NFL Picks - Week 16

Saturday

Dallas @ Arizona

The cable companies will point to this game when they explain why they don't need NFL Network. After having to play on Christmas, hearing more Cowboys fans than Cardinals fans in his home stadium and inevitably having multiple balls sail over his head I'm guessing that Larry Fitzgerald will snap and start beating the hell out of everyone on his sideline.

Cowboys 27-20


Morning Games


Washington @ Jacksonville

Mark Brunell has publicly stated that whichever of these teams wins this game will be the team whose jersey he'll have on his Hall of Fame bust. It seems that nobody told him that not only do NFL Hall of Fame busts have no logos, but that he also isn't going to make the Hall of Fame. As for this game, the Jags will probably win but it won't matter because these sucks blew it last week. It's over ya buttholes!

Jaguars 29-10


Detroit @ Miami

I now feel like an idiot for not betting on the Dolphins all year seeing as how I was on to them since Week 4. Now I feel like they're just trying to prove me right ... and I love it! To make matters worse, the road warrior Lions are coming to town.

Lions 19-16


San Francisco @ St. Louis

As a Hawks fan I actually have to root for the Rams in this game, or better yet a tie. While we're on the subject, am I the only one that secretly roots for a tie when a game goes into overtime? Normally I can't explain why, at least this time I'll have an excuse.

Rams 23-13


Tennessee @ Kansas City

The Chiefs are trying to close out the season with consecutive wins to be AFC West champions. As an inspiration tactic Todd Haley wanted to show his team How the West Was Won, the classic western movie, however, he accidentally rented How the West Was Fun the Olsen twins movie. Turns out the team loved it anyway, and it did inspire them to be more precocious. So expect some trick plays from KC.

Chiefs 30-20


New York Jets @ Chicago

This should be one heck of a FOOTball game. It promises to be pretty close, it could be decided by a yard or even a FOOT; who knows, it might come down to one of the kicker's TOES. On paper these two FOOTball teams seem to be evenly matched. They've played well most weeks, but at times they can't put one FOOT in front of the other ... the other FOOT that is. I'm going to pick the Jets to win on the road, which is no small FEET, whoops that's supposed to be spelled feat. (NOTE: If your name isn't Rex Ryan then you don't have a boner right now.)

Jets 24-20


New England @ Buffalo

The Patriots may be the best team in the league, but how did they give up 27 points to a Packers team without Aaron Rodgers? No seriously, how did it happen? I fell asleep for most of it. In all fairness though, I was only power-napping so I could go slam brews with Bateman later. The Bills will also not have Aaron Rodgers this Sunday, which could present problems for New England. Then again it might not, like I said I didn't pay much attention last week.

Patriots 35-24


Baltimore @ Cleveland

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that LeBron James will show up to this game wearing a Ravens jersey to establish himself as a lover of all traitors. To make matters worse he'll sit in his luxury box and smash a bunch of Drew Carey Show DVDs throughout the game. This guy is one sick bastard.

Ravens 23-16


Afternoon Games


Houston @ Denver

Gary Kubiak returns to face his former team. You want drama? You got it you son of a bitch! Look, I'm sorry I got so upset but talking about Kubs gets me so damn emotional I just can't control myself sometimes.

Texans 30-24


San Diego @ Cincinnati

What can you say about a game like this? Not much. I'll take the Chargers.

Chargers 34-17


Indianapolis @ Oakland

The Raiders are 7-2 against the AFC/NFC Wests and 0-5 against everybody else. That translates into a loss in this one.

Colts 27-23


New York Giants @ Green Bay

The Giant's collapse against the Eagles last week reminded me of a Madden game where the computer is playing way too well so you switch the difficulty level from All-Pro to Easy. I'm pretty sure Andy Reid switched it to easy midway through the 4th. They better hope that they were set back to All-Pro this week, because a loss will severely hurt their playoff hopes.

Packers 31-24


Seattle @ Tampa Bay

The Hawks caught a huge break when this game was moved to 1. However, they've caught a bad break over the last couple months with their terrible play. If Detroit can win in Tampa then literally anyone else can, even the Hawks ... right?

Seahawks 20-17


Sunday Night


Minnesota @ Philadelphia

Well, Favre nearly got killed again on Monday night, but apparently he might start again this weekend. This guy just won't die, he's like John McClane, except not charming, and he's really hard to root for, and instead of trying to save his estranged wife he sends out dick pics. Other than that though, they're basically the same guy.

Eagles 28-14


Monday Night


New Orleans @ Atlanta

The Falcons can win the NFC South with a win, or they can just wait and beat the Panthers at home next week. If I were Mike Smith I'd just kneel on the ball every play and not show the Saints anything they might be able to use in the playoffs, because this is a possible playoff preview after all.

Falcons 30-27