NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Oakland @ Atlanta

Uh oh, this could get ugly. How ugly? This ugly (I'll bet you're looking for the link aren't you? Shame on you, I would never point out someone being ugly merely for amusement, I'd only do it if I really thought they should know, so that they could do something about it and then the rest of us wouldn't be forced to deal with it).

Falcons 38-14


Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Hmmm, where have I seen this one before? Oh, that's right, Week 2! The Bengals and the Browns are playing each other for the second time already in this young season. The first time around Cincinnati got a 34-27 win in a wild game. Since then things have gotten pretty scary for the Browns, but it's getting to be that time of year when scary reigns. Not to mention the fact that Brandon Weeden runs a haunted house in his neighborhood on weekdays, so scary is his specialty. In other words he's not phased by the frightening events surrounding Cleveland's season so far. Last week I picked the Browns to win because I had no choice, but this week I'll stick with them because I think they've got what it takes ... to get a win.

Browns 27-24


St. Louis @ Miami

What do you say about a game like this? Seriously, they're not giving me much to work with here. Both teams are coming off of surprise wins last week, but now that they've each shown some fight no one should be surprised if either of them get a W here. Though, it stands to reason that at least one of these teams will be victorious. Which one you ask? Ha, well you'll just have to wait and see. I already know however, so SPOILER ALERT!

Dolphins 22-20


Indianapolis @ New York Jets

As one fresh faced quarterback arrives on the scene, another fades into oblivion. Like sands through the hour glass, the yin to the yang, or one of those drawings where a hand is drawing a hand which is drawing the first hand. This is the storyline as Andrew Luck, coming off of the best game of his young career, travels to New York to take on a struggling Mark Sanchez, who can't escape the powerful, sultry breath of Tim Tebow perpetually heating the nape of his neck. If Luck pulls off another win expect to see Sanch on the bench sooner rather than not so soon. But I think he'll get the win, and a stay of execution. (Fun fact that isn't true: One of the previous sentences was lifted directly from a romance novel, can you guess which one?)

Jets 24-17


Detroit @ Philadelphia

This season Michael Vick has been a turnover machine. Don't believe me? He's already given the ball away nine times on his own. Now, if the issue you had with my original statement was that I referred to him as a machine well then I'll admit that no, I do not believe that Michael Vick is literally some sort of cyborg designed by scientists to turn the ball over. What would be the logic in engineering such a robot? Who is that helping? Certainly not the Eagles, for whom the Turnover Machine is the starting quarterback. Are we supposed to think that an NFL franchise would agree to make such a self-destructive decision as to turn over the reigns of their offense to a mechanical being whose sole purpose is to present the opposition with the football? Of course not, so I'll take Philadelphia.

Eagles 24-23


Kansas City @ Tampa Bay

Let's not beat around the bush with this game. Ah one, and ah two, and ah three .... Corner Screen at the Shack! I think it's safe to say that outside Kansas City this one will be in the same spot at sports bars across the nation. Let's call it the anti-Jennifer Grey, because everybody's putting it in the corner. Of course, the one city in which this game won't be relegated to the fringes is Tampa, because I'm guessing we're headed towards another non-sellout (Stinger for all the old school fans out there) meaning that they won't even have the option of watching the game on TV. Though, I can't say that I blame the Bucs' fans for not showing up to this one; I mean the only thing to possibly cheer would be a Matt Cassel injury, and odds are he won't even be playing, so what's the point?

Buccaneers 28-14


Dallas @ Baltimore

The Ravens' last three wins have all been close games that could have gone either way, while both of the Cowboys' losses this season have been blowouts in which Dallas was dominated physically, emotionally, and sexually (or so I've heard). So if the Ravens are going to win this game then something has to give; either they'll get to breath easy for once, or the Cowboys will finally look respectable in a loss. Or, Dallas could completely flip the script and get an upset victory, which would be a definite possibility if I thought they were any good. I say the Ravens get their 14th straight home win in classic Ravens fashion.

Ravens 21-20


Sunday Afternoon

New England @ Seattle

If it seems like you haven't seen this match-up much in the past couple decades it's because you haven't (learn to trust your instincts). This will be only the third time these teams have met in the last 19 seasons. Moreover, it will be the the first time Tom Brady has ever played in Seattle, meaning that he probably thinks "Bring in da Noise Bring in da Funk" is merely the title of a fantastic movie. Think again Tom. Brady and co. do bring the league's top offense (yardage-wise) with them to the CLink this Sunday, but they'll be met by the league's top D, and as they always say, a good defense beats a good offense. But they also always say that the best defense is a good offense, and New England has the league's best offense, so does that mean they have the best defense? And if the best defense is a good offense does that mean that the best offense is a good defense? In that case, the Seahawks would have the league's best offense. Any way you slice it, this figures to be a highly competitive clash. I'll give the edge to the Hawks because they have the only player whose jersey has been retired but still suits up every week.

Seahawks 23-20


Buffalo @ Arizona

The Bills' defense was so bad last week that it was offensive. And no, not in the sense that the best offense is a bad defense, rather in the sense that it's a delicious play on words. In their blowout loss to the 49ers, Buffalo became the only team in NFL history to give up 300 yards passing AND 300 yards rushing in one game. Their defense has been so porous this season that fantasy owners across the nation are scrambling to pick up Kevin Kolb off of waivers. If the Bills' D hasn't had a wake-up call yet, then that's it. But even if they do wake up they might not manage to do much. Meanwhile, Cardinals running back Ryan Williams will miss the remainder of the year due to injury, meaning that by the end of the season he'll have played in only 5 of the 32 games he's been a pro for. To put it another way, he'll have played in about 16% of games. That's still higher than the Bills' tackling percentage though, so it shouldn't matter who's toting it for Arizona.

Cardinals 27-15


New York Giants @ San Francisco

It's a rematch of the NFC Championship Game from 1991! These teams also happened to have played for the NFC crown last season (NOTE: the NFC crown is not an actual thing). As we all know, a couple of bad bounces spelled doom for the 49ers in the previous match-up. To safeguard against the same thing happening this time around San Francisco is putting a spy on Kyle Williams in much the same way that you would to defend a running quarterback. The spy will mirror Williams' every move and if Kyle comes within 5 yards of the ball during any punt the spy will pounce on him. The Giants' win over Cleveland last week put a dent in my Costanza Theorem which states that when it comes to New York I should pick against my instincts. While a Browns win would have solidified my findings I'm not sure that their loss proved me wrong; if anything, it proved that they suck. So I'll stick with the Theorem one more time and take the Giants on the road. Why? Because I don't think they'll win.

Giants 19-16


Minnesota @ Washington

As I mentioned earlier, and in many weeks past, the lack of ticket sales in Tampa makes that fan base a strong candidate for the worst in the NFL. However, were you aware that Redskins have lost their last eight at home? Yes, eight (as in 8). It's a shocking statistic that raises the question, does Washington D.C. have the worst fans in the NFL? It seems clear that they aren't generating any home field advantage whatsoever. In fact, they're having a negative effect. With the red hot Minnesota Vikings coming to town expect this troubling trend to continue

Vikings 24-21


Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Houston

It's safe to say that in terms of the start of the 2012 season, this is not how Aaron Rodgers and the Packers drew it up. In fact, I managed to obtain a copy of how Rodgers actually drew it up. On the flip side, the Texans couldn't have imagined a much better start to the year; they're 5-0 for the first time in their storied 11 year history. Even though Green Bay comes into this game at 2-3 beating them would be a benchmark victory for a Houston team that has feasted on a somewhat easy schedule to this point. And it's for that very reason that I think the Packers will pull off an upset. Green Bay needs this one, and while it would be a big win for the Texans, the desperation might not be there.

Packers 27-24


Monday Night

Denver @ San Diego

It's a Monday night battle for first place in the AFC West. "Groan," said the country.

Broncos 30-23