NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

Arizona @ Buffalo

Oh, you're back? I just assumed that after another week of middling accuracy you'd have given up on these picks. And I'm not sure if I'd blame you. Then again, I don't blame myself either. It's the teams' fault! Nobody's good. For every flash of brilliance a given team has displayed they've had just as many perplexing let downs. And I have reservations regarding even the most solid teams, be it injuries, suspensions, or a table for 2 (but seriously folks). So the fact that I've struggled to stay above .500 makes me just about even with most of the bipolar squads in this league. Of course, some teams have just looked downright awful. The Bills fit that ... bill, which makes this a relatively easy pick.

Cardinals 34-16


Oakland @ Tennessee

The Raiders have given up 69 points over their first two games. Their defense can't decide if they're upside down or right side up, and they've been sucking non-stop. Something will have to change for the Raiders, a statement that has been among the NFL's most ubiquitous over the past 13 years, however the expectations that are attached to Oakland this season lend some weight to their current situation. And the last thing this defense needs is extra weight, especially with that point total.

Raiders 26-23


Washington @ New York

The Giants are one of only three NFC teams to start 2-0. What?!? Well, they played at Dallas, against a rookie QB starting his first game in a stadium where the Cowboys only win half the time even when they're good. Then they conquered the Saints, who I'm convinced are lousy. New York won these games by a combined 4 points. So in reality, are they legitimately one of the best teams in the NFC? Yes you fool, they have home field advantage throughout the playoffs as of right now! Plus they can put themselves three games in front of their division's defending champions. It's time to start believing in the Giants. And maybe just giants in general. There's a lot of new research regarding these "mythical" creatures that would blow your mind. You don't know how high up this goes. I'm speaking in terms of conspiracy, not the height of the aforementioned giants, though you probably don't know how high up they go either.

Giants 23-16


Cleveland @ Miami

Oh no. Another week and another injured Browns QB. With Josh McCown out Cleveland now turns to Cody Kessler. But honestly, do we expect him to last through this game? The Browns need a savior. Or maybe someone with healing powers. Why not both? Clipboard Jesus has risen! Any coincidence that his new team travels to Miami's newly renamed Hard Rock Stadium this Sunday? Hard rocks are no match for this guy, whether he's being pelted with them or moving them aside from a cave opening ... Wait I'm thinking of real Jesus. Ah that's right Clipboard Jesus is not good at football. Browns are screwed.

Dolphins 27-10


Baltimore @ Jacksonville

At the start of the season I predicted that the Jaguars would finish 9-7 and sneak into a Wild Card spot. I said they'd be a playoff team while Denver would not. It's been three weeks since that post,and I'd really like a take-back. Am I giving up completely on Jacksonville? No. But did I just look in my bathroom mirror and shout obscenities at myself? No. That didn't happen, and there's no way anybody can prove it did. Not even sure why I brought it up. The Ravens come in with the better record, but they've looked shakier than my bathroom mirror when gripped with all the pent up force of foreboding shame. Give me the Jags, because I don't have a choice.

Jaguars 24-21


Detroit @ Green Bay

Is it time to start worrying about the Packers? No. You shouldn't concern yourself with such petty troubles, especially with that big opportunity coming up at work; you need to focus. That being said, Green Bay is 6-8 over their last 14 games, including the playoffs, so the Packers should certainly be worried about themselves. The Lions were a hail Mary away from sweeping this series last season, so they're definitely capable of winning this game. But, in the words of Michael Scott, I believe Green Bay is even capabler.

Packers 23-20


Denver @ Cincinnati

Look, I know I made a joke about it in Week 1, and it's well worn territory at this point, but I feel like I have to point out that a Siemian has a chance to get revenge on the city of Cincinnati! As we all know Cincinnati has been a tough place for simians to play (or live) this year, so I'm leaning towards the Bengals in this one, but what a story it would be if Trevor and the Broncos could drag themselves up by the collar and get a win.

Bengals 16-13


Minnesota @ Carolina

Another tough break for the Vikings as they will now be without Adrian Peterson for possibly the remainder of the season. How will they make up his 1.6 yards per carry? One option, and this is just a thought, is that they sign famed Minnesotan Kevin McHale to play running back, have him line up right next to Bradford, hand him the ball and let him simply extend it over the line with his outstretched arm. I'm guessing he had about a 9 foot wingspan, so that oughta get the job done. And hey, if he happens to see a hole, give him the green light, and let's see what he can do in the open field. I mean the guy is a hall of fame professional athlete, I don't care if it was a different sport and his prime was 30 years ago, some of those skills have to translate. In reality though none of that will probably happen, no matter how much sense it makes, so Carolina should muscle out a win.

Panthers 22-13


Sunday Afternoon

Los Angeles @ Tampa Bay

The Buccaneers are not the Seahawks, so they have a really good chance of beating the Rams.

Buccaneers 20-10

San Francisco @ Seattle

Two games into the season and these teams already have one common opponent, the Rams, that we can use for predictive analysis. The 49ers beat L.A. by 28, whereas the Seahawks lost to the Rams by 6. Using the transitive property we should expect San Francisco to win this game by 34. But, as Vince Lombardi once said, "Fuck the transitive property." The Hawks are banged up, but should also have a sense of urgency on offense after what we've seen the first two weeks. Expect a Seattle win because, please?

Seahawks 23-9

New York Jets @ Kansas City

What's going on with the Chiefs? Outside of their 2nd half comeback against the Chargers in Week 1 they've looked like a bit of a mess. It's almost as if they are missing their best player on offense and defense. Oh wait, that's exactly what's happening. They'll be without Jamaal Charles again this Sunday, which shouldn't help matters. As a result I'll take the seemingly competent Jets to win on the road. Of course, now the Chiefs will look great and Kansas City will continue to make me look like an idiot. And I'm not just talking about the Chiefs here, some KC wiz kid hacked into my phone and has been posting A LOT of nude pics from my photo library online. Sure I could delete them, but that would be backing down and then s/he wins. Not to mention I think there are some flattering shots in there.

Jets 24-22


San Diego @ Indianapolis

The chargers are a tough team to figure out. Every time I think they're going to zig they zag, but enough about the lightning bolt logo on their helmets, let's talk about the team! Haha, oh we have fun here don't we? I'm not totally kidding though, I have not idea what to expect from San Diego. At first glance this game figures to be a shootout. And who's got time for a second glance, am I right?

Colts 33-28


Pittsburgh @ Philadelphia

There are a lot of well-documented similarities between the two quarterbacks in this game, from their size to their small school backgrounds. For Roethlisberger looking at Wentz must be like looking into a mirror. A mirror that takes 12 years off your life and makes you look more like Andy Samberg (pic?). Wentz has been impressive so far, but it's difficult to say whether or not that's a product of the schedule. Either way he has two road wins under his belt and is set for his Philly debut in front of the famously welcoming Eagles fans. Just kidding, if he gets down two scores they'll start booing. And I'm predicting that'll happen.

Steelers 27-16


Sunday Night

Chicago @ Dallas

Bad news folks, Cris finally found out that Tony Romo is injured and won't be playing in this game. As you'd imagine he's none too thrilled:

Scathing stuff CriColl. I'm not sure if the absence of Cutler makes the Bears worse, but they're plenty bad either way.

Cowboys 24-15


Monday Night

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Mmm, it's a ssspicy southern match-up on Monday Night. It's times like these that I wish Bocephus were still alive to serenade us with a Cajun flavored diddy before the game. Yes, I know Bocephus is still alive, alive in the hearts of every Monday night football lovin' fan. Also alive in the physical sense of that he is breathing, has a pulse, and exists upon this mortal plane. But I fear we may be getting sidetracked; the point is that even though these teams may (and probably will) turn out to be lousy this should be a high-scoring romp (by the way my phone just tried to autocorrect "romp" to "Romo"; it's possible that CriColl had a hand in designing iOS 10).

Saints 34-30

NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Houston @ New England

After an injury to understudy Jimmy Garoppolo, rookie quarterback Jacoby Brissett will get the start for the Patriots. I'm not sure how he'll perform because I'm not sure that he's actually a real person so much as he is a random name generated for a future player in Madden's franchise mode. He was thrust into action last week with New England driving toward a 24-0 lead. They ended up holding on for a 31-24 win. Just comparing those scores and doing some simple addition (which is usually how I make these picks) tells me that the team was worse with Brissett at the helm. Is it possible that the Patriots win with him this week? Well this is Boston sports where anything is possible. However, against a capable Houston D, I'll bet against New England ... Which is just what Belichick would want me to do ... Well joke's on you Billy, I'm picking you to win now! How do ya like them apples? Wait, am I getting one over on him here or not? It's a toss up for me, much like this game.

Texans 20-16

NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

San Francisco @ Carolina

Taking into account the prevalence of the read option and deception in both the Panthers' game plan and Chip Kelly's new Niners offense I'm boldly predicting that this game will set an NFL record for most fake handoffs. The current record holder is the 1948 match-up between the (appropriately named) Boston Yanks and the Chicago Cardinals in which the Yanks were down to their fourth string running back Lenny "No Hands" McMillan, a man who literally had no hands. As a result, any and all handoff attempts to McMillan predictably wound up being fakes. The Cardinals wised up fairly early on and recorded 17 sacks on the day, but that didn't deter the Yanks from sticking to their game plan, leading to the still record 58 fake handoffs between both teams. But as I said before, San Francisco and Carolina have a legit chance to break that record on Sunday. If I were in the Fox graphics department I'd have a counter on the screen at all times keeping track. Will the geniuses over at the Fox Sports have the wherewithal to pull this off? Highly doubtful, but we can hope.

Panthers 27-13

Dallas @ Washington

In this storied rivalry The Cowboys lead the all-time series 66-44-2. If I were Washington coach Jay Gruden I would vow that I wouldn't leave my job until that 22 game gap was closed and the series was even. This might sound like a bold declaration, but really it's just a sneaky move by Gruden to ensure job security. Each loss to Dallas would only add time to his future tenure. It's a brilliant strategy, which means it's probably beyond Jay Gruden. With all of one game of experience under their belts I believe Dallas's rookie backfield will do enough to get the road win.

Cowboys 21-20


Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

It's the match-up of the week! Says who? Says me. Also, says the intense rivalry between these teams. And says the playoff expectations for both squads. Enough saysed. The real question going into this one is how many Bengals will wind up suspended and/or fined for something they do on the field this Sunday? I'll guess four, with two of them resulting from a play in which Antonio Brown ducks a pair of Bengals defenders who then commit a helmet-to-helmet hit on each other. This one promises to be close ... you promised guys, don't let us down.

Steelers 29-26


New Orleans @ New York Giants

Last season's meeting between these two teams resulted in a 52-49 shootout in New Orleans, and now Brees and Manning meet in New York for a gunslinging rematch. This is exactly the kind of game that Obama and Crooked Hillary don't want you to see! They want to take away your guns and consequently your gunslingers. Can you imagine a world without gunslingers? Go ahead and think for a second of a world in which Brett Favre never existed. I'll tell ya right now, that's not someplace I'd want to live. God bless the NRA for fighting for our right to watch two high powered offenses go at it.

Giants 35-32


Miami @ New England

The Patriots won without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski last week begging the question: how did they cheat this time? There's no way that win was legit. I could smell the fishiness all the way in LA. Of course, I had quite a bit of leftover cod that I had to dump down the sink earlier in the day, and I do not have a garbage disposal, so that may have had something to do with the stench. Regardless, I'm sure that Belichick had something nefarious up his sleeve, and that this was involved.

Patriots 23-18


Kansas City @ Houston

It's a rematch of January's Wild Card playoff game, and dare I say a possible playoff preview for this season? If so, that would make this the second in a trilogy. So what can we expect based on our knowledge of the second installments of film trilogies? Perhaps Alex Smith will find out it was Andy Reid who betrayed him to a rival, or maybe JJ Watt will be frozen in carbonite. I'm just excited for the third one when Brock Osweiler gets into jazz and dyes his hair black. It sure seems like the Chiefs have the Texans' number, and I'll make my pick accordingly.

Chiefs 24-20


Tennessee @ Detroit

I told ya there would be a lot of points in that Detroit/Indy game didn't I? And what happened? Only the highest scoring game of the day. So maybe next time you'll listen to good ol' Mr. Pickman. Yes, I know I incorrectly said the Lions would lose. And ok, yes, I know I went 8-8 on the week. What, do you think you could've done better? Oh you think an ape picking at random could've done better? I'd like to see some research that backs up that opin... What do you mean you have an article? Let me see that! ... Gordie the football picking chimpanzee ... yada yada ... smears his feces by the team he thinks will win ... Oh this is ridiculous! Gordie clearly doesn't know anything about football! He probably just mindlessly stares at the screen every Sunday immobile and drooling for 7 hours at a time ... Hmm ... I'm smearing with Detroit!

Lions 30-22


Baltimore @ Cleveland

Oh boy. One week in and RG3 is already out. This is the most predictable thing since sliced bread. And I know that that saying doesn't seem like it works in this scenario, but back when bread came strictly in loaves there were a lot of folks predicting that it would eventually be sliced. Of course, they should have used that idea and just sliced the bread themselves, but that's not what us prognosticators do baby! Josh McCown now takes over as the Browns starter, which seems like no worse an option than Griffin, but then again, McCown is 2-17 over the last two seasons, so ...

Ravens 31-19


Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ Los Angeles

It's the first game in LA since December 24, 1994, when Dumb and Dumber ruled the box office, gas was free, and the kids were doing a new dance called the Osborn Shuffle. It was a simpler time, the crime rate was zero and no one locked their doors because they didn't have the option; doors simply didn't have locks back then. The Rams lost their opener last week 28-0 and just days later rumors began to surface that their coach Jeff Fisher would receive a contract extension. Heh, only in LA, right? If you tried to sell that as a Hollywood script they'd kick you out of the room. Not because it was too unbelievable but because it sounds like a lame movie that no one would watch.

Seahawks 20-6


Tampa Bay @ Arizona

Is it possible that the Cardinals could start the season with consecutive home losses? Mathematically speaking, yes. Is it probable? Mathematically speaking, who knows? And you see, this is where math fails us as a society. You can draw up all the formulas you want in an attempt to tell us who will win a football game, but math can't tell you how fast a man can run or how high he can jump. It can't tell you how far a man can throw a ball or when and where it will land. Yes, math has brought us many wonderful things in the past: airplanes, pizza, 1984 by George Orwell, the list goes on. But at the end of the day math ain't gonna tell me who won a football game, those numbers on that scoreboard will. And once I look long enough at that scoreboard and determine which of the two numbers is higher I'll know deep down in my heart and soul who came out on top.

Cardinals 26-20


Jacksonville @ San Diego

The Jaguars organization was quoted earlier in the week as saying that Chris Ivory was hospitalized with a "general illness." If Ivory ever embarks upon a hip hop career General Illness should be his rapper name. Not only because it sounds awesome but because I just copyrighted it, and if he makes money off of it I'm gonna be raking in the greenbacks. However, with that being said, can we trust that Ivory's hospital stay and "general illness" are above board? Who's to say that the Chris Ivory who went in to the hospital is the same Chris Ivory that came out? I'm not positing that it's a different person altogether, but it's highly likely that he was surgically altered, possibly with Wolverine style body enhancements that will make him an unstoppable force in the Jacksonville backfield. Consequently I have to go with the Jags here.

Jaguars 31-23


Atlanta @ Oakland

In response to ESPN stats & info tweeting a statistical counter argument to Jack Del Rio's decision to go for what would prove to be the game winning 2 point conversion the Raiders coach said "It's a good thing ESPN doesn't coach the Raiders." But what if ESPN did coach the Raiders? Tim Tebow would immediately be signed to play starting QB and instructed to personally deflate footballs in a bathroom before every game. Also they'd purposefully let teams make miraculous comebacks and try as many trick plays as possible. Actually, I'm talking myself into this; out with Jack in with Czarniak!

Raiders 33-25


Indianapolis @ Denver

I'm predicting that all available QBs for both teams will be injured, forcing the NFL's designated survivor Peyton Manning to play all-time quarterback; his dream come true. Unfortunately he's not what he used to be and he'll end the game with 1 TD and 7 INTs.

Broncos 23-20


Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Minnesota

Let's turn it over to the best color man in the game:

Thanks CriColl, meaningful and in depth analysis as always.

Packers 24-17


Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Chicago

After his sterling Week 1 debut against the Browns, Eagles' rookie quarterback Carson Wentz told reporters that his critics can go back from Wentz they came. He was then asked if he knew that his name and the word "whence" are not spelled the same. He said yes, but you could tell he was lying. However, a second reporter then chimed in to defend Wentz saying that the different spellings do not negatively affect the pun, and in fact, they may even heighten it. To which Wentz said, "Exactly!" while gesturing toward the initial reporter. But again, you could tell from the look on Wentz's face that he hadn't thought of that. Because that impressive Week 1 performance was against Cleveland, I'll wait until next week before I jump on the Wentz bandwagon, at whence point it may already be full.

Bears 27-21

NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

New York Jets @ Buffalo

Our first color rush game of the season and the Jets are wearing white?!? This is a result of last season's PR debacle when these two teams met in a green/red match-up that left color blind viewers miffed as to which team was which. I have a couple of problems with this. One, why bother scheduling these two to play again in a "color rush" Thursday night game? Just avoid the problem altogether. Secondly, and more importantly, when will the NFL stop capitulating to the oppressive color blind cartel? Someone needs to stand up to these monsters. They make me so mad that I see red. Then I remember that my ability to see red makes me better than those freaks and I calm down. 

Jets 20-16 

NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Years from now you'll be able to recall exactly where you were when you watched this game. You'll regale fellow party goers with your recounting of the big plays, what you were wearing, your snack of choice during the game, no detail will be omitted. Of course, I'm operating under the assumption that not only will you watch this game, but also that you have that Marilu Henner brain abnormality in which you remember every day of your life. If that's not the case then this will be a mostly forgettable contest. I expect both of these teams to hover around mediocrity, so it's fitting that they kickoff the year against each other, and that most of us don't have to pay any attention to it.

Falcons 27-23


Minnesota @ Tennessee

If he had reentered the draft this past Spring would Sam Bradford have been selected in the 1st round? Would he even have been selected in the 4th round? So why did Minnesota decide that he was worth both picks?!? Some have made the argument that the Vikings are pushing all of their chips in, making a win now move. Then why trade for a guy that's never won? I think they'll be punished for their foolishness with a humbling loss in Tennessee.

Titans 20-17


Cleveland @ Philadelphia

All indications were that the Eagles were going to bring quarterback Carson Wentz along slowly, possibly even sitting him for his entire rookie season. Well apparently they saw enough out of him in the preseason, when he was injured in his lone appearance, to anoint him as their QB1. At this point I'd pick them to lose handily to just about any team in the league. That being said, they're playing the Browns. Now I don't know what to do. (Covering my eyes as I type ...)

Browns 10-9


Cincinnati @ New York Jets

It's a match-up between two playoff contenders. Then again, you could make that statement about any game this weekend and technically be correct. Except for Cleveland/Philly, they've both been mathematically eliminated already. Ryan Fitzpatrick played hardball with the Jets regarding his contract and won because his argument was you can either pay me or let Geno Smith be your starting quarterback. At that point the Jets had no choice but to back up the Brinks truck baby! That's right, they paid him entirely in cash. Sounds cool but it's actually very inconvenient for Ryan and his family. Imagine how stressful it must be to have that much cash sitting in your house at all hours. To make matters worse the Jets made a big show of the delivery, commissioning a parade to lead the armored car through the neighborhood so that everyone would be aware of the piles and piles of loose money that are now stashed within that house. The Fitzpatricks are living a waking nightmare. Due to all the stress I expect Fitz and the Jets to be sluggish in their first outing.

Bengals 23-16


Oakland @ New Orleans

There's a whole lotta buzz surrounding the Raiders coming into this season, but a lengthy road trip and a 10am kickoff to start the schedule could be a little tough to handle. I think they may struggle as a result. Then again, I could see them easily handling a Saints team that I don't expect to be very good. So basically I think Oakland will either win or lose.

Saints 30-28


San Diego @ Kansas City

To help improve his clock management skills after his deficiencies reached critical mass in a disastrous end to the Chiefs' playoff loss Andy Reid's wife put him in charge of managing all the clocks in their house. Sources tell me that it did not go well. He forgot about daylight savings time and as a result all of his clocks are still an hour behind. Don't be surprised when Reid doesn't show up until the 2nd quarter on Sunday. KC should still be able to rally from the resulting slow start.

Chiefs 27-17


Buffalo @ Baltimore

Tyrod Taylor will return to Baltimore, where he toiled on the bench for four seasons, and triumphantly shout, "Remember me?!?" To which the Ravens fans will respond, "Oh yeah. Hey what's up?" It won't be the frightened, trembling reaction he was hoping for and it will throw him off his game for much of the day. In this toss-up that will be too big of a hole for the Bills to dig themselves out of.

Ravens 20-17


Chicago @ Houston

At this point JaDeveon Clowney's injury saga seems like a neverending story. I say that not only because maladies nag him on an annual basis, but also because he looks like Falcor.

This man's luck is draggin'. I assume he's relatively healthy for Week 1 (I haven't actually verified that), and even if he weren't I'd still go with the Texans in this one.

Texans 23-13


Green Bay @ Jacksonville

The Jags should sign Jordan Rodgers, make him a captain, and send him out for the opening coin toss. He'll stare deep into Aaron's soul, rose in hand, their lips beginning to tremble. Together they'll break down in tears and hug, walking off the field arm in arm. And who was the ref? That's right, Chris Harrison. Why? Don't overthink it. I'm expecting a lot (probably too much) from Jacksonville this season and I think it starts with them giving Green Bay all they can handle in the opener.

Packers 35-31


Sunday Afternoon

Miami @ Seattle

The Dolphins open up their season with the longest road trip possible in the NFL. And I do mean road trip. I have it on good authority that the whole team piled onto a bus and left for Seattle last week. They've been leisurely weaving their way across the country stopping at many a roadside attraction. As fun as it sounds it was really a foolish endeavor, the team has missed a lot of valuable practice time. Then again, they did get to see the second largest ball of twine on the face of the earth along the way, so there were pros and cons (Side note: Pros and Cons would be a great title for a book about an NFL team that had a lot of off the field trouble with the law; unless it's already been used. If not I'm calling dibs). Make no mistake though, they'll be pooped by the time they get off the bus, which won't bode well for their chances.

Seahawks 27-10


New York Giants @ Dallas

Ben McAdoo does not look like an NFL coach. He looks like an opposing youth soccer coach from 1994. Like the team is from the next town over, and they're probably no different than you and the kids from your neighborhood that you play with but something just seems off, and he's the embodiment of it. Needless to say I don't have much confidence in him. But I think his squad will get by an already banged up/suspended Cowboy team.

Giants 30-22


Detroit @ Indianapolis

Do you like points? Good, because this game will have them in ... Wait did you say no? You don't like points? What's your deal man? This is so typical, I have some awesome, hyped up blurb about this game and all the sick, scoreboard bustin' action we're going to see in it and then you take a fat dump on the whole thing by saying "Nah, don't like points." And I can tell you're doing it just to be a contrarian too, that's what make me so furious! Ya know what, fine, just don't watch this game then, no skin off my knee. Or whatever, watch it. But if I even see you so much as crack a smile or pump your fist after a touchdown I'm gonna tear you a new one pal. I'll put you on blast on alllll the social medias, I'll sign up for the ones I don't have just to drag you through the mud. I can't wait, oh I can't wait to throw this back in your face.

Colts 34-31


Sunday Night

New England @ Arizona

It's the moment I think we've all been waiting for. No, not this game, the analysis from my favorite and yours, CriColl himself, Cris Collinsworth! Obviously we haven't heard anything from him over the Summer so it should be interesting to hear what he's been up to and get his insight on this match-up. Take it away CC:

Wow, not what I was expecting from such a professional, but hey we all have off months. In fact, Tom Brady is having an off month right now, which makes this an easy pick. Also, please nobody tell Cris about Romo.

Cardinals 24-14


Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Washington

Here's an interconference match up between 2015 playoff teams. Right now you're probably thinking "Oh boy, here's another dimwitted goof from a would be jokesmith." But I'm not kidding, Washington was actually a playoff team! Feel free to double check, I did. The fact that probably half of you had to look it up too should help explain why I'm not expecting very much from this group. Meanwhile, the Steelers have what should be an explosive offense despite the fact that they really like weed. As a result they'll be missing a couple pieces to start the season, but that shouldn't stop them from coming out smoking ... weed. They're just going to keep smoking weed. They'll probably have 3-5 more players suspended throughout the season. Regardless, they should be able to handle this one.

Steelers 30-23


Los Angeles @ San Francisco

Jeff Fisher's 7-9 rant from Hard Knocks sounded like Todd Parker at the end of Boogie Nights. (Clip is NSFW, unless you work at a totally badass office)

Desperate ravings of a hopeless man who knows he's beat. In other news, this game will be nationally televised and the starting quarterbacks will be Case Keenum and Blaine Gabbert. Umm.

Rams 13-10

NFL Picks - Week 1 Thursday

Carolina @ Denver 

The first game of the 2016 season is a rematch of the final game of the 2015 season. The Super Bowl. Remember? Yeah, I barely do either. It was pretty lame, let's all agree to just forget it ever happened. But I guess for the sake of argument the Broncos are defending world champions and they're starting quarterback for Week 1 is ... Trevor Siemian. Oh boy, this doesn't look promising. That's not to say that Denver had stellar quarterback play in their championship run last season, but this looks to be a whole other, worse level. We could be heading towards the biggest disaster involving a Siemian since Harambe. The Broncos should still be able to handle the lesser teams on their schedule, but Carolina is not one of those lesser teams, they're a morer team.

Panthers 17-13

2016 NFL Preview

An NFL season is a tumbling mass of combustible elements randomly crashing into each other and hurdling toward catastrophe for all but one team. Every year things happen that nobody could have predicted, things we couldn't possibly have seen coming. Or so you thought. I have seen these things, and I shall present them to you retroactively once the season is over. You're simply not ready for them right now. But I will give you a taste of what's to come.  Here are 9 seemingly outrageous events that will occur during the 2016 NFL season. Hear me now and believe me later ...

-With injuries running rampant (Teddy Bridgewater) the league will finally decide to use a Prestige style cloning system to replace fallen stars. Aaron Rodgers broke a thumb? Stick him in a water tank and bring in his duplicate. Look, if Tesla figured this technology out 100+ years ago there's no reason we shouldn't be using it now.

-The Rams will go 7-9 again. This might not seem like a surprise but Jeff Fisher swears it's not going to fucking happen ok?!? 

-Tom Brady will be suspended for the first four games ... in a cage above the field. If you read through the fine print on the terms of his suspension, which Tom clearly didn't, you'll see it there. 

-Eric Dickerson's record will be broken. Not his rushing record, but his cherished copy of Frampton Comes Alive. It will be shattered in a dusting accident. Strangely enough it will be by Adrian Peterson.

-The Browns will go undefeated, but also winless. 16 ties. Umm, I might have to rethink this one. 

-The league will be 100% concussion free, except for Ben Roethlisberger, who will suffer 22 throughout the season. Seven will come on one Sunday when he's being transported off the field and repeatedly falls off the stretcher and gets slammed into doors in a troubling, yet highly comedic fashion.

-Due to a scheduling quirk the Packers next away game after Week 2 is in Week 8. This will allow the players to spend 40 straight days in Wisconsin, which will be the most in a row for many of them. As a result a majority of the squad will develop cabin fever by the time that last game rolls around, leading to a lot of 1,000 yard stares, maniacal running, and a fear of human contact that will prove costly in a 98-0 loss to the Bears.  

-Blaine Gabbert will be the 49ers starting QB and set a career high in touchdown passes with ... 13. In related news, Blaine Gabbert's current career high in touchdown passes is 12.  

-By midseason Peyton Manning will get the itch to play again and convince Eli to swap places with him for a game. Despite the elder brother's belief that he's executing a cunning ruse it will be obvious to everyone watching that he's not Eli. He'll be outed immediately as he steps on the field and escorted out of the stadium shortly thereafter. It will be a pitiful scene and a stark reminder of the career mortality of even the most accomplished professional athletes. Inevitably the young men we cheer for today will eventually be confronted by the second halves of their lives with no goal line to run toward. Also, someone will dump a beer on Peyton's head when he's walking back through the tunnel, so that'll be pretty funny.  

These claims might all seem outlandish to you now, but did you think the Panthers would go 15-1 last season? Exaclty, so let's not rush to judgement just yet.

But now, without further delay, let's take a look at the 2016 standings according to me. This time around with visual aides! (Playoff teams in ITALICS)

AFC North

Pittsburgh:   11-5

Cincinnati:   9-7
Baltimore:   7-9
Cleveland:   2-14

AFC South
Houston:   9-6-1
Jacksonville:   9-7
Indianapolis:   8-7-1
Tennessee:   5-11

AFC East

New England:  11-5

New York Jets:  8-8

Buffalo:  8-8

Miami:  5-11

AFC West
Kansas City:    11-5
Oakland:  10-6
Denver:  8-8
San Diego:    6-10

As you can see, I'm on the Raiders bandwagon with everyone else, but I'm also cruising along on the Jags-mobile, which you might assume is a Jaguar car, but it's actually far from it. Jacksonville makes the playoffs with the help of a tie between two of their divisional foes. Elsewhere, the Patriots manage an 11-5 record even with the aforementioned Brady suspension. But they'll have to crawl their way out of the Wild Card round due to some tiebreakers that I'm just assuming will work against them because "the NFL hates the Patriots!" - Every New Englander.

NFC North
Green Bay:    12-4
Detroit:    9-7
Minnesota:   6-10
Chicago:    5-11

NFC South
Carolina:   11-5
Atlanta:     9-7
Tampa Bay:    8-8
New Orleans:   5-11

NFC East
Dallas:   9-7
New York Giants:  7-9
Washington:  6-10
Philadelphia:    4-12

NFC West
Seattle:  16-0
Arizona:   11-5
St. Louis:   7-9
San Francisco:     3-13

Looks like the Hawks will cruise again. The Cowboys will keep their head above water until Romo returns and leads them to the NFC East title in a limp division. The Jim Bob Cooter experience in Detroit continues to be fruitful, and after a late season surge in 2015, the Lions get back to the playoffs in '16.

And now, the playoffs ...

AFC Wild Card Round

Oakland over Houston
New England over Jacksonville

AFC Divisional Round

New England over Kansas City
Pittsburgh over Oakland

AFC Championship

New England over Pittsburgh

NFC

NFC Wild Card Round

Dallas over Arizona
Carolina over Detroit

NFC Divisional Round

Seattle over Dallas
Carolina over Green Bay

NFC Championship 

Seattle over Carolina

Super Bowl LI

Seattle over New England

MI-NI HEL-METS (CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP)

See ya next week with the return of the picks!

And if you'd like to pick along join this Pro Pick'em league on yahoo:

League ID: 27697

Password: picks

Retirement Announcement

As I'm sure you're aware there has been a recent spate of retirements in the NFL. Peyton Manning, Charles Woodson, Justin Tuck, Jared Allen, and, most recently, legendary quarterback Matthew Hasselbeck have all called it quits after long, illustrious careers. But the two retirements that really stood out to me were  those of Marshawn Lynch and Calvin Johnson, 29 and 30 years old, respectively. With the violent nature of the game and the increasing awareness of concussions and their effect on the brain it's no surprise that we're seeing more and more players end their careers while still at a young age. Having recently turned 30 myself this has weighed heavily on my thoughts. It's with this in mind that I formally announce my retirement from the NFL.

To be clear, this does not mean that I will stop watching the NFL, writing about it, or attending games. No, it simply means that my playing career is over. Unfortunately, in a way it never truly began. I recorded the following "audition" tape of sorts in 2008 and mailed it to all 32 teams prior to each of the last 8 seasons:

Somewhat surprisingly I didn't get an overwhelming response. In fact, the only team I heard back from was the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but after we were unable to come to an agreement on accommodations I was forced to cancel my trip. I mean, I don't think a fully comped minibar and a 2-day pass to Busch Gardens is too much to ask, but I guess some folks just do business differently. Since then the waters have dried up and with every passing year it becomes clearer and clearer that my best days are behind me.

I did not come to this decision easily. There have been plenty of sleepless nights (mostly related to my crippling fear of potential nightmares and not my impending career decision) and phone calls at all hours to family members who mostly told me to "get lost" and said with stunning regularity that they didn't care either way because they knew I would never play professional football in any capacity. It was clear from day one that they never believed in my dream. Well I guess I showed them ... that they were right.

Will I miss the game? Of course. On second thought, since I never actually played, I guess I technically can't miss it. What I will miss is watching a play on TV and saying, "You know when I'm in the league I'll make that catch." From now on I'll only be able to say things like, "You know if I had ever played in the league I would have made that catch." Not all is lost though. I'm actually looking forward to the next stage in my life. My retirement will free me up to spend time focusing on the most important things in my life: my wife and kids. I have neither, but now I have time to focus on finding a wife and subsequently having said children.

I just want to close by saying thank you to everyone out there who believed in me, you know who you are. I don't, because nobody ever told me that personally, but I'm confident you're out there. God bless you, God bless football, and God bless this mess (My apartment is seriously dirty; I'll probably take care of that before the wife and kids thing).