NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Detroit

The Hawks will come into this game with an extra 4 days of rest on the Lions. That might seem unfair until you consider the fact that Seattle has scored less than 13 points per game on the road this year, and the franchise has only scored 19 points in two games at Ford Field. In other words, they've performed worse than a Ford (Burn! Actually I don't know anything about cars, Fords are lame right?). But if there were ever a time for the Hawks to break out of their offensive funk it's right now. Why? Because I'm tired of watching it.

Seahawks 24-16

Carolina @ Chicago

These two teams are heading in opposite directions, which is a good thing for this game, because if they were heading in the same direction the kickoffs would be very confusing (that's the second directional joke in two weeks, clearly I'm already losing steam here). One thing these squads do have in common is the poor body language of their quarterbacks, meaning there will most likely be more frowny faces in this game than a gChat with this girl. I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1.

Bears 20-17

San Diego @ Cleveland

The Chargers have had a full two weeks to think about how they blew a 24-0 halftime lead to the Broncos on Monday Night Football. They've also had two full weeks to think about their families, because the Chargers are more than just football players, they're human beings, and shame on you for insinuating otherwise. Meanwhile there's only one thing on the Browns' mind: football. Which makes it all the more disappointing that they've only managed one win so far. However, they haven't been downright terrible as of late, and I think it's high time that they spring the trap the Chargers, who are clearly looking forward to their game against Kansas City next week.

Browns 30-27

New England @ St. Louis

The Patriots have clearly had trouble closing out games lately, being outscored 34-6 in their last three 4th quarters. But could they really drop a game to the Rams? I say yes! These are not the lowly Rams we're used to, and they've played pretty well in St. Louis so far .... What's that? London? Oh, well they're fucked.

Patriots 27-17

Miami @ New York Jets

After a copious amount of research into this game that involved going to the Dolphins clubhouse page on ESPN.com I unearthed some fairly enlightening stats. For instance, Miami is 3-3 with two of their losses coming in overtime after they blew 4th quarter leads. They're also fourth against the run, which was news to me. And while they happen to be 28th against the pass it probably won't matter much considering they're playing the Jets this week, who still refuse to start Tim Tebow, the greatest offensive weapon since Tommy Vardell.

Dolphins 21-16

Atlanta @ Philadelphia

The Eagles have had five of their six games decided by three points or less, meaning that they've been in pretty much every game so far, even their losses. The Falcons have also been in all of their games this year, winning all of them. So this one figures to be close. How close? This close. Get it? Little over your head huh? But I know you come to this site for definitive picks and mild nonsense, so I'll say that Philly hands Atlanta their first loss, but not without trying to blow it a few times first.

Eagles 20-19

Washington @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers are wearing throwback uniforms for this game that look like this. A couple of things jump out from that picture. First, the design is so outrageous that it borders on hubris. Second, was that picture taken in a bathroom? RG3 nearly engineered an impressive road victory against the Giants last week and unless he's afraid of bees I think he has a good shot at getting the win in Pittsburgh.

Redskins 24-21

Jacksonville @ Green Bay

You're probably assuming that a game against the ever popular Packers would be one of the only things that could save the Jaguars from the Corner Screen at the Shack. Well, you're right, they won't on the CSATS, but that's only because there are 9 early games and only 8 screens available, which means it won't be on any screen at all! Ouch! Sorry Jags fans, I'd feel bad for you if you existed. With Maurice Jones-Drew inactive for this game Jacksonville doesn't stand a chance. They wouldn't stand a chance with him healthy, but at least this way they'll have a decent excuse.

Packers 38-13

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

After I wondered aloud a few weeks back if the Titans were the worst team in the league they've won two in a row. While their defense has shown little improvement they've naturally made great strides on offense behind the intrepid leadership of Matthew Hasselbeck. With the Colts coming to town I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee wins their third in a row and gets to .500. Then again, in today's NFL nothing surprises me; except for play-action fakes, those catch me off guard every time.

Titans 27-23

Sunday Afternoon

Oakland @ Kansas City

Once again we're left with only two afternoon games and one of them involves the Raiders. Most cowards out there would just sit back and let atrocities like this keep happening, but not me, I'm taking action. How so? This so: fire Howard Katz! Katz is the man that, with the aide of a "super" computer, created the 2012 NFL schedule. Full disclosure: I don't know if he chose the actual time that games would be played, but there just wasn't enough time for me to look into that, these barren afternoons have sent me into a reckless rage. Explain yourself Mr. Katz! And while you're at it, show us your tax return.

Chiefs 23-16

New York Giants @ Dallas

Stop the presses! It's a Giants/Cowboys game and it's not being played in prime time. This is the first time in their last four meetings that that's been true. Ok, go ahead and start the presses again (Is one of you in charge of the presses?). The fact that this game is being played in Dallas makes me more confident that New York will win. And now that I've abandoned the Costanza Theorem and embraced the Giants as just being flat out good I'll quote many an opposing DB when facing Tony Romo and say that I'll have no problem making this pick. 

Giants 31-26

Sunday Night

New Orleans @ Denver

Do you like points? Obviously you do, because you're reading this post, which is full of tremendous points. But if you like football games with lots of points this should be the game for you. The Saints have been unable to stop anyone this season, giving up an average of 465 yards of offense per game. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning has been on a tear of late and figures to put up big numbers. Mean-meanwhile, Drew Brees has been no slouch himself. Denver will inevitably dig themselves a hole and then come stampeding out of it to make this game into a wild 4th quarter shootout. Who will win? The fans! And the Broncos. 

Broncos 38-35

Monday Night

San Francisco @ Arizona

It seems like a long time has passed since the Cardinals started the season 4-0, but in fact it was just three weeks ago. Now, if you're only a six week old child, that would account for half your life, so it would be a relatively long time. However, that would raise other questions, the most pertinent of which being how did you learn to read at such a young age? Baby geniuses aside, Arizona is certainly a far cry from their hot start and things don't look to get any easier for them this Monday. In fact, I expect their losing streak to reach 6 before they get another win. Mark it down wherever you mark things.

49ers 20-12

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