NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Cincinnati

The Bengals' defense finally put a up a solid effort last week against the Jaguars. Go back and read the previous sentence, but pay extra attention to the last word. That's right, they were playing the Jaguars so their defense still has much to prove. This Sunday they'll be tasked with containing Brian Hartline who had more targets last week than Culver City. Just to be clear, there are 3 Targets in Culver City, which is 2 more than most cities but still nowhere near the amount of targets that Hartline, or many other receivers for that matter, had a week ago. I think the Cincy D will hold their own and keep the Dolphins' point total low, just like the low low prices at your nearest Target.

Bengals 27-19


Green Bay @ Indianapolis

Coming into last week at 1-2 the Packers were faced with something of a judgment day and Aaron Rodgers experienced a return to form reminiscent of the T1000 against New Orleans. As for Andrew Luck, he's turning heads as a rookie and making everyone say, "Have you seen this boy!?" Unfortunately for Luck the rest of this Colts team is making him understand why Indy fans cry. Expect Rodgers to have another big week.

Packers 35-20


Baltimore @ Kansas City

After getting their token win against the Saints in Week 3 the Chiefs returned to a losing form in a San Diegan thrashing, that is to say a thrashing by San Diego. With the Ravens coming to town don't expect much better from Kansas City, at least not until Kansas City starts expecting better from themselves. It's like, you're beautiful Kansas City, but no one's going to realize it until you do. I'm sorry you guys, it's just so damn frustrating.

Ravens 31-13


Atlanta @ Washington

In Week 4 the Falcons pulled an escape act that Harry Houdini himself would have been proud of. Of course, if Houdini had actually been watching the game he most likely would have said, "They're allowed to throw the ball!?" (Fun fact that isn't true: Houdini died in 1926, before the advent of the forward pass in American football) If we learned anything from that comeback it's that Atlanta is a hard team to beat; in fact, since they haven't lost yet this season it's fair to say that they're impossible to beat. But do you know what Robert Griffin's favorite movie is? Neither do I, though I think we can all agree if it were Mission: Impossible that would wrap this up pretty nicely wouldn't it.

Falcons 28-24


Cleveland @ New York Giants

As I watched Lawrence Tynes' 54 yard field goal attempt fall painfully short of the cross bar in the Giants' 19-17 loss to Philadelphia I thought one thing, "Costanza Theorem." So far, picking against my initial inclination in regards to the Giants has proven correct two straight weeks, but now comes its biggest test, the Cleveland Browns. That's the first time in years that the Browns have been the biggest test for anything or anybody, and that includes when they scrimmage against themselves, which shouldn't make sense but somehow it does (just trust me ... please?). Clearly the Giants should win, so as dictated by the Costanza Theorem I will pick Cleveland.

Browns 28-27


Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh

It's the rare Pennsylvanian intrastate game. This one reminds me of the Ryder Cup because it comes around only once every few years and it's filled with people that make me ashamed to be an American. Speaking of which, the Steelers expect to have James Harrison in the line-up for the first time this season. That just may make the difference in this one considering the difference for the Eagles has been razor thin so far this year. They've won 3 games by a combined total of 4 points. They're playing with fire, and they're libel to get burned, like the crotch of so many a Ben Roethlisberger sexual partner.

Steelers 24-20


Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Carolina

It's become clear that Seahawks are well aware of recent NFL history. They know that the last two Super Bowl champions were 10-6 and 9-7, respectively. So why bother racking up a bunch of wins during the regular season, right? Yeah that must be it. That being said I think the Hawks should go ahead and try to win this one. The NFL made that an easier task by scheduling this game for the afternoon. The extra time should help Pete Carroll cool down as he was clearly too jacked up last week, forcing him to make multiple coaching errors. With PC's jacked levels stabilized the Hawks should take this one.

Seahawks 22-13  


Chicago @ Jacksonville

The Bears looked very impressive in their Monday Night Football victory over Dallas and they may, in fact, be headed to the top of the NFC. But this week they're playing the Jaguars which means the only place they're headed is ... The Corner Screen at the Shack!

Bears 23-16


Tennessee @ Minnesota

The Vikings are 3-1 and atop the NFC North. If you had told me that before the season I would have told you to go back to your time, you don't belong in the past anymore, take your knowledge of the first month of the 2012 NFL season and be gone. Or I might have simply shouted, "Spoiler alert!" Whichever way you slice it, it's definitely a surprise, but as the young season wears on it appears less and less like a fluke. With the woeful Titans coming to town there's no reason to think that Minnesota will take a step back. Well, there's one reason, but that might be asking too much of him at this point.

Vikings 28-17


Denver @ New England

The Manning/Brady rivalry is back! Yet, in a surprising turn of events, Eli has become Brady's biggest nemesis in Peyton's absence. It's like that part in Rudy when Rudy comes home to find that his scumbag older brother has taken up with his girlfriend. Yep, that's exactly what it's like. Last week the Patriots became the first team this season to top 50 points and the Broncos blew Oakland out by 31, unfortunately for these teams you don't get to carry over extra points into the next game (the NFL did away with that rule back in 1957). Of course, a home game against the Raiders and a trip to New England are two entirely different things, and while I'm confident that the Broncos are aware of that I'm not sure that there's much they'll be able to about it.

Patriots 30-20


Buffalo @ San Francisco

It's the Chris Berman Special! The Schwam picked this as his Super Bowl match-up every preseason from 1992-99, and it was funny every single time. It shouldn't be overlooked that the Bills run a West Coast offense and this game is being played on the West Coast. On second thought, yes, that should be overlooked as it will most likely make no difference.

49ers 27-13


Sunday Night

San Diego @ New Orleans

The NFL has ruled that Sean Payton can now attend Saints games. I'm guessing that we'll see improved play from a New Orleans team that will be trying to impress their coach. Although this also may lead to frustration when, for example, Payton is buying a hot dog and Drew Brees looks into the stands mid-play and shouts, "Coach you're not watching!" Odds are that won't happen more than a few times because Brees is a pro, and honestly, I mean how many hot dogs could Payton possibly eat during a game? I think the extra incentive will help get the Saints the win; they deal well with incentives.

Saints 34-27  


Monday Night

Houston @ New York Jets

After Mark Sanchez led the Jets to zero points in their last outing many fans are crying out for Tim Tebow to get in the game more, their argument being how could he do worse than zero points? Obviously they haven't heard about the best kept secret in the NFL: negative points. Speaking of well kept secrets it's time for the Texans' undrafted running back Arian Foster to introduce himself to the league and the nation on this primetime stage. I'm telling you, keep an eye on this guy, he's got the potential to lead the league in rushing one day.

Texans 24-10