11.06.2009

NFL Picks Week 9

So last week didn't turn out too well. I was only 7-6 in straight up picking games, which, quite frankly, is Jimmy Johnson-esque. And if I remember correctly, part of the mission statement of this website was to be be better than Jimmy Johnson, so I'll have to step it up this time around. On the bright side I had some close calls on the NO-ATL game (mine: 34-27 actual: 35-27) and the MIA-NYJ game (mine: 28-25 actual: 30-25) so I'm still obviously a credible source of football pickery.


The Early Games:


Washington @ Atlanta

Oh baby, it's finally here, DeAngelo Hall's return to Atlanta. In what is no doubt the most anticipated game featuring a player versus his former team since that one time that the Rams signed Isaiah Kacyvenski the week they played the Hawks (what a bunch of Harley riders). I don't know about you folks but I'll have my browser open to the "Hall Cam" on foxsports.com.

Falcons 24-12


Arizona @ Chicago

Was it some sort of "Freaky Friday" scenario last week when Kurt Warner threw 5 picks against Carolina? Did he and Jake Delhomme change bodies somehow? It sure seemed like it. The Cardinals are 3-0 on the road this year, but the Bears are 3-0 at home. In fact, when you look at their team stats these two are remarkably similar, almost identical ... identical, hmm ... identical twins ... The Parent Trap ... is it possible Kurt Warner has become involved in some sort of Disney movie curse? What's next a Bedknobs and Broomsticks game? (No, I don't know how that would work.)

Bears 27-23


Baltimore @ Cincinnati

Are the Bengals for real? I say no. Most likely they're holograms. And while they're very technologically advanced and hard to tackle as a result, I'm not sure they're going to win this one.

Ravens 20-16


Houston @ Indianapolis

I've heard this be called the biggest game in the history of the Texans, and I'm sure if you asked him Peyton Manning would say this is the biggest game of his career as well. I actually think the Texans will put up a fight because the Colts have little to no homefield advantage due to the sun coming through giant windows on either end of their stadium and blinding everyone on the field. Honestly what were they thinking when they built this place? "It'll be a good thing to blind the players. And these windows will make it look like a basketball fieldhouse, and we're in Indiana, and we like basketball." Honestly, I'll bet you someone said that verbatim.

Colts 29-24


Miami @ New England

It was during this game last year that the Wildcat broke onto the scene, and I honestly don't think I've gone a day in my life since without hearing that word. New England is coming off a bye week, but have actually had about 3 weeks off after playing Tennessee and Tampa Bay. In other words they're well rested.

Patriots 30-20


Green Bay @ Tampa Bay

Tampa is the only winless team left in the league. This isn't what you'd expect from a Raheem Morris coached group.

Packers 34-16


Kansas City @ Jacksonville

He's a man called Sting! A man called Sting!

Jaguars 24-10



Afternoon Games



Carolina @ New Orleans

The Saints are looking pretty unstoppable. Well, Unstoppable is Jake Delhomme's middle name. Oh, wait a minute, it's actually Christopher. Nevermind then, I guess I'll take the Saints.

Saints 38-17


Detroit @ Seattle

So apparently the only way the Hawks can win a game is by shutting the other team out. Thank God the Lions are coming to town.

Seahawks 31-0


Tennessee @ San Francisco

So Vince Young actually captained the Titans to their first win last week. Sure he only threw for 125 yards, but he was 15 for 18 which isn't bad for a guy with crippling depression. Maybe this guy just knows how to win, more importantly, maybe Alex Smith doesn't.

Titans 23-20 (OT)


San Diego @ New York

Here's my wacky pick of the week: Because both teams are riddled with assholes, the referees will kick everyone out of the game for egregious unsportsmanlike conduct. The game will then be decided in a Quarterback's Challenge between Phil Rivers and Eli. This will also settle the score on who got the better of the '04 draft day trade and which one is more hateable.

Giants 24-21


Sunday Night


Dallas @ Philadelphia

I talked about this with Pete (Draft Guru) on Sunday, but how long did it take the rest of you to develop a deep hatred for Miles Austin? Was it the first shot of him with a shit-eating grin on his face? The 15th? I hate this guy even more than Houshmandzadeh, and that's saying something.

Eagles 34-31


Monday Night


Pittsburgh @ Denver

At the end of every Monday night game ESPN does a little vignette with Bocephus and some cheerleaders in which he says, "See ya in (whatever city is next)" Then they show a page in a book with the next match-up written on it. At the end of last week's game it said Pittsburg at Denver. This begs the question was Bocephus in charge of the spelling?

Steelers 21-18


5 comments:

Bobby said...

Bateman's "no your fucking wrong" picks of the week:


Az 24 Chi 23 ... Hard to pick this game considering both of these teams are extremely inconsistent.

TB 108 GB 0 ... Tampa Bay is going to be the first 1-7 team in history to have actually outscored their opponents.

KC 24 Jax 17... I actually think Kansas City is the best of the "bad teams" and are actually slightly underrated.

Washington 6 Atlanta 27... There are a lot of football players in this one

Bal 16 Cin 16 ... TIE!!!!

Mia 4 NE 6 (OT) ... Absolutely nobody saw this one coming.

Houston 30 Ind 21 ... I honestly believe this will be the outcome

SD 14 at NYG 17 ... I dont think the Chargers can win tough games on the road

Det 11 Sea 22 ... This seems like one of those games where each team ends up with mid range non football scores... likely multiples of 11. I’m also sending HCM writer Finn to the game for better coverage.

Ten 20 SF 31 ... Its going to be a close game at halftime, the 9ers are going to break it open in the 3rd quarter, and slow the game to a hault in the 4th that will forever be remembered as the 6th most boring 4th quarter in the 2009 season.

Carolina 20 NO 40 … The Panthers are better than people give them credit for, but the problem is the Saints are as good as everybody gives them credit for.

Dal 30 Phi 28 … Somebody’s gonna break a pair of ribs in this one.
Pit 17 Den 26 … I am not buying the whole "Baltimore proved how to stop Denver's offense" thing. At all. Guarantee Josh McDaniels studied what the Ravens did for 75 hours this week and made all the necessary adjustments. Beware of the altitude; beware of Elvis and Knowshon; and most of all, beware of the Neck Beard.

Erik said...

I really like the last one, very well written.

Mr. F said...

While this post is both pompous and redundant... I have to admit. I laughed at three times. And the blatant plagiarism in the last pic... a nice touch.

James said...

Erik, on your Houston V Indy pick, I believe you meant to say "verbateman". That is all.

wanamaker said...

Bateman's "no your fucking wrong" picks of the week:


Az 24 Chi 23 ... Hard to pick this game considering both of these teams are extremely inconsistent.

TB 108 GB 0 ... Tampa Bay is going to be the first 1-7 team in history to have actually outscored their opponents.

KC 24 Jax 17... I actually think Kansas City is the best of the "bad teams" and are actually slightly underrated.

Washington 6 Atlanta 27... There are a lot of football players in this one

Bal 16 Cin 16 ... TIE!!!!

Mia 4 NE 6 (OT) ... Absolutely nobody saw this one coming.

Houston 30 Ind 21 ... I honestly believe this will be the outcome

SD 14 at NYG 17 ... I dont think the Chargers can win tough games on the road

Det 11 Sea 22 ... This seems like one of those games where each team ends up with mid range non football scores... likely multiples of 11. I’m also sending HCM writer Finn to the game for better coverage.

Ten 20 SF 31 ... Its going to be a close game at halftime, the 9ers are going to break it open in the 3rd quarter, and slow the game to a hault in the 4th that will forever be remembered as the 6th most boring 4th quarter in the 2009 season.

Carolina 20 NO 40 … The Panthers are better than people give them credit for, but the problem is the Saints are as good as everybody gives them credit for.

Dal 30 Phi 28 … Somebody’s gonna break a pair of ribs in this one.
Pit 17 Den 26 … I am not buying the whole "Baltimore proved how to stop Denver's offense" thing. At all. Guarantee Josh McDaniels studied what the Ravens did for 75 hours this week and made all the necessary adjustments. Beware of the altitude; beware of Elvis and Knowshon; and most of all, beware of the Neck Beard.