Both
of these teams are 1-2 with their lone win coming against the Giants.
That begs the question, if the Giants aren’t present for this game how
will Washington or the Falcons get a win? Maybe they’ll play to a tie,
then all jump on a plane to New Orleans together, and throw pebbles at
the Giants hotel window until they come out and agree to play.
Washington 23-20
Houston at Buffalo
I
don’t give the Texans much of a shot in this game, but I believe their
best chance is for back-up QB turned starter Davis Mills to change his name
to Davis Bills. It could confuse Buffalo, “Hey, this guy’s one of us!
Wait, why is he throwing the ball that direction?” So yeah, he could
maybe steal a touchdown, but after that the Bills would probably feel so
betrayed that they’d spend the rest of the game beating the shit out
of him. Within the rules of course. Actually to be honest, some of it
will be after the play and downright egregious. But after what Mills
tried to pull the refs will look other way.
Bills 34-17
Detroit at Chicago
In
his debut as a starter, Bears rookie quarterback Josh Fields had 68
yards passing and took 9 sacks for a loss of 67 yards. In the NFL sack
yards are subtracted from team passing yards. That means the Bears has 1
yard passing last week. They passed for 3 feet. It only took Lions
quarterback Jared Goff two attempts in Week 3 to top that total. Which
really isn’t impressive, he only needed to complete a two yard pass and
it took him two tries? We could be in for a real slopfest this Sunday,
and I can’t wait! Mainly because there will be eight other games to
watch, so we can just occasionally check in on this one and have a good
laugh.
Lions 24-19
Carolina at Dallas
Hey,
don’t look now but this is a match-up between first place teams. I say
don’t look because the Panthers are super self-conscious about their
potential success, and they really don’t like people pointing out how
well they’re doing. I’m like, just take the compliment guys! But I don’t
know, maybe they’re afraid of pursuing their dreams for fear that
they’ll fail. Or worse yet, that they’ll get everything they ever wanted
and it still won’t be enough. Whoa. Damn.
Cowboys 26-20
Indianapolis at Miami
Some
quarterbacks know when a play has unraveled and choose to drop the
pretense by ditching the ball at the feet of the nearest eligible
receiver. For years Matt Ryan was the league’s preeminent practitioner
of just such a play. Well move over Matty because Carson Wentz is the
new King of the Turfball! No QB spikes it more, or with greater relish
than Wentz. If I didn’t know any better I’d think the grass is his first
read on most plays. It’s certainly his leading receiver at this point.
If you’re watching this Sunday keep an eye out for Wentz’s turf balls
and maybe even keep a running tally like I do. Take it from me, it’s one
of the only ways to make the Colts offense tolerable.
Dolphins 22-20
Cleveland at Minnesota
You
want a game with top running back talent? Well look no further than
this ... Oh, you don't want a game with top running back talent? Ok, what do you want? A pizza?!? That has nothing to do with what we’re talking
about. No, I’m not saying I don’t want pizza, it’s just completely off
topic. What are you thinking, pepperoni? And sausage and mushrooms? Well
then fork over some cash jocko, I ain’t footing the entire bill for a
three topping large. Besides this was your idea in the first place.
Vikings 31-28
New York Giants at New Orleans
Jameis
Winston has only attempted 63 passes this season. So yes, he’s the
Saints starting quarterback, but I think Sean Payton trusts Winston
about as far as he could throw him. Which, to be clear, is not as far as
Winston could throw a football. I have to imagine that Payton messes
his pants every time Jameis cocks back his arm to throw it deep. Luckily
for New Orleans’ coach, his team should be able to impose their will on
the Giants, so he can probably leave his diaper and I.V. bags at home.
Though, if he already has a diaper and I.V. bags he might as well bring
them. Better safe than sorry, I always say. Which is why I wear a diaper
24/7. That and my livestream. Oh, and in case it wasn't clear, the I.V. bags are to combat his diarrhea-induced dehydration.
Saints 27-13
Tennessee at New York Jets
There
are some strong contenders out there, but the Jets are probably the
worst team in the league right now. No offense Jets fans ... That’s what
you’ve been watching, no offense. New York has scored 20 points so far.
That’s half of the team with the next fewest. They’re averaging less
than a touchdown per game. Hey, that’s the same amount of touchdowns I’m
averaging! The Titans don’t have the greatest defense in the
league, so maybe the Jets can reach double digits in this one. Then
again, they might also score negative points. I think I heard that was
possible.
Titans 30-16
Kansas City at Philadelphia
The
Chiefs are in last place. Tee hee. Enjoy it while it lasts smart ass,
because you won’t be able to say that for long! Well actually, even if
KC wins this game there’s no way for them to get out of last. Jeez, should the Chiefs just pack it in and build toward next year?
Hmm, in a normal 16 game season I’d be tempted to say yes. But now that
they have 17 games to work with I’d recommend a slightly more patient
approach. Now, if they lose to the Eagles, it’s time for them to see what they can
get for Mahomes.
Chiefs 38-24
Sunday Afternoon
Arizona at Los Angeles Rams
Two
undefeated teams enter, only one leaves. That’s right, the loser has to
stay overnight in the stadium as punishment. But actually it could be
fun. They’re going to sleep on the field and watch a movie on the
Jumbotron. Either Castaway or Under Siege because those are the only two
that SoFi Stadium has on hand. If the losing team wants to watch something
else they’ll have to provide it themselves. I heard DeAndre Hopkins has
Terminator 2 for keeps, so he’ll probably bring that just in case. Safe
to say, whoever comes up short in the game will end up with an
opportunity for the bonding experience of a lifetime after it.
Rams 31-24
Seattle at San Francisco
The
Seahawks have scored 13 total points in the second half this season.
Pete Carroll’s regular postgame extolling of 4th quarter importance
begins with him asking his team, “Can you win the game in the first
quarter?!?” Normally the answer is a resounding “No!” Though it seems
like for the 2021 Seahawks the answer is “Hopefully!” "And can you win the
game in the second quarter?!?” “God willing!” Seattle has had double
digit leads in each of their losses, so either they need to get up by
about 30 at halftime or figure out a way to be more effective late in
games. Or maybe do both. Whoa! Can you imagine?!? They’d be unbeatable!
Seahawks 28-26
Baltimore at Denver
Last
week in Detroit the Ravens needed an NFL record 66 yard field goal
bouncing off the cross bar to beat the Lions. Now they have to take on
the undefeated Broncos. I’ve been saying for a couple weeks
that Denver would get to 3-0 and we still wouldn’t know how good they
are. Well, that’s about where we’re at. To be fair to the Broncos,
they’ve handily defeated the dumpers on their schedule. But to be fair
to the rest of us ... those teams were dumpers. I expect a dramatic
contest here, especially considering Baltimore has lost in overtime, won
by 1 point, and then won by 2 points in their games this season. Also,
they’re not dumpers.
Ravens 23-20
Pittsburgh at Green Bay
The
Packers escaped Santa Clara with a victory Sunday night. They also
escaped with millions of dollars heisted from local banks during the
game. That was their ploy all along. Play a dramatic contest that would
distract the area's vault guards. Didn’t you notice how the defense was
always scrambling to get back on the field when the offense was done and
vice versa? They’d been out robbing banks! Hopefully the feds catch
onto these scallawags and arrest the whole team. Barring that though, I
don’t like the Steelers' chances. Not with Been Roethlisberger at
quarterback. No, that wasn’t a typo. His name is now in the past tense.
Packers 31-16
Sunday Night
Tampa Bay at New England
Storylines
abound, as the Buccaneers’ ship runs aground. That would be a good
headline if Tampa lost this game. That probably won’t happen though. But
who knows? Let’s hear what Sunday Night Football’s Cris Collinsworth has to say about it.
I agree with everything he said.
Buccaneers 35-17
Monday Night
Las Vegas at Los Angeles Chargers
The
Raiders are riding high at 3-0, but they're also a few flaps of a butterfly’s
wings away from being 1-2. These guys live on the edge, and so far
they’ve gotten away with. They’re like the new Chargers, except they win
these wacky games. Which reminds me, the fact that the Chargers didn't lose to the Chiefs last week after scoring an unnecessary touchdown in the final minute, missing the
PAT, and giving the ball back to Mahomes may be a sign that their luck
has changed. Though I won’t be shocked at all if the Raiders wins this
game on a last-second defensive touchdown after Justin Herbert trips on a
kneel down and fumbles.
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