LAST WEEK: 7-7
Las Vegas at Atlanta
drink out of a guitar.
Los Angeles Chargers at Buffalo
the Chargers and realizing things could be a lot worse.
New York Giants at Cincinnati
The Giants are on a roll! They’ve won 2(!) in a row, which is a monumental enough feat in its own right, but now they have a very good chance at making it 3. You see, their Week 12 opponent Cincinnati is coming off a season-ending injury. Whoops, I meant to say that the Bengals' rookie quarterback Joe Burrow suffered a season-ending injury, but in reality my Freudian slip was quite apropos (it was also bogus, because this is in writing, which means a Freudian slip is not possible). Now that Burrow is out, the Bengals may as well lose the remainder of their games and build towards 20 ... well if we’re being honest, probably 2022 based on Burrow’s injury. The good news for Cincy is that with Brandon Allen at quarterback they probably won’t have to try to lose, it’ll just come naturally. Really the best of both worlds, they don’t have to tank, and they’ll end up with a great draft pick. Well, I suppose the best of both worlds would be to win every game and still get a top 5 pick. But that's just asking too much. Unless they made a trade with the Texans that I’m not aware of, which is definitely possible.
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Carolina at Minnesota
Arizona at New England
Miami at New York Jets
The Dolphins can’t seem to figure out what they want. About a month ago they were 3-3 and decided to move to their rookie quarterback Tua Tagovailoa. He didn’t necessarily light the world on fire, but the team had won all of his starts, and was 6-3 entering last Sunday’s game in Denver. Then the offense played like garbage leading coach Brian Flores to bench Tua and reinsert Ryan Fitzpatrick. Eventually Fitz got them within striking distance before throwing a game-ending interception, which is something that could have been typed multiple times in each of the last 10 seasons. So apparently Miami, a team that seemingly had a more broad scope, is now very focused on winning as many games as possible this season. They’re trying to have their cake and eat it too. But it’s late November guys, this is a time for pie! It’s also time to choose your strategy and stick to it. Either let Tua develop while taking his licks, and maybe helping you to the playoffs. Or ride that magical Fitzpatrick train as far as it takes you, while keeping in mind that it almost certainly will not benefit your long term future. This is almost exactly how every season of the Bachelor/Bachelorette ends, and it promises to be just as entertaining. So, mildly.
Cleveland at Jacksonville
In their game against the Steelers last week the Jags tried an onside kick in the first quarter. Clearly they felt their offense was over-matched and thought maybe they could steal an extra possession. It’s not that out of the ordinary for a big underdog to attempt such a move. What was surprising was that the player who kicked the ball was wide receiver Keelan Cole! See that's is the type of nothing-to-lose, aggressively reckless attitude I’m here to see! Look, Jacksonville already guaranteed that they wouldn’t suffer the ignominy of going 0-16, they took care of that in Week 1. Now they’re free to do whatever the hell they want, and I can’t wait to see what’s next ... What’s this? They’re starting Mike Glennon at quarterback?!? It just keeps getting better! If you want some sloppy fun, look no further than Mike Glennon. Hey, that’s not just my opinion, that’s a direct quote from his Tinder profile. Don’t believe me? Hold on, let me get on my catfishing account and switch my location setting to Jacksonville, I’ll get you a screenshot soon. Standby ...
New Orleans at Denver
There’s still a lot of buzz around Saints backup quarterback Taysom Hill and whether or not the team can continue to win in Drew Brees’s absence. And sure, that’s an important question. But what I want know is: can dem Bayou boys hand the thin Denver air? Their lungs are used to that thick, swampy stuff down in New Ahhhhlinz. The defense might be coughing up gumbo by the end of the first quarter. Look folks, I’m no scientist, and I very rarely claim to be one, I just know that that sort of atmospheric change can wreak havoc on a frozen pizza, let alone an NFL player. Don’t believe me? Check the cooking instructions of your next Freschetta! Now that’s not to say that the Saints can’t, or won’t adapt, but don’t be surprised if Taysom Hill looks like this at the end of the game.
San Francisco at Los Angeles Rams
The Rams lost to the 49ers in Week 6, which makes this something of a revenge game. And it’s a lot easier to get that vengeance when the other team is left with a roster that's almost entirely backups. It’s like finally finding the man who killed you father and seeing that he’s already in a coma. Do you just put a pillow over his head? That doesn’t seem very satisfying. Are we sure he can even hear the speech you prepared? I know that they say people in comas can hear, but I don’t know, there’s a lot machines humming and beeping here, and from all the intel you’ve gathered about this guy in your quest it doesn’t seem like his hearing was that great to begin with. Oof, well this just is not how you imagined it huh? Sorry Rams, even if you get your win back here you’ll just be smothering a coma victim. Hope you’re proud of yourselves. I, for one, am not impressed. Frankly a little disgusted if you want the truth.
Kansas City at Tampa Bay
After former Bucs kicker Matt Gay beat Tampa with a late field goal on Monday he said, “You can’t write it.” Totally. Though, hold on, let me give it a shot: Kicker who no one remembers plays former team and makes two field goals of modest length to help new team win. Whoa, I think I did it! Guess it wasn’t as out of this world as Matt Gay, the guy who kicked the field goals, thought it was. I hope the Bucs won’t be too preoccupied nursing their third degree burns, because they’re facing the defending Super Bowl champs this Sunday. And this isn’t like when the ‘99 Broncos were defending their title with Brian Griese and we all just thought it was cute that they still tried. No, these Chiefs are the favorite to repeat. Well, they’re the only team that can repeat, but you get what I mean. KC is looking primed for a run to Super Bowl LV after their win over LV. And hey, by beating the Raiders they got their Kings of the AFC crown back in the process! Don’t remember what that is because it’s a fake thing I came up with and am now riding out? No problem. Guess you don’t like fun, but no, it’s no problem. From what I’ve seen of Tampa this season it seems like they need a couple big turnovers for them to win a game. I did not do the research on that, so don’t at me. Anyway, I don’t see Mahomes giving those up, so I’ll go with the Chiefs here. Now, let’s see you try to write that Matt Gay. Does anybody have his e-mail address so I can forward him the link?
Chicago at Green Bay
The Packers can step on the collective throat of the NFC North with a victory over the fading Bears. Will they do so, or does Chicago have a surprise waiting for them? A loss surprise! Let's find out what SNF analyst Cris Collinsworth thinks:
I, for one, think it's time for Chicago to see what they have in Gruntor. otherwise they should stop wasting his time and theirs'.
Seattle at Philadelphia
After a dismal performance by his quarterback in Cleveland in Week 11 Doug Pederson publicly stated that Carson Wentz would remain the Eagles’ starter. And I agree with Pederson’s decision. Sure, Wentz has been among the worst full-time starters in the NFL this season, but it’s not like Philly has some sort of exciting rookie backup to plug in for a much needed jolt to ignite their dying ember of a season. Oh that’s right, they drafted Jalen Hurts in the second round. Hmm, yeah actually that would be pretty interesting to see at this point. Then again, can the Eagles afford to take that sort of risk? They’re now slightly behind in the NFC East, and if they want to regain their playoff position and prove themselves against a possible postseason opponent, maybe it’s best to stay the course. Though, the course so far is what led them to being slightly behind in the NFC EAST! So perhaps change is needed. It's a tough decision, I don’t envy you Doug Pederson. Just kidding, you’re a Super Bowl winning coach with a trophy outside your stadium, give me your life!
Maybe Sunday or Monday or Tuesday ...
Baltimore at Pittsburgh