NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Carolina

Taking into account the prevalence of the read option and deception in both the Panthers' game plan and Chip Kelly's new Niners offense I'm boldly predicting that this game will set an NFL record for most fake handoffs. The current record holder is the 1948 match-up between the (appropriately named) Boston Yanks and the Chicago Cardinals in which the Yanks were down to their fourth string running back Lenny "No Hands" McMillan, a man who literally had no hands. As a result, any and all handoff attempts to McMillan predictably wound up being fakes. The Cardinals wised up fairly early on and recorded 17 sacks on the day, but that didn't deter the Yanks from sticking to their game plan, leading to the still record 58 fake handoffs between both teams. But as I said before, San Francisco and Carolina have a legit chance to break that record on Sunday. If I were in the Fox graphics department I'd have a counter on the screen at all times keeping track. Will the geniuses over at the Fox Sports have the wherewithal to pull this off? Highly doubtful, but we can hope.

Panthers 27-13

Dallas @ Washington

In this storied rivalry The Cowboys lead the all-time series 66-44-2. If I were Washington coach Jay Gruden I would vow that I wouldn't leave my job until that 22 game gap was closed and the series was even. This might sound like a bold declaration, but really it's just a sneaky move by Gruden to ensure job security. Each loss to Dallas would only add time to his future tenure. It's a brilliant strategy, which means it's probably beyond Jay Gruden. With all of one game of experience under their belts I believe Dallas's rookie backfield will do enough to get the road win.

Cowboys 21-20


Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

It's the match-up of the week! Says who? Says me. Also, says the intense rivalry between these teams. And says the playoff expectations for both squads. Enough saysed. The real question going into this one is how many Bengals will wind up suspended and/or fined for something they do on the field this Sunday? I'll guess four, with two of them resulting from a play in which Antonio Brown ducks a pair of Bengals defenders who then commit a helmet-to-helmet hit on each other. This one promises to be close ... you promised guys, don't let us down.

Steelers 29-26


New Orleans @ New York Giants

Last season's meeting between these two teams resulted in a 52-49 shootout in New Orleans, and now Brees and Manning meet in New York for a gunslinging rematch. This is exactly the kind of game that Obama and Crooked Hillary don't want you to see! They want to take away your guns and consequently your gunslingers. Can you imagine a world without gunslingers? Go ahead and think for a second of a world in which Brett Favre never existed. I'll tell ya right now, that's not someplace I'd want to live. God bless the NRA for fighting for our right to watch two high powered offenses go at it.

Giants 35-32


Miami @ New England

The Patriots won without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski last week begging the question: how did they cheat this time? There's no way that win was legit. I could smell the fishiness all the way in LA. Of course, I had quite a bit of leftover cod that I had to dump down the sink earlier in the day, and I do not have a garbage disposal, so that may have had something to do with the stench. Regardless, I'm sure that Belichick had something nefarious up his sleeve, and that this was involved.

Patriots 23-18


Kansas City @ Houston

It's a rematch of January's Wild Card playoff game, and dare I say a possible playoff preview for this season? If so, that would make this the second in a trilogy. So what can we expect based on our knowledge of the second installments of film trilogies? Perhaps Alex Smith will find out it was Andy Reid who betrayed him to a rival, or maybe JJ Watt will be frozen in carbonite. I'm just excited for the third one when Brock Osweiler gets into jazz and dyes his hair black. It sure seems like the Chiefs have the Texans' number, and I'll make my pick accordingly.

Chiefs 24-20


Tennessee @ Detroit

I told ya there would be a lot of points in that Detroit/Indy game didn't I? And what happened? Only the highest scoring game of the day. So maybe next time you'll listen to good ol' Mr. Pickman. Yes, I know I incorrectly said the Lions would lose. And ok, yes, I know I went 8-8 on the week. What, do you think you could've done better? Oh you think an ape picking at random could've done better? I'd like to see some research that backs up that opin... What do you mean you have an article? Let me see that! ... Gordie the football picking chimpanzee ... yada yada ... smears his feces by the team he thinks will win ... Oh this is ridiculous! Gordie clearly doesn't know anything about football! He probably just mindlessly stares at the screen every Sunday immobile and drooling for 7 hours at a time ... Hmm ... I'm smearing with Detroit!

Lions 30-22


Baltimore @ Cleveland

Oh boy. One week in and RG3 is already out. This is the most predictable thing since sliced bread. And I know that that saying doesn't seem like it works in this scenario, but back when bread came strictly in loaves there were a lot of folks predicting that it would eventually be sliced. Of course, they should have used that idea and just sliced the bread themselves, but that's not what us prognosticators do baby! Josh McCown now takes over as the Browns starter, which seems like no worse an option than Griffin, but then again, McCown is 2-17 over the last two seasons, so ...

Ravens 31-19


Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Los Angeles

It's the first game in LA since December 24, 1994, when Dumb and Dumber ruled the box office, gas was free, and the kids were doing a new dance called the Osborn Shuffle. It was a simpler time, the crime rate was zero and no one locked their doors because they didn't have the option; doors simply didn't have locks back then. The Rams lost their opener last week 28-0 and just days later rumors began to surface that their coach Jeff Fisher would receive a contract extension. Heh, only in LA, right? If you tried to sell that as a Hollywood script they'd kick you out of the room. Not because it was too unbelievable but because it sounds like a lame movie that no one would watch.

Seahawks 20-6


Tampa Bay @ Arizona

Is it possible that the Cardinals could start the season with consecutive home losses? Mathematically speaking, yes. Is it probable? Mathematically speaking, who knows? And you see, this is where math fails us as a society. You can draw up all the formulas you want in an attempt to tell us who will win a football game, but math can't tell you how fast a man can run or how high he can jump. It can't tell you how far a man can throw a ball or when and where it will land. Yes, math has brought us many wonderful things in the past: airplanes, pizza, 1984 by George Orwell, the list goes on. But at the end of the day math ain't gonna tell me who won a football game, those numbers on that scoreboard will. And once I look long enough at that scoreboard and determine which of the two numbers is higher I'll know deep down in my heart and soul who came out on top.

Cardinals 26-20


Jacksonville @ San Diego

The Jaguars organization was quoted earlier in the week as saying that Chris Ivory was hospitalized with a "general illness." If Ivory ever embarks upon a hip hop career General Illness should be his rapper name. Not only because it sounds awesome but because I just copyrighted it, and if he makes money off of it I'm gonna be raking in the greenbacks. However, with that being said, can we trust that Ivory's hospital stay and "general illness" are above board? Who's to say that the Chris Ivory who went in to the hospital is the same Chris Ivory that came out? I'm not positing that it's a different person altogether, but it's highly likely that he was surgically altered, possibly with Wolverine style body enhancements that will make him an unstoppable force in the Jacksonville backfield. Consequently I have to go with the Jags here.

Jaguars 31-23


Atlanta @ Oakland

In response to ESPN stats & info tweeting a statistical counter argument to Jack Del Rio's decision to go for what would prove to be the game winning 2 point conversion the Raiders coach said "It's a good thing ESPN doesn't coach the Raiders." But what if ESPN did coach the Raiders? Tim Tebow would immediately be signed to play starting QB and instructed to personally deflate footballs in a bathroom before every game. Also they'd purposefully let teams make miraculous comebacks and try as many trick plays as possible. Actually, I'm talking myself into this; out with Jack in with Czarniak!

Raiders 33-25


Indianapolis @ Denver

I'm predicting that all available QBs for both teams will be injured, forcing the NFL's designated survivor Peyton Manning to play all-time quarterback; his dream come true. Unfortunately he's not what he used to be and he'll end the game with 1 TD and 7 INTs.

Broncos 23-20


Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Minnesota

Let's turn it over to the best color man in the game:

Thanks CriColl, meaningful and in depth analysis as always.

Packers 24-17


Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Chicago

After his sterling Week 1 debut against the Browns, Eagles' rookie quarterback Carson Wentz told reporters that his critics can go back from Wentz they came. He was then asked if he knew that his name and the word "whence" are not spelled the same. He said yes, but you could tell he was lying. However, a second reporter then chimed in to defend Wentz saying that the different spellings do not negatively affect the pun, and in fact, they may even heighten it. To which Wentz said, "Exactly!" while gesturing toward the initial reporter. But again, you could tell from the look on Wentz's face that he hadn't thought of that. Because that impressive Week 1 performance was against Cleveland, I'll wait until next week before I jump on the Wentz bandwagon, at whence point it may already be full.

Bears 27-21

NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

New York Jets @ Buffalo

Our first color rush game of the season and the Jets are wearing white?!? This is a result of last season's PR debacle when these two teams met in a green/red match-up that left color blind viewers miffed as to which team was which. I have a couple of problems with this. One, why bother scheduling these two to play again in a "color rush" Thursday night game? Just avoid the problem altogether. Secondly, and more importantly, when will the NFL stop capitulating to the oppressive color blind cartel? Someone needs to stand up to these monsters. They make me so mad that I see red. Then I remember that my ability to see red makes me better than those freaks and I calm down. 

Jets 20-16 

NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Years from now you'll be able to recall exactly where you were when you watched this game. You'll regale fellow party goers with your recounting of the big plays, what you were wearing, your snack of choice during the game, no detail will be omitted. Of course, I'm operating under the assumption that not only will you watch this game, but also that you have that Marilu Henner brain abnormality in which you remember every day of your life. If that's not the case then this will be a mostly forgettable contest. I expect both of these teams to hover around mediocrity, so it's fitting that they kickoff the year against each other, and that most of us don't have to pay any attention to it.

Falcons 27-23


Minnesota @ Tennessee

If he had reentered the draft this past Spring would Sam Bradford have been selected in the 1st round? Would he even have been selected in the 4th round? So why did Minnesota decide that he was worth both picks?!? Some have made the argument that the Vikings are pushing all of their chips in, making a win now move. Then why trade for a guy that's never won? I think they'll be punished for their foolishness with a humbling loss in Tennessee.

Titans 20-17


Cleveland @ Philadelphia

All indications were that the Eagles were going to bring quarterback Carson Wentz along slowly, possibly even sitting him for his entire rookie season. Well apparently they saw enough out of him in the preseason, when he was injured in his lone appearance, to anoint him as their QB1. At this point I'd pick them to lose handily to just about any team in the league. That being said, they're playing the Browns. Now I don't know what to do. (Covering my eyes as I type ...)

Browns 10-9


Cincinnati @ New York Jets

It's a match-up between two playoff contenders. Then again, you could make that statement about any game this weekend and technically be correct. Except for Cleveland/Philly, they've both been mathematically eliminated already. Ryan Fitzpatrick played hardball with the Jets regarding his contract and won because his argument was you can either pay me or let Geno Smith be your starting quarterback. At that point the Jets had no choice but to back up the Brinks truck baby! That's right, they paid him entirely in cash. Sounds cool but it's actually very inconvenient for Ryan and his family. Imagine how stressful it must be to have that much cash sitting in your house at all hours. To make matters worse the Jets made a big show of the delivery, commissioning a parade to lead the armored car through the neighborhood so that everyone would be aware of the piles and piles of loose money that are now stashed within that house. The Fitzpatricks are living a waking nightmare. Due to all the stress I expect Fitz and the Jets to be sluggish in their first outing.

Bengals 23-16


Oakland @ New Orleans

There's a whole lotta buzz surrounding the Raiders coming into this season, but a lengthy road trip and a 10am kickoff to start the schedule could be a little tough to handle. I think they may struggle as a result. Then again, I could see them easily handling a Saints team that I don't expect to be very good. So basically I think Oakland will either win or lose.

Saints 30-28


San Diego @ Kansas City

To help improve his clock management skills after his deficiencies reached critical mass in a disastrous end to the Chiefs' playoff loss Andy Reid's wife put him in charge of managing all the clocks in their house. Sources tell me that it did not go well. He forgot about daylight savings time and as a result all of his clocks are still an hour behind. Don't be surprised when Reid doesn't show up until the 2nd quarter on Sunday. KC should still be able to rally from the resulting slow start.

Chiefs 27-17


Buffalo @ Baltimore

Tyrod Taylor will return to Baltimore, where he toiled on the bench for four seasons, and triumphantly shout, "Remember me?!?" To which the Ravens fans will respond, "Oh yeah. Hey what's up?" It won't be the frightened, trembling reaction he was hoping for and it will throw him off his game for much of the day. In this toss-up that will be too big of a hole for the Bills to dig themselves out of.

Ravens 20-17


Chicago @ Houston

At this point JaDeveon Clowney's injury saga seems like a neverending story. I say that not only because maladies nag him on an annual basis, but also because he looks like Falcor.

This man's luck is draggin'. I assume he's relatively healthy for Week 1 (I haven't actually verified that), and even if he weren't I'd still go with the Texans in this one.

Texans 23-13


Green Bay @ Jacksonville

The Jags should sign Jordan Rodgers, make him a captain, and send him out for the opening coin toss. He'll stare deep into Aaron's soul, rose in hand, their lips beginning to tremble. Together they'll break down in tears and hug, walking off the field arm in arm. And who was the ref? That's right, Chris Harrison. Why? Don't overthink it. I'm expecting a lot (probably too much) from Jacksonville this season and I think it starts with them giving Green Bay all they can handle in the opener.

Packers 35-31


Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ Seattle

The Dolphins open up their season with the longest road trip possible in the NFL. And I do mean road trip. I have it on good authority that the whole team piled onto a bus and left for Seattle last week. They've been leisurely weaving their way across the country stopping at many a roadside attraction. As fun as it sounds it was really a foolish endeavor, the team has missed a lot of valuable practice time. Then again, they did get to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth along the way, so there were pros and cons (Side note: Pros and Cons would be a great title for a book about an NFL team that had a lot of off the field trouble with the law; unless it's already been used. If not I'm calling dibs). Make no mistake though, they'll be pooped by the time they get off the bus, which won't bode well for their chances.

Seahawks 27-10


New York Giants @ Dallas

Ben McAdoo does not look like an NFL coach. He looks like an opposing youth soccer coach from 1994. Like the team is from the next town over, and they're probably no different than you and the kids from your neighborhood that you play with but something just seems off, and he's the embodiment of it. Needless to say I don't have much confidence in him. But I think his squad will get by an already banged up/suspended Cowboy team.

Giants 30-22


Detroit @ Indianapolis

Do you like points? Good, because this game will have them in ... Wait did you say no? You don't like points? What's your deal man? This is so typical, I have some awesome, hyped up blurb about this game and all the sick, scoreboard bustin' action we're going to see in it and then you take a fat dump on the whole thing by saying "Nah, don't like points." And I can tell you're doing it just to be a contrarian too, that's what make me so furious! Ya know what, fine, just don't watch this game then, no skin off my knee. Or whatever, watch it. But if I even see you so much as crack a smile or pump your fist after a touchdown I'm gonna tear you a new one pal. I'll put you on blast on alllll the social medias, I'll sign up for the ones I don't have just to drag you through the mud. I can't wait, oh I can't wait to throw this back in your face.

Colts 34-31


Sunday Night

New England @ Arizona

It's the moment I think we've all been waiting for. No, not this game, the analysis from my favorite and yours, CriColl himself, Cris Collinsworth! Obviously we haven't heard anything from him over the Summer so it should be interesting to hear what he's been up to and get his insight on this match-up. Take it away CC:

Wow, not what I was expecting from such a professional, but hey we all have off months. In fact, Tom Brady is having an off month right now, which makes this an easy pick. Also, please nobody tell Cris about Romo.

Cardinals 24-14


Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Washington

Here's an interconference match up between 2015 playoff teams. Right now you're probably thinking "Oh boy, here's another dimwitted goof from a would be jokesmith." But I'm not kidding, Washington was actually a playoff team! Feel free to double check, I did. The fact that probably half of you had to look it up too should help explain why I'm not expecting very much from this group. Meanwhile, the Steelers have what should be an explosive offense despite the fact that they really like weed. As a result they'll be missing a couple pieces to start the season, but that shouldn't stop them from coming out smoking ... weed. They're just going to keep smoking weed. They'll probably have 3-5 more players suspended throughout the season. Regardless, they should be able to handle this one.

Steelers 30-23


Los Angeles @ San Francisco

Jeff Fisher's 7-9 rant from Hard Knocks sounded like Todd Parker at the end of Boogie Nights. (Clip is NSFW, unless you work at a totally badass office)

Desperate ravings of a hopeless man who knows he's beat. In other news, this game will be nationally televised and the starting quarterbacks will be Case Keenum and Blaine Gabbert. Umm.

Rams 13-10

NFL Picks - Week 1 Thursday

Carolina @ Denver 

The first game of the 2016 season is a rematch of the final game of the 2015 season. The Super Bowl. Remember? Yeah, I barely do either. It was pretty lame, let's all agree to just forget it ever happened. But I guess for the sake of argument the Broncos are defending world champions and they're starting quarterback for Week 1 is ... Trevor Siemian. Oh boy, this doesn't look promising. That's not to say that Denver had stellar quarterback play in their championship run last season, but this looks to be a whole other, worse level. We could be heading towards the biggest disaster involving a Siemian since Harambe. The Broncos should still be able to handle the lesser teams on their schedule, but Carolina is not one of those lesser teams, they're a morer team.

Panthers 17-13

2016 NFL Preview

An NFL season is a tumbling mass of combustible elements randomly crashing into each other and hurdling toward catastrophe for all but one team. Every year things happen that nobody could have predicted, things we couldn't possibly have seen coming. Or so you thought. I have seen these things, and I shall present them to you retroactively once the season is over. You're simply not ready for them right now. But I will give you a taste of what's to come.  Here are 9 seemingly outrageous events that will occur during the 2016 NFL season. Hear me now and believe me later ...

-With injuries running rampant (Teddy Bridgewater) the league will finally decide to use a Prestige style cloning system to replace fallen stars. Aaron Rodgers broke a thumb? Stick him in a water tank and bring in his duplicate. Look, if Tesla figured this technology out 100+ years ago there's no reason we shouldn't be using it now.

-The Rams will go 7-9 again. This might not seem like a surprise but Jeff Fisher swears it's not going to fucking happen ok?!? 

-Tom Brady will be suspended for the first four games ... in a cage above the field. If you read through the fine print on the terms of his suspension, which Tom clearly didn't, you'll see it there. 

-Eric Dickerson's record will be broken. Not his rushing record, but his cherished copy of Frampton Comes Alive. It will be shattered in a dusting accident. Strangely enough it will be by Adrian Peterson.

-The Browns will go undefeated, but also winless. 16 ties. Umm, I might have to rethink this one. 

-The league will be 100% concussion free, except for Ben Roethlisberger, who will suffer 22 throughout the season. Seven will come on one Sunday when he's being transported off the field and repeatedly falls off the stretcher and gets slammed into doors in a troubling, yet highly comedic fashion.

-Due to a scheduling quirk the Packers next away game after Week 2 is in Week 8. This will allow the players to spend 40 straight days in Wisconsin, which will be the most in a row for many of them. As a result a majority of the squad will develop cabin fever by the time that last game rolls around, leading to a lot of 1,000 yard stares, maniacal running, and a fear of human contact that will prove costly in a 98-0 loss to the Bears.  

-Blaine Gabbert will be the 49ers starting QB and set a career high in touchdown passes with ... 13. In related news, Blaine Gabbert's current career high in touchdown passes is 12.  

-By midseason Peyton Manning will get the itch to play again and convince Eli to swap places with him for a game. Despite the elder brother's belief that he's executing a cunning ruse it will be obvious to everyone watching that he's not Eli. He'll be outed immediately as he steps on the field and escorted out of the stadium shortly thereafter. It will be a pitiful scene and a stark reminder of the career mortality of even the most accomplished professional athletes. Inevitably the young men we cheer for today will eventually be confronted by the second halves of their lives with no goal line to run toward. Also, someone will dump a beer on Peyton's head when he's walking back through the tunnel, so that'll be pretty funny.  

These claims might all seem outlandish to you now, but did you think the Panthers would go 15-1 last season? Exaclty, so let's not rush to judgement just yet.

But now, without further delay, let's take a look at the 2016 standings according to me. This time around with visual aides! (Playoff teams in ITALICS)

AFC North

Pittsburgh:   11-5

Cincinnati:   9-7
Baltimore:   7-9
Cleveland:   2-14

AFC South
Houston:   9-6-1
Jacksonville:   9-7
Indianapolis:   8-7-1
Tennessee:   5-11

AFC East

New England:  11-5

New York Jets:  8-8

Buffalo:  8-8

Miami:  5-11

AFC West
Kansas City:    11-5
Oakland:  10-6
Denver:  8-8
San Diego:    6-10

As you can see, I'm on the Raiders bandwagon with everyone else, but I'm also cruising along on the Jags-mobile, which you might assume is a Jaguar car, but it's actually far from it. Jacksonville makes the playoffs with the help of a tie between two of their divisional foes. Elsewhere, the Patriots manage an 11-5 record even with the aforementioned Brady suspension. But they'll have to crawl their way out of the Wild Card round due to some tiebreakers that I'm just assuming will work against them because "the NFL hates the Patriots!" - Every New Englander.

NFC North
Green Bay:    12-4
Detroit:    9-7
Minnesota:   6-10
Chicago:    5-11

NFC South
Carolina:   11-5
Atlanta:     9-7
Tampa Bay:    8-8
New Orleans:   5-11

NFC East
Dallas:   9-7
New York Giants:  7-9
Washington:  6-10
Philadelphia:    4-12

NFC West
Seattle:  16-0
Arizona:   11-5
St. Louis:   7-9
San Francisco:     3-13

Looks like the Hawks will cruise again. The Cowboys will keep their head above water until Romo returns and leads them to the NFC East title in a limp division. The Jim Bob Cooter experience in Detroit continues to be fruitful, and after a late season surge in 2015, the Lions get back to the playoffs in '16.

And now, the playoffs ...

AFC Wild Card Round

Oakland over Houston
New England over Jacksonville

AFC Divisional Round

New England over Kansas City
Pittsburgh over Oakland

AFC Championship

New England over Pittsburgh

NFC

NFC Wild Card Round

Dallas over Arizona
Carolina over Detroit

NFC Divisional Round

Seattle over Dallas
Carolina over Green Bay

NFC Championship 

Seattle over Carolina

Super Bowl LI

Seattle over New England

MI-NI HEL-METS (CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP)

See ya next week with the return of the picks!

And if you'd like to pick along join this Pro Pick'em league on yahoo:

League ID: 27697

Password: picks

Retirement Announcement

As I'm sure you're aware there has been a recent spate of retirements in the NFL. Peyton Manning, Charles Woodson, Justin Tuck, Jared Allen, and, most recently, legendary quarterback Matthew Hasselbeck have all called it quits after long, illustrious careers. But the two retirements that really stood out to me were  those of Marshawn Lynch and Calvin Johnson, 29 and 30 years old, respectively. With the violent nature of the game and the increasing awareness of concussions and their effect on the brain it's no surprise that we're seeing more and more players end their careers while still at a young age. Having recently turned 30 myself this has weighed heavily on my thoughts. It's with this in mind that I formally announce my retirement from the NFL.

To be clear, this does not mean that I will stop watching the NFL, writing about it, or attending games. No, it simply means that my playing career is over. Unfortunately, in a way it never truly began. I recorded the following "audition" tape of sorts in 2008 and mailed it to all 32 teams prior to each of the last 8 seasons:

Somewhat surprisingly I didn't get an overwhelming response. In fact, the only team I heard back from was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but after we were unable to come to an agreement on accommodations I was forced to cancel my trip. I mean, I don't think a fully comped minibar and a 2-day pass to Busch Gardens is too much to ask, but I guess some folks just do business differently. Since then the waters have dried up and with every passing year it becomes clearer and clearer that my best days are behind me.

I did not come to this decision easily. There have been plenty of sleepless nights (mostly related to my crippling fear of potential nightmares and not my impending career decision) and phone calls at all hours to family members who mostly told me to "get lost" and said with stunning regularity that they didn't care either way because they knew I would never play professional football in any capacity. It was clear from day one that they never believed in my dream. Well I guess I showed them ... that they were right.

Will I miss the game? Of course. On second thought, since I never actually played, I guess I technically can't miss it. What I will miss is watching a play on TV and saying, "You know when I'm in the league I'll make that catch." From now on I'll only be able to say things like, "You know if I had ever played in the league I would have made that catch." Not all is lost though. I'm actually looking forward to the next stage in my life. My retirement will free me up to spend time focusing on the most important things in my life: my wife and kids. I have neither, but now I have time to focus on finding a wife and subsequently having said children.

I just want to close by saying thank you to everyone out there who believed in me, you know who you are. I don't, because nobody ever told me that personally, but I'm confident you're out there. God bless you, God bless football, and God bless this mess (My apartment is seriously dirty; I'll probably take care of that before the wife and kids thing).

Super Bowl 50

When it comes to the final game of the season, and the Seahawks aren't involved, I like to take a look at past Super Bowl stats and trends in an effort to glean some clues as to what might happen this year. That way I don't have to concentrate on the fact that the Seahawks aren't playing. So let's explore some highly pertinent info heading into Sunday's match-up.

We'll get started with this season's greatest running theme, my NOT Super Bowl gimmick! This was NOT Super Bowl XL. Ten years ago Denver lost the AFC Championship game at home to the Steelers 34-17 while Carolina lost the NFC Title game in Seattle 34-14. Not that either team was close to actually winning that day, but still, America was within range of a double Jake Super Bowl: Plummer vs. Delhomme. Which also means America was within range of imploding. Needless to say, I think things worked out for the better. Let's move on.

There was a stretch of 19 Super Bowls (XXIX-XLVII) with only one match-up of the conferences' top seeds. This year makes three Super Bowls in a row in which it is a 1 vs. 1 match-up. What does that mean for this game? Probably nothing ... Probably.

"Road" teams have won the last four Super Bowls, and eight of the last nine. In Super Bowl 50 the Panthers will be the designated road team, but the Broncos will be wearing their road uniforms. What does this mean in regards to the outcome on Sunday? Probably nothing ... but perhaps everything.

12-4 is the most common regular season record for Super Bowl winners, 10 past champs in all. The Broncos record this season was 12-4. Does that mean they'll be number 11? Perhaps ... then again, perhaps not.

Since the NFL was realigned into its current 8 division format in 2002, this is the second Super Bowl match-up between the NFC South and the AFC West. The first was Super Bowl XXXVII, which the Buccaneers won 48-21 over the Raiders. Does this mean the NFC South squad will win in another blowout this time around? Could very well be ... Then again, it could not so well be.

Before we get to my final analysis, let's hear from the best in the biz, your favorite and mine, CriColl himself Cris Collinsworth:

Beautiful, if not ridiculous, CriColl. Obviously Peyton Manning has been one of the two most talked about players in the weeks leading up to this game, with many wondering if he'll ride off into the sunset. For his sake, I hope he doesn't, because sunset in Santa Clara will be around 5:30p, which will most likely be sometime near the start of the 3rd quarter, meaning, if anything, he'd be riding off into the sunset on an injury cart. Unfortunately for him, I think that scenario is more likely than him retiring as Super Bowl champion. The Denver D will probably keep the Broncos in the game for a half or so, but eventually their lack of offensive firepower will catch up with them and Carolina will pull away, and I'll feel sick ... That will probably be from overeating, not the game, but it will be true nonetheless. 

Panthers 24-10

P.S. I'll probably be posting in the offseason, so be sure to check the blog every half hour or so to see what's new.

NFL Picks - Conference Championships

AFC Championship

New England @ Denver

Unfortunately for America, and readers of this blog, Cris Collinsworth has called his last game this season. And while I've been assured that he will return to break down the Super Bowl for us, he has decided to take this week off. In another stroke of bad luck, I was informed of a contractual obligation that I had unwittingly made to a past guest of this site. Basically I was left with no choice, so let's just get this over with. Ladies and gentlemen here is my (mandated) Q&A session with the color commentator for this game, Phil Simms:

Sorry about the misunderstanding there Phil. I'd say that I'll make it up to you next time, but I can't imagine there will ever be a next time. Then again, I didn't read that contract, so who knows what else I'll be forced into. As for this game, I'm going to guess that Brady will throw about 50 passes and New England will win.

Patriots 24-20

NFC Championship

Arizona @ Carolina

I have no interest in writing about this game, so I won't. In lieu of actual analysis please enjoy this excerpt from a TV pilot I wrote entitled Rogue Blogger ...

INT., HOME OFFICE, DUSK:

Derek Hendersen sits at his desk, it is littered with writing awards. He stares forlornly at a framed picture of a beautiful woman. She's a 9, at least. Derek's assistant Gerald enters.

                                                           GERALD
                             I just got off the phone with the President, he said your
                             picks won him $6,000 this week. He can finally buy that rug.

                                                            DEREK
                             Good for him.

                                                          GERALD
                            How can you be so glum? You just nailed another week;
                            you haven't been wrong on one game yet this season.
                           You've won every major writing award in the biz, most of
                            them twice.

                                                           DEREK
                            You want 'em? Take 'em.

DEREK waves his hand at those writing awards that I mentioned earlier.

                                                         GERALD
                            Really?

GERALD starts to reach for the nearest award. before DEREK moves it away.

                           

                                                         DEREK

                            No.

                           

                                                        GERALD

                           What level of professional success will make you happy?

                           

                                                        DEREK

                            I'll never quit until she notices.

DEREK touches the aforementioned picture, so we definitely know who he's talking about.

                           

                                                       DEREK (cont.)

                            I have to get her back, and the only way I know how
                            is by picking the scores of NFL games. None of the
                            other accolades matter. Don't you get it Gerald?

                          

                                                      GERALD

                           Actually it's Arthur now. I had it changed this morning.

                           

                                                       DEREK

                           Really, why?

                           

                                                     ARTHUR

                           You're not the only one with a past ...

                           

                                                       DEREK

                           Hmm, that sounds like something interesting that
                           could be explored in the weeks and months to come.
                          You're not as one-dimensional as somebody might have
                           thought upon their first reading ... of you.

ARTHUR nods and the two sit in silence for a moment really soaking it in because there's a lot of pathos involved.
                            

                                                     ARTHUR

                           So what now then? What are you going to do in the
                          meantime until she wises up and realizes what a catch
                          you are both in terms of looks and personality?

                          

                                                      DEREK

                          The same thing I always do ... Pick some fucking games.

(SLAM CUT TO OPENING CREDITS)

*NOTE: "fucking" can be taken out if this ends up being bought by a network.

Cardinals 23-20

NFL Picks - Divisonal Round

Before we get to the picks for this week I wanted to touch on a couple of factoids that I find pretty interesting. If you don't think you'll feel the same you can simply skip down to the games, but I'd really appreciate it if you didn't. I mean, we've come this far together, the least you could do is trust me when I need you most ... Anyway, as you may have heard, four of the eight remaining starting quarterbacks were #1 overall draft picks, but it's also worth noting that the other four are all Super Bowl winners. So clearly, the pedigree of these signal-callers is high. Another seemingly coincidental tidbit plays directly into the NFL's year-long celebration of Super Bowl history. Rematches of the big game have been highlighted throughout the season, and the odds that we see a Super Bowl repeat in number 50 are pretty good. In fact, of the 16 possible Super Bowl match-ups, nine of them would be rematches of past title games. Not only that, but every remaining team has at least one past Super Bowl opponent left in the field. Fascinating stuff, right?!? Why are you making that face? Fine, I'll move on.

Saturday

Kansas City @ New England

When last these squadrons met, the Chiefs decimated the Patriots 41-14, a final tally that had some calling for Jimmy Garoppolo to replace Tom Brady as New England's starting quarterback; and for once it wasn't just Garoppolo via Bill Belichick's suggestion box (Really just a paper shredder that Belichick sarcastically referred to once as a "suggestion box." Garoppolo has been submitting his two cents to it multiple times a week for over two years now). As we all know now, the Patriots' 2014 season took a turn for the better after the throttling in Kansas City, but perhaps there are lessons we can learn from that contest. Then again, perhaps not. I don't have a copy of the game handy, so who knows? If I had to guess about this one (and I do, that's mostly the point here) I'd say that a healthy-ish New England team will be the ones that finally stop the Chiefs' impressive winning streak.

Patriots 27-17  


Green Bay @ Arizona

This is NBC's final broadcast of the season, meaning it's the last time we'll get the privilege of hearing Cris Collinsworth on the mic until August. But fear not, he's here with us right now to break down this interesting match-up:

Hmm, seems like CriColl got a bit off topic by the end there, but I tend to agree with him. While there may be some early rust for the Cardinals, I think they'll overcome whatever the resulting deficit is and get the win.

Cardinals 31-24


Sunday

Seattle @ Carolina

After dominating the Vikings last Sunday, the Seahawks move on to a Divisional Round game on the road, a scenario that has been the bane of this franchise's recent existence. Since 2003, when Seattle started making the playoffs with regularity, their playoff record is 12-8. Over that same stretch, their record in Divisional Round games on the road is 0-4. So, not great. But that was then, this is now (a phrase that you can use in any non-time travel situation with absolute certainty) and since Russell Wilson has been quarterback the Seahawks have only played in one such game, an agonizingly close loss to the Falcons in which Wilson piloted a 21 point fourth quarter comeback to take the lead with less than a minute left. In other words, the challenge before Seattle does not seem as insurmountable as it may have in the past. Now, is beating a 15-1 Panthers team who hasn't lost a home game all season going to be easy? Probably not. But I don't think it will take a miracle, or pixie dust, or some sort of magical ointment either. Although, the magical ointment couldn't hurt. I'm not saying you have to use a ton; in this case, a little dab'll do ya.

Seahawks 23-16  


Pittsburgh @ Denver

This is a tough one to pick because of all the unknowns going in. Will Ben Roethlisberger play? If so, how effective will he be? What type of performance will we see from Peyton Manning? Who really shot Kennedy? Why did The General used to have a penguin with him in those car insurance commercials?  Look, not all of my questions have to do with this game in particular, but the ones that do are extremely pertinent to the outcome. I get the feeling that Roethlisberger will play, but his performance will be hampered by his injured shoulder and the Broncos' top-notch defense. As for Manning, he won't be great, but he won't have to be.

Broncos 20-17

 

NFL Picks - Wild Card Round

Saturday

Kansas City @ Houston

These teams met all the way back in Week 1. I like to imagine that at the coin toss before this game one team's captain will look at the other's and say, "We started this thing together, might as well finish it together." Then they'll grasp hands Predator style, oblivious to the fact the verbiage of that sentence means that they've just unwittingly agreed to end both of their seasons. I mean "finish it together"? What were you guys thinking? The ref would have no choice but to cancel the whole game at that point. So, hopefully they don't say that, as cool as it might initially sound. Really it wouldn't make much sense for either team to forfeit considering how well they've been playing over the last few months. The Chiefs have won 10 in a row, while the Texans have won 7 of their last 9 with a quarterback cavalcade. It's a shame that the run has to end for someone here, but as I already stated, in all likelihood it will for one team, and only one team. I'll go with Kansas City because, well, I think they're better.

Chiefs 20-16


Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

Another year, and another Wild Card game for the Bengals, their fifth straight. And, as I'm sure you're aware, Cincinnati has lost in the each of those first round games the previous four seasons, unless, of course, you've been living under a rock. And if that's the case, please come inside, I have blankets and hot cocoa for you. Just sit right down and we'll call your family, they're probably very worried. Can I get you anything to eat? I have a few different types of soup; do you have a preference? Hell, anything that doesn't have worms in it would probably be fine for you at this point, right? I'm sorry, that joke was terribly crass. I in no way was trying to make light of your former predicament. Let's change the subject. Playoff pariah Andy Dalton will likely be unable to start for the Bengals, leaving them with AJ McCarron under center. Of course, the perfect scenario would be McCarron establishing a lead for Cincinnati before an injury forces him to exit the game, and Dalton to enter. You can probably guess what happens next, Dalton and the Bengals collapse and the city of Cincinnati collectively boos for the next eight months. A time during which Andy Dalton will wish he could just crawl under a rock and die ... Oh my God, I'm so sorry, it just slipped out.

Steelers 24-17


Sunday

Seattle @ Minnesota

Before we get to my thoughts on this game let's get some insight from the man who will call it for NBC, the unrivaled Cris Collinsworth:

CriColl wasn't lying about that Freezer Bowl, in fact, Sunday will be its 34th anniversary. Here's the full info. The weather and the reequipped Vikings defense should make this game closer than the last time the Seahawks traveled to Minnesota. However, it would take a cold day in hell, not a sub-zero day in Minneapolis, for me to pick against Seattle.

Seahawks 27-16


Green Bay @ Washington

I've heard multiple NFL pundits debate this week over whether they'd rather have Aaron Rodgers or Kirk Cousins as their starting quarterback right now. The answer is Aaron Rodgers. Anybody who says otherwise is just a contrarian or Cousins' parents (note: in this case "Cousins' parents" does not refer to your aunt and uncle). Now, who's team would I rather have right now? That's the debatable issue. The Packers are clearly in a bit of a funk as they enter the playoffs without the NFC North title to their name for the first time since 2010. Of course, they won the Super Bowl that season, so this may not be the worst situation for them to be in. Meanwhile, Washington has won four in a row and boasts an impressive 6-2 home record. However, a closer look at their schedule reveals that they're 0-2 against playoff teams. It's not so much the fact that they lost both of those games, it's that they only played in two of them. Conversely, the Packers are 3-4 in such contests this season. I think Green Bay's difficult schedule and recent playoff participation will provide the experience necessary for them to edge the home team.

Packers 26-23

NFL Picks - Week 17

I realize that due to the fact that it's New Year's Day some, most, or all of you are reading this through a bleary-eyed hangover. Not to worry, just press play on any or all of the following yacht rock jams, and let it be the soothing soundtrack to your reading experience. By the time you're done the calming tunes will have washed you ashore on the beach of an island upon which alcohol-induced dehydration is merely a myth.

Sunday Morning

New York Jets @ Buffalo

Bills coach Rex Ryan will be attempting to keep his former team out of the playoffs in this one. Perhaps he's planning on doing it by simply filling up the doorway to the postseason with his body. Wait, he's not even that big anymore. Gastric bypass surgery has ruined yet another joke. One thing's for sure, Jets fans wouldn't be able to stomach a loss; it would eat away at them for the entire offseason. But I don't believe that New York will choke.

Jets 23-20

New England @ Miami

Is it possible that the Patriots intentionally lost to the Jets last Sunday to help keep the Steelers out of the postseason? They really don't want to see them in the playoffs. That's taking it to a whole other level. Of course, this theory is being purported by New England apologists who would rather not just face the fact that they lost, in part, because Bill Belichick decided to kick off in overtime. Seems like he out-thought himself on that one; it makes one wonder if he'd try the same thing in a playoff game should that situation arise. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure that that's exactly what happens. Don't ask how. Even if I explained my methods to you you probably wouldn't understand.

Patriots 30-19

New Orleans @ Atlanta

The Falcons have managed to win consecutive games, but it's too late, there is no longer any chance of them nabbing an NFC wild card. They're like a student who's desperately trying to do enough make-up work so that he can graduate high school. Sorry kid, you're stuck here for another year. And guess what, the junior class chicks are nowhere near as hot as your graduating class. Bummer!

Falcons 34-31

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

With their loss last week the Bengals have positioned themselves as the likely #3 seed in the AFC, which would result in perhaps the tensest first round home playoff crowd in recent memory. Not only has Cincinnati lost in the Wild Card round the last four seasons, they also got bounced in the same spot after '05 and '09. By the way, that '09 loss was to the Jets, a possible Wild Card opponent this season. It should be uncomfortably fun to watch no matter what happens.

Bengals 24-14

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

The Steelers may have blown their chance at the playoffs in a lackluster loss to the Ravens. Sorry, 'lackluster' may not be a strong enough adjective, let's go with 'unconscionable.' It just doesn't make any sense, there's no rhyme or reason to it. If you wanted to make the argument that the universe is a series of random events, that would be the game to point to. In fact, I'm pretty sure it was directed by the Coen brothers. I expect Pittsburgh to come out and get the win this Sunday, but then again, expectations are only a taunting mistress, existing only to inherently disappoint.

Steelers 33-17  

Jacksonville @ Houston

One of the most interesting subplots of the Jaguars' season has been the predictable and satisfying weight gain of former Jacksonville running back Maurice Jones-Drew. He pops up every so often on the NFL Network, and each time I see him he's heavier than before. Let me be clear here, I'm not attempting to body shame MJD, I'm just saying that I thoroughly enjoy when a former pro athlete who's been through years of rigorous workouts and stringent dieting retires, says "Eff all that," and proceeds to eat and relax with great enthusiasm. Kudos to you MJD ... as in the candy bar ... go grab yourself a Kudos.

Texans 24-20

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

It's possible that Stephen Morris, Ryan Lindley, or Josh Freeman will start at quarterback for the Colts. This is such a ridiculous predicament that the jokes practically write themselves ... Umm ... Uhh ... Ok, I guess the jokes aren't writing themselves. Let's move on. Unbelievably, with one game left in the season Indianapolis has a chance to win the AFC South with, to use a stat normally reserved for baseball, a magic number of 7 ... Or maybe even higher, the various permutations get pretty confusing. All I know is that many things have to happen for the Colts to get to the playoffs, and it begins with the Titans rolling over in an effort to maintain their #1 pick in the 2016 draft.

Colts 9-6 

Washington @ Dallas

In one of the more hilarious plays I can remember, Kirk Cousins performed a kneel down with no timeouts and a clock ticking under :10 in the first half of Saturday's win over the Eagles. He clearly wanted to spike the ball but had a momentary lapse in judgment, or awareness, or motor skills. No matter what the impetus was, I'm thrilled that it happened and thankful that I was able to witness it. I'm now left to wonder what would have happened if someone had told Cousins to spike the punch at the team Christmas party. I'm not sure either team will care about winning this game, which should make it extremely enjoyable.

Cowboys 17-16

Philadelphia @ New York Giants

Chip Kelly was fired as the Eagles coach and general manager this week. My question is, was he fired from both positions at the same time? What I'm getting at is did Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie make Chip the GM fire Chip the coach? And what exactly would that have looked like? Personally I would have just done it by e-mail to avoid confrontation.

Giants 31-17

Detroit @ Chicago

These are two of the six NFC teams that are currently 6-9. What a bunch of juvenile jokesters. Clearly they saw the direction their seasons were going and they all thought it would just be soooo hilarious wind up at 6-9 heading into the final week of the season. Maybe they didn't take into account what would happen if a little boy had to ask his father why he was laughing when they were reading the NFL standings together. Still think it's funny NFC teams?!? Me too! Great gag guys! If nothing else it just promotes sexual education.

Lions 24-19

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Even Cam Newton would have to admit that the Panthers' effort last week was pretty drab ... I'm losing steam folks! But hey, aren't we all? We're at Week 17 after all. It's been a long season of drinking, eating poorly, screaming at TVs and people, and punching stuff ... You all did that too, right?

Panthers 27-17

Oakland @ Kansas City

Thanks to the aforementioned Carolina loss last Sunday, this game now features the hottest team in the NFL. Sorry Derek Carr, I meant in terms of winning streaks, not attractiveness. Besides, you wear too much mascara bro, it looks desperate. The Chiefs still have a shot at winning the AFC West, so look for them to be all systems go en route to their 10th straight victory.

Chiefs 27-17

San Diego @ Denver

The Al Jazeera report regarding Peyton Manning and HGH seems scandalous and possibly damning, but I tend to believe that the drugs were actually being used by Manning's wife. The reason I believe that is because of another tidbit that came out this week: during his rehab in 2011 Peyton Manning regularly watched Hoda and Kathie Lee on The Today Show. So it's clear that a few years ago the Mannings were doing attempting a gender swap. Mrs. Manning was beefing up while Peyton was doing the most feminine thing he could think of. I'm not even going to begin to imagine what might have been happening in their bedroom, but I'm willing to bet that their safe word was "Omaha."

Broncos 21-13

St. Louis @ San Francisco

With a win over the 49ers, the Rams would finish 5-1 against the NFC West this season. It's an impressive feat that the St. Louis players will be able to tell everybody about at their various playoff viewing parties. To which the other guests will reply, "You already told us that five times. Also, what's your name? Like who are you here with?" Man, that's going to be pretty embarrassing for those guys.

Rams 22-16

Seattle @ Arizona

The Cardinals clinched the NFC West a couple of weeks ago, rendering this contest merely about playoff seeding. However, I believe the Seahawks should attempt an age old pro wrestling tactic and challenge the Cardinals to put their title on the line right here, right now! C'mon, 'Zona, you say you're the champ, why not prove it in the ring (field)?!? Afraid you'll lose? After hearing that the Cardinals would be left with little choice but to make this a title match.

Seahawks 27-23 

Sunday Night

Minnesota @ Green Bay

It's the NFC North championship game, and here once again to break it down for us, I'm proud to say, is Cris Collinsworth:

Bold pick CriColl, but I know better than to go against you. You're so smart. Never leave us again. I don't know what we'd do ... Ahhumm, uh anyway, yeah I'll go with Minnesota as well.

Vikings 23-20