NFL Picks - Week 11

Sunday Morning 

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

The Steelers have lost four in a row and have to be wondering if their season is slipping away. They're no doubt down in the dumps, staring into the mirror wondering where it all went wrong and how they can get things back on track again. Just then the door swings open, light spills in from outside and a group of shadowy figures emerge, the leader clears his throat "I believe we may be of some assistance." It's the Cleveland Browns! A wry smile forms on the Steelers' faces, "What took ya so long?" they reply. Both teams erupt in laughter as the Steelers think to themselves, 'This season ain't done yet.'

Steelers 35-17  


Baltimore @ Dallas

Tony Romo made his first pass of the 2016 season on Tuesday at his press conference when he formally passed the torch to Dak Prescott as Dallas Cowboys starting quarterback. Poetry! It was the grandest public torch passing since WrestleMania VI. But did we learn from Hogan and Warrior? Even though a torch can be passed, it can just as easily be fumbled and picked back up by the original bearer. Will Prescott go down the same dangerous path as the Ultimate Warrior? We'll know if he starts no selling on sacks and demanding money from Jerry Jones on game days. Most people assume it's a good thing that the pressure is now off Prescott, but what if that's what he was thriving on? What if this new situation makes him too comfortable? I think that just may be the case, and because there's little to no home field advantage in Dallas, I'm picking the upset

Ravens 23-21 


Jacksonville @ Detroit

Did you see Blake Bortles' blooper interception last week? It was such an unlikely play, yet because it was the Jaguars it made so much sense. All they want to do is throw the ball into the ground and move on with their day without bothering anybody. But no, the ball somehow bounces to the defense and a catastrophe ensues. It was the Jaguars of plays. How does Bortles avoid this in the future? Might I suggest diving to the ground and rifling the ball into the turf from mere inches away to ensure that the D can't touch it. As a side benefit Blake would get to show off that rifle arm by the resulting divot size. He could do a crude hand measurement and show it off to the crowd who would go wild with each new personal best, because they really have nothing else to cheer. Last week the Lions managed to take over first place in the NFC North while doing nothing at all on their bye. Now they get to play the Jaguars in Detroit, so they can probably just do nothing again and extend their division lead.

Lions 30-17


Tennessee @ Indianapolis

At a glance the Titans may seem like a boring team, but if you look closer you'll see that they've put up an average of 40 points over the last three weeks and have a real shot at making the playoffs after having the worst record in the league last season. And isn't that a lesson that we can apply beyond football as well? Too often we assume we know so much about a person just by looking at them. We must challenge ourselves to break through societal preconceptions before we can truly grow together. For instance, just today I noticed a maniacal, ranting street urchin outside of the grocery store; normally I would scurry off in the opposite direction, but then I thought about the Titans and my perspective shifted. I approached the man and asked him if he'd like a sandwich. He stabbed me. I'm writing this from the hospital. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the Titans are more exciting than you might think. 

Titans 33-30


Buffalo @ Cincinnati

What are we going to see out of this one? Heh, you tell me. No seriously, c'mon, tell me. I'm sick of having to do all the work. It's Week 11 and I've been giving you straight gold for almost three months now, it's about damn time I got something in return! It's starting to dawn on me that I'll have to publish this before you can see it and respond, so I don't know what I'm waiting for. You're probably wondering why I'm even leaving any of this text in the final draft. Well the joke's on you, there's no such thing as a final draft on here! I just spew out the first thoughts that come to mind into Siri and hope she got it down without any typos. This seems like a toss-up, but the Bengals are still pretty solid at home, so let's go with them. Ok Siri, let's Merv on. No not Merv, mauve. No you ducking idiot I'm trying to say move! Holy shot!

Bengals 27-24


Tampa Bay @ Kansas City

Kansas City is on fire! For those of you reading in the KC area don't panic. If you have relatives who live within driving distance go to them now. First things first though, carefully test out the door knob at your house or apartment. If it's very hot then it may already be too late for you. Your only option is to draw a bath, get in the tub, wait for the flames to entrap you then submerge your head under the water and see how long you can hold your breath. If it's not long enough to wait out the fire, well your prospects were no better beforehand, right? Don't just take it from me though, any survival expert will tell you the same thing folks, I'm not just blowing smoke (WINK). As for the Chiefs, they're also on fire. They've won five in a row and are now in first place in the AFC West. Meanwhile the Buccaneers finally won their first home game of the season and sit at 4-5 in a congested NFC playoff race. In other words, they don't have to start drawing a bath just yet, but with a tough schedule ahead they'll probably be submerged and awaiting the flames when all is said and done. Hmm, this got a bit morbid. 

Chiefs 29-16


Chicago @ New York Giants

Last week I posited a theory that Jay Cutler played well in his first game back because there was zero pressure on him and that's the way he likes it. But I also suggested that if the rest of the teams in the NFC North continued to lose Cutler would tank to avoid having to play any meaningful games for the rest of the season. Well Green Bay and Minnesota both lost last Sunday and something tells me Jay was watching the scoreboard because this happened. Bears fans seem frustrated anew by Cutler but they should be thrilled that he's back. He's the perfectly hateable fall guy that will gladly lose out to ensure that the Bears have a Top 3 draft pick in 2017. He's not the hero they need, nor the one they deserve, because Jay Cutler isn't a hero at all, and that's what makes him the right man for the job. 

Giants 38-20


Arizona @ Minnesota

Sam Bradford being lousy is refreshing. We all knew he was just masquerading as a pretty good quarterback for the first five games of the season.. It's like when a mediocre actor gets a role that really suits them and it leads to an Oscar win out of nowhere. Except for in this case Bradford didn't actually win anything, he basically got the equivalent of a Golden Globe nomination ... a Comedy/Musical Golden Globe nomination. So uh yeah, not great. Bradford and the offense have become so stagnant that even a struggling Cardinals squad on the road seems like a better pick at this point.  

Cardinals 20-16


Sunday Afternoon 

Miami @ Los Angeles

Jared Goff is poised to make his first start of the season this Sunday. One of the most interesting aspects for Goff will be seeing him take a snap from under center for the first time since he was in high school (unverified) because his college team Cal operated solely out of the shotgun. My hunch is that things won't go so smoothly. On the first snap attempt I predict that Goff will stand directly behind center but still in a shotgun stance with his hands in front of his midsection, when the center snaps the ball it will go directly into Goff's testicles triggering a torrent of vomit to spew forth from the rookie's mouth and onto the center's back. Running back Todd Gurley will see this unfold in front of him, locate the barf covered ball on the turf and attempt to pick it up. At this point a dazed Goff will stagger around to see Gurley momentarily grasp the ball, but it will be understandably slippery and it will squirt free from Gurley's hands directly into, you guessed it, Goff's testicles. More vomit. Goff will then pass out due to the pain. Unfortunately his head will land right near the loose ball and a giant pileup will ensue on top of him. So like I said, it could be a rough adjustment for the rookie. 

Dolphins 20-12


New England @ San Francisco

This has the makings of possibly the biggest blowout of the season, and I'm not talking about my dry bar appointment. Am I right ladies? Seriously am I? Did that work? The Patriots are coming off a tough home defeat while the Niners are also coming off a loss (he said for the eighth straight time). The only thing that makes me think this might not be a giant rout is that the Patriots could get up early and coast to a 14 point win. Then again they might still have that Sunday night loss fresh in their minds (I know I do) and just angrily beat the poor Niners mercilessly.

Patriots 41-17 

Philadelphia @ Seattle

The Eagles have become a pretty predictable team, which makes it all the more confounding that I usually pick their games wrong. If you look at the breakdown of their schedule they're 4-0 at home and 1-4 on the road. They shouldn't be too heavily criticized for that poor road record though, because each of their losses has been within one score against a winning team. Well, this is another road game against a winning team. Like a self-cleaning nose, this one picks itself.

Seahawks 24-16


Sunday Night 

Green Bay @ Washington

Surprisingly the Packers come into this game with a losing record and, dating back to last season, are 9-12 in their last 21 games. So what's the problem? Let's turn to the top color commentator in the sport in hopes to find the answer:

Gotta say CriColl, that didn't really answer anything. It sounds like you're struggling pal, you need a break. Maybe you could find someone who does a fantastic Cris Collinsworth impression and let him call games for you while you take a breather. Worth considering.

Redskins 27-23 

Morning Night 

Houston @ Oakland

The Texans are 6-3 and I'm so confused. Their quarterback play has been atrocious, they've been out scored by 27 points on the season, and they're currently sitting as the 3rd seed in the AFC. It's like they've pulled off a heist and now they're fleeing to Mexico. Literally, this game will be played in Mexico City. It's a boon for the Raiders because they're 5-0 on the road while Houston is 1-3. Somehow Oakland has found a loophole where they're BOTH road teams. It's what is known as the Mexican Swap. Don't google that to verify, you will NOT be happy with what you find. Well actually maybe you will be, ya sicko. 

Raiders 31-18

NFL Picks - Week 11 Thursday

New Orleans @ Carolina

Last Sunday the Saints were robbed of a chance at overtime when the refs failed to overturn Denver's PAT return even though the runner looked to be out of bounds. New Orleans fans were justifiably outraged, but I know one man who was tickled pink: Arena Football League commissioner Scott Butera. This would never happen in the AFL, because there is no out of bounds. This is your time to strike Scott Butera! The world needs to know about your league's superior sidelines. Butera will probably just sit on his hands though like he has throughout his sham of a tenure as leader of our nation's second most beloved football league. I know what you're thinking, "Not another Butera tangent!" I know, I know, I'm like a broken record here. Speaking of broken records, Drew Brees has done just that multiple times in his career. This week though he's on the road against a desperate team that's been playing better defense of late, so I'll tentatively take Carolina. Man I sound as cowardly as Scott Butera. Sorry! 

Panthers 27-23

NFL Picks - Week 10

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Tennessee

Before we get all up in arms about the Packers' 4-4 start and wonder whether or not they're good, shouldn't we first ask ourselves, "What are we doing with our lives?" If you honestly think that you're doing better than 4-4 then feel free to rip Green Bay all you want. But if you yourself are at .500 or below get your shit straight first and then we can all start making fun of Aaron Rodgers and co. for losing at home to the Colts. Personally since I'm like a 6-2, 7-1 type of guy I can basically say whatever I want. And here it goes: I think the Packers are pretty mediocre, but the Titans are just a notch below that, they're mediocrer .. er. 

Packers 27-20

Minnesota @ Washington

The Vikings started out 5-0 and were the darlings of the NFL. We all wanted to pinch their rosy little Minnesotan cheeks. They've since lost three in a row, including a heart breaker last week against Detroit that has left them with a tenuous hold upon first place in the NFC North. They've grown from darling into an awkward teen whose cheeks we're tentative to touch at all for fear that our hands will be slathered in acne grease. Bradford and the gang have scored an average of 12 points in their three losses which means changes need to be made on offense, and I say start with the coaching. Fire offensive coordinator Norv Turner! What's that? He already quit last week? Oh, well that's not a good sign. Maybe that was the equivalent of Norv saying "It's not you, it's me," even when he knows it's the other way around just so he could get the hell out of there and never have to deal with Sam Bradford again. Sure he'll check the standings every once in a while just as one would an ex's Instagram, but my guess is he won't be too regretful when he does. After the Vikings' last three games I have no choice but to take Washington. You've left me with no choice Minnesota! Now go wash your face.

Redskins 20-15


Chicago @ Tampa Bay

Jay Cutler returned to the Bears' starting unit in their last game and was shockingly decent in a Monday night win over the Vikings. It was confusing at first, but then I realized that this is the perfect situation for Cutler because there's nothing at stake. For years I've been arguing that Jay Cutler hates football, but now I think it's really just that Jay Cutler hates playing in games that matter. The Bears were 1-6 going into that Monday night game and are all but eliminated from playoff contention. There's no pressure on Cutler right now, and that's just the way he likes it. This was the same environment he played in for four years at Vanderbilt. He's back in his comfort zone. Now, if Chicago reels off a couple wins and suddenly finds themselves in contention in the NFC North you better believe that Cutler's performance will take a nosedive. In fact, just to be safe he should probably lose this one and further establish a healthy buffer.

Buccaneers 30-27


Kansas City @ Carolina

The Chiefs got a win last week while starting backups at quarterback and running back, proving once again that Andy Reid is one of the top coaches in the NFL. Somebody should tell that to his wife. He gets home Sunday night and she's got a list of chores for him to do; honest to goodness, a honey do list for a goddamn NFL head coach the same night that he just led a team with a patchwork offense to a 6-2 record. He's 17-3 in his last 20 games and you want him to clean out the fucking gutters?!? How about this, call up Jim Tomsula or Mike Pettine and tell them to put on some gloves, because they're not coaching an NFL team!!! The Panthers have won two straight but I'll still roll with my boy Andy.

Chiefs 23-20


Atlanta @ Philadelphia

I delved deep into the stats of these teams and found something quite peculiar. The Eagles' offense is averaging 344 yards per game, while their defense is surrendering an average of 344 yards per game. Kind of crazy, right? Well we're not done yet jocko, here's what else: they're passing for an average of 236 while running for 108. And on defense they're giving up an average of 236 passing yards and 108 rushing! They're in complete lock-step. Psychologists say that when a person admires someone they will mirror their mannerisms and behavior. Well it seems pretty clear that the Eagles' defense is hardcore mancrushing on the offense. They always show up at the same hotel as them when they're on the road, they're always watching them from the sideline when they're out on the field. Hell, they even wear the same thing as them every week! You're looking thirsty Eagles D, and a bit creepy. 

Falcons 31-24


Los Angeles @ New York Jets

Distraught Rams fans chanted en masse for backup rookie QB Jared Goff while starter Case Keenum struggled during the Rams' Week 9 loss. And I don't blame them. They're fed up and they want change, it doesn't matter how unqualified the replacement would be, or that he sounds like an idiot. The Rams fans, and indeed all of us, deserve that change, even if it means that the alternative is a paranoid, megalomaniacal, sociopathic child. Man I hate Jared Goff.

Jets 17-10


Denver @ New Orleans

At the start of October I couldn't have imagined picking New Orleans in this game. But in the NFL things can change the blink of an eye, assuming that your blinks last for about a month. However, if you blink like a normal person I guess things in the NFL can change in millions of blinks of an eye. It will be strength vs. strength when the Saints go to the air against Denver's passing D, the Broncos' secondary isn't quite fully staffed though due to injuries so I'll give the home team the edge.

Saints 24-22 


Houston @ Jacksonville

We need something to spice this game up, and I think I may have just what the doctor ordered. If you look at the abbreviations for these teams it's HOU/JAX. You thinking what I'm thinking? Invite Hugh Jackman to this game. What will he do? Let him do whatever he wants. Special guest ref? Sure. All-time QB? Why not?!? There are no rules against it. Ok actually I just thought about it and there are definitely rules against one guy playing for both teams in the same game, let alone an Australian actor who most likely has never played football before. Alright, so maybe just make it "Hugh Jackman Day" and keep a camera constantly trained on his luxury box as he grows increasingly confused about the rules of the game and his presence there. The Texans still have yet to win a game on the road, and if they can't get their first in Jacksonville, they might never get one. 0-8 on the road it is! Whatever the outcome after watching this game Hugh Jackman will be able to tell his Australian relatives that football is NOT very entertaining.

Jaguars 22-19


Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ San Diego

On Tuesday 59% of San Diegans voted to not provide billions of dollars to build a new stadium for the Chargers, which means the team's days in their current hometown may be numbered. But then again all of our days are numbered now. And seeing as how the world will probably end within the next four years there's a decent chance that the good people of San Diego won't have to deal with their team leaving after all. So take solace in that. One thing they should keep an eye on in a couple of seasons though will be the tricky shadows caused by the border wall during afternoon games.

Chargers 34-31


Dallas @ Pittsburgh

Normally FOX dubs their afternoon games "America's Game of the Week." For this match-up they're switching it to "FOX's Collective 3 Hour Orgasm - 2016." It does NOT have a good ring to it, but it does accurately describe the network's enthusiasm for this particular contest. Conventional wisdom tells me that the Steelers will get the win at home. Then again, conventional wisdom doesn't watch much football, and definitely didn't even know what I was talking about when I said I thought the Cowboys' O-line has the capability to dominate any game they play. In other words I'm not trusting conventional wisdom on this one.

Cowboys 24-21


San Francisco @ Arizona

I'm sure it's been said before, but one of the great ironies of the 2016 NFL season is that Colin Kaepernick may never get to kneel within the field of play. San Francisco has lost seven in a row, and there's no end to that streak in sight. So what can Kaepernick do to bring his protest inside the hashmarks? How about taking a shotgun snap, doing a 180 and sprinting into his own end zone to symbolize the wrong direction that our nation is headed. The resulting two points would be a small price to pay to get his point across. And if people don't understand it the first time do it again and again and again until the message is hammered home. Or if he doesn't want to go that far he could just vote.

Cardinals 31-10 


Sunday Night

Seattle @ New England

It's a highly anticipated Sunday Night match-up, let's get some insight from the man who will be in the announcer's booth for it, Cris Collinsworth:

Sometimes I don't know whether to love you or hate you CriColl. In other news Bill Belichick legitimately may be Rain Man. Listen to his response to questions at a press conference this Wednesday about his connection to Trump.

He can't even muster "We're on to ..." anymore, he's cut it down to just repeating the opposing city's name. Well guess who I'm picking in this one Bill? Seattle, Seattle, yeah definitely definitely Seattle.

Seahawks 31-28


Monday Night

Cincinnati @ New York Giants

The Bengals are coming off a bye week after playing Washington to a tie in London. Finally a result the English fans could understand! I have no doubt that the Brits were more excited by that finish than any abroad NFL game yet. In fact, being the creative lot that they are, the Londoners have already written a soccer style chant to commemorate the match:

O the Bengals and Skins have played to a draw
Precisely in accordance with British law
We watched through the 75th minute and had our fill
The only result more thrilling would've been nil-nil

But now the Bengals are back in the USA where we like our ties windsored, bowed, or Burrelled, but not on our football fields. Unfortunately for Cincinnati they'll probably be begging for a draw after this one is over.

Giants 30-23

NFL Picks - Week 10 Thursday

Cleveland @ Baltimore

The Browns are now 0-9 and looking ahead at the rest of their schedule you'd be hard pressed to come up with a possible win. Then again, they're winless, so of course it wouldn't be easy to find a game they might win. What I mean to say is they suck, you guys get it. Meanwhile the Ravens just notched their first win since September and now find themselves in first place in the AFC North. They could've just taken the whole month of October off and been fine. It's a strategy the Seattle Mariners have used for the last 15 years only much less successfully. The all-of-a-sudden division leaders from Baltimore should come out inspired and dispatch the lowly Browns. Then again stranger things have happened. Unfortunately for Cleveland it's not quite Week Eleven.

Ravens 26-13

NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

After only two weeks of what was originally expected to be at least a four week absence Ben Roethlisberger is expected to play this Sunday. We've all heard the saying, "You can't keep a good man down." Well apparently that applies to giant pieces of shit too. Shockingly the Ravens have a chance to be in first place with a win even though they've dropped four straight. It's like  stumbling into the bar and still being the most sober guy there. Don't expect them to stay that way for long though, they'll be smashing glasses, throwing up in their mouth, and passing out in their chair before long. Meanwhile the Steelers are slamming waters and shaking it off. They probably still shouldn't drive (especially Roethlisberger) but they'll manage to get to bed without pissing themselves. Jeez, I got in deep on that metaphor.

Steelers 25-17


Jacksonville @ Kansas City

Amidst their (constant) struggles the Jaguars have fired their offensive coordinator and promoted Nathaniel Hackett, a man I can only assume is from the 1700s, to the position. He must have stumbled upon a wormhole in a Philadelphia alleyway and naturally ended up in 2016 Jacksonville, the location that most closely approximates the stench of a Philadelphia alleyway in the 1700s. As we all know smell is the sense most closely related to time travel. So what can we expect from the offensive game plan of a man from 250 years ago? Probably not much early on as Hackett will most likely spend the first quarter screaming about the Jumbotron while attempting to hide under the bench. Once he gets acclimated though expect a lot of runs from the center, because football did not exist in Hackett's time and he won't understand the concept of a snap.

Chiefs 30-20


New York Jets @ Miami

Dolphins running back Jay Ajayi has run for over 200 yards in consecutive games making fans around the league stop and say, "That's a stupid name." And I'm inclined to agree. Why not just go with AJ Ajayi? You know what else is stupid? This is Miami's fourth straight home game. Last week I complained about a similar situation coming up for the Raiders without even realizing that the Dolphins were already in the thick of an interminable homestand. We've established that a computer generates the schedule now, but have we ever stopped to consider whether or not the computer is a fan? What if it's been messing with AFC teams' schedules this whole time to give someone an advantage. That someone obviously being the Patriots, because who else would it be?

Dolphins 31-22


Philadelphia @ New York Giants

This is a pivotal NFC East match-up and as a result the league has deigned that the field itself will be on a pivot. It'll seem like a cool idea at first, providing fans around the stadium myriad views and giving the game a cool Matrix vibe. That'll be the first play. Before the second play most of the players will be barfing. Then the first pass will be attempted; it will go 10 yards to the left of where it was initially intended due to the rotation of the field. The remainder of the game will basically be hell on earth. Rolled ankles, passed out players, nauseous fans desperately fighting for their lives. Ok so that last part is no different than a regular Eagles/Giants game.

Eagles 20-17


Detroit @ Minnesota

The Vikings started off 5-0 but have since dropped two straight. Has their ship gone astray? Meanwhile the Lions fell back to earth last week in Houston when their 3 game win streak was snapped. Is it possible that their pride has been damaged? (Ha, you've done it again. Brilliant wordplay old boy! No need for actual analysis of the game at this point, just coast on those puns until you're somewhere near a paragraph, slap a one sentence prediction on the end and call it a day. Well look at that, this parenthetical has taken care of the aforementioned paragraph padding. Now for the cherry on top ...) I'll take Minnesota! 

Vikings 19-16


Dallas @ Cleveland

Well the Browns had as good a chance as they will all season to get their first win last week and they didn't come through against the Jets at home. It's like a virgin who goes to a prostitute but just ends up talking; if it didn't happen then who knows if it ever will. Things don't get any easier with the Cowboys coming to town. Now that the World Series has restored Cleveland's sports identity to comfortable misery there's no better time for a pitiful Browns performance that reinforces that and brings Cleveland fans back to a time when the emotional stakes weren't so high.

Cowboys 33-14


Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Los Angeles

Earlier this week Cam Newton had a chat with Roger Goodell about better protecting him on the field. This is like telling the teacher. Man the Rams are gonna beat him up so bad now! You never tattle. Number one rule of the schoolyard and the NFL. Just ask Aaron Hernandez. Newton couldn't ask for much of a worse matchup if he's concerned about his safety. After all the Rams defensive coordinator oversaw a bounty system in his previous job. Sidenote: If I were Gregg Williams every Halloween I'd go as a different bounty hunter, Boba Fett, Dog, Robert De Niro from Midnight Run. What are the chances that Williams literally attempts to bounty hunt Cam during this game? Like if he gets too close to the sideline Williams tries to taze him. Or he slips Aaron Donald a pair of handcuffs to slap on Newton once he cocks his arm back to throw. It would be a bush league move from Williams, but he's one of the bushiest the NFL has to offer, so don't be surprised if that's exactly what happens.

Panthers 26-16


New Orleans @ San Francisco

The 49ers made history this past Wednesday when they became the first team to petition the NFL to have their bye week extended to last the remainder of the season. The league office gave it serious consideration, taking into account the physical and psychological toll the final 9 games will take on San Francisco's players and their families. Ultimately though the NFL decided that allowing the Niners to forfeit their remaining contests would rob opposing teams of the confidence boost they'll surely receive from trouncing San Francisco, and insisted they play out the season. Tough break guys. (They'll probably win now)

Saints 31-24


Tennessee @ San Diego

Remember when these two teams met in a playoff game following the '06 season? C'mon, you remember; Vince Young was the Titans' starting QB ... Tennessee jumped out to that 6-0 halftime lead but San Diego eventually came back to get the 17-6 victory ... Or how about how Brandon Manumaleuna had those 2 receptions for 18 yards? ... And remember the game lasted 3 hours and 4 minutes ... And there were 65,640 fans in attendance at Qualcomm Stadium ... And who could forget Ahmard Hall's 2 yard run to end the 1st quarter? Jeez you guys don't remember ANYTHING about that game. You should go educate yourself about it at a reference site for pro football. I hear Pro Football Reference is a good one, but I wouldn't know because I've never had to use it as an aide. That's something hack writers do when they don't got the chops to write original material each and every week.

Chargers 30-28


Indianapolis @ Green Bay

Prior to last season this was the matchup that many picked for Super Bowl 50. Fast forward to midseason 2016 and we're far from this being a potential Super Bowl, except probably to some Rudy-esque turbo on the Colts special teams who plays "every game like it's the Super Bowl." Yeah we get it guy, you put 110% into everything you do and we're all super impressed. Let's take a look at the Indy roster to find the guy most likely to fit this bill. How about Long Snapper Matt Overton

? Yeah look at that guy, he'd probably say something like that. Man this Overton guy really gets under my skin, or at least the prospective Matt Overton that I've now convinced myself is exactly who he is. Because of Overton and how lame he is I have no choice but to pick Green Bay.

Packers 34-24


Sunday Night

Denver @ Oakland

Let's kick it to our man Cris Collinsworth for his two cents on this AFC West battle:

Hmm, that went in an unexpected direction. I'd say I probably have a slight case of Raider fever, but I'm trying to get rid of it. As a result I'm taking the Broncos and some prescription medication.

Broncos 23-20 


Monday Night

Buffalo @ Seattle

Breaking News: Percy Harvin is coming out of retirement to play for the Bills. We go now to his contract signing ... There's Percy with the the contract in front of him, coach Rex Ryan has just handed him a pen, and here he goes, and uh oh, Harvin's hand seems to be cramping up on him. He's shaking it back and forth pretty violently and oh no he's accidentally slammed it into the table. He appears to be in some serious pain now. He seems to be attempting to push his chair away from the table but it looks to be caught on the rug and oh boy, his chair has tipped backwards sending Mr. Harvin flying off the makeshift stage. Here comes the stretcher folks. They've loaded Harvin up and they're now exiting the room. Well there's a good sign, he's giving us a thumbs up on his way out and oh dear lord his thumb just got snagged on the door handle and bent completely backwards. It appears his comeback has been derailed even before it began due to at least four injuries sustained at this contract signing. Get well soon Percy.

Seahawks 20-10

NFL Picks - Week 9 Thursday

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

This is a rematch of a Week 1 game in which the Bucs nearly blew out the Falcons in Atlanta before holding on for a not-as-close-as-it-looked win. Well a lot has changed since then. For instance, the NFL is no longer a dildo-less league. In case you missed it a fan tossed a phony phallus on the field in Buffalo last week. Some found it disgusting, many found it funny. Personally, I found it savvy. The fan who threw it was playing upon NFL players' well-known homophobia. If these guys see a penis they're going to run in the opposite direction. That's why if I was calling the shots for a team who played in a dome I would suspend dildos from the roof to hang the length of the goal line. The opposing team wouldn't want to go anywhere near it. I'm sure you're questioning the legality of dangling what would probably be 53 dildos (one per yard) over the field of play. Well guess what, there's no specific rule against it! So now who's the idiot? You? Or me, the guy with the dildo idea? ... Don't answer that. 

Falcons 27-23

NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Dawn

Washington @ Cincinnati

Jeremy Hill reemerged in Cincinnati's backfield to put up an astounding 18.7 yards per carry last week. By the way Yards Per Cary would be a great name for a landscaping company run by someone named Cary (or Carrie). We'll see what kind of yardage Hill can put up this week when the Bengals take on Washington in London. Although do they count as yards when you get them in England? Seriously I haven't thought about it until now but for the in-stadium scoreboard do they show stats in meters or yards? I mean they're close to the same thing, but close only counts in two instances, and neither of those are the metric system. This game is equally as confounding as this measurement issue, but I'll go with the home team (yes I know it's in London, but their logo will be at midfield, and that's mostly what a home field advantage is all about). 

Bengals 24-20


Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Indianapolis

The Chiefs are rounding into form. They now sit at 4-2 and are right in the thick of things in the AFC West. Andy Reid must be thrilled. At least with his team's play on the field; home life is another story. Halloween's just around the corner and of course his wife is going to dust off the pumpkin costume and make him wear it while handing out candy to the greedy little snots in the neighborhood. Does she have any idea how demeaning that is? Making a man his size dress up like a big round pumpkin. He's an NFL coach for God's sake! He's a well respected man everywhere he goes except for inside the four walls where he should command the most reverence. Though that's impossible when his "partner" is constantly undermining him. Maybe he'll just get drunk this year. That'd ruffle her feathers. How's she gonna like it when a giant pumpkin spills his guts all over the front porch? Ah who's he kidding, he'd just be the one that would have to clean it up. Ugh, why couldn't Halloween have just been on a Sunday? Fuck you leap year.

Chiefs 27-22

Oakland @ Tampa Bay

The Raiders have proven themselves to be road warriors this season, which is appropriate because you'll see plenty of Oakland fans sporting these shoulder pads. Unfortunately for the Raiders this is their last road game untilllll, let me just check here ... December 8th ... Huh?!? This is real, following this game the Raiders play four straight at home and have a bye over the next five weeks. It's like the schedule maker created schedules for 31 teams, brushed off his hands, kicked back, and fell asleep. When he woke up he realized he'd forgotten about Oakland so he just had to shoehorn them in because the deadline was in an hour. Of course you're going to say, "Ya know the whole schedule is done by computers now." Ok, well then what I just described happened to the man inside the computer. No I don't know how computers work. How did we get here? This is stupid, let's move on. I have to stick with the Raiders on the road until they prove me wrong, because that's the trick to picking games: always be a week late!

Raiders 32-29


Seattle @ New Orleans

Russell Wilson has 5 passing TDs on the season through the first 6 games. As opposed to the 21 TDs he threw over the final six contests last season. So what's wrong? Maybe it's the fact that he's been hobbled by injuries or that his offensive line sucks. Actually there's no "maybe" about it, those are the reasons. Still he's been effective against lousy defenses, which isn't a shock, but is worth pointing out since that's exactly what he's up against this week. Although, if you look at the stats the Saints has given up 9 passing TDs, which ranks around the middle of the league, whereas they've surrendered 11 scores on the ground, good for most in the NFL. So maybe this is another week in which Wilson let's the run game get the glory in the red zone. Assuming there is some glory in the red zone. It would be nice to see some touchdowns. Please? 

Seahawks 27-16

Detroit @ Houston

There is no team in the league who has a greater dichotomy between their home and road performance than the Texans. They're 4-0 in Houston and 0-3 elsewhere, with all of their losses being by at least 18 points. They remind me of when I used to be afraid to spend the night at any of my friends' houses. Every time I was away from home I was off my game, whether it be my performance in Nintendo, hide and go seek, or just general goofing. But eventually I grew up and got back to slammin' sodas, munching 'za, and playing high level Tecmo Super Bowl. The Texans need to do the same thing if they want to reach a real Super Bowl, Tecmo or otherwise. Unfortunately for them Brock Osweiler still looks like a frightened child any time he's away from home, so don't expect much postseason success considering they'd most likely have to win a couple games on the road come late January. In fact, I've heard (from no sources whatsoever) that he's been wetting his own bed now, so even a home game probably won't get him on track. I'm going with Detroit.

Lions 24-23

New York Jets @ Cleveland

Well here it is, I said it last week, this would be the first (and possibly only) game the Browns will win all year. Then the Jets got a win over the Ravens, and the Browns were forced to play yet another quarterback in their loss to Cincinnati. It's gotten so bad for Cleveland that they just signed a QB named Joe Callahan, who I think is Tommy Boy's son, maybe? That movie did take place in Ohio ... Anyway I'm not backing down on my original prediction. In the same week that the Indians hosted their first ever World Series opener and the Cavs hoisted their first ever championship banner, the Browns will heist their first win of the season. Which I guess means they'll steal it in a close one. Look it just worked so well within the sentence that I had to do it, I'm not sure if that's what will actually happen. Though when a team is trotting out Kevin Hogan and Joe Callahan as their QBs anything but a close win would be downright crazy. Crazy like a Brown (fox jumping over a lazy dog). 

Browns 17-16


New England @ Buffalo

If this game feels like it just happened that's because these teams played only four weeks ago, and because you've been in a coma for the last 23 days. Welcome back! I have some terrible news though, Billy Bush is no longer on the Today Show. Yes it's only been about a month but it's a different world we now live in. Much has changed for these two teams as well. Tom Brady is once again the Patriots' starting quarterback and the Bills are a confusing, inconsistent team. Ok, so nothing's changed for Buffalo. Does anything ever change in Buffalo though? Am I right? Seriously, am I? I've never been to Buffalo. 

Patriots 31-20


Arizona @ Carolina

Has the Panthers' D sucked this season? Yes, out loud. If you put your ear up close to whatever you're reading this on you just might be able to hear them now. Does it seem like there are nothing but bad vibes surrounding this team? Yes, the Super Bowl hangover is real, especially if you don't drink (or lose) a ton and you're immature about it when you do (COUGH ... COUGH). So why do I get the sneaking suspicion that they're going to win this game? It's solely because of the Cardinals' previous contest. Make all the jokes you want about the 6-6 tie, and there are plenty available, but you could tell it was a physically and emotionally draining game. Now, after playing an extra quarter in a night game, the Cardinals have to travel cross country and play at 10am on the road. Sure the Seahawks have to do the same thing, but Arizona needed that game more, and their coach seems to have let it affect him more, complaining that leaping rules during kicks should be changed because they didn't work out for his team last week. This is the same guy who petitioned the NFL to let him wear a Kangol cap on the sideline though, so it won't be too shocking if the league doesn't take him seriously. 

Panthers 24-21

Sunday Afternoon

San Diego @ Denver

Remember that coma guy I was talking to earlier? He missed the last time these teams played because it was only two weeks ago! Why not just let them play back to back weeks? They could play it off like a rematch and interview Philip Rivers and Von Miller at midfield after the first game to hype it up. Miller could say something along the lines of, "You have enough kids to make it clear that you never worry about protection, but you better next week, because we're coming for you." Has that joke been made before? Probably. On this site? Maybe. I honestly can't remember, but I have to imagine the rematch gimmick would add some juice to this match-up. If the Chargers lose this week and still plan on making the playoffs they'll have quite the hill to climb, which would most likely be very difficult in shoulder pads. I think they surprise the defending champs and get the season sweep.

Chargers 20-17


Green Bay @ Atlanta

This one promises to be a shootout. The Packers' offense hasn't looked as explosive as in the past, but only once so far this season has Atlanta held a team below 26 points, and they've put up at least 23 in every game. So yeah there should be plenty of fireworks in this one. And I don't mean snakes or Roman candles, we're talking about the stuff they keep below the shelf. The kind of stuff that you can only see after assuring the salesman that you're not a cop. And you have to tell them if you are, that's the law.

Falcons 34-31


Sunday Night

Philadelphia @ Dallas

It's a Sunday Night game featuring the Cowboys and Tony Romo has yet to return from injury, which means Cris Collinsworth will most likely have a strong opinion on it:

I'm not sure if he's trying to convince us or himself. Either way I'll take his advice on this game.

Cowboys 23-15


Monday Night

Minnesota @ Chicago

It's a spoooooky Halloween night match-up between the Vikings and the Bears. Who will walk out of this game alive? Minnesota's ghoulish group headlined by HorrorDarelle Splatterson and the running back duo of Scare-ick McSkinnin' and Bat I See Aaaahh(ta)? Or Chicago's bellicose brood with the returning quarterback Jay CUTler and running backs KaScream Scary and Jordan Howl-ard? Only the spirits know for certain! But probably the Vikings. Side note: if you have any Halloween themed NFL names that are even close to as good as the ones I just reeled off tweet them with the hashtag #NFLoween. That's right, it generated so much buzz last season that we're bringing it back!

Vikings 26-13

NFL Picks - Week 8 Thursday

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

After these teams met in one of the ugliest uniform match-ups in NFL history the league has decided to run it back for another color rush game. This feels like the NFL is really thumbing their nose at us. It's like everybody telling you your new haircut is awful so then you go get the same thing a month later solely in an attempt to prove to everyone that their comments didn't bother you. Really though they crushed you inside. Everyone always says, "Who cares what other people think?" You, that's who. Praise from others is what you live for. That's why you post those cloying puppy videos on Facebook; you crave the cheap "likes," you need them. It's sad, but it's time to face the truth. Which is exactly what these teams and the league need to do. Stop scheduling these two to play each other on Thursdays. Also because we don't care about the actual games.

Titans 27-20