If That Baseball Team Were a Wrestler ....

Have you ever wondered, "If that baseball team were a wrestler who would they be?" Well, I did. In fact, my curiosity went so far that it manifested itself as this post. Below is every team in the majors along with the wrestler that they would be. Are they all good comparisons? No. Are most them good? Questionable. Did I think of 5 good ones and then stretch it to encompass the whole league? Yes. But, it should be enjoyable nonetheless. So, without further ado, here's the answer or answers to the age old question.


NL East



Mets – Macho Man
-Won their first title in a miraculous effort, ’69 Mets, Wrestlemania IV Macho. Later won another title and are a somewhat marquee name in the sport. However, they have been marred by drug use and ridiculous debacles, for the Mets it’s been their last two Septembers and for Macho a rap album.



Phillies – Chris Benoit
-Took them a long time to get over the hump and had a reputation for not being able to win the title. But finally they broke through, and everyone lived happily ever after. That’s it, that’s how it ended.




Marlins – “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
-Only care about the bottom line, and they’re not above buying a championship. They’re also not afraid to sell everything it took to win that title as long as it’ll turn a profit. Both have man-servants named Virgil.



Braves – Mr. Perfect
-Always technically sound and executed very well. Despite being good enough to win a title for a long period of time, they never did get there. Oh, the Braves won a World Series in ’95? I thought they called the season after Edgar’s double … no?



Nationals – The Repo Man
-His angle was that he literally was a repo man, someone who would come and take your stuff when you couldn't pay for it any longer, which is more or less what Washington D.C. did to Montreal. Also, both were better known under different names. And they both suck … hard.


NL Central



Cubs – Mick Foley
-Lovable losers. Fan favorites that always seemed to come out on the losing end in the biggest situations. And for some reason it seems like they enjoy putting people over.


Cardinals – Bret Hart
-Consistently run organization that you just have to respect. They’ve won many titles in the past. Never the flashiest, but they always get the job done.




Reds – Kane
-The Reds dynasty of the 70s was called … the Big Red Machine. That’s good enough for me! Oh wait a minute, I forgot about the Nasty Boyz! I wanna go back1 I have to go back!




Pirates – Jake “The Snake” Roberts
-Had some good times in the late 80s/early 90s but now they’ve devolved into a shell of their former selves. Everybody agrees at this point that they’re pretty much bat-shit crazy. Not to mention the way they always push away the ones they love.



Brewers – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
-Longtime mediocre team deserves a longtime mediocre wrestler. Also, I feel like Hacksaw could fit in pretty well while tailgating outside a Brewers game.




Astros – Rowdy Roddy Piper
-Just when you think you’ve got all the answers, the Houston Astros change the question. I mean, c’mon, they introduced the concept of playing on carpet and they put a hill in centerfield. Neither one has won a title, and I’m not sure either ever deserved to. Yep, I said it.


NL West


Diamondbacks – Brock Lesnar
-Won the title immediately after entering the league. Then grew tired of the sport and left for other things …what’s that? The Diamondbacks still play baseball?




Dodgers – Shawn Michaels
-Perennial contenders with a flare for the dramatic. For the Dodgers it was Jackie stealing home or Gibson’s one-legged homer, for Michaels it’s been countless Wrestlemania moments.




Rockies – Triple H
-Much in the same way that the thin air of Colorado inflated many of the Rockies’ statistics, the WWF’s ridiculous amount of title-swapping in recent years has lead to Triple H having a stupid amount of titles.




Padres – Yokozuna
-The Padres have made it to the World Series twice, losing in 5 games in ’84 and getting swept in ’98. Yokozuna had similarly poor performances in the two Wrestlemanias he main-evented (IX & X). On the other hand you really can't blame either of them for it; the Padres came up against two great teams, and Yokozuna was 600 lbs. Also, for a long time the Padres had the saves leader in Trevor Hoffman, while Yokozuna had Mr. Fuji who saved many a match for him with a handful of salt to the opponent’s eyes.




Giants – Hulk Hogan
Maybe a little too good for the Giants, but let’s look at the facts. Both had a lot of titles early in their career. Both made a stunning heel turn: Hogan to the nWo, the Giants leaving New York. Both came agonizingly close to greatness in 2002: Hogan nearly beating The Rock at Wrestlemania X-8, the Giants blowing a 5-0 lead in game 6 of the World Series. Throw in the Barry Bonds corollaries: steroid use and a lame reality show, and there’s really no getting around it.


AL East



Yankees – Ric Flair
-The dirtiest players in the game, willing to do whatever it takes to win. They’re all about the luxurious lifestyle. You hate them, but you have to respect them. They have more titles than anybody else.




Blue Jays – Ultimate Warrior
-Both are from parts unknown. Won the title then disappeared for the most part.




Red Sox – The Rock
-Rode a wave of popularity to their title win, then immediately turned heel. From there on out they received extremely polarized reactions, either you love them or you hate them. (Applies more to the Red Sox current situation than their whole history)




Rays – Barry Horowitz
-Pathetic losers who actually get a push for once in their existence, then everybody laughs about it afterwards.




Orioles – Sid Justice
-Both are better suited to play softball.


AL Central



White Sox – Ravishing Rick Rude
-Much in the same way that 8 White Sox were banned from baseball in 1919, Rick Rude was banned from the WWF in 1991 for making insensitive comments about Big Bossman’s mother. Both are also known for their creative, borderline ridiculous outfits.




Royals – Dusty Rhodes
-I always hear they were really good back in the 70s. Could’ve fooled me, every time I watch them they’re boring as hell.




Tigers – Goldberg
-Rode a record-setting hot start (’84 Tigers: 20-4, Goldberg 200-0, or whatever it was) to a title. After that they were never as good and they both carelessly ended legends’ careers Goldberg by kicking Bret Hart in the head and the Tigers by forcing Billy Chapel into retirement. And look, they're making the same face.




Twins – “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
-The Twins have a unique home-field advantage, and thus they play a different brand of baseball. Of course, Superfly had a different brand of wrestling that he utilized to his advantage. Both have an iconic leaping moment – Snuka’s big splash from the top of the cage, and Kirby’s catch against the glass in the ’91 World Series.




Indians – Randy “The Ram” Robinson
-Since the best thing about the Indians is the movie that was based on them, I chose a movie wrestler to represent them. Much like the Ram, the Indians’ best days are long behind them.



AL West



A's – Superstar Billy Graham
-Known for being very flashy (70s A’s) and taking lots of steroids (late 80s A’s)




Angels – Goldust
-These guys are all fags. And every time they win it feels like I get kicked in the balls.




Rangers – Eddy Guerrero
-Eddy was all about cheating to win, well, no organization has had as many prominent cheaters as Texas over the past two decades. Sosa, Raffy Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez, Canseco, Juan Gonzalez, they were all Rangers. Unfortunately, the whole winning part hasn’t worked out as well for Texas.




Mariners – Ricky Steamboat
-First, there’s the Asian connection. The M's have an Asian owner, their "best" player is Asian, and they have a strong Asian fanbase; Steamboat is Asian. Neither has won the world title, but at one point they were considered the most talented in the sport. For Steamboat it was the mid to late 80s, and for the M’s it was the mid to late 90s. Steamboat’s Wrestlemania III performance can compare to the '95 team, which means his lame return in the early 90s was the last couple seasons for the Mariners.



So there you have it. The definitive list. Actually, I'm willing to bet it's the only list.