How excited must Urban Meyer be? He has a whole bye week following this game to spend in the UK after he inevitably doesn’t fly home with his team! There’s gotta be at least one Buckeyes bar over there, right? Methinks the British Ohio St. fans would be more than welcoming if you catch my cheeky drift. Uh oh, I just looked it up, there is a Buckeyes bar in the UK, but only one; it’s located in the hills of Scotland and the only patrons are sheep. Hey, go get ‘em Urban!
Jaguars 24-22
Green Bay at Chicago
If the Bears win this game they’re in first place. How did that happen? I had them written off after their rookie quarterback looked lousy in his first start. What do you mean that’s not fair?!? If someone doesn’t show up and dominate from day one how am I supposed to think they'll ever improve? I expect newborn children to come out speaking in full, intelligent sentences, like the smart gremlin in Gremlins 2. Or I guess the babies in the Look Who’s Talking films if you want a more analog comparison. But I think we can all agree that those kids weren’t actually talking within the world of the movies, we were just hearing their inner monologue. Although, can’t the babies hear each other? Well that doesn’t make sense ... So anyway, as I was saying, good on the Bears for righting their ship. I wouldn’t be shocked if they got the win this Sunday. I mean if you’ve seen babies and gremlins talk is there anything left that can surprise you?
Packers 23-20
Cincinnati at Detroit
The Lions lost 19-17 on a last-second field goal again last week. That’s twice so far this season. Man, 19-17, that’s rough. This season has been a real battle for Detroit, what with all the 19-17 losses. If I had to compare it to a war movie I guess I’d say ...Platoon. Just a futile effort from the start, filled with heartbreak. Don’t be surprised if Jared Goff drops to two knees and goes out Willem DeFoe style in the final game. Meanwhile, Bengals quarterback Joe Burrow has had some troubles of his own, having to visit the hospital last Sunday with a throat contusion. I wouldn’t be too worried if I were Burrow though, Johnny Moxon was able to play in the 2nd half after suffering a similar injury at the hands of his coach, literally. Burrow has a whole week to recover, he should be fine. (Side note: that’s enough movie references for one week. No more, I swear.)
Lions 20-19
Houston at Indianapolis
On Monday night the refs royally screwed the Colts out of a 98 yard defensive touchdown because of what they deemed to be an illegal “forward” pass. The call was based on the fact that the ball was pitched at the Indy 24 yard line and received at the 25, despite the fact that the ball was clearly tossed backwards. How can it go forward but be thrown backwards? It’s called Galilean Transformation damn it! And we’ve been over this before! Apparently by the letter of the law the refs made the correct call. But that doesn’t make it right. If a ball is clearly lateraled we must allow for physics to run its course. If we don’t we’re no better than the Philistines. Is that what you want? To be sub-Philistine?!? Yes I know that Philistines are more skeptics of art and culture, not science, I was using it ironically. What do you take me for a Philistine? Yes I know how irony works! Lay off me. You’re being a real pill-istine.
Colts 26-19
Los Angeles Rams at New York Giants
Daniel Jones may not be available for the Giants due to concussion protocol. On the surface that would seem like an advantage for the Rams, but I’m not so sure they want to face another backup quarterback after Geno Smith’s pseudo-dominant performance against them last Thursday. Sure LA still came out on top in the end, but I think America was united in their belief that Geno was the true hero of the night. Now, is NY backup Mike Glennon on the level of Geno Smith? No, few are. Yet he still may possess enough craftiness to flummox the Rams. Or he’ll get hit so hard that his famously long neck spins around like an owl. Then he’s so bewildered that he actually starts believing he’s an owl and eats a mouse he finds on the sidelines. Oof, for Glennon’s sake (and all of ours, really) I hope we see the first option on Sunday.
Rams 38-17
Kansas City at Washington
Patrick Mahomes hasn’t lost more than 4 games in a season since he’s been a starter. The 2021 Chiefs are already at 3. It’s looking very likely that this will be the worst season of Mahomes’s career. It also seems likely that the Chiefs will get their issues sorted out in the second half of the season and then win three straight road games on their way to the Super Bowl. That’s right, they’re doing this just to mess with us, and I won’t hear otherwise until they’re eliminated from contention once and for all. And even then I might not buy it. There could be two completely different teams playing in Super Bowl LVI and then Mahomes shows up out of nowhere with a minute left to win the game. It won’t count of course, and he’ll be escorted off the field for trespassing. But man, it’ll be pretty amazing to watch.
Chiefs 31-20
Minnesota at Carolina
The Vikings have now had 3 games decided by last second field goals. Two made, one missed. One win, two losses. If things had gone just a bit different the Vikings could be 4-1, or 1-4. They’ve really taught us a lot about the sliding doors nature of the NFL, and maybe life in general. Or maybe it’s more like one of those rotating doors, because this league never stops spinning baby! And it’s all about timing. One wrong step and you slam your face into the glass in front of everybody you work with. They laugh hysterically, and you join them because you want to seem like a good sport, but you can feel the blood start to ooze down from your forehead. Then everyone else sees it and stops laughing, and now it’s just you, your face a cackling crimson mask. First everybody just thought you were a klutz, but now it’s something much much worse. So yeah, be careful Vikings!
Vikings 30-28
Los Angeles Chargers at Baltimore
The Ravens mounted an amazing comeback in their 31-25 OT win on Monday. But to me the true story of the night was that they failed to rush for 100 yards. One week after causing a kerfuffle by desperately trying to extend the streak, they just couldn’t find it within them to make it one more game. Sure they got the win, but what’s a win worth if you didn’t even rush for 100 yards in the process? Most people wouldn’t care, but clearly the Ravens did. And I wouldn’t be shocked if they totally collapse now that their identity is shattered. Meanwhile, the Chargers keep tempting their past fate late in games and living to tell the tale. Their old identity is shattered, and that’s a good thing. Then again their newfound ability to close games could always unravel at a moment's notice. That’s the magic of the Chargers.
Chargers 27-26
Sunday Afternoon
Arizona at Cleveland
Could this be a potential Super Bowl preview? I mean probably not, but it might be more possible than ever before. The Cardinals are 5-0 and while the Browns fell to 3-2 last week I still expect them to get to the playoffs. But come on, we couldn’t actually have a Cardinals vs. Browns Super Bowl. That would be the Super Bowl match-up in some futuristic movie that’s trying to make a point of how fucked up society has become. (Whoops, I said no more movie references. Though this isn’t a specific movie I’m talking about, just hypothetical. At least I’m not aware of an actual movie in which the Cardinals and Browns compete in the Super Bowl. If it exists I’d like to see it. Hey maybe I’ll be the one to make it! It’ll be called Cardinal Brown. People will think it’s about some inter-planetary clergyman, but really it will just be a full-length simulated game on Madden.)
Browns 27-24
Las Vegas at Denver
Well this Raiders season has taken a bit of turn lately, huh? No need to rehash here what’s been rehashed ad nauseam in every other news outlet (yes that means I consider this a news outlet). Instead let’s focus on the future, and Vegas’s new interim coach, Rich Bisaccia. Promoting him was a smart move for a franchise looking to avoid further controversy. I say that with no knowledge of this man’s character, but by looking at him I’d guess that he’s never sent an e-mail in his life. So already the Raiders have to feel more secure. Also, I have it on good authority that Bisaccia loved the Michael Sam pick and thinks Roger Goodell is tough as hell
Broncos 23-16
Dallas at New England
I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the first game to be called by both the A team announcers from CBS and Fox. How could it not be? Are you telling me Romo or Aikman isn’t going to be there to see the Cowboys finally beat the Patriots for the first time since 1996? This is a marquee moment for America’s Team baby! This is a national event. We all must show it the reverence it deserves. In fact, let’s stop beating around the bush and call this what it is: the Super Bowl. That’s right, this is the Super Bowl now. All the other teams can play out the rest of their schedules if they want, but this is the only one that counts.
Cowboys 28-18
Sunday Night
Seattle at Pittsburgh
Safe to say that this is not exactly the match-up NBC thought they were getting when they scheduled this game months ago. But such is life. And no one knows more about life, and football than Cris Collinsworth. Let's get his take on this one:
But why did he still send me the video?
Seahawks 20-16
Monday Night
Buffalo at Tennessee
When most people see this match-up they think Music City Miracle. Not me, I see it and think about eating the rich and re-allocating the world’s wealth among the people. That has nothing to do with these teams, but that’s just how twisted I am guys. A lot of people tell me I remind them of Tyler Durden from Fight Club. (Damn it, another movie reference! Ok, now I guarantee that’s the last one, because I’m done writing ...
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