NFL Picks - Week 15


SEASON: 129-79-1



Las Vegas at Cleveland 

The Raiders held an impromptu pregame rally on the midfield logo at Arrowhead Stadium last Sunday. The Chiefs didn’t take too kindly to it and proceeded to beat Vegas by almost 40 points. So sure, things didn’t work out for the Raiders on that occasion, but I say they should do the same thing this Saturday. Double down! They are from Vegas after all. The only problem is that the Browns don’t have a midfield logo for the Raiders to congregate on. Cleveland just has stripes around the 50 yard line. So I guess the Raiders will have to line up single file. As such, they’ll have to play telephone to relay their pregame speech. Unfortunately this will lead to some confusion when the original message of “Let’s kick their asses!” becomes “Sure I act like a big, strong football man, but deep down I’m a scared child. That’s why I piss myself before every game. Oh and also, uh let’s kick their asses.”


Browns 20-17

New England at Indianapolis 

Last time we saw Mac Jones he threw the ball only 3 times in the Patriots’ win over the Bills. In the days since, Bill Belichick has been lauded for his ingenuity. If I were Belichick I’d subvert expectations by starting this game with a double-throwback trick play, meaning they’d throw the ball three times on one play. The savvy crowd in Indianapolis, dressed in their tuxedos and finest gowns, would respond with a standing ovation and demand an encore. Of course Belichick wild deny them the satisfaction, despite being a diva. 

Colts 23-20

Sunday Morning


Carolina at Buffalo

Will the Bills near comeback in Tampa last week inspire them to get back on track, or was that their last gasp? It would be a bad time to use up their breath considering they still have 4 games left. I mean I know these guys are amazing athletes, but surely their lung capacity isn’t so outstanding that they can play that long without needing a literal breather. Buffalo should be able to exhale and pick up a win this week when the Panthers come to town. But if Bills fans are still waiting for this team to round in to a Super Bowl contender perhaps they shouldn’t hold their breath. 


Bills 31-16

Arizona at Detroit

In Week 1 of 2019 these teams played to a tie. At that moment in time they were even. Two years later things have changed. The Cardinals (along with two other teams) have the best record in the league, while the Lions have the worst. Not everything has changed though, Detroit has another tie on their resume this season. Of course, that resume has been placed in a folder labeled: “Too funny to shred.” A competitive game isn’t completely out of the question, as long as that question is “What won’t happen in Detroit this Sunday?”


Cardinals 28-12

New York Jets at Miami 

In a nearly miraculous turn of events, the Dolphins are now only one game out of the playoffs. However there are a host of teams in between them and the last wild card spot. Six to be exact. But if there’s one team that can break through the surface and leap over the crowd into the playoffs wouldn’t that be the Dolphins? Based on team name alone, you’d have to say yes. Though if that’s the criteria I guess the Jets would be even more apt to soar over their competitors. Unfortunately they’ve been sitting on the tarmac for months now without a pilot, and they’re running low on pretzel bags. 


Dolphins 24-20

Dallas at New York Giants

A couple years ago Renee Zellwegger won the Best Actress Oscar for playing Judy Garland in the biopic Judy. The night that it happened I confidently stated, “No one will remember this in a year.” I feel the same way about Joe Judge’s tenure in New York. Even as it’s happening I find myself forgetting it. Now I suppose one could read this and ask, "Doesn't your recalling of Zellwegger's win just now prove your statement incorrect?" To which I would say, we're talking about Joe Judge now. Move on. 

Cowboys 26-13

Washington at Philadelphia 

A few weeks ago the Monday Night Football broadcast relayed a quote from Washington quarterback Taylor Heinicke in which he called himself a Brett Favre type. It seemed like a reach considering he’s started about 10 NFL games, but also because he was the one making the comparison. Walter Payton famously said, “If you’re good at something you’ll tell people about it. But if you’re great at something they’ll tell you.” But a lot of people don’t remember the rest of the quote, “... And if you’re a mediocre quarterback, you might as well compare yourself to a hall of famer. What’s the worst that could happen? You seem like a tool? Who cares? At least people have heard of you now. Gotta get that name recognition baby! Now, you gonna finish that corn dog, or what?” People also tend to forget that when that quote was given Payton was at a county fair talking to a child who was eating a corn dog. Heinicke will have an opportunity to prove his Favre bona fides by playing through an injury this Sunday, and if he does so, you can believe he’ll be the first to point it out. 


Eagles 25-22

Tennessee at Pittsburgh 

I wonder if the Steelers are jealous of the other teams that don’t have a tie. They all get interesting new records this season like 9-8 or 8-9. Meanwhile Pittsburgh is going to finish with something lame like 8-8-1. That’s basically a 2020 record! Sure they have the Lions to keep them company, but who wants to be in the same boat as the Lions (Outside of that guy from Life of Pi, of course. Oh wait, that was a tiger. Forget I said anything)? The way I see it the Steelers' best option is to tie again and avoid the embarrassment of being basic as hell. Don’t be surprised if this one goes to overtime and Roethlisberger starts taking knees in field goal range. 


Steelers 24-21

Houston at Jacksonville 

The Jaguars fired Urban Meyer this week after multiple stories surfaced about his abusive behavior towards his players and staff. To me though, those stories sound like the complaints of a bunch of people who don’t know what it is to be a winner, like Urban Meyer. The only explanation for the Jaguars’ terrible record is that everybody in the organization but Meyer is to blame. And now we’ll all see, when Jacksonville gets even worse over the last four weeks. Just watch, somehow they’ll go 0-6. Of course, the Texans won’t just roll over and let the Jags stake their claim to being the league’s worst team uncontested. Expect a close, agonizing contest. One that will make you want to kick all the players involved.


Texans 24-17

Sunday Afternoon


Cincinnati at Denver 

It’s a clash between two of the countless 7-6 teams in the AFC. Ok, maybe not countless. There are five of them. That’s still pretty astonishing though, right? What might be even more awe-inspiring is that the Broncos are included in that group. I could imagine them as a 6-7 team, but 7-6? Whoa, that’s a bridge too far jocko. And don’t even try to convince me that they can get to 8-6. I’m picking the Bengals, because frankly I don’t want to live in a world where these Denver Broncos have a .571 winning percentage. Can you imagine?!?


Bengals 30-20

Atlanta at San Francisco 

At 6-7 the Falcons are one of the many NFC teams featured in the “In the hunt” section of the playoff graphic displayed on every network’s broadcast. But this feels like someone who got called late on a Friday to see if they’d want to come along on the next day’s hunting trip. Um sure, they’ll come, but really they’re just there because there was an extra seat in the car. Sure they’ll hang out and drink some beer, but they’re not actually going to take a shot at anything. Unless, of course, they drink too much beer, then say, “Check this out!” while they clumsily spin a rifle around in a mock color guard routine before accidentally shooting their own kneecap. It’s 50/50 whether or not they’ll walk again, but everyone of the NFC teams, including the Falcons would tell you it was funny as hell. So yeah, in that way Atlanta is "in the hunt."

49ers 33-17

Seattle at Los Angeles Rams

The Seahawks’ defense has surrendered the most yards in the NFL this season. On the flip side, they’ve given up the fifth fewest points. Call these guys the rubber band men, because they bend but don’t break. Though, if you stretch a rubber band far enough it can definitely break. And then sometimes you find a real old and busted rubber band at the bottom of a junk drawer that’s super brittle and just crumbles in your hand. Then you stare at the remnants and think, “You call that a defense?” Seattle will need to maintain their elasticity this Sunday if they plan on making it out of LA with a win and their slim playoff hopes intact. 


Seahawks 27-24

Green Bay at Baltimore 

Most of the discussion leading into this game has been about Lamar Jackson’s ankle and Aaron Rodgers’ toe. Uh yeah, it’s safe to say this is gonna be a FOOTball game. And don’t get me started on Marquez Valdez-Scantling’s arch. Throw in Justin Tucker to boot ... Boot?!? It just keeps getting footier. So anyway yeah, this is probably the game of the day, which means you’ve likely seen plenty of analysis about it this week. But I know you come here for the feet stuff you sick twist. 


Packers 31-26

Sunday Night

New Orleans at Tampa Bay

The Buccaneers can clinch the NFC South with a win here. But if they lose ... well they'll clinch it next week. But hey, there's still plenty of intrigue in this one. And to illustrate that point, here's Cris Collinsworth:

That doesn't sounds like a healthy working environment Cris. In fact, it's borderline illegal.

Buccaneers 27-17


Monday Night


Minnesota at Chicago 

The Vikings nearly blew a 29-0 lead last Thursday against the Steelers. The fact that they were able to hang on probably saved Mike Zimmer’s job ... for now. If Minnesota had lost, Zimmer would have been fired on his ride home. And he lives right around the corner from the stadium, so that’s saying something. A flight home from Chicago would offer the Minnesota brass plenty of time to can Zimmer if they so choose. I should have mentioned earlier that it’s the Vikings’ policy to fire their coaches in transit. I think Zimmer will be safe again after this one, but if we hear that he’s been booked on a hot air balloon ride during the week we’ll know something’s up.


Bears 23-21 



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