Occasionally in an attempt to better understand these match-ups I like to take a look at statistics. It’s this kind of new age analytics that keeps me on the cutting edge of the industry. So let’s turn to some numbers now. The Cardinals are 4-4. Their four wins (two of which were in overtime) have come against teams with a combined record of 5-20 (in games not against Arizona), with an average margin of victory of 5 points. Their four losses have come against teams with a combined record of 19-10 by an average margin of almost 21 points. Now comes the tricky part of this whole statistics movement, trying to decipher these complicated figures. I’m going to take a stab at it though and conclude that the Cardinals are good enough to beat sub-par competition, but struggle mightily when they play quality opponents. I know, I know, I'm dangling way out there on that limb. You’re probably thinking to yourself, he’s reckless, he’s brazen, he’s extremely charismatic and probably in great shape physically. Think what you must, but these numbers don’t lie ... I think. Again, I’m still getting used to this.
Houston suffered a devastating blow on Thursday when rookie quarterback phenom Deshaun Watson tore his ACL in practice. This will almost assuredly derail the Texans' offense with Tom Savage returning to steer the ship. When reached for comment DeAndre Hopkins had this to say. Meanwhile the Colts have officially ruled Andrew Luck out for the season. As a result this game has been canceled so that the teams can just meet on the field and hug for three hours. There are no winners here, thus there will be no winners here.
Tie 16-16
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
With the aforementioned injury to Deshaun Watson, the AFC South has now become a two-horse race, and one of those horses is the Jacksonville Jaguars. This is the first time the Jags have been in a race in November since that Thanksgiving weekend in '09 when some hot rods from the next town over boasted about having a faster car. The ensuing drag race resulted in the death of 6 Neptune Beach teens. Look, it was reckless to have that many people in one car, and they shouldn't have held the race so close to Deceased Man's Cliff, but the real lesson to be learned here is that that's what you get when you mess with he Jags this late in the season (most every season notwithstanding).
Jaguars 20-13
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
The Bucs ... suck! And I'm not just saying that because it's a very clever and catchy slogan. Look at any number you want folks. Or just do what I did, which is look at their record, grimace, then say, "2-5? Yuck, the Bucs suck! Oh man, that's good I should write that in the picks this week." Shit! I forgot the yuck part. That's what sold the whole thing! Everybody knows three rhymes is better than two. In much the same way, three wins are better than two, and once Tampa figures that out they just might be able to turn their season around. If it doesn't happen this week though they're most likely doomed. Not surprisingly, I don't think they'll get the win, because yuck, these Bucs (every reader shouting at the same time I assume) suck! Now you're starting to get it!
Saints 27-14
Los Angeles Rams @ New York Giants
New York starting cornerback Janoris Jenkins has been suspended indefinitely by the team. It's the second time in three weeks that the Giants have made such a move. Ben McAdoo is suspending people like he's the ornery police captain in an action movie. I wouldn't be surprised if he handed down the discipline by demanding the player's "playbook and helmet on my desk by the end of the day!" We should've seen this coming when he started slicking back his hair, I mean he's basically made himself into a lame William Forsythe. Of course, if this were a cop movie Jenkins would keep working the case on his own then show up to MetLife stadium on Sunday and take matters into his own hands. He'll run onto the field in the 4th quarter, pick off a Jared Goff pass, and take it to the house. Of course it won't count because he won't even be in a uniform or on the active roster; plus the Giants will be down by 20 anyway. When he gets back to the sideline McAdoo will kick him off the team for good for being a dangerous loose cannon whose got more guts than brains.
Rams 28-18
Atlanta @ Carolina
After scratching and clawing their way to a 4-3 record so far, one thing is clear, these are not the same Falcons that went to Super Bowl LI. But of course they're not, that would require some sort of alternate plane in which time does not move forward, or the NFL has no salary cap. What's more though is that this year's Falcons barely resemble last season's. So what's the problem? A lot of people would point to the obvious: the change at offensive coordinator from Kyle Shanahan to Steve Sarkisian. But me? I'd say it's the change at offensive coordinator from Kyle Shanahan to Steve Sarkisian. So in other words, I agree with everybody else. This Sunday Atlanta will face the Panthers, whose season has been so up and down it's as if they've been riding on some sort of roller coaster! No, really! One thing I do know is that their defense has only given up 3 points in consecutive games (Chicago scored 17 total points on them in Week 7, but 14 came from defensive TDs). And with a sputtering Steve Sarkisian offense coming to town you have to like their chances.
Panthers 20-17
Denver @ Philadelphia
The Eagles are 7-1, good enough for the best record in the NFL. However, they no longer have their all-pro left tackle Jason Peters. Philly managed to get by San Francisco last week with little drama, but now they face the Denver Broncos and, most notably, Von Miller. Going up against Von Miller with a backup left tackle is like trying to defend yourself from a bull with only a cape. Oh, I guess that's what bull fighters do all the time, and they're usually successful. I'm not sure if I should rethink my analysis or my analogy. Probably both actually. I guess my point was that even though the Broncos have looked terrible lately they just might ... What's that? Denver is starting Brock Osweiler? At quarterback? Very well. They'll definitely lose now. I mean they probably would've anyway, so why not have a little fun, right? (I expect Vance Joseph to say that at the postgame press conference).
Eagles 20-16
Baltimore @ Tennessee
We nearly witnessed Joe Flacco die on the field last Thursday when he was obliterated on a diving hit from Kiko Alonso. Of course, Ravens fans would tell you that they've been watching the slow, on-field death of Flacco for years now, so the only shocking part would have been the suddenness. The FlacMan is still very much alive though, and he's ready to take the field this Sunday for a clash in Nashville. A clash in Nashville? Are we talking about this game or Billy Ray Cyrus's wardrobe? No, I'm not proud of it. Why did I leave it in then? Because I never delete anything! That's my policy baby. Just like it's Joe Flacco's policy to go out there and occasionally look decent. Unfortunately I'm not sure this Sunday will be one of those occasions.
Titans 27-17
Sunday Afternoon
Arizona @ San Francisco
Big news in The Bay Area this week, as it was announced that the 49ers acquired Jimmy Garoppolo in a trade with New England. I think at this point it's fair for C.J. Beathard to seriously question whether or not he's the quarterback of the future in San Francisco. Sure he was a big-time draft pick, but things move fast in this league and if you don't produce results teams will move on. That being said, if Ceej can go out there and get the win this week against the Cardinals, then maybe just maybe he can keep his job ... for another week while Garoppolo learns the offense. After that though the Niners have a bye week, so there's no way Beathard makes more than two more starts, possibly in his entire career. So enjoy him while you can opposing teams, because in a few weeks you won't have Beathard to beat hard anymore.
Cardinals 16-13
Washington @ Seattle
Earlier this week Pete Carroll told the media that we should expect to see a lot of Eddie Lacy on Sunday. I only read this in print, so without actually seeing him say it on video it's still unclear to me whether or not he was joking. Look, I hope it will work out, but right now promoting Lacy to feature back makes about as much sense as promoting him to head of stadium security. I mean sure maybe given the opportunity and time in the position he can flourish, but I'm just not sure I see the logic. Also, would that even count as a promotion? Don't get me wrong, head of stadium security is an esteemed position, but starting running back for the actual team probably carries more clout; not to mention that I have to believe there's a disparate amount of pay there in favor of the NFL player. Washington has given up just about 28 points per game on the road this season, while Seattle has put up 33 per game at home. Good enough for me.
Seahawks 30-17
Kansas City @ Dallas
Apparently Ezekiel Elliott's suspension has been delayed for yet another week. At this point it's nothing more than myth to me, like a free tootsie roll pop resulting from a shooting star wrapper mail-in. Sure, I've heard all about it, but until I actually see it happen with my own eyes I just ain't buying it. Wait a minute, chiefs ... stars ... is it possible this game is taking place inside the mind of a young boy looking at a tootsie roll pop wrapper? No, that's stupid, right? That being said, if the Cowboys cheerleaders show up topless on the sidelines I think we'll at least have to reconsider the possibility. And if the game just switches to Minecraft in the second quarter we'll have our answer.
Chiefs 28-27
Sunday Night
Oakland @ Miami
Yikes, this does not look like the marquee match-up you might expect from a Sunday night game. But I'm sure that SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth can provide us with an interesting take that will gin up our interest in this contest:
Thanks for the help CriColl. I have no idea what will happen in this game, which puts it in the same category as most others.
Raiders 23-17
Monday Night
Detroit @ Green Bay
Matt Prater provided all 15 of the Lions' points in Week 8's loss to the Steelers. But Prater didn't let the L get him down; rumor has it he capitalized on his Sunday night heroics by hitting the town and using the pick-up line, "I've been scoring all night, so why stop now?" And ya know what? It worked! He totally got laid! It should be mentioned that the woman in question was his wife, so it's really not that outrageous. Also, it's kind of weird that he used a pick-up line on his wife, but I guess when you have material that's that solid you almost don't have a choice. Though it seems like she didn't totally fall for it, because unfortunately for Mr. Prater, the Lions weren't the only ones who couldn't put it in the end zone that night. If the Lions can score a touchdown (or possibly even two!) this week they should be able to get the win.
If you would have looked at this game on the schedule before the season you would have said, "Barf, barf, barf!" It's unclear whether you would have actually vomited three times or just said the word "barf" but that's not totally my point. What I'm getting at is that this did not seem like an appealing matchup two months ago. Now, however, there's a bit of intrigue. The Bills have jumped out to a surprising 5-2 record while the Jets sitting at 3-5 may be even more unexpected. If you look at this game today you might give it an appreciative, "Shit ..." Again, it's unclear if in that moment you just said "shit" or actually defecated, but if it was the latter I hope for your sake that you were on a toilet or in a safe place. Speaking of that, the Jets have dropped three in a row, but have hung tough in each of them; can they make a splash on Thursday night? I say no, the Bills will flush their hopes and wipe away what's left.
Sadly for DeShone Kizer his return to the role of Browns starting quarterback lasted just over one half as he was benched early in the third quarter in favor of Cody Kessler during last Sunday's overtime loss. It would be natural to assume that this second benching of Kizer would stick for a while, but then again, nothing should be assumed when dealing with the Browns. And so it was that DeShone Kizer has once again been named the starter for Sunday. This is a quarterback carousel upon which every other animal is DeShone Kizer. It makes very little sense that Cleveland would keep going back to a guy who now has 3 TDs and 11 INTs on the season. Unless, of course, the Browns are trying to lose games ... Oh ok, now I get it. If it's losses Cleveland wants the Vikings will be happy to oblige.
Vikings 23-9
Atlanta @ New York Jets
The thick fog that wafted into Gillette stadium last Sunday night was the perfect manifestation of the haze that the Atlanta offense has become enveloped in o'er the course of their last three contests. In fact, one could argue that it was perhaps even too obvious a metaphor, the likes of which, if found in literature, would surely emanate from the pen of a lesser scribe. Whomever is currently authoring the tale entitled The 2017 Atlanta Falcons has many a critic in Georgia's capital city, as these latest chapters have been nothing short of maddening. Can the Falcons flip the script in the shadow of Gotham this upcoming Sunday? I dunno, probably. Jets are pretty lame.
Falcons 21-13
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
Cam Newton stormed out of his press conference on Wednesday due in large part to the fact that he is a petulant piece of shit. But enough about that, let's talk about the real juicy storyline heading into this game, which is the Panthers' signing of disgraced ex-Buccaneer kicker Roberto Aguayo. For now he's just on the practice squad, acting as insurance in case Carolina's regular starter Graham Gano can't go, but can you imagine if Aguayo does get the call on Sunday?!? And what if the game comes down to a long Carolina field goal attempt for the win? If I had to guess it would probably involve Aguayo stepping up for the kick, tripping over his own feet, falling face first toward the turf, and literally swallowing the ball whole. At that point the Tampa special teams will pick him up and carry him back into the end zone for a touchdown. Of course, the refs will have to review it to determine how to appropriately make a ruling on the play, but at that point it will be too late for the Panthers.
Buccaneers 26-24
San Francisco @ Philadelphia
Last week the 49ers' streak of losses by three points or less ended at 5 when the Cowboys blew them out 40-10. I'm of the belief that one of the main reasons for this discrepancy in margin is that San Francisco gave C.J. Beathard his first start over Brian Hoyer. The Niners' should know by now that Hoyer is the master of doing just enough to not get embarrassed. If the San Fran brass is reconsidering their QB1 this week I like to imagine that Hoyer will emerge from the corner of the office smoking a cigarette, and in a gruff timber say, "Ya wanna lose by 3, or 30?" Then flick his cigarette and walk out of the room. Later that day it will be announced that the 49ers will be starting C.J. Beathard in Philadelphia, because they want to see what they have in the younger option, and also because Kyle Shanahan didn't appreciate having to get one of the chairs in his office reupholstered.
Eagles 31-13
Chicago @ New Orleans
Let's take a look at Mitchell Trubisky's stats from the last two weeks:
8-16, 113yds, 1 TD
4-7, 107yds, 0 TD
His record in those games? 2-0! It seems impossible, but it's true. And again, those are actual stats from an NFL starting quarterback, not Navy's starting quarterback. But hey, it's somehow (again, I just don't get this) become a winning formula for Chicago. Can it continue to be so in the SuperDome this Sunday? My first thought would be no; as would my second. Third through ninth, also no. But then when I think about it for the tenth time, it's still a no. It takes me about twenty-four thoughts before I can envision Trubisky continuing this strange, mystical run. But hey, in the city of voodoo it's not impossible, in fact I'd give it about a 4.17% chance.
Saints 24-10
Los Angeles Chargers @ New England
Ok, now that the Chargers won a game in the most demoralizing environment in the NFL, their own home stadium, we have to start taking them seriously. After an 0-4 start they've won their last three to climb within a game of .500 and into the muddled middle of the AFC. 25 years ago the San Diego Chargers (yes, they once played there) started 0-4 before finishing 11-5 and winning the AFC West. Could the anniversary of that magical team inspire This year's squad to accomplish a similar feat? Probably not. Most of these guys weren't even alive in 1992, so what do they care? Also they can only afford one more loss in that scenario, and after this Sunday that number will probably be zero. The number of losses they can afford, that is. You got it, right? I wanted the sentence to be snappy and succinct, but clear at the same time. Hopefully I accomplished that. The succinctness I mean; that's the most important thing to me, to be succinct.
Patriots 27-24
Oakland @ Buffalo
If you haven't already done so it's time to take notice of Buffalo, because this team is the real deal. In other words, these Bills aren't counterfeit. And with that line the ceiling above your head should have opened up to reveal balloons, streamers, and a trumpeter playing a jaunty tune. At least that's what better have happened because I paid way too much money setting it up. Please contact me if it didn't, I'll have some calls to make. The Raiders snapped a four-game losing streak last Thursday with what may have been a season-saving win. But now that they've saved it, they have to keep it alive, it's right there in the hippocratic oath. But Buffalo is a tough place to play, especially for a team making a cross-country trip. As a result, Oakland may be back on life support after Sunday.
Bills 28-21
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Alright c'mon, what are you doing here? We can just skip this one, right? Cool. Moving on ... Seriously? You actually want me to write something about this game? It's pointless! Ugh; fine. Let's see, uhh ... Colts/Bengals, what is this a football game or a malt liquor commercial with a tiger in it? Yuck. Happy now? Told you we should have just skipped it.
Bengals 30-17
Sunday Afternoon
Houston @ Seattle
This is the first time the Texans have played in Seattle since 2005. That's twelve years ago to you and me. Back then Deshaun Watson was only 10 years old! And America was 229 years old! Of course now it's 241 years old, because as I said before, it's been twelve whole years. For a quick frame of reference, the last time the Texans played in Seattle the movie 12 Years a Slave was still eight years from being released. In case you forgot, 12 Years a Slave was released four years ago, in 2013. So if you simply add up the eight years and the four years before and since 12 Years a Slave was released you get 12 years since the Texans have played a game in Seattle. Hopefully that answers any questions you may have had regarding when these two teams last played each other in Seattle. I'll go with the Seahawks this week.
Seahawks 26-16
Dallas @ Washington
Folks, it's the game of the week! At least that's what you've been told relentlessly if you've seen any commercial break during the World Series. Look, I understand promoting your product, but if a match-up between two 3-3 teams is the "game of the week" then I'm a dictionary salesman. Although now that I scan through Sunday's slate again there aren't many marquee contests ... Hmm could it be true? Is this really the game of the week? What kind of world is this? What are we teaching our children?!? Well one of the teams playing in this game is called the Redskins, so I guess that question answers itself. I'm not totally sure what to make of this game, so I'll turn to my old friend ... the transitive property. These teams have two common opponents so far, the Rams and the Niners. Dallas is 1-1 with a +25 scoring differential against those two, while Washington is 2-0 but only has a +9 spread. I'm more confused now, thanks a lot TransProp. I guess I'll go with the points.
Cowboys 30-27
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Detroit
It's a Rustbelt rowdy-dow as the Steelers take on the Lions. Who will come out on top? Let's find out with some hard-hitting, topical analysis from the best in the biz Cris Collinsworth:
No can do CriColl. Sorry about that, but if it's any consolation I'll side with you on the pick.
Steelers 23-20
Monday Night
Denver @ Kansas City
Just two weeks ago the Broncos and Chiefs were 3-1 and 5-0, respectively. They were on top of the world, cruising down the streets in limos popping champagne with tuxedos on. And that's not a metaphor, each team actually did that. 106 men (no practice squadders allowed) dressed to the nines and a fleet of limos. It seemed exorbitant at the time, and has proven to be hubristic since, as each team has lost their last two. But while Kansas City has suffered hard fought losses to the Steelers and Raiders, Denver has fallen by double digits to the Giants (New York's only win of the season) and been shut out by the Chargers. Taking that into account I have to believe that only Kansas City will be left in their black tie wear when this one ends. Oh did I not mention that they're actually playing this game in the tuxedos? Because that's happening.
Look I'm not one who's prone to hyperbole, but this may be the most dismal game you'll ever see in your entire life. It will be played in an offensive vacuum from which no points can escape. Wait, what's that? Jay Cutler isn't playing?!? Well then never mind! This game just got interesting. Matt Moore probably should have been the Dolphins starter all along, just like Van Halen would have been better with Hagar from the get go. Maybe that was a bad example, but don't let that distract you from the truth that Matt Moore is not terrible, which is an upgrade from Cutler, who is not not terrible. And against a lousy, injured Ravens team not terrible should be enough to get Miami to 5-2; at which point the aforementioned vacuum will open up and suck us all back to our normal dimension where these Miami Dolphins aren't 5-2.
Tampa and Buffalo. Hey is this a Week 7 match-up or the top of my travel bucket list? Checking the Week 7 schedule ... Checking my travel bucket list ... Whoa, it's both! Maybe I should have gone to this game. Then again perhaps some things are better left as dreams, unattainable Xanadus that could only be tainted by my physical presence. For me that's Tampa, Florida and Buffalo, New York. Speaking of tainting something with your physical presence, Jameis Winston left last week's game against the Cardinals trailing 21-0 in the 2nd quarter. Back-up Ryan Fitzpatrick entered the game and nearly brought the Bucs all the way back from what would become a 31 point deficit, eventually losing by a final of 38-33. This begs the question, does Ryan Fitzpatrick give Tampa their best chance to win? The answer is no. There are probably about 20-25 QBs in the NFL that would give the Bucs a better chance at winning. As for players actually on the Bucs' roster, which I suppose is more to the point, I'd still say probably no. Though, whichever one starts this week I still like the Bills at home.
Bills 23-17
Baltimore @ Minnesota
The last time these teams met, in 2013, it resulted in one of the wildest finishes in recent memory, with a combined 36 points scored in the game's final 2:05. Within that time the score leapt from 12-7 Vikings to 29-26 Ravens. Also, I'm pretty sure it was snowing. Yeah actually it was definitely snowing, there was at least 15 inches on the field. In fact, the conditions were so harsh that at one point a yeti ran onto the field and devoured a Vikings linebacker, similar to the old computer game Ski Free. Don't believe me? Have you ever heard from Larry Dean since? Didn't think so. Anyway, can we expect an equal amount of zaniness this Sunday? I'd say no, but if some sort of mythical beast ends up eating C.J. Mosley don't say I didn't warn you.
Vikings 24-13
New York Jets @ Miami
Alright, I get it now Dolphins, you're just trolling us all. For long stretches you've looked like the worst team in the league and yet here you are at 3-2. It's possible that I've just been ignoring the fact that your defense is solid. But can you blame me? Your quarterback is Jay Cutler. He's an attention vacuum with that personality, and he's been sucking me right in. But enough is enough, I'm unplugging the vacuum and retracting the cord, because that's the best part of vacuum experience anyway. Also because if I left Cutler's cord dragging around behind him he'd probably trip up a number of his teammates, which is an added obstacle that the Miami offense just doesn't need right now. I'll pick the Jets just because the Dolphins can't get to 4-2 can they? That's impossible ... right?
Jets 20-17
Arizona @ Los Angeles Rams
This week someone asked me if Adrian Peterson is back. I replied that I don't see color when I look at people, so I wouldn't really know, and frankly I resented the question. But, I've heard from others that yes, he is. I then realized that the person had said "back." I felt like an idiot it for about a minute, but quickly shrugged it off by reminding myself that I've read multiple books. The Cardinals have had some trouble this season and last winning games east of the Mississippi, and well, this game is being played in London, which is as far east of the Mississippi as you can get. Not geographically, I know, that's Bangladesh of course. But in terms of where a team might plan an NFL game, it don't get no easter than this. With that in mind I'll take Los Angeles, the home team.
Rams 30-24
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
At this point if you told me Andrew Luck was never going to play football again I wouldn't be shocked. Then again, I'm one of those assholes that tries to never act shocked so that I can make the other person seem less consequential. Luck has apparently suffered a setback in his rehab and has been shut down from throwing for the time being. This is a pivotal development, because being able to throw the ball is usually integral to playing quarterback. While Jacoby Brissett has not been the worst replacement quarterback we've seen this season, and possibly not the worst QB starting in this game, he doesn't inspire a ton of confidence; especially against a solid Jags defense. I'll pick Jacksonville to win, which of course means they'll lose because they live to make me look like an ass. Joke's on them though, because I'm doing just fine with that on my own!
Jaguars 29-19
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Aaron Rodgers' collar bone has broken, and with it so too may have the Packers' spirits. But hey, chin up Green Bay, not all is lost, at least you've got your health. Well no, I suppose you don't ... that's the whole problem. You know what you do have though? A boat! Yeah, that kick ass new boat that you just bought even though your wife, friends, and children told you it would be a bad idea. Screw them; they were way off, and now they don't get to come on the boat no matter what! We'll see how bad of an idea it is when you throw that baby into auto-pilot (or auto-captain) and water ski behind it. Yeah, that'll show them. However, when you wreck it and break your collar bone you'll have to admit that it's pretty ironic. This has all the makings of a classic Saints stinker, even with Brett Hundley at QB for Green Bay.
Packers 17-16
Carolina @ Chicago
This could be a tricky game to pick since the Bears have been surprisingly feisty in most of their games this season and the Panthers are a different team without Luke Kuechly. Yes, a difficult pick indeed ... Too bad Pickler's dead. Just kidding, it's not too bad, that guy sucked. Sure his rhymes were cute or whatever, but he was a real nuisance. Besides I can make my own rhymes. How about this: Eenie meenie miney mo, I think I'll pick Chi-ca-go! Yeah, there we go. Hmm, is that even who I want to pick though or am I just doing it for the rhyme? How did I make this even harder? Ugh, I need someone to help me with this ... No! No I don't. I'll do this on my own. Carolina wins a close one,
Panthers 23-20
Tennessee @ Cleveland
The Browns have announced that DeShone Kizer will return to his role as the starting quarterback, meaning the Kevin Hogan experiment only lasted one week. I'd say that that's unfair except the truly unfair thing was probably subjecting Kevin Hogan to starting for the Browns in the first place. So for now it's back to Kizer, he of the 3 touchdowns and 9 interceptions. This is sort of like a feral child that's been taken in but still decides to sleep outside because it's the only way they know how anymore. Look I'm not saying that Kevin Hogan is a comfortable, human bed, but Kizer is a return to reckless and uncivilized behavior that will continue to be a hallmark of the Browns organization until they re-learn that they are, indeed humans, and should live inside with their family.
Titans 31-17
Sunday Afternoon
Dallas @ San Francisco
News broke early this week that Ezekiel Elliott's 6 game suspension had been reinstated and that he'd start serving it immediately. Then on Wednesday Elliott was granted a temporary restraining order that somehow delayed the suspension yet again. It seems like the only thing that's being suspended here is the suspension itself, am I right? At this point, if I were Elliott, I'd really start to flaunt how effectively my legal team is manipulating the system by wearing suspenders to the game; then going bungee jumping on my day off; and finally, the coup de grace, I'd be wheeled into my Wednesday press conference submerged in a tank of semi-gelatinous goo in a state of suspended animation. On second thought though, the powers that be might not respond well to such elaborate provocation. Expect this to be a close one, because that's what we should always expect from the 49ers at this point.
Cowboys 27-23
Denver @ Los Angeles Chargers
The Broncos suffered a shocking loss to an injury-depleted, winless Giants team last Sunday night. Luckily for Denver they now travel to LA for a home game. There they'll face the Chargers who have shockingly won consecutive close games. Is this a sign that they've turned a corner and put their history of heartbreaking losses behind them? Doubtful. This is like when your puppy happens to poop outside a couple times; just because the circumstances broke correctly doesn't mean he's potty-trained.
Broncos 23-20
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
Something entertaining always happens when these divisional rivals clash. Then again, this season the Steelers' offense has been underachieving while the Bengals' D has been surprisingly stout. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Pittsburgh's defense has been solid and the Cincy offense has only somewhat recovered from a putrid beginning to the season. Sooo I guess when I promised entertainment I assumed you were a big fan of ugly, low-scoring games. And if that's true, well you are one sick, sadistic son of a bitch ... and I dig it. Feel free to get weird with this one ya freak.
Steelers 16-9
Seattle @ New York Giants
The nation is still reeling from the Giants' stunning upset of the Broncos last Sunday. It wasn't just that New York came into the game winless, but they were basically without a receiving corps. However, that ragtag crew of wide receivers shattered expectations by combining for 22 yards on 2 catches. Uhh, never mind, that's almost exactly what everybody expected. The real key was that the Giants' defense played the type of game that dummies who picked them to go far in the playoffs were expecting from them at the beginning of the season. If they play close to that level we should see a low-scoring game that will make for an enticing Afternoon for that sicko I was talking about in that last game.
Seahawks 17-10
Sunday Night
Atlanta @ New England
It's the most anticipated rematch of the season, and the best color commentator in the biz will be in the booth to cover it. Let's turn it over to him now; whaddaya got CriColl?
Mr. Collinsworth's opinions on the MTV show "Wild N' Out" do not necessarily reflect those of Henry Cotto's Mustache. Also, I couldn't help but notice that you didn't make a pick Cris. I guess I'll have to figure it out on my own; give me Atlanta because ... revenge.
Falcons 38-34
Monday Night
Washington @ Philadelphia
It's a rematch from Week 1, a bygone age when none of us knew that the Eagles would become the best team in the NFL. That is, if you trust their record, and I for one do; records never lie. With the exception of most of the statistical records in baseball, Kim Jong Il's various sporting achievements, and "Girl You Know It's True" by Milli Vanilli. Ok maybe records do lie sometimes. And maybe it crushes little kids who believed that two braided, Europrean men could make beautiful music. And maybe other kids made fun of one of their classmates for crying when the band was exposed as frauds; but he wasn't crying, it was raining outside. It was the rain! The rain! I'll take Philly.
