The Official HCM Mock Draft

Your party hosts all got together and did a crazy make-em-up where we were the GMs of the teams in the NFL. I took the AFC, Mr. F had the NFC East, Sean had the NFC West, Matt had the NFC North, and Erik had the NFC South. We mocked the first round and had a great time doing it (except for when Sean set the Seahawks back three years with his pick). Enjoy!


With the #1 pick I select Patrick Peterson CB, LSU.

Might seem crazy but let's think about this. From what I've read the consensus is that Peterson or Marcell Dareus is the best player in the draft. With the league as it is, someone who can help shut down the opposing team's passing game is more valuable than someone who can help shut down the run game. So why not just draft the best player first?

Also, I don't want some guy with a fake smile or the first name Blaine.


Ooooohhh. History is made as a CB goes #1 overall for the first time.

With the #2 pick the Denver Broncos select Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama

This is the player we want. He’s the perfect player to help improve our terrible, terrible defense. Cheers from our fans will be heard as far as away as Portland when we make this pick. I think he’s disruptive and active enough to also improve the pass rush from the interior and not just stop the run.

With the #3 pick the Buffalo Bills select Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

A perfect fit for Buffalo. He can be the superstar that the city really needs to turn around the hard times it’s been through over the last (insert number of years since the city was founded) years. Cam will really love the opportunity to come play for the Bi…what’s that? No chance at all? Can you even holdout for a trade during a lockout?

With the #4 pick the Cincinnati Bengals select AJ Green, WR, Georgia

Best player available and it’s a position of need.


Nobody is really available here to make us better. We trade the #5 pick to Dallas for the #9 pick, a 3rd rounder and a 6th rounder

As a GM I love Von Miller but the Bidwells are not very happy that he is a named plaintiff in the class action lawsuit against them. We figure there will be a small handed- weak armed quarterback available at #9


No, I like the trade. Cowboys are on the clock.


The Cowboys select OT Tyron Smith. A lot of mocks had us getting him in our old spot... but Jerry Jones is an impatient idiot and made the move. He needs to protect pretty boy Romo.


With the 6th pick the Cleveland Browns select Julio Jones, WR, Alabama

Mike Holmgrum will love the physical way Julio Jones plays the position and the fact that he occasionally drops passes he should catch.

Sean: trading down some more. Swapping with Minnesota for a 4th rounder

With the 7th overall pick the Minnesota Vikings select Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri. Who knows if he would have fallen to 12th at this point, but why not move up at that small cost.


With the 8th pick the Tennessee Titans select Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn.

It’s been a few years since the Titans have had a DT who takes some plays off and takes some questionable shots at people.

SEAN (let’s see if the Bidwells stick to their guns on this one):

With the 9th pick the Arizona Cardinals select Robert Quinn, DE, North Carolina

Heavy doses of Sunshine have been proven to reduce the size of brain tumors. This pick is not only going to help our pass rush, but displays some of the humanitarianism that runs through the blood of this organization.


Redskins take Ryan mallet. Cuz they need a qb. And cuz I'm driving and I can't think of any other players.


Wow. 7 SEC players taken in the Top 10

With the 11th pick the Houston Texans select Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M

Never thought this would really be an option, but a perfect fit for the 3-4 rush LB position. The defense can’t stop the pass, so they’ll try to prevent the QB from getting the pass off instead.

(the 49ers let the clock run out and the Lions made the pick ahead of San Francisco)

With the 12th pick the Detroit Lions select Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska

This is right in line with the Detroit Lions pattern of drafting in 3s. First it was WRs now this is the middle pick in their Princes’ Trilogy*

*I’m only assuming Ndamukong Suh is an African prince based on his name, I haven’t verified that to be true


With the 13th pick the San Francisco 49ers select Jake Locker.

Of all the cities in the country, Jake really felt at home in San Francisco. He has already picked out a cute little apartment in the Castro District

With the 14th pick the St Louis Rams select Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson

Gotta stop the run to compete in the NFC West

With the 15th pick the Miami Dolphins select Mike Pouncey, OG/C, Florida

Versatile player who can help shore up their line.

With the 16th pick the Jacksonville Jaguars select Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue
Token white, high-motor DE.

With the 17th pick the New England Patriots select Cameron Jordan, DE, Cal
Great fit for the 3-4.

With the 18th pick the San Diego Chargers select JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin
Watt might not be available at this point, but since he is, the Chargers will be happy to grab a player who fits their scheme.


The Giants are a lame team. So they'll make a lame pick. Feagles was a rock at punter for them and they're still looking for his replacement. That douche who kicked to Desean Jackson clearly isn't the answer and cost them a trip to the playoffs. So they'll take Cougar standout Reid Forrest, Punter.


That run of DEs really screwed over the Bucs. So we'll take the best one left. Maybe, I've never really heard of the guy. (I talked to the Tampa GM and this is literally what he said to me.) The Bucs select DE/LB Aldon Smith from Missouri.


With the 21st pick the Kansas City Chiefs select Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College

With the 22nd pick the Indianapolis Colts select Gabe Carimi, OT, Wisconsin


The Eagles have all the offense they need with professional dog killer Michael Vick and classy DeSean Jackson. SO they'll go defense with CB Jimmy Smith. Not sure what school he went to though.


Saints take Corey Liuget DT from Illinois. Obviously.


With the 25th pick the Seattle Seahawks select Christian Ponder, QB, Florida St

Ever wonder what it would be like if we had a QB with Matt Hasselbeck’s head and Charlie Whitehurst’s arm? Done!


Does anyone want to buy my Seahawks tickets?

With the 26th pick the Baltimore Ravens select Cameron Heyward, DE/DT, The Ohio State University

With the 27th pick the Atlanta Falcons select Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa.
Berman will make a Delores Claiborne joke. (Peter’s note: and it will be lamer than Adrian’s right arm)


With the 28th pick the New England Patriots select Justin Houston, DE/OLB, Georgia
They like to pick SEC players and this is the best player from the SEC left on the board. Plus, they need help with the pass rush and that’s all Houston is really good at.


For some reason, I see the Bears really wanting Gabe Carmini, but that is a hopeless fantasy at this point. Logic says they’ll grab the best lineman available, but I think with a couple of tackles left on the board they go a different direction and look to move up in the second round to secure a lineman

With the 29th pick the Chicago Bears select Marvin Austin, DT, North Carolina

Forget Tommie Harris, the Bears have been trying to replace Tank Johnson for years and Austin will be perfect


With the 30th pick the New York Jets select Phil Taylor, NT, Baylor

There couldn’t be a more perfect pick in the first round than this one. He is the best true nose tackle in the draft and fits with the 3-4 scheme the Jets use. Plus, he is dropping on a lot draft boards because of an injury concern. He has an inoperable condition in his foot. His foot! This requires a team, specifically the head coach, to really investigate thoroughly the injured body part and pay extra special attention to it. Seriously, how great will it be to have Big Fat Ball Coach on one of those web-cam type interviews after the pick? They’ll have no choice but to ask him about Taylor’s feet and Ryan will have to use all his might to not come off as some creep drooling over this guy’s feet.

With the 31st pick the Pittsburgh Steelers select Aaron Williams, CB/S, Texas


With the 32nd pick the Green Bay Packers select Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama

Can’t go a whole first round without a RB and while I think they’d look at Solder here as a LT of the future, they get more immediate help with Ingram.

1. Erik – Panthers – Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU

2. Peter – Broncos – Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama

3. Peter – Bills – Cam Newton, QB, Auburn

4. Peter – Bengals – AJ Green, WR, Georgia

5. Finn - Cowboys - Tyron Smith, OT, USC

6. Peter – Browns – Julio Jones, WR, Alabama

7. Matt - Vikings - Blaine Gabbert, QB, Missouri

8. Peter – Titans – Nick Fairley, DT, Auburn

9. Sean – Cardinals – Robert Quinn, DE/OLB, UNC

10. Finn – Redskins – Ryan Mallett, QB, Arkansas

11. Peter – Texans – Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M

12. Sean – 49ers - Jake Locker, QB, Washington

13. Matt – Lions – Prince Amukamara, CB, Nebraska

14. Sean - Rams - Da'Quan Bowers, DE, Clemson

15. Peter - Dolphins - Mike Pouncey, OG/C, Florida

16. Peter - Jaguars - Ryan Kerrigan, DE, Purdue

17. Peter - Patriots - Cameron Jordan, DE, Cal

18. Peter - Chargers - JJ Watt, DE, Wisconsin

19. Finn - Giants - Reid Forrest, P, WAZZU

20. Erik - Bucs - Aldon Smith, DE/LB, Missouri

21. Peter – Chiefs – Anthony Castonzo, OT, Boston College

22. Peter – Colts – Gabe Carimi, OT Wisconsin

23. Finn - Eagles - Jimmy Smith, CB, Colorado

24. Erik - Saints - Corey Liuget, DT, Illinois

25. Sean – Seahawks – Christian Ponder, QB, FSU

26. Peter – Ravens – Cameron Heyward, DE/DT, Ohio St

27. Erik - Falcons - Adrian Clayborn, DE, Iowa

28. Peter – Patriots – Justin Houston, OLB/DE, Georgia

29. Matt – Bears - Marvin Austin, DT, North Carolina

30. Peter – Jets – Phil Taylor, NT, Baylor

31. Peter – Steelers – Aaron Williams, CB/S, Texas

32. Matt – Packers – Mark Ingram, RB, Alabama


Erik said...

I'll take Danny Noonan.

Mr. F said...

What a joke.

Fortune said...

the mustacheers dont even know what say!