You ruined my joke.
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7.01.2012
Euro Finals
I'll be live blogging all interesting moments from the euro finals right here. All interesting moments.
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
4.27.2012
Day 2 Diary
Hey Draft fans! How about that first round? The picks came so fast and furious that they're considering having Paul Walker read the picks next year. Or maybe even Rocky "Dwayne" Johnson.
Now Day 2 is here! Where will the Seahawks go with their picks today? Share your thoughts all day long!
Pete's Players to Watch
Day 2 is upon us. Time to debut the PPTW List. Read more for the select few who have made the list.
4.26.2012
Let's Get Ready to DRAFT!
The 2012 NFL Draft will be underway in moments. Be sure to check back for comments throughout the night and share your own thoughts. But, hey, enough of my yackin'. Whattaya say? Let's boogie!.
Draftv Day Buzz
For those of you not following HCM on Twitter, be sure to check back here for updates on any Draft Day Buzz. Feel free to share your own buzz in the comments section.
4.25.2012
Draft Eve Mock
1. Indianapolis
Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
2. Washington
Redskins – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
3. Minnesota
Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
4. Cleveland
Browns – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
5. Tampa
Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
6. St.
Louis Rams – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma St
7. Jacksonville
Jaguars – Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
8. Miami
Dolphins – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi
St
9. Carolina
Panthers – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
10. Buffalo
Bills – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
11. Kansas
City Chiefs – David DeCastro, G, Stanford
12. Seattle
Seahawks – Chandler Jones, DE, Syracuse
13. Arizona
Cardinals – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
14. Dallas
Cowboys – Mark Barron, S, Alabama
15. Philadelphia
Eagles – Stephon Gilmore, CB, South Carolina
16. New
York Jets – Quinton Coples, DE, UNC
17. Cincinnati
Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
18. San
Diego Chargers – Michael Brockers, DT/DE, LSU
19. Chicago
Bears – Whitney Mercilus, DE, Illinois
20. Tennessee
Titans – Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
21. Cincinnati
Bengals – Courtney Upshaw, DE, Alabama
22. Cleveland
Browns – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
23. Detroit
Lions – Cordy Glenn, G/T, Georgia
24. Pittsburgh
Steelers – Dont’a Hightower, ILB, Alabama
25. Denver
Broncos – Jerel Worthy, DT, Michigan St
26. Houston
Texans – Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
27. New
England Patriots – Shea McClellin, OLB, Boise St
28. Green
Bay Packers – Nick Perry, OLB, USC
29. Baltimore
Ravens – Peter Konz, G/C, Wisconsin
30. San
Francisco 49ers – Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech
31. New
England Patriots – Harrison Smith, S, Notre Dame
32. New
York Giants – Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford
.
4.14.2012
Mountain out of a Tannehill
Mustacheers, let me be the first (and only) to apologize for the lack of draft coverage this year. I have no excuse to keep my expertise from you, our dedeicated readers. I would like to appeal specifically to one Robert Bateman. Mr. Bateman, I know that you pride yourself on carefully placed, and precisely worded, barbs in reference to my posts. I apologize for giving you inadequate opportunities to throw my inadequate commentary back in my face. Having said that, Alex Smith still has very small hands and no Seahawk has ever cried his eyes out after catching a touchdown. But I'm veering away from the real reason of my post. I wanted to touch on one Ryan Tannehill. This jerk has somehow worked his way in to the discussion of being a top 5 pick. Some former NFL execs are even saying that teams will need to trade to #3 to draft him. I would like to appeal to any team in the first round: do not draft Ryan Tannehill. He is a second round quarterback. I understand that QB is the most important position in football, but just because you don't have a great QB doesn't mean you NEED to spend your first round pick there. I reviewed the tape from the Meineke Car Care Bowl (Northwestern v. Texas A&M) and the following are my exact notes taken from the game. Please read them and decide if you'd like Mr. Tannehill as your QB. .
First Quarter
Tannehill threw an out route to the inside shoulder. Dangerous to put that throw there.
Threw a strike while rolling to his right. Nice zip on the ball.
Receivers dropped a few passes.
Second Quarter
Almost overthrew a screen.
Throwing a lot of quick WR screens. Big deal.
Takes some snaps under center.
Nice half-fade for the TD. Got the ball out on time. Could have thrown it a bit further though.
Third Quarter
Nice play action out of his own end zone. No panic. Threw right to the spot he needed to.
Rolled right and threw it directly to the underneath LB. LB dropped the INT.
In the 3rd Q this year, 6 picks and only 3 TDs.
Too many screens. Tough to say his completion % is solid if he throws this many dink and dunk passes.
Fourth Quarter
Rolled right and put too much float on ball for his TE. Defender was able to make a play on the ball and pick it off. Could have put it a bit further for a big gain.
A&M let a lot of teams come back on them this year. I don’t like a QB who can’t put together a drive or two when his team is letting the game slip away. Makes me question his composure and leadership skills.
Snaps the ball with 10 on the play clock and throws a route that runs his receiver right to the sidelines. They’re up 8 with 3:50 left.
Nice strike and zip on a 3rd down pass that they really needed.
Game clinching 3rd down completion was put in the perfect spot just over the coverage. Nice play by the WR to catch the ball.
First Quarter
Tannehill threw an out route to the inside shoulder. Dangerous to put that throw there.
Threw a strike while rolling to his right. Nice zip on the ball.
Receivers dropped a few passes.
Second Quarter
Almost overthrew a screen.
Throwing a lot of quick WR screens. Big deal.
Takes some snaps under center.
Nice half-fade for the TD. Got the ball out on time. Could have thrown it a bit further though.
Third Quarter
Nice play action out of his own end zone. No panic. Threw right to the spot he needed to.
Rolled right and threw it directly to the underneath LB. LB dropped the INT.
In the 3rd Q this year, 6 picks and only 3 TDs.
Too many screens. Tough to say his completion % is solid if he throws this many dink and dunk passes.
Fourth Quarter
Rolled right and put too much float on ball for his TE. Defender was able to make a play on the ball and pick it off. Could have put it a bit further for a big gain.
A&M let a lot of teams come back on them this year. I don’t like a QB who can’t put together a drive or two when his team is letting the game slip away. Makes me question his composure and leadership skills.
Snaps the ball with 10 on the play clock and throws a route that runs his receiver right to the sidelines. They’re up 8 with 3:50 left.
Nice strike and zip on a 3rd down pass that they really needed.
Game clinching 3rd down completion was put in the perfect spot just over the coverage. Nice play by the WR to catch the ball.
3.28.2012
Your 2012 MLB Opening Series in Japan Final Game Open Thread
You only get the one chance in your lifetime to watch the M's live at 3am for two consecutive nights in late March. Let's not waste this opportunity. Since they are so far ahead of us I actually already know how the game ends. And because I am such a nice guy and most of you will be asleep like babies, here you go:
Looks like we are gonna be playing extras again! And Pete will be able to catch a bit of it when his alarm goes of at 5:30
3.27.2012
Your 2012 MLB Season Opener Open Thread
I dont know how Ichiro got his uniform, bat, and glove in that tiny suitcase, but my sources in Japan tell me that he will have everything he needs to play today. In the more great news department: Your party hosts will be here all night and into the wee hours of the morning, and then some, to bring you all the action of this morning's game against the stupid A's. Please feel free to join in on the fun!!!!!
3.09.2012
2012 NFL Mock Draft: Mock Hard
As the 2011/12 NFL season came to an end, the pre-draft buzz shifted from the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to an even more interesting storyline: the Kansas City Chiefs and the Seattle Seahawks finished in an unbreakable tie. This ensured that, regardless of the tiebreaking coin flip, the most random streak in professional sports would continue for a 4th straight year.
The Chiefs and Seahawks have picked consecutively in the NFL draft each year since 2009 (2009: 3/4 (KC/SEA); 2010: 5/6 (KC/SEA); 2011: 25/26 (SEA/KC); 2012: 11/12 (KC/SEA)). And they would have picked 23/24 in 2007, but the Hawks traded their 1st rounder to New England. The picks have turned out similar for each team too.
2009: the high picks didn’t/haven’t panned out (Tyson Jackson and Curry).
2010: the picks look like they’ll be fixture for both teams, but have had injury problems (Eric Berry and Okung).
2011: probably too early to tell (Carpenter and Jonathan Baldwin)
Who will be picked in 2012? That’s impossible to predict. One prediction I am confident in: the Chiefs will have the 31st pick in the 2013 draft. But enough about that, let’s get on to the predictions for 2012 in this year’s initial Mock Draft!
1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
This would really fill a big need for the Colts. They just cut a QB and now they have the chance to take one in the draft. Some people say Andrew Luck is the best QB prospect to come along since John Elway. I’m really hoping Luck pulls an Elway here and tells the Colts he won’t play for them. How hilarious would that be? They cut Peyton Manning and then Luck just holds out and never signs.
2. St. Louis Rams – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
It’s been pretty well covered at this point that the Rams will be trading this pick. Whoever comes up to this spot will be taking RG3. He’s a great athlete, but is actually a pretty solid QB too. My guess is that the Browns will be the ones to trade up here. The Redskins would be my 2nd bet.
3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Obviously.
4. Cleveland Browns – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
This is based on the assumption that the Rams will be picking here. Rams Rule #14: after any catch made by a Rams receiver yell “get down” to remind the player to drop to the turf immediately like back in the Holt & Bruce glory days.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Overshadowed a bit by the Honey Badger at LSU, but he’s just as good if not better. He just doesn’t have a cool nickname. Maybe we can give him one. Keeping in line with the nicknamed-after-an-internet-video theme, I suggest calling him Weather Dork (look it up).
6. Washington Redskins – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
Good pick morons. Might as well pick Ryan Tannehill if you want to guarantee disappointment.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars – Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
They could use some help with the pass rush and I think Ingram will end up being the highest DE drafted.
8. Miami Dolphins – Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
This guy is going to go way higher than he should because of how much buzz he generated at the Combine. He’s over 340lbs but ran a sub-5 40 and did 44 reps on the bench. He looked pretty good in all the drills, but I’m not sure why that would matter more than his actual game tape. I’d like to hear what people say between now and the draft. Personally, I didn’t watch a single Memphis game all year, so I can’t say this would definitely be a reach.
9. Carolina Panthers – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
I think they’d probably like to take a DT or an OT, but I’m not sure there’s one worth the 9th pick. I’m also not sure that Michael Floyd is worth the 9th pick, but who knows.
10. Buffalo Bills – Quinton Coples, DE, UNC
A favorite of Mustacheer Fortune, Coples has some questions about his motor and the consistency of his effort. Well, if playing for Chan Gailey in Buffalo doesn’t get you motivated I don’t know what will.
11. Kansas City Chiefs – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
I don’t really think he’ll go here, but I don’t see him lasting much longer than this. If he drops to #12, the Hawks should take him and just run on every single down with him and Beast Mode until the defense just quits, which should be about half way through the 3rd quarter (or 1st quarter if it’s the Rams).
12. Seattle Seahawks – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
I just put this pick here to piss myself off. I don’t think there’s any chance the Hawks take Tannehill. His team constantly blew leads and couldn’t win down the stretch. It happened multiple times last year and that has to be concerning to NFL teams, right?
So what should the Hawks do here? I think the biggest need is DE. The two top guys (Ingram and Coples) are off the board in this scenario. I’m a big fan of Whitney Mercilus from Illinois. He really only produced during his final season, so some are knocking him as a one-year wonder. He is probably a pass-rush only guy and might be a liability in run support. But let’s consider him the pick for now because it won’t make me angry like Tannehill. I’ll just ignore Tannehill for the rest of the first round too.
Another option would be Luke Kuechly (LB, Boston College). If the Heater isn’t resigned, then there will be a definite need at ILB and Kuechly seems like the type of guy who could be a starter from day 1.
13. Arizona Cardinals – Courtney Upshaw, OLB/DE, Alabama
Who gives a shit.
14. Dallas Cowboys – David DeCastro, G, Stanford
15. Philadelphia Eagles – Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
16. New York Jets – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
17. Cincinnati Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
Big corner. Nice pick Bengals!
18. San Diego Chargers – Mark Barron, S, Alabama
We’ve clearly gotten to the point where I’ve forgotten the names of most the prospects, so I’m just listing starters from Alabama’s defense. Luckily, the picks make sense.
19. Chicago Bears – Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
He is a big, huge dude that impressed people at the Combine. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Looked to me like he’s way too much of a waist bender.
20. Tennessee Titans – Peter Konz, C, Wisconsin
When you have a chance to take Peter Konz, you take Peter Konz. I hope Tennessee has enough phone staff on hand to collect all of the season ticket orders that come in on Friday morning after this pick is made Thursday night.
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Cordy Glenn, G, Georgia
He is a big, huge dude that impressed people at the Combine. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Looked to me like he’s way too much of a waist bender.
22. Cleveland Browns – Mike Adams, OT, Ohio State
This would be the Rams pick if the assumed trade goes through. So, good luck Mike Adams.
If this pick still belongs to the Browns, maybe they can take that goof Tannehill.
23. Detroit Lions – Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama
He was thought of as a Top 10 pick before getting kicked out of Florida. He needs to convince people that his character issues are a thing of the past. His skill level looks to be pretty similar to when he was at UF. But whoever drafts him will also be drafting his inner demons.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers – Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama
25. Denver Broncos – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State
26. Houston Texans – Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech
Really flashed at the Combine. Ran a fast 40 and looked great in the drills. He comes from an option offense, so his skills weren’t on display in college nearly as much as other big time WR prospects. I think this will get him picked higher than Kendall Wright even though he probably shouldn’t.
27. New England Patriots – Nick Perry, OLB/DE, USC
28. Green Bay Packers – Devon Still, DT/DE, Penn State
29. Baltimore Ravens – Andre Branch, DE/OLB, Clemson
I have a feeling that one of the 2nd round rush LB will sneak into this spot. Not sure if it will be Branch, Vinny Curry (Marshall) or Chandler Jones (Syracuse; brother of Jon “Bones” Jones). I like Curry a bit more, but I think Branch will go higher.
30. San Francisco 49ers – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
Big deal.
31. New England Patriots – Harrison Smith, S, Notre Dame
Mayock loves this guy. That’s enough for me to think he’ll sneak into the first round.
32. New York Giants – Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford
Geeze, the rich get richer, huh?
.
The Chiefs and Seahawks have picked consecutively in the NFL draft each year since 2009 (2009: 3/4 (KC/SEA); 2010: 5/6 (KC/SEA); 2011: 25/26 (SEA/KC); 2012: 11/12 (KC/SEA)). And they would have picked 23/24 in 2007, but the Hawks traded their 1st rounder to New England. The picks have turned out similar for each team too.
2009: the high picks didn’t/haven’t panned out (Tyson Jackson and Curry).
2010: the picks look like they’ll be fixture for both teams, but have had injury problems (Eric Berry and Okung).
2011: probably too early to tell (Carpenter and Jonathan Baldwin)
Who will be picked in 2012? That’s impossible to predict. One prediction I am confident in: the Chiefs will have the 31st pick in the 2013 draft. But enough about that, let’s get on to the predictions for 2012 in this year’s initial Mock Draft!
1. Indianapolis Colts – Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
This would really fill a big need for the Colts. They just cut a QB and now they have the chance to take one in the draft. Some people say Andrew Luck is the best QB prospect to come along since John Elway. I’m really hoping Luck pulls an Elway here and tells the Colts he won’t play for them. How hilarious would that be? They cut Peyton Manning and then Luck just holds out and never signs.
2. St. Louis Rams – Robert Griffin III, QB, Baylor
It’s been pretty well covered at this point that the Rams will be trading this pick. Whoever comes up to this spot will be taking RG3. He’s a great athlete, but is actually a pretty solid QB too. My guess is that the Browns will be the ones to trade up here. The Redskins would be my 2nd bet.
3. Minnesota Vikings – Matt Kalil, OT, USC
Obviously.
4. Cleveland Browns – Justin Blackmon, WR, Oklahoma State
This is based on the assumption that the Rams will be picking here. Rams Rule #14: after any catch made by a Rams receiver yell “get down” to remind the player to drop to the turf immediately like back in the Holt & Bruce glory days.
5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Morris Claiborne, CB, LSU
Overshadowed a bit by the Honey Badger at LSU, but he’s just as good if not better. He just doesn’t have a cool nickname. Maybe we can give him one. Keeping in line with the nicknamed-after-an-internet-video theme, I suggest calling him Weather Dork (look it up).
6. Washington Redskins – Riley Reiff, OT, Iowa
Good pick morons. Might as well pick Ryan Tannehill if you want to guarantee disappointment.
7. Jacksonville Jaguars – Melvin Ingram, DE, South Carolina
They could use some help with the pass rush and I think Ingram will end up being the highest DE drafted.
8. Miami Dolphins – Dontari Poe, DT, Memphis
This guy is going to go way higher than he should because of how much buzz he generated at the Combine. He’s over 340lbs but ran a sub-5 40 and did 44 reps on the bench. He looked pretty good in all the drills, but I’m not sure why that would matter more than his actual game tape. I’d like to hear what people say between now and the draft. Personally, I didn’t watch a single Memphis game all year, so I can’t say this would definitely be a reach.
9. Carolina Panthers – Michael Floyd, WR, Notre Dame
I think they’d probably like to take a DT or an OT, but I’m not sure there’s one worth the 9th pick. I’m also not sure that Michael Floyd is worth the 9th pick, but who knows.
10. Buffalo Bills – Quinton Coples, DE, UNC
A favorite of Mustacheer Fortune, Coples has some questions about his motor and the consistency of his effort. Well, if playing for Chan Gailey in Buffalo doesn’t get you motivated I don’t know what will.
11. Kansas City Chiefs – Trent Richardson, RB, Alabama
I don’t really think he’ll go here, but I don’t see him lasting much longer than this. If he drops to #12, the Hawks should take him and just run on every single down with him and Beast Mode until the defense just quits, which should be about half way through the 3rd quarter (or 1st quarter if it’s the Rams).
12. Seattle Seahawks – Ryan Tannehill, QB, Texas A&M
I just put this pick here to piss myself off. I don’t think there’s any chance the Hawks take Tannehill. His team constantly blew leads and couldn’t win down the stretch. It happened multiple times last year and that has to be concerning to NFL teams, right?
So what should the Hawks do here? I think the biggest need is DE. The two top guys (Ingram and Coples) are off the board in this scenario. I’m a big fan of Whitney Mercilus from Illinois. He really only produced during his final season, so some are knocking him as a one-year wonder. He is probably a pass-rush only guy and might be a liability in run support. But let’s consider him the pick for now because it won’t make me angry like Tannehill. I’ll just ignore Tannehill for the rest of the first round too.
Another option would be Luke Kuechly (LB, Boston College). If the Heater isn’t resigned, then there will be a definite need at ILB and Kuechly seems like the type of guy who could be a starter from day 1.
13. Arizona Cardinals – Courtney Upshaw, OLB/DE, Alabama
Who gives a shit.
14. Dallas Cowboys – David DeCastro, G, Stanford
15. Philadelphia Eagles – Michael Brockers, DT, LSU
16. New York Jets – Luke Kuechly, LB, Boston College
17. Cincinnati Bengals – Dre Kirkpatrick, CB, Alabama
Big corner. Nice pick Bengals!
18. San Diego Chargers – Mark Barron, S, Alabama
We’ve clearly gotten to the point where I’ve forgotten the names of most the prospects, so I’m just listing starters from Alabama’s defense. Luckily, the picks make sense.
19. Chicago Bears – Jonathan Martin, OT, Stanford
He is a big, huge dude that impressed people at the Combine. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Looked to me like he’s way too much of a waist bender.
20. Tennessee Titans – Peter Konz, C, Wisconsin
When you have a chance to take Peter Konz, you take Peter Konz. I hope Tennessee has enough phone staff on hand to collect all of the season ticket orders that come in on Friday morning after this pick is made Thursday night.
21. Cincinnati Bengals – Cordy Glenn, G, Georgia
He is a big, huge dude that impressed people at the Combine. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Looked to me like he’s way too much of a waist bender.
22. Cleveland Browns – Mike Adams, OT, Ohio State
This would be the Rams pick if the assumed trade goes through. So, good luck Mike Adams.
If this pick still belongs to the Browns, maybe they can take that goof Tannehill.
23. Detroit Lions – Janoris Jenkins, CB, North Alabama
He was thought of as a Top 10 pick before getting kicked out of Florida. He needs to convince people that his character issues are a thing of the past. His skill level looks to be pretty similar to when he was at UF. But whoever drafts him will also be drafting his inner demons.
24. Pittsburgh Steelers – Dont’a Hightower, LB, Alabama
25. Denver Broncos – Fletcher Cox, DT, Mississippi State
26. Houston Texans – Stephen Hill, WR, Georgia Tech
Really flashed at the Combine. Ran a fast 40 and looked great in the drills. He comes from an option offense, so his skills weren’t on display in college nearly as much as other big time WR prospects. I think this will get him picked higher than Kendall Wright even though he probably shouldn’t.
27. New England Patriots – Nick Perry, OLB/DE, USC
28. Green Bay Packers – Devon Still, DT/DE, Penn State
29. Baltimore Ravens – Andre Branch, DE/OLB, Clemson
I have a feeling that one of the 2nd round rush LB will sneak into this spot. Not sure if it will be Branch, Vinny Curry (Marshall) or Chandler Jones (Syracuse; brother of Jon “Bones” Jones). I like Curry a bit more, but I think Branch will go higher.
30. San Francisco 49ers – Kendall Wright, WR, Baylor
Big deal.
31. New England Patriots – Harrison Smith, S, Notre Dame
Mayock loves this guy. That’s enough for me to think he’ll sneak into the first round.
32. New York Giants – Coby Fleener, TE, Stanford
Geeze, the rich get richer, huh?
.
2.02.2012
Super Bowl XLVI
It's time for the Super Bowl!!! (Right now you should be imagining a laser light show accompanied by techno music. Having trouble? This will help. You should really watch all 7 minutes, but if you think you have better things to do skip to the 2:40 mark for an express pump-up.) Personally I couldn't be more jazzed, finally the season will come to an end and we can all figure out something else to do on Sundays other than drink and watch football all day ... awww shit.
***
After spending the last 45 minutes meditating (crying) (why did I type that!?) I'm now ready to break down this game. The Giants biggest strength, their pass rush, has the ability to neutralize the Pats biggest strength, their passing game. Meanwhile, the Pats biggest weakness, their pass D, can easily be exploited by the Giants. This will most likely be the difference in the game. Another difference in this game is that it's for the NFL title, making it very different from other games. As for the actual difference in scores at the end of the game, because it's a Super Bowl involving the Belichick Patriots the margin will obviously be three.
Giants 27-24
Now let's take a look at some prop bets:
-First team to score: Patriots
-First score of the game: Field Goal
-Player to score first TD: Jake Ballard
-Will Madonna's muscular old arms gross me out at halftime: Yes
-Over/Under 3.5 shots of Peyton Manning: Over
-Will I realize during the game that I don't like either of these teams and that any conclusion will ultimately be unsatisfying: Yes
-Will Lawrence Tynes make a big kick and hug his placeholder, resulting in Chris Berman somehow overriding NBC's broadcast to shout "Hold me closer Tyney dancer!": Most likely
-MVP: Eli Manning (no need to over think it, in 4 of the last 5 Super Bowls the winning QB has been named MVP)
Well that does it. Thanks for hanging in there all season guy(s). I think I speak for the whole HCM writing staff when I say, see you in September!
***
After spending the last 45 minutes meditating (crying) (why did I type that!?) I'm now ready to break down this game. The Giants biggest strength, their pass rush, has the ability to neutralize the Pats biggest strength, their passing game. Meanwhile, the Pats biggest weakness, their pass D, can easily be exploited by the Giants. This will most likely be the difference in the game. Another difference in this game is that it's for the NFL title, making it very different from other games. As for the actual difference in scores at the end of the game, because it's a Super Bowl involving the Belichick Patriots the margin will obviously be three.
Giants 27-24
Now let's take a look at some prop bets:
-First team to score: Patriots
-First score of the game: Field Goal
-Player to score first TD: Jake Ballard
-Will Madonna's muscular old arms gross me out at halftime: Yes
-Over/Under 3.5 shots of Peyton Manning: Over
-Will I realize during the game that I don't like either of these teams and that any conclusion will ultimately be unsatisfying: Yes
-Will Lawrence Tynes make a big kick and hug his placeholder, resulting in Chris Berman somehow overriding NBC's broadcast to shout "Hold me closer Tyney dancer!": Most likely
-MVP: Eli Manning (no need to over think it, in 4 of the last 5 Super Bowls the winning QB has been named MVP)
Well that does it. Thanks for hanging in there all season guy(s). I think I speak for the whole HCM writing staff when I say, see you in September!
1.21.2012
The Four Ex-Horsemen
Us WSU Cougar Football Fans will always remember the 2008 football season. Why? Well that's a stupid question! Because we beat UW 16-13 in double OT to take bring the Apple Cup back to Pullman. Then they headed down to Cal with their tail between their legs, leading to a 48-7 rout, and making that Husky team the only team in the history of the Pac-10 to go 0-12.
The very next year your beloved Cougars nearly joined that exclusive club. Who knew that when Bo Levi Mitchel dropped back to pass and got picked off by Chima Nwachukwu on the 1st play of overtime, followed by a game-winning 39 yard FG by Nico Grasu (whom I friended on facebook after said apple cup), we would get to mumble the phrase "game-winning" anything against a BCS level opponent for over a year and a half. We finished 2009 1-11. But the point of this story is that the SMU Mustangs were our bitch that season.
We can just forget about the next few seasons of Cougar football. We got ourselves a new ball coach and he is making some changes. I would like to introduce you to a few people:
Gabriel Marks - 6' 0" 175. Runs a 4.5 Ranked #13 WR in the nation, coming out of Venice High in Los Angeles, CA
Robert Lewis - 5' 10' 160lb RB. Runs a 4.5 Ranked #10 RB in the nation, coming out of South East High in South Gate, CA
Khalil Pettway - 6' 4" 205. Ranked #36 LB in the nation, coming out of Culver City High in Culver City, CA
Kache Palacio - 6' 2" 225. Ranked #88 LB in the nation, coming out of Junipero Serra High in Gardena, CA
What do these 4 boys have in common. They were all planning on playing for the Mustangs next year. Mike Leach came to the Palouse and all 4 of them told SMU to suck it. I could also possibly be related to Craig James being a huge douche and running for senate. Which looks like a great idea at this point.
Rumors are starting to swirl about a preeminent Mill Creek doctor behind the formation of this new stable. HCM is still investigating this possible connection. We will have any updates as we come acoss them.
We would also like to remind you that all these guys have given at this point is some good solid oral commitment. Which we all (or at least most of us) know isn't nearly as good as the real thing. Letter of Intent day is Feb, 1.
The very next year your beloved Cougars nearly joined that exclusive club. Who knew that when Bo Levi Mitchel dropped back to pass and got picked off by Chima Nwachukwu on the 1st play of overtime, followed by a game-winning 39 yard FG by Nico Grasu (whom I friended on facebook after said apple cup), we would get to mumble the phrase "game-winning" anything against a BCS level opponent for over a year and a half. We finished 2009 1-11. But the point of this story is that the SMU Mustangs were our bitch that season.
We can just forget about the next few seasons of Cougar football. We got ourselves a new ball coach and he is making some changes. I would like to introduce you to a few people:
Gabriel Marks - 6' 0" 175. Runs a 4.5 Ranked #13 WR in the nation, coming out of Venice High in Los Angeles, CA
Robert Lewis - 5' 10' 160lb RB. Runs a 4.5 Ranked #10 RB in the nation, coming out of South East High in South Gate, CA
Khalil Pettway - 6' 4" 205. Ranked #36 LB in the nation, coming out of Culver City High in Culver City, CA
Kache Palacio - 6' 2" 225. Ranked #88 LB in the nation, coming out of Junipero Serra High in Gardena, CA
What do these 4 boys have in common. They were all planning on playing for the Mustangs next year. Mike Leach came to the Palouse and all 4 of them told SMU to suck it. I could also possibly be related to Craig James being a huge douche and running for senate. Which looks like a great idea at this point.
Rumors are starting to swirl about a preeminent Mill Creek doctor behind the formation of this new stable. HCM is still investigating this possible connection. We will have any updates as we come acoss them.
We would also like to remind you that all these guys have given at this point is some good solid oral commitment. Which we all (or at least most of us) know isn't nearly as good as the real thing. Letter of Intent day is Feb, 1.
1.19.2012
NFL Picks Conference Championships
Baltimore @ New England
When these two teams met in the playoffs after the '09 season Joe Flacco went for 4-10 with 34 yards and an interception. Those numbers are downright Tebowian (RIP). But guess what? The Ravens blew out the Pats in that game 33-14. That game, more than any other proves that the less FlacMan has to do the better. With that in mind Flacco should try to do as little as possible on Sunday. This means no passing whatsoever, and when he does have to hand it off he shouldn't even take steps, instead he just fall over slowly and extend his hand. Unfortunately, that's probably not realistic, and if there's one thing I can say about my picks, it's that they're grounded in reality. When determining a prediction for this game I keep coming back to one simple fact: for the last 8 seasons the AFC representative in the Super Bowl has either been the Patriots, Steelers, or Colts, I say after this game it will be 9 seasons.
Patriots 27-17
New York Giants @ San Francisco
Earlier in the season I proclaimed that Aaron Rodgers' jumping fist pump was the worst TD celebration in the league. Not to be outdone by his '04 draft counterpart whose been outdoing him his whole career, Alex Smith unveiled something so lame at the end of his touchdown run in last week's win over the Saints that I became physically ill and vomited. Sure, I'd just eaten a whole large pizza and I was simply doing my normal purge, but I vomited nonetheless. Unfortunately for Smith, the Giants ousted Rodgers and the Packers last week and now seem determined to eliminate all nerds from the playoffs. I've even heard rumors that this guy has been signed from the practice squad. With that in mind, I have no choice but to pick the Giants to go on to a Super Bowl XLII rematch. But don't fret Baltimore and San Fran fans, because guess what: 2012 Pro Bowl = Harbaugh Bowl II.
Giants 24-20
When these two teams met in the playoffs after the '09 season Joe Flacco went for 4-10 with 34 yards and an interception. Those numbers are downright Tebowian (RIP). But guess what? The Ravens blew out the Pats in that game 33-14. That game, more than any other proves that the less FlacMan has to do the better. With that in mind Flacco should try to do as little as possible on Sunday. This means no passing whatsoever, and when he does have to hand it off he shouldn't even take steps, instead he just fall over slowly and extend his hand. Unfortunately, that's probably not realistic, and if there's one thing I can say about my picks, it's that they're grounded in reality. When determining a prediction for this game I keep coming back to one simple fact: for the last 8 seasons the AFC representative in the Super Bowl has either been the Patriots, Steelers, or Colts, I say after this game it will be 9 seasons.
Patriots 27-17
New York Giants @ San Francisco
Earlier in the season I proclaimed that Aaron Rodgers' jumping fist pump was the worst TD celebration in the league. Not to be outdone by his '04 draft counterpart whose been outdoing him his whole career, Alex Smith unveiled something so lame at the end of his touchdown run in last week's win over the Saints that I became physically ill and vomited. Sure, I'd just eaten a whole large pizza and I was simply doing my normal purge, but I vomited nonetheless. Unfortunately for Smith, the Giants ousted Rodgers and the Packers last week and now seem determined to eliminate all nerds from the playoffs. I've even heard rumors that this guy has been signed from the practice squad. With that in mind, I have no choice but to pick the Giants to go on to a Super Bowl XLII rematch. But don't fret Baltimore and San Fran fans, because guess what: 2012 Pro Bowl = Harbaugh Bowl II.
Giants 24-20
1.12.2012
NFL Picks Divisional Round
Saturday
New Orleans @ San Francisco
This game features the 2nd best scoring offense in the league against the 2nd best scoring defense, I'll let you guess which one is which. Go ahead, guess ... I'll wait ... Hey I can do this all day pal. Alright, now that we're on the same page let's figure out which team will do what it does best better. They say defense wins championships, but they also say that offense wins divisional round games, granted they don't say it as much, but I've heard it. What this game really boils down to is the fact that Jim Harbaugh wears a pen around his neck, and the only other person I've seen do that is Joan Holloway. Sorry Jim, that's one too many things in common with a busty secretary for my taste.
Saints 24-17
Denver @ New England
In my Week 17 picks I theorized that Tim Tebow's late season slide may have just been him testing our faith before facing the slings and arrows of the playoffs, and then when he got to the playoffs I went ahead and picked against him anyway. I'm sorry Tim, I should never have stopped believing. That being said, it seems like this is surely the end of the Broncos' magical run. Yes, the Patriots have lost their last two home playoff games, and haven't won a playoff game at all since the '07 AFC Championship game, but it's just too far-fetched to believe that Teebs can get the job done again. For Denver to win it would surely take a miracle, and that's impossible ... right?
Patriots 34-23
Sunday
Houston @ Baltimore
Good news for all the West coast party animals out there, if you go hard on Saturday night and sleep till noon on Sunday all you'll have missed is most of the Texans/Ravens game. Bad news, the game will still be on, so you might want to go ahead and sleep till one. The main storyline for this game is the battle of top defenses, but you know what they say, defenses don't win divisional round games. So then it will have to come down to the offenses. Ray Rice and Arian Foster pretty much cancel each other out, and Andre Johnson gives the Texans an advantage at receiver, but I've got a feeling that in his first home playoff game (after 7 on the road) the FlacMan will rise to the occasion.
Ravens 17-10
New York @ Green Bay
The parallels between this Giants team and the Super Bowl winners of '07 are becoming hard to ignore. Both started off 6-2 but struggled in the second half of the season and barely reached the playoffs. Both easily dispatched an NFC South opponent in the wildcard round (24-14 over TB in '07; 24-2 over ATL in '11). Both have a pass rush that has blossomed late in the season and can dominate a game. And finally, both lost a late regular season game 38-35 to the best team in the league only to get a second chance against them a month or so later. Obviously in '07 they capitalized on their rematch and won the Super Bowl 17-14 over the Patriots. So, if this season truly is a doppelganger of their past campaign the Giants will win this game right? Right!
Giants 27-24
New Orleans @ San Francisco
This game features the 2nd best scoring offense in the league against the 2nd best scoring defense, I'll let you guess which one is which. Go ahead, guess ... I'll wait ... Hey I can do this all day pal. Alright, now that we're on the same page let's figure out which team will do what it does best better. They say defense wins championships, but they also say that offense wins divisional round games, granted they don't say it as much, but I've heard it. What this game really boils down to is the fact that Jim Harbaugh wears a pen around his neck, and the only other person I've seen do that is Joan Holloway. Sorry Jim, that's one too many things in common with a busty secretary for my taste.
Saints 24-17
Denver @ New England
In my Week 17 picks I theorized that Tim Tebow's late season slide may have just been him testing our faith before facing the slings and arrows of the playoffs, and then when he got to the playoffs I went ahead and picked against him anyway. I'm sorry Tim, I should never have stopped believing. That being said, it seems like this is surely the end of the Broncos' magical run. Yes, the Patriots have lost their last two home playoff games, and haven't won a playoff game at all since the '07 AFC Championship game, but it's just too far-fetched to believe that Teebs can get the job done again. For Denver to win it would surely take a miracle, and that's impossible ... right?
Patriots 34-23
Sunday
Houston @ Baltimore
Good news for all the West coast party animals out there, if you go hard on Saturday night and sleep till noon on Sunday all you'll have missed is most of the Texans/Ravens game. Bad news, the game will still be on, so you might want to go ahead and sleep till one. The main storyline for this game is the battle of top defenses, but you know what they say, defenses don't win divisional round games. So then it will have to come down to the offenses. Ray Rice and Arian Foster pretty much cancel each other out, and Andre Johnson gives the Texans an advantage at receiver, but I've got a feeling that in his first home playoff game (after 7 on the road) the FlacMan will rise to the occasion.
Ravens 17-10
New York @ Green Bay
The parallels between this Giants team and the Super Bowl winners of '07 are becoming hard to ignore. Both started off 6-2 but struggled in the second half of the season and barely reached the playoffs. Both easily dispatched an NFC South opponent in the wildcard round (24-14 over TB in '07; 24-2 over ATL in '11). Both have a pass rush that has blossomed late in the season and can dominate a game. And finally, both lost a late regular season game 38-35 to the best team in the league only to get a second chance against them a month or so later. Obviously in '07 they capitalized on their rematch and won the Super Bowl 17-14 over the Patriots. So, if this season truly is a doppelganger of their past campaign the Giants will win this game right? Right!
Giants 27-24
1.05.2012
NFL Picks Wildcard Round
Saturday
Cincinnati @ Houston
What a battle of QBs: Dalton/Yates. Hold it, doesn't that sound like the name of some wealthy elite from the 1920s? Dalton Yates. I'm pretty sure that was a character in the Great Gatsby. Have I ever read that book? No, but I feel safe in my assumption. I also feel safe in assuming that in this battle of rookie signal callers Andy Dalton will go on the road and get the win.
Bengals 16-13
Detroit @ New Orleans
This is the first game in NFL history to feature a match-up between quarterbacks who have each thrown for over 5,000 yards in that season. Yes, it's Brees/Stafford. Hold it, doesn't Brees Stafford sound like a the name of a stripper? I'm pretty sure that was a character in Showgirls. Have I ever seen that movie? Yes! The image of Jessie Spano's horse-ass is seared into my brain for time eternal. In fact, much like Spano became the hottest dancer in Vegas, the Saints come into the playoffs as the hottest team in the league. It would be shocking if New Orleans lost in the first round, though I think we've all heard that sentence before (I won't bother linking to it ... awww what the hell!)
Saints 38-24
Sunday
Atlanta @ New York Giants
A home playoff game would seem like a real advantage to most, but Eli Manning isn't most. Case in point, Eli is 0-2 in his career in home playoff games. My theory is that Eli gets very nervous playing in big games at home, a problem that was spawned by his fear of disappointing his father in backyard games with brothers Cooper and Peyton. Of course, his nervousness was only legitimized when he threw an errant pass that sent a sprawling Cooper into a bramble patch, effectively ending his football career. However, I believe Eli finally sheds this stigma and gets a W because I don't trust the Falcons, and there aren't any bramble patches at MetLife Stadium.
Giants 27-20
Pittsburgh @ Denver
Well it's come to this, the end of Tebow. His season had to die so that we could enjoy watching football again. So, in a way, he's sacrificing himself. I mean, obviously if he wanted to win he could, but he knows that it would be so boring and methodical that no one would enjoy it. What a selfless act, God bless you Tim Tebow (too late).
Steelers 17-6
Cincinnati @ Houston
What a battle of QBs: Dalton/Yates. Hold it, doesn't that sound like the name of some wealthy elite from the 1920s? Dalton Yates. I'm pretty sure that was a character in the Great Gatsby. Have I ever read that book? No, but I feel safe in my assumption. I also feel safe in assuming that in this battle of rookie signal callers Andy Dalton will go on the road and get the win.
Bengals 16-13
Detroit @ New Orleans
This is the first game in NFL history to feature a match-up between quarterbacks who have each thrown for over 5,000 yards in that season. Yes, it's Brees/Stafford. Hold it, doesn't Brees Stafford sound like a the name of a stripper? I'm pretty sure that was a character in Showgirls. Have I ever seen that movie? Yes! The image of Jessie Spano's horse-ass is seared into my brain for time eternal. In fact, much like Spano became the hottest dancer in Vegas, the Saints come into the playoffs as the hottest team in the league. It would be shocking if New Orleans lost in the first round, though I think we've all heard that sentence before (I won't bother linking to it ... awww what the hell!)
Saints 38-24
Sunday
Atlanta @ New York Giants
A home playoff game would seem like a real advantage to most, but Eli Manning isn't most. Case in point, Eli is 0-2 in his career in home playoff games. My theory is that Eli gets very nervous playing in big games at home, a problem that was spawned by his fear of disappointing his father in backyard games with brothers Cooper and Peyton. Of course, his nervousness was only legitimized when he threw an errant pass that sent a sprawling Cooper into a bramble patch, effectively ending his football career. However, I believe Eli finally sheds this stigma and gets a W because I don't trust the Falcons, and there aren't any bramble patches at MetLife Stadium.
Giants 27-20
Pittsburgh @ Denver
Well it's come to this, the end of Tebow. His season had to die so that we could enjoy watching football again. So, in a way, he's sacrificing himself. I mean, obviously if he wanted to win he could, but he knows that it would be so boring and methodical that no one would enjoy it. What a selfless act, God bless you Tim Tebow (too late).
Steelers 17-6
Why Isn't there a College Bowl Game tonight?
For those of you worried that you might be forced to play with your kids or talk to your wife tonight, I have some exciting news. There is some worthwhile football on tonight. Kicking off at 4:30 down at Tropicana Field is the 2012 Under Armour All-America Game. Not as much news surrounding how upset many players were about not getting to wear a particular number (Unlike that joke of a U.S Army All-American Bowl).
There is one player that everyone should focus on tonight. He is an undecided 3-star WR out of Dr. Phillips High School in Orlando, Fl. A 6' 2" 184 pound burner. He will be wearing the highly coveted #3 for Team White tonight. He has narrowed his decision to Michigan State, Iowa State, and Washington State. Go State Schools! You can expect him to be unsuccessfully covered up by #3 on Team Black, Deion Sanders Jr.
You are probably asking, why the hell should I care about some shitty 3 star WR who can't be that great if he is considering WSU. First off, screw you. I don't know if you heard but we just got a new football coach who is kind of a big deal. Many people refer to him as "Leachscobar". Here is why you should care:
**I went ahead and put a circle around the kid I was talking about so you didn't think we had a Brandon Wheedon situation in the Palouse next year.
I really hope it is a high scoring game so the kids can practice getting flagged for taunting/excessive celebration.
There is one player that everyone should focus on tonight. He is an undecided 3-star WR out of Dr. Phillips High School in Orlando, Fl. A 6' 2" 184 pound burner. He will be wearing the highly coveted #3 for Team White tonight. He has narrowed his decision to Michigan State, Iowa State, and Washington State. Go State Schools! You can expect him to be unsuccessfully covered up by #3 on Team Black, Deion Sanders Jr.
You are probably asking, why the hell should I care about some shitty 3 star WR who can't be that great if he is considering WSU. First off, screw you. I don't know if you heard but we just got a new football coach who is kind of a big deal. Many people refer to him as "Leachscobar". Here is why you should care:
**I went ahead and put a circle around the kid I was talking about so you didn't think we had a Brandon Wheedon situation in the Palouse next year.
I really hope it is a high scoring game so the kids can practice getting flagged for taunting/excessive celebration.
12.29.2011
NFL Picks Week 17
My picks have been very uneven the last couple of weeks. I'd blame myself, but that would just be ridiculous.
Sunday Morning
Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers have been hot down the stretch, meaning that they will most likely be a trendy pick to get to the playoffs next season. Well, I'll do you one better, I think they'll make the playoffs THIS year! What's that? Impossible? That's weird, I was under the assumption that a 7-9 record automatically gets a team in the playoffs. Fine, I'll just go with the safe pick then.
Saints 31-24
Buffalo @ New England
The Patriots need a win to clinch the #1 seed in the AFC, while a win for the Bills would put them in play for the #10 seed. In case you're wondering, no, the NFL has not expanded the playoffs to 10 teams per conference, but hey 10 is better than 11; unless, of course, you're talking about draft positioning, in which case it is much worse. Due to the motivation factor I'll take New England
Patriots 30-10
Chicago @ Minnesota
The Bears are kicking themselves that they waited so long to make the switch at quarterback from Caleb Hanie to Josh McCown. They should also be kicking themselves that they've waited so long to reveal that they can kick themselves. A bear kicking itself is a huge draw at circuses around the globe.
Bears 20-17
New York Jets @ Miami
The Jets' consecutive losses have left them with little to no chance of making the playoffs. But don't tell this group of dreamers that they can't lose in the AFC Championship for a third straight year! Unfortunately for them, they're going up against the Miami Dolphins, a team that loves nothing more than crushing people's dreams.
Dolphins 23-20
San Francisco @ St. Louis
The 49ers have a chance at a first round bye with a win in this game. Luckily for them, they have a bye this week as well. I know that that is the second time I've made the joke that playing the Rams is like a bye week, but c'mon, they just lost 27-0 to a team that started Charlie Batch at quarterback; I'd give these guys credit if they did anything to deserve it. Coincidentally that was the same motto when I went to film school.
49ers 20-3
Detroit @ Green Bay
The Packers have a chance to be only the fourth team in the last 25 years to finish 15-1 or better. Obviously that would be something a team would strive for, however, none of the last three teams to do it have won the Super Bowl ('98 Vikings, '04 Steelers, '07 Patriots). So, should the Packers really want to win this game? From the looks of it the answer is no, because they will most likely rest their key starters.
Lions 27-20
Washington @ Philadelphia
So the Eagles late charge to win the NFC East and salvage a respectable season has fallen short. DeSean Jackson must be pissed that he was convinced to try for the last three weeks. But was it all for naught? Yes, as I just explained they cannot make the playoffs and they greatly underachieved. You need to start paying attention asshole.
Eagles 27-17
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
A win for the Colts would be their third straight to close out the season and seriously jeopardize their chances for the first pick in the draft. This approach to end of the season by Indianapolis is both admirable and foolish. They're like the Ulysses of the NFL (there it is, my weekly Greek mythology reference; a fun task for dedicated readers would be to go back and find the other 16 throughout the season, but beware, they are not nearly as overt).
Colts 17-14
Tennessee @ Houston
Lat week the Titans game finished with a score of 23-17 yet again. That makes 4 out of their last 6 that have finished with that score. The other two during that stretch ended up 22-17 and 27-13. The only explanation here is that someone is just writing Tennessee's season and they've gotten very lazy in terms of the scores. I mean, even 27-13 has all the same numbers. If the chips fall correctly we could see this same match-up next week in the first round of the playoffs, and if the Titans are involved I think we know what the score will be thanks to their season's unimaginative author.
Titans 23-17
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Arizona
Last week seemed to be an accurate summation of the Hawks' season. Flashes of hope, solid defense for most of it, a stretch where the team seemed dead in the water only to come back to life, and Skittles. All things considered I've had a fun time watching the Hawks this year and I'm proud of the way they played in the second half of the season. They easily could have rolled over and died after starting 2-6 but they did the opposite, which I guess would look something like this. So in the end, does it really matter if they get the win this week in Arizona? Fuck yes. Let's get to .500!!!
Seahawks 24-18
Kansas City @ Denver
What has happened to Tebow? Is it possible that he doesn't have the magic anymore? I don't think so. It's more likely that he's just testing our faith before the greatest trial of all, the playoffs. Well I still believe Tim. But seriously, you might want to win this game otherwise the playoffs aren't necessarily a lock ... Oop, there I go again, not trusting Him. Teebs, you do what you have to do.
Broncos 16-13
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
The Bucs are on the verge of finishing the season on a 10 game losing streak after starting out 4-2. I'm not sure if that's ever been done before, and frankly I don't have the time to go looking something like that up, but it sure seems like an anomaly eh? So when it comes to picking this game, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And if it is broke (which it is in this case) then don't even try to fix it, it will just be embarrassing for everyone involved.
Falcons 26-14
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
This game will be Cincinnati's 2nd sellout of the season. Perhaps the Bengals should take a dive just to teach their fans a lesson. Of course, that may backfire on them considering that the fans weren't interested in the regular season games, meaning that postseason action would probably be something of a chore for the people of Cincinnati.
Ravens 19-16
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Browns win. Not wacky enough for you? Look, I'm tired, so damn tired. I can't always just drum up something so wacky at the drop of a hat like I'm Willy fucking Wonka or something.
Browns 14-13
San Diego @ Oakland
Now that the Chargers are officially out of the playoffs look for them to be about as enthusiastic as this guy. Meanwhile, the Raiders will still be trying for the win and a playoff berth, but if my earlier pick is any indication (and it usually is) their effort will be pointless.
Raiders 31-20
Sunday Night
Dallas @ New York Giants
The Cowboys have been the worst Sunday Night team all year. And by that I don't mean that they are the worst team to play in a Sunday Night game (Colts, twice), I mean they have the worst record in Sunday Night games, at 0-3. That's the worst season on NBC since The Cape. If this Sunday Night match-up feels like deja vu it's because we saw these two play on a Sunday Night just three weeks ago. And if me saying Sunday Night feels like deja vu it's because I've now typed it six times in this paragraph. Will the result be the same as the last meeting? Hard to tell. You know what they say about trying to predict Sunday Night games: Sunday Night is Sunday Night.
Cowboys 30-27
Sunday Morning
Carolina @ New Orleans
The Panthers have been hot down the stretch, meaning that they will most likely be a trendy pick to get to the playoffs next season. Well, I'll do you one better, I think they'll make the playoffs THIS year! What's that? Impossible? That's weird, I was under the assumption that a 7-9 record automatically gets a team in the playoffs. Fine, I'll just go with the safe pick then.
Saints 31-24
Buffalo @ New England
The Patriots need a win to clinch the #1 seed in the AFC, while a win for the Bills would put them in play for the #10 seed. In case you're wondering, no, the NFL has not expanded the playoffs to 10 teams per conference, but hey 10 is better than 11; unless, of course, you're talking about draft positioning, in which case it is much worse. Due to the motivation factor I'll take New England
Patriots 30-10
Chicago @ Minnesota
The Bears are kicking themselves that they waited so long to make the switch at quarterback from Caleb Hanie to Josh McCown. They should also be kicking themselves that they've waited so long to reveal that they can kick themselves. A bear kicking itself is a huge draw at circuses around the globe.
Bears 20-17
New York Jets @ Miami
The Jets' consecutive losses have left them with little to no chance of making the playoffs. But don't tell this group of dreamers that they can't lose in the AFC Championship for a third straight year! Unfortunately for them, they're going up against the Miami Dolphins, a team that loves nothing more than crushing people's dreams.
Dolphins 23-20
San Francisco @ St. Louis
The 49ers have a chance at a first round bye with a win in this game. Luckily for them, they have a bye this week as well. I know that that is the second time I've made the joke that playing the Rams is like a bye week, but c'mon, they just lost 27-0 to a team that started Charlie Batch at quarterback; I'd give these guys credit if they did anything to deserve it. Coincidentally that was the same motto when I went to film school.
49ers 20-3
Detroit @ Green Bay
The Packers have a chance to be only the fourth team in the last 25 years to finish 15-1 or better. Obviously that would be something a team would strive for, however, none of the last three teams to do it have won the Super Bowl ('98 Vikings, '04 Steelers, '07 Patriots). So, should the Packers really want to win this game? From the looks of it the answer is no, because they will most likely rest their key starters.
Lions 27-20
Washington @ Philadelphia
So the Eagles late charge to win the NFC East and salvage a respectable season has fallen short. DeSean Jackson must be pissed that he was convinced to try for the last three weeks. But was it all for naught? Yes, as I just explained they cannot make the playoffs and they greatly underachieved. You need to start paying attention asshole.
Eagles 27-17
Indianapolis @ Jacksonville
A win for the Colts would be their third straight to close out the season and seriously jeopardize their chances for the first pick in the draft. This approach to end of the season by Indianapolis is both admirable and foolish. They're like the Ulysses of the NFL (there it is, my weekly Greek mythology reference; a fun task for dedicated readers would be to go back and find the other 16 throughout the season, but beware, they are not nearly as overt).
Colts 17-14
Tennessee @ Houston
Lat week the Titans game finished with a score of 23-17 yet again. That makes 4 out of their last 6 that have finished with that score. The other two during that stretch ended up 22-17 and 27-13. The only explanation here is that someone is just writing Tennessee's season and they've gotten very lazy in terms of the scores. I mean, even 27-13 has all the same numbers. If the chips fall correctly we could see this same match-up next week in the first round of the playoffs, and if the Titans are involved I think we know what the score will be thanks to their season's unimaginative author.
Titans 23-17
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Arizona
Last week seemed to be an accurate summation of the Hawks' season. Flashes of hope, solid defense for most of it, a stretch where the team seemed dead in the water only to come back to life, and Skittles. All things considered I've had a fun time watching the Hawks this year and I'm proud of the way they played in the second half of the season. They easily could have rolled over and died after starting 2-6 but they did the opposite, which I guess would look something like this. So in the end, does it really matter if they get the win this week in Arizona? Fuck yes. Let's get to .500!!!
Seahawks 24-18
Kansas City @ Denver
What has happened to Tebow? Is it possible that he doesn't have the magic anymore? I don't think so. It's more likely that he's just testing our faith before the greatest trial of all, the playoffs. Well I still believe Tim. But seriously, you might want to win this game otherwise the playoffs aren't necessarily a lock ... Oop, there I go again, not trusting Him. Teebs, you do what you have to do.
Broncos 16-13
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
The Bucs are on the verge of finishing the season on a 10 game losing streak after starting out 4-2. I'm not sure if that's ever been done before, and frankly I don't have the time to go looking something like that up, but it sure seems like an anomaly eh? So when it comes to picking this game, if it ain't broke don't fix it. And if it is broke (which it is in this case) then don't even try to fix it, it will just be embarrassing for everyone involved.
Falcons 26-14
Baltimore @ Cincinnati
This game will be Cincinnati's 2nd sellout of the season. Perhaps the Bengals should take a dive just to teach their fans a lesson. Of course, that may backfire on them considering that the fans weren't interested in the regular season games, meaning that postseason action would probably be something of a chore for the people of Cincinnati.
Ravens 19-16
Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Browns win. Not wacky enough for you? Look, I'm tired, so damn tired. I can't always just drum up something so wacky at the drop of a hat like I'm Willy fucking Wonka or something.
Browns 14-13
San Diego @ Oakland
Now that the Chargers are officially out of the playoffs look for them to be about as enthusiastic as this guy. Meanwhile, the Raiders will still be trying for the win and a playoff berth, but if my earlier pick is any indication (and it usually is) their effort will be pointless.
Raiders 31-20
Sunday Night
Dallas @ New York Giants
The Cowboys have been the worst Sunday Night team all year. And by that I don't mean that they are the worst team to play in a Sunday Night game (Colts, twice), I mean they have the worst record in Sunday Night games, at 0-3. That's the worst season on NBC since The Cape. If this Sunday Night match-up feels like deja vu it's because we saw these two play on a Sunday Night just three weeks ago. And if me saying Sunday Night feels like deja vu it's because I've now typed it six times in this paragraph. Will the result be the same as the last meeting? Hard to tell. You know what they say about trying to predict Sunday Night games: Sunday Night is Sunday Night.
Cowboys 30-27
12.22.2011
NFL Picks Week 16
Christmas is here, but like the rest of you, I've already had my holiday and subsequent Summer movie season ruined by the sight of Hines Ward in the new Batman trailer. Before I start breaking my computer let's get to the picks.
Saturday Morning
Oakland @ Kansas City
I've been following the Raiders pretty closely this year, mostly due to the fact that they're featured prominently at the Shack (the bar where I watch games on Sunday, to clarify for everyone outside of LA). But I haven't really minded having them shoved down my throat, in fact, I even rooted for them in most games. Well, not anymore. Go to hell Raiders. These jerks managed to blow a 13 point fourth quarter, losing by 1 point after they neglected to try for a two-point conversion when they made the score 26-14 with 7:47 in the game. Nice work ya dildos. Of course, my vitriol comes as a result of the team that Oakland blew the lead to, the Detroit Lions, a team full of a-holes from who the Seahawks sorely needed a loss. Anyway, I've gotten over it.
Chiefs 20-3
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
The Titans lost to the Colts last week, giving Indy their first win. The good news for Tennessee? They get to play the Jaguars this week, who may be an even worse team.
Titans 20-10
Miami @ New England
As we all know, the Dolphins have been on a tear lately, not quite a Hawks-ian tear, but 5 out of 7 isn't bad, especially when they started out 0-7. Miami's new-found winning ways will be put to the test this Saturday when they visit the Patriots, and this will not be an open-notes test either. That's right, the Dolphins' players and coaching staff will not be allowed to look at their playbooks whatsoever during the game. This may seem unfair, and it is.
Patriots 30-17
Arizona @ Cincinnati
For as much as the Bengals have stumbled in the second half of the season (2-4 so far), they still find themselves with a decent shot of getting the last Wild Card in the AFC. When you look at their schedule though, Cincy has only lost to quality teams, which is bad news for them this week, because the Cardinals are now just that. How is Arizona doing it? Mostly through solid defense, good special teams and a healthy amount of luck down the stretch. In other words, they're the Broncos but without the help from Jesus, which makes their stretch all the more impressive. Unfortunately, the Cards have to travel to Cincinnati this week, a city devoid of any sort of luck; that doesn't bode well for them.
Bengals 20-16
Denver @ Buffalo
Early indications are that this game will not be a sell-out. A Stinger? With Tim Tebow in town? On the eve of Jesus's birth? Something doesn't add up here. On second thought, the Bills' 7 straight losses make the lack of ticket sales a bit more understandable. And when you factor in the fact that the defense has now given up 26 points per game on the season it's not hard to see why Buffalo is losing ... unless you live in Buffalo, where you can't see the games at all.
Broncos 27-20
St. Louis @ Pittsburgh
With both teams' normal starting quarterbacks highly questionable for this game we could get to see the Kellen Clemens/Charlie Batch match-up that we've all been clamoring for ever since Clemens came to the NFL. So, in other words, if you're not watching this game you must already have plans on Christmas Eve, though I can't imagine that they would be more entertaining or important than this instant classic. In the end it will probably be decided by which team is the Rams. Because the Rams are the Rams, they will most likely lose.
Steelers 20-6
New York Giants @ New York Jets
Ayyy ohhhh! Pass the pastrami and ya mamma mia's googatz, it's the battle of New York! My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Giants score the game winning touchdown on a Statue of Liberty play (WIIIINNNNNNK).
Giants 24-21
Minnesota @ Washington
The Redskins managed to get their 2nd win in 10 games last week, ruining my two month long prediction that they would only win one of those ten. So congrats Washington, you proved me wrong by going 2-8. I actually watched a clip of one of the Skins giving a post game locker-room speech after their win over the Giants in which he opined that if "...they played like that every week they could be first in the NFC East ..." I have to agree with him, if Washington played well every week, they'd probably be doing better, but they haven't because they're not very good. That being said, they're better than the visiting Vikings ... probably.
Redskins 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
The Panthers are yet another late-bloomer team, having won three of their last four. One of those wins came at Tampa, a "team" who has lost their last eight, including a huge loss to Jacksonville that looks all the more pathetic after the Jags' major cream job loss in Atlanta last week. To snap their streak, the Bucs will need a Christmas Eve miracle, which as we all know is not as good as a Christmas miracle, but it's like at least you get to open one miracle ya know? It's better than no miracles at all, but man I can't wait till Christmas morning to see what that big miracle under the tree is. (NOTE: I may have briefly confused the words miracle and presents)
Panthers 35-20
Cleveland @ Baltimore
It's beginning to seem like Joe Flacco is actually afraid of playing a home playoff game. All the Ravens have to do is win their last two games to secure such a position, but if their effort against the Chargers from last week is any indication, they aren't necessarily motivated to do so. In a way it makes sense, playing road playoff games is all the FlacMan knows. Since coming into the league in '08 FlacMan is 4-3 in road playoff games, winning at least one every postseason. His record in home playoff games? 0-0. So what's happening here is akin to what happens when a man who was raised by wolves attempts to assimilate into human society. It will take time for FlacMan to learn that playing home playoff games is something natural and desirable to people, but until then all bets are off (NOTE: Never bet on wolfmen, unless of course you're talking basketball, a sport in which wolfmen and werewolves alike are dominant).
Ravens 23-10
Saturday Afternoon
San Diego @ Detroit
I've never rooted for Philip Rivers, a statement that I'm proud to make. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to say that after Saturday (yet another reason I'm pissed at the Raiders). It's a frightening proposition, but one that I embark on with great zeal and defiance. As for this game, get ready for some points ... You're just sitting there ... I said get ready asshole! Fine, forget it, but when this game turns into a shootout don't say I didn't warn you.
Chargers 38-35
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Most folks were shocked to hear that the Eagles still had a shot to win the NFC East even though their record is only 6-8, which is odd, because you would think that the ceaseless media coverage of that division would keep the nation fully abreast of every possible playoff permutation within it. Yet here we are. I honestly have no idea what to make of this game because these teams have been so maddeningly inconsistent throughout the season. One thing's for sure, we should see some serious fireworks ... or not; see previous sentence.
Cowboys 31-26
San Francisco @ Seattle
Marshawn Lynch has scored 11 rushing touchdowns in his last 11 games. The 49ers have yet to allow a rushing touchdown this season. Now we will see what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object. That statement hasn't been used so accurately since this (3 things I love about this video: 1. Jack Tunney mentions that both wrestler's lawyers are present; shouldn't Warrior's legal council have advised him to not wear the face paint to that meeting? 2. The point-of-view shots; if they really wanted us to believe that this signing actually took place how the hell did they get those camera angles? 3. Hogan just saying, "Sign" after Warrior's nonsensical diatribe; he sounds more than a little fed up). Here's hoping that the CLink is fully stocked with Skittles, because Beast Mode wants to taste the rainbow. I wrote the preceding sentence solely to confuse a time-traveler that just got here from the start of the season.
Seahawks 20-13
Sunday Night
Chicago @ Green Bay
I understand that the Bears feel they are giving themselves their best chance to win by starting Josh McCown, but have they thought about the ramifications of their decision? Now we have to hear Chris Berman make his hackneyed (and lame to begin with) "tears of McCown" joke. Thanks a pant-load Lovie Smith. It's possible that the Packers will already have home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs wrapped up by Christmas (take that Berman) but I'm guessing that they won't lay down against Chicago. And even if we do see Matt Flynn get the start, that will still be good enough.
Packers 27-10
Monday Night
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Coming into this game Drew Brees is only about 300 yards away from breaking Dan Marino's single season record for passing yards. Dan, your thoughts? Yikes. Having a little trouble with the teleprompter Dan? Ok, but seriously we better wrap this up before Marino kills us all.
Saints 30-20
Saturday Morning
Oakland @ Kansas City
I've been following the Raiders pretty closely this year, mostly due to the fact that they're featured prominently at the Shack (the bar where I watch games on Sunday, to clarify for everyone outside of LA). But I haven't really minded having them shoved down my throat, in fact, I even rooted for them in most games. Well, not anymore. Go to hell Raiders. These jerks managed to blow a 13 point fourth quarter, losing by 1 point after they neglected to try for a two-point conversion when they made the score 26-14 with 7:47 in the game. Nice work ya dildos. Of course, my vitriol comes as a result of the team that Oakland blew the lead to, the Detroit Lions, a team full of a-holes from who the Seahawks sorely needed a loss. Anyway, I've gotten over it.
Chiefs 20-3
Jacksonville @ Tennessee
The Titans lost to the Colts last week, giving Indy their first win. The good news for Tennessee? They get to play the Jaguars this week, who may be an even worse team.
Titans 20-10
Miami @ New England
As we all know, the Dolphins have been on a tear lately, not quite a Hawks-ian tear, but 5 out of 7 isn't bad, especially when they started out 0-7. Miami's new-found winning ways will be put to the test this Saturday when they visit the Patriots, and this will not be an open-notes test either. That's right, the Dolphins' players and coaching staff will not be allowed to look at their playbooks whatsoever during the game. This may seem unfair, and it is.
Patriots 30-17
Arizona @ Cincinnati
For as much as the Bengals have stumbled in the second half of the season (2-4 so far), they still find themselves with a decent shot of getting the last Wild Card in the AFC. When you look at their schedule though, Cincy has only lost to quality teams, which is bad news for them this week, because the Cardinals are now just that. How is Arizona doing it? Mostly through solid defense, good special teams and a healthy amount of luck down the stretch. In other words, they're the Broncos but without the help from Jesus, which makes their stretch all the more impressive. Unfortunately, the Cards have to travel to Cincinnati this week, a city devoid of any sort of luck; that doesn't bode well for them.
Bengals 20-16
Denver @ Buffalo
Early indications are that this game will not be a sell-out. A Stinger? With Tim Tebow in town? On the eve of Jesus's birth? Something doesn't add up here. On second thought, the Bills' 7 straight losses make the lack of ticket sales a bit more understandable. And when you factor in the fact that the defense has now given up 26 points per game on the season it's not hard to see why Buffalo is losing ... unless you live in Buffalo, where you can't see the games at all.
Broncos 27-20
St. Louis @ Pittsburgh
With both teams' normal starting quarterbacks highly questionable for this game we could get to see the Kellen Clemens/Charlie Batch match-up that we've all been clamoring for ever since Clemens came to the NFL. So, in other words, if you're not watching this game you must already have plans on Christmas Eve, though I can't imagine that they would be more entertaining or important than this instant classic. In the end it will probably be decided by which team is the Rams. Because the Rams are the Rams, they will most likely lose.
Steelers 20-6
New York Giants @ New York Jets
Ayyy ohhhh! Pass the pastrami and ya mamma mia's googatz, it's the battle of New York! My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Giants score the game winning touchdown on a Statue of Liberty play (WIIIINNNNNNK).
Giants 24-21
Minnesota @ Washington
The Redskins managed to get their 2nd win in 10 games last week, ruining my two month long prediction that they would only win one of those ten. So congrats Washington, you proved me wrong by going 2-8. I actually watched a clip of one of the Skins giving a post game locker-room speech after their win over the Giants in which he opined that if "...they played like that every week they could be first in the NFC East ..." I have to agree with him, if Washington played well every week, they'd probably be doing better, but they haven't because they're not very good. That being said, they're better than the visiting Vikings ... probably.
Redskins 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
The Panthers are yet another late-bloomer team, having won three of their last four. One of those wins came at Tampa, a "team" who has lost their last eight, including a huge loss to Jacksonville that looks all the more pathetic after the Jags' major cream job loss in Atlanta last week. To snap their streak, the Bucs will need a Christmas Eve miracle, which as we all know is not as good as a Christmas miracle, but it's like at least you get to open one miracle ya know? It's better than no miracles at all, but man I can't wait till Christmas morning to see what that big miracle under the tree is. (NOTE: I may have briefly confused the words miracle and presents)
Panthers 35-20
Cleveland @ Baltimore
It's beginning to seem like Joe Flacco is actually afraid of playing a home playoff game. All the Ravens have to do is win their last two games to secure such a position, but if their effort against the Chargers from last week is any indication, they aren't necessarily motivated to do so. In a way it makes sense, playing road playoff games is all the FlacMan knows. Since coming into the league in '08 FlacMan is 4-3 in road playoff games, winning at least one every postseason. His record in home playoff games? 0-0. So what's happening here is akin to what happens when a man who was raised by wolves attempts to assimilate into human society. It will take time for FlacMan to learn that playing home playoff games is something natural and desirable to people, but until then all bets are off (NOTE: Never bet on wolfmen, unless of course you're talking basketball, a sport in which wolfmen and werewolves alike are dominant).
Ravens 23-10
Saturday Afternoon
San Diego @ Detroit
I've never rooted for Philip Rivers, a statement that I'm proud to make. Unfortunately, I will no longer be able to say that after Saturday (yet another reason I'm pissed at the Raiders). It's a frightening proposition, but one that I embark on with great zeal and defiance. As for this game, get ready for some points ... You're just sitting there ... I said get ready asshole! Fine, forget it, but when this game turns into a shootout don't say I didn't warn you.
Chargers 38-35
Philadelphia @ Dallas
Most folks were shocked to hear that the Eagles still had a shot to win the NFC East even though their record is only 6-8, which is odd, because you would think that the ceaseless media coverage of that division would keep the nation fully abreast of every possible playoff permutation within it. Yet here we are. I honestly have no idea what to make of this game because these teams have been so maddeningly inconsistent throughout the season. One thing's for sure, we should see some serious fireworks ... or not; see previous sentence.
Cowboys 31-26
San Francisco @ Seattle
Marshawn Lynch has scored 11 rushing touchdowns in his last 11 games. The 49ers have yet to allow a rushing touchdown this season. Now we will see what happens when an irresistible force meets an immovable object. That statement hasn't been used so accurately since this (3 things I love about this video: 1. Jack Tunney mentions that both wrestler's lawyers are present; shouldn't Warrior's legal council have advised him to not wear the face paint to that meeting? 2. The point-of-view shots; if they really wanted us to believe that this signing actually took place how the hell did they get those camera angles? 3. Hogan just saying, "Sign" after Warrior's nonsensical diatribe; he sounds more than a little fed up). Here's hoping that the CLink is fully stocked with Skittles, because Beast Mode wants to taste the rainbow. I wrote the preceding sentence solely to confuse a time-traveler that just got here from the start of the season.
Seahawks 20-13
Sunday Night
Chicago @ Green Bay
I understand that the Bears feel they are giving themselves their best chance to win by starting Josh McCown, but have they thought about the ramifications of their decision? Now we have to hear Chris Berman make his hackneyed (and lame to begin with) "tears of McCown" joke. Thanks a pant-load Lovie Smith. It's possible that the Packers will already have home-field advantage throughout the NFC playoffs wrapped up by Christmas (take that Berman) but I'm guessing that they won't lay down against Chicago. And even if we do see Matt Flynn get the start, that will still be good enough.
Packers 27-10
Monday Night
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Coming into this game Drew Brees is only about 300 yards away from breaking Dan Marino's single season record for passing yards. Dan, your thoughts? Yikes. Having a little trouble with the teleprompter Dan? Ok, but seriously we better wrap this up before Marino kills us all.
Saints 30-20
Bark(ley)ing Up the Wrong Tree
The 2012 QB class took a bit of a hit today as Matt Barkley announced that he will return to USC for his Senior year. I wonder if he asked Matt Leinart for advice before making this decision.
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