers would tell them, at least they have a fan base. So what happens when two teams that can't beat anybody play each other? The Chargers lose in heartbreaking fashion, of course. Again though, heartbreaking just for the players and staff, because they no longer have any fans.

Giants 30-28

Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh

Antonio Brown flipped out on the sidelines last week after Ben Roethlisberger didn't see him running free through the Ravens' secondary. But it turns out Brown's reaction had nothing to do with missing out on a potential touchdown. What really transpired was that while they were sitting on the bench Roethlisberger again brought up his argument that Tom Hanks' finest performance was in Apollo 13, whereas Brown was, is, and always will be a Big man. And while I agree with Antonio's opinion, the way he went about venting his frustration over the dispute is just unacceptable. Be that as it may, I believe that the Steelers' best performances are still ahead of them, and what with the unpredictable nature of Hollywood and his continued presence on the silver screen, perhaps the same could be said for Tom Hanks (probably not though, I mean how could you beat The 'Burbs?).

Steelers 31-17

Arizona @ Philadelphia

The Cardinals come into this game at 2-2 with both of their wins coming in overtime. Some readers might look at that and think, "These guys are clutch." Those wins came against the Colts and the 49ers. Some readers might look at that think, "These guys ain't so much." And still other readers might look at Ed O'Neill's IMDb page and think, "His finest film role was in Dutch." The thing is, all three opinions could be correct, and I'd be very interested to hear what Antonio Brown has to say on that last topic. This week Arizona faces a quality opponent in the Philadelphia Eagles. Will the Cardinals be up to the task? I wouldn't expect much.

Eagles 27-19

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Los Angeles Rams

Look out folks, the Los Angeles Rams are 3-1! This is their hottest start since ... last season. Yes, believe it or not the 2016 Rams started 3-1 before finishing the season with a record of 4-12. Of course, that was when they had Jeff Fisher as their head coach, who was known to be less inspiring than Dermot Mulroney in Angels in the Outfield. Things are different this season, and it's obvious simply by looking at the point totals (which is a good thing, because that's usually the extent of my research). Through their first four in 2016 the Rams had put up 63, while this season they've scored 142. That's an astounding improvement, however, LA has also surrendered over 26 per game so far and they now have to deal with perhaps the most potent weapon in the NFL in JD McKissic. Laugh all you want, but the guy has touched the ball on offense 5 times and scored 2 TDs, you find me someone with a better ratio! Please don't actually check, I didn't look into it and there may very well be someone else with a better ratio. So who wins this pivotal NFC West clash? If you ask me, it's the fans ... and the Seahawks.

Seahawks 31-20

Baltimore @ Oakland

After an injury to their starting QB last Sunday the Raiders now have something in common with disgruntled teens everywhere: they don't have a Car(r). Yes, Derek will be parked on the bench which means it's up to EJ Manuel to drive Oakland down the field. Will the Raiders' offense stall as a result, or will they run over the Ravens? And if so, how many of the players will be charged for vehicular manslaughter? Depending on the final arrest total this game could really derail Oakland's season. Wait, that was a railroad one. Shit!

Ravens 13-10

Green Bay @ Dallas

Whoa mama! Packers vs. Cowboys! Is this the first page of a Braille calendar? Because it feels like January! Relax though, you haven't time-traveled, it's still October. Oh, unless you just awoke from a three month coma, in which case it is January. Also, you look rested. I'm loving the new 'do! Your breath is stank though, you should get your hands on a toothbrush ASAP. Speaking of cleansing, Dallas would like to wash away the pain of last season's playoff loss to Green Bay with a victory here. But as any coma patient will tell you, temporary solutions to lingering problems can only go so far; sooner or later you're going to have to wake up and deal with your issues (Just to be clear, as I understand it most comas are self-induced as a method of shirking one's responsibilities. That's correct, right?).

Packers 31-24 

Sunday Night

Kansas City @ Houston

The last remaining undefeated team visits an improving Texans squad that may have what it takes to be the first blemish on Kansas City's record. Let's kick it over to Cris Collinsworth to get his two cents on this intriguing match-up:

Weird, it seems like I would have seen that punt on a blooper reel at some point, but I'll take your word for it CriColl. And I'll roll with you on the prediction as well.

Texans 26-23

Monday Night

Minnesota @ Chicago

The Vikings suffered yet another devastating injury when their rookie running back phenom Dalvin Cook went down with a torn ACL. After so many maladies over the past two seasons it's become clear what's really happening in Minnesota. Say it with me folks ... Coach Mike Zimmer ran afoul of a gypsy priestess who cursed him and his football team. How else would you explain the Bears benching Mike Glennon right before this game? Pernicious forces are at work here. Now, if Glennon somehow puts on the wrong uniform and is allowed to play for the Vikings, well then there will be no denying it.

Bears 17-15

NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

New England @ Tampa Bay

After falling to 2-2 (and nearly 1-3) this is normally when we'd be seeing a spate of "What's Wrong with the Patriots?" articles. Except in this case everybody knows it's their defense. In New England's four games they've surrendered 42, 20, 33, and 33. Wait a minute are those point totals or my high school locker combination?!? Merely kidding gang. I mean first of all, most lock combos are three numbers not four. Also, I'm pretty sure you couldn't have the same number twice in a row, and if you'll direct your attention back to the set of numbers in question, that's exactly what we're dealing with at the end there. And finally, what would the size of the numbers have to do with their correlation to a lock combination? Numbers below 20 would be just as likely to pop up. So to sum things up, that was a stupid question. Just as stupid as asking what's wrong with the Patriots? (Brought it back around baby! And you thought I was some sort of idiot; heh, sucker)

Patriots 38-31