7.29.2009

I wish I knew how to quit you Jared

Editors Note: This post started before the Comcast guy spent 4 hours at my house trying to hook up a telephone.

With Jeff Clement getting taken out of his game last night rumors are flying. I have come to the decision that the Mariners have decided to go for it this season. I'm not the best at math but I think I have it all figured out...

So the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have caught fire and seem to be unbeatable. We all know they can't sustain that, it's impossible. Well I suppose it's possible, but if they win every game from here till the end of the season then my hypothesis is shot. They have been winning games post all-star break at about an 80% clip. Before the break they we at about 60% so lets just say, for the sake of argument, they win 70% of their remaining games. That puts them at 103 wins. We all know this is a stretch but please bear with me.

That means sitting at 52 and 48, all it would take for our beloved Mariners to win the west is going 52-10 the rest of the way. I imagine Jackie Z walking into the clubhouse after the game last night, as the Clement rumors ran rampant, letting all the guys know that he isnt going to be included in a deal with Washburn. He screams, "Weez buying boys, lets win this motherfuckin' thing!!"

He has something covered by a big black sheet. He removes the sheet and it's a life size cut-out of the ultimate clubhouse guy Mike Sweeney. He is wearing a red dress that can be pulled off, piece by piece, 54 times. He says, "This is all it's gonna take." He removes a little piece covering the left shoulder and Sweeney giggles. He hands it to ichiro and says, "It only took you 1950 hits to have a walk-off".

Ichiro thanks him and bows.

**This story has been modified from its original version, it has been reformatted due to recent developments


In walks Ken Griffey Junior with a wheelbarrow full of Junior 600, Chateau Ste Michelle's 600 of a kind Ethos 2005 Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.

"Jack called me last night and told me about his plan and since nobody wants to pay $350 for a bottle of this shit, I figured I would share them with all ya'll. We're going the Series!!!!!!!"

Our 27 guys plus management spent the entire night drinking wine and celebrating the impending arrival of Scott Kazmir and Reid Brignac. At about 3:30 in the morning Jackie Z picked up his phone and told Andrew Friedman, Tampa's GM, Done Deal. Except it was that bastard Neal Huntington from the Pirates. Jack didn't even realize his terrible mistake until waking up by a text from Ian Snell asking if he should report to Tacoma or Seattle.

"Who the Fuck is Ian Snell," he said to himself.

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