New Book Accuses "Miracle" Team of PED Use

ANAHEIM, LOS ANGELES, CA - "It’s time the truth came out." Ranch Wilder, former Angels broadcaster said Wednesday. Wilder’s new book "The Syringe Had Wings," which hits shelves next Tuesday is said to "blow the lid" on the miraculous Angels team that made an inspirational run to the pennant years ago. In his book, Wilder makes bold claims of rampant steroid use throughout the Angels clubhouse. "You don’t even have to look at the numbers," explained Wilder, "Just watch some of the game film. I mean what about that catch that (Ben) Williams made where he leapt about 12 feet in the air. Or how about in that very same game where (former Angels catcher, Triscuitt) Mesmer shattered his bat and still hit a home run. You’re gonna tell me these things are natural?"

No one is safe in Wilder’s scathing crusade, including beloved pitcher Mel Clark. "Clark was the most obvious case." Said Wilder, "You tell me how a 45 year-old pitcher who had been steadily declining for the last 5 seasons all of a sudden starts throwing like he’s Steve Nebraska."
Wilder’s book uncovers an intricate delivery system of the PEDs, which were referred to under the code name of "Angels." According to Wilder, the "angels" were provided by a local woman named Maggie Nelson who used an abandoned children’s halfway house as a front for a sophisticated drug ring. As if this wasn’t shocking enough, Wilder goes on to report that the steroids were delivered to the ballpark by the orphaned children themselves. The most frequent delivery person was a young boy named Roger who later confessed that the only reason he participated was because Nelson told him his father would take him back if the Angels won the pennant. Roger became such a regular guest of the team that he was even given front-row seats near the dugout so that he could more easily drop-off the banned substances. "Maggie Nelson is a sick individual who shamelessly involved children in her twisted drug empire," expounded Wilder, "She is really a despicable human being."

Wilder reports that the treachery didn’t stop with performance-enhancing drugs, claiming that the Angels resorted to other underhanded tactics such as drugging the opposition. Wilder claims that visiting teams’ food would be doped with mild tranquilizers, thus altering their play in a negative manner. "How else do you explain the Oakland A’s making 19 errors on one play?" Asked Wilder, in reference to an infield hit that resulted in an inside-the-park home run for soft-hitting utility man Danny Hemmerling.

When approached for comment, former Angels manager George Knox only said, "I’m not here to talk about the past. Besides, I’m not being honest with myself right now, so how do you expect me to be honest with you?"