NFL Picks - Week 11 Thursday

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland 

The Steelers come into Thursday with a four game winning streak and a chance to effectively end their rival’s season. If I were a more crass individual I would say that Pittsburgh has the opportunity to flush the Browns. And if I were even crasser than that I could go so far as to say that while the Steelers have been solid lately the Browns have not been solid, meaning it’s probably time for a change in diet. But I’m not that crass, so I won’t say either of those things (But it’s pretty funny right? Because brown is the color of poop?). Cleveland did snap their four game losing streak last week, but the performance was hardly impressive, and it will likely take a better effort on Thursday to beat Pittsburgh. But that shouldn’t be too difficult, they just have to try harder. I don’t get why more NFL teams don’t do that. Judging by their season so far though, trying hard could be a problem for the Browns. 

Steelers 23-18

NFL Picks - Week 10

Sunday Morning 

Detroit @ Chicago 

I know the trade deadline has passed, but wouldn’t these teams be better off if they swapped quarterbacks before the game? Stafford could give the Bears some semblance of competency at QB for the first time since ... Jim Miller? I’m only sort of joking. It’s probably too late to save this season, but he’d definitely give Chicago a better chance for the next couple years. Meanwhile, the Lions could take Trubisky and bottom out, then cut him loose because, unlike the Bears, they don’t have the emotional baggage of having traded up to pick him 2nd while DeShaun Watson and Patrick Mahomes were available. Now that I think of it, in this scenario the Lions basically get the privilege of cutting one quarterback and trading theirs to a division rival. So maybe it doesn’t make a ton of sense for Detroit. But hey, sometimes NFL teams do nonsensical things, like draft Mitchell Trubisky 2nd overall, and then insist that he’s good for three years. 

Bears 24-20

Baltimore @ Cincinnati 

During their bye week the Bengals announced that they were benching Andy Dalton. Also in their time off they became the league’s only remaining winless team. Now that that’s the case they shouldn’t start backup QB Ryan Finley; instead they’d be better off turning to Who Dey, their mascot. And to be clear, I don’t mean  the human being inside the Who Dey mask, I mean the full Who Dey, costume and all. He’s already been issued a uniform, looks like he wears #1, so that’s one less logistical detail to worry about. Seems a little self-absorbed as far as number choices go, but that’s neither here nor there. The point is, throw out somebody even worse than Finley to ensure that you lock up that #1 pick in next year’s draft. And hey, if Who Dey shows some flashes of brilliance then maybe you pivot your future plans. You could stumble into a heckuva player! I doubt he’ll be able to effectively grip the ball with his cartoonish fabric paws, but who knows?!?

Ravens 31-13

Buffalo @ Cleveland

Both of these teams score about 19 per game. So there ya go, that’s what they have in common. Their differences are more plentiful, with most of them coming on the defensive side of the ball. The Bills only give up 16 points a game while the Browns surrender 26. That’s a simple and easy way of explaining why each team has a 6 and a 2 in their respective records, but those numbers are decidedly not in the same place. And hey, I’m all about using simple and easy metrics to pick these games, but I still figure Cleveland has to win a game sooner or later, and Buffalo’s record is a little inflated by their schedule (opponents’ combined record: 22-46).  They’ve simply beat the crummy teams ... which I guess is exactly what the Browns are. But just as we should be slightly skeptical of the Bills’ record, perhaps we can forgive Cleveland for theirs. The teams they’ve played so far this season are a combined 42-25. When you take that into account, are these teams really so different? Well yes, one of them has a terrible coach. Still though, a broken clock has to find a nut twice a day, right?

Browns 27-20

Kansas City @ Tennessee 

After picking up a thrilling win over the Vikings last week, the Chiefs could be tempted to let Patrick Mahomes take an extra week to heal up and roll one more time with Matt Moore. After all, Moore has played well in a close loss to Green Bay, and that aforementioned W against Minnesota. However, both of those games were played in Arrowhead Stadium, and this week KC has to go on the road. You don’t just stroll into Nashville with a backup QB and expect to come out with a win. Not in the hostile environment that is ... sorry, checking to see what the name of the Titans’ field is ... Nissan Stadium! Like an Altima on the freeway, this place just ain’t safe. Tennessee is a dominant 2-2 at home this season, so perhaps it wouldn’t be advisable for the Chiefs to not press their luck. Of course, if Mahomes can play at full strength KC should win comfortably. But if not, get ready for a one-QB pile-up at Nissan. 

Chiefs 30-23

Atlanta @ New Orleans 

Even though they’re 7-1 it sort of seems like the Saints are flying under the radar. Meanwhile, the Falcons are also under the radar, but that’s only because they plummeted into the ground weeks ago and are now lying there dead and rotting. This is a rivalry game, so I suppose anything can happen. But I don’t know if “anything” encompasses getting in a time machine and rescheduling this game to Week 1, so that in can be played in a world where the Falcons still have hope and/or any sort of motivation. 

Saints 38-20

New York Giants @ New York Jets

This match-up, played annually in the preseason and once every four years when it counts, between the two tenants of MetLife Stadium is charmingly referred to as the Snoopy Bowl. However, with these teams entering Sunday with a combined record of 3-14, I hereby submit that this year’s contest be known as the Poopy Bowl. New Yorkers often boast that they live in the greatest city on earth; this game could single-handedly derail their argument. Sure they’re playing in New Jersey, but these teams represent the biggest market in the NFL and on Sunday they’ll join together to form the biggest suckhole that Week 10 has to offer. In fact, this game probably won’t look much different than those preseason match-ups. Lots of sloppiness, plenty of unknown players, and a half empty crowd by the middle of the fourth quarter. Perhaps the Snoopy Bowl and the Poopy Bowl aren’t so different after all. And hey, one comes from Peanuts, the other occasionally comes with peanuts. I’m very sorry.

Giants 23-18

Arizona @ Tampa Bay

This game sees former Cardinals Coach Bruce Arians going up against the franchise he nearly guided to the Super Bowl. I mean, his team was beaten by 34 points in the NFC championship game, so they weren’t that close to the Super Bowl, but you get what I’m saying. Arians' M.O. then, as it is now, was pushing the ball downfield with a vertical passing attack. Meanwhile, new Arizona coach Kliff Kingsbury’s strategy is just passing in general, so this one could get a little wild. Also, both of these defenses have shown that they’re not opposed to giving up large quantities of yards and points. This game just screams shootout. That being said, for anyone planning on attending, do not scream “shootout” when you’re at the actual game. That is taken very seriously in our current climate. Well, maybe not in Florida.

Buccaneers 37-34

Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ Indianapolis 

The Dolphins won! Those morons! What where they thinking? Just weeks ago they were coasting to a winless season and looking like one of the worst teams ever. Then they decided to reinsert Ryan Fitzpatrick as their starting quarterback and everything went downhill. First they almost beat Washington, then they had first half leads over Buffalo and Pittsburgh, and now this. What did they expect, Ryan Fitzpatrick to go out and lose games? That man doesn’t know how to fail! I mean, ok, sure he does it regularly, but he also routinely pulls off upset wins and drags inept teams into somewhat competent performances. Competency is exactly what Miami’s front office was trying to avoid. They should’ve cut Fitzpatrick at halftime last Sunday, it would’ve been the only way to avoid this catastrophe. And now with Brian Hoyer possibly starting at quarterback for the Colts this game it’s quite possible that Fitzpatrick leads the Dolphins to unfathomable heights: a winning streak. I still doubt it will happen, but like anything involving Ryan Fitzpatrick, I wouldn’t put it past him. 

Colts 26-16

Carolina @ Green Bay

With Cam Newton now officially out for the season with his foot injury, Kyle Allen is the quarterback of the Carolina Panthers. And something tells me that that’s going to scare the crap out of him. Sure he was doing well filling in, but things were casual then, everybody was just having fun! But now that it’s official? I don’t know, maybe things are getting too serious for Allen. He’s a young man, he doesn’t need this kind of pressure. Now the Panthers are talking about spending the weekend together in Wisconsin? This is moving really fast. Also, I heard Ron Rivera talking to reporters, saying that the goal of all of this was to get a ring, maybe even as early as February! Kyle man, you gotta get out of there bro, Carolina sounds clingy.

Packers 27-17

Los Angeles Rams @ Pittsburgh 

It seems strange that these teams are only one game apart entering Sunday. I double-checked though, and it’s actually true. The Steelers have won three in a row and, based on their remaining schedule, could definitely get to 9-7, even with a loss here. Whoops, I guess I just revealed my pick midway through the blurb. You didn’t just skip ahead after that did you? Hello? Hmm, looks like it’s just me here. I can write whatever I want. Finally I can admit that I don’t even like football. I waste so many Sundays every fall watching this crap just so I can write this blog. If only it weren’t so popular I could pull a Deadspin and quit. Sure they said it was about principle, but I think they were actually just tired of sports. I feel ya guys, I ... Oh, you’re back. Uhh, here’s the score! Just what you came here for, right? (You selfish son of a ...) What’s that? Yeah, yep, here it is:

Rams 24-19

Sunday Night

Minnesota @ Dallas

The Cowboys are back on Sunday Night Football for the third time in seven weeks. Fun! Let's see if the man calling these games has as much Dallas fatigue as me:

I feel compelled to alert the authorities.

Cowboys 27-20

Monday Night

Seattle @ San Francisco 

At 7-2, it’s fair to say that the Seahawks have had a good start to the season. However, most of those wins have come by a slim margin against sub .500 opponents. Seattle’s remaining schedule is literally the most difficult in the league, so we’ll soon find out if they can keep the magic working against legit competition. But hey, as Ric Flair says, “To be the man, ya gotta beat the man.” Except wait a minute, no, that’s not true in the NFL. You can just stockpile wins against lousy bums and skate into the playoffs. Style points don’t exist. C’mon, bring on more losers! Alright fine, I guess it’s time to get serious. Well there’s nothing more serious than a Monday night game against the 8-0 49ers. Actually, Daniel Day Lewis telling you you have terminal cancer would be more serious, but this game is up there. The aforementioned Ric Flair was notorious for getting bodyslammed off the top rope each and every time he attempted to set up an aerial maneuver. The Seahawks may be wise to learn from Flair’s mistakes and keep to the ground. The Niners have been occasionally vulnerable defending the run, and if Seattle can move it effectively with their rushing attack they stand a decent chance. Then again, any team in any game stands a decent chance if they can run the ball effectively. Why are we wasting time? You know how this goes. 

Seahawks 23-17 

NFL Picks - Week 10 Thursday

Los Angeles Chargers @ Oakland 

The Chargers bowed up and won a huge road game against the Packers last Sunday to breathe life back into their season. Of course, that game was technically played in the Chargers' home stadium, but based on the crowd in attendance that clearly wasn’t the case. Now the Chargers have to deal with rumors that the league is considering relocating them to London. I’m not sure the NFL can ethically do that before Philip Rivers retires. Do you have any idea how difficult it would be to find a house in London that fits 11 people? Also, do they even sell bolo ties in the UK? I doubt it. This simply work if Rivers is still the Chargers QB. That’s all a hypothetical though, what isn’t is that whichever of these teams gets the win here will set themselves up nicely for a run at a wild card spot. On the other hand, the losing team could see their season go down the tubes, especially if it’s the Chargers, who could soon be traveling to games on the tube. 

Chargers 30-27

NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Houston @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars have had a real up and down season. They lost their first two, then won their next two, then lost their next two, then won their next two. It’s fitting that they’re playing in London this week because the Brits have a name for this type of win/loss pattern, they call it the Burlswich Flip-Flop. It stems from an old English football club that never won more than two games in a row. Of course, that team only played six matches in the history of their franchise before a (somehow) contagious strain of gout spread through the locker room and forced the club to cease operations. Ironically, the treatment for the disease required the players to air out their feet at all times, forcing the Burlswich boys to wear, you guessed it, flip flops. Is this the week that Jacksonville pulls out of their Burlswich funk? You’ll have to tune in to find out. So flip that TV on at ... 6:30am?!? Jeez, I’d sooner volunteer for a case of gout than get up that early to watch this game. 

Texans 23-20

Washington @ Buffalo 

Last week The Bills played a decent team for the second time this season and they lost for the second time. Good news for the Bills though, their upcoming schedule is Washington, @ Cleveland, @ Miami, Denver. If you can only beat lousy teams it’s nice to have a bunch of them on your schedule. Washington seemed like they would be less lousy after their all-pro left tackle Trent Williams came back from his holdout. Now it appears that he won't be playing anytime soon. I like to think he completely checked out and didn’t watch any football during his time away. So now he comes back like, “Ok boys let’s go to work, where we at? 1-7?!? Fuck this.” Seconds later he peels out of the parking lot. As for this game, look for some points. And by that I mean you’ll really have to look for the points, because they’ll likely be hard to find. 

Bills 16-10

Minnesota @ Kansas City 

Will Patrick Mahomes be back? Doesn't seem likely. And if not the Chiefs could fall to 5-4 and ... well, still be firmly in first place in the AFC West. So maybe it makes sense from a strategy standpoint for KC’s QB1 to sit out another week. It also makes sense from a kneecap standpoint, because pretty recently Mahomes’s was not where it should be. The Vikings are on a roll, having won four in a row, and a road victory here would be a nice feather in their cap. Meanwhile the Chiefs are just hoping that Mahomes has a nice tether in his (knee) cap. Or something, I’m not exactly sure what type of procedure he had, but when there’s a play on words that amazing available you don’t just let it pass you by. 

Vikings 30-23

New York Jets @ Miami

It seems like every week the Dolphins are playing in the worst match-up of the season. This week's contest features one combined win. I almost have that many. Me, just by myself. I’m only one back of these teams together. And I imagine you could say the same thing. That win total figures to double this week though, barring a tie or both teams deciding to quit in the middle of the game. The more I think about it though the more likely that latter scenario seems. I wouldn’t blame any players on these teams for bailing at this point. Speaking as a man who has zero NFL wins on the season I can personally attest to how frustrating it is to go week after week without a W. It would be an interesting ruse if the Dolphins agreed to simultaneously leave the field with the Jets only to take a step back at the last second and get their first win via a sort of rug-pulling forfeiture. It might be their best option at the moment. 

Jets 23-16

Chicago @ Philadelphia 

One week after the Bears missed another last second field goal to lose a home game, they are forced to play the Eagles who they famously fell to in the exact same fashion last January. I said before the season that the Bears would miss the playoffs in large part because coach Matt Nagy had psyched everybody out in his search for a reliable kicker in the wake of that playoff loss. Chicago eventually settled on Eddie Pineiro and now a confluence of circumstances has caused the Bears’ kicking ordeal to reach a critical mass. Is there any doubt that this game will come down to a potential game-winning field goal attempt for Chicago? I see two possible outcomes. One: Pineiro lines up for the kick, takes two steps in his run-up to the ball and collapses under the weight of his emotions into a sobbing heap on the Lincoln Financial Field turf while his holder gets obliterated by the on-rushing defense. Or two: an unprecedented triple doink. 

Eagles 20-18

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh 

The Colts only play close games. Each one one of their contests have been decided by 7 points or less. With their record at 5-2 does that mean they’re lucky or good? Hey dummy, their logo is a horseshoe! These guys have built their whole franchise on luck. And actually, their whole franchise used to be built around Luck, which makes it ironic that fortune is smiling on them even now that he’s gone. Much like Indianapolis, the Steelers have been without their starting quarterback for most of the season. That’s where the similarities end however, as Pittsburgh sits at 3-4, and are 1-3 in games decided by 7 or less. That being said, the Steelers have won two in a row and they’re certainly not out of the playoff race yet. They’ll have to keep up this pace to catch back up to teams like the Colts though, who are running away from the pack thanks to their superior shoes. 

Colts 24-22

Tennessee @ Carolina 

The Titans have won two in a row and are now 4-4, which unfortunately is only good enough for last in the AFC South. But hey, it’s the best last place record in the league! So there’s that. It seems odd to say, but Tennessee may have finally found some stability with Ryan Tannehill as their quarterback. Or maybe their consecutive wins should be attributed to the crumminess of their opponents. Still, Tannehill has been good enough, which is more praise than I thought I’d be compelled to heap upon Ry for the remainder of his career. Meanwhile, Kyle Allen finally fell well short of competent in the Panthers’ blowout loss in “San Francisco,” and now the youngster must rebound to keep Carolina from falling to .500. I guess he doesn’t have to rebound, he can probably just give the ball to Christian McCaffrey every play and hope for the best. Yes that’s pretty much been their strategy all season, but it would be interesting to see them fully commit for an entire game. As is, I’m not sure what to make of these teams so I’ll just lean towards the home team and hope we get the full McCaffrey experience. 

Panthers 20-16

Sunday Afternoon 

Detroit @ Oakland 

Each of the last three seasons the Lions have started 3-3. Now, in 2019 they’re 3-3-1. It appears that they’re caught in a mediocrity loop. And for anybody who’s been on it, they know that the Mediocrity Loop is the lamest ride at the fair. It looks like the Lions will have to wait until 2020 to get off. Mediocrity is actually an improvement for the Raiders, who have to feel decent about their 3-4 record. That being said, 3-4 ain’t gonna get ya to the playoffs. First of all it wouldn’t be a good enough record, but also it’s only seven games. Normally you have to play a full 16 to qualify for the playoffs regardless of your winning percentage. But nice try Raiders! Always looking to pull a fast one, and that’s why we love ya. I’ll tell ya what isn’t a fast one though, the Mediocrity Loop; again that ride really sucks. 

Raiders 30-27

Tampa Bay @ Seattle 

When last these teams met in 2016, the final score was a hilarious 14-5. I’m not sure if the final this time around will be any more conventional, but I’d bet at least $20 that the total will be higher. First of all, these teams can score, the Bucs average 28 per game while the Seahawks are at 26. Secondly, their defenses give up their fair share; 30 per game for Tampa and 24.5 for Seattle. And finally, that last game was 14-5! They’ll probably top that after two possessions! Yes, I know that’s impossible! But I also know that nothing’s impossible. So what do you have to say to that jocko? Shut up about the math! It’s gonna happen, just watch. And no, I don’t want you to text me if and when it doesn’t. Also, how did you get my number? 

Seahawks 28-23

Cleveland @ Denver 

Joe Flacco openly criticized the Broncos’ conservative playcalling while trying to protect a one point fourth quarter lead in last week’s loss to the Colts. Apparently the FlaccMan thought a pass would’ve been more effective in closing things out. But come on Joe, do you know who Denver’s quarterback is? It’s you! You know you would’ve just thrown a pick or taken some abysmal sack/fumble. Then again, Flacco has never been a man who knows his own limitations, and isn’t that why we all love him? Though I suspect that the Broncos’ coaching staff wasn’t too enamored with their QB’s comments. I wouldn't have been surprised if offensive coordinator Rich Scangarello gave Flacco exactly what he was asking for in this game and called nothing but passes. It’s like when a parent catches their kid with cigarettes and then makes them smoke the whole carton. Eventually, after being sacked for the twelfth time a battered Flacco would have knelt at Scangarello’s feet and, with tears trickling down his face, apologized for his hubris. But alas, Flacco is out for the next month plus, so I guess that will make the coaches and Flacco happy.

Browns 24-12

Green Bay @ Los Angeles Chargers

The Chargers are always at a disadvantage in their own home stadium, but this Sunday will be particularly bad due to a number of factors. First of all, Packers fans travel notoriously well, so Dignity Health Sports Park will be overrun with those always hilarious cheesehead hats. Secondly, no Angelinos will show up because they’ve spent the week watching local news coverage of the whole region being on fire and they’d rather not inhale while outdoors. Lastly, there are no Charger fans in Los Angeles to begin with! Phil Rivers and the boys are used to this type of environment, so that won’t be too big of a deal. But they’ve also grown accustomed to losing in this type of environment. They’re 1-3 at Dignity Health Spa Resort and Casino Emporium this season. Just because you’re comfortable with something doesn’t mean you’re good at it. Just ask an alcoholic. 

Packers 27-24

Sunday Night

New England @ Baltimore 

Are these Patriots an all-time great team, or merely just another very good New England squad that will win the Super Bowl? We'll start to get some answers on Sunday night. With some more insight on how this one plays out here's Sunday Night Football's color commentator Cris Collinsworth:

Disgusting and informative.

Patriots 24-17

Monday Night

Dallas @ New York Giants

The Giants were buyers at the trade deadline, acquiring defensive tackle Leonard Williams from the Jets. With their record at 2-6 I have no idea why this move was made. They’re like a former executive who was fired months ago but never told their family so they still drive a Mercedes and leave every morning at 7am but just go sit at a coffee shop two towns over for 9 hours. Except the Giants play in full view of the public on a weekly basis so they’re not fooling anybody into thinking that everything’s ok. Who knows, maybe Williams will be just the shot in the arm that the Giants need and he’ll lead them to an eight game winning streak to finish the season at 10-6. But that’s the whole thing, even if they win all of their remaining games they’ll only be 10-6, which might not even be good enough to make the playoffs in the NFC at this rate. So basically every game is a must-win for them starting on Monday. And if they don’t top the Cowboys you can expect to see all 53 Giants at a Starbucks in Secaucus Tuesday morning. Just don't ask them to sell the Mercedes.

Cowboys 27-17

NFL Picks - Week 9 Thursday

San Francisco @ Arizona 

The Cardinals acquired running back Kenyan Drake from the Dolphins this week in an effort to bolster their banged up running back group. I’ve heard of going from the outhouse to the penthouse, but this is more like going from the outhouse to ... a nicer bathroom. Sure there’s running water and it doesn’t smell quite so bad, but it’s still a bathroom, and that’s hard to forget. Speaking of, the Niners continue to crap on every team in their path, and their reign of terror figures to continue on Thursday. With a loss Arizona would fall to 3-5-1 and be forced to take a long look in the mirror and figure out where they're headed for the remainder of 2019. But hey, at least they have a mirror to look into. In the outhouse there’s just a drawing of a guy that hopefully looks a bit like you. 

49ers 27-9

NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Atlanta 

The Seahawks gave up two defensive touchdowns in their Week 7 loss to the Ravens. That makes three on the season for Seattle, and actually a couple yards away from a fourth. These are back-breaking plays that can sway an entire game, so the Hawks need to figure out some way to prevent them. My solution: put in a free safety on offense! Line him up about 20 yards behind Russell Wilson and just let him patrol the offensive backfield and eliminate big plays in the opposite direction. And I’m wondering if the Seahawks already had the same idea seeing as how Seattle traded for safety Quandre Diggs on Tuesday. Coincidence? I think not! They’re bringing him in specifically to stop opposing defenses. Will this strategy result in having to basically play 10-on-11 on almost every play? Yes. But sometimes drastic measures need to be taken. Drastic, ridiculously dumb measures. 

Seahawks 31-17




Philadelphia @ Buffalo

Sure the Bills are 5-1, but every one of their wins has come against a team with a losing record. Well sorry Buffalo, because now Philly is coming to town and they’re bringing their ... 3-4 record?!? Hey what the hell? I didn’t realize these guys were under .500 too. Jeez these bully Bills are just going to keep picking on poor, defenseless teams aren’t they? And “defenseless” would be the correct word to describe the Eagles lately. They’re coming off consecutive losses to the Vikings and Cowboys in which they gave up 38 and 37 points, respectively. Yes, Philly registers as a stiffer test than most of the Bills’ previous opponents, but if the Eagles cede any more than 24 points or so they’ll be in bad shape, considering that Buffalo’s D gives up an average of only 15 per game. It certainly seems like the Eagles are in a bad way right now, but they’ll be the more desperate team on Sunday (or at least, they should be), and that means a lot.  My head and heart say take Buffalo, but I'm usually wrong, so I'll go the other way.

Eagles 23-20




Los Angeles Chargers @ Chicago 

One of the more startling stats I saw from last week was the breakdown of the Bears’ play selection in their loss to the Saints. They threw the ball 54 times and ran it 7. Obviously being behind in the second half necessitated that they go to the air more, but that ratio is extreme, regardless of who your quarterback is. As it is though, Chicago’s quarterback is Mitchell Trubisky, which makes those numbers even more outrageous. To make matters worse, after the game Trubisky told reporters that he hopes he gets to throw it 70 times this week. Then he started flexing his muscles and telling everybody what a “strong boy” he was and that he “makes balls go far with (his) big gun.” It was really uncomfortable, especially when he put a reporter in a headlock and bounced a football off his head repeatedly. Clearly Trubisky is over-compensating for something, and I have to believe it’s his play on the field. If there’s any team who can help him get back on the right track it’s the Miami Dolphins. Unfortunately they’re not on the schedule. But the Chargers are, and they really love to lose games, usually in pitiful fashion. So perhaps Trubisky can display his self-professed strength on Sunday. 

Bears 27-24




New York Giants @ Detroit 

The Lions finally lost convincingly last Sunday. Prior to that every one of their games had been a nail-biter with varying degrees of zaniness. Will they be able to recover from this slip up and get back to .500? Well let’s see, do they have a home game against the Giants coming up anytime soon? Oh hey, that’s on the schedule this week! What a windfall! Sure the Giants probably feel like they need a win just as badly as the Lions, but that doesn’t mean they’re capable of actually getting it. It’s like how I need to connect with my kids on a deeper, more emotional level. I understand that, but that doesn’t it mean it will happen. Necessity and ability don’t always line up. That’s a lesson I’d like to impart to the New York Giants and my children, those rotten BRATS!

Lions 33-23




Tampa Bay @ Tennessee

It’s a quarterback showdown between the #1 and #2 picks in the 2015 draft! Well it would be if the Titans hadn’t benched Marcus Mariota a couple weeks ago. So now we’re left with Jameis Winston vs. Ryan Tannehill. A soon to be officially failed first round pick against a failed first round pick. I’ve got goosebumps! Sorry, that was a bit of a grammatical type-o there, it should have read “I’ve got Goosebumps!” with a capital G. Yeah, I used to be a big Stine Stan. I had like the first 45 books in the series, read about half of them too. I’d have to say my favorite was The Barking Ghost, which I highly recommend. And I recommend reading it during this game, because it would be a better use of your time. Also you can probably plow through a 'Bumps in about three hours, so it would fit perfectly. 

Titans 24-17




Denver @ Indianapolis

The Broncos are now 22-33 since they won Super Bowl 50. Can you believe that? The Broncos won Super Bowl 50! I know, it’s hard to fathom. The abysmal record since then though isn’t very shocking considering Denver’s starting quarterbacks have been: Trevor Siemian, Paxton Lynch, Brock Osweiler, Case Keenum, and Joe Flacco. But perhaps the most mediocre of all the Broncos’ QBs over the last four seasons has been John Elway. Ohhh! Sorry Johnny, I just had to burn ya. But it’s true, you can’t blame these quarterbacks on the field for being lousy, that’s just who they are. It’s not their fault that someone bought into them being a viable starter in the NFL. Elway is the one who needs to be held responsible for seemingly having no feel how skilled these players are or how much they should be paid. It’s possible that Elway is a very insecure man and is personally sabotaging his own team to ensure that his legacy as the greatest Broncos quarterback of all time is safe. If that is his goal then bravo John, because Flacco was an inspired choice. I mean, he’s a Super Bowl MVP, how bad could he be? But we knew, we all knew, and so did you Johnny boy, you sly bastard, you quarterback sneak. 

Colts 26-13




Cincinnati @ Los Angeles Rams

The Bengals are mounting a serious challenge to the Dolphins for the #1 pick in the 2020 draft. They technically have the inside track right now at 0-7, but rest assured that after Cincy’s bye in Week 9 the Dolphins will have caught up to them at 0-8. Hey does anybody remember four years ago when the Bengals started the season 8-0? That actually happened. Anyhow, it’s unlikely that two teams would go winless for an entire season seeing as how it’s only happened to two squads since the schedule was expanded to 16 games. I can almost guarantee you that it won’t happen this year either. And that’s because, great news folks, the Bengals and Dolphins play each other in Week 16! Could we have a combined 0-28 clash in the making? I pray that it will be so. The game is set for 12/22, and really it’s all I want for Christmas. Well that and large sums of cash.

Rams 35-14




Arizona @ New Orleans 

The Cardinals have a three game win streak against three of the league’s bottom tier teams. So I guess that means Arizona is above that bottom tier if they’re able to triumph over those sad-sacks. That being said, each win has been close, and looking at their remaining schedule I wouldn’t be shocked if they only won 1-2 more games for the rest of the season. Look for that slump to start on Sunday in New Orleans. It’s not uncommon to visit the Big Easy and come back with a months long hangover, and that’s exactly what I expect to happen to the Cardinals. It’s also not uncommon to visit the Big Easy, change your name to Rodney Chambeaux, jump on board a shrimping boat, and start a new life for yourself, a simpler life. One where you ain’t got no woman or no bossman tellin’ ya how to live. Yeah that’s freedom, or at least a kind of freedom; probably the closest thing you can find to it these days. Now if all of that happens to the Cardinals I’d be a little more surprised and I guess it would mean they wouldn’t win any more games this season. 

Saints 28-16




New York Jets @ Jacksonville

Sam Darnold did not have the best night against the Patriots last Monday. Here’s his stat line: 11-32, 86 yds, 4 INTs. Those are pedestrian numbers, assuming that said pedestrian was hit by a car while crossing the street. Actually, a seriously maimed or possibly even dead person would probably know their limitations, not try to do too much, and as a result end up throwing fewer picks than Darnold did. But hey, throwers gotta keep throwing, and the Jets are hoping hat their thrower does so at higher clip than 2.7 yards per attempt. Meanwhile, if the Jags win this game 16-12 they’ll achieve a sort of perfect mediocrity at the season’s midpoint. They’d be 4-4 will scoring 20.0 points per game and allowing 20.0 per game. Sometimes scores are easier to pick than a Sam Darnold pass. 

Jaguars 16-12




Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ San Francisco 

Last week the 49ers shut out Washington in a driving rainstorm on a waterlogged version of FedEx Field’s notoriously terrible playing surface. Considering all the factors that’s a pretty low bar to clear for a shutout. Then again, you can’t give up less than zero points, so San Francisco should be given some credit. They’ve surrendered 10 points over their last three games and remain undefeated at 6-0. In a way they're going up against another undefeated team this Sunday, the Kyle Allen Panthers. Carolina hasn’t lost since the undrafted second year man took over for an injured Cam Newton. And so we’re left with a real Jack and Diane special, something’s gotta give! According to the always unimpeachable IMDb trivia Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton’s roles in Something's Gotta Give were written specifically for them. That’s more than can be said for Kyle Allen who began the season as an understudy but has turned into a leading man. Will his Hollywood story continue in Santa Clara on Sunday? Well it’s like Jack Nicholson always says, “Don’t ask me, I got a Lakers game to get to!” So I don’t know for sure, but I’ll pick the home team.

49ers 20-16




Cleveland @ New England

Mohammed Sanu tweeted “LFG!!!!” after being traded to the Patriots on Tuesday. It makes sense, it must be pretty cool to go from toiling on a 1-6 team to winning the Super Bowl at the drop of a hat. Sure there’s a lot of games left to be played, but at the moment I’d be very surprised if New England isn’t at least playing in Super LIV. Their defense has still only given up 3 touchdowns on the season, and while the Browns offense is probably the best one they will have faced so far, Cleveland is still wildly inconsistent. Baker Mayfield has thrown a league-high 11 interceptions and now finds himself up against a defense that leads the league in picks by a healthy margin. That combination could result in a downright silly amount of bad decisions by Mayfield. Or perhaps the Browns will be so hyper-aware of that possibility that they’ll employ an overly-cautious gameplan in which they don’t throw at all. Though does this look like and overly-cautious man to you?

Patriots 34-9




Oakland @ Houston 

I keep waiting for the Texans to ascend into the upper echelon of the AFC, and after a 53 point performance against Atlanta and a win in Kansas City it seemed like they were poised to. However, last week they stumbled in Indianapolis and now seem destined for another 10-6 type season. That’s nothing to sneeze at (unless you’re allergic to hyphens in which case you’d likely sneeze no matter what their record was), but that loss in Indy ceded control of the AFC South to the Colts, and if Houston can’t get by the Divisional round of the playoffs for the first time in franchise history after trading away so much of their future drafts, this may end up feeling like they’re treading water. Normally a game against the Raiders would represent something of a life jacket, a brief respite for a team trying to keep its head above the surface. This season though, Oakland is a little frisky, like a dog that swims up to you to play, but it doesn’t realize that its kicking legs are scratching the hell out of you. The Texans could easily get nipped by this Raiders team, or they could blow them out by 20. Like I said, it’s Houston, so I’m not sure what to expect.

Texans 30-20




Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Kansas City

What was once a marquee quarterback match-up has become a slightly tainted Sunday Night match-up. That is unless Mahomes really tries to play ... It doesn't seem possible, but let's ask Cris Collinsworth what he thinks:

Nice save CriColl.

Packers 27-17




Monday Night

Miami @ Pittsburgh 

Sometimes scores just pick themselves. Other times you wish they would, and that a write-up would somehow be magically conjured up as well so that you wouldn’t have to spend any time thinking about it. Unfortunately that’s not the case here, and I’m forced to confront this Monday Night Football game. And, in kind, we’re all forced to confront our own mortality. If you dare to watch this it will make you ponder your own death, and whether or not it might be preferable to staring at the screen for another play. I’d caution against taking any drastic measures though, especially if the remote is within arm’s reach. I haven’t checked the listings for Monday night, but I’d guess that something will be on another channel that doesn’t make you long for eternal slumber.

Steelers 23-13