BEACONTOWN – In a move that had been rumored for weeks, the Beacontown High School Beavers have been stripped of their Conference Championship. “It’s a shame that it had to be done,” said conference chairman Steve Nordick, “But it really wasn’t fair to the rest of the teams. The reason being, of course, that Beacontown had a wolfman playing point guard.” The werewolf player, Scott Howard, has been retroactively suspended, causing all of his team's wins to be voided. “Look, it would be one thing if wolfmen weren’t fantastic at basketball,” said Nordick, “But the fact is that they are. Wolfmen can steal the ball at will and do any number of reverse slam dunks. Scott Howard was tearing other teams apart on the court. No, literally. 38 opposing players suffered deep lacerations.”
Apparently the idea of suspending Howard was not a new one to Beacontown coach Bobby Finstock. “I had considered suspending him due to some off the court stuff. But he just played too damn well for me to do it. I mean he is a werewolf.” Finstock is most likely referring to one of two incidents involving the teenage wolf. The first involved Howard cruising the streets of Beacontown on top of Rupert “Stiles” Stilinski’s van doing multiple back-flips and prolonged handstands. Stilinski is Howard’s best friend, and a local drug dealer. The other issue was a scuffle between Howard and an opposing player at a school dance that took place shortly after the werewolf led a choreographed dance that his classmates had rehearsed for weeks. “I knew I shouldn’t have allowed him to act out like that,” laments Finstock, “It’s just that he was so much better as a wolf. I mean he was pitiful when he was a human. He would just run around the court clapping a lot and jumping all over his teammates. Not to mention all the lane violations he would get called for when he’d jump over the free throw line on his foul shots.”
Scott Howard could not be reached for comment. It is likely that at press time he is driving fast cars and hanging around attractive girls, activities that are very common for werewolves.