NFL Picks - Week 10

Sunday Morning

Kansas City @ Buffalo

This is a pivotal match-up between 5-3 teams in the thick of the crowded AFC playoff race. It's like a packed restaurant that doesn't take reservations and doesn't have a waiting list. You have two options, either stay alert and scramble to get a table when it opens up, or decide that it's not worth it and bail. Of course, there's also the third option of standing conspicuously close to someone's table and staring at them while they eat until they get so uncomfortable that they leave. The Chiefs seem like a team that's willing to scramble and perhaps even shove their way to a table when the opportunity presents itself. The Bills, on the other hand, are pretty beat from a long work week and they'd rather just go somewhere familiar where they know they can get seated immediately (read: home in January).

Chiefs 20-16

Miami @ Detroit

Both of these teams have won three in a row, though the Lions' last two victories have come by a combined two points. That would indicate to me that they're hanging on by a thread. Even though Detroit's most likely getting Calvin Johnson back on Sunday it seems like the point in the season in which the wheels start to come off for the Lions. Over the last two seasons Detroit has gone 9-7 in the first half of their schedule, and 3-13 in the latter half. This is their ninth game, so they're officially into the second half. GULP.

Dolphins 23-20

Dallas @ Jacksonville

Is there any way to really know what will happen in this game? The mere chance of Brandon Weeden participating tells us that no, there is no way to accurately predict the outcome. He's like a wild card that somehow ruins your entire hand. You know it's bad when they're not sure whether to play you or a guy with a semi-broken back who just took an overseas flight. I think that the lack of a quality defense on the other side of the ball will allow the Cowboys to get the win either way. But don't be surprised if the Jags take this one, because you shouldn't let anything surprise you at this point, you must always be prepared, just like Brandon Weeden.

Cowboys 24-17

San Francisco @ New Orleans

The Forty-Niners are on a troubling slide due to consecutive losses, or so it would seem. Back-to-back losses are nothing new for San Francisco, having already gone through it once this season. In fact, they lost consecutive games on two separate occasions last season as well. So the lesson to be learned is that if the Niners lose a game you can assume they'll lose a second. But a third? That would be unheard of. Though when you think about it, isn't everything unheard of until you hear it for the first time? Is that a stupid statement? Yes. But is it a poignant one? No. I just think they're going to lose.

Saints 27-23

Tennessee @ Baltimore

The Ravens usually don't lose at home and the Titans usually don't win. Anywhere. Seems like a pretty simple recipe for a Baltimore W. Add Zack Mettenberger and stir.

Ravens 34-17

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets

Ben Roethlisberger has thrown for 12 touchdown passes over the last two games. The Jets have thrown 8 touchdown passes this whole season. That's a ridiculous stat, but hey, the Jets are a ridiculous team. They have to be salivating looking at this match-up though, because once they finish losing they get to have their bye week; a magical seven day stretch in which they don't have to embarrass themselves in front of friends, family, and the nation as a whole.

Steelers 31-16

Atlanta @ Tampa Bay

Remember the last time these teams met? Josh McCown imploded, literally. He caved in upon himself and was never heard from again. Until this week! He's back and better(?) than ever. McCown will be getting the start this week, a piece of news that was revealed to us by Mike Glennon himself, the man that is being benched in favor of McCown. Professional move by the Bucs, letting the benched QB make the announcement of his benching. It's like those public shaming punishments in which people have to wear signs in public explaining their crimes. Unfortunately for Tampa it's because of their new starting QB that I'm picking Atlanta. You didn't honestly think you could embarrass Mike Glennon and get away with it did you? Not in my house.

Falcons 30-23

Sunday Afternoon

Denver @ Oakland

The Raiders are getting closer and closer to winning their first game. They're making progress and could soon get over the hump. If this were a sports movie the montage would be starting right about now. Of course, even with a very successful montage over the last half of the year the most they could hope for is 6 or 7 wins, which would make for a pretty shitty movie. But hey, if you're an Oakland fan wouldn't you take pretty shitty at this point?

Broncos 35-20

St. Louis @ Arizona

Boy these Rams are frisky. Frisky like an annoying cat that won't listen to humans who know better. We're trying to keep you alive you stupid cat, just help us help you! Much in the same way that a cat has nine lives, the Rams have at least nine losses every season. This game should provide them with their sixth and send them well on their way to another losing season. And sooner or later we'll have a dead cat on our hands.

Cardinals 24-13

New York Giants @ Seattle

The Seahawks continued their trend of playing one solid half per game in last week's win over the Raiders. This time, however, they started out hot and held on as opposed to previous weeks when they scrambled to score at the end of the game. At this point it would be foolish to ask for them to string together an entire four quarters of excellence, but if they could manage three out of four that should be good enough and would be a step in the right direction before the schedule becomes a gauntlet.

Seahawks 27-17

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Green Bay

Ah, Bears/Packers, a tale as old as time, song as old as rhyme. In fact, this game is played so often that I'm pretty sure I've used that same exact opening line before. Luckily this site has no one to hold me accountable ever since Bobby Bateman went missing years ago. While the Packers suffered a setback their last time out, the Bears seem to be in a free fall with their season and, in turn, their lives spiraling out of control, completely untethered to society. After another loss this week Jay Cutler will most likely decide that it's not worth, call it quits, and go completely off the grid. After that, my guess is you'll never hear from him again.

Packers 34-24

Monday Night

Carolina @ Philadelphia

Rejoice! Mark Sanchez is back! What sort of boner plays and wacky hijinx will he have in store for us this time around? The nation will have a front row seat as he takes on another lousy top 5 draft pick: Cam Newton. Bad news for all the Panthers fans out there, Monday is Sanchez's birthday, and from what I've heard he's only got one wish ... an iPhone 6. And if he gets it his spirits should be riding high enough to carry him and his team to victory. Side note: Monday is also Cam Newton's half birthday, but as we all know half birthdays don't count. Shut up Cam.

Eagles 26-19

NFL Picks - Week 10 Thursday

Cleveland @ Cincinnati

We're halfway through the season and it's time to separate the men from the boys in the highly competitive AFC North. And seriously, why are they continuing to allow boys to play in the NFL? It's a violent sport even for full grown men, so just imagine the toll that it must take on a child. Kudos to these two teams for finally addressing the issue and removing the boys from competition with the men. The Bengals haven't lost yet at home; they've tied, but that's not a loss wise guy. And while they've been far from dominant in their last two wins I think they'll have the edge here.

Bengals 31-20

NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Cleveland

It pains me to say this, but I'm starting to lose faith in Mike Glennon. The 1-6 Bucs rank last in the league in offense and defense. That's actually pretty impressive. Pathetic and sad, but impressive. This week look for Tampa to continue to courageously defy the odds and play terribly in every facet of the game. Godspeed gents, you're the real heroes.

Browns 24-12

Arizona @ Dallas

This game is resting on Tony Romo's back. Quite literally. Jerry Jones told the media this week that Romo's status will come down to pain tolerance, effectively throwing his quarterback under the bus if he's unable to play. Unfortunately, being under a bus is a terrible spot for a man with a back injury. Even if Romo does go he could be one hit away from leaving the game or being ineffective, leading me to begrudgingly take Arizona.

Cardinals 22-21

Philadelphia @ Houston

Last week J.J. Watt mockingly feigned a selfie after sacking Titans QB Zach Mettenberger tweeted a picture of himself prior to the game. This week he'll take on Nick Foles, who I'm told likes to sell off his game used equipment on eBay. Seeing as how Watt likes to mock online activity, if he brings down the Eagles' QB he'll have no choice but to remove something from his person and auction it off in the stands during the game. Depending on his deadline and whether or not he has a "buy it now" option this process could take J.J. some time and cause him to miss considerable game action. The Eagles have had trouble pulling out games late on the road, so it would behoove them to allow Watt to get a sack right around the start of the fourth quarter, getting him off the field and neutralizing the Texans' pass rush.

Eagles 27-23

New York Jets @ Kansas City

The Chiefs are starting to come on, while the Jets continue to make fans shout, "Come on!" The Geno Smith experiment appears to be over, with the initial hypothesis of "Geno Smith is a starting quarterback in the NFL" failing to have been proved. To be fair, the scientist behind the whole thing was a bit insane.

Chiefs 26-10

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

The Bengals won last week on the strength of what many are calling a dubious offensive pass interference call. But those folks are overlooking the fact that the penalty was called against Steve Smith (Sr.), and any call against him is believable and justified, just like Michael Madsen's performance in Sin City. You'll notice that I haven't written much about this actual game yet; there's a reason for that. If the Jags would like me to pay attention to them they'll need to put together a couple of respectable performances. Same goes for you Michael Madsen.

Bengals 34-17

San Diego @ Miami

The Chargers have not won in Miami since their playoff classic in January of 1982. A shocking stat until you consider that that's only 7 games, and that very few of the players on either rosters had anything to do with more than one of those contests. So what was the point of even bringing it up? Don't ask me, I just scour the 'net for hot takes and then cobble them together in this space. In case you couldn't tell I've spent a lot of time on Michael Madsen's IMDB page the past few days.

Chargers 24-21

Washington @ Minnesota

Both of these teams are coming off road wins ... I know, it doesn't seem right, but I double checked it and it's accurate. So which squad will capitalize off of their unfamiliar momentum? Washington is foolishly starting Robert Griffin III over folk hero Colt McCoy, more or less squandering whatever chance they might have had. If you have Paul Bunyan on the roster, you don't sit him down. And I know what you're thinking, Bunyan was way more suited to the college game and his throwing style can't work in the pros. Well answer me this, who's tackling the guy? I don't care what his release point is, just let him run the ball 40 times a game. Washington's hubris and RG3's rust will result in a loss.

Vikings 17-13

Sunday Afternoon

St. Louis @ San Francisco

These teams met less than a month ago, and in between their cities' baseball teams played an NLCS against each other. San Francisco got the upper-hand on both occasions, and now they greedily seek another feather in their cap. When will enough be enough? How many feathers can one cap possibly hold? You already have multiple NFC Championship game feathers, though I guess there's only one NFC Champion feather in there, and even that feather doesn't take up nearly as much space as a Super Bowl champion feather. So, I suppose the Niners aren't being as greedy as I thought. Have another feather, there's still plenty of room on that cap.

49ers 27-13

Denver @ New England

Manning/Brady! Eeeeeeeee! I can hardly contain myself. I'm literally bursting at the seams. Seriously, someone call a doctor for me; I can't operate a phone due to burst finger seams. I knew I shouldn't have gotten that elective surgery to have my skin removed and then sewn back on. The surgeons even told me there was a 60% chance of my seams bursting, if I got too excited about something. Well, live and learn, and then spend the rest of your life without any skin. It's hard to pick against the Broncos at this point, but I'm brave enough to do just that. Who's with me? Up top! Give me some skin! Seriously, I'll need multiple grafts, if you could spare some it would be a big help.

Patriots 31-28

Oakland @ Seattle

The Seahawks have been a bit drowsy in the first half the last two weeks, being outscored 27-9. While they've rallied in the second half to outscore their opponents 30-10 in those games just imagine the success they would have had if they'd come out sharp from the opening whistle. Well guess what, daylight savings time ends early Sunday morning. We get our hour back baby! All of that extra rest, plus the fact that this kickoff is at 1:25 anyway and taking place inside the CLink should add up to a solid Hawks performance. As long as Derek Carr doesn't pull a Mike Glennon.

Seahawks 30-10

Sunday Night

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

With what we've seen so far from these two teams this game promises to be as entertaining as it is wacky; just like Weird Al. If he has any semblance of availability they need to get him to play halftime. And just in case everyone in attendance didn't read these picks they could simply make an announcement over the PA system explaining the entertaining/wacky correlation between W. Al Yankovic and the teams. Missed opportunity if it doesn't happen. I'll assume it does and that W.A.Y. provides a morale boost for the home team.

Steelers 33-30

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ New York Giants

The Colts' defense gave up 0 and 51 points in consecutive weeks. That's the first time in the history of the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE that a team has given up 50+ points following a shutout. In case you're wondering, no, I did not research that, but it has to be true, right? And if I'm wrong may God strike me dead at this very ...........................

Oh wow guys, look at this, he was writing some sort of rudimentary picks column for young kids. I mean, I don't watch any football, I'm too busy trying to save lives as an EMT, but even I can tell that there is practically zero insight here. What does Michael Madsen have to do with anything? And why is he so obsessed with Mike Glennon? What's that? You resuscitated him? Oh, nice work .........................

 Haha, nice try God! I'm going with Indy, and a feeling of invincibility.

Colts 31-24 

NFL Picks - Week 9 Thursday

New Orleans @ Carolina

A lot of people will ridicule this battle for first place in the NFC South between two sub .500 teams, but I, for one, think it's fantastic. It's a division full of underdogs, so you can root for them all! The Saints have yet to win on the road and the Panthers have one win in their last six games, so somebody will have to get things straightened out. Or they'll both play poorly and we'll foolishly praise whoever wins. I say the Saints get their first win away from home because Cam Newton is a pretty lousy quarterback who cares more about rehearsed celebrations than anything.

Saints 23-20

NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Dawn

Detroit @ Atlanta

Rise and shine, and then reevaluate your life because you woke up at 6:30am to watch the Lions and Falcons. This is technically a home game for Atlanta, which means they at least have a shot at winning. But their chances basically vanish when you take into account that they're still fielding the Falcons' defense, a unit that has been abysmal outside of their game against a Bucs team that had yet to hand the keys over to Mike Glennon. Given the chance Glennon would have shredded these guys too. The Lions have one of the worst rushing offenses in the league, and it could catch up to them down the road, but seeing as how nothing could catch up to them on a road when they're overseas they'll probably be fine this week.

Lions 27-17

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

I remember when this season was fun. That's over; now it's a fight. A fight for every inch. If only the Hawks would have heeded the words of former Miami Sharks coach Tony D'Amato sooner they might not be in this situation. There's still plenty of time to get things on track, so why not start now? The main area in need of improvement is pass rush, where the D line has pressured opposing QBs on a fewer percentage of drop backs than any team in the league. That's a troubling stat. Find a way to fix that and the dominoes should fall into place. Wait, is it bad when dominoes fall? Look, the point is: find a way to create pressure.

Seahawks 27-20

St. Louis @ Kansas City

Oh, what tricks will those impish pranksters from St. Louis have up their sleeves this week? Perhaps a disappearing ball, or the classic headless quarterback play. Whatever the case, I'm sure we're all in for a fanciful show full of merriment and whimsy.

Chiefs 30-16

Houston @ Tennessee

The Texans have lost three of their last four, and are in serious need of a win. Good news gang, you're heading to Nashville! The Titans aren't the worst team in the league in terms of actual record, but they're probably the least watchable squad. That could actually cause this to be a close game. Houston will get so bored watching their opponent that they'll actually zone out for a few plays here and there, resulting in some points for the Titans. In the end though, some smelling salts and amphetamine-laced Gatorade should keep the Texans attentive enough to get the win.

Texans 23-13

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay

Every so often a game comes along that makes the nation stop in their tracks, sit down in front of the TV and watch in awe. Then there are games that make the nation go have picnics. Vikings/Bucs ... see you at the park.

Buccaneers 19-17

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

The Ravens have a solid game and a half lead over the Bengals in the AFC North, but Cincinnati already bested them in Baltimore in Week 1, so this contest looms large. The Bengals' defense, once imposing is now decomposing. In the first three weeks they gave up an average of 11 points per game. In the three weeks after their bye they have allowed more than 35 points per game. The most logical explanation is that all of the defensive players made the most of their bye week and contracted debilitating STDs. I'm guessing they'll be in remission come Sunday, and the home crowd will will (not a typo) them to victory.

Bengals 30-27

Miami @ Jacksonville

After three straight solid performances these Dolphins seem legit. But are they so legit that when presented with a tough situation they will choose not to quit? That remains to be seen. Meanwhile, the Jags have also put together three consecutive decent performances. I'm not so sure I'd call them solid though, maybe gelatinous. And as we all know, jell-o can be delicious, especially when it's thrown in for free as part of a Skippers value meal, but it's no substitute for solids. Unless, of course, you've just had a tonsillectomy. And if that's the case you can just stop reading now. If you don't have tonsils get the hell out.

Dolphins 24-20

Chicago @ New England

One team's trending up, the other is trending down. And in this internet world where clicks are king that's the only thing that matters. Speaking of, I think I'm going to start posting more throughout the week. Nothing to do with football though, mainly just videos involving animals in which you won't believe what happens next.

Patriots 30-21

Buffalo @ New York Jets

The Jets have acquired Percy Harvin, which should give their offense more punch. However, it remains to be seen if he'll quickly be able to assimilate to a new squad. Tough to say. Could take him a couple weeks, could take him 18 months. The key is patience and giving him whatever he wants.

Jets 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Philadelphia @ Arizona

I know what you think. You think I'm going to say "this match-up is for the birds!" Well forget it. I'm giving this game the reverence that it deserves. This is a clash between two 5-1 teams that could prove pivotal in the NFC's pecking order. Ok yes, I realize that even using the word "pecking" is going in a direction that I said I wouldn't. But give me a break, alright? Don't ruffle my feathers. Uggh. That's it I'm done.

Cardinals 23-20

Oakland @ Cleveland

The Browns suffered an embarrassing loss to the Jags last week. No better way to get back on track than to have the Raiders come to town. In fact, they should just start doing that as a service. Instead of actually trying to field a competitive football team, which obviously isn't working, they can just be hired out on a weekly basis to come to your stadium and help your team work through their problems. Something like a football therapist or prostitute. Wait, are we sure this isn't what's already happening?

Browns 26-13

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers have been up and down all season, losing one week and winning the next, literally, on their way to a 4-3 record. Expect a game with huge swings in momentum when they play the Colts, another team known to vacillate wildly. In their last five games though, Indy has managed to come out on top and I see them making it six in a row. Otherwise it will disrupt Pittsburgh's perfectly predictable pattern, which, in turn, would disrupt my picks, and probably the delicate ecosystem that we currently take for granted. Ball's in your court Indy, don't blow this.

Colts 31-26

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ New Orleans

What has happened to the Saints? Oh, they've lost 4 games? Thanks for the update, I haven't watched much of them this year. See, you're not so useless after all. After doing some quick research I noticed that those 4 losses all came on the road and that this particular game is being played in New Orleans. Is it possible that the Saints rise to the occasion at home to knock off a hot Green Bay team? Sure, why not. Will I regret that pick? Sure, why not. Would I like a burrito for lunch? Sure, why not. Are velcro shoes better than lace-ups? Sure, why knot. Aaaand scene.

Saints 27-24

Monday Night

Washington @ Dallas

Colt McCoy is getting the start for Washington. He's returning home to Texas to show everybody what he's made of himself in the big, bad, real world. Hopefully those folks are easily impressed. By the way, I'm not sure why I wrote anything beyond the first sentence; that was the pick in a nutshell.

Cowboys 28-14

NFL Picks - Week 8 Thursday

San Diego @ Denver

It's a midweek match-up for masters of the AFC West. And I do mean masters. The winners will be able to send down decrees that the rest of the division must follow. What sort of tyranny will the victors impose? Impossible to know, but I imagine it will be much worse if Manning wins; the guy's a megalomaniac.

Broncos 31-23

NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ St. Louis

There comes a time when you need to look at yourself in the mirror. For me it's about 15 times a day, just to make sure the trains are still running on time. For the Seahawks it's this week. Time to address the mistakes and mediocre play that has plagued them for the past month or so and move past them, into the 21st century. If they're soliciting any advice, I'll just throw out the possibility of staying committed to the run even if you're down by a score, generating a pass rush even if it involves scheming, and/or Percy Harvin running some routes down the field, . Then again, what do I know? I'm barely even keeping my head above water with these picks. Better make it a 16th mirror visit today.

Seahawks 24-13

Atlanta @ Baltimore

Did you see the FlacMan last week? Homeboy was slangin'. Slangin' to the tune of 300 yards and 5 TDs, notching a victory over Mike Glennon in the process. Now FlacMan takes on the Falcons and Matt Ryan, a man whose career has been intertwined with Flac's ever since they were both drafted in the first round  and took their teams to the playoffs in 2008. They're like Damon and DiCaprio in The Departed. Which now begs the question, which one's which? I'm going to say FlacMan equals Damon, which means Ryan shouldn't stand near any elevator doors on game day.

Ravens 33-24

Tennessee @ Washington

Someday you'll be able to tell your grandchildren where you were when you saw Whitehurst vs. Cousins. And this is the reason they'll have no respect for you.

Redskins 23-16 

Cleveland @ Jacksonville

The Jags missed a long field goal last week that would have given them their first win of the year. It would have been by the score of 17-16 ... exactly the score I predicted! Thanks a pantload Jacksonville. And yes, I'm saying that to the entire city. It's everybody's fault. It takes a village to build a football team, and a shitty village makes for a shitty team.

Browns 24-20

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

Here's a a marquee match-up between two teams jockeying for position in the AFC playoff picture. The Bengals should have no problem jockeying, since it involves whips, and as we know, they're into ties as well. Real sex freaks. That sort of perversion has no place in today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. And it's for that very reason that I'm taking Indy.

Colts 31-27

Minnesota @ Buffalo

Teddy Bridgewater suffered a letdown against the Lions last week, leading the Vikings to a paltry 3 points. Now he's set to make his first road start. Get ready for another let down Teddy, because you're going to Buffalo. I'm not necessarily saying you'll lose, but you have to travel to Buffalo, so either way ...

Bills 20-13

Miami @ Chicago

It's the Wannstedt Bowl! Expect to see a lot of fake mustaches in the crowd honoring the man that once coached both of these teams. And don't expect a dry eye in the house when ol' Dave himself strolls out to midfield to perform his autobiographical one man show at halftime (abridged due to time constraints, of course). If the players aren't fired up for this one then they don't have a heart. Expect it to be close with both squads vying for Wannie's favor.

Bears 27-24 

New Orleans @ Detroit

Poor New Orleans had to go on a bye week just after they'd generated white hot momentum with a desperate overtime victory over Tampa at home. That's just unfair. The NFL's equivalent of a cock block. Now they head to Detroit to face a Lions team that has been surprisingly defensive this season, leading the league in fewest yards and points per game. Detroit will be without Calvin Johnson once again, but if their offense can put up 20+ points against a terrible Saints D, that should get the job done.

Lions 26-21 

Carolina @ Green Bay

The Panthers are coming off a tie, and in their history they are 0-0 after such games. 0-0, another tie. Everything evens out. Yin and yang. Duality of man. Time is a flat circle, especially when you're tied. It doesn't take too much detective work to uncover that a loss here would leave Carolina at a triangularly symmetrical 3-3-1. Makes too much sense.

Packers 31-21

Sunday Afternoon

Kansas City @ San Diego

At first glance this seems like an obvious pick; the powerhouse Chargers over the mediocre Chiefs. But let's dig a little deeper. San Diego is playing at Denver this coming Thursday and could get caught looking ahead. Kansas City has been solid ever since Week 1, and desperately needs a win to keep their head above water. These factors add up to result in my upset special of the week. NOTE: the bylaws of the upset special of the week dictate that even if I get the pick wrong I am commended for my bravery.

Chiefs 24-23

Arizona @ Oakland

The Raiders put together a surprisingly competent game last week and now seem poised to notch their first victory of the season. Until you consider the fact that they have the worst running game in the league and they're going up against one of the best run defenses. I think I'll pass on the Raiders (though their pass D is surprisingly decent).

Cardinals 26-16

New York Giants @ Dallas

When one team plays a better game you just have to tip your cap and give them the credit they deserve. And it's with that in mind that I would tip my cap to the Eagles if I were a Giants fan. Man, they got killed, real pathetic stuff. Things won't get any easier for New York this week as they go against a team that's good now I guess, which seems dumb and wrong, but whatever, they'll blow it soon. Maybe not this week, but soon.

Cowboys 30-17

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Denver

All this talk about Peyton Manning going for an NFL record 509 TD passes on Sunday night seems a bit unwarranted to me. Look, I know he's an all-time great quarterback, and that the Niners' defense is missing a few key pieces, but throwing for 509 touchdown passes in a single game is an impossibly tall order; I don't care what the circumstances are. If I had to guess he'll probably throw three, which is nothing to sneeze at, but still well off the pace that the so-called "experts" are predicting.
 

Broncos 27-20

Monday Night

Houston @ Pittsburgh

In this match-up of .500 teams only one can ascend to the glorious land of winning squadrons, filled with milk and honey and fantastical dreams come true. While the other will be cast down to the dark netherworld of failures, dashed hopes, and discontinued childhood favorites. They're here to battle for their lives and it's all for your entertainment. You disgust me.

Steelers 28-23

NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

New York Jets @ New England

This marks the third straight season these teams have played on a Thursday. Coincidence? I think not. This match-up simply can't be lumped in with all the other games on Sunday. It needs the spotlight baby! So many electric story lines. Can the Jets avoid losing 6 in a row? Will the Pats continue their march toward a 38th consecutive AFC East title? Will you watch on CBS or NFL Network? There is no end to the intrigue. I don't even want them to start this game because that means it has to end, and I'll have to wait another 9 weeks for the rematch. I miss it already.

Patriots 34-16

NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Jacksonville @ Tennessee

Shouldn't this game be in London? We're looking at a match-up of the league's two worst teams ... Whoops! Forgot about the Raiders for a minute. If only I could've made that permanent. It's still unknown if Charlie Whitehurst will start this game, and that's just not fair to someone trying to pick the outcome. I'll bank on the assumption that Locker isn't ready and go with the Jags. And I'll live to regret it!

Jaguars 17-16

Baltimore @ Tampa Bay

Glennon almost did it, the son of a bitch. He almost led the Bucs to an upset win in New Orleans. Now Tampa returns home after three weeks on the road. Bad news: the FlacMan is waiting at their doorstep. I'm really torn here, I wish I could pick a tie. But that's not what you folks come here for. You need definitive picks; you crave structure in this constantly shifting landscape. I have to do my part.

Ravens 27-24 OT

Denver @ New York Jets

Rex Ryan recently said that he thinks he will be fired if he doesn't fix the Jets. Bold statement. Conventional wisdom is that a coach can continue to lose forever and hold on to their job in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. Rex has conquered Peyton Manning before, but to be fair he had Mark Sanchez as his quarterback then, and when you have Mark Sanchez as your quarterback anything is possible. With Geno Smith as your quarterback, the ball isn't passable.

Broncos 38-13

Detroit @ Minnesota

Teddy Bridgewater's back. Calvin Johnson's out. Seems like a recipe for a Minnesota victory. Coincindentally the other day I stumbled upon a great Minnesota Victory recipe. In case you didn't know that's a casserole that involves heavy amounts of mayonnaise and cheese. 

Vikings 21-20

New England @ Buffalo

Did you see that Pats/Bengals game last Sunday night? Tom Brady is back! Back to his annoying, overly enthusiastic self. Though it still looked a bit manufactured. Like, I better seem really into this game so that people lay off. I expect Tom Terrific will be a bit more subdued this week, if for nothing else because he's facing that swarming Jim Schwartz defense. Congrats to Schwartz by the way who helped defeat his former team, the Lions, in an early October match-up. Truly a victory worthy of asking your new players to carry you off the field on their shoulders. Congrats Turbo Redface, just when I think you can't be a bigger turbo you shock the world. Your dedication to being a turbo humbles us all.

Patriots 27-19 

Carolina @ Cincinnati

Cam Newton had his wisdom teeth pulled on Wednesday, which I have to believe will have an effect on his play this Sunday. The team docs will probably give him some pain relief pills before the game, but after a few hits and some general game action I imagine that he'll start feeling soreness in his jaw. It will probably become unbearable with just under 3 minutes remaining in the first, right around tooth hurty.

Bengals 21-14

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Two takeaways from the Browns historic comeback win over the Titans last week: Brian Hoyer does not quit; Charlie Whitehurst does. Chaz even put his hair up in a bun during the game, which shows what he was really worried about. Brian Hoyer doesn't have any hair, so he's never distracted. Except if he spots a major babe in the stands, Hoyer loves babes. That's what motivates him: play well, score babes. He has a real chance to shine for the ladies this week in a rivalry game against a Steelers team that has has gone 33-5 against Cleveland over the past 19 seasons. Obviously none of the current players have anything to do with most of those games, but still pretty astonishing domination. Regardless, I say Hoyer brings it for the broads and gets the win.

Browns 30-27

Green Bay @ Miami

The Packers seem to be back in the swing of things after consecutive blowout wins against division foes. Seem being the operative word. Don't trust these guys, not for a minute. They will stab you in the back and start sucking at the drop of a hat. I'm not sure why they'd do that, it really wouldn't be beneficial for anybody involved. But that just proves my long standing thesis: the Packers are idiots.

Packers 31-20

Sunday Afternoon

San Diego @ Oakland

The Chargers are rolling and Philip Rivers looks like a serious MVP candidate. The exact opposite can be said for Oakland's situation. So I guess that would mean the Raiders are standing still and Derek Carr looks like a facetious MVP candidate. There's no reason the Raiders should win this game, but haven't we learned that chaos rules in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE? Isn't there a chance that Oakland rises up and plays their hearts out for 60 minutes? No. Like I said before, "no reason" that they'll win.

Chargers 35-17

Chicago @ Atlanta

Is it too early to say that the loser of this game will have serious trouble making the playoffs? Not if you have a copy of Grays Sports Almanac. No not, that one, the 2001-2050 edition. And in case you're wondering, yes they still manage to fit the results of every single game in every sport into the space of a slim 75 page booklet. You're also probably wondering why, if I truly do have a copy of that almanac, I don't just predict every game exactly correct. Well, I guess I was trying to throw you off the scent. But come to think of it, I could stand to hit a few more directly on the nose. Ok, here's an exacta:

Falcons 34-31

Washington @ Arizona

Does anybody know who the Cardinals' starting quarterback will be this week? Carson Palmer? Drew Stanton? Logan Thomas? A possible mystery fourth option? I'm intrigued by the that last possibility that I just made up. You don't see enough mystery QBs in today's game. Take me back to the days when a graphic would pop up advertising the afternoon games and there would just be two silhouettes with questions marks on the inside. It certainly made for greater intrigue. No matter who ends up behind center this Sunday for Arizona it should be good enough to get by Washington at home.

Cardinals 20-13

Dallas @ Seattle

The Seahawks' opening drive touchdown on Monday night was their first in 15 games. That would be a troubling stat if they weren't 12-3 in those games. Actually, now that I think about it, 3? What the hell? Tighten it up guys. DeMarco Murray comes into this game with 130 carries on the season, a total that is at least 36 greater than any other back in the league, and puts him on pace for 416, which would tie Larry Johnson's record for most in a season. That sort of grind-it-out strategy has worked well for the Cowboys so far, leading to four wins and fewer mistakes from Tony Romo. But what would happen if the run game wasn't clicking? Would Romo be compelled to pass more, resulting in him forcing throws that will inevitably be picked off? Yep.

Seahawks 24-14

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

LeSean McCoy is averaging 2.9 yards per carry. He's constantly running like he's Steven Jackson near the goal line. The Eagles' inability to run the ball or sustain long drives could ultimately lead to their demise. We saw a glimpse of this last week when they nearly relinquished a 27 point second half lead to the Rams. No, not a typo, the Rams. They'll need to get that straightened out ASAP, not PSIP (pretty soon if possible). I think they do enough to get the win at home.

Eagles 31-24

Monday Night

San Francisco @ St. Louis

The Rams have been putting up surprising point totals behind Austin Davis, so maybe I should stop being so hard on them. Or maybe, that's exactly what's fueling this offense. Nobody thinks they can get it done. And well, technically they've only actually gotten it done once. But who's to say this Monday won't be number 2? Me. I say it won't be. Hey, prove me wrong. Please.

49ers 23-20

 

NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

Indianapolis @ Houston

Every Thursday night game this season has been a real stinker, with an average margin of victory of 29 points for the winning teams. All but one of those winning teams have been playing at home. This bodes well for the Texans. Meanwhile, this bods well for the Texans. Seriously folks, what a physique. Why are you looking at me like that? What, one man can't appreciate another man's strength? Ya know if this were ancient Greece the players would all be naked, then what would you say? Ok, this one came off the rails a bit. This should be the closest mid-week contest yet, and if it's not don't blame me; I said should be, it's up to the players now.

Texans 23-20

NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Chicago @ Carolina

After holding their first two opponents to a total of 21 points the Panthers have surrendered 75 over the last two weeks. Why the discrepancy? What am I missing here? No seriously, what am I missing? I haven't really paid attention to this team. Is Kuechly hurt or something? That's gotta be it. So, with Kuechly on the sidelines and the Bears being 2-0 on the road I think I have to go with the visitors here.

Bears 24-20

Cleveland @ Tennessee

The Browns have had a full week off to concoct new, cheap ways to get Johnny Manziel the football. Maybe this time they'll sneak him onto the field in a ref's uniform and when it looks like he's going to spot the ball he'll just take off with it down field. Of course, it will be deemed illegal, and pretty bush league, by the real refs, but that won't stop Johnny Football from flashing money signs and growing zits. In the end though, Cleveland should string together enough legal plays to get the job done.

Browns 23-17

St. Louis @ Philadelphia

The Eagles didn't manage to score any points on offense last week. But, for that matter, neither did the Rams. Some would argue that that was a result of St. Louis not playing a game, but c'mon, do any of us really believe that the Rams would have scored points anyway?

Eagles 30-16

Atlanta @ New York Giants

Here's what I've learned from the Falcons' first four games: they are not nearly as good on the road. Unfortunately for them that's exactly where this game has been scheduled. As for picking Giants' games, this is about how I feel at this point. One thing is for sure, Eli Manning will not just have an average game. As Huey Lewis would say, he's hot and cold, he's got it all, hot loving every night. Ok, I probably should have cut off those lyrics a bit earlier, but you get the idea.

Giants 30-24

Tampa Bay @ New Orleans

Ladies and gentleman, he has returned. Miiiike Glenn-on. Just when you think this guy's buried he wriggles his impossibly slim neck up from the dirt like an earthworm on a dew-soaked morn. He epitomizes the eternal struggle of all living things to make it through another day. All that being said, the Saints should bounce back at home.

Saints 38-23

Houston @ Dallas

Another battle for the illustrious Governor's Cup, which is a real thing. This iteration is surprisingly relevant, with both teams coming into the match-up at 3-1. The Cowboys seem to have stumbled onto a groundbreaking new philosophy of staying committed to the run. It really has those fat cat pundits scratching their heads. I'm assuming that they'll throw caution to the wind and brazenly forge ahead with their run based attack for another week.

Cowboys 27-20  

Buffalo @ Detroit

E.J. Manuel has officially been benched in favor of Kyle Orton. That sounds like one of those classic spoof headlines from The Onion, but I assure you it's true. Another seemingly bogus piece of news coming out of last week: Calvin Johnson had 12 yards receiving. The Bills are 25th against the pass, so look for Johnson to bounce back. Seriously, just watch him the whole game, do not follow the ball. In fact, I'd recommend touching your finger to the screen wherever he is and following his route. If the folks you're watching with complain just punch a hole in the TV and shout, "Now look what you made me do!" The confusion felt by all should squash the tension.

Lions 28-18

Baltimore @ Indianapolis

I tried to warn the Panthers last week that the FlacMan was not to be trifled with, but sometimes warnings just don't make a difference, like when that street sign told me to "stop." Nice try bro. Now it's Indy's turn. When it comes to the FlacMan: tread lightly. However, I get the sense that this will be a classic shootout, with Luck being more fortuitous.

Colts 34-31

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

It's always nice to have at least one team you can count on. Thank you Jags for being so pathetic. They have yet to score more than 17 points in a game, and have surrendered at least 33 in each contest. Blake Bortles takes over now, and just may lead Jacksonville past that seemingly impenetrable 17 point glass ceiling ... in a loss.

Steelers 35-20

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ Denver

Carson Palmer is most likely missing another start. Though I'm not sure that he's even an improvement over Drew Stanton. Though I'm not sure Drew Stanton is an improvement over a broom. Where's Mike Glennon when you need him? In all seriousness though, the Cards' QBs have done enough to win all their games so far, which is more than I can say for Peyton Manning. That loser didn't even bother to play in overtime against the Hawks. He'll probably be out to prove that he isn't a hack against a stout Zona D, and I'm guessing he'll do just enough to win. But if it's tied at the end of regulation don't count on him.

Broncos 23-17

Kansas City @ San Francisco

The national media is really playing up Alex Smith's supposed return to San Francisco. But after doing a little research I found out that Alex Smith has never even played a game in Levi's Stadium. If you ask me, this whole thing is just a fabrication designed to illicit clicks. Well I won't stoop to that level. I do not pander. And pander sounds like panda, so here's a picture of a panda that thinks it's a person.

49ers 24-19

New York Jets @ San Diego

Last week I picked the Jets to beat the Lions, apparently forgetting that Geno Smith is New York's starting quarterback. A mistake I shant be making again! As for this game, I foresee that the Chargers will get plenty of pressure on the Jets' QB, whose name is ... um ... well you know, he's that guy ... Hmm, this is embarrassing. Who's the Jets' quarterback? Well he has to be decent enough right? He should be able to get this win ... PSYCHE! We must learn from our past or else we are doomed to repeat it. Historical reverence yo.

Chargers 27-13

Sunday Night

Cincinnati @ New England

I'm at one of those crossroads in which I have to figure out at what point I stop treating the Patriots as if they're still a top notch squad. I say not just yet. Historical reverence yo.

Patriots 20-17

Monday Night

Seattle @ Washington

Kirk Cousins is coming off of a stunningly abysmal performance with the Seahawks coming to town. In the words of that thug from Dumb and Dumber: Talk about being in wrrrong place at the wrrrong time. I'm imagining that the LOB and the rest of the D looked like this while watching Cousins film.

Seahawks 27-9

NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Minnesota @ Green Bay

Last week I openly wondered whether or not the Packers were any good. Safe to say that more than a few of them read that and used it as bulletin board material prior to their 38-17 waxing of the Bears in Chicago last Sunday. You're welcome gang. Meanwhile, Teddy Bridgewater showed in his first start that he may, in fact, be better than Matt Cassel, a revelation that's left the nation reeling. If that turns out to be true then what other firmly held beliefs may also be false? I shudder to think. Literally. I'm shuddering my ass of right now. FHDSHHDDFFJF. Sorry, had some trouble typing there, on account of the shuddering. I've composed myself and am prepared to make my pick.

Packers 31-21

NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Chicago

At this point I think it's fair to wonder whether or not the Packers are any good. And even if it weren't fair I'd still wonder it. You think I'm worried about being fair? Aww, hell nah. Fair only counts in buses and baseball. Green Bay is 1-2, with their only win being a desperation comeback over the Jets. If you're playing against the Jets and you're the desperate one you know you're in trouble. This week Aaron Rodgers told worried Packers fans to relax. The easiest way to make that happen would be to take your team out of playoff contention as quickly as possible so that nobody has to worry about winning anymore. But something tells me he hasn't thought it through.

Packers 28-26

Buffalo @ Houston

I had a feeling that we were due for a shoddy performance from Ryan Fitzpatrick, and he did not disappoint. Well he disappointed Texans fans, his family, and Ivy league graduates everywhere, but not me. We also saw a typically poor game from the Bills, which we've become accustomed to over the ... Jesus, how many years has it been now? This Sunday only one team will be able to rebound, like that infamous basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and the Albany Armless Warriors.

Texans 20-13  

Tennessee @ Indianapolis

On the surface this might look like a crummy game between a couple of 1-2 teams. But look a little deeper and you'll find that it's really a crummy game between a decent 1-2 team and an increasingly lousy 1-2 team. See if you can guess which one is which. If you've seen any portion of the Titans' last two games you'll know the answer. An "interesting" subplot to this contest is that the winner could wind up tied for first in the AFC South. Try not to shit yourself just thinking about it.

Colts 31-17  

Carolina @ Baltimore

Panthers, what happened? After impressive defensive performances in the first two games they went out and sprayed vomit on national TV last Sunday. And when you're feeling sick it's safe to say that the FlacMan is not what the doctor ordered.

Ravens 24-19 

Detroit @ New York Jets

Last week the Lions proved that they can win without their offense playing well; they probably shouldn't keep testing that out though. If I were them I'd go out and try to score a bunch of touchdowns on every drive. And yes, I know what that sounded like, and yes that's exactly what I meant. Multiple touchdowns per drive. Why not, huh? Where's it say that that can't happen? Ok, I looked it up on Google, and it wouldn't even let me type in the whole sentence before it told me I was wrong. Well fine, I never claimed to be an expert. This feels like one of those games that the Jets win just to make you think they might be decent when they're really not, and one of those games that the Lions lose just to confirm that they're not that great.

Jets 22-21

Tampa Bay @ Pittsburgh

It's rare that you can predict a team to win only 7 games in a season and already know you went too high within the first 3 weeks. But that's where we are with Tampa. If things keep going like this the whole team will be out of work before the end of the year and these old Buccaneers will be asking us to spare some change.

Steelers 34-20

Miami @ Oakland

London, are you rrrrrready?!? Yeah, I don't blame you. The Dolphins have sputtered after an opening week win that had many thinking they were a team on the rise. The Raiders have sputtered after their Super Bowl loss 12 years ago. Gonna go with Miami on this one.

Dolphins 23-15

Sunday Afternoon

Jacksonville @ San Diego

It's rare that you can predict a team to win only 7 games in a season and already know you went too high within the first 3 weeks. But that's where we are with Tampa ... Whoops. Jacksonville. Sorry, bit of a copy and paste snafu there. But that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jags have been truly awful ever since they jumped out to a 17-0 lead in the first half of their opener against Philly. Over the last 10 quarters they've been outscored 119-27. Not ideal numbers.

Chargers 35-14

Atlanta @ Minnesota

It's impossible to see this match-up and not recall images of the classic NFC Championship game these two played after the 1998 season. The most memorable aspect of that contest, of course, was the battle between two aged kickers in which it was finally proven that Andersen was superior to Anderson when Morten kicked the game winner that had eluded Gary. It was a big win ... for Andersens.

Falcons 27-17

Philadelphia @ San Francisco

So far this season in the second halves of games the Eagles have scored 74 points, while the 49ers have scored 3. Leaving us to wonder just how big of a lead San Francisco will need to amass in the first 30 minutes to ensure a victory? I say 21. If they're up by less at the half there's no doubt that they'll lose.

49ers 31-27

Sunday Night

New Orleans @ Dallas

Phew! After going a full three weeks to open the season without seeing the Cowboys in prime time I started to worry that something was wrong. But finally here they are. And it couldn't come at a better time, they're on a two game winning streak! I think their miracle run will come to an end here though. At least you'll be able to tell your kids you were there to see it ... What's that? No kids? Well what are you waiting for? You're not getting any younger. Unless, of course, you have that Benjamin Button disease, in which case that would be exactly what's happening to you. But, if I'm being honest, I'm not even sure that that disease really exists. I mean I know they said it was based on a true story, but I'm willing to bet that they gave it what's known in the biz as the "Hollywood treatment." What does this have to do with this game you ask? Cate Blanchett was telling the story from a hospital in New Orleans, idiot.

Saints 38-31

Monday Night

New England @ Kansas City

Did you know that the Patriots have the fewest yards per play in the league right now? They're moving down the field about as fast as the actual patriots did during the Revolutionary War. Luckily for New England they've had six days to reload their muskets, so expect a good start at the very least.

Patriots 23-20

NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

New York Giants @ Washington

Quite the interesting QB match-up here: Cousins vs. Brother. Cousins continues to impress in relief of RG3, while Eli shockingly put together a solid game last week. It was like someone putting together a coherent sentence while having a stroke. As for this one, I see Cousins coming out on top while Eli is left wondering why it smells like blueberries.

Redskins 27-20 

NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

San Diego @ Buffalo

Clearly the Chargers have the capability to play at superhuman levels. Was it all above board? That's not for me to say, I'm not here to police the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, I'm merely here to pose the question. Meanwhile the Bills are a surprising 2-0. Surprising to everyone except for their head coach Doug Marrone. Just kidding, he's probably also wondering what the hell is going on here. Until they win all of their games though I just won't be able to trust them.

Chargers 27-23

Dallas @ St. Louis

I don't know what to make of this game (and I've already ruled out a hat, a broach, or a pterodactyl). Both teams laid stinkers in week 1 followed by winkers in week 2. Oh what, you've never heard of a winker? That's when a team does much better than you would have thought, to the point that you assume they had something up their sleeve, possibly leading to them winking at the camera afterwards. Needless to say their performances were surprising. The only clue I have as to the result of this contest is that the Rams are playing at the Edward Jones Dome, and that kind of home field (COUGH COUGH) advantage is more depressing than anything.

Cowboys 23-20

Washington @ Philadelphia

RG3 getting hurt was the most predictable thing that's happened so far this season. Predictable and sad, like a Kenan skit on SNL. The Eagles have had to comeback from double-digit second half deficits in each of their first two games, and I wouldn't put it past Kirk Cousins and the gang forcing them to do it a third time. But they'll still do it, because they're masochists. Real sickos.

Eagles 34-26

Houston @ New York Giants

On paper this has Texans win written all over it. So wait, does that make two pieces of paper? I've really lost myself in this one. And maybe it's that type of confusion that has me sniffing a Giants upset. And guess what? It smells awful. But isn't there a little bit of stink in every perfume? Maybe that's just bull shit.

Giants 20-17

Minnesota @ New Orleans

The Saints are 0-2?!? Talk about surprising. An 0-3 start would be downright shocking. Luckily for them they're playing a Vikings team that will be without Adrian Peterson. Originally it looked as if he would play, but the Minnesota brass fittingly pulled the ol' switcheroo on him.

Saints 35-24

Tennessee @ Cincinnati

Each of the Titans first two games have had the final score of 26-10, with them coming out on opposite ends of the result. They're like the Isaac Newton of football. Assuming, of course, that Isaac Newton didn't play football, in which case he would be the Isaac Newton of football. If anybody out there has a photo of Sir Isaac tossin' around the ol' pigskin please send it my way and I will print an immediate retraction. Then again I might not. Just because one event occurred doesn't mean that another event of roughly the same value has to occur as a result; that's just stupid. Anyway, the pick here is obvious.

Bengals 26-10

Baltimore @ Cleveland

The Browns stunned the football world with their victory over the Saints in week 2. Some would even consider it surprising. Now they look to sustain their momentum against a division rival. And no, the division rival is not multiplication. I'm surprised you thought of that though, it's pretty clever; wait no, you didn't think of it, I did. Well that explains that.

Ravens 24-22

Green Bay @ Detroit

Two high powered offenses, get ready for some fireworks! Illegal fireworks. It's a sting! And they're all going to jail. McCarthy, you're busted. Cladwell, see ya. And not just the men in charge, I'm talking the whole teams. By the time the FBI gets done with this game there will be nothing left but an empty field and shame. And in case you were wondering, the FBI I'm referring to is Firework Busters Incorporated. They have their own shirts and they think VERY highly of themselves.

Packers 31-27

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jags let me down in a big way last week, losing by 31 in DC. I called up their team headquarters to chastise them but didn't get very far. I mean the guy on the phone said he was Gus Bradley and even went so far as to facetime with me to prove it, but I just wasn't buying it. As for the Colts, they've dropped their first two, but I hardly think it's cause for concern. Clearly Andrew Luck is just taking things to the next level and setting up a season long comeback.

Colts 30-20

Oakland @ New England

Here's a bit of trivia: Derek Carr currently leads the Raiders with 57 yards rushing. Sorry, did I say "Here's a bit of trivia"? I meant it to read: "Here's the saddest stat of the 2014 season." Be brave Derek Carr, you're the real hero.

Patriots 35-10

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Arizona

Looks like we can add the fact that he's a potty mouth to the ever-expanding list of things to hate about Colin Kaepernick. Kids watch these games, and we've got this guy out there saying God knows what. And to make things even more disgusting he went out and took a dump on the field in the 2nd half. At least that's what it looked like. Safe to say he's probably the worst role model in the league right now. 

Cardinals 23-21

Kansas City @ Miami

Where to start with this one? I know where to finish. My closing will be: "And when the dust settles, and the field slowly reveals itself through the fog, only one man will be left standing. His name will be Scooter. No one will know who he is or how he got there, but they will cheer him for his heroism on this day and they will never forget him henceforth." But yeah, I don't really know where to start.

Dolphins 26-19

Denver @ Seattle

The Broncos are coming to the CLink with revenge on their minds. Unfortunately for them, revenge is a dish best served cold, and that loss to the Hawks last season is still steaming fresh in their minds. As a result, their revenge dish will be sent back to the kitchen with a note that reads, "You're a shitty cook."

Seahawks 30-20

Sunday Night

Pittsburgh @ Carolina

When you think about it these teams are really mirror images of each other. Not sure how? That's why I told you to think about it. Still nothing? Ok, why don't you just e-mail me when you get it figured out.

Panthers 20-10

Monday Night

Chicago @ New York Jets

The Bears put together a stirring comeback last week while the Jets did the exact opposite. A coming stirback? Gross ... I think. After seeing each of these teams play twice it's hard to know what to expect from this game. But hey, isn't that why we watch? For the surprises.

Bears 24-21

NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Well it's been a staggeringly mediocre beginning to the season for me as I now stand at 16-16 after two weeks. But hey, it could be worse, I could be the Bucs, who have now lost to two different backup QBs at home to fall to 0-2. Of course, it would be weird if I were the Bucs. How would that even work? Would it just be me against an entire other team, or would there be 53 different versions of me somehow operating independently of each other. Even if that were the case I have to admit I don't think I'd stand much of a chance; more so than that first scenario, but still not good. As for this particular game, Tampa has shown me nothing to make me believe that they can outscore Atlanta, which is a key aspect to winning.

Falcons 24-13

NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

Miami @ Buffalo

These squads are each 1-0!? Crazy kids. Unexpected? Yes. But hey, "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." That's a Rudy Tomjanovich quote that doesn't really apply in this case since neither of the teams in question are champions; not even close. Yikes, how am I gonna get out of this one ... Hey look over there! It's Rudy Tomjanovich and he's reciting his famous quote: "Never underestimate the heart of a champion." Damn it! Of all the things I could have made up for you to look at I chose the very thing that I was trying to make you forget about. Clearly I'm rusty, as evidenced by my 8-8 opening week record. Time to get back on track with an old stand-by: Miami away from Miami.

Dolphins 27-23

Jacksonville @ Washington

The Jaguars jumped out to a 17-0 halftime lead last week in Philadelphia. Of course, they promptly surrendered that lead in spectacular fashion en route to a 34-17 loss. But the good news is that Jacksonville never even had a 17 point lead all of last season. They're getting closer. As for Washington, it's hard to say. Maybe they just got overwhelmed by a re-energized Houston defense in Week 1, or maybe they just blow. Then again, it could be both. I'm going to go ahead and take Jacksonville because I'm a dreamer.

Jaguars 17-14

Dallas @ Tennessee

Oh Romo. Oh no no no no no. It um, it's ... it's not good Tony. I know he was playing a good defense, but still you gotta show us something. Speaking of showing people stuff ... hey where are you going? That's not what I meant. I was referring to the Titans' dominant victory in Kansas City last Sunday. It's possible that I greatly underestimated Tennessee, which would be surprising because I'm normally excellent at estimating. For example, see that jar of jelly beans over there? If I had to guess I'd say there are 6 in there. I was right, wasn't I? Granted it wasn't very full which made things a lot easier on me, but the fact remains that I was correct, give or take a few.

Titans 30-21

Arizona @ New York Giants

Speaking of NFC East teams that already seem doomed, here are the Giants! It should have been obvious which team I was talking about since the Cardinals haven't been in the NFC East since 2001. You're not from 2001 are you? Still watching Laserdiscs and listening to your record albums? Haha, get a life ya renob (that's boner spelled backwards, which is something that everybody said back in 2001, so obviously you should get it). My guess is that the Arizona defense will cause lots of problems for Eli, because they're in the NFL and will be allowed to put a full 11 men on the field.

Cardinals 23-16

New England @ Minnesota

Ok Vikings, I see ya. Unfortunately I also see that you're playing the Patriots this week, and I can't see them starting off 0-2. And if they do? It may mean the end of the world as we know it. That world being the world in which Tom Brady has a beard. No way he keeps it if they lose again. (NOTE: I wrote that on Tuesday only to see on Wednesday that he's already shaved his beard. Brady, always one step ahead.)

Patriots 26-23

New Orleans @ Cleveland

Both of these teams are coming off wild and wacky Week 1 washouts. If you weren't able to see them let me just paint you a picture. These games had it all: double-digit comebacks, back flip catches, banana peels on the field, players on stilts, a Bane attack. And if you did see the games then SHUT UP! Why are you trying to ruin this for me?

Saints 34-25

Atlanta @ Cincinnati

Impressive and important would be the adjectives I'd use to describe these teams' divisional wins in Week 1. Those are also the adjectives that I often recommend/request people use to describe me. It's yet to happen, but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop. Can't stop won't stop. The Falcons will most likely meet more resistance from the Bengals' D than they did last week against New Orleans. That resistance will frighten and confuse them because they're used to always getting their way, those spoiled little brats.

Bengals 24-19 

Detroit @ Carolina

The match-up between the Lions' offense and the Panthers' D promises to be entertaining. But can we really trust these men to keep their promises? Not after last time. I was left stranded at the amusement park all day. This is a bit of a tricky one, but I think Detroit being away from home will be their downfall; which is weird because you'd think they'd be thrilled to get out of Detroit.

Panthers 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Seattle @ San Diego

So we're officially at the point where the Hawks should run Harvin on the jet sweep every single play until someone shows they can stop it right? You're probably thinking that the very reason it works so well is because of the moderation with which it's used and that overuse would render it ineffective. Fair enough. You kind of sound like an asshole, but whatever. Regardless, it's exciting stuff and I can't wait to watch this team again. And I won't. I'm drinking a pitcher of Zzzquil, wake me up Sunday.

Seahawks 31-13

St. Louis @ Tampa Bay

Disappointing performances from each of these teams last week. Well ok, the Rams' performance wasn't disappointing because it was the Rams, so it was hilarious. But Tampa, what was that? Were you aware that Josh McCown fumbled AND threw an interception on the same play? It was one of the more sad, pitiful things I've ever seen. Like watching a turtle on its back struggling for its life. Hopefully a good samaritan has happened upon poor McCown, picked him up and plopped him back on his feet again.

Buccaneers 24-12 

Houston @ Oakland

"Hello, my name is Derek Carr. You killed my brother. Prepare to AAAAHHHHH ..." (Gets sacked by J.J. Watt). Unfortunately for the younger Carr, this may not be the best opportunity for him to take vengeance against his brother's former team. Even without JaDaveon Clowney on the field the Houston pass rush should be enough to fluster the rookie QB.

Texans 22-14

New York Jets @ Green Bay

It would be unfair to judge the Packers based on their opening game in Seattle. Then again there's no such thing as fair in the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE and Green Bay should be well aware of that by now. They catch a bit of a break this week though as the winless Jets come to town. Yes, I know that they actually won their first game, but it was at home against the Raiders, so it's basically a no win situation.

Packers 27-9

Kansas City @ Denver

The Chiefs suffered the worst defeat of Week 1; getting embarrassed by the Titans at home and losing two key defensive players for the season. BUT ... nope, I got nothing, they're screwed. To make matters worse they have to travel to Denver this week, and the airport there is super weird, like Illuminati type biz.

Broncos 38-20

Sunday Night

Chicago @ San Francisco

It's the grand opening of Levi's Stadium, and from what I hear the WiFi is supposed to be great! And good for them. Some teams need great WiFi as a selling point for their in-stadium experience. Other fan bases just show up, scream their heads off and create the best homefield advantage in all of sport. But hey, there's no one right way to do things. Good luck to you Santa Clara!

49ers 27-17

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Indianapolis

Very intriguing match-up here. With these offenses as volatile as they are anything could happen. I say "volatile," not explosive, because the Eagles caused just as many catastrophes in the first half as they did big plays in the second. Meanwhile, it took the Colts too long to finally get moving consistently in their first contest. But that's what makes these teams exciting, you never know what you're gonna get. It reminds me of that famous Forrest Gump quote. Ya know, "You ain't got no legs Lieutenant Dan."

Colts 38-35

NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

What did we learn from Week 1? At this point it's hard to say anything definitively. However, one thing we can now say for sure is that you can't perform a jumping kick to an opponent's chest/face. Even if you have the ball. And even even if the other guy is a punter. But is it actually in the rule book, or did it just look so crazy that the refs felt obligated to throw a flag? I'm going to guess it's the latter. But who knows, I'm not a ref, I've never claimed to be. The closest I came would have to be when I went to a costume party as Denis Leary's character from the movie The Ref. And in case you're wondering, no, most people did not get it. Anyway, as impressive as the jump-kick was, the Steelers' 2nd half collapse was equally unimpressive. Meanwhile, the Ravens had an opposite experience; running out of time before they could complete a double digit comeback. Clearly Baltimore is the one trending upward here and it would be hard to imagine them losing two straight at home to open the season.

Ravens 24-20

Award Winning NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

New Orleans @ Atlanta

I spent countless hours (ok, 5) researching the Falcons on Hard Knocks. Here's what I can predict from what I've learned: Roddy White won't play a single down because he'll be too consumed with antagonizing William Moore. This will lead to at least one blown coverage touchdown. Pretty foolish Rod. Then again, we already knew he was an idiot.

Saints 30-22

Minnesota @ St. Louis

Poor Sam Bradford, that guy just can't catch a break. Plenty of tears, just no breaks. And so the Rams will now rally behind Shaun Hill. This is familiar territory for the Rams as a franchise, and who knows, maybe Shaun Hill will be the second coming of Kurt Warner. Then again, he could also be the second coming of Shaun Hill. Whoever he is it should be good enough at home against the Vikings. Or at least they'd better hope it is. And isn't hope the most powerful thing we have in this life anyhow?

Rams 16-13

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh

It's Johnny Football time baby! What's that? Brian Hoyer? Well what's his nickname? Doesn't have one!? What's his signature hand gesture? Nothing!? Then what's the point? This drip probably doesn't even have an instagram account. I'm already snoozing just writing about it. In today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE it's more about Q rating than QB rating. That's something Brian Hoyer still has to learn.

Steelers 19-10

Jacksonville @ Philadelphia

It's Gus Bradley vs. Chip Kelly in a battle of second year coaches at the opposite end of the gameplan. Bradley's D vs. Kelly's O will be the marquee match-up. Of course, whenever the other option involves Chad Henne the former is most likely more desirable. While I see the Jags improving overall this season, Week 1 will have a familiar result for them. And a familiar stench. That's more locker room related than anything though.

Eagles 28-17

Oakland @ New York Jets

I'd have a huge amount of respect and admiration for Derek Carr if after it was announced that he was going to be the Raiders' starting QB he tweeted "Vroom vroom." In all honesty I haven't checked, he may very well have done that, but I seriously doubt it. And it's that lack of moxie and wit that will result in him ultimately being a failure. Sorry bra, just gotta call it like I see it, it's how I was raised, don't know no other way.

Jets 26-16

Cincinnati @ Baltimore

This early season match-up could end up deciding the AFC North championship. Then again, with 16 weeks still remaining after this game there are truly infinite possibilities making it virtually impossible to say something like that with any confidence. Yet at the same time it's equally as plausible as any other given permutation. But hey isn't that what makes this game so great!? Literally that last paragraph (or something close to it) is on a plaque in Canton. Pretty sure.

Ravens 24-21

Buffalo @ Chicago

All of Canada will be glued to this one. Their favorite son Marc Trestman takes on the Bills, their de facto national team. Hmm, ok so upon further research I discovered that while Trestman coached for years in the CFL he's actually from Minnesota; and the Bills one game per season in Toronto is played in front of mostly tepid crowds trying to figure out why there are no sticks. So it appears that FOX's boffo ratings in the Canadian demo for this contest are quickly slipping away. Their only chance to salvage this is to tab Alan Thicke to perform at halftime.

Bears 31-20 

Washington @ Houston

There's plenty of buzz surrounding the Texans as this year's version of the Chiefs, a team that will vault themselves from 2-14 straight into the playoffs. I just have one problem with that, Ryan Fitzpatrick. There was a time when I believed in Ryan Fitzpatrick. It was a simpler time and I was a simpler man. I've evolved. Ryan Fitzpatrick's football skills have devolved. I can't in good conscience predict Houston to be a winning team with him as the starter. Can they beat Washington at home though? Sure, why not? I mean, besides the Ryan Fitzpatrick element we just discussed.

Texans 20-16

Tennessee @ Kansas City

I'm not too sure what the Titans have to offer, other than a UW fan's fantasy backfield of Locker and Sankey. In a cruelly ironic twist, I don't see that leading to a lot of Ws.  Meanwhile, the Chiefs have been written off by many as a painfully obvious candidate for regression and I predict no different. Mainly because the type of obvious I like most is painful. I'm a real creep like that.

Chiefs  23-9

New England @ Miami

Is this the season that Tom Brady finally proves he can play in this league? I say yes, Don't give up on this guy just yet, he's gonna surprise some folks.

Patriots 27-20

Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Only two afternoon games? Thanks a pantload Goodell. First the Ray Rice decision and now this? Are you trying to get impeached bro? Anyway, most pundits are concerned about the Panthers' chances this season because they don't have any wide receivers. A quick perusal of their roster will reveal that those "experts" don't know so much after all; in fact, Carolina has multiple players listed at WR. Sometimes you can't believe the hype. That being said I expect the Bucs to actually finish above the Panthers when all is said and done, and this will be the first step. And the first step is the deepest.

Buccaneers 13-10

San Francisco @ Dallas

The 49ers' defense comes into the 2014 season depleted due to a rash of injuries and scumbags. That's good news for Tony Romo and you know I'm not lying, because Tony Romo is no place for fibs (that really took me 5 years?). On the flip side though the Cowboys' D is woeful even when fully healthy so the Niners should prevail. Well, in a just world I'd never claim that they "should," but they probably will.

49ers 31-24

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Denver

In 2013 the Broncos had a record setting offense, apparently. Peyton Manning put up the greatest statistical season ever for a quarterback, so I'm told. All in all, Denver was an unstoppable juggernaut, according to reports. From what I've seen though they'll be hard-pressed to put up double digits. But hey I'll take your word for it.

Broncos 34-24

Monday Night

New York Giants @ Detroit

I've heard that Eli Manning is going to be "let loose" in the Giants' new West Coast offense. Does that mean there were reins on him when he threw 27 interceptions last season? Imagine how many he's going to throw now that he's unshackled. This is going to be great! He's gonna have more embarrassing pics than Jennifer Lawrence.

Lions 30-22

San Diego @ Arizona

Let's all hope and pray that ESPN lets Chris Berman announce this game. Before the first quarter is through he'll reference "standing on the corner in Winslow, Arizona" and going "from Phoenix, Arizona all the way to Tacoma." Then we'll all take a minute to appreciate the national treasure that we are fortunate enough to hear once a year in the MNF booth.

Chargers 20-17

Award Winning NFL Picks - Week 1 Thursday

Green Bay @ Seattle

One of the many fantastic elements that come with the Seahawks winning the Super Bowl is that now every time the crowd at the CLink chants "De-fense" they'll not only be encouraging the D but also describing the Hawks process on a more macro level of defending their championship. In fact, they could chant it when the the team's offense and it would technically still make sense. I wouldn't recommend it though, due to the inevitable confusion and feelings of betrayal from Russell and co. Speaking of that offense, while it was above average last season (scoring the 8th most points per game in the league) the potential for it to explode is there; they just need to dial it up to 11.

Seahawks 27-10

2014 NFL Preview

In the movie Groundhog Day, reliving February 2nd over and over again is Phil Connors' nightmare. For me it's a fantasy. You see it was on that very day that the Seattle Seahawks won Super Bowl XLVIII. To some it was a surprise, but to all(?) of you who read my 2013 preseason predictions it was a mere formality. The time has come again for me to ruin another NFL season for you with shockingly accurate picks both for the final standings in the text to follow and for each game on a weekly basis. Don't believe me? Believe this:

That's right, I'm officially a world champion football prognosticator. What you knew in your heart all along has finally been validated with a comically oversized trophy. But hey, that was last time, this is this time. And with that in mind, let's get started on this time.

*****SPOILER ALERT*****

AFC East

New England   12-4

Miami   8-8

Buffalo   7-9

New York Jets   7-9

AFC South

Indianapolis   10-6

Jacksonville   7-9

Houston   6-10

Tennessee   4-12

AFC North

Baltimore   9-7

Pittsburgh   9-7

Cincinnati   8-8

Cleveland   6-10

 
AFC West

Denver   12-4

San Diego   10-6

Kansas City   7-9

Oakland   3-13

NFC East

Philadelphia   11-5

Washington   6-10

New York Giants   6-10

Dallas   5-11

 
NFC South

New Orleans   12-4

Atlanta   7-9

Tampa Bay   7-9

Carolina   6-10

 
NFC North

Green Bay   11-5

Chicago   9-7

Detroit   7-9

Minnesota   4-12

NFC West

Seattle   16-0

San Francisco   11-5

Arizona   7-9

St. Louis   6-10

As you may or may not have surmised I've predicted 9 of the 12 playoff teams from last year to return to the postseason. That would be an unusually high number in today's NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE (feel free to do your best Ron Jaworski impression every time you read NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE in these posts from now own). But I'm just courageous enough to thumb my nose at logic. So which three teams don't make it back, and why not?

Bengals - There will be too much pressure on Andy Dalton; from opposing defenses, because of his contract extension, and on his lower intestine (all the nerves will lead to constipation). He'll take some time to reevaluate things in the offseason and return for 2015 finally sporting black stripes in his hair.

Chiefs - Their soft schedule was a major factor in their 9 game improvement last season. They had one victory over a winning team. A tougher slate in 2014 will force them back under .500 and leave them with no choice but to recognize what cowards they are.

Panthers - A top notch defense can get you far in this league. Then again sometimes it can't.

Now let's take a look at the playoffs, or as I like to call them the "payoffs" cause that's where the money's made. Did I decide to call them that because of what now seems like a fortuitous typo? It would be foolish for any of us to hazard a guess. Anyway, here we go:

Wild Card Round

Baltimore over San Diego

Indianapolis over Pittsburgh

San Francisco over Philadelphia

Green Bay over Chicago

Divisional Round
Denver over Indianapolis

New England over Baltimore

Green Bay over New Orleans

Seattle over San Francisco

Championship Round

New England over Denver

Seattle over Green Bay

Super Bowl XLIX

Seattle over New England

So there you have it. A repeat. My sincerest apologies to Phil Connors.