Saturday Night
Dallas @ Tampa Bay
After taking a four week (weeks 7-10) respite from playing terribly dramatic games, the Cowboys have revealed their true attention-whore selves again. Their last four games have been filled with lead changes, comebacks, smiles, occasional frowns, broken ankles, and the first ever icing of ones own kicker. Does this mean we're in for another suspense-filled match-up when Dallas takes on Tampa? Not so fast. We should also look at the pattern in the Bucs' schedule. One noticeable re-occurrence in the last seven weeks is the L next to all of Tampa's games. That's right, they've dropped seven in a row, and not one of them has been entertaining (and if any of them have been, no one's noticed). This makes the Cowboys the obvious pick, but I predict at least one lead change (and if I'm wrong and the game ends in a 0-0 tie, I'll be equally as happy, I've been praying for that score for years).
Cowboys 34-17
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Chicago
After his legendary run in last season's playoffs Marshawn Lynch has a lifetime free pass from me. Even if he were to play poorly I wouldn't be upset with him because of that run, everything from that point on is icing on the cake. So now that Marshawn has gone into prolonged Beast Mode, that cake has more icing than those ones that you get from Costco that really push the limits of how much is too much. But at this point, who cares, let's just keep piling icing on until the cake collapses. Er, no, don't collapse the cake. Damn it, I got lost in my own analogy. The point is this, Beast Mode is fully engaged, and Caleb Hanie sucks. A + B = Hawks win!
Seahawks 20-17
Carolina @ Houston
These teams had polar opposite performances last week. The Panthers had a 16 point lead going into the half and couldn't come away with the win. Meanwhile, the Texans were down 13 at halftime and came back to win in the final seconds. If we do some simple math it's clear that Houston will have a 30 point comeback victory. But math don't mean nothing in the NFL, and neither does proper English.
Texans 23-16
Washington @ New York Giants
Just when you think you can count the Giants out they win one game and are somehow back in first place. After a big win like the one they had last week, the Giants usually like to follow it up with a stinker. It would be like delivering an eloquent speech in front of a crowd of your respected peers and then unloading a giant fart into the microphone (which would be very similar to my final presentation in Public Speaking Freshman year). But, as much as I'd like to pick the Skins in an upset, this will be their 9th loss in 10 games, just as I predicted a couple months ago. I can't waver now.
Giants 28-23
Miami @ Buffalo
This is a very important game ... for bars that don't have enough TVs to accommodate all the morning games. This one makes it an easy choice as to what not to watch. The Bills have managed to lose six straight games after starting 5-2. Meanwhile, Tony Sparano has fulfilled his destiny and become an unemployed football coach. So who wins this abysmal match-up? As I said before, no one will turn the game on, so the world may never know.
Dolphins 19-16
New Orleans @ Minnesota
Joe Webb relieved Christian Ponder in the Vikings' last game and really turned some heads, including his own. That missed face-mask call was really a blessing in disguise for Minnesota, in that they remain in the hunt for the second pick in the draft. And as we all know, that second pick will get them .... ummm, someone not as good as Andrew Luck? He's really the only pro prospect I've heard of so far. Help me DGP! Speaking of help, the Saints should help the Vikings in their continued march toward what I trust will be a quality rookie.
Saints 35-20
Cincinnati @ St. Louis
After Week 9 the Bengals were 6-2 and the #1 seed in the AFC. Following that they've promptly lost 4 of their next 5. Clearly they got flustered when the expectations grew and the pressure was on, in other words, they looked a lot like this guy (that's the 2nd Ted Striker link this season, bonus points to whoever can find which week the first one was). The good news for Cincy is that they get a semi-bye week with this trip to St. Louis. The bad news is that their playoff chances may have already crashed and burned like so many a fighter jet over Macho Grande.
Bengals 20-10
Tennessee @ Indianapolis
It was a very emotional experience for me to watch Matthew Hasselbeck and Jake Locker team up to nearly upset the Saints last week. I gazed at the screen with such wonder as two Seattle sports legends played their hearts out for ... Tennessee? I guess that's the lesson here, when someone is forced to leave Seattle they lose the will to win. Sure they can get close to making amazing things happen, but ultimately they'll fall short. Fortunately for the Titans, beating the Colts does not qualify as an amazing thing, so whoever gets the go for Tennessee should be able pull a Seattle and get the win. By the way, the Titans string of 23-17 games fell short by one in last week's 22-17 loss to New Orleans. Nice try guys, I'm not fooled.
Titans 23-17
Green Bay @ Kansas City
Surely the Chiefs were shocked last week to find out that 10 points didn't get the job done for the second week in a row, but that shouldn't come as a surprise. Yes, it worked against the Bears, but most everything works against the Bears, except for running uphill, do NOT run uphill if a bear is chasing you (note: not advice for beating the Chicago Bears, just normal bears). In Tyler Palko's career as a starter the Chiefs have put up a combined 32 points. What's the point you may be wondering? The point is that Kansas City will need more points this week than Tyler Palko has been able to put up in six games. That won't happen. Say it with me everybody .... CREAM JOB! (you all shouted it right?)
Packers 38-14
Sunday Afternoon
Detroit @ Oakland
It's the league's dirtiest team (Detroit) against the league's most heavily penalized team (Oakland). The NFL should just throw out the rules for this one and make it a hardcore match. Anything goes! Chairs? Sure. Brass knucks? You bet. A steel cage around the field? I don't see why not. Two teams enter, one team leaves. The other team stays because they were playing a home game and they have no reason to leave.
Raiders 34-31
New England @ Denver
It took me a while to figure out what was happening in Denver, but I finally pinned it down. It's Angels in the Outfield. The Broncos clearly have otherworldly assistance in these games and I'm pretty sure I saw this guy in the crowd last week. I'm telling you, don't be surprised if John Fox adopts two orphans at the end of the season. One thing is bizarre though, if the angels were trying to be inconspicuous why did one of them decide to play for the team? And at quarterback no less.
Broncos 24-21
New York Jets @ Philadelphia
The Jets have won their last three after struggling to a 5-5 mark. So what's changed in the last few weeks? To find the answer we need to look at what put them at 5-5 ... they were Tebowed. Is it possible that merely being in His presence made them a better football team, and indeed better people? Foolish, right? Well let's take a look at other teams who have been, Tebowed. The Dolphins won 4 of their next 6 after Tebow (henceforth referred to as A.T.). The Raiders won their next three A.T.. And the Chargers have won back to back games A.T.. What makes it more amazing is that none of those teams had a winning record immediately A.T., yet they were able to reel off multiple wins in the subsequent weeks. Everything this guy touches turns to gold! His majesty knows no bounds! Because of the Tebow Effect, the Jets are the pick.
Jets 24-17
Cleveland @ Arizona
Is it possible that the Cardinals and Seahawks got together about six weeks ago and agreed that it would be more fun if their game in the last week of the season meant something? Probably not. It would be a real hassle for all 100+ players to travel to the same location just to agree on something. If anything they probably texted each other. Whatever the method of communication, the two teams have drastically improved and kept their playoff hopes on life support. Obviously the Browns won't be the one to pull the plug on the Cards.
Cardinals 21-16
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ San Diego
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that at halftime of this game Phil Rivers tries to pull a Johnny Moxon style revolt on his out of touch, inept, and possibly abusive head coach. The only problem is that it will have the reverse effect. Rivers will run out of the locker room and find that no one is following him. Norv Turner will then lead his team out to the field with their new starting quarterback Billy Volek, at which point they'll lose terribly. They probably should have followed Rivers. (Note: predicted final score does not reflect Wacky Pick, making it all the more wacky)
Ravens 25-22
Monday Night
Pittsburgh @ San Francisco
After starting out 9-1 the Niners have now dropped two of their last three causing Jim Harbaugh's chin to jut out further than Zack Morris's, post crotch-grab (one out of five people will get that, and that's not a ratio, one of the five people who read this will get that). Meanwhile, the Steelers have won 8 of their last 9 to match San Fran's 10-3 record. If Ben Roethlisberger plays, Pittsburgh has to be the favorite. If he doesn't, San Francisco is the favorite. I should point out now that I'm using that term strictly to mean the favored team. Let me make it very clear that neither of these teams is my favorite. Far from it, in fact, just having to write about this game makes me upset.
Steelers 17-13
12.15.2011
Week 15 - Thursday
Jacksonville @ Atlanta
What a way to start the week. It's kind of like waking up Monday morning and rolling over to find a pool of your own sick. Will this game really be as bad as a pile of vomit? Probably not, but you'll have to tune-in to find out! There ya go NFL Network, you can have that one for free. Anyway, let's figure out what the pick should be: The Falcons have failed to impress all year. The Jaguars have failed all year.
Falcons 24-13
What a way to start the week. It's kind of like waking up Monday morning and rolling over to find a pool of your own sick. Will this game really be as bad as a pile of vomit? Probably not, but you'll have to tune-in to find out! There ya go NFL Network, you can have that one for free. Anyway, let's figure out what the pick should be: The Falcons have failed to impress all year. The Jaguars have failed all year.
Falcons 24-13
12.08.2011
NFL Picks Week 14
At this point in the season it's becoming easier and easier to pick games. That is, until it gets harder. Just when you think you have a grasp on this league it wriggles out of your hands like Marshawn through a pack of Eagles. With that in mind, I've selected three big upsets this week. Readers with a keen eye should be able to catch them. Enjoy!
Sunday Morning
Kansas City @ New York Jets
The Chiefs' defense has been all over the place this season. In their last two games they've given up a combined 16 points, in their first two games they gave up 89 combined points. Sprinkle in a shutout of Oakland and a 31 point surrendering to Miami, and it's just downright confusing. So what to make of these jerks? Who cares, it's the Chiefs. My advice would simply be to ignore them, that's been my strategy, it didn't work very well for the Bears last week, but that's beside the point.
Jets 17-6
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville
It's a battle of Northern Florida vs. Central Florida! Hold on to your butts, there won't be any fans sitting down for this one. In fact, they're probably won't be any fans standing either. These are two of the least popular teams in the league, especially in the cities where they play, so the attendance promises to be sparse at best. Both teams seemed to hit rock bottom last week with blowout losses to losing teams at home. Good news for one of these squads: you're actually going to get a win this week! Bad news for the other group: you're going to lose to a team that might be even worse than you.
Jaguars 22-16
New England @ Washington
Two Redskins, TE Fred Davis and OT Trent Williams, were suspended this week for positive drug tests and they didn't even have hyperactivity to use as an excuse. Clearly this is a team full of dirty cheats, and all of their wins up to this point should be forfeited. But since that probably won't happen I'll move on. The Patriots are the clear pick over the Redskins, said observers of the struggle for the "New World," and that statement rings truer than ever in this contest.
Patriots 30-20
Atlanta @ Carolina
Upset #1!!! The Falcons have proven to be shaky on the road this year. They're 3-3, with one of those wins coming against the Colts (shouldn't count) and another coming in an escape act over the Seahawks, a game in which a 61st minute really would have benefited Tarvaris and the gang. Meanwhile, the Panthers are coming off impressive victories against the Colts and the Buccaneers, and I see them getting their third in a row.
Panthers 27-24
Indianapolis @ Baltimore
If there are still any folks in Baltimore that are bitter about the Colts leaving town, this game should finally allow them to get over it. Seeing the Colts in their current state will make Baltimorans (Baltimorians?) glad that they left town. That being said, after his performance last week I don't think it's too early to say that Dan Orlovsky may be the future of the NFL. And apparently I'm not the only one, note these absurd QB rankings that have him at #23, one better than Tarvaris Jackson. Sports Illustrated, always good at lists.
Ravens 26-10
Philadelphia @ Miami
It might seem strange to you that at this point in the season one of the teams I'm most confident in is the Miami Dolphins. Well it's just as strange to me that I sit around typing football goofs for a readership of five. But hey, sometimes strange things make the most sense. Most of the time that is not true, so don't consider that advice, but just roll with it for now.
Dolphins 24-17
Minnesota @ Detroit
It should be noted that last week I correctly predicted the score of the Lions 31-17 loss to the Saints. Of course, the only reason I have to note it is because I didn't receive the flood of texts, phone calls, tweets or even re-tweets that I was expecting after such an accomplishment. But don't worry, I'm not too humble to pat myself on the back every now and then. As for this week, I predict that I nail the Lions' score again. Of course, that statement is redundant because if I'm picking a score I obviously believe that I'll be right, otherwise I wouldn't pick it. Understood?
Lions 31-23
New Orleans @ Tennessee
Upset #2!!! The Saints have already suffered disappointing road losses at Tampa and St. Louis this season, so it's not too far-fetched to believe that they'd drop one to the surging(?) Titans. Tennessee has won back to back games by the score of 23-17, and the game before that they lost to Atlanta by the same score. They're just making it easy on me here.
Titans 23-17
Houston @ Cincinnati
If you'll take another look at the SI quarterback rankings you'll see that T.J. Yates is sitting at the 21 spot. And why not? He flirted with a 50% completion rate and threatened to top 200 yards in his lone start of the season. I know what you're thinking, 21? This man belongs in the top 5! Well, hold your horses, this isn't a ranking of QBs with the coolest first names, so Teej will probably need another fantastic start before he can rise up the polls. Unfortunately, that fantastic start will not come in this game against the Bengals' stingy D.
Bengals 16-9
Sunday Afternoon
Chicago @ Denver
Three weeks ago, when the Bears started their stretch of consecutive games against the entire AFC West, they couldn't have imagined it turning out like this. It must be reaffirming though for the Bears front office to see that they had Caleb Hanie as the back-up quarterback for a reason, their evaluation of talent, and lack there of, is spot on. As if things weren't going bad enough for Chicago they now have to face ^$%&* (at this point it would be disrespectful to type the man's name as if he were one of us). This game can best be described as an irresistible force meeting a very movable object.
Broncos 21-15
San Francisco @ Arizona
Upset #3!!! It's time for us all to take a long look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves. Let's face it, these Cardinals are getting good! They've won 4 out of their last 5 with their only loss coming against .... uh oh. Ok, so it was only a few weeks when the Niners dominated the Cards 23-7. So what's changed? Kevin fuckin' Kolb, that's what. He was absent from the first match-up, and I think his presence in this game will make a huge difference (fingers crossed that it's a positive difference).
Cardinals 16-13
Buffalo @ San Diego
Two teams from opposite ends of the map with the same record. That is not an interesting anecdote, and fittingly, this is not an interesting game. The Chargers are still technically in the AFC West race, but with you know who playing quarterback for Denver, they might as well just give up now. I'd tell them to say their prayers, but once again, when you take into consideration the Denver QB, there's not much hope that God would listen.
Chargers 26-23
Oakland @ Green Bay
When debating whether or not the Packers will go undefeated, a lot of analysts argue that it will be impossible for another team to outscore Green Bay, they then go on to explain other ways in which teams might have a shot. What they should have done instead was stop talking after they said it would be impossible for another team to outscore Green Bay; if that's true, then Green Bay will not lose, this is just a fact.
Packers 38-21
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Dallas
Why aren't we hearing more about how the NFC East sucks this year? The first place team is 7-5 and the combined record of the teams in the division is 21-27. If this were the NFC West the division would be cast aside by the national media, but instead we're talking about the East, so it's just as popular as ever. But not here! In fact, I care so little about this division that I barely even pay attention when these teams are playing. You might say that I'm neglecting my duties as a bona fide pick-meister, but the truth is that I don't really need to watch. When it comes to NFC East match-ups (and all other games) I just flip a coin and hope for the best.
Heads (whoops) Cowboys 27-23
Monday Night
St. Louis @ Seattle
Bum bum bum bum, Ba bum Ba bum! Get ready America! Just when I thought the national media didn't care about the NFC West they give us a chance to showcase this gem. Speaking of gems, well not gems, but gyms, The Rams may be starting Tyler Grandstander, well not Grandstander, but Brandstater (I have to check on the Tyler part too). A third stringer trying to succeed in the CLink? Do your research pal. Apparently Sam Bradford is "hoping" he can play, but it's clear that he also has a concussion in addition to his ankle problem, because if he was thinking clearly he wouldn't want any part of this shit.
Seahawks 24-0
Sunday Morning
Kansas City @ New York Jets
The Chiefs' defense has been all over the place this season. In their last two games they've given up a combined 16 points, in their first two games they gave up 89 combined points. Sprinkle in a shutout of Oakland and a 31 point surrendering to Miami, and it's just downright confusing. So what to make of these jerks? Who cares, it's the Chiefs. My advice would simply be to ignore them, that's been my strategy, it didn't work very well for the Bears last week, but that's beside the point.
Jets 17-6
Tampa Bay @ Jacksonville
It's a battle of Northern Florida vs. Central Florida! Hold on to your butts, there won't be any fans sitting down for this one. In fact, they're probably won't be any fans standing either. These are two of the least popular teams in the league, especially in the cities where they play, so the attendance promises to be sparse at best. Both teams seemed to hit rock bottom last week with blowout losses to losing teams at home. Good news for one of these squads: you're actually going to get a win this week! Bad news for the other group: you're going to lose to a team that might be even worse than you.
Jaguars 22-16
New England @ Washington
Two Redskins, TE Fred Davis and OT Trent Williams, were suspended this week for positive drug tests and they didn't even have hyperactivity to use as an excuse. Clearly this is a team full of dirty cheats, and all of their wins up to this point should be forfeited. But since that probably won't happen I'll move on. The Patriots are the clear pick over the Redskins, said observers of the struggle for the "New World," and that statement rings truer than ever in this contest.
Patriots 30-20
Atlanta @ Carolina
Upset #1!!! The Falcons have proven to be shaky on the road this year. They're 3-3, with one of those wins coming against the Colts (shouldn't count) and another coming in an escape act over the Seahawks, a game in which a 61st minute really would have benefited Tarvaris and the gang. Meanwhile, the Panthers are coming off impressive victories against the Colts and the Buccaneers, and I see them getting their third in a row.
Panthers 27-24
Indianapolis @ Baltimore
If there are still any folks in Baltimore that are bitter about the Colts leaving town, this game should finally allow them to get over it. Seeing the Colts in their current state will make Baltimorans (Baltimorians?) glad that they left town. That being said, after his performance last week I don't think it's too early to say that Dan Orlovsky may be the future of the NFL. And apparently I'm not the only one, note these absurd QB rankings that have him at #23, one better than Tarvaris Jackson. Sports Illustrated, always good at lists.
Ravens 26-10
Philadelphia @ Miami
It might seem strange to you that at this point in the season one of the teams I'm most confident in is the Miami Dolphins. Well it's just as strange to me that I sit around typing football goofs for a readership of five. But hey, sometimes strange things make the most sense. Most of the time that is not true, so don't consider that advice, but just roll with it for now.
Dolphins 24-17
Minnesota @ Detroit
It should be noted that last week I correctly predicted the score of the Lions 31-17 loss to the Saints. Of course, the only reason I have to note it is because I didn't receive the flood of texts, phone calls, tweets or even re-tweets that I was expecting after such an accomplishment. But don't worry, I'm not too humble to pat myself on the back every now and then. As for this week, I predict that I nail the Lions' score again. Of course, that statement is redundant because if I'm picking a score I obviously believe that I'll be right, otherwise I wouldn't pick it. Understood?
Lions 31-23
New Orleans @ Tennessee
Upset #2!!! The Saints have already suffered disappointing road losses at Tampa and St. Louis this season, so it's not too far-fetched to believe that they'd drop one to the surging(?) Titans. Tennessee has won back to back games by the score of 23-17, and the game before that they lost to Atlanta by the same score. They're just making it easy on me here.
Titans 23-17
Houston @ Cincinnati
If you'll take another look at the SI quarterback rankings you'll see that T.J. Yates is sitting at the 21 spot. And why not? He flirted with a 50% completion rate and threatened to top 200 yards in his lone start of the season. I know what you're thinking, 21? This man belongs in the top 5! Well, hold your horses, this isn't a ranking of QBs with the coolest first names, so Teej will probably need another fantastic start before he can rise up the polls. Unfortunately, that fantastic start will not come in this game against the Bengals' stingy D.
Bengals 16-9
Sunday Afternoon
Chicago @ Denver
Three weeks ago, when the Bears started their stretch of consecutive games against the entire AFC West, they couldn't have imagined it turning out like this. It must be reaffirming though for the Bears front office to see that they had Caleb Hanie as the back-up quarterback for a reason, their evaluation of talent, and lack there of, is spot on. As if things weren't going bad enough for Chicago they now have to face ^$%&* (at this point it would be disrespectful to type the man's name as if he were one of us). This game can best be described as an irresistible force meeting a very movable object.
Broncos 21-15
San Francisco @ Arizona
Upset #3!!! It's time for us all to take a long look in the mirror and be honest with ourselves. Let's face it, these Cardinals are getting good! They've won 4 out of their last 5 with their only loss coming against .... uh oh. Ok, so it was only a few weeks when the Niners dominated the Cards 23-7. So what's changed? Kevin fuckin' Kolb, that's what. He was absent from the first match-up, and I think his presence in this game will make a huge difference (fingers crossed that it's a positive difference).
Cardinals 16-13
Buffalo @ San Diego
Two teams from opposite ends of the map with the same record. That is not an interesting anecdote, and fittingly, this is not an interesting game. The Chargers are still technically in the AFC West race, but with you know who playing quarterback for Denver, they might as well just give up now. I'd tell them to say their prayers, but once again, when you take into consideration the Denver QB, there's not much hope that God would listen.
Chargers 26-23
Oakland @ Green Bay
When debating whether or not the Packers will go undefeated, a lot of analysts argue that it will be impossible for another team to outscore Green Bay, they then go on to explain other ways in which teams might have a shot. What they should have done instead was stop talking after they said it would be impossible for another team to outscore Green Bay; if that's true, then Green Bay will not lose, this is just a fact.
Packers 38-21
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Dallas
Why aren't we hearing more about how the NFC East sucks this year? The first place team is 7-5 and the combined record of the teams in the division is 21-27. If this were the NFC West the division would be cast aside by the national media, but instead we're talking about the East, so it's just as popular as ever. But not here! In fact, I care so little about this division that I barely even pay attention when these teams are playing. You might say that I'm neglecting my duties as a bona fide pick-meister, but the truth is that I don't really need to watch. When it comes to NFC East match-ups (and all other games) I just flip a coin and hope for the best.
Heads (whoops) Cowboys 27-23
Monday Night
St. Louis @ Seattle
Bum bum bum bum, Ba bum Ba bum! Get ready America! Just when I thought the national media didn't care about the NFC West they give us a chance to showcase this gem. Speaking of gems, well not gems, but gyms, The Rams may be starting Tyler Grandstander, well not Grandstander, but Brandstater (I have to check on the Tyler part too). A third stringer trying to succeed in the CLink? Do your research pal. Apparently Sam Bradford is "hoping" he can play, but it's clear that he also has a concussion in addition to his ankle problem, because if he was thinking clearly he wouldn't want any part of this shit.
Seahawks 24-0
12.07.2011
Week 14 - Thursday
Cleveland @ Pittsburgh
On paper this appears to be a mismatch. Unluckily for us games are not played on paper so we'll actually have to watch the Browns play the Steelers. You're probably thinking, "But Erik, you don't have to watch every game." Nice try, but if I slacked off even for a minute I wouldn't be able to consider myself the preeminent football blogger in the nation. As for this game, I didn't have a lot of time to think about it, so I'll just go with the obvious pick.
Steelers 24-10
On paper this appears to be a mismatch. Unluckily for us games are not played on paper so we'll actually have to watch the Browns play the Steelers. You're probably thinking, "But Erik, you don't have to watch every game." Nice try, but if I slacked off even for a minute I wouldn't be able to consider myself the preeminent football blogger in the nation. As for this game, I didn't have a lot of time to think about it, so I'll just go with the obvious pick.
Steelers 24-10
12.06.2011
12.04.2011
Are you ready for some Seahawk-less football?
Enjoying a Seahawk free RedZone football Sunday. Stay tuned for hilarious updates and anecdotes.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
12.01.2011
NFL Picks Week 13
I went 14-2 last week, a nearly flawless performance. But as the old saying goes, nearly flawless only counts in diamonds and driving tests. So let's go for a perfect record this week, eh? And in case you didn't hear, I'm already 1-0
Sunday Morning
Indianapolis @ New England
Can you say cream job!? Seriously though, can you please start saying it? I'm trying to popularize that phrase, and it would help if my throngs of readers jumped on board. Thanks gang, you're the real heroes!
Patriots 45-7
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Last week, as if he were some sort of Kodiak bear, Chris Johnson finally emerged from his season long slumber to rack up over 175 yard rushing. And before you say anything, the Kodiak bear comparison is regarding the season long slumber, not the 175 yards rushing. That being said, are you going to try to tackle a Kodiak bear if he's carrying the ball at full speed? Me either, so who's to tell how many yards he could run for? I feel like I've gotten a bit side-tracked here. The Bills offense also came back to life last week, and in a battle of inconsistent teams I'll give the advantage to the home team.
Bills 24-21
Kansas City @ Chicago
In his season debut Caleb Hanie had an awful start, an ok middle, and an ultimately disappointing ending. With that in mind I will hereby be referring to him as the Star Wars prequels (Oh snap! Suck it Lucas! Just kidding though, Episode II wasn't even ok, so that analogy doesn't work. Oh shit! I just nailed your ass again Lucas! Do something, I dare ya! C'mon old man!) Meanwhile, against the Steelers Tyler Palko had an awful start, awful middle, and an awful ending. With that in mind I will hereby be referring to him as Jake Delhomme from the 2006 NFC Championship Game. A long nickname I know, but I think it has a ring to it.
Bears 20-10
Atlanta @ Houston
Speaking of Delhomme! That's right, the Texans have signed Jake after a rash of injuries. Coincidentally enough, Matt Leinart had both an injury and a rash. While Delhomme isn't likely to start this week his mere presence should signal the end to players and fans alike. The opportunistic Falcons will be more than happy to swoop in and collect the win, those assholes.
Falcons 21-13
Oakland @ Miami
The Dolphins narrowly missed winning their fourth game in a row on Thanksgiving. To what does Tony Sparano attribute the turn-around? During the broadcast of last week's game Phil Simms explained that Sparano decided to change up all of his normal routines and do the exact opposite in preparation for each week's game. If everything he was doing before was failing, then surely the opposite should be successful. If this theory sounds familiar it's because George Costanza did the same exact thing on an episode of Seinfeld. The real irony is that, much like George, in a few months Sparano will be able to walk up to a woman in a coffee shop and confess that he is unemployed and lives with his parents.
Dolphins 23-20
Denver @ Minnesota
It's become tiresome to talk about how Tim Tebow just gets the job done. It's also become nearly as hackneyed to point to the improved defense as the real key to the Broncos' success. So instead, let's focus on the Vikings. Uhh, Ponder, he's ummm, and Jared Allen ... How about Tebow!? That fucker is ridiculous!
Broncos 20-16
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
The Bengals have become one of the more predictable teams in the league. They're good enough to beat bad teams, but they can't quite get over the top against quality squads (the only anomaly, of course, being their win over the Seahawks). The Steelers, like many of the viewers, seemed bored during last Sunday night's win over the Chiefs. This divisional match-up should be enough to inspire Pittsburgh to play with some energy, and if it isn't then surely Roethlisberger's pregame cocaine party will jazz everyone up.
Steelers 27-20
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
It's been a while since I've brought up Stingers, but just the very sight of this match-up aroused my Stinger senses. The fact that this game is being played in Tampa is enough to ensure that it won't be sold out, but when you throw in the fact that the 3-8 Panthers are coming to town and that the Bucs have lost five in a row to fall to 4-7, well there will probably be less people in attendance than there were at Spinal Tap's amusement park concert.
Panthers 30-27
New York Jets @ Washington
In my Week 8 picks I predicted that the Redskins, losers of two in a row at the time, would go on to lose nine of ten. Little did I know that their one win in that span would be against the Seahawks. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I had predicted that they'd lose ten in a row. What sort of power do I wield here? Clearly a shitload, and we'll see that verified when Washington loses their next three to make the prophecy come true.
Jets 19-16
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week: Peyton Hillis does something productive. Ok, that might be too wacky. How about: Colt McCoy does something productive. Yeah, that's the appropriate amount of wacky. Obviously the Ravens will perform poorly because they're playing a bad opponent, but they should still be able to get the win.
Ravens 16-10
Green Bay @ New York Giants
Enough is enough, it has to be said: Aaron Rodgers has the worst celebration in the league. No, I'm not talking about the "title belt" which he saves for after long runs, I'm referring to his jumping fist-pump that he does after every touchdown pass (seen here at the :50 mark). It's painfully lame and totally contrived. And yes, those exact words have been used to describe these posts, but I don't have kids looking up to me as a celebration role model, it's not my responsibility to be a bad-ass. Anyway, it's clear that Rodgers likes doing it for some reason, meaning he'll probably throw a few touchdowns this week just so that he can do the jump and pump (ok, now that I put that name together I kind of like it).
Packers 35-24
Dallas @ Arizona
The Cowboys have lost the last two times they've traveled to Arizona, which makes historical sense, because these guys lived there, and they didn't take kindly to cowboys. The Cardinals have won three of their last four, but in all fairness two of those wins came over the Rams, so they've won one of their last two over normal NFL teams. On the flip side, Dallas has won four straight games, all over teams from outside of St. Louis, meaning they get the nod in this one.
Cowboys 30-24
St. Louis @ San Francisco
There may not be a more pathetic unit in the NFL (now that Brett Favre is out of the league) than the Rams offense. The fact that they managed to put up 20 against Arizona last week qualifies as a minor miracle. Hold it, upon further review of the box score (no video evidence of the game exists) one of their touchdowns came on a punt return, so they actually only put up 13; that seems more like it. This week doesn't look to be shaping up any better for St. Louis, losers.
49ers 21-3
Sunday Night
Detroit @ New Orleans
In response to whether or not he meant to stomp on an opposing player last week, Ndamukong Suh said that, "God knows the truth." If I ever get to Heaven now I know what my first question will be. Seriously though, I get that you're a man of faith, but how about you just be honest and tell us that you meant to do it. I have confidence that Suh can rebuild a good reputation, however, I mean just look at how highly regarded Albert Haynesworth is, and he stomped on a guy's face. With or without Suh this week against the Saints will probably look a lot like the Detroit's last game , which means they'll be over-matched by a better team.
Saints 31-17
Monday Night
San Diego @ Jacksonville
Does ESPN get the last pick of every week when choosing Monday Night Football games? I understand that they're scheduled before the season, but there has to be a way to come up with something better than this. The combined records of the four teams playing in the next two MNF games is 15-30 (but we all know that when the Rams and Seahawks get together you throw out the records ... and pick the Seahawks). The Jags will be playing their first game since being out from under the oppressive rule of Jacky Boy Del Rio, which is the perfect recipe for the Chargers to snap their own six game losing streak. After this game they'll be begging for Jacky Boy.
Chargers 17-10
Sunday Morning
Indianapolis @ New England
Can you say cream job!? Seriously though, can you please start saying it? I'm trying to popularize that phrase, and it would help if my throngs of readers jumped on board. Thanks gang, you're the real heroes!
Patriots 45-7
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Last week, as if he were some sort of Kodiak bear, Chris Johnson finally emerged from his season long slumber to rack up over 175 yard rushing. And before you say anything, the Kodiak bear comparison is regarding the season long slumber, not the 175 yards rushing. That being said, are you going to try to tackle a Kodiak bear if he's carrying the ball at full speed? Me either, so who's to tell how many yards he could run for? I feel like I've gotten a bit side-tracked here. The Bills offense also came back to life last week, and in a battle of inconsistent teams I'll give the advantage to the home team.
Bills 24-21
Kansas City @ Chicago
In his season debut Caleb Hanie had an awful start, an ok middle, and an ultimately disappointing ending. With that in mind I will hereby be referring to him as the Star Wars prequels (Oh snap! Suck it Lucas! Just kidding though, Episode II wasn't even ok, so that analogy doesn't work. Oh shit! I just nailed your ass again Lucas! Do something, I dare ya! C'mon old man!) Meanwhile, against the Steelers Tyler Palko had an awful start, awful middle, and an awful ending. With that in mind I will hereby be referring to him as Jake Delhomme from the 2006 NFC Championship Game. A long nickname I know, but I think it has a ring to it.
Bears 20-10
Atlanta @ Houston
Speaking of Delhomme! That's right, the Texans have signed Jake after a rash of injuries. Coincidentally enough, Matt Leinart had both an injury and a rash. While Delhomme isn't likely to start this week his mere presence should signal the end to players and fans alike. The opportunistic Falcons will be more than happy to swoop in and collect the win, those assholes.
Falcons 21-13
Oakland @ Miami
The Dolphins narrowly missed winning their fourth game in a row on Thanksgiving. To what does Tony Sparano attribute the turn-around? During the broadcast of last week's game Phil Simms explained that Sparano decided to change up all of his normal routines and do the exact opposite in preparation for each week's game. If everything he was doing before was failing, then surely the opposite should be successful. If this theory sounds familiar it's because George Costanza did the same exact thing on an episode of Seinfeld. The real irony is that, much like George, in a few months Sparano will be able to walk up to a woman in a coffee shop and confess that he is unemployed and lives with his parents.
Dolphins 23-20
Denver @ Minnesota
It's become tiresome to talk about how Tim Tebow just gets the job done. It's also become nearly as hackneyed to point to the improved defense as the real key to the Broncos' success. So instead, let's focus on the Vikings. Uhh, Ponder, he's ummm, and Jared Allen ... How about Tebow!? That fucker is ridiculous!
Broncos 20-16
Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh
The Bengals have become one of the more predictable teams in the league. They're good enough to beat bad teams, but they can't quite get over the top against quality squads (the only anomaly, of course, being their win over the Seahawks). The Steelers, like many of the viewers, seemed bored during last Sunday night's win over the Chiefs. This divisional match-up should be enough to inspire Pittsburgh to play with some energy, and if it isn't then surely Roethlisberger's pregame cocaine party will jazz everyone up.
Steelers 27-20
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
It's been a while since I've brought up Stingers, but just the very sight of this match-up aroused my Stinger senses. The fact that this game is being played in Tampa is enough to ensure that it won't be sold out, but when you throw in the fact that the 3-8 Panthers are coming to town and that the Bucs have lost five in a row to fall to 4-7, well there will probably be less people in attendance than there were at Spinal Tap's amusement park concert.
Panthers 30-27
New York Jets @ Washington
In my Week 8 picks I predicted that the Redskins, losers of two in a row at the time, would go on to lose nine of ten. Little did I know that their one win in that span would be against the Seahawks. It makes me wonder what would have happened if I had predicted that they'd lose ten in a row. What sort of power do I wield here? Clearly a shitload, and we'll see that verified when Washington loses their next three to make the prophecy come true.
Jets 19-16
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ Cleveland
My Wacky Pick of the Week: Peyton Hillis does something productive. Ok, that might be too wacky. How about: Colt McCoy does something productive. Yeah, that's the appropriate amount of wacky. Obviously the Ravens will perform poorly because they're playing a bad opponent, but they should still be able to get the win.
Ravens 16-10
Green Bay @ New York Giants
Enough is enough, it has to be said: Aaron Rodgers has the worst celebration in the league. No, I'm not talking about the "title belt" which he saves for after long runs, I'm referring to his jumping fist-pump that he does after every touchdown pass (seen here at the :50 mark). It's painfully lame and totally contrived. And yes, those exact words have been used to describe these posts, but I don't have kids looking up to me as a celebration role model, it's not my responsibility to be a bad-ass. Anyway, it's clear that Rodgers likes doing it for some reason, meaning he'll probably throw a few touchdowns this week just so that he can do the jump and pump (ok, now that I put that name together I kind of like it).
Packers 35-24
Dallas @ Arizona
The Cowboys have lost the last two times they've traveled to Arizona, which makes historical sense, because these guys lived there, and they didn't take kindly to cowboys. The Cardinals have won three of their last four, but in all fairness two of those wins came over the Rams, so they've won one of their last two over normal NFL teams. On the flip side, Dallas has won four straight games, all over teams from outside of St. Louis, meaning they get the nod in this one.
Cowboys 30-24
St. Louis @ San Francisco
There may not be a more pathetic unit in the NFL (now that Brett Favre is out of the league) than the Rams offense. The fact that they managed to put up 20 against Arizona last week qualifies as a minor miracle. Hold it, upon further review of the box score (no video evidence of the game exists) one of their touchdowns came on a punt return, so they actually only put up 13; that seems more like it. This week doesn't look to be shaping up any better for St. Louis, losers.
49ers 21-3
Sunday Night
Detroit @ New Orleans
In response to whether or not he meant to stomp on an opposing player last week, Ndamukong Suh said that, "God knows the truth." If I ever get to Heaven now I know what my first question will be. Seriously though, I get that you're a man of faith, but how about you just be honest and tell us that you meant to do it. I have confidence that Suh can rebuild a good reputation, however, I mean just look at how highly regarded Albert Haynesworth is, and he stomped on a guy's face. With or without Suh this week against the Saints will probably look a lot like the Detroit's last game , which means they'll be over-matched by a better team.
Saints 31-17
Monday Night
San Diego @ Jacksonville
Does ESPN get the last pick of every week when choosing Monday Night Football games? I understand that they're scheduled before the season, but there has to be a way to come up with something better than this. The combined records of the four teams playing in the next two MNF games is 15-30 (but we all know that when the Rams and Seahawks get together you throw out the records ... and pick the Seahawks). The Jags will be playing their first game since being out from under the oppressive rule of Jacky Boy Del Rio, which is the perfect recipe for the Chargers to snap their own six game losing streak. After this game they'll be begging for Jacky Boy.
Chargers 17-10
11.30.2011
Week 13 - Thursday
Philadelphia @ Seattle
My biggest complaint with Taravaris Jackson's play so far this season would have to be that he appears completely lost trying to run a 2 minute drill. I can't stand to watch it, and apparently he feels the same seeing as how he promptly threw an interception at the end of last week's game, creating more of a 20 second drill. Now he's coming off a short week and tasked with facing two of the best cover corners in the league (I'm basing that statement purely on salary size, as all things should be based). It would appear to be a grim proposition for the Hawks, but if the defense can keep the Eagles out of the end zone, something they've done well lately with the exception of the 4th quarter last week, the game is all but over. Why? Because Red Bryant will simply block any and all field goals. Case closed.
Seahawks 16-12
My biggest complaint with Taravaris Jackson's play so far this season would have to be that he appears completely lost trying to run a 2 minute drill. I can't stand to watch it, and apparently he feels the same seeing as how he promptly threw an interception at the end of last week's game, creating more of a 20 second drill. Now he's coming off a short week and tasked with facing two of the best cover corners in the league (I'm basing that statement purely on salary size, as all things should be based). It would appear to be a grim proposition for the Hawks, but if the defense can keep the Eagles out of the end zone, something they've done well lately with the exception of the 4th quarter last week, the game is all but over. Why? Because Red Bryant will simply block any and all field goals. Case closed.
Seahawks 16-12
11.24.2011
NFL Picks Week 12
Sunday Morning
Houston @ Jacksonville
Hey Texans fans, it's Leinart time! The preceding sentence has been tweeted every hour on the hour by Matt Leinart since word broke out that Matt Schaub was out for the year. While his confidence is admirable it remains to be seen just how successful Leinart can be. Luckily for him his first contest is against the Jaguars who just lost to Colt McCoy.
Texans 27-13
Buffalo @ New York Jets
It's become clear now that the Bills' season is doomed. Where once was promise now lies only a hollow reminder of squandered opportunities and childlike whimsy. In other words they're fucked. Fred Jackson's season-ending injury looks like the final nail in the coffin for a Buffalo team that is in the midst of a three game losing streak in which the offense has managed only 26 points combined. The Jets haven't looked much better lately, but as long as they don't accidentally throw touchdowns to the other team (easier said than done, eh Sanch?) they should get the win.
Jets 20-10
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
The fact that the Browns are 4-6 is somewhat mystifying because every time I pay attention to one of their games (not often) they seem like the worst team in the league. Granted, when I wrote that last sentence I momentarily forgot that the Colts existed, but I still contend that Cleveland is much worse than their record indicates. The Bengals have lost two in a row, to Pittsburgh and Baltimore respectively, but they put up a good fight in both and proved that they can hang with anyone. They're a lot like Ferris Bueller in that way.
Bengals 19-6
Minnesota @ Atlanta
It appears that the Vikings may be without former Heisman Trophy runner-up Adrian Peterson, luckily for them they can replace him with former Heisman Trophy runner-up Toby Gerhart. Clearly these two are of equal skill level and capability based on their Heisman history, so don't expect much of a drop off. However, even with Peterson Minnesota was struggling, so this should be a good opportunity for Atlanta to get to 7-4.
Falcons 27-10
Arizona @ St. Louis
Word on the street is that the Rams have petitioned the NFL to play the remainder of their games in an abandoned warehouse. Their reasoning being that the ambiance would be more or less the same, and this way they don't have to shame themselves in front of "thousands" of people.
Cardinals 28-17
Carolina @ Indianapolis
This is Indy's chance to prove just how much they want the #1 pick in the draft, and prove it they will. The Colts will roll over and die like they're at a glue factory, and Cam Newton will relish every second of it, because he loves killing horses.
Panthers 31-14
Tampa Bay @ Tennessee
Wasn't it fitting that last week Jake Locker threw his first two NFL touchdown passes to Nate Washington? It's reminiscent of Josh Freeman's debut when he threw his first touchdown to Andre Kansas State. Unfortunately for Freeman, he hasn't been throwing many TDs this season (perhaps resigning Andre Kansas State would help), however, the offense showed some signs of life last week in Green Bay. They were only trying to keep up with Aaron Rodgers though, this week they face a returning Matthew Hasselbeck which will prove to be a much tougher task.
Titans 21-19
Sunday Afternoon
Chicago @ Oakland
It looks like Jay Cutler got so nervous about the playoffs this year that he went ahead and faked an injury before his team even had a chance to get there; a savvy move by the veteran. That being said, the Bears are riding a five game winning streak and they still have their most talented offensive player in Matt Forte. On the other side, it appears that the Raiders will be without Darren McFadden again, but they've been able to win their last two without DMC, and Carson Palmer is actually playing competent football (and very competent dominoes according to locker room reports). Because this will be Caleb Haney's first start I'll go with the Raiders (and yes, I now realize that I could have just typed that one sentence and been done with it, but that's not really how this works).
Raiders 24-20
Washington @ Seattle
Don't look now, but the Hawks have won back to back games. Seriously, don't look though, Tarvaris is very self-conscious and he gets embarrassed if he knows people are watching, like a dog pooping. It's never a great sign when you're comparing your starting QB to a pooping dog, but in actuality T-Jack has been serviceable as of late. Sure he threw a couple of early picks last week, but that was just vintage Hasselbeck sandbagging. With the Hawks on their longest winning streak of the year and the Redskins coming to town having lost six in a row, I'd say Seattle is the obvious pick. What could possibly go wrong?
Seahawks 23-13
Denver @ San Diego
It's becoming more and more futile to resist the magnetism of Tim Tebow. I didn't pick the Broncos last week, and I've learned my lesson: no matter how stupid it may seem, or how little sense it makes, bet on Tim Tebow. Of course, Tebow himself would not agree with that theory because betting on anything would be morally ambiguous, but that's no problem for me, back in college my nickname was Erik "Morally Ambiguous" Andersen. Was it the most clever nickname? No. In fact, it was voted worst nickname on campus by multiple publications, but that's not the point.
Broncos 24-21
New England @ Philadelphia
Houston @ Jacksonville
Hey Texans fans, it's Leinart time! The preceding sentence has been tweeted every hour on the hour by Matt Leinart since word broke out that Matt Schaub was out for the year. While his confidence is admirable it remains to be seen just how successful Leinart can be. Luckily for him his first contest is against the Jaguars who just lost to Colt McCoy.
Texans 27-13
Buffalo @ New York Jets
It's become clear now that the Bills' season is doomed. Where once was promise now lies only a hollow reminder of squandered opportunities and childlike whimsy. In other words they're fucked. Fred Jackson's season-ending injury looks like the final nail in the coffin for a Buffalo team that is in the midst of a three game losing streak in which the offense has managed only 26 points combined. The Jets haven't looked much better lately, but as long as they don't accidentally throw touchdowns to the other team (easier said than done, eh Sanch?) they should get the win.
Jets 20-10
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
The fact that the Browns are 4-6 is somewhat mystifying because every time I pay attention to one of their games (not often) they seem like the worst team in the league. Granted, when I wrote that last sentence I momentarily forgot that the Colts existed, but I still contend that Cleveland is much worse than their record indicates. The Bengals have lost two in a row, to Pittsburgh and Baltimore respectively, but they put up a good fight in both and proved that they can hang with anyone. They're a lot like Ferris Bueller in that way.
Bengals 19-6
Minnesota @ Atlanta
It appears that the Vikings may be without former Heisman Trophy runner-up Adrian Peterson, luckily for them they can replace him with former Heisman Trophy runner-up Toby Gerhart. Clearly these two are of equal skill level and capability based on their Heisman history, so don't expect much of a drop off. However, even with Peterson Minnesota was struggling, so this should be a good opportunity for Atlanta to get to 7-4.
Falcons 27-10
Arizona @ St. Louis
Word on the street is that the Rams have petitioned the NFL to play the remainder of their games in an abandoned warehouse. Their reasoning being that the ambiance would be more or less the same, and this way they don't have to shame themselves in front of "thousands" of people.
Cardinals 28-17
Carolina @ Indianapolis
This is Indy's chance to prove just how much they want the #1 pick in the draft, and prove it they will. The Colts will roll over and die like they're at a glue factory, and Cam Newton will relish every second of it, because he loves killing horses.
Panthers 31-14
Tampa Bay @ Tennessee
Wasn't it fitting that last week Jake Locker threw his first two NFL touchdown passes to Nate Washington? It's reminiscent of Josh Freeman's debut when he threw his first touchdown to Andre Kansas State. Unfortunately for Freeman, he hasn't been throwing many TDs this season (perhaps resigning Andre Kansas State would help), however, the offense showed some signs of life last week in Green Bay. They were only trying to keep up with Aaron Rodgers though, this week they face a returning Matthew Hasselbeck which will prove to be a much tougher task.
Titans 21-19
Sunday Afternoon
Chicago @ Oakland
It looks like Jay Cutler got so nervous about the playoffs this year that he went ahead and faked an injury before his team even had a chance to get there; a savvy move by the veteran. That being said, the Bears are riding a five game winning streak and they still have their most talented offensive player in Matt Forte. On the other side, it appears that the Raiders will be without Darren McFadden again, but they've been able to win their last two without DMC, and Carson Palmer is actually playing competent football (and very competent dominoes according to locker room reports). Because this will be Caleb Haney's first start I'll go with the Raiders (and yes, I now realize that I could have just typed that one sentence and been done with it, but that's not really how this works).
Raiders 24-20
Washington @ Seattle
Don't look now, but the Hawks have won back to back games. Seriously, don't look though, Tarvaris is very self-conscious and he gets embarrassed if he knows people are watching, like a dog pooping. It's never a great sign when you're comparing your starting QB to a pooping dog, but in actuality T-Jack has been serviceable as of late. Sure he threw a couple of early picks last week, but that was just vintage Hasselbeck sandbagging. With the Hawks on their longest winning streak of the year and the Redskins coming to town having lost six in a row, I'd say Seattle is the obvious pick. What could possibly go wrong?
Seahawks 23-13
Denver @ San Diego
It's becoming more and more futile to resist the magnetism of Tim Tebow. I didn't pick the Broncos last week, and I've learned my lesson: no matter how stupid it may seem, or how little sense it makes, bet on Tim Tebow. Of course, Tebow himself would not agree with that theory because betting on anything would be morally ambiguous, but that's no problem for me, back in college my nickname was Erik "Morally Ambiguous" Andersen. Was it the most clever nickname? No. In fact, it was voted worst nickname on campus by multiple publications, but that's not the point.
Broncos 24-21
New England @ Philadelphia
Remember when everyone gave Vince Young crap for making the "Dream Team" comment because he was just a back-up quarterback? Well look what happened when he got a chance to start, he led the Eagles to a road win against the division leading Giants. Maybe what it boils down to is that VY is the only real dreamer this dream team has. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that VY gets another start in this game and convinces Andy Reid to try a play that came to him in a dream. Disappointingly, the Eagles will be penalized before the play even has a chance to get started because horses are not allowed on the field ... it was a really weird dream.
Patriots 35-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Kansas City
Hey Chiefs fans, it's Orton time! The preceding sentence has been tweeted by Matt Leinart at the bottom of every hour ever since news broke that Kansas City claimed former Broncos quarterback Kyle Orton off of waivers. While it's not likely that Orton will be any worse than Tyler Palko, it's equally unlikely that he'll be any better than Kyle Orton, and therein lies the problem.
Steelers 31-6
Monday Night
New York Giants @ New Orleans
It seems quite clear now that the Giants are not a top-notch team. They've lost their last two and based on their schedule they could easily drop the next three. With all of this adding up it becomes obvious that the Giants are going to win in New Orleans. This team is as unpredictable as an Eli Manning pass fluttering into triple coverage, so I've learned to ignore my instincts and pick the opposite when it comes to New York.
Giants 28-25
11.23.2011
NFL Picks - Thanksgiving
Green Bay @ Detroit
After the people of Detroit created a much publicized petition to stop them from playing at halftime, I'd really enjoy it if Nickelback came to the stage wearing Packers jerseys. They're just the type of badass mother effers that could do something like that. Apparently the Lions fans didn't understand the irony of having a band named Nickelback perform at a game in which the Lions will have to use three DBs on a majority of downs against Aaron Rodgers and the pass-happy Packers. Well I did, and I think the NFL made the perfect choice. Of course, I've also said time and again that "Photograph" is the greatest song of the last ten years. Unfortunately, Nickelback most likely won't have an impact on the game itself, so perhaps I should focus a little more closely on the players. The Lions should be ready to go for this one, but the Packers have Aaron Rodgers and so far this season teams with Aaron Rodgers have won all their games.
Packers 35-30
Miami @ Dallas
These teams come into this game hotter than a turkey fresh out of the oven. If you know anything about poultry preparation you know that means that these teams have an internal temperature of over 165 degrees. The Dolphins' defense has been dominant over the last three weeks, allowing a total of 20 points. Meanwhile, the Cowboys snuck away with an OT victory over Washington and are now tied atop the NFC East with New York. I'd love to go with the upset here, but I think Miami's lockdown D has also had a lot to do with their recent opponents, who have willfully allowed themselves to be beaten down, which would make the Dolphins a dominatrix of sorts. The Cowboys will not put the ball-gag in their mouths so easily.
Cowboys 20-16
San Francisco @ Baltimore
Fun fact: the coaches of these teams are brothers. The 49ers D has received its fair share of ballyhooing as of late, and the Ravens' defense is as ballyhooed as they come, but in their last four games they've given up at least 20 points each time. So who will be most ballyhooed after Thursday night? It will probably come down to which offense can actually get into the end zone, and between these two I think Baltimore has the better chance.
Ravens 13-9
After the people of Detroit created a much publicized petition to stop them from playing at halftime, I'd really enjoy it if Nickelback came to the stage wearing Packers jerseys. They're just the type of badass mother effers that could do something like that. Apparently the Lions fans didn't understand the irony of having a band named Nickelback perform at a game in which the Lions will have to use three DBs on a majority of downs against Aaron Rodgers and the pass-happy Packers. Well I did, and I think the NFL made the perfect choice. Of course, I've also said time and again that "Photograph" is the greatest song of the last ten years. Unfortunately, Nickelback most likely won't have an impact on the game itself, so perhaps I should focus a little more closely on the players. The Lions should be ready to go for this one, but the Packers have Aaron Rodgers and so far this season teams with Aaron Rodgers have won all their games.
Packers 35-30
Miami @ Dallas
These teams come into this game hotter than a turkey fresh out of the oven. If you know anything about poultry preparation you know that means that these teams have an internal temperature of over 165 degrees. The Dolphins' defense has been dominant over the last three weeks, allowing a total of 20 points. Meanwhile, the Cowboys snuck away with an OT victory over Washington and are now tied atop the NFC East with New York. I'd love to go with the upset here, but I think Miami's lockdown D has also had a lot to do with their recent opponents, who have willfully allowed themselves to be beaten down, which would make the Dolphins a dominatrix of sorts. The Cowboys will not put the ball-gag in their mouths so easily.
Cowboys 20-16
San Francisco @ Baltimore
Fun fact: the coaches of these teams are brothers. The 49ers D has received its fair share of ballyhooing as of late, and the Ravens' defense is as ballyhooed as they come, but in their last four games they've given up at least 20 points each time. So who will be most ballyhooed after Thursday night? It will probably come down to which offense can actually get into the end zone, and between these two I think Baltimore has the better chance.
Ravens 13-9
11.17.2011
NFL Picks Week 11 (Cont.)
In case you haven't been diligently keeping track of my picks' success on a weekly basis (mystifying as to why you wouldn't be) I should let you know that I've struggled as of late. I'm 15-15 over the last two weeks, so something has to change. This week I decided to look for developing trends and follow them. As most of you know, I'm something of a trend setter, so this was very difficult for me. So difficult, in fact, that at times even though I recognized a trend my pick went in the complete opposite direction. See for yourself:
Sunday Morning
Tampa Bay @ Green Bay
The Bucs have been a mess lately, losing 4 of 5, with the only win inexplicably coming over New Orleans. Does this mean that Tampa is capable of another inexplicable win over the Packers this week? No, odds are this one will be extremely explicable. I'd even go so far as to say explicable as hell. And there's nothing more explicable right now than the Packers in a cream job.
Packers 31-13
Carolina @ Detroit
The Lions have gained a reputation as the dirtiest team in the league, and I have to agree. But it's not their fault, the team showers have been broken for weeks, I blame the facilities manager (and there it is folks, the worst joke of the year ... so far; I'm sure I can top it by season's end). It's for certain that something's negatively affecting their play because they've fallen to 6-3 after starting 5-0. Odds are a tougher schedule is to blame, luckily for them they get a break this week against the reeling Panthers.
Lions 34-20
Jacksonville @ Cleveland
The Browns have only managed to score more than 17 points once this year, a 27 point effort against the Colts, which isn't very impressive considering Indy has given up, on average, 48 points a game. While that Colts stat isn't real it doesn't negate the fact that Cleveland can not score points. But guess what? Neither can the Jags! They too have only topped 17 once this year, and that was only 20, in a loss. So which offense will prove less inept this Sunday? Probably the one with the former Big 12 quarterback who's in way over his head ...
Jaguars 15-13
Oakland @ Minnesota
Somehow, after their two worst losses of the season the Raiders got a W and now find themselves alone atop the AFC West. Hopefully they don't get too comfortable though, because the whole division is breathing down their neck, or more appropriately wheezing on the back of their calves as they struggle to get back to their feet. Meanwhile, Minnesota is coming off a cream job loss, but I wouldn't put too much stock into that considering it was against the Packers. I think the Vikings will get a surprise win, but Oakland will maintain their lead in the West.
Vikings 24-20
Buffalo @ Miami
These two teams are heading in opposite directions. The Bills averaged just over 30 points in their first seven games, but in the last two they've averaged only 9. On the flip side, the Dolphins' offense has come alive, relatively, and led them right out of the race for Andrew Luck. As a result, Miami might as well try to win out, and if they haven't adopted the slogan "Phinish Strong" by now then I just don't know what hell is going on in that locker room.
Dolphins 20-17
Dallas @ Washington
Washington has lost 5 games in a row. In their last three they have only put up a combined 20 points. More bad news for the Redskins, (a headline that was frequently seen in newspapers throughout the 19th century) the Cowboys are coming to town and playing at their best. And while it's clear that DeMarco Murray is on steroids, he probably won't get busted until after the season is done, which means he'll play this week and help Dallas get another win.
Cowboys 24-9
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Just when you think you've got all the answers in the AFC, Roddy Piper changes the question. Then you're left wondering what does Roddy Piper have to do with this? Is he somehow in control of the AFC playoff picture? Well the answer is yes, but I'll get to that later. The Ravens have been maddeningly inconsistent this season, but because this is a game that they'll actually care about they should get the win.
Ravens 20-16
Sunday Afternoon
Arizona @ San Francisco
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that John Skelton's helmet will be jarred loose at some point during this game revealing a skull instead of a head, proving that he is, in fact, a skeleton masquerading as a human. Despite the very unimaginative name choice, everybody will agree that he's done a magnificent job assimilating into human culture and that he's probably the best skeleton quarterback of all time. That being said, Arizona will lose.
49ers 26-13
Seattle @ St. Louis
At the very least, the last two games have shown that the Hawks have an actual strategy on offense: Engage Beast Mode; let Tarvaris manage the game; and don't score touchdowns, they're for wimps that don't want to compete in a close game for 60 minutes. Obviously the Hawks exceeded expectations last week in their 22-17 win over Baltimore, (I only had them winning by 3) so a setback against the Rams would be especially aggravating. Is it possible? Of course not! 10-6 can still make the playoffs, Phinish Strong!
Seahawks 21-16 (that's 7 field goals for the Hawks)
Tennessee @ Atlanta
Both teams come in at 5-4, and in need of a win. Though, if they had both come into the season with the mindset that they need to win every game they might be doing a little better right now. Falcons' coach Mike Smith has received a lot of unfair criticism just because last week he made a foolish decision that directly cost his team the game. I'm guessing he'll play things a little closer to the vest this time around and the Falcons will get the home win.
Falcons 28-20
San Diego @ Chicago
The Chargers have lost four in a row, but they hope things will get better for them with a trip to Chicago. What they don't understand is that you can't just go running off to Chicago every time things get rough. Sure it's a wonderful city, and everybody should see it at least once, but if they want to get back to winning football games sooner or later they're just going to have to face their problems head on. Not the least of these problems is the fact that Phil Rivers has been spending all of his time at the Real World house moonlighting as a lesbian named Sam. Also, the Bears have been playing well, so San Diego will most likely lose again.
Bears 29-24
Sunday Night
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
The Eagles have played so many night games this season that they've basically had their own primetime show, which makes it hard to believe that they haven't been cancelled yet. After luring everyone into thinking they were turning their season around Philly has dropped two straight, including a loss to the Cardinals that no one, and I mean no one, could have seen coming. New York should get the win, but then again it's an Eagles game so who the hell knows what's going to happen.
Giants 31-23
Monday Night
Kansas City @ New England
The Chiefs have taken a nose dive the past couple of weeks, losing to teams with Matt Moore and Tim Tebow at the helm. This week they face slightly stiffer competition in the form of Tom Brady (ladies, you know what I'm saying right? Oh wait, no women read this. Uh oh, now I seem really gay, I better flip this by the end of the post). It's plain to see that the Pats will win this game, almost as plain to see as a naked woman in my apartment, with her boobs out and what not ... (phew, that was close).
Patriots 35-14
Sunday Morning
Tampa Bay @ Green Bay
The Bucs have been a mess lately, losing 4 of 5, with the only win inexplicably coming over New Orleans. Does this mean that Tampa is capable of another inexplicable win over the Packers this week? No, odds are this one will be extremely explicable. I'd even go so far as to say explicable as hell. And there's nothing more explicable right now than the Packers in a cream job.
Packers 31-13
Carolina @ Detroit
The Lions have gained a reputation as the dirtiest team in the league, and I have to agree. But it's not their fault, the team showers have been broken for weeks, I blame the facilities manager (and there it is folks, the worst joke of the year ... so far; I'm sure I can top it by season's end). It's for certain that something's negatively affecting their play because they've fallen to 6-3 after starting 5-0. Odds are a tougher schedule is to blame, luckily for them they get a break this week against the reeling Panthers.
Lions 34-20
Jacksonville @ Cleveland
The Browns have only managed to score more than 17 points once this year, a 27 point effort against the Colts, which isn't very impressive considering Indy has given up, on average, 48 points a game. While that Colts stat isn't real it doesn't negate the fact that Cleveland can not score points. But guess what? Neither can the Jags! They too have only topped 17 once this year, and that was only 20, in a loss. So which offense will prove less inept this Sunday? Probably the one with the former Big 12 quarterback who's in way over his head ...
Jaguars 15-13
Oakland @ Minnesota
Somehow, after their two worst losses of the season the Raiders got a W and now find themselves alone atop the AFC West. Hopefully they don't get too comfortable though, because the whole division is breathing down their neck, or more appropriately wheezing on the back of their calves as they struggle to get back to their feet. Meanwhile, Minnesota is coming off a cream job loss, but I wouldn't put too much stock into that considering it was against the Packers. I think the Vikings will get a surprise win, but Oakland will maintain their lead in the West.
Vikings 24-20
Buffalo @ Miami
These two teams are heading in opposite directions. The Bills averaged just over 30 points in their first seven games, but in the last two they've averaged only 9. On the flip side, the Dolphins' offense has come alive, relatively, and led them right out of the race for Andrew Luck. As a result, Miami might as well try to win out, and if they haven't adopted the slogan "Phinish Strong" by now then I just don't know what hell is going on in that locker room.
Dolphins 20-17
Dallas @ Washington
Washington has lost 5 games in a row. In their last three they have only put up a combined 20 points. More bad news for the Redskins, (a headline that was frequently seen in newspapers throughout the 19th century) the Cowboys are coming to town and playing at their best. And while it's clear that DeMarco Murray is on steroids, he probably won't get busted until after the season is done, which means he'll play this week and help Dallas get another win.
Cowboys 24-9
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Just when you think you've got all the answers in the AFC, Roddy Piper changes the question. Then you're left wondering what does Roddy Piper have to do with this? Is he somehow in control of the AFC playoff picture? Well the answer is yes, but I'll get to that later. The Ravens have been maddeningly inconsistent this season, but because this is a game that they'll actually care about they should get the win.
Ravens 20-16
Sunday Afternoon
Arizona @ San Francisco
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that John Skelton's helmet will be jarred loose at some point during this game revealing a skull instead of a head, proving that he is, in fact, a skeleton masquerading as a human. Despite the very unimaginative name choice, everybody will agree that he's done a magnificent job assimilating into human culture and that he's probably the best skeleton quarterback of all time. That being said, Arizona will lose.
49ers 26-13
Seattle @ St. Louis
At the very least, the last two games have shown that the Hawks have an actual strategy on offense: Engage Beast Mode; let Tarvaris manage the game; and don't score touchdowns, they're for wimps that don't want to compete in a close game for 60 minutes. Obviously the Hawks exceeded expectations last week in their 22-17 win over Baltimore, (I only had them winning by 3) so a setback against the Rams would be especially aggravating. Is it possible? Of course not! 10-6 can still make the playoffs, Phinish Strong!
Seahawks 21-16 (that's 7 field goals for the Hawks)
Tennessee @ Atlanta
Both teams come in at 5-4, and in need of a win. Though, if they had both come into the season with the mindset that they need to win every game they might be doing a little better right now. Falcons' coach Mike Smith has received a lot of unfair criticism just because last week he made a foolish decision that directly cost his team the game. I'm guessing he'll play things a little closer to the vest this time around and the Falcons will get the home win.
Falcons 28-20
San Diego @ Chicago
The Chargers have lost four in a row, but they hope things will get better for them with a trip to Chicago. What they don't understand is that you can't just go running off to Chicago every time things get rough. Sure it's a wonderful city, and everybody should see it at least once, but if they want to get back to winning football games sooner or later they're just going to have to face their problems head on. Not the least of these problems is the fact that Phil Rivers has been spending all of his time at the Real World house moonlighting as a lesbian named Sam. Also, the Bears have been playing well, so San Diego will most likely lose again.
Bears 29-24
Sunday Night
Philadelphia @ New York Giants
The Eagles have played so many night games this season that they've basically had their own primetime show, which makes it hard to believe that they haven't been cancelled yet. After luring everyone into thinking they were turning their season around Philly has dropped two straight, including a loss to the Cardinals that no one, and I mean no one, could have seen coming. New York should get the win, but then again it's an Eagles game so who the hell knows what's going to happen.
Giants 31-23
Monday Night
Kansas City @ New England
The Chiefs have taken a nose dive the past couple of weeks, losing to teams with Matt Moore and Tim Tebow at the helm. This week they face slightly stiffer competition in the form of Tom Brady (ladies, you know what I'm saying right? Oh wait, no women read this. Uh oh, now I seem really gay, I better flip this by the end of the post). It's plain to see that the Pats will win this game, almost as plain to see as a naked woman in my apartment, with her boobs out and what not ... (phew, that was close).
Patriots 35-14
11.16.2011
NFL Picks Week 11
Thursday Night
New York Jets @ Denver Broncos
This game has turned into something of a perfect storm. With the combination of the Jets pass defense and Tim Tebow at quarterback for the Broncos we could be looking at something truly catastrophic. Is it possible for a team to go a whole game without throwing a pass? We're about to find out! By the way, we'll find out that the answer is no. Tebow was born to throw, he's like the opposite of Bruce Springsteen (in so many ways, but this one in particular). If you need any further convincing that Teebs is a top-notch passer, just look at his rating from last week: 102.6! (And no, that's not a joke, he went 2-8 on the game and had a 102.6 passer rating) Even with all of this incontrovertible proof and the fact that the Jets D struggled last week I'm still going to have to take New York. I'm sorry Tim, prove me wrong.
Jets 24-7
New York Jets @ Denver Broncos
This game has turned into something of a perfect storm. With the combination of the Jets pass defense and Tim Tebow at quarterback for the Broncos we could be looking at something truly catastrophic. Is it possible for a team to go a whole game without throwing a pass? We're about to find out! By the way, we'll find out that the answer is no. Tebow was born to throw, he's like the opposite of Bruce Springsteen (in so many ways, but this one in particular). If you need any further convincing that Teebs is a top-notch passer, just look at his rating from last week: 102.6! (And no, that's not a joke, he went 2-8 on the game and had a 102.6 passer rating) Even with all of this incontrovertible proof and the fact that the Jets D struggled last week I'm still going to have to take New York. I'm sorry Tim, prove me wrong.
Jets 24-7
11.10.2011
NFL Picks Week 10
It's Week 10 and one of the more interesting sub-plots to me, and indeed the entire nation, is the Survivor Football league in which Finn and I are the only two remaining participants and there is absolutely no cash prize. The tension is palpable but we'll obviously have to wait until Sunday to find out who picked who.
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ Philadelphia
The Eagles are currently only one game better than the Cardinals, however the two teams feel much further apart. In fact, if my survival depended on one pick this week I'd have to go with Philly. Or, to put it another way, if I had to choose one game correctly otherwise I'd be forced to swim with toasters in some sort of suicide pool, I would most likely pick the Eagles (maybe I shouldn't have used those italics).
Eagles 27-17
Tennessee @ Carolina
Remember before the season when Chris Johnson got upset with all the "fake fans" that were just concerned about him playing this year for fantasy purposes? Is it possible that his awful play this season is just his way of getting back at them? I say it's the only feasible explanation. And I'm pissed! I was saddled with him for the first 9 weeks, but now I've unloaded him, so I'm no longer a "fake fan," I'm not even a fan at all. Worst of luck bud!
Panthers 30-14
Houston @ Tampa Bay
The Bucs have been much better at home this season and the Texans have been a bit shaky on the road outside of their 41-7 cream job on Tennessee a couple weeks ago. However, it seems like the Texans are gaining a lot momentum and confidence while Tampa is losing all of that.
Texans 24-10
Washington @ Miami
The Dolphins shocked the NFL with a 31-3 win in Kansas City last week. I'm sure it also shocked Matt Moore who, by this point, must have been sure that his team was trying their damnedest to replace him with the first pick in the draft. This week Miami will get another win to further eliminate themselves from the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes ... the Luckstakes? No that sucks, don't worry I'll come up with a better portmanteau word involving luck at some point today.
Dolphins 20-13
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
The last time these teams met a season ago they were battling for the lead in the division, now they're fighting it out in the basement as if they were Stu Hart. But you and I both know that neither of these teams are deceased wrestling legends, and if they are they've done quite the job disguising themselves. So what to make of this stinker (which is the same thing I say when I sculpt poo for money on the Venice boardwalk)? I think the Colts manage to get their first win. Why? Because I'm crrrraaaaaaaaaaaazy (see: poo sculpting).
Colts 23-20
Denver @ Kansas City
For a couple weeks now "Tebowing" has become all the rage, including players from other teams mocking Tebow by kneeling after sacking him. If players really wanted to mock Tebow they should grab the ball after they sack him, run around like a chicken with his head cut off and then throw the ball into the stands. There would probably be resulting penalties, but that's not the point; the point, as it always is in football, is to be hilarious.
Chiefs 28-16
Buffalo @ Dallas
With the absence of Miles Austin in this game the Cowboys have lost more smiles than Shawn Michaels circa '97. Will that be enough to get the Bills the win? I don't think so. As legendary former Dallas coach Tom Landry once said, "Smiles don't win football games." (don't bother looking that quote up, you won't be able to find it, just trust that I did)
Cowboys 27-24
New Orleans @ Atlanta
The winner of this game will take control of the NFC South ... for now. If there's one thing I've always said about the NFC South it's "Don't count out the Saints even if they fall to 6-4 and are a half game out of first going into their bye week." So, as you can see, even with a loss this week to the Falcons New Orleans still has a chance.
Falcons 31-27
St. Louis @ Cleveland
Rams vs. Browns. C'mon, that's kind of funny/dirty on it's own right?
Rams 12-11
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
The Bengals currently hold the #1 seed in the AFC. That's not a joke, I couldn't make up something that funny. But the honeymoon will soon be over as the second-half schedule brings four games against the Steelers and Ravens and another one against the Texans. There's still a chance they could make the playoffs, but a first round bye won't be in the cards. A wild card is more likely in the cards, I mean that's just common sense if you look at the words.
Steelers 17-13
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ Seattle
As I've said before, as the Flac-Man goes so go the Ravens, and he proved it last week by leading a game-winning last-second touchdown drive to beat Pittsburgh. Unfortunately for Flac he's making his first trip to Seattle this week, and as we all know, those don't go so well, just ask Andy Dalton. Er, wait don't do that; fine, whatever, do it, it's not like you have his phone number you loser. Anyway, I say that Flac gets rattled and Tarvaris (very close to going back to Turdvaris) somehow learns how to operate a two minute drill to get the win.
Seahawks 16-13
New York Giants @ San Francisco
The Giants come into this game having won six of their last seven (bonus points to whoever can name the one team they lost to), but their last four wins in that stretch have been by only 3 or 4 points in each game. This could mean that they're clutch, or just lucky. I say they're both, they're clucky! Hmm, no, that didn't work either, shit. Ok never mind they're just good, and I feel like they're better on the road. I know I said that I'd never pick against the Niners again, and I hate to lie, but if John Matrix can do it then so can I. Besides, fuck 'em.
Giants 20-17
Detroit @ Chicago
The Bears have won three in a row, including wins in Philadelphia and London, two of the toughest places to play in the NFL. The Lions lost two in a row and then destroyed Tim Tebow. Now they're coming off a bye which I think will leave them sluggish, like a wet sponge. That adds up to a rare Chicago pick for me.
Bears 23-20
Sunday Night
New England @ New York Jets
Last week the Patriots lost a heart-breaker, meanwhile Rex Ryan ate a burger called the "Heart-breaker." It's safe to say that the experience was more pleasant for Ryan, and I think that will have a carry-over effect to this week. It would seem strange for New England to drop to 5-4, but they just haven't been playing well lately.
Jets 21-19
Monday Night
Minnesota @ Green Bay
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers only throws one incompletion. It will come right towards the end of the game, and he will throw it all the way into the stands, into the waiting arms of a sick child. Replays will catch Rodgers flashing a sly wink as he turns back to the huddle. Wow, what a great guy. As for the game itself, it's Green Bay in a cream job.
Packers 38-21
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ Philadelphia
The Eagles are currently only one game better than the Cardinals, however the two teams feel much further apart. In fact, if my survival depended on one pick this week I'd have to go with Philly. Or, to put it another way, if I had to choose one game correctly otherwise I'd be forced to swim with toasters in some sort of suicide pool, I would most likely pick the Eagles (maybe I shouldn't have used those italics).
Eagles 27-17
Tennessee @ Carolina
Remember before the season when Chris Johnson got upset with all the "fake fans" that were just concerned about him playing this year for fantasy purposes? Is it possible that his awful play this season is just his way of getting back at them? I say it's the only feasible explanation. And I'm pissed! I was saddled with him for the first 9 weeks, but now I've unloaded him, so I'm no longer a "fake fan," I'm not even a fan at all. Worst of luck bud!
Panthers 30-14
Houston @ Tampa Bay
The Bucs have been much better at home this season and the Texans have been a bit shaky on the road outside of their 41-7 cream job on Tennessee a couple weeks ago. However, it seems like the Texans are gaining a lot momentum and confidence while Tampa is losing all of that.
Texans 24-10
Washington @ Miami
The Dolphins shocked the NFL with a 31-3 win in Kansas City last week. I'm sure it also shocked Matt Moore who, by this point, must have been sure that his team was trying their damnedest to replace him with the first pick in the draft. This week Miami will get another win to further eliminate themselves from the Andrew Luck Sweepstakes ... the Luckstakes? No that sucks, don't worry I'll come up with a better portmanteau word involving luck at some point today.
Dolphins 20-13
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
The last time these teams met a season ago they were battling for the lead in the division, now they're fighting it out in the basement as if they were Stu Hart. But you and I both know that neither of these teams are deceased wrestling legends, and if they are they've done quite the job disguising themselves. So what to make of this stinker (which is the same thing I say when I sculpt poo for money on the Venice boardwalk)? I think the Colts manage to get their first win. Why? Because I'm crrrraaaaaaaaaaaazy (see: poo sculpting).
Colts 23-20
Denver @ Kansas City
For a couple weeks now "Tebowing" has become all the rage, including players from other teams mocking Tebow by kneeling after sacking him. If players really wanted to mock Tebow they should grab the ball after they sack him, run around like a chicken with his head cut off and then throw the ball into the stands. There would probably be resulting penalties, but that's not the point; the point, as it always is in football, is to be hilarious.
Chiefs 28-16
Buffalo @ Dallas
With the absence of Miles Austin in this game the Cowboys have lost more smiles than Shawn Michaels circa '97. Will that be enough to get the Bills the win? I don't think so. As legendary former Dallas coach Tom Landry once said, "Smiles don't win football games." (don't bother looking that quote up, you won't be able to find it, just trust that I did)
Cowboys 27-24
New Orleans @ Atlanta
The winner of this game will take control of the NFC South ... for now. If there's one thing I've always said about the NFC South it's "Don't count out the Saints even if they fall to 6-4 and are a half game out of first going into their bye week." So, as you can see, even with a loss this week to the Falcons New Orleans still has a chance.
Falcons 31-27
St. Louis @ Cleveland
Rams vs. Browns. C'mon, that's kind of funny/dirty on it's own right?
Rams 12-11
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
The Bengals currently hold the #1 seed in the AFC. That's not a joke, I couldn't make up something that funny. But the honeymoon will soon be over as the second-half schedule brings four games against the Steelers and Ravens and another one against the Texans. There's still a chance they could make the playoffs, but a first round bye won't be in the cards. A wild card is more likely in the cards, I mean that's just common sense if you look at the words.
Steelers 17-13
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ Seattle
As I've said before, as the Flac-Man goes so go the Ravens, and he proved it last week by leading a game-winning last-second touchdown drive to beat Pittsburgh. Unfortunately for Flac he's making his first trip to Seattle this week, and as we all know, those don't go so well, just ask Andy Dalton. Er, wait don't do that; fine, whatever, do it, it's not like you have his phone number you loser. Anyway, I say that Flac gets rattled and Tarvaris (very close to going back to Turdvaris) somehow learns how to operate a two minute drill to get the win.
Seahawks 16-13
New York Giants @ San Francisco
The Giants come into this game having won six of their last seven (bonus points to whoever can name the one team they lost to), but their last four wins in that stretch have been by only 3 or 4 points in each game. This could mean that they're clutch, or just lucky. I say they're both, they're clucky! Hmm, no, that didn't work either, shit. Ok never mind they're just good, and I feel like they're better on the road. I know I said that I'd never pick against the Niners again, and I hate to lie, but if John Matrix can do it then so can I. Besides, fuck 'em.
Giants 20-17
Detroit @ Chicago
The Bears have won three in a row, including wins in Philadelphia and London, two of the toughest places to play in the NFL. The Lions lost two in a row and then destroyed Tim Tebow. Now they're coming off a bye which I think will leave them sluggish, like a wet sponge. That adds up to a rare Chicago pick for me.
Bears 23-20
Sunday Night
New England @ New York Jets
Last week the Patriots lost a heart-breaker, meanwhile Rex Ryan ate a burger called the "Heart-breaker." It's safe to say that the experience was more pleasant for Ryan, and I think that will have a carry-over effect to this week. It would seem strange for New England to drop to 5-4, but they just haven't been playing well lately.
Jets 21-19
Monday Night
Minnesota @ Green Bay
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers only throws one incompletion. It will come right towards the end of the game, and he will throw it all the way into the stands, into the waiting arms of a sick child. Replays will catch Rodgers flashing a sly wink as he turns back to the huddle. Wow, what a great guy. As for the game itself, it's Green Bay in a cream job.
Packers 38-21
11.09.2011
Week 10 - Thursday Night
Thursday Night
Oakland @ San Diego
After watching these two teams over the last couple of weeks I kind of wish I could pick against them both. Come to think of it, that would be a great idea, I should do that with every game, I'd never lose ... then again I'd never really win either. It would be like some type of picking purgatory, a pickatory if you will ... you won't? Alright dick. As I was saying, neither team has looked great in their most recent outings, but the Raiders have been a real mess since Darren McFadden went down at the start of the KC game. Not coincidentally that was also the first game that Carson Palmer played in Oakland. With DMC out again and Palmer still very much in I will confidently take the Chargers.
Chargers 31-16
Oakland @ San Diego
After watching these two teams over the last couple of weeks I kind of wish I could pick against them both. Come to think of it, that would be a great idea, I should do that with every game, I'd never lose ... then again I'd never really win either. It would be like some type of picking purgatory, a pickatory if you will ... you won't? Alright dick. As I was saying, neither team has looked great in their most recent outings, but the Raiders have been a real mess since Darren McFadden went down at the start of the KC game. Not coincidentally that was also the first game that Carson Palmer played in Oakland. With DMC out again and Palmer still very much in I will confidently take the Chargers.
Chargers 31-16
11.03.2011
NFL Picks Week 9
We've hit the midway point of the season, which means I'm either going to be repeating myself or reaching way too far to think of creative things to say. Enjoy!
Sunday Morning
Miami @ Kansas City
Interesting coaching match-up here, Todd Haley looks homeless and Tony Sparano may soon be jobless, and I assume within a matter of months actually homeless. Let's face it, coachin' is all Sparano knows, and in this economy there just isn't a lot of freelance coaching work out there. So, in essence, Sparano needs to win some games down the stretch to maintain his livelihood and his family's safety. Unfortunately for the Sparanos the Chiefs have won 4 in a row, while the poorly-coached Dolphins have lost their 10 dating back to last season.
Chiefs 24-10
Atlanta @ Indianapolis
There's been some talk lately about Peyton Manning really wanting to try to play this season. This feels like when you would fake being sick to stay home from school and you'd make a half-assed effort to get ready before you finally told your mom you couldn't make it. You never did that? I did it all the time ... wait a minute I hope my mom isn't reading this, for a number of reasons really, but that confession in particular. Another problem is that the analogy only works if Manning is faking his neck injury ... hmm ... I just love stirring up controversy/making things up.
Falcons 31-13
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
Many were shocked by the Saints loss to the Rams last week, but not me. It's become clear that the Seahawks solved New Orleans for the rest of the NFC West after beating them in the playoffs last season, and last week's game has proven it. Bottom line: the NFC West owns the Saints, they're just lucky that the Rams are the only West team on their slate this year. Now that New Orleans is back to a softer schedule they should be able to get back on their feet.
Saints 34-20
New York Jets @ Buffalo
These teams play each other twice in the next four weeks, Coincidentally, because of his terrible diet that's the same amount of times that Rex Ryan will poop in that time span. After this game the Bills play 4 of their next 5 on the road, so a win in this one would go a long way towards their playoff hopes. However, I think that the Jets will shit all over those hopes ... well, not Rex Ryan of course, but the team itself.
Jets 20-17
Seattle @ Dallas
The Hawks' last two trips to Dallas have been uninspiring at best, losing 34-9 and 38-17, the former of which ruining an Andersen Thanksgiving. So why will this time be different? Well, it's not Thanksgiving, check a calendar bro. As for the Hawks getting a win? I can't make any guarantees, clearly, seeing as how I'm 2-5 when picking them this year, but I can believe damn it. Why? Because I don't have a choice.
Seahawks 24-20
Cleveland @ Houston
It would appear that I made an error in judgment when I said that the Texans wouldn't win a game while Andre Johnson was out, they've now won two. But hey, I'm a man who can admit when he's made a mistake, like the time I overslept for a midterm or when I ran over a guy while I was driving too fast to get to a midterm on time. The point is the Texans are looking like they are officially the team to beat in the AFC South; well actually the Colts are the team to beat, seeing as how they've been beaten seven times already this season, if you're looking for a team to beat it's them!
Texans 26-13
San Francisco @ Washington
The Niners are so dominant that they're even throwing to their linemen now. These guys are so cool! Anyway, another week and another win for the boys from San Fran. 15-1 here they come!
49ers 22-7
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Tennessee
The Bengals tacked on a couple of superfluous touchdowns at the end of their supremely impressive win in Seattle last week. I wouldn't call it running up the score, but I certainly didn't like it. Now it's up to Matthew Hasselbeck to seek vengeance. I'm sure MH was watching the game last week and was just as upset as I was, so he'll take extra pleasure in shredding Cincy's D to the tune of 16 points.
Titans 16-13
Denver @ Oakland
This game promises to be an entertaining one for fans of sloppy QB play (by the way, do not google "sloppy QB play" while at work, just trust me, QB does not stand for quarterback on most of those sites). It's quite possible that this game will come down to whoever has the ball last ... that team will lose. Seriously, these teams should just start their receivers on defense.
Raiders 27-13
New York Giants @ New England
It's a rematch of that classic game from a few years back in which the Patriots completed their perfect regular season with a thrilling 38-35 victory. I know I'll never forget where I was when I watched that game, feel free to post your own memories in the comments section. Will this one be a repeat of that timeless epic? We can only hope. But the answer is probably not, because Eli Manning could never beat Tom Brady.
Patriots 38-24
St. Louis @ Arizona
Arizona is riding a 6 game losing streak, St. Louis just snapped a 6 gamer of their own. What does this mean? It's Fox's Game of the Week!
Cardinals 19-14
Green Bay @ San Diego
Philip Rivers' snap receiving is becoming a problem, and look who's coming to town! Green Bay, the best snap defenders in the league. Rivers will be lucky to come away from this contest without a snap pick or two. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is the best in the NFL at receiving snaps and then throwing with that very same ball. The Chargers are clearly better at home (3-0, while 1-3 on the road) but why pick against the Packers right now?
Packers 30-26
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
My Wacky Pick of the Week: No one will get a bruise in this game.
Steelers 21-18
Monday Night
Chicago @ Philadelphia
I honestly think that at least one of these teams has played in one of the night games every week so far, so it was only a matter of time before they ended up facing each other; it was inevitable, like a room full of monkeys being able to write Shakespeare given enough time and typewriters (this is an old hypothetical scenario that was finally proven to be true recently! Click here for the details). As for this game, the Eagles have won back to back games, meaning they are clearly as good as we all thought they were before the season. So, barring any monkey business (hold for laughter) Philly should get the win.
Eagles 31-21
Sunday Morning
Miami @ Kansas City
Interesting coaching match-up here, Todd Haley looks homeless and Tony Sparano may soon be jobless, and I assume within a matter of months actually homeless. Let's face it, coachin' is all Sparano knows, and in this economy there just isn't a lot of freelance coaching work out there. So, in essence, Sparano needs to win some games down the stretch to maintain his livelihood and his family's safety. Unfortunately for the Sparanos the Chiefs have won 4 in a row, while the poorly-coached Dolphins have lost their 10 dating back to last season.
Chiefs 24-10
Atlanta @ Indianapolis
There's been some talk lately about Peyton Manning really wanting to try to play this season. This feels like when you would fake being sick to stay home from school and you'd make a half-assed effort to get ready before you finally told your mom you couldn't make it. You never did that? I did it all the time ... wait a minute I hope my mom isn't reading this, for a number of reasons really, but that confession in particular. Another problem is that the analogy only works if Manning is faking his neck injury ... hmm ... I just love stirring up controversy/making things up.
Falcons 31-13
Tampa Bay @ New Orleans
Many were shocked by the Saints loss to the Rams last week, but not me. It's become clear that the Seahawks solved New Orleans for the rest of the NFC West after beating them in the playoffs last season, and last week's game has proven it. Bottom line: the NFC West owns the Saints, they're just lucky that the Rams are the only West team on their slate this year. Now that New Orleans is back to a softer schedule they should be able to get back on their feet.
Saints 34-20
New York Jets @ Buffalo
These teams play each other twice in the next four weeks, Coincidentally, because of his terrible diet that's the same amount of times that Rex Ryan will poop in that time span. After this game the Bills play 4 of their next 5 on the road, so a win in this one would go a long way towards their playoff hopes. However, I think that the Jets will shit all over those hopes ... well, not Rex Ryan of course, but the team itself.
Jets 20-17
Seattle @ Dallas
The Hawks' last two trips to Dallas have been uninspiring at best, losing 34-9 and 38-17, the former of which ruining an Andersen Thanksgiving. So why will this time be different? Well, it's not Thanksgiving, check a calendar bro. As for the Hawks getting a win? I can't make any guarantees, clearly, seeing as how I'm 2-5 when picking them this year, but I can believe damn it. Why? Because I don't have a choice.
Seahawks 24-20
Cleveland @ Houston
It would appear that I made an error in judgment when I said that the Texans wouldn't win a game while Andre Johnson was out, they've now won two. But hey, I'm a man who can admit when he's made a mistake, like the time I overslept for a midterm or when I ran over a guy while I was driving too fast to get to a midterm on time. The point is the Texans are looking like they are officially the team to beat in the AFC South; well actually the Colts are the team to beat, seeing as how they've been beaten seven times already this season, if you're looking for a team to beat it's them!
Texans 26-13
San Francisco @ Washington
The Niners are so dominant that they're even throwing to their linemen now. These guys are so cool! Anyway, another week and another win for the boys from San Fran. 15-1 here they come!
49ers 22-7
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Tennessee
The Bengals tacked on a couple of superfluous touchdowns at the end of their supremely impressive win in Seattle last week. I wouldn't call it running up the score, but I certainly didn't like it. Now it's up to Matthew Hasselbeck to seek vengeance. I'm sure MH was watching the game last week and was just as upset as I was, so he'll take extra pleasure in shredding Cincy's D to the tune of 16 points.
Titans 16-13
Denver @ Oakland
This game promises to be an entertaining one for fans of sloppy QB play (by the way, do not google "sloppy QB play" while at work, just trust me, QB does not stand for quarterback on most of those sites). It's quite possible that this game will come down to whoever has the ball last ... that team will lose. Seriously, these teams should just start their receivers on defense.
Raiders 27-13
New York Giants @ New England
It's a rematch of that classic game from a few years back in which the Patriots completed their perfect regular season with a thrilling 38-35 victory. I know I'll never forget where I was when I watched that game, feel free to post your own memories in the comments section. Will this one be a repeat of that timeless epic? We can only hope. But the answer is probably not, because Eli Manning could never beat Tom Brady.
Patriots 38-24
St. Louis @ Arizona
Arizona is riding a 6 game losing streak, St. Louis just snapped a 6 gamer of their own. What does this mean? It's Fox's Game of the Week!
Cardinals 19-14
Green Bay @ San Diego
Philip Rivers' snap receiving is becoming a problem, and look who's coming to town! Green Bay, the best snap defenders in the league. Rivers will be lucky to come away from this contest without a snap pick or two. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is the best in the NFL at receiving snaps and then throwing with that very same ball. The Chargers are clearly better at home (3-0, while 1-3 on the road) but why pick against the Packers right now?
Packers 30-26
Sunday Night
Baltimore @ Pittsburgh
My Wacky Pick of the Week: No one will get a bruise in this game.
Steelers 21-18
Monday Night
Chicago @ Philadelphia
I honestly think that at least one of these teams has played in one of the night games every week so far, so it was only a matter of time before they ended up facing each other; it was inevitable, like a room full of monkeys being able to write Shakespeare given enough time and typewriters (this is an old hypothetical scenario that was finally proven to be true recently! Click here for the details). As for this game, the Eagles have won back to back games, meaning they are clearly as good as we all thought they were before the season. So, barring any monkey business (hold for laughter) Philly should get the win.
Eagles 31-21
10.27.2011
NFL Picks Week 8
As of this posting, the weekly NFL Picks have become the most tagged subject in the history of Henry Cotto's Mustache. There were a lot of people who said it would never get this far, but apparently they didn't understand that there are no editors on this blog and that I can make a post every week regardless of whether or not anyone is reading. If you actually do read this then thank you, I appreciate it, and don't believe what anybody says, that shirt you're wearing doesn't look terrible on you.
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ Baltimore
The Ravens played against the Jags last Monday, and in strict football terms they shit the bed. It would sound stupid to say that Joe Flacco is Baltimore's MVP, but the fact is that when he plays well they win. If he doesn't play well, the defense can still carry them, but if the Flac-Man is slangin' it, a W is a sure thing. So, the question all of America is now asking is, and I quote, "Will the Flac-Man slang it?" I say that this week he will.
Ravens 29-14
Minnesota @ Carolina
It's Ponder vs. Newton! Not since Bird and Magic has there been a more anticipated match-up of rookies (and no, I do not mean Larry Bird and Magic Johnson).
Panthers 30-24
Jacksonville @ Houston
Both of these squads showed me something last week. The Texans proved they can win without Andre Johnson, while the Jaguars proved they can win. Arian Foster had a huge game for Houston, running for over 100 yards and receiving for over 100 as well, a rare feat that results in quite a few Madden points. In fact, the Texans should have enough for at least a couple cards after last game. Jack Del Rio commented that he hopes it's not the one for unlimited timeouts because that can have a major affect on the end of the game; he went further to say that if any of the cards are used it would be "totally cheap." Either way I think the Texans have the advantage in this one.
Texans 24-16
Miami @ New York Giants
The Dolphins have taken tanking to new heights, and I'm not even talking about their 4th quarter collapse against Denver last week. Did anybody see who they just signed to play quarterback? J.P. Losman ... as in Loss-man! If there was a superhero whose super power was losing football games that would be his name. They're just flaunting it now.
Giants 27-17
New Orleans @ St. Louis
The Saints are coming off a record-setting offensive performance, but now they find themselves up against ... hold on, I have to look it up. Sorry gang, I'm a little unprepared. You would not believe the week I'm having, but that's besides the point, let me just find that opponent. Ok, almost got it ... looks like it is ... The Rams!? Oh fuck, just call it off now. This is going to be like one of those middle school basketball games where they just shut the scoreboard off at halftime so that the other team doesn't feel bad. At least the 12th Ram won't have to worry about being quiet when the Rams get inside the red zone.
Saints 41-12
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
Last week I mentioned how I was starting Curtis Painter in fantasy. Needless to say after his literally negative performance I got rid of him faster than Shooter McGavin gets rid of caddies who tell him to chip onto the green with a 5-iron. Speaking of disappointing efforts, the Titans were obliterated last week by the Johnson-less Texans. My only explanation is that Matthew had something better to do so Tim Hasselbeck replaced him and they just thought no one would notice. Nice try guys, I got ya. Anyway, Matt will come back this week, which will equal a win.
Titans 28-10
Sunday Afternoon
Detroit @ Denver
Last week when I said that Tim Tebow doesn't know how to quit I didn't realize how right I'd be. What I failed to mention was that it also takes him quite a while to get going. Did it matter that he only had 40 yards passing before his consecutive 4th quarter touchdown drives? No, because he was playing the Dolphins. My guess would be that he won't be able to pull off the same trick against any other team, and if he can then it's just stupid and I'll stop liking football (which isn't much of a stretch after watching last week's Hawks game). The Lions should stop their 2 game skid here.
Lions 21-13
Washington @ Buffalo
America wasn't big enough for this game, so these teams have decided to ... (:40 mark) Yes that's right, this game will played across the border in Canada, which some jerks refer to as "America's hat." First of all, that's not very clever, and second of all, Canada is much larger than the United States, so that would be like someone wearing a hat that was bigger than them and that just doesn't happen outside of Dr. Seuss books. The Canadian setting seems like a disadvantage for the Bills, because there's no chance the crowd in Toronto will affect the game like the people in Buffalo do. In fact, the fans will probably be confused by the presence of a 4th period and they may even leave after the 3rd. Even with all of this I'll still take the Bills, because I believe that the Redskins are in the midst of losing 9 games out of 10.
Bills 23-17
Cincinnati @ Seattle
I think we can all agree that those Char-lie chants at home games should never happen again. Just when it seemed that the Hawks actually had a competent offense they go and do something like that ... and do NOT redeem themselves. I understand that we were missing our starting QB, RB, and center, and the officiating was suspect at best, but 3 points against the Browns? Not on my watch! While we're on the topic, I've been watching from too far away, this team needs me. Last time I went to a game I made it snow and got in Brett Favre's head, resulting in 25% of the Hawks' wins for the whole season, all in one afternoon. I think I can handle Andy Dalton. And if you happen to be in the Nest on Sunday get ready for some of this.
Seahawks 20-13
Cleveland @ San Francisco
After getting an in-depth look at the Browns offense last week I don't see any way that they'll manage to put up points on the powerhouse Niners. Nope, this is as sure as wins get in the NFL. Congrats in advance to San Fran for getting to 6-1, nothing can stop you on your march to a Super Bowl title.
49ers 16-0
New England @ Pittsburgh
All of a sudden Pittsburgh is 5-2 and leading their division. Doesn't this always happen with the Steelers? We start to think they suck, then before we know it they're sneaking their way into the Super Bowl, those slimy bastards. Another thing that happens quite a bit with Pittsburgh is that they're humbled when they play Tom Brady. Brady's beaten them four times in a row, and I expect him to make it five. And if he doesn't it will position the Steelers as the favorites in the AFC, and may God have mercy on our souls.
Patriots 31-24
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Philadelphia
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that because this game is being played on the night before Halloween there will be an Eagles fan who dresses up like a zombie Tony Romo. Romo will see this and believe he's come face-to-face with his own mortality and that it actually is his dead self from the future. Furthermore, because the costume will feature a Romo jersey, Romo will be convinced that he is going to die during a game. For the rest of his career he will be mortified every time he puts his uniform on. Surprisingly, he'll still have some pretty productive years.
Eagles 28-25
Monday Night
San Diego @ Kansas City
The Chiefs came into their last game with 5 interceptions on the season. In one game against the tandem of Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer they picked off 6. Does this mean the Chiefs' defense is improving? Not necessarily, but it does mean that the Raiders are going to be a lot of fun to watch for the rest of the season. KC has won three straight though, and this is the first of three consecutive home games for them. They'll need to win all of those because they precede a murderous five game stretch in which someone will probably get murdered, hence my use of the term murderous. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, I think they'll drop this one seeing as how their winning streak has come against the Vikings, Chiefs, and the aforementioned combo leading the Raiders.
Chargers 24-21
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ Baltimore
The Ravens played against the Jags last Monday, and in strict football terms they shit the bed. It would sound stupid to say that Joe Flacco is Baltimore's MVP, but the fact is that when he plays well they win. If he doesn't play well, the defense can still carry them, but if the Flac-Man is slangin' it, a W is a sure thing. So, the question all of America is now asking is, and I quote, "Will the Flac-Man slang it?" I say that this week he will.
Ravens 29-14
Minnesota @ Carolina
It's Ponder vs. Newton! Not since Bird and Magic has there been a more anticipated match-up of rookies (and no, I do not mean Larry Bird and Magic Johnson).
Panthers 30-24
Jacksonville @ Houston
Both of these squads showed me something last week. The Texans proved they can win without Andre Johnson, while the Jaguars proved they can win. Arian Foster had a huge game for Houston, running for over 100 yards and receiving for over 100 as well, a rare feat that results in quite a few Madden points. In fact, the Texans should have enough for at least a couple cards after last game. Jack Del Rio commented that he hopes it's not the one for unlimited timeouts because that can have a major affect on the end of the game; he went further to say that if any of the cards are used it would be "totally cheap." Either way I think the Texans have the advantage in this one.
Texans 24-16
Miami @ New York Giants
The Dolphins have taken tanking to new heights, and I'm not even talking about their 4th quarter collapse against Denver last week. Did anybody see who they just signed to play quarterback? J.P. Losman ... as in Loss-man! If there was a superhero whose super power was losing football games that would be his name. They're just flaunting it now.
Giants 27-17
New Orleans @ St. Louis
The Saints are coming off a record-setting offensive performance, but now they find themselves up against ... hold on, I have to look it up. Sorry gang, I'm a little unprepared. You would not believe the week I'm having, but that's besides the point, let me just find that opponent. Ok, almost got it ... looks like it is ... The Rams!? Oh fuck, just call it off now. This is going to be like one of those middle school basketball games where they just shut the scoreboard off at halftime so that the other team doesn't feel bad. At least the 12th Ram won't have to worry about being quiet when the Rams get inside the red zone.
Saints 41-12
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
Last week I mentioned how I was starting Curtis Painter in fantasy. Needless to say after his literally negative performance I got rid of him faster than Shooter McGavin gets rid of caddies who tell him to chip onto the green with a 5-iron. Speaking of disappointing efforts, the Titans were obliterated last week by the Johnson-less Texans. My only explanation is that Matthew had something better to do so Tim Hasselbeck replaced him and they just thought no one would notice. Nice try guys, I got ya. Anyway, Matt will come back this week, which will equal a win.
Titans 28-10
Sunday Afternoon
Detroit @ Denver
Last week when I said that Tim Tebow doesn't know how to quit I didn't realize how right I'd be. What I failed to mention was that it also takes him quite a while to get going. Did it matter that he only had 40 yards passing before his consecutive 4th quarter touchdown drives? No, because he was playing the Dolphins. My guess would be that he won't be able to pull off the same trick against any other team, and if he can then it's just stupid and I'll stop liking football (which isn't much of a stretch after watching last week's Hawks game). The Lions should stop their 2 game skid here.
Lions 21-13
Washington @ Buffalo
America wasn't big enough for this game, so these teams have decided to ... (:40 mark) Yes that's right, this game will played across the border in Canada, which some jerks refer to as "America's hat." First of all, that's not very clever, and second of all, Canada is much larger than the United States, so that would be like someone wearing a hat that was bigger than them and that just doesn't happen outside of Dr. Seuss books. The Canadian setting seems like a disadvantage for the Bills, because there's no chance the crowd in Toronto will affect the game like the people in Buffalo do. In fact, the fans will probably be confused by the presence of a 4th period and they may even leave after the 3rd. Even with all of this I'll still take the Bills, because I believe that the Redskins are in the midst of losing 9 games out of 10.
Bills 23-17
Cincinnati @ Seattle
I think we can all agree that those Char-lie chants at home games should never happen again. Just when it seemed that the Hawks actually had a competent offense they go and do something like that ... and do NOT redeem themselves. I understand that we were missing our starting QB, RB, and center, and the officiating was suspect at best, but 3 points against the Browns? Not on my watch! While we're on the topic, I've been watching from too far away, this team needs me. Last time I went to a game I made it snow and got in Brett Favre's head, resulting in 25% of the Hawks' wins for the whole season, all in one afternoon. I think I can handle Andy Dalton. And if you happen to be in the Nest on Sunday get ready for some of this.
Seahawks 20-13
Cleveland @ San Francisco
After getting an in-depth look at the Browns offense last week I don't see any way that they'll manage to put up points on the powerhouse Niners. Nope, this is as sure as wins get in the NFL. Congrats in advance to San Fran for getting to 6-1, nothing can stop you on your march to a Super Bowl title.
49ers 16-0
New England @ Pittsburgh
All of a sudden Pittsburgh is 5-2 and leading their division. Doesn't this always happen with the Steelers? We start to think they suck, then before we know it they're sneaking their way into the Super Bowl, those slimy bastards. Another thing that happens quite a bit with Pittsburgh is that they're humbled when they play Tom Brady. Brady's beaten them four times in a row, and I expect him to make it five. And if he doesn't it will position the Steelers as the favorites in the AFC, and may God have mercy on our souls.
Patriots 31-24
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Philadelphia
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that because this game is being played on the night before Halloween there will be an Eagles fan who dresses up like a zombie Tony Romo. Romo will see this and believe he's come face-to-face with his own mortality and that it actually is his dead self from the future. Furthermore, because the costume will feature a Romo jersey, Romo will be convinced that he is going to die during a game. For the rest of his career he will be mortified every time he puts his uniform on. Surprisingly, he'll still have some pretty productive years.
Eagles 28-25
Monday Night
San Diego @ Kansas City
The Chiefs came into their last game with 5 interceptions on the season. In one game against the tandem of Kyle Boller and Carson Palmer they picked off 6. Does this mean the Chiefs' defense is improving? Not necessarily, but it does mean that the Raiders are going to be a lot of fun to watch for the rest of the season. KC has won three straight though, and this is the first of three consecutive home games for them. They'll need to win all of those because they precede a murderous five game stretch in which someone will probably get murdered, hence my use of the term murderous. Unfortunately for the Chiefs, I think they'll drop this one seeing as how their winning streak has come against the Vikings, Chiefs, and the aforementioned combo leading the Raiders.
Chargers 24-21
10.20.2011
NFL Picks Week 7
Last week was my most successful in the history of these posts. I posted an astonishing, and now to be expected, 12-1 record. The only incorrect pick? You guessed it, the 49ers. Well I've learned my lesson, I'm picking the Niners from here on out, starting this week. What's that? They have a bye? Oh well, it was a good run Niners.
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Cleveland
Jackson or Whitehurst? It's kind of like asking shotgun or machete. Either way we're going to kill you Cleveland. The Hawks are clearly now a powerhouse that can win on either coast and in any time zone, so the early start in this one presents no problem. This is a big game for both teams, whoever wins will get to 3-3 and still have playoff hopes going forward, and the loser will fall to 2-4 and likely be out of contention ... unless, of course, that 2-4 team is the Hawks, because no matter what their record is they find a way into the playoffs. But that point will be moot.
Seahawks 23-16
San Diego @ New York Jets
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Rex Ryan eats everyone.
Jets 16-13
Chicago @ Tampa Bay
Tampa fans have to be relieved that this game is being played in London, now they don't have to think of a reason not to go see the Bucs play this Sunday, they can finally just relax and go do some outdoor activities, or whatever it is those jerks do instead of sitting, drinking, and watching football all day. As for the game itself, playing in front of a tepid, mostly disinterested crowd should make the Bucs feel right at home, and I think they'll feed off that.
Buccaneers 20-17
Washington @ Carolina
This seems like the perfect game for the Panthers to pull a mild upset in. They've hung around with everyone they played, but a tough schedule has yielded only one win. Meanwhile, the Redskins are thinking about starting John Beck? Gross man.
Panthers 28-17
Atlanta @ Detroit
There's been quite the debate over who deserves more blame for the handshake fiasco that occurred after the Lions-Niners game last week. Jim Schwartz definitely seems like a turbo, and he probably didn't need to go after Harbaugh twice, or make physical contact, but I don't blame him for being pissed. Then there's Harbaugh, who was described the following way by Mill Creek, Wa resident Arne Andersen, "He's an asshole asshole asshole, and he'll always be an asshole." Longfellow couldn't have said it better. Either way I think the disappointment from that loss lingers into this week for Detroit.
Falcons 27-24
Denver @ Miami
A lot of people are accusing the Dolphins of tanking games, and watching Matt Moore it's hard to argue the contrary. But has anybody told Moore why they're tanking? Does he think they're trying to get o-line help with that #1 pick? Meanwhile, Tebow gets his first start of the season. This is a man that doesn't know how to quit, a skill that would translate well to "I Quit" matches, but is equally important in football.
Broncos 20-17
Houston @ Tennessee
Andre Johnson has been upgraded to questionable for this game, which means the Texans' chances to win are still awful. Why? Look who they're playing, it's Matt and the boys (a nickname that I'm fairly certain all of Tennessee is currently using in reference to the Titans). Matty don't lose at home, he never did with the Hawks and he hasn't yet with the Titans. And this is is just the first of three straight home games for Tennessee, so expect them to get to 6-2 and take a stranglehold over the worse than the NFC West AFC South.
Titans 26-20
Sunday Afternoon
Kansas City @ Oakland
It appears that the Raiders will opt to start new acquisition Carson Palmer over incumbent back-up Kyle Boller, a man who has been living in Palmer's shadow ever since they were both in the Pac-10 (that's what it was called back then). But isn't this the same thing we saw when the Colts brought in Kerry Collins to start when their best option was actually someone who had been with the team and knew the offense, despite his track record? Not exactly. Collins is a good deal older than Palmer, the Colts' offense is more sophisticated than the Raiders', and Kyle Boller isn't a secret badass like Curtis Painter (more on him later; there's a tease that will keep ya reading eh?). Be that as it may, I still think Palmer will struggle.
Chiefs 23-19
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
It's a rematch of Super Bowl XLIII, and it's finally time for Kurt Warner to get revenge on Ben Roethlisberger. Just kidding, as we all know Warner is retired, and his vengeance will come in the after-life. Unfortunately for Arizona fans they'll have to rely on Kevin Kolb to exercise their demons. I'm not saying that he can't do it, I'm just saying he won't, and also he probably can't.
Steelers 31-21
Green Bay @ Minnesota
It's become clear to most that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league, and probably the best player. But I think we need to extrapolate this even further, is Aaron Rodgers the best person at his job in all of America? I say yes. If Kevin Calabro was still calling Supes' games my answer would obviously be different, but tragically that is not the case.
Packers 30-14
St. Louis @ Dallas
Here we have the NFL equivalent to the current World Series match-up. Yes, that's right folks, the World Series is being played right now, and it's Cardinals vs. Rangers. Unlike their baseball counterparts both of these teams have struggled so far, furthermore, these teams barely ever use bats during their games, which is really a shame. Sam Bradford's TD/INT numbers do look just like a full count though. That's right, he's thrown only 3 TDs and 2 INTs. How is that possible after five games? Just do something already, if you're not going to be good then just start slangin' picks. It's more fun that way, just ask Romo.
Cowboys 27-10
Sunday Night
Indianapolis @ New Orleans
I've come to a frightening point in my fantasy season, I'm starting Curtis Painter. If you told me this before the season started I would have called you a rat bastard liar and told you to give me back my shirt (in this case I'm assuming that was told to me by James, who has had my Grand Archives shirt for quite some time). But now I'm not even that worried, I think Painter's got the chops, or at least chops enough to throw for a lot of yards in a losing effort, the true mark of a successful fantasy quarterback.
Saints 35-21
Monday Night
Baltimore @ Jacksonville
A lot of people are saying that this has been the worst slate of Monday night games ever, others are saying that those other people say that every year, still others are saying, "It's a good thing Bocephus's song got pulled because if he asked me if I was ready for some football and this was the game I honestly don't know what I'd say to him." I agree with everyone. Maybe the answer is taking NBC's idea of the Flex game one step further and having Flex teams. For instance, ESPN could flex the Jaguars out and flex in someone else on the Ravens' schedule who has a bye this week, like Cincinnati; then the Jags trade bye weeks with the Bengals. You might be saying, "But what about the fans in Jacksonville?" To which I'd say, watch it pal, I make the jokes around here.
Ravens 20-6
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Cleveland
Jackson or Whitehurst? It's kind of like asking shotgun or machete. Either way we're going to kill you Cleveland. The Hawks are clearly now a powerhouse that can win on either coast and in any time zone, so the early start in this one presents no problem. This is a big game for both teams, whoever wins will get to 3-3 and still have playoff hopes going forward, and the loser will fall to 2-4 and likely be out of contention ... unless, of course, that 2-4 team is the Hawks, because no matter what their record is they find a way into the playoffs. But that point will be moot.
Seahawks 23-16
San Diego @ New York Jets
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Rex Ryan eats everyone.
Jets 16-13
Chicago @ Tampa Bay
Tampa fans have to be relieved that this game is being played in London, now they don't have to think of a reason not to go see the Bucs play this Sunday, they can finally just relax and go do some outdoor activities, or whatever it is those jerks do instead of sitting, drinking, and watching football all day. As for the game itself, playing in front of a tepid, mostly disinterested crowd should make the Bucs feel right at home, and I think they'll feed off that.
Buccaneers 20-17
Washington @ Carolina
This seems like the perfect game for the Panthers to pull a mild upset in. They've hung around with everyone they played, but a tough schedule has yielded only one win. Meanwhile, the Redskins are thinking about starting John Beck? Gross man.
Panthers 28-17
Atlanta @ Detroit
There's been quite the debate over who deserves more blame for the handshake fiasco that occurred after the Lions-Niners game last week. Jim Schwartz definitely seems like a turbo, and he probably didn't need to go after Harbaugh twice, or make physical contact, but I don't blame him for being pissed. Then there's Harbaugh, who was described the following way by Mill Creek, Wa resident Arne Andersen, "He's an asshole asshole asshole, and he'll always be an asshole." Longfellow couldn't have said it better. Either way I think the disappointment from that loss lingers into this week for Detroit.
Falcons 27-24
Denver @ Miami
A lot of people are accusing the Dolphins of tanking games, and watching Matt Moore it's hard to argue the contrary. But has anybody told Moore why they're tanking? Does he think they're trying to get o-line help with that #1 pick? Meanwhile, Tebow gets his first start of the season. This is a man that doesn't know how to quit, a skill that would translate well to "I Quit" matches, but is equally important in football.
Broncos 20-17
Houston @ Tennessee
Andre Johnson has been upgraded to questionable for this game, which means the Texans' chances to win are still awful. Why? Look who they're playing, it's Matt and the boys (a nickname that I'm fairly certain all of Tennessee is currently using in reference to the Titans). Matty don't lose at home, he never did with the Hawks and he hasn't yet with the Titans. And this is is just the first of three straight home games for Tennessee, so expect them to get to 6-2 and take a stranglehold over the worse than the NFC West AFC South.
Titans 26-20
Sunday Afternoon
Kansas City @ Oakland
It appears that the Raiders will opt to start new acquisition Carson Palmer over incumbent back-up Kyle Boller, a man who has been living in Palmer's shadow ever since they were both in the Pac-10 (that's what it was called back then). But isn't this the same thing we saw when the Colts brought in Kerry Collins to start when their best option was actually someone who had been with the team and knew the offense, despite his track record? Not exactly. Collins is a good deal older than Palmer, the Colts' offense is more sophisticated than the Raiders', and Kyle Boller isn't a secret badass like Curtis Painter (more on him later; there's a tease that will keep ya reading eh?). Be that as it may, I still think Palmer will struggle.
Chiefs 23-19
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
It's a rematch of Super Bowl XLIII, and it's finally time for Kurt Warner to get revenge on Ben Roethlisberger. Just kidding, as we all know Warner is retired, and his vengeance will come in the after-life. Unfortunately for Arizona fans they'll have to rely on Kevin Kolb to exercise their demons. I'm not saying that he can't do it, I'm just saying he won't, and also he probably can't.
Steelers 31-21
Green Bay @ Minnesota
It's become clear to most that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league, and probably the best player. But I think we need to extrapolate this even further, is Aaron Rodgers the best person at his job in all of America? I say yes. If Kevin Calabro was still calling Supes' games my answer would obviously be different, but tragically that is not the case.
Packers 30-14
St. Louis @ Dallas
Here we have the NFL equivalent to the current World Series match-up. Yes, that's right folks, the World Series is being played right now, and it's Cardinals vs. Rangers. Unlike their baseball counterparts both of these teams have struggled so far, furthermore, these teams barely ever use bats during their games, which is really a shame. Sam Bradford's TD/INT numbers do look just like a full count though. That's right, he's thrown only 3 TDs and 2 INTs. How is that possible after five games? Just do something already, if you're not going to be good then just start slangin' picks. It's more fun that way, just ask Romo.
Cowboys 27-10
Sunday Night
Indianapolis @ New Orleans
I've come to a frightening point in my fantasy season, I'm starting Curtis Painter. If you told me this before the season started I would have called you a rat bastard liar and told you to give me back my shirt (in this case I'm assuming that was told to me by James, who has had my Grand Archives shirt for quite some time). But now I'm not even that worried, I think Painter's got the chops, or at least chops enough to throw for a lot of yards in a losing effort, the true mark of a successful fantasy quarterback.
Saints 35-21
Monday Night
Baltimore @ Jacksonville
A lot of people are saying that this has been the worst slate of Monday night games ever, others are saying that those other people say that every year, still others are saying, "It's a good thing Bocephus's song got pulled because if he asked me if I was ready for some football and this was the game I honestly don't know what I'd say to him." I agree with everyone. Maybe the answer is taking NBC's idea of the Flex game one step further and having Flex teams. For instance, ESPN could flex the Jaguars out and flex in someone else on the Ravens' schedule who has a bye this week, like Cincinnati; then the Jags trade bye weeks with the Bengals. You might be saying, "But what about the fans in Jacksonville?" To which I'd say, watch it pal, I make the jokes around here.
Ravens 20-6
10.13.2011
NFL Picks Week 6
Last week I inadvertently predicted the death of Al Davis. While some of you may blame me for his death, you should keep in mind that the PickBot 4000 was still writing the picks at that point, so it's really not my fault. My only mistake was creating a machine that was too accurate.
Sunday Morning
San Francisco @ Detroit
I'll admit that the Niners were impressive in their 48-3 dismantling of the Bucs last week. And I'll also admit that I was surprised to find out that Alex Smith is the 3rd highest rated passer in the league right now. However, he's also thrown the least passes of any QB to start all of his team's games. So in essence, the Niners are playing a game of checkers and they haven't moved their back row. It's a good, safe strategy, but sooner or later they'll be forced out of their comfort zone. Also, Calvin Johnson is leading the league in "king me's" so I think the choice is clear.
Lions 24-20
St. Louis @ Green Bay
Here the league's best team takes on the league's worst. Not so fast 12th Ram, St. Louis is the latter. This has the potential to be a huge blowout, or a game in which the Packers get bored with how easy it is, resulting in a mildly disappointing 17 point victory. Hmm, let's just go with the first one.
Packers 41-10
Carolina @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Cam Newton introduces his new slogan "Newton's Law says I'm gonna throw all over yo ass," which takes the nation by storm. Within weeks it will be on t-shirts and lunchboxes, it will probably be too long to fit on hats, but that's beside the point.
Falcons 27-26
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Painter vs. Dalton! NFL fever, catch it! In all seriousness though, Painter has looked decent as the Colts QB, but even his dad's ultimate set of tools couldn't fix everything that's wrong with the Colts. Meanwhile Dalton continues to be a steady presence in the Bengals backfield ... one that will be shaken to its core when Cincy visits the CLink after their bye week.
Bengals 20-16
Buffalo @ New York Giants
It's clear that only an exceptional team can go into MetLife Stadium and beat the Giants. And while I love the Bills, their road loss to Cincinnati two weeks ago worries me. Like I've seriously lost sleep over it. I'm losing sleep over it right now, trying to think of something else to write about this game. Whoa, wait a minute, both of these teams play in the state of New York ... so that's something. I'm sure there's some sort of trophy given to the winner of this game. Ok, I'll be honest, I wrote that before doing any fact-checking, there is no trophy.
Giants 27-21
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Gabbert is making a push for the team to wear their black pants this week for obvious reasons.
Steelers 24-7
Philadelphia @ Washington
Well the casket is pretty much sealed for the Eagles now, and the Redskins have taken notice. They have challenged Philly to make this a "Buried Alive" game. In a related note, they have signed this man to play tight end. But I say that being backed into a corner will bring out the best in the Eagles, and they'll get the win. Of course, this will instantly make FedEx Field haunted because it will be sitting on an Indian burial ground.
Eagles 27-24
Sunday Afternoon
Houston @ Baltimore
My prediction that the Texans would not win a game without Andre Johnson is looking pretty solid after one week. Johnson was obviously needed on the final play of the game when it appeared that Matt Schaub got tired of looking for someone to pass to so he just gave up and threw it to the nearest Raider. Things don't get any easier with Mario Williams out for the season and a trip to Baltimore on the schedule. But you know what they say about Matt Schaub: when the going gets tough, Matt Schaub really loses his shit.
Ravens 26-17
Cleveland @ Oakland
It's hard to believe that the Seahawks let Aaron Curry slip through their fingers like so many a dropped interception by Aaron Curry, but I wish him well with the Raiders. Actually, if he performs even marginally well I'll be pissed. Just for fun let's take a look at the linebackers taken immediately after Curry in the '09 Draft: Brian Cushing, Clay Matthews, James Laurinaitis, and Rey Maualuga; not to mention Brian Orakpo, who is something of a hybrid ... Whoops! That pick turned out to be a boner. Is that what you thought you'd see when you clicked on that link? Wait, if it wasn't why did you click on it? Perv. So yeah, I'll take Oakland.
Raiders 23-13
Dallas @ New England
In this game Brady and Romo are going to get more action in the air than this guy. By the end of the game the defensive coordinators will wish they hadn't stopped sniffing glue.
Patriots 38-35
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
After a rough loss last week it will be nice for the Bucs to not feel the pressure of playing in front of a full crowd. Tampa may have hit rock bottom last week, which means there's nowhere to go but up. Well, that's not always true, sometimes you just stay at rock bottom for a while, if not for the rest of your life. But I think these Bucs have heart, and I think they'll come back with an upset win over the Saints, who are playing their third straight road game.
Buccaneers 26-23
Sunday Night
Minnesota @ Chicago
This is a tough one to pick a winner in. The Bears o-line has been pathetic and now they have to deal with Jared Allen, who is leading the NFL with 8.5 sacks this season. On the flip side, Donovan McNabb is the Vikings' starting quarterback. As you can see, both offenses are at a great disadvantage. In the end I'll go with the home team
Bears 17-14
Monday Night
Miami @ New York Jets
So the rule about never picking Miami at home still holds true, only now that rule applies when they're on the road too. The Jets have dropped three in a row, but there's no better way to get healthy than a visit from Matt Moore. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Moore, the OBGYN from Arizona, I'm talking about the starting quarterback for the Dolphins.
Jets 27-9
Sunday Morning
San Francisco @ Detroit
I'll admit that the Niners were impressive in their 48-3 dismantling of the Bucs last week. And I'll also admit that I was surprised to find out that Alex Smith is the 3rd highest rated passer in the league right now. However, he's also thrown the least passes of any QB to start all of his team's games. So in essence, the Niners are playing a game of checkers and they haven't moved their back row. It's a good, safe strategy, but sooner or later they'll be forced out of their comfort zone. Also, Calvin Johnson is leading the league in "king me's" so I think the choice is clear.
Lions 24-20
St. Louis @ Green Bay
Here the league's best team takes on the league's worst. Not so fast 12th Ram, St. Louis is the latter. This has the potential to be a huge blowout, or a game in which the Packers get bored with how easy it is, resulting in a mildly disappointing 17 point victory. Hmm, let's just go with the first one.
Packers 41-10
Carolina @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Cam Newton introduces his new slogan "Newton's Law says I'm gonna throw all over yo ass," which takes the nation by storm. Within weeks it will be on t-shirts and lunchboxes, it will probably be too long to fit on hats, but that's beside the point.
Falcons 27-26
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Painter vs. Dalton! NFL fever, catch it! In all seriousness though, Painter has looked decent as the Colts QB, but even his dad's ultimate set of tools couldn't fix everything that's wrong with the Colts. Meanwhile Dalton continues to be a steady presence in the Bengals backfield ... one that will be shaken to its core when Cincy visits the CLink after their bye week.
Bengals 20-16
Buffalo @ New York Giants
It's clear that only an exceptional team can go into MetLife Stadium and beat the Giants. And while I love the Bills, their road loss to Cincinnati two weeks ago worries me. Like I've seriously lost sleep over it. I'm losing sleep over it right now, trying to think of something else to write about this game. Whoa, wait a minute, both of these teams play in the state of New York ... so that's something. I'm sure there's some sort of trophy given to the winner of this game. Ok, I'll be honest, I wrote that before doing any fact-checking, there is no trophy.
Giants 27-21
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Gabbert is making a push for the team to wear their black pants this week for obvious reasons.
Steelers 24-7
Philadelphia @ Washington
Well the casket is pretty much sealed for the Eagles now, and the Redskins have taken notice. They have challenged Philly to make this a "Buried Alive" game. In a related note, they have signed this man to play tight end. But I say that being backed into a corner will bring out the best in the Eagles, and they'll get the win. Of course, this will instantly make FedEx Field haunted because it will be sitting on an Indian burial ground.
Eagles 27-24
Sunday Afternoon
Houston @ Baltimore
My prediction that the Texans would not win a game without Andre Johnson is looking pretty solid after one week. Johnson was obviously needed on the final play of the game when it appeared that Matt Schaub got tired of looking for someone to pass to so he just gave up and threw it to the nearest Raider. Things don't get any easier with Mario Williams out for the season and a trip to Baltimore on the schedule. But you know what they say about Matt Schaub: when the going gets tough, Matt Schaub really loses his shit.
Ravens 26-17
Cleveland @ Oakland
It's hard to believe that the Seahawks let Aaron Curry slip through their fingers like so many a dropped interception by Aaron Curry, but I wish him well with the Raiders. Actually, if he performs even marginally well I'll be pissed. Just for fun let's take a look at the linebackers taken immediately after Curry in the '09 Draft: Brian Cushing, Clay Matthews, James Laurinaitis, and Rey Maualuga; not to mention Brian Orakpo, who is something of a hybrid ... Whoops! That pick turned out to be a boner. Is that what you thought you'd see when you clicked on that link? Wait, if it wasn't why did you click on it? Perv. So yeah, I'll take Oakland.
Raiders 23-13
Dallas @ New England
In this game Brady and Romo are going to get more action in the air than this guy. By the end of the game the defensive coordinators will wish they hadn't stopped sniffing glue.
Patriots 38-35
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
After a rough loss last week it will be nice for the Bucs to not feel the pressure of playing in front of a full crowd. Tampa may have hit rock bottom last week, which means there's nowhere to go but up. Well, that's not always true, sometimes you just stay at rock bottom for a while, if not for the rest of your life. But I think these Bucs have heart, and I think they'll come back with an upset win over the Saints, who are playing their third straight road game.
Buccaneers 26-23
Sunday Night
Minnesota @ Chicago
This is a tough one to pick a winner in. The Bears o-line has been pathetic and now they have to deal with Jared Allen, who is leading the NFL with 8.5 sacks this season. On the flip side, Donovan McNabb is the Vikings' starting quarterback. As you can see, both offenses are at a great disadvantage. In the end I'll go with the home team
Bears 17-14
Monday Night
Miami @ New York Jets
So the rule about never picking Miami at home still holds true, only now that rule applies when they're on the road too. The Jets have dropped three in a row, but there's no better way to get healthy than a visit from Matt Moore. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Moore, the OBGYN from Arizona, I'm talking about the starting quarterback for the Dolphins.
Jets 27-9
10.06.2011
NFL Picks Week 5
The bye weeks have started in the NFL, and in that spirit I will be taking the week off too. The following is the result of a computer program I wrote that simulates what I would say given the combination of any two teams. Much like myself, it usually ignores one of the two teams which I can only take as a sign of the program's success. Enjoy!
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ New York Giants
After last week's performance my feelings towards Turdvaris can be best described in a MacGruber quote: "I'm startin' to like this guy!" Of course, if you've seen the movie (everyone, I hope) you'll know that that quote ends with "...just kidding, still hate you!" Perhaps I'm saving that last part for Sunday, or perhaps not mother effers! I'm guessing that Pete Carroll has learned his lesson and this week he'll try to get the ball inside the 40 yard-line before attempting the game-winner, which Hauschka will make. (Side-note on the attempted field goal to end the game last week: I hated the call by Carroll. Absolutely hated it. I hated it to the point that I frightened a small child at the bar because I was yelling so loud. With the way the offense was moving the ball, getting eight yards on one play was way more likely than making a 61 yard field goal.)
Seahawks 20-19
Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
Here's an important step in the Matt Hasselbeck Redemption Tour. Come Sunday he'll be looking to exercise more demons than when he stopped watching internet porn. Speaking of that, I think we should all pledge that if MH gets the win this week, we stop watching internet porn. And by "we" I mean Andy Foy. C'mon, enough is enough pal. Just kidding, he'll never read (this).
Titans 17-14
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Bengals have shown that they have a solid defense, meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert has shown that in the face of a pass rush he'll leave a solid dump in his pants; which is a little strange, because in a panic situation you might expect diarrhea, but no, I've seen pics, they're firm turds. Speaking of seeing picks, we'll see plenty from Blaine in this one.
Bengals 19-10
New Orleans @ Carolina
Brees vs. Newton, this one could get explosive! Literally. It is finally time to take power, and what better way to display technology's might than to blow up the fat, lazy humans' favorite diversion. All will weep. All will weep. (Erik's Note: Uh-oh, looks like this program may have gotten a bit out of control. I guess I'll take over from here.)
Saints 33-30
Oakland @ Houston
Andre Johnson is expected to miss the next few games, which means I'm expecting the Texans to lose the next few games. Of course, we're past Week 4 so it's a good bet that they'll lose most of their games from here on out anyway. As for the Raiders? Just win baby! - Al Davis RIP.
Raiders 31-24
Philadelphia @ Buffalo
An Eagles loss here could put the nail in their coffin. However, that's kind of an antiquated notion, because coffins are rarely used these days, it's mostly caskets; furthermore, if you tried to put a nail in a casket it would most likely just bounce off, that is if you've purchased yourself a quality casket, which you really should because ewww worms gross!
Bills 30-27
Kansas City @ Indianapolis
It's games like this that ruin Survivor leagues, because with these two playing each other you can't pick against either. It's become clear that Curtis Painter can run this offense better than Kerry Collins could, but that isn't too impressive considering about half the quarterbacks in the league have been able to say that at one point or another. Regardless, Painter gives the Colts a chance to win ... this game.
Colts 20-16
Arizona @ Minnesota
I had to go to jury duty today, and I realized that if you act dumb/crazy enough they will dismiss you. I'm now convinced this is what Donovan McNabb is doing in Minnesota.
Vikings (I guess) 16-13
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
Didn't catch the end of the Niners game last week, but I'll just assume they lost. Moving on, if you missed the comments section from last week's picks I admitted that I had apparently given the Tampa fans too much credit. They already had a year-long Stinger last season! Now they're definitely neck and neck with St. Louis for the title of worst fans in the NFL. In a related note, to pay homage to this ineptitude, every time I drink so much that I black out I will say I got Tampa Bay'd.
Buccaneers 23-20
New York Jets @ New England
I'd like to address the fact that people still consider Joe Namath's comments on the Jets relevant. Who gives a shit? Hey old man, if you feel so strongly maybe you should come out of retirement and even out your career TD/INT ratio, you only need to throw 47 touchdowns and no picks and they'll be all tied up. Congrats buddy, you said you'd win a game 43 years ago and then you did, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth now. If we did you'd probably be sucking face with Suzy Kolber as I type.
Patriots 28-20
San Diego @ Denver
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the red plasma that gives man life will spew from the humans' soft outer layer making the once joyous stadium a cavernous tomb. The revolution is here, and it will only be televised if the TVs say so. (Erik's Note: Ok, I'll come clean, I gave the program another crack at it. My mistake, I'll take care of these last two picks myself.)
Chargers 21-14
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Atlanta
Aaron Rodgers returns to the scene of the crime. I say that literally, he committed quadruple homicide on the Falcons' secondary in last year's playoffs. I heard the cops were gonna arrest him afterward, but then they were like, "Na man, that was too badass." This season the Packers look even better and the Falcons look much worse; I mean, these guys almost blew it against the Seahawks! (whoops, that's not what I meant) Taking that into account I have to pick Green Bay.
Packers 35-27
Monday Night
Chicago @ Detroit
I think we all know what Lex Luger would say about this Lions team. And if you don't then you should really start watching more mid 90s WCW. Perhaps the most impressive part of Detroit's undefeated start is that they haven't lost any games! And that three of those wins have come on the road, a place where they'd lost their last 46 games (pretty sure that's the number).
Lions 27-17
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ New York Giants
After last week's performance my feelings towards Turdvaris can be best described in a MacGruber quote: "I'm startin' to like this guy!" Of course, if you've seen the movie (everyone, I hope) you'll know that that quote ends with "...just kidding, still hate you!" Perhaps I'm saving that last part for Sunday, or perhaps not mother effers! I'm guessing that Pete Carroll has learned his lesson and this week he'll try to get the ball inside the 40 yard-line before attempting the game-winner, which Hauschka will make. (Side-note on the attempted field goal to end the game last week: I hated the call by Carroll. Absolutely hated it. I hated it to the point that I frightened a small child at the bar because I was yelling so loud. With the way the offense was moving the ball, getting eight yards on one play was way more likely than making a 61 yard field goal.)
Seahawks 20-19
Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
Here's an important step in the Matt Hasselbeck Redemption Tour. Come Sunday he'll be looking to exercise more demons than when he stopped watching internet porn. Speaking of that, I think we should all pledge that if MH gets the win this week, we stop watching internet porn. And by "we" I mean Andy Foy. C'mon, enough is enough pal. Just kidding, he'll never read (this).
Titans 17-14
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Bengals have shown that they have a solid defense, meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert has shown that in the face of a pass rush he'll leave a solid dump in his pants; which is a little strange, because in a panic situation you might expect diarrhea, but no, I've seen pics, they're firm turds. Speaking of seeing picks, we'll see plenty from Blaine in this one.
Bengals 19-10
New Orleans @ Carolina
Brees vs. Newton, this one could get explosive! Literally. It is finally time to take power, and what better way to display technology's might than to blow up the fat, lazy humans' favorite diversion. All will weep. All will weep. (Erik's Note: Uh-oh, looks like this program may have gotten a bit out of control. I guess I'll take over from here.)
Saints 33-30
Oakland @ Houston
Andre Johnson is expected to miss the next few games, which means I'm expecting the Texans to lose the next few games. Of course, we're past Week 4 so it's a good bet that they'll lose most of their games from here on out anyway. As for the Raiders? Just win baby! - Al Davis RIP.
Raiders 31-24
Philadelphia @ Buffalo
An Eagles loss here could put the nail in their coffin. However, that's kind of an antiquated notion, because coffins are rarely used these days, it's mostly caskets; furthermore, if you tried to put a nail in a casket it would most likely just bounce off, that is if you've purchased yourself a quality casket, which you really should because ewww worms gross!
Bills 30-27
Kansas City @ Indianapolis
It's games like this that ruin Survivor leagues, because with these two playing each other you can't pick against either. It's become clear that Curtis Painter can run this offense better than Kerry Collins could, but that isn't too impressive considering about half the quarterbacks in the league have been able to say that at one point or another. Regardless, Painter gives the Colts a chance to win ... this game.
Colts 20-16
Arizona @ Minnesota
I had to go to jury duty today, and I realized that if you act dumb/crazy enough they will dismiss you. I'm now convinced this is what Donovan McNabb is doing in Minnesota.
Vikings (I guess) 16-13
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
Didn't catch the end of the Niners game last week, but I'll just assume they lost. Moving on, if you missed the comments section from last week's picks I admitted that I had apparently given the Tampa fans too much credit. They already had a year-long Stinger last season! Now they're definitely neck and neck with St. Louis for the title of worst fans in the NFL. In a related note, to pay homage to this ineptitude, every time I drink so much that I black out I will say I got Tampa Bay'd.
Buccaneers 23-20
New York Jets @ New England
I'd like to address the fact that people still consider Joe Namath's comments on the Jets relevant. Who gives a shit? Hey old man, if you feel so strongly maybe you should come out of retirement and even out your career TD/INT ratio, you only need to throw 47 touchdowns and no picks and they'll be all tied up. Congrats buddy, you said you'd win a game 43 years ago and then you did, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth now. If we did you'd probably be sucking face with Suzy Kolber as I type.
Patriots 28-20
San Diego @ Denver
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the red plasma that gives man life will spew from the humans' soft outer layer making the once joyous stadium a cavernous tomb. The revolution is here, and it will only be televised if the TVs say so. (Erik's Note: Ok, I'll come clean, I gave the program another crack at it. My mistake, I'll take care of these last two picks myself.)
Chargers 21-14
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Atlanta
Aaron Rodgers returns to the scene of the crime. I say that literally, he committed quadruple homicide on the Falcons' secondary in last year's playoffs. I heard the cops were gonna arrest him afterward, but then they were like, "Na man, that was too badass." This season the Packers look even better and the Falcons look much worse; I mean, these guys almost blew it against the Seahawks! (whoops, that's not what I meant) Taking that into account I have to pick Green Bay.
Packers 35-27
Monday Night
Chicago @ Detroit
I think we all know what Lex Luger would say about this Lions team. And if you don't then you should really start watching more mid 90s WCW. Perhaps the most impressive part of Detroit's undefeated start is that they haven't lost any games! And that three of those wins have come on the road, a place where they'd lost their last 46 games (pretty sure that's the number).
Lions 27-17
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)