NFL Picks Week 16 - Thursday

Carolina @ Pittsburgh

If a scientist builds a time machine the NFL Network will probably be one of the first groups to reserve an appointment with it after selecting some awful games to show on their channel this season. Clearly the only way to avoid this next season would be a time machine.

Steelers 27-13

NFL Picks - Week 15

Morning Games

Cleveland @ Cincinnati

The Battle of Ohio Part II - The most unwanted sequel since Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore. If Delhomme is still starting this one's a toss-up, as in the ball will be repeatedly tossed up for grabs by both quarterbacks.

Browns 20-16


Washington @ Dallas

One team's an underachiever whose veteran coach and zany owner only aided in their poor performance this season. The other is the same exact thing.

Cowboys 31-14


Houston @ Tennessee

Just when you think Houston has had its most heartbreaking loss of the season they top themselves. It's possible that their games are being fixed by Steve Sabol in an effort to create a super entertaining NFL Yearbook. If that's the case it only stands to reason that Sabes won't stop pulling the strings now.

Titans 27-24


Jacksonville @ Indianapolis

I'm so glad that the Jags have hung around this long, now it will only be sweeter when the Colts crush their souls with a good ol' fashioned Manning Stomp. I'm thinking 400+ yards 4 TDs and 3 babes made out with during halftime.

Colts 30-21


Kansas City @ St. Louis

Three weeks ago Matt Cassel torched the Seahawks, he owes it to us to play in this game and play well. If he doesn't he's my new least favorite player in the league, right behind Hines Ward. (I had to think for a while who my least favorite player in the league was, but I think it's him. Please post your own in the comments section.)

Chiefs 24-20


Buffalo @ Miami

The Dolphins really came through for me last week with yet another road win. And now it's time for them to come through again with a home loss. Much like it was asking a lot for them to beat the Jets last week, it's going to take a big effort for them to lose to the Bills. But at this point it's unavoidable, they have to lose.

Bills 17-16


Detroit @ Tampa Bay

Time for my Wacky Pick of the Week: Sensing that the Lions really need this game and that now is the perfect time, Barry Sanders will come out of retirement for one game only. His final stats will be 7 CAR 16 YDS. Did you really expect the guy to do that well, he's like 45 now.

Buccaneers 28-17


Arizona @ Carolina

Good for Jay Feeley, he finally has a comeback for anybody who brings up the Hawks game from '05, "Oh yeah, did you see that game when I scored 25 points?" Of course, the person will answer no because nobody watched the Cardinals-Broncos game last week, but that's not the point. What will Feeley do for an encore? My guess is miss a potential game winner.

Panthers 16-14


New Orleans @ Baltimore

I'm guessing that while Matt Schaub was throwing all over the Ravens D in the 4th quarter on Monday Night Drew Brees was laughing his ass off. It had nothing to do with the game, Brees was watching a Seinfeld re-run. Be that as it may, the Ravens better get it together before the Saints show up on Sunday.

Saints 24-22


Philadelphia @ New York Giants

The biggest NFC East game of the year and it's airing at 10am? Every other week the NFC East has had one of the night games and now this? I'm not saying I want another East game during primetime but this just seems insulting. It's like living in 1984 and Big Brother says "Ya know what 2+2 actually equals 4," but by that point you're like, "No, fuck you it's 5, you can't take it back now." (Or it might be nothing like that, I don't know)

Eagles 27-23


Afternoon Games


Atlanta @ Seattle

I've said it before but last week hammered it home even further, when the Hawks lose they really shit the bed. So either they'll lose this game by at least 3 scores or they'll win.

Seahawks 20-19


New York Jets @ Pittsburgh

In the Jets losses they've scored 9, 0, 3, & 6. I'm taking this into account, from now on if I pick them to lose I won't give them any more than 9 points. But, as it turns out Polamalu's not playing, so I have to go with New York.

Jets 20-17


Denver @ Oakland

There's no reason for anyone to watch this game, even if you're a Raiders fan and especially if you're a Broncos fan.

Raiders 34-17


Sunday Night


Green Bay @ New England

Mike McCarthy has said that he won't know whether or not Aaron Rodgers is going to play until Saturday, well that doesn't really help me does it!? I have no choice but to post two scores, the first one will apply if Rodgers plays, the second if he doesn't. Actually, posting two scores for every game isn't a bad idea, I'll probably start doing this for every game.

w/Rodgers: Patriots 31-20 w/o Rodgers: Patriots 38-7


Monday Night


Chicago @ Minnesota

Anybody catch that footage of the MetroDome collapsing? Crazy huh? To be fair, I don't blame Fox and ESPN for playing that clip every 10 minutes, it's one of the cooler things I've ever seen (this is #1). I'm sure both of these teams would rather be playing indoors, especially Chicago who made it clear last week that they refuse to play in the snow. Considering the Vikings have nothing at QB I'm forced to take Chicago.

Bears 20-6

NFL Picks Week 15 - Thursday

After a week of picks that has been referred to as "one for the ages," I'm sure a lot of you thought (or hoped) I might retire on top. Nope!


San Francisco @ San Diego

The short week should benefit Singletary in this one because Norv Turner will only have four days to prepare while Singletary will follow his normal routine and not prepare at all. However, I don't think the coaching advantage will be enough to get the Niners over the hump.

Chargers 31-13

Seahawks vs 49ers

This will be the first time since... well... maybe ever, that I've watched a Seahawks game by myself. So why not include the Mustacheers. That's right! A running commentary on today's epic battle!

Let's go!

NFL Picks - Week 14

Morning Games

Cleveland @ Buffalo

These two teams seem to have been in an inordinate amount of exciting games this season considering how bad they are. So this game figures to be pretty interesting doesn't it? No! Sometimes two rights make a wrong, and three rights make a left.

Bills 23-20


Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Last week the Bengals fell for the oldest trick in the book, but they shouldn't feel so bad about it. I mean, if it's the oldest trick in the book it's got to be pretty good right? Otherwise they would have taken it out of the book. For instance, one of the next oldest tricks in the book is "Steal someone's wallet," which still works today. But seriously, these dipshit morons don't deserve to win.

Steelers 27-14


Green Bay @ Detroit

Wacky Pick of the Week: Aaron Rodgers throws for over 500 yards ... on the first drive!

Packers 37-30


New York Giants @ Minnesota

For all my Favre hatred over the years I really should have enjoyed seeing him get obliterated last week more than I did, in actuality it was just kind of sad. I mean, here's a guy at the end of his rope just trying to gut it out like he's done his whole career, you have to respect ..... alright never mind I just watched the clip again and it's hilarious. He's all, "Let me just throw it here, ok, here I go AHHHHHH!" He actually seemed like he almost exploded right there on the field, and isn't that how we all expect it to end at this point? Favre literally exploding (or imploding) after a big hit and then Chris Berman making it his #1 play that week and saying, "What a way to go," no "Bye bye Miss American Pie," no "You can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave." Yep that's exactly what will happen.

Giants 24-21


Tampa Bay @ Washington

So the Redskins basically suspended Albert Haynesworth for being an asshole. Also because he kept making this face. Hey Albert, are you angry or something? We couldn't tell from your frowny face. Washington shouldn't be too surprised that Haynesworth ended up being a jerk though, I mean he did step on a guy's neck during a game.

Buccaneers 21-20


Atlanta @ Carolina

The team with the best record in the league takes on the team with the worst record in the league. Now, conventional wisdom would tell you that this game would be a blowout; well, I for one am a big believer in conventional wisdom. Falcons in a blowout!

Falcons 31-10


Oakland @ Jacksonville

This sound-bite sums up how I feel about the Jags' winning four of their last five. They're still shitty. Just the thought of picking these trash-eating stinkbags makes me sick.

Jaguars 24-16


Afternoon Games


Seattle @ San Francisco

When Mike Singletary announced that Alex Smith was going to be the starting quarterback this week I reacted a lot like the kid at the end of this clip (:28).

Seahawks 23-16


Miami @ New York Jets

This week the Dolphins travel to New ... wait, I don't even have to finish that statement, the very fact that the Dolphins are traveling anywhere means that they'll win.

Dolphins 20-17


Denver @ Arizona

It seemed like the Cardinals really had a chance to win this week until Denver fired their coach. If we've learned anything this year it's that if you fire your coach you will win the following game (we've also learned that the Dolphins hate playing in front of the lame-o's at LifeShark Stadium, but I already went over that).

Broncos 21-14


Kansas City @ San Diego

The Chiefs have taken a stranglehold on the AFC West. Will they let go? No, absolutely not, the Kansas City Chiefs are cold-blooded killers that want to watch the life drain out of the AFC West's eyes, the sick bastards. But they'll probably lose this week.

Chargers 27-24


New England @ Chicago

Three words: Possible playoff preview. Whoops, I guess that means it would have to be in the Super Bowl. Look, I'll be honest, if I see two teams with good records playing each other and I don't know what to write I just say "possible playoff preview." I'm a fraud. I promise not to stoop to this level again, I only hope that you can forgive me.

Patriots 28-20


St. Louis @ New Orleans

If the playoffs started today these teams would meet in the first round.

Saints 30-13


Sunday Night


Philadelphia @ Dallas

Not a possible playoff preview here, yet it wasn't flexed out of the Sunday Night slot. Although when you look at the rest of the schedule the only other possibility is KC @ San Diego, and I'm sure NBC doesn't want that aforementioned snuff film on their hands.

Eagles 30-27


Monday Night


Baltimore @ Houston

Why in the world would ESPN schedule the Texans in a Monday Night game this late in the season? They never end up being good. Wouldn't putting them on earlier in the season when they're surrounded by hype be a better idea? Wait a minute, the Texans are only two games out of first in the AFC South, and the Ravens are in line for a Wild Card, you know what that means ...

Ravens 21-16

Miguel Olivo is a Mariner!

Obviously Z would only pull the trigger on this move if he had some bigger plan in place.  There is no way he would just go out an acquire Olivo to be our starting catcher.  I'm really excited to see which GM he is about to fleece with a big trade.  My hunch is that it will be Kansas City GM Dayton Moore.  Olivo is the personal catcher for Zach Greinke, so obviously Z's interest is in getting Greinke.  We'll probably be able to flip Rob Johnson and Josh Wilson in addition to some made up prospects for him.  Congrats in advance Z.  You truly are the best!

Week 14 - Thursday Night

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Well Manning sucks. It's a shame, that guy had potential. 11 picks in the last three games? Yikes! Maybe Leaf was the better pick, it's at least up for debate at this point. That said, the Colts can probably get by the Titans, who have scored 6 points over the last two weeks. That's especially terrible when you consider that the teams they played are 25th & 27th in scoring defense.

Colts 27-10

NFL Picks Week 13

Morning Games


New Orleans @ Cincinnati

The only way this one will be entertaining is if Terrell Owens tries to switch teams during the game, and I can actually see him trying it. Like he just shows up in the Saints huddle laughing, "Hahaha, but seriously Drew what's the play man?" And all the Saints just stare at him until he puts his head down and walks out of the stadium never to be heard from again. So anyway, that will probably happen, and the Saints will get the win.

Saints 28-13


Chicago @ Detroit

We all know what happened with Calvin Johnson's catch that wasn't last time these teams met, I don't think he's going to have that problem again. In fact, my Wacky Pick of the Week says that once Johnson catches his first pass he'll refuse to let the ball go for the rest of the game, which will result in some sort of All-time QB situation. I suppose it would become quite obvious after a while that he wasn't going to pass, and I'm not really sure how the snaps would work, but hey that's why it's wacky, I'll leave it to them to figure out the logistics.

Bears 24-20


San Francisco @ Green Bay

All season the Niners have moved the ball up and down the field slower than an old man, so it's fitting that their best player would break his hip. But hey, San Fran has won 3 out of 4 ... over the Broncos, Rams and Cardinals. Something tells me it won't be as easy against the Packers.

Packers 27-9


Jacksonville @ Tennessee

You're pathetic Jaguars. You had the lead last week and you couldn't close the deal. I can't wait until they move your sad sack franchise to L.A. so I can personally spit in your face.

Jaguars 20-10


Denver @ Kansas City

It's the Finger Bowl! Of course, I'm referring to the incident in which Todd Haley waved his finger at Josh McDaniels after the Chiefs' Week 10 loss to the Broncos. I'm not referring to the football themed porn of the same name starring Sack Phillips. The Chiefs have one of the better offenses in league history right? Seemed like it last week. I have to factor that in to my pick.

Chiefs 31-24


Cleveland @ Miami

Congrats Dolphins, your win last week means that I can still pick you, not this week of course, I mean you're playing at home.

Browns 23-21


Buffalo @ Minnesota

It's this type of game and this type of situation that Brett Favre had in mind when he decided to come back this year. Oh, sorry, I meant it was this type of situation that I dreamed of when Favre decided to come back.

Vikings 24-17


Washington @ New York Giants

What's the verdict on the yellow pants the Redskins have been wearing this season? I thought they were ok at first, if not a little charming, but I didn't realize they were actually going to be around all season and now I think they're pretty disgusting. They're like the Andy Foy of pants. Anyway, Giants win!

Giants 26-14


Afternoon Games


Oakland @ San Diego

This game features one team on the rise and another on the decline, this is like the Hollywood Homicide of football games. Never mind, as it turns out Harrison Ford and Josh Hartnett were both on their declines at that point. (Gotcha Hartnett!) Is there any doubt now that the Chargers will win out and suffer a disappointing home loss in the postseason? I think not.

Chargers 34-20


Carolina @ Seattle

I don't have much to say about this game, so let's take a look back at what happened the last time the Panthers came to Qwest Field.

Seahawks 26-13


Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

Now would be a good time for the Buccaneers to prove themselves and I think they will. They'll prove that they aren't quite good enough when they lose and seriously hamper their playoff aspirations.

Falcons 24-21


St. Louis @ Arizona

The Cardinals probably should have tried to get their Monday night game rescheduled so that the entire nation didn't have to see them, like an ugly girl who doesn't even bother going to the dance. I'm guessing that Derek Anderson was actually laughing out of disbelief that a team is still allowing him to be their starter.

Rams 23-13


Dallas @ Indianapolis

Peyton Manning's 4 interception performance last week really let me down. Though, it didn't stop me from beating Bobby Bateman in Fantasy, in fact, I did the math and Manning could have thrown 20 more picks and I still would have won. But that's not the point, come to think of it I've forgotten what my original point was. Maybe it was that when Manning looks bad he looks BAD. Man, this guy doesn't do anything half way huh?

Colts 31-28


Sunday Night


Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Possible playoff preview here.

Steelers 20-17


Monday Night


New York Jets @ New England

This is being billed as the game of the year in the NFL, which is only the sixth time that's been said this season. I'm not so sure though, my money's on the Super Bowl being the game of the year when all's said and done.

Patriots 24-20

Week 13 - Thursday

Houston @ Philadelphia

Michael Vick's got to be a little annoyed that Andre Johnson is allowed to play in this game. I mean Johnson fought a human and no one could care less. Fortunately for Johnson it's become clear that everyone, including Roger Goodell, hates Cortland Finnegan, so he's been given a free pass.

Eagles 34-17

Apple Cup

Consider this your opportunity to talk shit about either the Huskies or the Cougs.
.
.
.
.
.



Everyone a little shy? Ok I'll get us started...


I hate 'em. The Huskies. I REALLY hate Jack-Huskies ... but that's not what I want to rant about.

Lately I've found a NEW annoying Husky-fan trend. I tell them I hate the Huskies and never root for them... they look mortified and they say "But I root for the Cougars, when they aren't playing the Huskies!?!?".

It's infuriating for a number of reasons, but here are a few thoughts:

A) You're probably a liar. You don't root for the Cougs at all. You just think it makes you sound like a cooler person. It doesn't. Or maybe you're just lying to yourself. 'Cuz if you really root for the Cougs when they aren't playing the Huskies, you're a LAME fan. We're your rival.

Side-note: Let me squash an argument against this right now... Husky Fan: "We care more about beating Oregon. THEY'RE our big rival." Sounds like a delusional Mariners fan from back in the day. We thought the Yankees were our rival. But if you told a Yankee fan that, they'd just laugh in your face. Probably like an Oregon fan would. In fact the similarities are pretty hilarious cuz Husky fans hate the advantages that Oregon has in recruiting just like the Mariner fans hate how the Yankees can spend more money. Problem is the Huskies have a huge advantage in recruiting over most schools just like the M's spend more than most teams. Anyway.. Go Mariners... See ya Jose Lopez...

Where were we?

B) Nobody asked you to root for the Cougs, and quite frankly we don't want ya! We don't need your condescending cheers. The, oh look the little Cougars won, good for them cheers!!! SHOVE IT you pompous d-bags! (this next part is on me cuz I choose to live in Seattle, but TOO BAD) I've got to listen to months and months of how great Jake Locker is (PS what recent QB in the Husky "legacy" wouldn't you take over him? Stanback? Everyone else demolishes him), how great this Husky team is going to be, etc. UGH.

So in closing you magnanimous Husky fans... frack off. Don't root for us. You haven't earned it.

Frack the Huskies.

Go Cougs.

We're gonna roll you.



(lots of generalizations in here... I'll give a pass to my immediate family, and maybe a few others.)

NFL Picks Week 12 - Sunday & (Barely) Monday

Morning Games


Green Bay @ Atlanta

This one could be a playoff preview. Then again there's a good possibility that it won't be. In fact, I wish I could do an audit of every time someone said, "This could be a playoff preview," I'd be willing to bet that as a society we've been right about 7% of the time. As for this game, apparently Matt Ryan doesn't lose in the Georgia Dome, so I'm leaning towards Atlanta. If you'll remember, a few weeks back I questioned Matt Ryan's superstar status; well, win this game and you've done it Matt, you've proven me wrong ... which was my goal all along (you guys should see the smirk on my face right now, it's really insufferable).

Falcons 27-24


Pittsburgh @ Buffalo

Looks like it's time for my Wacky Pick of the Week. And here it is ...

Bills 24-21


Carolina @ Cleveland

Jake Delhomme is starting for the Browns, making it a shame that this game isn't being played in Carolina. If it was, and someone ran on the field I'm betting that security would leave him alone if he made it clear he was gunning for Delhomme.

Browns 28-13


Jacksonville @ New York Giants

These Jags just keep finding ways to win, and it's pissing me off. I've proclaimed for the last two seasons that they suck, and now they're 6-4. Well the jig is up, this is the week they go down, this is the week they die! (I'm trying to establish a dynamic in which I'm a villain and the Jags are a scrappy hero that just won't be defeated. We'll see if they cooperate.)

Giants 26-17


Minnesota @ Washington

If you like juicy story lines this is the game for you I'm not sure if this game should be announced by Joe Buck or Jerry Springer! I mean am I right? C'mon! But seriously folks, if we've learned anything from the Cowboys it's that when a team fires their dead-man-walking coach they'll come out with energy the next week.

Vikings 28-18


Tennessee @ Houston

This week in SI's Fantasy Football section, they tabbed Randy Moss as a player whose stock was falling. What!? They're just realizing that? I haven't played this guy for the last 3 weeks. Ten days ago I was at the grocery store and overheard a 6 year-old telling her mom to, "Avoid Moss like the plague." But thanks for the advice SI, by the way, what should I do with J.J. Stokes? As for Houston, are they trying to get their fans to commit suicide? I'm pretty sure they can only go up from here.

Texans 24-16


Afternoon Games


Kansas City @ Seattle

Say what you will about the Hawks' loss in New Orleans, but they actually scored 19 points, which is their high for a loss this season. Unfortunately, they bounced off of Chris Ivory like Tecmo Super Bowl characters and wound up surrendering 34 points. But now The Hawks are back home in Seattle, where they never give up huge point totals.

Seahawks 24-17


Miami @ Oakland

It's time for Miami to start proving my "party animals that can only win on the road" theory again. And if they don't I'm never picking them again.

Dolphins 21-20


St. Louis @ Denver

The Rams are pretty bad on the road, and the Broncos are pretty bad everywhere. So who ends up being worse on Sunday? I'm going to go with the Rams. Why? Because wouldn't that just be better for everyone?

Broncos 20-16


Philadelphia @ Chicago

We've got a possible playoff preview on our hands here.

Eagles 23-19


Tampa Bay @ Baltimore

The upstart Bucs will really be put to the test this week. Will they pass? Yes, and I'm guessing they'll run also, probably not successfully enough to win the game though.

Ravens 17-10


Sunday Night


San Diego @ Indianapolis

Everything points to a Chargers win in this one. The Colts aren't healthy, San Diego's turning it on like they always do, and it seems like they've just had the Colts' number in the past few years. Which is why I'm going with Indy. Just when you think you've got all the answers Peyton Manning changes the question ... and then changes it a few more times at the line of scrimmage.

Colts 28-24


Monday Night


San Francisco @ Arizona

Oh no. When I got to the bottom of the schedule without seeing this game I just figured it had been canceled. That seemed more likely than it being a Monday Nighter. Anyway, somebody's going to win this ... probably.

Cardinals 16-13

Week 12 - Thanksgiving Games

I hope you all have a great day. And while you're stuffing your fat faces be thankful that you're not on the NFL TV crews who have to work on Thanksgiving. Or some jerk who has to make sure that 3D college basketball games make it to air for the 400 people with 3D TVs.


New England @ Detroit

There's no better Thanksgiving tradition than waking up bleary-eyed convinced that you're still dreaming because the Lions are on TV. This year you should probably just stay asleep, seeing as how this one won't be much of a game.

Pats 35-10


New Orleans @ Dallas

I remember about 15 years ago when Troy Aikman was hurt for the Thanksgiving game and Jason Garrett had to fill in. And, if you didn't remember that, don't worry you're going to be reminded of it ceaselessly during the broadcast. And guess what, he's in a replacement role once again! He won that first game I mentioned, but now Jon Kitna's his QB, and he brings that Lions Thanksgiving stink with him.

Saints 27-20


Cincinnati @ New York Jets

In the Bengals' two games before last they made a strong comeback late but fell short. In the Jets' last three games they've come back late and won in varying degrees of miraculosity. It seems inevitable that this game will be scoreless until the 4th quarter, at which point on of the most electric back-and-forth battles in NFL history will commence. It's just too bad that most people won't see it due to turkey naps.

Jets 24-20

Finally

Buffalo beating up on Cincy just so happened to be the greatest outcome of this season. My masterpiece is complete!

NFL Picks Week 11 ... The Conclusion

I'm coming off a 5-8 week. Like I said I had to rush and didn't have a lot of success, kind of like the Hawks inside the 10. Whoops, I let slip some Seahawks criticism, better make up for it by really hammering the Niners later.

Sunday Morning

BUF @ CIN

If CBS just didn't send a crew out to this game would anyone notice? I doubt it, and I'm including people in Buffalo and Cincinnati.

Bengals 23-13


Detroit @ Dallas

Ya know a lot's going to be made about this being the Kitna Bowl. In fact, it led Sportscenter last night. But I'm sorry, I'm just not that interested. Now, if this game were being played in Detroit where Kitna's jersey hangs in the rafters then it would be a different story.

Cowboys 28-20


Washington @ Tennessee

The Redskins seem to be a cohesive organization, "McNabb, you're fat, slow, and dumb ... here's $80 million." Honestly, what have they seen from McNabb this year that warrants an extension at all, let alone one for $80 million (There's little chance that he'll actually end up with the whole thing, but still.) One writer claimed that there were racial undertones to Shanahan's comments about McNabb not being able to grasp the playbook. Well guess what, McNabb does seem stupid, and it has nothing to do with the fact that he's black, the guy didn't know how overtime worked! Anyway, the Redskins suck.

Titans 24-16


Arizona @ Kansas City

Kansas City's on a two game losing streak but there's good news for Chiefs fans: the Cardinals are coming to town! I'm actually thinking about changing my name so that nobody ever confuses me for Derek Anderson.

Chiefs 34-20


Green Bay @ Minnesota

Anybody catch Favre's press conference after the Vikings' loss last week? It was self-indulgent, even for Favre. It's going to be great when Minnesota's 5-9 and he's still pulling this shit but nobody cares. He's going to have to take a picture of something really crazy just to stay relevant. I'm guessing taint.

Packers 24-21


Houston @ New York Jets

Mark Sanchez seems like he's really becoming a bona fide NFL quarterback, including his terrible celebration (at the :08 mark) after throwing the game-winning touchdown pass. Sweet high steps Mark, isn't this guy supposed to be cool? I'll bet chicks aren't gonna be into him anymore. As for Houston, they seem to really have trouble defending against the deep ball, so I can't in good conscience pick them.

Jets 23-17


Oakland @ Pittsburgh

Tom Brady may have uncovered the secret to beating the Steelers' defense last week, all you have to do is yell at your offense a lot and remind them to play well. Unfortunately for the Raiders, I'm not sure that Jason Campbell has that in him so they'll probably lose.

Steelers 26-17


Baltimore @ Carolina

Wacky Pick of the Week time: Steve Smith will finally get his wish when it's revealed that the most brilliant scientists Charlotte has to offer have collaborated to clone a team full of Steve Smiths. The team will unravel, however, when it becomes apparent that even Steve Smith can't stand Steve Smith.

Ravens 23-9


Cleveland @ Jacksonville

Is Cleveland the best team in the NFL? Not as long as the Hawks are still in the league obviously, but are they in the top 5? No, but they're pretty solid. There, I said it, these Browns are solid (a phrase I haven't been able to use since the McRib returned).

Browns 28-20


Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ San Francisco

After consecutive wins the Niners' season is back on track. Mike Singletary should take time out of his day to thank his lucky stars that he coaches in the NFC West. Though, he probably won't be able to because he already burned all his time outs. The bad news for San Fran is that Josh "World Beater" Freeman is coming to town, and this guy loves crushing lame-o's.

Bucs 23-16


Seattle @ New Orleans

The Seahawks are flying under the radar right now, and I think they like it that way. That's the rationalization I've come to to explain their ridiculous inability to score in the red zone. See if they scored too many points they'd have a bull's eye on their chest. Luckily this game is a 1pm start time. I don't know why the Saints decided to go with the later kickoff, but someone just make a bad mistake!

Seahawks 27-24


Atlanta @ St. Louis

And here's game #3 in this week's NFC West/NFC South showdown. Some would say that those are the best and worst divisions in the conference, but I'm not sure, I mean the South isn't that bad. The Rams have played well at home and this has the makings of a letdown for Atlanta, who just came off a big win and have two tough games coming up.

Rams 20-17


Indianapolis @ New England

I fell asleep during this game last year, but to be fair I was tired. This year I vow to stay awake AND pay attention. It's this type of commitment that makes it possible for me to bring you this post most weeks. Anybody else think it's lame that Brady is trying to copy Whitehurst's hair?

Patriots 28-23


Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

It's nice to see Michael Vick be able to concentrate on football after all of those nasty dogfighting rumors. This guy has shown us what courage is all about.

Giants 24-20


Monday Night

Denver @ San Diego

Once again the AFC West has aligned itself for the Chargers to take over the division in the second half of the season. Why are we even surprised at this point? It happens every year. There should be a prop bet at the beginning of each season: Which will last longer? The Chargers being outside of 1st place or Alex Smith being a starting quarterback.

Chargers 35-17

Felix Hernandez won the Cy Young Award for the American League

I love this guy. I hope he stays a Mariner forever. He's the only reason I watched any games the last half of the season. God bless Felix.

All Hail the King.

Bow Down to the King.

Long Live the King.

The One True King.

We Are Motorhead.

(Sorry, this sucks, but we all know Felix rules. I don't have much to add... but clearly the mustacheers were clamoring for a thread topic, so discuss away my loved ones)

NFL Picks Week 11

Just to assure all of you that last week's weak effort was an anomaly I got an early start on things.

Thursday Night

Chicago @ Miami

Apparently Chad Pennington had a bonus in his contract in which he got $200,000 for every game he started. Well, he ended up playing two downs on Sunday, so he got $100,000 per snap. It's too bad he doesn't have Cam Newton's dad as his agent because then he probably could have made $100,000-$180,000 per play. (By the way, if I can switch to college for a second, that part of the story makes no sense. Why would they ask for 100-180? "If my boy's going to play for your school I want $180,000 ... or 55% of that. Your call." I hope this guy's not a salesman, he'd make the worst haggler ever.) Last week Miami finally got off the schneid at home, why would they stop winning now? Oh right, they're starting their third-string quarterback ... hmm ... naw screw it, I'm still picking them.

Dolphins 27-17


Sunday Morning ....


... Will be available on Friday morning. You didn't really think I'd blow my hot post on a Wednesday night did you? I save that shit for high traffic hours.

A chat between your party hosts

*standard text messaging rates apply

Party Host 1 (from his car): Sark said on the radio today that he wouldn't be surprised to see Jake Locker have a performance similar to Vick last night within the next 8 -10 years. Yeah Fucking Right

Party Host 2 (pumping iron at the gym): This makes me feel better about the apple cup knowing sark is a moron

NFL Picks Week 10

I've been pretty busy this week, so I hope you're not too upset with these abbreviated comments. And I'm sure some of you are saying, "I wish they were this short every week!" Well eff off jerk.

Sunday Morning


Detroit @ Buffalo

The Bills have got to win sometime, and the Niners aren't on their schedule.

Bills 22-21


Minnesota @ Chicago

The Bears are 5-3? How is that possible? The beat the Packers on a Monday night, which is a quality win, aside from that the combined record of the teams they've beat is: 4-28. Yes, you read that right ... 4-28! In other words, the four worst teams (record-wise) in the league.

Vikings 24-17


New York Jets @ Cleveland

You have to hand it to the Browns, they've had an impossible schedule and they've actually crushed a couple good teams in their last couple games, which I guess would make them the anti-Bears.

Browns 21-17


Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

Squash match.

Colts 35-17


Tennessee @ Miami

The Dolphins let me down on the road last week, now I don't know what to believe ... except that they'll lose at home.

Titans 26-23


Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Tampa is looking pretty solid, which I guess would mean that the Panthers are pretty liquid?

Buccaneers 27-10


Houston @ Jacksonville

I'm not sure what to make of either team at this point.

Texans 30-27


Afternoon Games


Kansas City @ Denver

Interesting match-up here.

Chiefs 23-20


Dallas @ New York Giants

Whoa, these Giants are getting good.

Giants 38-9


Seattle @ Arizona

In the Hawks losses this year they've averaged 6.75 points, which means that if they score a touchdown Sunday it'll be downhill from there.

Seahawks 20-13


St. Louis @ San Francisco

Interesting match-up here.

Rams 23-16


Sunday Night


New England @ Pittsburgh

In the words of Johnny Moxon: "Tell me who wins."

Steelers 20-17


Monday Night


Philadelphia @ Washington

I'm not sure I have the mental or cardio-vascular capacity to finish this post.

Eagles 24-19

Dave Niehaus at his best

RIP Dave Niehaus

Best baseball announcer of all time.