NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo

Tampa and Buffalo. Hey is this a Week 7 match-up or the top of my travel bucket list? Checking the Week 7 schedule ... Checking my travel bucket list ... Whoa, it's both! Maybe I should have gone to this game. Then again perhaps some things are better left as dreams, unattainable Xanadus that could only be tainted by my physical presence. For me that's Tampa, Florida and Buffalo, New York. Speaking of tainting something with your physical presence, Jameis Winston left last week's game against the Cardinals trailing 21-0 in the 2nd quarter. Back-up Ryan Fitzpatrick entered the game and nearly brought the Bucs all the way back from what would become a 31 point deficit, eventually losing by a final of 38-33. This begs the question, does Ryan Fitzpatrick give Tampa their best chance to win? The answer is no. There are probably about 20-25 QBs in the NFL that would give the Bucs a better chance at winning. As for players actually on the Bucs' roster, which I suppose is more to the point, I'd still say probably no. Though, whichever one starts this week I still like the Bills at home. 

Bills 23-17

Baltimore @ Minnesota

The last time these teams met, in 2013, it resulted in one of the wildest finishes in recent memory, with a combined 36 points scored in the game's final 2:05. Within that time the score leapt from 12-7 Vikings to 29-26 Ravens. Also, I'm pretty sure it was snowing. Yeah actually it was definitely snowing, there was at least 15 inches on the field. In fact, the conditions were so harsh that at one point a yeti ran onto the field and devoured a Vikings linebacker, similar to the old computer game Ski Free. Don't believe me? Have you ever heard from Larry Dean since? Didn't think so. Anyway, can we expect an equal amount of zaniness this Sunday? I'd say no, but if some sort of mythical beast ends up eating C.J. Mosley don't say I didn't warn you.

Vikings 24-13

New York Jets @ Miami

Alright, I get it now Dolphins, you're just trolling us all. For long stretches you've looked like the worst team in the league and yet here you are at 3-2. It's possible that I've just been ignoring the fact that your defense is solid. But can you blame me? Your quarterback is Jay Cutler. He's an attention vacuum with that personality, and he's been sucking me right in. But enough is enough, I'm unplugging the vacuum and retracting the cord, because that's the best part of vacuum experience anyway. Also because if I left Cutler's cord dragging around behind him he'd probably trip up a number of his teammates, which is an added obstacle that the Miami offense just doesn't need right now. I'll pick the Jets just because the Dolphins can't get to 4-2 can they? That's impossible ... right? 

Jets 20-17

Arizona @ Los Angeles Rams

This week someone asked me if Adrian Peterson is back. I replied that I don't see color when I look at people, so I wouldn't really know, and frankly I resented the question. But, I've heard from others that yes, he is. I then realized that the person had said "back." I felt like an idiot it for about a minute, but quickly shrugged it off by reminding myself that I've read multiple books. The Cardinals have had some trouble this season and last winning games east of the Mississippi, and well, this game is being played in London, which is as far east of the Mississippi as you can get. Not geographically, I know, that's Bangladesh of course. But in terms of where a team might plan an NFL game, it don't get no easter than this. With that in mind I'll take Los Angeles, the home team.

Rams 30-24

Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

At this point if you told me Andrew Luck was never going to play football again I wouldn't be shocked. Then again, I'm one of those assholes that tries to never act shocked so that I can make the other person seem less consequential. Luck has apparently suffered a setback in his rehab and has been shut down from throwing for the time being. This is a pivotal development, because being able to throw the ball is usually integral to playing quarterback. While Jacoby Brissett has not been the worst replacement quarterback we've seen this season, and possibly not the worst QB starting in this game, he doesn't inspire a ton of confidence; especially against a solid Jags defense. I'll pick Jacksonville to win, which of course means they'll lose because they live to make me look like an ass. Joke's on them though, because I'm doing just fine with that on my own!

Jaguars 29-19

New Orleans @ Green Bay

Aaron Rodgers' collar bone has broken, and with it so too may have the Packers' spirits. But hey, chin up Green Bay, not all is lost, at least you've got your health. Well no, I suppose you don't ... that's the whole problem. You know what you do have though? A boat! Yeah, that kick ass new boat that you just bought even though your wife, friends, and children told you it would be a bad idea. Screw them; they were way off, and now they don't get to come on the boat no matter what! We'll see how bad of an idea it is when you throw that baby into auto-pilot (or auto-captain) and water ski behind it. Yeah, that'll show them. However, when you wreck it and break your collar bone you'll have to admit that it's pretty ironic. This has all the makings of a classic Saints stinker, even with Brett Hundley at QB for Green Bay.

Packers 17-16

Carolina @ Chicago

This could be a tricky game to pick since the Bears have been surprisingly feisty in most of their games this season and the Panthers are a different team without Luke Kuechly. Yes, a difficult pick indeed ... Too bad Pickler's dead. Just kidding, it's not too bad, that guy sucked. Sure his rhymes were cute or whatever, but he was a real nuisance. Besides I can make my own rhymes. How about this: Eenie meenie miney mo, I think I'll pick Chi-ca-go! Yeah, there we go. Hmm, is that even who I want to pick though or am I just doing it for the rhyme? How did I make this even harder? Ugh, I need someone to help me with this ... No! No I don't. I'll do this on my own. Carolina wins a close one,

Panthers 23-20

Tennessee @ Cleveland

The Browns have announced that DeShone Kizer will return to his role as the starting quarterback, meaning the Kevin Hogan experiment only lasted one week. I'd say that that's unfair except the truly unfair thing was probably subjecting Kevin Hogan to starting for the Browns in the first place. So for now it's back to Kizer, he of the 3 touchdowns and 9 interceptions. This is sort of like a feral child that's been taken in but still decides to sleep outside because it's the only way they know how anymore. Look I'm not saying that Kevin Hogan is a comfortable, human bed, but Kizer is a return to reckless and uncivilized behavior that will continue to be a hallmark of the Browns organization until they re-learn that they are, indeed humans, and should live inside with their family. 

Titans 31-17

Sunday Afternoon

Dallas @ San Francisco

News broke early this week that Ezekiel Elliott's 6 game suspension had been reinstated and that he'd start serving it immediately. Then on Wednesday Elliott was granted a temporary restraining order that somehow delayed the suspension yet again. It seems like the only thing that's being suspended here is the suspension itself, am I right? At this point, if I were Elliott, I'd really start to flaunt how effectively my legal team is manipulating the system by wearing suspenders to the game; then going bungee jumping on my day off; and finally, the coup de grace, I'd be wheeled into my Wednesday press conference submerged in a tank of semi-gelatinous goo in a state of suspended animation. On second thought though, the powers that be might not respond well to such elaborate provocation. Expect this to be a close one, because that's what we should always expect from the 49ers at this point. 

Cowboys 27-23

Denver @ Los Angeles Chargers

The Broncos suffered a shocking loss to an injury-depleted, winless Giants team last Sunday night. Luckily for Denver they now travel to LA for a home game. There they'll face the Chargers who have shockingly won consecutive close games. Is this a sign that they've turned a corner and put their history of heartbreaking losses behind them? Doubtful. This is like when your puppy happens to poop outside a couple times; just because the circumstances broke correctly doesn't mean he's potty-trained.

Broncos 23-20 

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Something entertaining always happens when these divisional rivals clash. Then again, this season the Steelers' offense has been underachieving while the Bengals' D has been surprisingly stout. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Pittsburgh's defense has been solid and the Cincy offense has only somewhat recovered from a putrid beginning to the season. Sooo I guess when I promised entertainment I assumed you were a big fan of ugly, low-scoring games. And if that's true, well you are one sick, sadistic son of a bitch ... and I dig it. Feel free to get weird with this one ya freak. 

Steelers 16-9

Seattle @ New York Giants

The nation is still reeling from the Giants' stunning upset of the Broncos last Sunday. It wasn't just that New York came into the game winless, but they were basically without a receiving corps. However, that ragtag crew of wide receivers shattered expectations by combining for 22 yards on 2 catches. Uhh, never mind, that's almost exactly what everybody expected. The real key was that the Giants' defense played the type of game that dummies who picked them to go far in the playoffs were expecting from them at the beginning of the season. If they play close to that level we should see a low-scoring game that will make for an enticing Afternoon for that sicko I was talking about in that last game.

Seahawks 17-10 

Sunday Night

Atlanta @ New England

It's the most anticipated rematch of the season, and the best color commentator in the biz will be in the booth to cover it. Let's turn it over to him now; whaddaya got CriColl?

Mr. Collinsworth's opinions on the MTV show "Wild N' Out" do not necessarily reflect those of Henry Cotto's Mustache. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't make a pick Cris. I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own; give me Atlanta because ... revenge.

Falcons 38-34

Monday Night

Washington @ Philadelphia

It's a rematch from Week 1, a bygone age when none of us knew that the Eagles would become the best team in the NFL. That is, if you trust their record, and I for one do; records never lie. With the exception of most of the statistical records in baseball, Kim Jong Il's various sporting achievements, and "Girl You Know It's True" by Milli Vanilli. Ok maybe records do lie sometimes. And maybe it crushes little kids who believed that two braided, Europrean men could make beautiful music. And maybe other kids made fun of one of their classmates for crying when the band was exposed as frauds; but he wasn't crying, it was raining outside. It was the rain! The rain! I'll take Philly.

Eagles 27-20