NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Dawn

New York Giants @ Los Angeles

New York vs LA, the classic East Coast/West Coast battle, so it only makes sense hat it should be played in ... London? Not only that, but the game is kicking off at 6:30am Pacific time, which doesn't seem fair for the Rams' rabid? No ... Passionate? No ... Newly existent LA fan base. For those of us who do wake up in time to catch some of this game we'll probably see Odell Beckham, Jr. continue his ongoing bits with the kicking net that are only funny to him at this point. Though if he brings out a veil for the net and puts on a tuxedo dickie for a mock wedding I'll have to give him credit. After that though he'll only have one logical place to go with it, and it will be the sight of Beckham consummating his marriage to the kicking net that will finally end the NFL's relationship with London.

Rams 27-22


Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Kansas City

When I picked the Chiefs to lose a close game last week I forgot that they were coming off a bye week and that Andy Reid is nearly unstoppable when he's had a week off. It makes sense, Reid seems like a guy that really enjoys vacation. Can't you just imagine him by a beach with a Hawaiian shirt on sippin' a cool, tropical drink out of a coconut as a single bead of sweat trickles down his forehead; he considers brushing it away but then thinks to himself, "Hey, why sweat it?" He lets out a slight chuckle and considers telling his wife, but then decides against it, she'd just offer a courtesy laugh that is actually more insulting than if she'd done nothing at all, and he suspects she knows that, which is probably why she does it. This vacation was supposed to fix everything but instead it's just magnifying it. "Speaking of magnifying I feel like a goddamn ant with a sadistic kid roasting me on the sidewalk out here," Andy thinks. Maybe he should take his shirt off? Sure it would be embarrassing, but his wife would be even more embarrassed, and that would make it worthwhile. Anyway, can't you just imagine that? Maybe it's just me. The Chiefs may be rounding into form and I think we'll see them slow down the Saints' potentially potent offense.

Chiefs 30-19

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Yuck, another AFC South game between two losing teams ... wait the Titans are 3-3? When did this happen? I'm not going to blame myself for being surprised since their consecutive wins have come against the Dolphins and Browns in games that I legitimately don't thing I've seen one snap of. Now you might say that that seems unprofessional of me, to which I would counter: good, I'm not getting paid for this (and I'm not very accurate) so I don't have to act like a professional. Speaking of not acting like a professional, most of the Colts suck, so I'll pick the hot(?) team.

Titans 28-20


Minnesota @ Philadelphia

It's Minny vs. Philly. Do you think somewhere on Sunday there will be two old ladies watching this game together named Minny and Philly? Yeah, me neither. That was a dumb idea, right? Ha haaaaa ... God I want for it to happen so badly! But Minny is an Eagles fan and Philly is a Vikings fan! Can you imagine it?!? Carson Wentz has been solid all year, but this will be the first top 10 defense he's faced, and I think it will give Wentz ... fits. Wait, that doesn't rhyme. Shit.

Vikings 19-13 


Cleveland @ Cincinnati

Look, we've all had a fun time goofing on the Browns this season, but I gotta admit, I don't think they're actually the worst team in the league. Sure they have the worst record, but look at their point differential ... Second worst! Ok so yeah, they're bad, but at some point they're going to win a game; maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but someday (and that day will be next Sunday, 10/30 when they play the Jets).

Bengals 27-17


Washington @ Detroit

Last week the Lions held a halftime ceremony to celebrate the 25th anniversary of their 1991 team. You're probably assuming that that team won the Super Bowl or at least went to it, right? No, in fact, Detroit has never been to a Super Bowl. Those 1991 honorees won the Central division and lost in the NFC title game. Probably the main reason they were celebrated in such a fashion is that they represent the closest a Lions team has ever been to the Super Bowl. That begs the question, should this really have been a celebration? I feel like if I were a Detroit fan in attendance I would have finished applauding the '91 squad and then just broke down in tears. It was a savvy move though from the Lions PR staff to not hold said celebration this week when they're playing the franchise that beat them 41-10 in that aforementioned NFC title game. Again, the team that was honored lost the NFC title game 41-10. The fact that this game is being played in Detroit makes it a toss up for me. I'm going to take the Lions if for nothing more than I don't think Washington is good enough to have a 5-2 record.

Lions 27-24


Oakland @ Jacksonville

This game feels like an Intercontinental Title match between two young up and comers where you know both guys are going places in the future. Then again, I'm not totally sure about the Jaguars yet, so maybe they're the Marty Jannetty to the Raiders' Shawn Michaels. You guys watched early '90s WWF right? I don't have to explain any of this to you? Good. Oakland stumbled last week but now they go back on the road where they're undefeated this season. Look for them to keep it going and take the IC title on to Survivor Series.

Raiders 30-28


Buffalo @ Miami

After scuffling to an 0-2 start the Bills are now 4-2 on the year, which begs the question: Is Buffalo good? My answer is a resounding "Yeah probably." Did you know that they have the largest point differential in the league right now? If you said yes I'm just going to assume that you're lying, so I'm not even sure why I asked. They should get another win this Sunday even without LeSean McCoy or Tom Brady. McCoy's absence should be the only one that impacts this game though considering that Brady never plays for the Bills. 

Bills 24-17

Baltimore @ New York Jets

As I said earlier I'm not totally sure that the Browns are the worst team in the league, regardless of the fact they're the only winless squad left. So who's worse? The Jets, that's who. Of course they could easily jump up and get the Ravens this week because this league rarely makes sense. But when we're dealing with Ryan Fitzpatrick I feel like we can safely say that ... What's that? Geno Smith is starting at QB? Trying to figure out if that's any better ... Probably not.

Ravens 29-21


Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco

Colin Kaepernick returned to the field last Sunday, and it was everything we thought it would be. Which means that there were some flashes of excitement but ultimately he ended up completing less than half his passes and the Niners took the loss. The Bucs also had a predictable week, going on a bye just as I and many other pundits prognosticated. I can usually nail when a time will go on their bye within a week or two. Something else that's very predictable is the Niners run D; it's consistently awful. People haven't had this much success rushing on San Francisco since the prospectors that the team is named for. I expect this trend to continue and Tampa's running game to find gold ... GOLD!

Buccaneers 33-23


San Diego @ Atlanta

Watching the Chargers nearly blow another game in truly ridiculous fashion last Thursday was quite the unique experience. During that fourth quarter was the first time I could ever remember fully expecting a team to recover their own onside kick. And when the Broncos successfully did so I don't think anybody was shocked. That's the special thing about the 2016 San Diego Chargers, they make the impossible possible. They do it through spectacular failures, but hey they're still spectacular. San Diego faces a tough test this week in the 4-2 Falcons, though I think Atlanta's last game exposed their fatal flaw: Julio Jones is not very good at catching balls with one hand. Take away one or both of his arms and you can make some hay against these guys. However, I'm not sure San Diego has a defense capable of executing such a complex scheme, so I'll go with Atlanta here. It'll be close though, because of course it will.

Falcons 31-28


New England @ Pittsburgh

I was all set to anoint this game a Triple P (Possible Playoff Preview), in fact in the preseason I predicted it would be the AFC title game, but now Ben Roethlisberger is out for at least 4 weeks and we have to reconsider everything. More specifically everything regarding the Steelers, not everything. Don't make any life changing decisions because Landry Jones will be starting for Pittsburgh for a month or so. The only thing working in the Steelers' favor here is that Bill Belichick seems obsessed with his hatred for the NFL mandated Microsoft tablets. He recently spent five minutes expounding on his distaste for the device. It's possible that he'll become so frustrated with his tablet on the sideline this Sunday that he decides to go with a desktop computer to get the job done. However, it will take well into the 3rd quarter to actually set it up, distracting Belichick from the real task at hand. Even with their coach busy setting up his Norton's account and choosing his default internet browser New England should get the win in this one.

Patriots 30-16


Sunday Night

Seattle @ Arizona

Obviously I'll seem biased regarding this game, so let's get some fair and balanced analysis from the best in the biz Cris Collinsworth:

Hmm, couldn't help but notice that you didn't really make a definitive pick there CriColl. I guess it's up to me then.

Seahawks 23-16 


Monday Night

Houston @ Denver

I'd just like to take a minute to address the Texans' 26-23 OT win from last Sunday strictly to point out that I predicted that they'd tie the Colts 26-26. It's probably best for you that I narrowly missed, because if I had correctly predicted a tie WITH the exact score I would've mentioned it every week in perpetuity. As is, I'll only bring it up this once (not at all a binding promise). After consecutive sluggish losses the Broncos no longer seem the imposing force that they were through the first month of the season. As for the Texans, well they've proven they can win at home (4-0) but have yet to prove anything on the road. Granted both of their away games to date have been tough match-ups (NE, MIN), but it's not as if this one is much easier. I'm sure some will be interested to see how Brock Osweiler performs in his return to Denver, but personally I won't be interested in another Houston game until 12/11 when they play at Indianapolis and I get another chance at that tie.

Broncos 20-13

NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

Chicago @ Green Bay

The Packers suffered a troubling home loss to the Cowboys last week, but there's good news: the Bears are coming to their house! Now that can mean different things in different situations. For instance, If you live in the woods, it's a frightening proposition. But if you've been on Craigslist and are looking to try something new, you're probably excited if not a bit trepidatious. In 2016 NFL parlance, the Bears coming to your house can only be considered cause for celebration. This game won't solve all of Green Bay's problems, but just like those bears you found on Craigslist, it should provide at least one night of fun.

Packers 27-17

NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Buffalo

This week all the talk regarding this game has been about Colin Kaepernick getting his first start in nearly a year. And while that is an interesting storyline I'm more excited that we get the rare opportunity to see Chris Berman's perennial Super Bowl pick come to fruition. For those of you who don't know, Berman predicted a Niners/Bills Super Bowl prior to nearly every season in the 90's. It never actually happened, but I have to think this will be some consolation to the Schwam, who will no doubt be looking down this Sunday and smiling. No, not because he's dead, because he watches all Bills game from a blimp hovering above Ralph Wilson Stadium.

Bills 30-13


Philadelphia @ Washington

I finally picked the Eagles to win a game last week and they promptly suffered their first loss of the season in Detroit. I almost feel like I can't trust this group of people that I've never met. To be fair they only lost by 1, but it was against a Lions team that probably isn't as good as the one they're up against this week. Seeing as how the NFL always makes sense, Washington is almost guaranteed the win. It's the transitive property folks and it never lies. Then again, as you already know, NFL legend Vince Lombardi always said, "Fuck the transitive property," so this one is anybody's guess.

Redskins 23-20


Cleveland @ Tennessee

There is no escape if you're a Browns quarterback. You will get hurt. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy. They've used four different QBs so far, including two who both suffered injuries last week. Cleveland quarterbacks have had the crap kicked out of them so much this season that it's no wonder they decided to wear brown pants last week. Cody Kessler is supposedly healthy enough to make the start this week, and the fact that the Browns are actually relieved by that tells you all you need to know.

Titans 27-16


Baltimore @ New York Giants

This one is what I call a ski race because both teams are going downhill (ZING!). Also because there's a chance that a yeti will run onto the field and eat all the players a la Ski Free. My guess is that Flacco and Manning will trade mistakes late and the game will ultimately come down to who wants it more. That team will lose because they're too desperate. The cooler, more laid back team that couldn't care less will win cuz they got chill. Surprisingly that will be the one with Odell Beckham, Jr. on it.

Giants 26-23


Carolina @ New Orleans

The Panthers say they aren't concerned about Cam Newton riding around Charlotte on a scooter. They should be. And I'm not even referring to his safety, I'm referring to the fact that he looks like a dork. This guy is the face of their franchise and he's cruising around on a bobo Segway dressed like an Australian's nightmare. On Sunday he'll be welcomed back from a concussion by the Saints' defense, which is actually a nice transition back to facing an actual NFL opponent. Seriously, my dog could shred the New Orleans D. That's less an indictment of the Saints and more just a prediction that (most) NFL players would feel weird tackling a dog.

Panthers 39-31


Jacksonville @ Chicago

Just when you want to write off the Jaguars they beat the Colts in London and make you think, "Yeah they're still pretty lousy, but they play in the AFC South, so ya never know ... Hey, What was the name of the deaf American Gladiator?" Your mind was really wandering that day. It's true though, there's a chance that Jacksonville could be a half game out of first in their division after Sunday, and if that's not motivation enough to beat Chicago then maybe the fact that Blake Bortles' parents were eaten by bears (in a bizarre dream I had, I should clarify) will do the trick. I'll pick Jacksonville in a wild n' sloppy one. Oh and the name of the deaf American Gladiator was Siren; kind of messed up really.

Jaguars 27-24


Los Angeles @ Detroit

Last Sunday, with under four minutes to play and his team trailing by 4 Jeff Fisher called for a fake punt that ultimately failed and left the Bills at the Rams' 25 yard line. Buffalo went on to score a touchdown that for all intents and purposes ended the game. So what was Fisher thinking? Is there any chance he's just tired of coaching and would rather be fired and receive the remainder of his contract to sit at home? What I'm saying is, I think he's trying to get fired, he's pulling a Costanza. Remember that Seinfeld episode in which George was attempting to get fired from the Yankees? It's hard to tell if that's exactly what's happening here, but if Fisher shows up to the postgame press conference sloppily eating strawberries in one of Deacon Jones' game worn jerseys I think we'll have our answer.

Lions 20-17


Pittsburgh @ Miami

After being embarrassed by their intrastate counterparts in Week 3 the Steelers have murdered their last two opponents. Not literally of course, though it is a bit conspicuous that Mike Tomlin took out a large life insurance policy on both the Chiefs and the Jets before their games against them. Look, I'm not saying these slaughters were premeditated, but I've heard multiple reports that the Steelers were practicing something in the days leading up to both of those games. Something nefarious? Who am I to say. Just don't be shocked if the Dolphins wash up on the Atlantic shore Monday morning.

Steelers 34-20


Cincinnati @ New England

Now that Tom Brady is officially back can we talk about his mattress commercial in which he's definitely about to participate in some sort of twisted sex trafficking scenario? See for yourself:

The only way this could be creepier is if he were wearing a masquerade mask. Why do you need a secluded, subterranean room with no windows and only a bed Tom Brady? Is it for sleeping? Well then why are there no sheets on the bed?!? Something really messed up is about to go down here. Also, why the hell is Tom Brady doing a mattress commercial?

Patriots 30-20


Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ Oakland

The Raiders just keep winning close games. Here are their victory margins so far: 1, 7, 1, 3. This could mean a few different things: they're not quite as good as their 4-1 record would indicate, they have the mental strength to win close games, or they're adrenaline junkies who thrive on intense late-game situations; the Bodhi's of the NFL. I like to think it's the last one. And if that is the case then we may see them go out in a blaze of glory at some point this season, maybe trying to surf to their game in Jacksonville next week. However this week in another close one. Alex Smith will have a chance to mount a late comeback, but he's not coming back ...

Raiders 28-27


Atlanta @ Seattle

Atlanta coach Dan Quinn went to the NFL before the season and requested consecutive away games for his team's longest road trips of the year so that he could keep the team out west and avoid as many long flights as possible. And the NFL obliged with this Denver/Seattle combo. What?!? Coaches can just do that now? Where do they draw the line? Could a West coast team request no 10am starts? What about a coach with a roster full of party animals asking for all night games to avoid hangover effects? Or maybe some sneaky bastard (Belichick) requesting all home games. Obviously none of that would happen, but I'm surprised this Atlanta situation did too. Quinn will be punished for his hubris come Sunday.

Seahawks 31-17


Dallas @ Green Bay

With the success of Dak Prescott we're hearing the same question pop up everywhere: should he relinquish the starting quarterback job once Tony Romo is healthy? To me the real question is what's with this Trump character? Am I right?!? But if we're talking specifically about the Cowboys I say you play the hot hand. If Prescott keeps winning keep him in. Some would argue that you can't lose your job to injury. Drew Bledsoe would probably be one of those people. He's still saying it to anyone who will listen. But the truth is, in this economy no one is safe. One Dallas rookie who most certainly has his starting spot assured is the NFL's leading rusher Ezekiel Elliott. This week he faces a Packers rush defense that has given up only 42 yards per game so far, so definitely keep an eye on the match-up. Do want you want with your other eye ya perv. I'll take Green Bay to win, but only because they're still at home.

Packers 24-21


Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Houston

Let's check in with the best color commentator in the game and get his thoughts on this week's Sunday Night Football game:

Good news CC, Goin' South is still available online! Before the season I predicted that these teams would tie each other in one of their two match-ups this season. Here's opportunity number one!

TIE 26-26


Monday Night

New York Jets @ Arizona

New York looks like a lifeless team and we're only five games into the season. And now the Jets have run into a bunch of birds. Hmm, jets running into birds. You thinking what I'm thinking? There's only one man who can rescue them now. Only one man that can grab the reins of these Jets that are in a free fall only minutes into their flight and steer them toward safety. And that one man? You guessed it: Sully. Now I'm not sure if he has any football knowledge or in what capacity he could help the team, but now that the buzz around his movie has died down he needs a new way to stay in the cultural spotlight. What better way than saving more Jets from New York? Never mind, that's a really dumb idea. Arizona will win by a lot.

Cardinals 31-16

NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

Denver @ San Diego

Last week I wondered what sort of fourth quarter malady would befall the Chargers next and settled on a last-second Hail Mary. It turned out to be a botched hold on a potentially game-tying field goal, a play that prompted an exasperated Philip Rivers to exclaim, "We're the bad news bears man," from the sideline. At least the Bad News Bears' manager gave them post game beers. I doubt Mike McCoy was handing out any cold ones in the locker room on Sunday, and if he was it was probably Caguama or some Belgian shit. Either way, there's no end in sight for this team's streak of confounding finishes. This week's guess: multiple Denver defensive touchdowns in the last 10 minutes followed by troubled local youth Kelly Leak ripping into the stadium on his motorbike and offering his services at QB. McCoy will oblige and give him a try and Leak will decline to wear a helmet or pads of any kind because he's a total badass. Unfortunately that hubris will be his undoing as on his first drop back he'll be obliterated by Von Miller and SERIOUSLY injured. The incident will make the NFL reexamine its rule which allows kids that look tough enough to handle the action play in games.

Broncos 27-20

NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

New England @ Cleveland

It's been a hard luck season for the Browns, they lost their top two quarterbacks to injury, they're the only winless team in the league, and the referees aren't even willing to believe that they could recover their own fumble. But now they finally a break for Cleveland, they get to face the New England Patriots who are starting yet another new quarterback, their third in the first five weeks. When will Belichick finally settle on one guy and end this turmoil? I mean after losing 16-0 at home to the Bills I don't blame him for wanting to make another switch, but who's to say this new guy will be the answer? Fortunately for New England, even with poor quarterback play they should be able to get by the Browns. 

Patriots 30-16

Philadelphia @ Detroit

Two weeks ago I mistakenly said that Carson Wentz would be making his home debut in the Eagles Week 3 match-up against the Steelers. It was an embarrassing gaffe for a writer that prides himself on accuracy and truth. So I apologize and promise to do better in the future. Philadelphia comes into this game at 4-0, with Wentz having thrown an impressive three touchdowns in last week's victory over the Houston Oilers. Now they travel to Detroit to take on a Lions squad that has looked rather toothless of late. The Eagles should get the win here, or rather they better, because their schedule gets more difficult soon, including a late season trip to Baltimore to take on the Colts.

Eagles 22-17

Chicago @ Indianapolis

For the first time ever a team is being forced to play the week after traveling to London. Coincidentally enough that team is the Colts, who are playing in the game we're about to discuss. Good thing I brought it up, huh? This travel schedule doesn't seem fair, especially considering that the Colts have been lousy. When you combine lousy with jet-lag, things could get ugly. I'm guessing the Colts will show up to the stadium late, strapping their gear on as they scramble onto the field for the opening kickoff, then start running the wrong way once the game begins because, as everyone knows, the field goes the other way in England. All of this confusion will be too much to overcome, even against a subpar Chicago squad.

Bears 27-24

Tennessee @ Miami

You know that emoji that's just the straight-faced guy, no smile, no frown? That's the face I made when I looked at this match-up. The NFL could just issue a press release assuring us all that this game did indeed happen, make up stats and a final score and we'd all be fine with it. And with a Hurricane Matthew in the area that wouldn't be a bad idea. Of course, it would all be a lie though, it didn't happen ... unless it did. We'll never know because none of us tried to watch it. It's Schrodinger's game, if we never turn it on how can we be certain whether Ryan Tannehill is alive or dead? Ok, maybe it's more like the tree in the forest. But somebody should probably check on Ryan Tannehill. 

Dolphins 24-20

Washington @ Baltimore

 Oh baby, it's one of the NFL's classic quadrennial regional rivalries. Don't know what quadrennial means? Look it up, I just had to. It was in this match-up in 2012 when RG3 took a hit to the knee from Haloti Ngata that was the inciting incident of Griffin's career derailment. This begs the question: what sort of franchise altering play will occur this Sunday? My guess is that Terrell Suggs will sack Kirk Cousins, breaking his nose and unleashing a torrent of blood that will cover Cousins' face. As Washington owner Daniel Snyder stares down at his quarterback's red skin he'll think, "Maybe our team name is offensive." Cousins will stay in the game, refuse to clean himself off, and proceed to have a beastly performance. Inspired by his quarterback's play Snyder will officially change the team name to the Washington Bloody Savages. 

Ravens 30-27


Houston @ Minnesota

The Vikings' new stadium is modeled after an actual viking ship, to the extent that it is constantly floating on one of Minnesota's 10,000 lakes. The bad news for the Texans is that Brock Osweiler regularly gets motion sickness. It's pretty much guaranteed that he'll barf all over the place throughout the game. At first it will be funny (if not hilarious) but eventually he'll vomit so much that everyone will get pretty concerned. Houston coach Bill O'Brien won't take him out though, because ya know, it's a pretty big game, but like most of us he'll feel pretty bummed out about. 

Vikings 20-13

New York Jets @ Pittsburgh

Ryan Fitzpatrick has thrown 9 picks in his last two games. He's become so prolific at throwing interceptions that I think we should coin a new phrase. Every time he tosses three picks in one game we'll call it a FitzHatTrick. Get that hashtag ready, because he's definitely going to do it again this season, if not this week. And the best part is that the Jets don't really have the option of putting in their backup quarterback, because that man is Geno Smith. Now for some bad news, I just checked and #FitzHatTrick has been used on Twitter before, but I didn't know that when I bought of it, and the guys that used it look way lamer than me, so we're gonna keep rolling with it.

Steelers 32-18

Sunday Afternoon 

Atlanta @ Denver

It's a rematch of Super Bowl XXXIII and a possible preview of Super Bowl LI? Ok maybe I'm being a bit premature ... Not that that's normal for me, whoever told you that is lying! One of the top defenses in the league going up against what is statistically the best offense in the league so far this season. So who's gonna give? Me, to charity, regularly. But that's not important, let's not discuss that here. I don't do it for the recognition, that's not what it's about. In fact, I wish you guys hadn't even found out, but whatever it's public knowledge now. I think Denver's D finds a way to slow down the prolific Atlanta offense.

Broncos 23-20

Cincinnati @ Dallas

The Cowboys are a somewhat surprising 3-1. Some would claim that that record is a product of their as of yet weak schedule. But hey, they can only play the teams that are on there, not to mention that the other guys are professionals too, so fair is fair. And when I say "professionals" I mean professional football players, though it would be interesting to see the Cowboys play against a group of people from a different line of work. 53 accountants? I'll take Dallas. 53 doctors? Yeah, still Dallas. But 53 magicians? That's a whole other story. Can you imagine the sleight of hand? They'd run the best play-action passes we've ever seen! They would certainly give new meaning to the term "misdirection." For all we know the quarterback would disappear from an oncoming pass rush and reappear in the end zone. I really want this to happen now. It probably won't though, or at least not this week. Instead, the Bengals come to town and should present the Cowboys with their toughest test yet, a test Dallas probably won't pass. 

Bengals 26-21

Buffalo @ Los Angeles

Bills coach Rex Ryan intimated that he had an inside source who tipped him off to the fact that Jimmy Garropolo wouldn't be starting last Sunday. He then revealed that he was merely "BSing" but that he loves that he stirred the pot. He knows it's not an actual pot right? I'm worried that he might think he's getting food out of this somehow. the Rams are 3-1 thanks to a stout defense and just enough offense. However, I think the Bills have just enough defense to hold that just enough offense to just few enough points to escape from L.A. with a win.

Bills 13-10


San Diego @ Oakland

The Raiders won yet another close road game last Sunday, putting them at 3-0 away from home this season. Now they return to Oakland where they're ... hmm, 0-1. Meanwhile the Chargers continue to blow games late in increasingly ridiculous fashion. So either we'll see Oakland win on a Hail Mary or San Diego will hold it together for at least part of the 4th quarter and get the win. Something's telling me it'll be the latter. 

Chargers 31-28


Sunday Night 

New York Giants @ Green Bay

Last week was drama-filled yet again for the Giants while the Packers were resting at home their bye week. Let's kick it to Cris Collinsworth to get his two cents on this match-up:

CriColl always bringing that fresh take.

Packers 31-21


Monday Night 

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Thank god this game isn't being played in Tampa. In back to back weeks they've had home games delayed by severe weather. The biggest loser in this? The Tampa Bay Lightning. Talk about bad press, the NHL season hasn't even started yet and everybody's pissed about the Tampa Bay lightning, not the Lightning, but one could be forgiven for not differentiating between the two. I assume Cam Newton will be ready to go for this game, and even if he doesn't I'll stick with Carolina.

Panthers 27-17

NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Arizona @ San Francisco

It's been a bad past seven days for Cardinals in general. Arizona fell to a shocking 1-3 mark with a home loss to the Rams, Louisville and the Stanford Cardinal (close enough) suffered their first losses of the college football season in big time match-ups, and St. Louis was officially eliminated from National League wild card contention. Not to mention that cardinal I had to shoot in my backyard. Oh don't look so offended, it was within 20 feet of my back door, I was well within my legal right to take action. You trying to tell me that that bird wouldn't have shot me if he'd had the chance?!? Of course he would. It would have been some weird little bird gun though, so I probably would've just shrugged it off and stomped him to death anyway, but that's besides the point. The NFL's Cardinals of Arizona are now in a hole that they're no doubt anxious to claw their way out of. They should probably fly their way out instead because it would be a lot quicker. However, doing anything through the air will be very challenging with Drew Stanton starting at quarterback in place of a concussed Carson Palmer. That being said, the 49ers have been so bad against the run (worst in the league, in fact) that a heavy dose of David Johnson should be enough for Arizona to get out of Levi's Stadium with a win.

Cardinals 23-17 

NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Dawn

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

Well Jags, I'd love to say it's been fun, but I can't. In fact, it's been pretty lame. I'm setting a reminder in my calendar for the last week of August 2017 to read: "DON'T PICK JAGS TO MAKE PLAYOFFS" I'm also setting a reminder for a random date that says, "When you meet Roger do not believe his lies." I'm guessing I'll forget that I wrote it and maybe assume it's been sent to me from the future. It should make my next encounter with a Roger VERY interesting. Ya know what, screw it, what could one more week on the Jacksonville bandwagon hurt? Don't answer that.

Jaguars 24-23

Sunday Morning

Tennessee @ Houston

On paper this is an easy one to pick. Problem is I don't make these picks on paper, I'm all cyber baby! Also, it should be clear to you by now that regardless of the format none of these picks are easy to make. It's been pretty ugly so far. Not John Lackey ugly, but almost. I'm just thankful that the bye weeks have finally arrived to give me some sweet relief. Not only do I get to pick fewer games but I can also use the energy that I would've allotted for the 16th game and concentrate double on one match-up. Oh it's not this one. Is that what you thought I meant? God no, not this stinker. In fact, I didn't pay much attention to this game at all. I mostly just attempted to make up punch lines to non-existent jokes. So far all I've got is Osweiler? I hardly knew her. 

Texans 20-17

Cleveland @ Washington

Look I know I give the Browns a hard time, but they've actually had consecutive close losses in which they had legitimate chances to win. So at times I wonder if I'm being to hard on them. Then I remember that their team name is the color of poop and I know I'm doing the right thing. However, for one week they won't have the most ridiculous nickname on the field, so they can hang orange(?) hats on that. Now if their name were the Brownskins, well then ... Ya know what let's forget I even posited that. Too late? Joke's on you, because I happen to have a delete key on this ... Wait where the hell did my delete key go? This isn't good. Hopefully I dorn't have any typos. Shit!

Redskins 30-21


Seattle @ New York Jets

Ryan Fitzpatrick had an abysmal game last Sunday. He threw six picks and the Jets were none the richer ... Yes I did it. And ya know what? I did it years ago when I posted my Week 6 picks for that season. Look, I only get so many chances to make that reference, and I'm sure as hell not going to let one pass me by. This week Fitzy ol' boy goes up against a Seahawks team who, while limiting opposing offenses' point totals, has only generated one turnover this season. Something's gotta give. It's the unstrippable force meeting the removable object. In this cosmic battle I'll go with Fitzpatrick's propensity for propagating opponent possessions as the prevailing presence and in turn take Seattle. 

Seahawks 16-10

Buffalo @ New England

Another week and another impressive win from the Patriots. Though it may have been another costly win, as backup to the backup quarterback Jacoby Brissett was diagnosed with a sprained thumb after the contest. It might be unfair of us to continue to be suspicious of Bill Belichick (just kidding it's definitely warranted) but I'm starting to suspect that he's rooting for, and possibly even causing, these injuries to his quarterbacks. With each victory by yet another new substitute his coaching acumen becomes even more unassailable. We'll know for sure that he's up to something when Brissett doesn't show up on the field this Sunday not because of his thumb but because he's been tied up with sweatshirt drawstrings in the locker room. I don't care who plays QB for them, I'm not picking against New England until I see something on the field that compels me to.

Patriots 24-17

Carolina @ Atlanta

Is it time to start believing in Atlanta? I don't know I mean a whole city that exists under the sea? Sounds like bull shit to me. Hmm, seems I misunderstood the question; strange since I was the one asking it. Anyway, more to the point, should we believe in this Falcons team? They're 2-1 and the offense is humming. Then again, they're giving up about 30 points a game, so it's hard to fully get behind them, unless you're a wide receiver, in which case it's quite easy. They should be up for this game though and I see them edging Carolina in a wild one.

Falcons 30-27

Oakland @ Baltimore

The Ravens have stunned us all by jumping out to a 3-0 record. Many aren't buying their success, pointing to their weak schedule and the fact that they haven't won a game by more than 6. But couldn't you say that that simply means they know how to win close games? Is that something you could say? Like would you mind saying it out loud right now? Just see what happens. Oh shit, that guy's looking at you and he seems PISSED. Shut your computer and get the hell out of there! Run! No there's no time to do a proper shutdown, just shut the damn thing and move you nimrod! Ok phew, I think we're in the clear, you moved pretty fast, gotta say I'm kind of impressed. There's no way he could've kept uuhhhh NOPE HE FOLLOWED YOU HE'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU. Hey man I gotta go, good luck!

Raiders 24-23

Detroit @ Chicago

These are the bottom two teams in the NFC North, so ya know what that means ... It's a Basement Battle. Little known fact: whenever two cellar dwellers play each other they do so in the basement of the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Gullible viewers are easily fooled into thinking things are business as usual by the CGI stadium and crowd, but savvy fans will be on the lookout for players dodging unused busts as they make their way down the field. You see sometimes the Hall of Fame is so certain that a player will go on to a great career that they get a jump on things and create a bust for said prospect. Every so often this practice proves to be premature and the HOF tosses the bust's bust down in the basement. Last season in a Jags/Titans game Marcus Mariota narrowly avoided an injury when he barely dodged Neil O'Donnell's bronze head.

Lions 34-20

Sunday Afternoon

Denver @ Tampa Bay

Trevor Siemian continues to impress as Denver's new quarterback. Meanwhile, last week against Los Angeles, Tampa's quarterback Jameis Winston ran 5 yards past the line of scrimmage on the game's final play before he finally stopped pump-faking and decided to tuck it and run. I've seen the downfield pump-fake work on occasion, but this was the last play of the game, and it's common knowledge that when the ball passes the line of scrimmage on the final play the sideline official javelin tosses his yard marker onto the field (behind the play for safety reasons), rips off his vest, and runs screaming from the field like it was the last day of school. So once the Rams defenders saw this they knew they had Winston right where they wanted him. Against Denver's defense one can only expect Winston to be even more confused.

Broncos 27-17

Los Angeles @ Arizona

The Rams put up 37 points last week after amassing 9 total in their previous two games. How did they do it? I'm not sure. Why did they do it? I'm convinced it was just to fuck with me. Look, how am I supposed to pick scores when they don't make any sense? This isn't fair. I wish I could just quit. But I know I can't do that to you folks. Where else would you get weekly score predictions for every NFL game? Oh yeah, there are thousands of other options. Well whatever, I'm not going to stop because then the Rams of the world win, and that's something I just can't sit by and let happen. Also I bought this domain name for the next 10 years and I'm paying through the nose for it. Arizona should be desperate for a win, but hopefully not too desperate because then Chad will never call them back.

Cardinals 33-19

New Orleans @ San Diego

After their first two home games the Saints are giving up an average of 40 points inside the Superdome. Luckily for them this game is being played in San Diego, though in recent years Qualcomm has been flooded with opposing fans, making it seem like a home game for the visiting team. But if the Saints think they're playing at home they're libel to give up 40 points. They're in a tight spot. The obvious solution is to host a free pregame gumbo feed for all Saints fans in the parking lot. Of course, the gumbo will be mildly poisoned and send all those who ingest it straight to the porta-potty or possibly the hospital. Will there be fatalities? In a few extreme cases, yes. But it's a small price to pay to ensure that the team plays well. And really, if you're not willing to die for your team what kind of fan are you? Knowing the ineptitude of the Saints' front office though they probably won't do this and it will cost them the game.

Chargers 38-28

Dallas @ San Francisco

Dez Bryant has a hairline fracture in his right knee but was still hopeful that he'd be able to play this Sunday. I say he should've gone for it, what's the worst that could happen playing on a hairline fracture? I was going to link to the video Kevin Ware breaking his leg in the NCAA tournament but decided to spare you all. I am a benevolent soul. But my point was that they did discover that he was playing on a hairline fracture at the time, so the clip would've been relevant ... Maybe I should link to it ... How else will we learn if we do not use our past to teach us? Ok fine, I'll just link to this instead, and you can look up Ware on your own if you're interested. So anyway, long story short (too late), maybe sit these next couple out Dez, unless you want your bone sticking through your skin. And I assume you don't, unless you're some kind of weirdo. 

Cowboys 24-17

Sunday Night

Kansas City @ Pittsburgh

Take it away Cris:

I'm kind of surprised he didn't make a Color Me Dad reference ... er wait, that never existed.

Steelers 27-20


Monday Night

New York Giants @ Minnesota

I was going to make fun of Odell Beckham, Jr and his sideline antics from last Sunday, but can I? Do I live in a glass house. No, that'd be totally impractical. Can you imagine how hot that would be? And it would be a death trap in an earthquake. Anyway, I myself am prone to the occasional tantrum during a rough game. I've never hit myself with a kicking net, but you can bet if I'd had access to one it probably would've happened by now. As for this game I think it's going to be a close one that ends when Eli throws a pick on the Giants' final drive. But at least this way Beckham will be able to go directly to the locker room afterward to smash equipment away from the camera's prying eye.

Vikings 22-20

NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

Miami @ Cincinnati

After a couple of close calls in the first two weeks the Dolphins finally got their first win of the season last Sunday against the Browns ... in overtime. Beating the Browns in overtime is sort of like being given the Employee of the Month award only because everybody else has already won. It's like, yeah it counts but should you really be proud of it? Both of these teams are 1-2, but it feels like the Bengals are better, and my gut rarely lets me down, unless I've had too much cheese.

Bengals 27-19