By now you’ve probably seen the clip of Philip Rivers feebly attempting to thwart a pick six in the Colts’ Week 9 loss to the Ravens. And if you haven’t, well here it is, and it’s hilarious. But while we all have a good chuckle, there’s one man who’s not laughing right now, and that’s Philip Rivers. Actually there are two men who aren’t laughing right now. The other one is this guy Todd who leaves a comment on every one of my posts to tell me that it wasn’t funny. So why do you keep reading them Todd?!? Just leave me alone! Jeez, I think I know how Rivers feels. From what I hear, Phil is making sure he isn’t subject to such ridicule in the future. During practice this week he’s been taking reps with the linebackers to improve his tackling ability. Unfortunately it has not gone well. Rivers has been steamrolled by every one of the Colts running backs, and a few members of the staff. Not coaches though, like equipment managers. Apparently it’s mostly been like that montage from Rudy where Rudy just keeps getting totaled. Of course, Phil should probably just stick to QB work considering first place in the AFC South is on the line here, but Rivers is nothing if not a realist. He knows he’ll throw a horrible interception again, he’s just trying to make sure he’s ready to ensure it’s not a pick six this time. Now, is any of that story true? No, it’s just a goof, deal with it Todd! Gahh, Stop ragging on me Todd! Todd!
After the Falcons’ second win of the season last Thursday Matt Ryan said his team could win out and make it to the playoffs. Well of course you could, but you most certainly won’t. C’mon man, you’re the Falcons! Haven’t you seen your team play? Just because you managed to hold on to leads in two of your last three games doesn’t make you competent all of a sudden. If anything it means you’re due for a hilarious collapse this week. Though, last year Atlanta did start 1-7 before going 6-2 in the second half of the season. Hey, if they repeated that they’d up at 8-8 ... and still miss the playoffs. So sure, go ahead and play yourself out of a high draft pick Matt Ryan, see what the rest of the league cares. Also, how wild is it that the Broncos get to play the Chargers and Falcons in consecutive weeks? It must be like the football equivalent of taking LSD. The doors to the universe have unlocked, the possibilities are endless! And that’s coming from a man who has never played professional football or done LSD, so you know it’s accurate.
Falcons 32-29
Seattle at Buffalo
The Seahawks have forced 14 turnovers so far this season. The results? On one occasion the ensuing drive resulted in an interception. Twice Seattle knelt to end the game. The other 11 times they scored a touchdown. So from what I can gather, the best strategy for the Bills would be to not just give the Seahawks the ball. Well that’s obvious, you say? Then how do you explain this: Buffalo has committed 11 turnovers this season! If it’s so obvious they shouldn’t do that, then why have they done it 1.375 times per game? Sorry, but I had to burn ya on that one, you left me no choice. On a separate note, this is the first time the Seahawks have played in Buffalo since 2008 (these teams had a game in Toronto in 2012), and only the fourth time in the history of the franchise. You’re probably thinking that’s not very pertinent to this particular game. Fair. Then again, you’re also the person who said that stupid thing about turnovers earlier, so what do you know?
Seahawks 30-23
Chicago at Tennessee
After great starts, both of these teams have lost two in a row. Are these merely bumps in the road or a sign of things to come? Couldn’t they be both? After all, sometimes “Bumps” are what are on signs of things to come. One of these squads will, at least temporarily, right the ship this Sunday. It should be an interesting dynamic when Chicago has the ball considering the Bears’ offense and Titans’ defense are equally as inept. I imagine most of the drives will resemble when you start to walk through a door at the same time as a stranger and both encourage the other to go first out of politeness. Please, go ahead. No I couldn’t possibly, you first. I insist. So if that kind of dynamic is what you’re looking for in a football game, tune in!
Titans 27-20
Baltimore at Indianapolis
The Colts are looking solid at 5-2, but they should be. The combined record of their opponents thus far has been: 18-34-1 (16-29-1 if you remove Indy's impact). The record of their next four opponents is 20-8. And, in fact, all of those teams are also 5-2, each one of them Indy’s equal. Though the Ravens and Colts can’t be considered exactly the same, if only because of their quarterbacks. Imagine trying to explain to an alien that Lamar Jackson and Philip Rivers play the same position. Their response would probably be something like, “He has how many kids?!?” 9, but that’s not the point, I want you to focus on how different their styles of play are. “On our planet we asexually reproduce minutes before death. It’s a completely sustainable process.” That’s actually very interesting, and I’d like to hear more about that later, but what I’m trying to convey is “Why would a being require 9 offspring? Wouldn’t they consume a disproportionate amount of resources?” Yeah, look I’m not saying it’s normal, but it’s beside the point. “Do humans have prophylactics? If so, why has this man not used them?” Yes we do ... Hey wait, didn’t you say your species reproduces asexually? How do you even know about condoms? “If I had eyebrows I’d be raising them at you right now.” Alright, that’s enough.
Ravens 23-18
Carolina at Kansas City
Hoo daddy, it’s a battle of the barbecues! That’s right, two of America’s BBQ Meccas go head to head in a throw down to decide which style reigns supreme. Fittingly, when the Panthers have the ball it will be caked in a dry rub, while the Chiefs will have it slathered in sauce. Now you’d think that KC may have a disadvantage there, due to slipperiness, however, I’d also argue that the Carolina rub may create a dusty effect that could blind receivers upon impact with their hands. It remains to be seen just how it will play out since we have no precedent for this in NFL history. And actually the league insisted that this very game won't be played with BBQ balls when I called their offices and suggested it every day for the last month. Will they come to their senses in time for kickoff? We can only hope. As for who wins this game, I’ll obviously go with Kansas City, because ironically, their offense is anything but low and slow.
Chiefs 34-24
Detroit at Minnesota
It seems that after struggling for much of the season the Vikings have finally rediscovered their winning formula: Don’t let Kirk Cousins throw the ball. The Minnesota QB passed only 14 times in their Week 8 win over Green Bay. Simple mathematics will tell you that if one attempts fewer passes there are fewer opportunities to throw an interception. It’s a keen strategy that I employ myself. And I’ve never thrown an NFL interception in my life. That’s tied for the all-time record low. Now, passing so infrequently in today’s NFL isn’t easy to achieve. A team needs a dominant run game and a complete lack of confidence in their quarterback. The Vikings check both boxes. With the 23rd ranked Lions run D coming to town look for more of the same from Minnesota. Which means Cousins will continue to collect somewhere in the neighborhood of the $131,000 per pass attempt that he did last week. Keep that arm rested buddy! Not sure for what, but stay cool.
Vikings 27-24
New York Giants at Washington
Yes! These teams played 3 weeks ago in a 1 point thriller, and ever since I (and much of the nation) have been eagerly awaiting the rematch. I didn’t realize we’d be getting it so soon! I’m almost not fully prepared. In all seriousness though, the Giants’ recent games have been nothing if not dramatic. Their last four contests have been decided by the following margins: 3, 1, 1, and 2. Unfortunately for them they’ve only managed to win one of those. After watching some of their action I think I know what’s keeping them from getting over the hump: Daniel Jones’s self-confidence. And by that I mean he has too much. The throws that Jones attempts under pressure suggest that he zero belief in his own limitations, and also a poor understanding of physics. For every good pass there is an ill-advised, horrible heave that is inevitably intercepted. Alas, it appears that until young Jones learns he’s not great he won’t be able to be good.
Giants 20-17
Houston at Jacksonville
The Texans are the rare lousy team with no reason to tank, simply because they don’t have any draft picks to tank for. As of right now Houston won’t make a selection until the 3rd round in the 2021 draft. Their continued futility only benefits the Dolphins (who have their picks) at this point. The Jaguars, on the other hand, have lots to lose for. And with the news that they’ll be starting Jake Luton at quarterback it appears they’re ready to do so in earnest. To be fair, Jacksonville starter Gardner Minshew is hurt, but I don’t get the feeling that the Jags are too broken up about having to throw a rookie into the fire. Unfortunately, in doing so they passed over one my personal favorites Mike Glennon. And again, the main reason I like Mike Glennon is because it’s fun to say his name to the tune of the “By Mennen” jingle. Who knows, we may see him before too long, or Jake Luton could throw a wrench into both teams’ plans and actually beat Houston. Just as likely though is Jake Luton throwing an actual wrench instead of a football in some sort of strange equipment mix-up.
Texans 31-16
Sunday Afternoon
Las Vegas at Los Angeles Chargers
The Chargers have blown leads of 16 points or more in four straight games. They did manage to hang on and win one of those, but this begs the question: what happens if LA scores a touchdown to go up 15 points in this game? Do they simply take a knee on the PAT and refuse to go up 16? Perhaps I’m reading too much into the specific number, but I know that if I were on the Chargers and saw we were ahead by 16 this week I’d start to sweat. You’re probably thinking, “Wouldn’t you already be sweating since you’re a pro football player in this hypothetical?” Nope! I don’t get any playing time so I’m dry as a bone. Joke’s on you smart guy. At a certain point you have to imagine that the Chargers will turn these big leads into wins with greater regularity. But then again, they’re the Chargers, so it’s unwise to assume anything. Nevertheless, I have charged myself with the humble task of prognostication, and so I must do the impossible every week and try to predict how their games will play out. Here goes nothing ...
Raiders 35-33
Pittsburgh at Dallas
The Cowboys are still deciding on whether to start Garrett Gilbert or Cooper Rush at quarterback in this game. Either way it will be the 4th starting quarterback Dallas has used this season. That puts them on pace to have 7.1 different starting QBs this season. You figure whoever doesn’t get the nod this week will sometime soon, so that’s the 5th. Then the Cowboys will inevitably suffer more injuries or subpar play and need to sign a couple more free agents to fill in. I’m thinking Brandon Weeden and Neil O’Donnell. And then for the last game they’ll just wheel out a JUGS machine, which will account for that .1 I mentioned earlier. As if their predicament wasn’t daunting enough, Dallas now welcomes in the 8-0 Steelers. Whoops, they’re only 7-0 right now. Forgive me for already counting this as a win for them, but c’mon.
Steelers 35-6
Miami at Arizona
In the first half of their Week 8 win over the Rams the Dolphins had 54 total yards of offense and 28 points. That’s just about 2 yards per point. Talk about efficiency! Then in the second half they added 91 yards but 0 points. That’s infinity yards per point. Hmm, not nearly as efficient. But hey, they still got the win, and that’s all that matters. Still though, you’d hope they could muster more than 145 yards. I mean I once saw a guy run for more than that on one play. Impossible you say? Nuh uh! His name was Ronald “Whoopsie” West; he took a handoff on his own 20 ran all the way down the field, got turned around near the goal line, mistakenly thought he was running the wrong way, and started sprinting back to the other side of the field, dodging tackle attempts from his teammates on his way into his own end zone. What’s the point of this made up story? Umm, I’m not sure. I guess just to illustrate the fact that Miami will likely need more production from their offense to get the win this week.
Cardinals 24-17
Sunday Night
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
It's a crucial divisional match-up in round 2 of this NFC South rivalry. Let's get some insight from the man calling (or COLLing) the game: Cris Collinsworth.
Whoa, what a lightning rod! This guy just doesn't give an eff.
Buccaneers 31-24
Monday Night
New England at New York Jets
What have we done to deserve this as a prime time game? 2020, am I right? Though this will become a supremely entertaining situation if the Patriots somehow lose to the Jets. Belichick would no doubt do his patented angry, no handshake stride off the field, but then just keep walking ... all the way to Foxboro! And get this, he’ll beat the rest of the team home! When they get back to the team facility he’ll be standing there waiting for them, not even breathing heavily. The players will just stare at each other, wide-eyed with bewilderment. At that moment they’ll know that they should never disappoint their coach again, for he has powers that are other worldly. Some will say it’s Belichick’s finest coaching job of all.
Here we have a rematch of last season’s NFC Championship game. You’re probably wondering: how do rematches of the previous season’s NFC Championship game normally go? I’m glad you asked, because I did the research, and over the last ten years the team that moved on to the Super Bowl has gone 10-2 in the ensuing contests. Great news for the 49ers! And they could use some considering they’re trotting out roughly 3 of the starters from last season’s game. That might make it sound like they have a daunting task ahead of them, but didn’t you see my stat? Teams in their position are 10-2 in games such as this. It’s as good done, San Fran wins! Unless, of course, that stat has no bearing on this particular match-up ... But that would mean I wasted 2 hours, I mean 20 minutes, doing that research ... And as you’ve probably surmised from the 371 of these posts I’ve made so far, I’m a man who hates to waste time. Still, I gotta admit, I don’t see the Niners getting the win here, recent history be damned! Seriously, we could do away with most of it.
Both of these teams are coming off a rough Week 7. The Patriots were blown out by the Niners 33-6, while the Bills didn’t manage to score a touchdown against the Jets. Sure Buffalo still won 18-10, but when you’re playing the Jets, that’s as good as a loss. In fact, it’s debatable which of these squads had the worse week. But the fact of the matter is that the Bills sit atop the AFC East at 5-2, two and a half games ahead of their perennial tormentors in New England. This game represents more than just an opportunity to put added distance between themselves and the Patriots, it’s a chance to announce that Buffalo is the new team to beat in the division. It’s like when the younger brother finally outgrows the older one and beats him up for the first time. You can’t show any mercy. The older brother’s begging you to stop waling on him, saying you’re family, or that you’re godfather to his daughter, and other crap like that. But don’t listen to him. Just keep thinking of all those times the shoe was on the other foot, and said foot was holding you down next to some dog poop on the neighbors’ lawn. He deserves this, and all the questions he’s gonna get at the Thanksgiving table about his missing teeth.
Bills 23-16
Tennessee at Cincinnati
The Bengals have had trouble finishing games this season, holding fourth quarter leads in five contests with only one win to show for it. On the other side of the coin, the Titans have excelled late in games, including in their only loss, which came after they nearly erased a 20 point second half deficit. So maybe we should just cut to the chase and start this game in the 4th quarter with Cincy up 3-0. And actually, based on their ever so consistent track records to this point, we can pretty much surmise how things will go from there. Ok, game over, Titans win. We saved ourselves a lot of time. What should we do with our Sunday? Meet up with all our friends and get brunch? No! No! Stop it! Just stop.
Titans 30-23
Las Vegas at Cleveland
Earlier this season I explained that the Chiefs had established themselves as the new kings of the AFC, taking the mantle from the previous rulers, the Patriots. I then decided that it would be fun, and nonsensical, to transfer that crown to any team that was able to beat KC, even just in the regular season. Well guess what folks, the Las Vegas Raiders are your new Kings of the AFC. Yes, they lost to Tampa last week but the Bucs are an NFC team so that amounted to a non-title match. But this week, the crown is back on the line as the Kings take on the Browns. Last week Cleveland continued its season-long trend of either winning a shootout or getting totally creamed. Hey, if you don’t have it that day, you might as well not waste your time. It’s all or (absolutely) nothing with these a-holes, and I dig it. But which one will it be on Sunday? I smell a shootout. After all the throne is on the line, can’t phone it in. Hey, can’t phone when it comes to the throne. You think the Browns will use that as a rallying cry in practice this week? Do ya guys think? Hey, don’t look at me like that. I don’t see why it’s out of the realm of possibility that maybe the Browns will take my made up concept, then apply a rhyme to it and use it as motivation to try hard in their game on Sunday. Ya know what forget it, you guys are jerks.
Raiders 35-33
Indianapolis at Detroit
It would be nice if the league just treated this like a Super Bowl since neither of these quarterbacks will ever make it to a real one. They could put up decorations and everything. Ya know, give Rivers and Stafford a real thrill. And hey since it’s in Detroit, and not a real Super Bowl, the NFL could have Kid Rock perform at halftime. On second thought, it might not be a good idea to put Kid Rock on that stage two days before the election. Something tells me his political views might clash with a lot of the players’. We’ll have to get someone else then. Let’s see, there are a lot of famous musicians from Detroit, but most of them too famous for this gig. Oh, I think I just found the perfect fit: Ray Parker Jr., born in Detroit, Michigan May 1, 1954. And c’mon, the man who brought us the Ghostbusters theme performing the day after Halloween, when all the ghosts have been busted! This whole thing makes too much sense.
Colts 24-21
Minnesota at Green Bay
I picked one of these teams to make the playoffs. Don’t go back and check which one, just know that I picked one. So in a sense, I’ll be right when one of them does get to the postseason. Fine it was the Vikings! Hey, how was I supposed to know that Kirk Cousins was going to be so erratic? I only had his entire career to go off of. Cousins has been so lousy, in fact, that during the Minnesota's bye week he theorized that he wouldn’t be finishing the season if he continued to throw interceptions. But if I were in the Vikings front office I’d be thinking the exact opposite. Nice try pal, you’re gonna sit in there and throw all the picks you can, and you’re gonna like it too! Like a parent catching their kid with a cigarette then making them smoke an entire carton. That’s right, throw another one into double coverage Kirk; and you’re gonna keep doing it until you learn your lesson! Because we just gave you a $66 million extension this offseason ... (loud sobbing that’s embarrassing for everyone). Actually, the more apt analogy would be that it’s like if Macaulay Culkin’s parents had tried the cigarette discipline on him in 1992. Cousins knows he has them over a barrel financially, so really there’s not much they can do to punish him.
Packers 38-22
New York Jets at Kansas City
Here we have possibly the best team in the league versus definitely the worst. As such, the expectation from many is that the Chiefs will win by 30. However, I’m thinking this could end being a classic lazy blowout game. You know, where the Chiefs barely care and would possibly be susceptible to an upset if the Jets weren’t so horrid. So KC will probably get up like 28-3 by halftime, then take out some starters and coast to a 35-17 win. A game so non-competitive that the superior team doesn’t even care to win by that much. And sure, one could always argue that the Jets are professionals, so you never know what could happen. I mean, hey, they get paid too. That’s true, but not nearly as much. The Chiefs’ roster is far better compensated thanks in large part to their superior talent. Why do I keep making the same point? I’m putting way more effort into this than Kansas City will need to.
Chiefs 35-17
Los Angeles Rams at Miami
Fitz sits?!? Miami has won three of their last four, and those wins have come at a combined score of 98-30. I understand the Dolphins wanting to get to Tua, but it’s now clear there was nothing Ryan Fitzpatrick could have done to keep the starting quarterback job. It’s sad to think about Fitz graciously hyping up the (reduced) crowd and cheering on Tua when the rookie came in at the end of the Dolphins’ Week 6 win over the Jets. The poor bastard probably didn’t realize at the time that he was applauding his own demise. Like a T-Rex gathering his fellow dinosaurs to applaud the beautiful, fiery asteroid headed towards them. That’s an especially heartbreaking analogy considering that due to its physical make-up the T-Rex likely wouldn’t even be able to applaud normally. Its stubby arms forcing it to merely slap its chest. It’s an effort as futile as Fitzpatrick’s turned out to be. Alas, wherever he goes Fitz will be no more than a T-Rex attempting to clap, waiting for the next asteroid.
Rams 31-13
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
You’ve probably seen this game hyped as a “heavyweight fight.” And sure, this is a very important game and the rivalry is historically physical. But come on, if we’re going by boxing standards, the minimum weight requirement for a heavyweight is 200 lbs. Almost every player on an NFL team hits that threshold. So really, every game could be classified as a “heavyweight fight.” Yes, even games that involve the Jets. But what makes the description so apt for this contest is that the teams are each selecting one player to compete in a 15 round boxing match prior to the game. The winner’s team will get to call the coin toss. It seems like a mere pittance for such a taxing affair, but try telling that to Ben Roethlisberger. He really likes calling “tails”. Actually he also likes to say “heads” too. It’s because he’s a pervert. But that point is, you take any advantage you can get in a knock-down drag-out affair like this. And I’m taking about the game now, not the preliminary boxing match. Though, I suppose it could apply to both ... This is getting too convoluted, perhaps we should move on.
Ravens 26-21
Sunday Afternoon
Los Angeles Chargers at Denver
Third place in the AFC West is on the line! Who will prevail?!? I would really respect CBS if that was how they chose to promote this game. Instead they’ll probably try to sell you on young, emerging star quarterbacks and explosive edge rushers. Snooze fest 2020! And that’s even with the extra hour of sleep we’re all getting on Saturday. I wanna know who’s taking that coveted 3rd spot baby! Hell that’s only one away from 2nd! And don’t get me started on how close 2nd is to 1st ... Seriously though, I won’t get started on that, because there’s no way anybody in the AFC West is going to overtake the Chiefs, so it’s pointless to consider. But hey, there’s an extra wild card spot out there this season and who’s to say it can’t end up with one of these teams? The NFL when it looks at the standing at the end of the season, that’s who. No, it’s not likely that either of these squads will make a playoff run, but it becomes even unlikelier for whoever loses this Sunday. So tune in to find out who has less of a chance of sneaking into the playoffs! There’s another tagline for ya CBS. These are free, you can have them!
Chargers 27-20
New Orleans at Chicago
In the past I’ve spoken of triple P’s - possible playoff previews. Well this one is a PPFP - possible playoff fodder preview. By that I mean that both of these teams are good enough to make it to the postseason, but neither one so good that they’ll do much once they get there. Neither one has passed the eye test for me. And by that I mean using my eyes to look at their point totals. The Saints and Bears are a combined 9-4, yet have outscored their opponents by a total of 4 points. These guys aren't passing the nose test either, because something doesn’t smell right. In fact, nothing has smelled right to me for weeks ... Oh god, I need to get tested ... Anyway, though both teams have basically played their opponents to a scoring stalemate this season, New Orleans games have been in the 30-30 range while Chicago has averaged out at almost exactly 20-20. Easy pick here, I’ll just split the difference and ... damn it! Another tie! Ok, can’t do that again (even though Steelers/Titans almost went into OT tied at 27 last week just as I had accidentally predicted).
Saints 24-23
San Francisco at Seattle
The 49ers have gotten most of their wins this season via blowout, with victory margins of 18, 27, and 27 again. The Seahawks, on the other hand, mostly trade in one score games, be it a win or a (totally avoidable) loss. You guys thinking what I’m thinking? Get Jack Nicholson on the horn, because Something’s Gotta Give! Sure he’ll probably be a bit confused as to who we are, why we’re calling, and how we got his number in the first place, but once we explain the differences between the way these teams win games and that something, in fact, has gotta give, he’ll surely understand and appreciate that we phoned. Jack will probably even give us a great one-liner, like, “All I know is that when these two division rivals get together, it’s Batman! Whoops! Sorry, I meant to say ‘it’s As Good As It Gets.’” Give him a break, he’s 83 years old, we all make mistakes. Oh whoa, he’s calling back. “Hey, Jack again. Just wanted to say that in this little pigskindo-si-do, the winner will be whichever team has a Few Good Men. Or a few more good men I suppose.” Ha, alright Mr. Nicholson, we’ll talk to ya later. So anyway ... Jeez, he’s calling again. “Chinatown.” (Dial-tone) I don’t really know where to go from here.
Ok, turns out he can not. Hang in there CriColl. And if anybody knows about that Tenet stream just DM Cris on Twitter.
Eagles 26-15
Monday Night
Tampa Bay at New York Giants
After back to back blowout victories over winning teams, the Buccaneers are looking like a potential NFC powerhouse. But don’t get too confident yet Tampa, because this week you’re not playing a team with a winning record. Nah, you gotta take on the ironically-named Giants. In a way they’re a much more dangerous type of team, because they’re the ones you least expect to cause any sort of problems. Still in another way, they’re the least dangerous type of team due to their lack of ability to win. To the Giants’ credit four of their six losses have been by one score, so they’re not totally uncompetitive. But in reality, with the way the Bucs are playing right now, it doesn’t seem feasible that they’ll pull the upset. Yes, it appears no opponent can derail this Tampa train. So the Bucs will have to do it themselves! See ya soon Antonio Brown!
Fired Atlanta head coach Dan Quinn had to have cracked a smile as the Falcons bungled away their Week 7 game against Detroit via an inadvertent touchdown and terrible defense. But I don’t imagine him doing so out of schadenfreude. No, I think it was more that he was just glad to see that all of this turmoil hasn’t let his old team change who they are deep down inside. They can still blow games in a new and exciting fashion on any given Sunday. Now the question becomes, can they do the same on a Thursday? As I’m sure Dan Quinn would tell you, never underestimate the mangled heart of a near-champion. The Panthers have proven to be a reliably solid team so far this season. They might not be the most talented, but they maximize their potential and don’t seem to beat themselves. So in other words they’re the anti-Falcons. And when it comes to the NFL in 2020, that’s a pretty good thing to be. Though Carolina is only 3-4, so I guess it’s not that great. Look, this game probably won’t end up mattering much, but Atlanta’s involved, so it should be silly at the very least.
Damn you Falcons. I knew that once I explained how you’ve kept fooling me that you’d immediately win a game just to pull one over on me again. Well congrats! I hope you all had a big laugh! No, I really do. If we can’t just take a moment every day to laugh then what’s the point, right? Especially in this trying time. I usually save my laughing outbursts for when I’m at the grocery store. I think the other shoppers and employees get a real kick out of it. I can’t see their mouths because of the masks, but I’m sure they’re smiling under there. Last week both the Falcons and Lions held on to win after amassing double-digit leads. For almost every other team that wouldn’t be noteworthy, but if you know anything about these groups of yahoos, it is. Perhaps they’ve both turned over a new leaf. Or, a perhaps more likely perhaps is that they just did that last week to throw us off the scent before their grand Week 7 collapse-a-thon. During back and forth games we often hear about how many lead changes there have been. And sure, that usually makes for an exciting contest. But that’s nothing compared to double-digit lead changes, of which I expect there to be at least 6 in this game. Even though they'll be playing indoors, protected from the wind, it will ironically come down to who can blow it the hardest.
Lions 38-36
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Last week I foolishly decided to take a chance on the Browns, picking them to beat the Steelers. Who could’ve guessed that that would be a mistake? I only had this whole century to go by. Coming off of Cleveland’s blowout loss, Baker Mayfield said that their 4-2 record now felt like 0-6. After experiencing an 0-16 campaign a mere 3 years ago Browns fans probably had a good eye-roll at that comment. Hell, it took Cleveland three whole seasons (2015-2017) to get 4 wins. So 4 wins in 6 games? You got a dynasty on your hands Baker! One of those victories came against the very team they’re facing this week. But when the Browns beat the Bengals the first time around Cincy hadn’t gotten their first win yet. Now they have a taste for it, and they want more. These guys are hunting day and night for another hit of that winning feeling. They’re so desperate they’ll even take a tie, just to get close to that high. We’re dealing with some sick twists here. And guess what, I think they get their fix again this week. Will I live to regret this pick? No, because even if I’m wrong it will be because I didn’t trust the Browns, and I'm at peace with that.
Bengals 33-30
Pittsburgh at Tennessee
Oh doctor, we’ve got a clash between the two remaining undefeated teams in the AFC. I got bad news for ya though boys, one of y’all ain’t gonna be undefeated after this one. Sorry, dems the breaks. Yeah I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but someone’s gotta keep it real. One of you will certainly have a loss come Monday ... That is unless the teams meet ahead of time and agree to a tie ... God no, they can’t do that! I broke the news to them! I was being a big man and wagging my finger! C’mon guys, I need this. Don’t do this to me, we can figure something out. Do you even understand what you’re doing?!? If you follow through with this I’ll be financially ruined. Don’t ask me how, it would be too hard to explain. Ok fine, I put everything I own on a bet that you wouldn’t tie. The odds were 1:5,000. How could I pass that up? It’s an easy opportunity to win $4. Who wouldn't jump on that?!? So that’s it then, huh? You’re just going to play to a draw and not care whose life it ruins in the process? Fine. But I’m not going to sit here and go along with it. On this site I pick winners and losers, I’m not a coward like you two.
TIE 27-27 ... Whoops! Shit!
Carolina at New Orleans
The Saints have said that wide receiver Michael Thomas is cleared to play as long as he’s healthy. Thomas has been suffering from an ankle injury, and was also suspended by the club for punching one of his teammates during practice. But that discipline is done, and he’s ready to roll for Sunday. Great news! Unless Thomas isn’t really interested in playing right now. And if he isn’t, he knows exactly how he can get out of it. That’s right, just punch another teammate. Or how about this, Thomas is in film study with his position group, he doesn’t like the match-up or the game plan, so he just walks up to the WRs coach and decks him. Then he calmly strolls out of the room and shouts, “See ya next week!” as he goes through the door. If you ask me Michael Thomas has it all figured out. It’s too bad I’m working from home, otherwise I’d be punching so many co-workers right now.
Saints 26-23
Buffalo at New York Jets
Bad news for the Bills, after a 4-0 start they’re now 4-2 with a -12 point differential on the season. The good news for Buffalo? This week they’re facing the Jets, who are at -110 in the same category. No other team is worse than -56. New York is losing their games by an average of 18 points. Last week they were shut out by the Dolphins and became the league’s only winless team with an exclamation point. During that loss Joe Flacco was sacked for a loss of 28 yards on a 3rd down. Flacco is not very fleet of foot, so it wasn't realistic for him to think he’d be able to avoid the sack there. Retreating further only exacerbated the damage. The only explanation is that Flacco was trying to run home. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he’d announced his retirement when he crossed over midfield. Honestly it would have been the prudent maneuver. The good news for the FlaccMan is that Sam Darnold is likely to return as the starting QB this Sunday. The bad news is that now Joe just has to watch Jets games.
Bills 31-17
Dallas at Washington
Trailing 20-19 with under a minute left in their Week 6 game against the Giants, Washington went for two, eschewing a likely tie in attempt to win the game immediately. It’s an admirable strategy by coach Ron Rivera, mostly for his awareness that nobody wanted to watch any more of that game than necessary. Washington was unable to convert the try and now they sit at 1-5, dead last in the NFC East and one game out of 1st place. No wonder Rivera’s willing to take risks, what does it matter if they lose? They could get to 5-11 and have a decent shot at the playoffs. On Monday we got our first look at the Andy Dalton era in Dallas. On Sunday we might get our last look at the Andy Dalton era in Dallas. I mean c’mon, isn’t it about time we saw Ben DiNucci get his shot? Wait a minute, Ben DiNucci?!? Is that made up? That sounds made up. Well, looks like the Cowboys are stuck with Dalton after all. Good luck Red Rifle. Whoops, probably shouldn’t call him that going into this game.
Cowboys 24-20
Green Bay at Houston
Aaron Rodgers spent the first four games of the season hellbent on proving that he still had it. And prove it he did, playing at an MVP level all the while. Then, in his fifth game of the season he scored a touchdown and did a celebration from a 7 year old Key and Peele skit. In one fell swoop this undid all of the work he’d put in and confirmed that Rodgers is truly stuck in the previous decade. After that he proceeded to have an abysmal game and his team lost by 28. This was no accident. Rodgers was punished by the football overlords for living in the past. Normally that would be enough to deter a player from ever attempting something similar. However, Rodgers oozes hubris, and if he scores another TD this week don’t be surprised to see him break out the Icky Shuffle or The Macarena. But beware Mr. Rodgers, for such defiance is not appreciated by the ... Ahh never mind, you’re playing the Texans. You’ll probably be fine either way.
Packers 38-27
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay at Las Vegas
It’s
Jon Gruden coaching his old team against his old team. Are we in some
sort of time vortex or something? Isn’t this how Twin Peaks worked? It’s
hard to make sense out of any of it. But who can make sense out of anything in this mixed up world we’re
living in? I’ll tell ya who, Hank Furtz for Congress.
Furtz is the type of guy that won’t cave to the Washington fat cats, or
the special interest groups. Hell, he won’t even cave to his
constituency. That’s right, Hank Furtz won’t listen to anybody but
himself and his God. And to be clear his God is Scott Caan. That’s
right, the actor from such films as Ocean’s 11, Ready to Rumble,
and Ocean’s 13. Ya know, Tweeter from Varsity Blues. Hank Furtz worships Scott
Caan. Look, I’ll level with you guys, I agreed to
integrate a political ad into the blog this week in exchange for some
cash. I don’t regret it, but I’ll probably do more research on the
candidate in the future.
Buccaneers 30-27
Kansas City at Denver
Before last Sunday this looked like it was just going to be the Chiefs blowing out a lowly, 1 win Broncos team. But after Denver’s upset win in New England this game now looks like it will be the Chiefs blowing out a 2 win Broncos team. Kansas City has beaten Denver nine straight times, and won their two meetings last season by a combined score of 53-9. Pretty astonishing, right? That the Broncos held the Chiefs to only 53 points over two games? Actually, now that I look into it, KC is averaging a mere 29 points per game this season. That might seem great, but it’s only good enough for 9th place in the league so far. It’s 2020 baby, scoring is up across the board! But it seems the Chiefs have stagnated. Sure they’re still probably Super Bowl favorites, but they’re not blowing the doors off like we’re used to. And I’m not sure that’s going to happen this Sunday either. Denver is just a boring team that drags their opponents down a malaise hole with them. So sure, the Chiefs will get their 10th straight win over the Broncos, but it just won’t be very entertaining. No deep bombs or flea-flickers. No alley-oops or zipper zangs. And don’t even think for one second that you’ll see a brumboozle. The Broncos haven’t allowed one of those in years.
Chiefs 29-13
San Francisco at New England
I don’t know about you guys, but I’m thinking that there are some back room dealings going on heading into this game. My theory is that Belichick has a secret arrangement in place with Jimmy Garoppolo to abscond together after the final whistle and rekindle their coach/QB partnership. However, that plan will go awry during the game when Jimmy turns it over a couple times and starts sailing balls over people’s heads. Belichick will watch it all with a disdainful sourpuss ... Ok, more disdainful than his usual resting face. After it’s over and the teams are gathering at midfield Garoppolo will approach Belichick, bags all packed and ready to go. Bill will just shake his head no. He won’t say a word; he won’t have to. Jimmy will lower his head and trudge off with the rest of the 49ers, the dirt on his face now streaked with one single tear. Kyle Shanahan will then throw an arm around him and say, “Hey Jim, why do you have your bags out here on the field big guy?” To which Garoppolo will reply, “Shut up KYLE! You’re not my real dad!”
Patriots 23-20
Jacksonville at Los Angeles Chargers
The Chargers’ current four game losing streak has consisted entirely of one-score games. They’ve been sniffing around that second win for over a month now. Well, here come the Jags, the equivalent of a duffle bag full of herojuana. That’s a combo of heroine and marijuana. The point is, the Chargers should be honed in on this one. Jacksonville also hasn’t won since their opener, but these teams ain’t exactly oranges and oranges. Though oranges are grown in both the states these teams call home. That’s not important right now! The bottom line is that the Chargers are being presented with a golden opportunity to seize win number 2. What could possibly go wrong? Oh right, it’s the Chargers ... Nah they have to win this one, right? Right?
Chargers 35-20
Sunday Night
A mid-week COVID scare on the Raiders' roster results in this game being flexed into prime time. But is it a welcome change? Let's find out with the man who will be in the booth for it, Cris Collinsworth:
Whoa, we got both the SNF announcers. What a treat. Don't you guys think?
Seahawks 38-30
Monday Night
Chicago at Los Angeles Rams
I continued to give the Bears no respect when I picked them to lose to the Panthers last week. Then on Saturday I was on vacation and saw a bear in real life. I should’ve known it was an omen, but I shrugged it off. Of course come Sunday Chicago won to go to 5-1 on the season. Point taken. If I see another bear this week I’ll really know it’s a sign. Especially considering that bears are not native to the town I live in. Though, if you go to the majority of the bars in the area you’re libel to find some. I think I’m starting to understand Chicago. They win ugly. They might not look very impressive, but they’re getting the job done. Which makes Nick Foles the perfect quarterback for this team, because, ya know, he looks like a goober. But hey, ya know what they say, never judge a football book by its football cover. And by football cover I mean one of those cool ones that’s textured just a like a real football, so that when you’re holding it in your hands you’re thinking, Oh yeah, this book’s definitely about football. Anyway, I still the think the Bears will lose this week. Prove me wrong! Send a bear to my house and make me eat my words! No I said eat my words, not it eat me. Ahh! ... Ahhhhhhh!
