Miami @ Cincinnati
Bengals' defense finally put a up a solid effort last week against the
Jaguars. Go back and read the previous sentence, but pay extra attention
to the last word. That's right, they were playing the Jaguars so their
defense still has much to prove. This Sunday they'll be tasked with
containing Brian Hartline who had more targets last week than Culver
City. Just to be clear, there are 3 Targets in Culver City, which is 2
more than most cities but still nowhere near the amount of targets that
Hartline, or many other receivers for that matter, had a week ago. I
think the Cincy D will hold their own and keep the Dolphins' point total
low, just like the low low prices at your nearest Target.
Green Bay @ Indianapolis
into last week at 1-2 the Packers were faced with something of a
judgment day and Aaron Rodgers experienced a return to form reminiscent
of the T1000 against New Orleans. As for Andrew Luck, he's turning heads
as a rookie and making everyone say, "Have you seen this boy!?"
Unfortunately for Luck the rest of this Colts team is making him
understand why Indy fans cry. Expect Rodgers to have another big week.
Baltimore @ Kansas City
getting their token win against the Saints in Week 3 the Chiefs
returned to a losing form in a San Diegan thrashing, that is to say a
thrashing by San Diego. With the Ravens coming to town don't expect much
better from Kansas City, at least not until Kansas City starts
expecting better from themselves. It's like, you're beautiful Kansas
City, but no one's going to realize it until you do. I'm sorry you guys,
it's just so damn frustrating.
Atlanta @ Washington
In Week 4
the Falcons pulled an escape act that Harry Houdini himself would have
been proud of. Of course, if Houdini had actually been watching the game
he most likely would have said, "They're allowed to throw the ball!?"
(Fun fact that isn't true: Houdini died in 1926, before the advent of
the forward pass in American football) If we learned anything from that
comeback it's that Atlanta is a hard team to beat; in fact, since they
haven't lost yet this season it's fair to say that they're impossible to
beat. But do you know what Robert Griffin's favorite movie is? Neither
do I, though I think we can all agree if it were Mission: Impossible
that would wrap this up pretty nicely wouldn't it.
Cleveland @ New York Giants
I watched Lawrence Tynes' 54 yard field goal attempt fall painfully
short of the cross bar in the Giants' 19-17 loss to Philadelphia I
thought one thing, "Costanza Theorem." So far, picking against my
initial inclination in regards to the Giants has proven correct two
straight weeks, but now comes its biggest test, the Cleveland Browns.
That's the first time in years that the Browns have been the biggest
test for anything or anybody, and that includes when they scrimmage
against themselves, which shouldn't make sense but somehow it does (just
trust me ... please?). Clearly the Giants should win, so as dictated by
the Costanza Theorem I will pick Cleveland.
Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
the rare Pennsylvanian intrastate game. This one reminds me of the
Ryder Cup because it comes around only once every few years and it's
filled with people that make me ashamed to be an American. Speaking of
which, the Steelers expect to have James Harrison in the line-up for the
first time this season. That just may make the difference in this one
considering the difference for the Eagles has been razor thin so far
this year. They've won 3 games by a combined total of 4 points. They're
playing with fire, and they're libel to get burned, like the crotch of
so many a Ben Roethlisberger sexual partner.
Seattle @ Carolina
become clear that Seahawks are well aware of recent NFL history. They
know that the last two Super Bowl champions were 10-6 and 9-7,
respectively. So why bother racking up a bunch of wins during the
regular season, right? Yeah that must be it. That being said I think the
Hawks should go ahead and try to win this one. The NFL made that an
easier task by scheduling this game for the afternoon. The extra time
should help Pete Carroll cool down as he was clearly too jacked up last
week, forcing him to make multiple coaching errors. With PC's jacked
levels stabilized the Hawks should take this one.
Chicago @ Jacksonville
Bears looked very impressive in their Monday Night Football victory
over Dallas and they may, in fact, be headed to the top of the NFC. But
this week they're playing the Jaguars which means the only place they're
headed is ... The Corner Screen at the Shack!
Tennessee @ Minnesota
Vikings are 3-1 and atop the NFC North. If you had told me that before
the season I would have told you to go back to your time, you don't
belong in the past anymore, take your knowledge of the first month of
the 2012 NFL season and be gone. Or I might have simply shouted,
"Spoiler alert!" Whichever way you slice it, it's definitely a surprise,
but as the young season wears on it appears less and less like a fluke.
With the woeful Titans coming to town there's no reason to think that
Minnesota will take a step back. Well, there's one reason, but that might be asking too much of him at this point.
Denver @ New England
Manning/Brady rivalry is back! Yet, in a surprising turn of events, Eli
has become Brady's biggest nemesis in Peyton's absence. It's like that
part in Rudy when Rudy comes home to find that his scumbag older brother
has taken up with his girlfriend. Yep, that's exactly what it's like.
Last week the Patriots became the first team this season to top 50
points and the Broncos blew Oakland out by 31, unfortunately for these
teams you don't get to carry over extra points into the next game (the
NFL did away with that rule back in 1957). Of course, a home game
against the Raiders and a trip to New England are two entirely different
things, and while I'm confident that the Broncos are aware of that I'm
not sure that there's much they'll be able to about it.
Buffalo @ San Francisco
the Chris Berman Special! The Schwam picked this as his Super Bowl
match-up every preseason from 1992-99, and it was funny every single
time. It shouldn't be overlooked that the Bills run a West Coast offense
and this game is being played on the West Coast. On second thought,
yes, that should be overlooked as it will most likely make no
San Diego @ New Orleans
NFL has ruled that Sean Payton can now attend Saints games. I'm
guessing that we'll see improved play from a New Orleans team that will
be trying to impress their coach. Although this also may lead to
frustration when, for example, Payton is buying a hot dog and Drew Brees
looks into the stands mid-play and shouts, "Coach you're not watching!"
Odds are that won't happen more than a few times because Brees is a
pro, and honestly, I mean how many hot dogs could Payton possibly eat
during a game? I think the extra incentive will help get the Saints the
win; they deal well with incentives.
Houston @ New York Jets
Mark Sanchez led the Jets to zero points in their last outing many fans
are crying out for Tim Tebow to get in the game more, their argument
being how could he do worse than zero points? Obviously they haven't
heard about the best kept secret in the NFL: negative points. Speaking
of well kept secrets it's time for the Texans' undrafted running back
Arian Foster to introduce himself to the league and the nation on this
primetime stage. I'm telling you, keep an eye on this guy, he's got the
potential to lead the league in rushing one day.