Seattle @ Detroit
The Hawks will
come into this game with an extra 4 days of rest on the Lions. That
might seem unfair until you consider the fact that Seattle has scored
less than 13 points per game on the road this year, and the franchise
has only scored 19 points in two games at Ford Field. In other words,
they've performed worse than a Ford (Burn! Actually I don't know
anything about cars, Fords are lame right?). But if there were ever a
time for the Hawks to break out of their offensive funk it's right now.
Why? Because I'm tired of watching it.
Carolina @ Chicago
two teams are heading in opposite directions, which is a good thing for
this game, because if they were heading in the same direction the
kickoffs would be very confusing (that's the second directional joke in
two weeks, clearly I'm already losing steam here). One thing these
squads do have in common is the poor body language of their
quarterbacks, meaning there will most likely be more frowny faces in
this game than a gChat with this girl. I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1.
San Diego @ Cleveland
Chargers have had a full two weeks to think about how they blew a 24-0
halftime lead to the Broncos on Monday Night Football. They've also had
two full weeks to think about their families, because the Chargers are
more than just football players, they're human beings, and shame on you
for insinuating otherwise. Meanwhile there's only one thing on the
Browns' mind: football. Which makes it all the more disappointing that
they've only managed one win so far. However, they haven't been
downright terrible as of late, and I think it's high time that they
spring the trap the Chargers, who are clearly looking forward to their
game against Kansas City next week.
New England @ St. Louis
Patriots have clearly had trouble closing out games lately, being
outscored 34-6 in their last three 4th quarters. But could they really
drop a game to the Rams? I say yes! These are not the lowly Rams we're
used to, and they've played pretty well in St. Louis so far .... What's
that? London? Oh, well they're fucked.
Miami @ New York Jets
copious amount of research into this game that involved going to the
Dolphins clubhouse page on ESPN.com I unearthed some fairly enlightening
stats. For instance, Miami is 3-3 with two of their losses coming in
overtime after they blew 4th quarter leads. They're also fourth against
the run, which was news to me. And while they happen to be 28th against
the pass it probably won't matter much considering they're playing the
Jets this week, who still refuse to start Tim Tebow, the greatest
offensive weapon since Tommy Vardell.
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
Eagles have had five of their six games decided by three points or less,
meaning that they've been in pretty much every game so far, even their
losses. The Falcons have also been in all of their games this year,
winning all of them. So this one figures to be close. How close? This close. Get it? Little over your head huh? But I know you come
to this site for definitive picks and mild nonsense, so I'll say that
Philly hands Atlanta their first loss, but not without trying to blow it
a few times first.
Washington @ Pittsburgh
Steelers are wearing throwback uniforms for this game that look like this. A couple of things jump out from that picture. First, the
design is so outrageous that it borders on hubris. Second, was that
picture taken in a bathroom? RG3 nearly engineered an impressive road
victory against the Giants last week and unless he's afraid of bees I think he has a good shot at getting the win in Pittsburgh.
Jacksonville @ Green Bay
probably assuming that a game against the ever popular Packers would be
one of the only things that could save the Jaguars from the Corner
Screen at the Shack. Well, you're right, they won't on the CSATS, but
that's only because there are 9 early games and only 8 screens
available, which means it won't be on any screen at all! Ouch! Sorry
Jags fans, I'd feel bad for you if you existed. With Maurice Jones-Drew
inactive for this game Jacksonville doesn't stand a chance. They
wouldn't stand a chance with him healthy, but at least this way they'll
have a decent excuse.
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
I wondered aloud a few weeks back if the Titans were the worst team in
the league they've won two in a row. While their defense has shown
little improvement they've naturally made great strides on offense
behind the intrepid leadership of Matthew Hasselbeck. With the Colts
coming to town I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee wins their third in a
row and gets to .500. Then again, in today's NFL nothing surprises me;
except for play-action fakes, those catch me off guard every time.
Oakland @ Kansas City
again we're left with only two afternoon games and one of them involves
the Raiders. Most cowards out there would just sit back and let
atrocities like this keep happening, but not me, I'm taking action. How
so? This so: fire Howard Katz! Katz is the man that, with the
aide of a "super" computer, created the 2012 NFL schedule. Full
disclosure: I don't know if he chose the actual time that games would be
played, but there just wasn't enough time for me to look into that,
these barren afternoons have sent me into a reckless rage. Explain
yourself Mr. Katz! And while you're at it, show us your tax return.
New York Giants @ Dallas
the presses! It's a Giants/Cowboys game and it's not being played in
prime time. This is the first time in their last four meetings that
that's been true. Ok, go ahead and start the presses again (Is one of
you in charge of the presses?). The fact that this game is being played
in Dallas makes me more confident that New York will win. And now that
I've abandoned the Costanza Theorem and embraced the Giants as just
being flat out good I'll quote many an opposing DB when facing Tony Romo
and say that I'll have no problem making this pick.
New Orleans @ Denver
Do you like points? Obviously you do,
because you're reading this post, which is full of tremendous points.
But if you like football games with lots of points this should be the
game for you. The Saints have been unable to stop anyone this season,
giving up an average of 465 yards of offense per game. Meanwhile, Peyton
Manning has been on a tear of late and figures to put up big numbers.
Mean-meanwhile, Drew Brees has been no slouch himself. Denver will
inevitably dig themselves a hole and then come stampeding out of it to
make this game into a wild 4th quarter shootout. Who will win? The fans!
And the Broncos.
San Francisco @ Arizona
seems like a long time has passed since the Cardinals started the
season 4-0, but in fact it was just three weeks ago. Now, if you're only
a six week old child, that would account for half your life, so it
would be a relatively long time. However, that would raise other
questions, the most pertinent of which being how did you learn to read
at such a young age? Baby geniuses aside, Arizona is certainly a far cry
from their hot start and things don't look to get any easier for them
this Monday. In fact, I expect their losing streak to reach 6 before
they get another win. Mark it down wherever you mark things.