NFL Picks Week 9

We've hit the midway point of the season, which means I'm either going to be repeating myself or reaching way too far to think of creative things to say. Enjoy!

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Kansas City

Interesting coaching match-up here, Todd Haley looks homeless and Tony Sparano may soon be jobless, and I assume within a matter of months actually homeless. Let's face it, coachin' is all Sparano knows, and in this economy there just isn't a lot of freelance coaching work out there. So, in essence, Sparano needs to win some games down the stretch to maintain his livelihood and his family's safety. Unfortunately for the Sparanos the Chiefs have won 4 in a row, while the poorly-coached Dolphins have lost their 10 dating back to last season.

Chiefs 24-10


Atlanta @ Indianapolis

There's been some talk lately about Peyton Manning really wanting to try to play this season. This feels like when you would fake being sick to stay home from school and you'd make a half-assed effort to get ready before you finally told your mom you couldn't make it. You never did that? I did it all the time ... wait a minute I hope my mom isn't reading this, for a number of reasons really, but that confession in particular. Another problem is that the analogy only works if Manning is faking his neck injury ... hmm ... I just love stirring up controversy/making things up.

Falcons 31-13


Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

Many were shocked by the Saints loss to the Rams last week, but not me. It's become clear that the Seahawks solved New Orleans for the rest of the NFC West after beating them in the playoffs last season, and last week's game has proven it. Bottom line: the NFC West owns the Saints, they're just lucky that the Rams are the only West team on their slate this year. Now that New Orleans is back to a softer schedule they should be able to get back on their feet.

Saints 34-20


New York Jets @ Buffalo

These teams play each other twice in the next four weeks, Coincidentally, because of his terrible diet that's the same amount of times that Rex Ryan will poop in that time span. After this game the Bills play 4 of their next 5 on the road, so a win in this one would go a long way towards their playoff hopes. However, I think that the Jets will shit all over those hopes ... well, not Rex Ryan of course, but the team itself.

Jets 20-17


Seattle @ Dallas

The Hawks' last two trips to Dallas have been uninspiring at best, losing 34-9 and 38-17, the former of which ruining an Andersen Thanksgiving. So why will this time be different? Well, it's not Thanksgiving, check a calendar bro. As for the Hawks getting a win? I can't make any guarantees, clearly, seeing as how I'm 2-5 when picking them this year, but I can believe damn it. Why? Because I don't have a choice.

Seahawks 24-20


Cleveland @ Houston

It would appear that I made an error in judgment when I said that the Texans wouldn't win a game while Andre Johnson was out, they've now won two. But hey, I'm a man who can admit when he's made a mistake, like the time I overslept for a midterm or when I ran over a guy while I was driving too fast to get to a midterm on time. The point is the Texans are looking like they are officially the team to beat in the AFC South; well actually the Colts are the team to beat, seeing as how they've been beaten seven times already this season, if you're looking for a team to beat it's them!

Texans 26-13


San Francisco @ Washington

The Niners are so dominant that they're even throwing to their linemen now. These guys are so cool! Anyway, another week and another win for the boys from San Fran. 15-1 here they come!

49ers 22-7


Sunday Afternoon

Cincinnati @ Tennessee

The Bengals tacked on a couple of superfluous touchdowns at the end of their supremely impressive win in Seattle last week. I wouldn't call it running up the score, but I certainly didn't like it. Now it's up to Matthew Hasselbeck to seek vengeance. I'm sure MH was watching the game last week and was just as upset as I was, so he'll take extra pleasure in shredding Cincy's D to the tune of 16 points.

Titans 16-13


Denver @ Oakland

This game promises to be an entertaining one for fans of sloppy QB play (by the way, do not google "sloppy QB play" while at work, just trust me, QB does not stand for quarterback on most of those sites). It's quite possible that this game will come down to whoever has the ball last ... that team will lose. Seriously, these teams should just start their receivers on defense.

Raiders 27-13


New York Giants @ New England

It's a rematch of that classic game from a few years back in which the Patriots completed their perfect regular season with a thrilling 38-35 victory. I know I'll never forget where I was when I watched that game, feel free to post your own memories in the comments section. Will this one be a repeat of that timeless epic? We can only hope. But the answer is probably not, because Eli Manning could never beat Tom Brady.

Patriots 38-24


St. Louis @ Arizona

Arizona is riding a 6 game losing streak, St. Louis just snapped a 6 gamer of their own. What does this mean? It's Fox's Game of the Week!

Cardinals 19-14


Green Bay @ San Diego

Philip Rivers' snap receiving is becoming a problem, and look who's coming to town! Green Bay, the best snap defenders in the league. Rivers will be lucky to come away from this contest without a snap pick or two. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is the best in the NFL at receiving snaps and then throwing with that very same ball. The Chargers are clearly better at home (3-0, while 1-3 on the road) but why pick against the Packers right now?

Packers 30-26


Sunday Night

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

My Wacky Pick of the Week: No one will get a bruise in this game.

Steelers 21-18


Monday Night

Chicago @ Philadelphia

I honestly think that at least one of these teams has played in one of the night games every week so far, so it was only a matter of time before they ended up facing each other; it was inevitable, like a room full of monkeys being able to write Shakespeare given enough time and typewriters (this is an old hypothetical scenario that was finally proven to be true recently! Click here for the details). As for this game, the Eagles have won back to back games, meaning they are clearly as good as we all thought they were before the season. So, barring any monkey business (hold for laughter) Philly should get the win.

Eagles 31-21