NFL Picks - Week 4


SEASON: 30-18



Sunday Morning


Washington at Atlanta 

Both of these teams are 1-2 with their lone win coming against the Giants. That begs the question, if the Giants aren’t present for this game how will Washington or the Falcons get a win? Maybe they’ll play to a tie, then all jump on a plane to New Orleans together, and throw pebbles at the Giants hotel window until they come out and agree to play. 


Washington 23-20

Houston at Buffalo 

I don’t give the Texans much of a shot in this game, but I believe their best chance is for back-up QB turned starter Davis Mills to change his name to Davis Bills. It could confuse Buffalo, “Hey, this guy’s one of us! Wait, why is he throwing the ball that direction?” So yeah, he could maybe steal a touchdown, but after that the Bills would probably feel so betrayed that they’d spend the rest of the game beating the shit out of him. Within the rules of course. Actually to be honest, some of it will be after the play and downright egregious. But after what Mills tried to pull the refs will look other way. 


Bills 34-17

Detroit at Chicago 

In his debut as a starter, Bears rookie quarterback Josh Fields had 68 yards passing and took 9 sacks for a loss of 67 yards. In the NFL sack yards are subtracted from team passing yards. That means the Bears has 1 yard passing last week. They passed for 3 feet. It only took Lions quarterback Jared Goff two attempts in Week 3 to top that total. Which really isn’t impressive, he only needed to complete a two yard pass and it took him two tries? We could be in for a real slopfest this Sunday, and I can’t wait! Mainly because there will be eight other games to watch, so we can just occasionally check in on this one and have a good laugh. 


Lions 24-19

Carolina at Dallas

Hey, don’t look now but this is a match-up between first place teams. I say don’t look because the Panthers are super self-conscious about their potential success, and they really don’t like people pointing out how well they’re doing. I’m like, just take the compliment guys! But I don’t know, maybe they’re afraid of pursuing their dreams for fear that they’ll fail. Or worse yet, that they’ll get everything they ever wanted and it still won’t be enough. Whoa. Damn. 


Cowboys 26-20

Indianapolis at Miami

Some quarterbacks know when a play has unraveled and choose to drop the pretense by ditching the ball at the feet of the nearest eligible receiver. For years Matt Ryan was the league’s preeminent practitioner of just such a play. Well move over Matty because Carson Wentz is the new King of the Turfball! No QB spikes it more, or with greater relish than Wentz. If I didn’t know any better I’d think the grass is his first read on most plays. It’s certainly his leading receiver at this point. If you’re watching this Sunday keep an eye out for Wentz’s turf balls and maybe even keep a running tally like I do. Take it from me, it’s one of the only ways to make the Colts offense tolerable.


Dolphins 22-20

Cleveland at Minnesota 

You want a game with top running back talent? Well look no further than this ... Oh, you don't want a game with top running back talent? Ok, what do you want? A pizza?!? That has nothing to do with what we’re talking about. No, I’m not saying I don’t want pizza, it’s just completely off topic. What are you thinking, pepperoni? And sausage and mushrooms? Well then fork over some cash jocko, I ain’t footing the entire bill for a three topping large. Besides this was your idea in the first place. 


Vikings 31-28

New York Giants at New Orleans 

Jameis Winston has only attempted 63 passes this season. So yes, he’s the Saints starting quarterback, but I think Sean Payton trusts Winston about as far as he could throw him. Which, to be clear, is not as far as Winston could throw a football. I have to imagine that Payton messes his pants every time Jameis cocks back his arm to throw it deep. Luckily for New Orleans’ coach, his team should be able to impose their will on the Giants, so he can probably leave his diaper and I.V. bags at home. Though, if he already has a diaper and I.V. bags he might as well bring them. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Which is why I wear a diaper 24/7. That and my livestream. Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, the I.V. bags are to combat his diarrhea-induced dehydration.

Saints 27-13

Tennessee at New York Jets

There are some strong contenders out there, but the Jets are probably the worst team in the league right now. No offense Jets fans ... That’s what you’ve been watching, no offense. New York has scored 20 points so far. That’s half of the team with the next fewest. They’re averaging less than a touchdown per game. Hey, that’s the same amount of touchdowns I’m averaging! The Titans don’t have the greatest defense in the league, so maybe the Jets can reach double digits in this one. Then again, they might also score negative points. I think I heard that was possible. 


Titans 30-16

Kansas City at Philadelphia 

The Chiefs are in last place. Tee hee. Enjoy it while it lasts smart ass, because you won’t be able to say that for long! Well actually, even if KC wins this game there’s no way for them to get out of last. Jeez, should the Chiefs just pack it in and build toward next year? Hmm, in a normal 16 game season I’d be tempted to say yes. But now that they have 17 games to work with I’d recommend a slightly more patient approach. Now, if they lose to the Eagles, it’s time for them to see what they can get for Mahomes. 


Chiefs 38-24

Sunday Afternoon


Arizona at Los Angeles Rams

Two undefeated teams enter, only one leaves. That’s right, the loser has to stay overnight in the stadium as punishment. But actually it could be fun. They’re going to sleep on the field and watch a movie on the Jumbotron. Either Castaway or Under Siege because those are the only two that SoFi Stadium has on hand. If the losing team wants to watch something else they’ll have to provide it themselves. I heard DeAndre Hopkins has Terminator 2 for keeps, so he’ll probably bring that just in case. Safe to say, whoever comes up short in the game will end up with an opportunity for the bonding experience of a lifetime after it. 


Rams 31-24

Seattle at San Francisco 

The Seahawks have scored 13 total points in the second half this season. Pete Carroll’s regular postgame extolling of 4th quarter importance begins with him asking his team, “Can you win the game in the first quarter?!?” Normally the answer is a resounding “No!” Though it seems like for the 2021 Seahawks the answer is “Hopefully!” "And can you win the game in the second quarter?!?” “God willing!” Seattle has had double digit leads in each of their losses, so either they need to get up by about 30 at halftime or figure out a way to be more effective late in games. Or maybe do both. Whoa! Can you imagine?!? They’d be unbeatable! 


Seahawks 28-26

Baltimore at Denver

Last week in Detroit the Ravens needed an NFL record 66 yard field goal bouncing off the cross bar to beat the Lions. Now they have to take on the undefeated Broncos. I’ve been saying for a couple weeks that Denver would get to 3-0 and we still wouldn’t know how good they are. Well, that’s about where we’re at. To be fair to the Broncos, they’ve handily defeated the dumpers on their schedule. But to be fair to the rest of us ... those teams were dumpers. I expect a dramatic contest here, especially considering Baltimore has lost in overtime, won by 1 point, and then won by 2 points in their games this season. Also, they’re not dumpers. 


Ravens 23-20

Pittsburgh at Green Bay

The Packers escaped Santa Clara with a victory Sunday night. They also escaped with millions of dollars heisted from local banks during the game. That was their ploy all along. Play a dramatic contest that would distract the area's vault guards. Didn’t you notice how the defense was always scrambling to get back on the field when the offense was done and vice versa? They’d been out robbing banks! Hopefully the feds catch onto these scallawags and arrest the whole team. Barring that though, I don’t like the Steelers' chances. Not with Been Roethlisberger at quarterback. No, that wasn’t a typo. His name is now in the past tense. 


Packers 31-16

Sunday Night


Tampa Bay at New England 

Storylines abound, as the Buccaneers’ ship runs aground. That would be a good headline if Tampa lost this game. That probably won’t happen though. But who knows? Let’s hear what Sunday Night Football’s Cris Collinsworth has to say about it

I agree with everything he said.


Buccaneers 35-17

Monday Night


Las Vegas at Los Angeles Chargers

The Raiders are riding high at 3-0, but they're also a few flaps of a butterfly’s wings away from being 1-2. These guys live on the edge, and so far they’ve gotten away with. They’re like the new Chargers, except they win these wacky games. Which reminds me, the fact that the Chargers didn't lose to the Chiefs last week after scoring an unnecessary touchdown in the final minute, missing the PAT, and giving the ball back to Mahomes may be a sign that their luck has changed. Though I won’t be shocked at all if the Raiders wins this game on a last-second defensive touchdown after Justin Herbert trips on a kneel down and fumbles. 


Chargers 27-24 


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