NFL Picks - Week 10 Thursday

Washington @ Minnesota

The Vikings may have found their quarterback of the future, and it's the quarterback of their past. Whoa, heavy. Sorry if this just happened after you read that sentence. While Christian Ponder hasn't actually won either of his last two starts, he hasn't been uncomfortably bad like Josh Freeman was when he got the nod. The Redskins defense has been anything but good, giving up the second most points per game in the league. I'll give you one guess which team has given up the most points; hint: their name starts with a J and ends with shitty. I like Ponder to get his first win of the year. I don't like like him, but maybe someday.

Vikings 28-24

NFL Picks - Week 9

Sunday Morning


Kansas City @ Buffalo

Upset alert! This isn't a drill folks, please proceed to take appropriate action. Hopefully you have an upset kit ready at all times for just such situations. If not, here's a list of things I have in mine that could help you get one assembled: rubber-soled shoes, booze, non-perishable canned goods, party poppers, a flashlight, and one of these hats. That's right, I'm calling it, Thad Lewis and the Buffalo Bills will hand the Chiefs their first loss of the year. Wait a minute, Thad Lewis isn't playing? Alright, call off the alert. Still though, you should make sure you have an upset kit prepped.

Chiefs 16-9

Minnesota @ Dallas

The quarterback battle wages on in Minnesota. Who will come out on top in this epic contest between Christian Ponder and Josh Freeman? The nation looks on with one singular thought: "We don't give a shit." Meanwhile, the Cowboys are reeling following a catastrophic loss in Detroit. Of course, if you go to Detroit and don't expect a catastrophe then that's probably your fault. Look for Dallas to rebound in a big way, Michael Cage style.

Cowboys 38-17

Tennessee @ St. Louis

Ram Rule #7: Go away, we're watching baseball. Luckily for the people of St. Louis they will have no scheduling conflicts this Sunday. Does that mean the stadium will be full? Probably not. But it could be three-quarters full, and that's what I like to call progress. If Kellen Clemens can give the Rams merely efficient play they should have a chance, but that may be asking too much.

Titans 17-12

New Orleans @ New York Jets

The Jets have been wildly inconsistent this season. Wet and wildly? No. That's gross. Grow up. New York has put up over 26 points per game in their four wins and only 9.5 points per game in their four losses. So which team will show up this Sunday? Well they've alternated wins and losses so far, which means that after their blowout defeat last week the Jets should feasibly get the win. But they won't, because that pattern doesn't mean anything.

Saints 27-20

San Diego @ Washington

The Redskins put together three quality quarters last week against the Broncos. But you know what they say, three quarters only count in certain laundry machines. If you ask me though that saying is a bit antiquated, I mean, where can you find a laundromat or an apartment building that only charges 75 cents for a load? Not at my place, I'll tell ya that much. It's like, $1.50 for a wash? Who do I look like, F. Scott Fitzgerald? (He was rich, right?). Look, the point is that three quarters just doesn't cut it in the National Football League.

Chargers 31-26

Atlanta @ Carolina

After another loss last week dropped them to 2-5, the Atlanta Falcons are now in

more danger than the Perregrin Falcon was in the mid 20th century before a ban on DDTs and other pesticides and an increased captive breeding effort contributed to a rebound in their population. As for the Panthers, they've recently been displaying an increased captive beating effort. I expect their success to continue.

Panthers 30-23

Sunday Afternoon

Tampa Bay @ Seattle

If the Hawks' win on Monday taught us anything it's that playing offensive line is super hard. The lack of protection eventually made me wonder if it was actually malicious on the linemen's part. But willfully allowing your quarterback to be sacked wouldn't make sense unless this was your quarterback.

Seahawks 27-3

Philadelphia @ Oakland

What has happened to the Eagles' offense? They've scored a total of 10 points over the last two weeks. Fortunately for them they get to go back on the road after their 10th straight home loss. Philly's lost more at home than I used to with my ex-wife. Also a boost to the Eagles' chances will be the simple fact that they don't have to start Matt Barkley this week. That alone is reason enough for me to pick them to beat a Raiders team that has shown that they can both win and lose games. The only thing left for them to prove is that they're capable of tying; but I just don't see it happening this week.

Eagles 24-21

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Baltimore's last four games have been decided by 3 points or less, so clearly they like to stay close with teams. Which makes sense with all of the players they lost in the offseason. It's an obvious case of abandonment issues. The Ravens now fear that everybody will leave them, and if they let a team get too far away they'll never get them back. It's a flawed strategy that's led to a 1-3 record over the last month, but until they learn to trust again the tight games promise to continue.

Ravens 19-17

Pittsburgh @ New England

Tom Brady is off his game. And not just on the field either, from what I've heard he's only slept with one woman all season. Home boy's what we call double-slumping. I haven't seen it this bad since Bret Boone's '05 season when he only hit 7 HRs and had to start hooking up with dudes. The good news for Brady is that the Patriots are 6-2 anyway. The even better news is that Ben Roethlisberger thinks he's the best QB in the league, and if there's one man's judgment that you can always trust it's Ben Roethlisberger's.

Patriots 26-19

Sunday Night

Indianapolis @ Houston

Both of these teams had byes last week, which should leave them well-rested for this contest. Hopefully they didn't rest too long though, like one of those naps where you wake up more tired than when you started. I mean, what's the deal with that? Those shouldn't be called naps, they should be called nopes (and in case you're wondering, yes I did write that last gag while spot-lit in front of a brick wall wearing a sports coat, jeans, and sneakers). Case Keenum is getting the start again for the Texans, and one could make the case that in this case, Case gives Houston a legit chance to win. However, I think the Colts will be just too good. Case closed.

Colts 24-16

Monday Night


Chicago @ Green Bay

This one has all the makings of a squash match. No not a squash match, a squash match. Hopefully that clears that up.

Packers 38-14

NFL Picks - Week 9 Thursday

Cincinnati @ Miami

It's a Halloween foooooooootball spooktacular for ghosts and ghouls alike. I'm sure that the NFL Network will take full advantage of the occasion by showing highlights of former Bengals linebacker Carl Wolfman and Dolphins legend Darnell Dracula. Cincinnati looked scaaaaary good against the Jets last week, but Miami should provide a few more bumps in this night.

Dolphins 23-20

NFL Picks - Week 8

Sunday Morning

Dallas @ Detroit

As of last week it appears that Matthew Stafford has officially crossed the line to where he'll blindly throw the ball to Calvin Johnson in triple coverage. While some would call this a reckless strategy I'd call it devil-may-care. Similar meanings, yes, but I just decided that I didn't feel like using the word 'reckless.' And though this manner of play may come back to bite him some weeks it may actually serve him well against the Cowboys and their 30th ranked pass D. Tony Romo should throw for yards aplenty as well, but in this game they won't be aplenty enough.

Lions 37-34

Cleveland @ Kansas City

It's official, the Chiefs are the NFL's last undefeated team, and I have to admit that I'm impressed. But now Brandon Weeden is coming to town and as a starting quarterback this season he is also undefeated. Oh, wait a minute, no he actually hasn't won any games yet, That's right, I meant to say opposite of undefeated, my mistake. So right, Weeden is total crap, which seems wholly appropriate based on the name of his team. Luckily, for the Browns they announced that ol' B Weeds has a concussion and Jason Cambpell will be getting the start. Still, he's facing a top-notch defense on the road, this doesn't look good.

Chiefs 23-9

Miami @ New England

In last week's loss to the Jets, Tom Brady had what many have called an uncharacteristic performance. But what DO we really know about this character Tom Brady? Has anybody ever heard anything about his past, i.e. when he got drafted or where he went to college? I've done some digging and I have to say that the facts just aren't there, at least not where I've looked. So where's the truth? We're all waiting to hear it. The ball's in your court Mr. Brady.

Patriots 27-20

Buffalo @ New Orleans

Well Thad Lewis did it, he got a win over the Dolphins last week and the Bills are now 3-4. With EJ Manuel most likely returning to his role as starter within the next couple weeks it seems that Thad is merely a fad, though he still gets to play for a tad. Case in point he'll be the starter this Sunday when the Bills travel to New Orleans to take on a Saints team coming off their bye week. This is a tough match-up that doesn't look like it will turn out well for Buffalo, but then again, when does it ever?

Saints 31-19

New York Giants @ Philadelphia

The Eagles have now lost nine straight home games. I've heard of a home-field advantage, but this Sir, is decidedly a home-field disadvantage ... (pause for laughter) ... (still paused? Wow, you guys really liked that one.) ... (Ok, now I'm worried that this laughter is really just being done in a mocking fashion, almost as if you're laughing at me instead of with me, which I now feel obligated to say was not the intended effect. Perhaps if I explained my snide barb more clearly you'd appreciate it. You see, most teams win more often at home for any number of reasons, some of which I'll list right now ... You stopped reading didn't you? Alright, fine! I'll be honest, it wasn't my best material. You want me to admit that I'm running out of things to say? Is that what you want? Ok, fine! It's true! Are you happy now!? Ugh, you are, I can see that smug little smile on your face, What an ass.)

Giants 24-23

San Francisco @ Jacksonville

We're going back to London! Jaguars fans must be thrilled that this is considered one of their home games, meaning that the folks in Jacksonville will only be subjected to watching them in person seven times. And they said these international games are good for nothing. Despite the long flight, things shouldn't be too difficult for the Niners in this one. Also, Jaw Sweatshirt will most likely be a big hit in London, because they love assholes.

49ers 38-10

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Cincinnati

With their win last week the Jets are 4-3, meaning they've already surpassed the win total that I predicted for them in the preseason. Of course, I didn't know that the refs would heavily aide them with game-changing personal foul penalties at the very end of two separate games. If I had known that I'd be some sort of super-prescient mega-picker who's always right; and as my ex-wife would tell you, that's certainly not the case. The Bengals escaped from Detroit with a win last week, managing to beat a quality team on the road in the process. Seeing as how they're much better at home, beating the Jets shouldn't present too much of a problem.

Bengals 20-16

Pittsburgh @ Oakland

After starting the season 0-4 the Steelers have consecutive wins and find themselves only 1.5 games behind the 2nd wild card spot in the AFC. Their turnaround has been the result of dramatically improved defensive play and probably cheating, if I had to take a guess. Look, I'm not saying that they're definitely doing it, but it's at least something to consider. Will they find a way to win against the Raiders this Sunday, nefarious or otherwise? You can bet on it. No seriously you can if you want. I know that gambling is supposed to be illegal, but trust me, there are certain avenues through which to do it if you look hard enough.

Steelers 22-17

Washington @ Denver

The Broncos are no longer undefeated after Peyton Manning's return to Indianapolis. This just goes to show that no one, under any circumstances should ever return to Indiana, there's just no way for it to end well. The Redskins bring a strong running attack to Denver to face the Broncos' #1 rush D. Of course, that number is skewed because teams are usually trailing Denver by a couple of scores, leading them to abandon their run game. Case in point, the Broncos are dead last against the pass. While Washington should be able to put up points it probably won't matter when you consider that their inept defense will be going against the league's best offense.    

Broncos 45-28

Atlanta @ Arizona

This is the easiest game to pick of the week. The Cardinals played the Seahawks last Thursday, which means they'll lose this Sunday. As I'm sure you all know by now, teams are 0-6 the week after they play the Hawks. Sorry Cards, don't blame yourself ... though you should be ashamed of your whining coach who wears a Kangol cap at all times when not on the field.

Falcons 24-17

Sunday Night

Green Bay @ Minnesota

I watched pretty much all of last week's Monday Night Football game between the Vikings and the Giants. There, I admit it. I'm not proud of myself. What I saw was not pretty. Josh Freeman was clearly in over his head, going 20-53 in his first start with Minnesota. The only thing worse would be having to watch this team play another primetime game this week .... Oh shit. I really hope I don't end up watching the whole thing again.

Packers 28-13

Monday Night

Seattle @ St. Louis

The Seahawks' defense will be more than happy to see Kellen Clemens line up opposite them. And as if this team needed any further boost to their spirits, this guy is back. Ram Rule #6: Bend over.

Seahawks 31-6 

NFL Picks - Week 8 Thursday

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

I realize I've been pretty hard on Mike Glennon ever since he became the Buccaneers' starting quarterback, indeed maybe too hard. I'm not even sure he's playing that poorly, hold on let me check his stats ... Oh man. Why did they have to put his picture on the page? Now it's all I can look at. Ok, forget it, I'm definitely picking the Panthers who have won handily in consecutive games behind outstanding play from Cam Newton.

Panthers 24-17

NFL Picks - Week 7

Sunday Morning

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

When I wrote that the Falcons would be desperate for a win back in Week 4 I had no idea just how desperate things would get. They're one more loss away from going to a prostitute and just paying for a W. I mean, they need a win bad. If only there were a team in the NFL that had the guy who made the "Aicha" video as their starting quarterback. Wait a minute ... that team exists! And they're coming to town! Atlanta will surely get back on the right track this week. But they should probably keep in touch with that prostitute just in case.

Falcons 28-13

Cincinnati @ Detroit

I hesitantly picked the Bengals to win on the road last week for the sole reason that they were going against Thad Lewis. And wouldn't ya know it, they almost went ahead and lost anyway, making Thad look thenthational in the protheth. The Lions went on the road and beat the Browns 31-17 last week, the same team that Cincy lost to 17-6 two weeks earlier meaning I have no choice but to pick against the Bengals here. It's just math guys. I didn't do this to you Cincinnati, you did this to you.

Lions 24-20

Buffalo @ Miami

I'd like to publicly apologize to Thad Lewis for my disparaging remarks last week. The guy is clearly a competitor. And the good news is that now the Bills have signed Matt Flynn to be his back-up, meaning that his job is totally secure. Until EJ Manuel comes back, that is. But that won't be this week, and while Thad may give another valiant effort it most likely won't be enough to take out the Dolphins in their hornet's nest of a home stadium. I refer to it as that because much of the upper deck has been so bereft of human contact that it is now rife with hornet's nests. We're talking a Grade 3 infestation.

Dolphins 26-16 

New England @ New York Jets

Tom Brady orchestrated a heart-stopping drive in the final minute to beat the Saints last week. Forget TNT, this guy knows drama. Seriously though, forget about TNT. We all know it's gone down hill ever since Nitro got cancelled. And I mean, if you own your own copy of Shawshank Redemption what's the point? Unless they agree to produce (or at least consider) my script for the crossover mini-series Rizzoli & Franklin & Isles & Bash I really have no interest in supporting that network. The Jets suffered a big letdown last week in giving Pittsburgh their first win, I don't expect things to improve against New England.

Patriots 31-17 

Dallas @ Philadelphia

It's a heavyweight battle for 1st place in the NFC East. And these heavyweights each happen to be 3-3! The Cowboys are 0-2 on the road while the Eagles are 0-2 at home, so something's gotta give! The bottom line is that at the end of the day one of these teams will have an inside track to capture their division title.

Cowboys 41-35

Chicago @ Washington

If you watched the Bears game closely last week you may have seen Jay Cutler smiling on the field. At first I was bewildered, but then I realized that he was probably thinking about the extra days off he'd get before he had to play another football game. Must've been so stoked. Unfortunately for Jay his Fall break is over and now he has to wake up early and go to work. Bummer. I have a strange feeling that Chicago will come out flat, allowing the Skins to get an early lead and hang on for the win. Why? Because sometimes things don't make sense. Like Jay Cutler smiling, or him taking on a second job as a high-priced LA realtor.

Redskins 28-25

St. Louis @ Carolina

Both of these teams exploded for 25 point road wins in Week 6. Where did that come from? How 'bout from yer butt? Ever consider that dorko? Haha, sorry pal, you've been busted. Anyhow, the Panthers have a very solid defense, and while I'm not sure playing at home is too much of an advantage, it's probably not a disadvantage.

Panthers 17-10 

San Diego @ Jacksonville

While I picked the Chargers to upset the Colts last week I didn't think they'd do it the way they did, with a powerful running game and an impressive defensive performance. Philip Rivers didn't have to do it all himself, and he was clearly thrilled that he could count on his teammates. Oh boy. What a sad display that was. Why was he all alone? Does it reveal something about the team chemistry in San Diego that their starting quarterback would be sitting by himself on the bench at the end of a big win? It's quite possible. Does this potential lack of chemistry mean that they'll lose to the Jags? Not quite as possible.

Chargers 31-21

Sunday Afternoon

San Francisco @ Tennessee

The Titans really like to hang around when they have no business doing so, like nerds at a babefest. You gotta hand it to these lame-os, they're mildly persistent. I mean, they'll probably just go away if you ask nicely, but if you don't say anything or don't even notice that they're there they could eventually present a problem. I expect that Tennessee will be asked to leave sometime around the start of the 4th quarter this week.

49ers 27-17

Cleveland @ Green Bay

Brandon Weeden threw a pivotal interception last week when he tried to pitch the ball diagonally up field about 15 yards. To complete that pass would have required an awfully powerful shovel. Who does this guy think he is? The Browns' improbable playoff run has hit a major speed bump with a murderous four game stretch starting this week. And with Weeden at the driver's seat they might not have enough gas to get over it. To be fair though, it's one of those really thin, steep speed bumps that are a total pain in the ass. It's like, are they trying to blow out my tires?

Packers 26-12

Houston @ Kansas City

Outrage ensued after a number of Texans fans cheered an injured Matt Schaub while he laid on the Reliant Stadium turf last week. But to be fair, up until that point Schaub probably wasn't aware that the fans were upset with his poor play, now there's no doubting that he knows exactly how they feel. So kudos to the Houston fans, you got your point across very clearly to that pussy. Thumbs up!

Chiefs 20-16

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

This once classic rivalry has fallen on hard times. These teams come into this match-up with a combined 4-7 record and only 3 Super Bowl titles in the last 8 years between them. Pretty pathetic you two. If anybody chooses to actually watch this game they'll probably see a competitive contest in which the Ravens win late. But again, who cares at this point? TNT is airing Total Recall at the same time, I suggest you watch that instead. Wait a minute, forget I said that!

Ravens 24-22

Sunday Night

Denver @ Indianapolis

Colts owner Jim Irsay provided a bizarre sound bite this week in which he made a veiled attack on Peyton Manning, pretty much saying that he put up "Star Wars numbers," but didn't win enough in the playoffs. Um, what? I don't have a problem with the criticism, just the phrase, "Star Wars numbers." What is that supposed to mean? There are numbers mentioned at times during the Star Wars movies, is that what he's talking about? Or maybe the episode numbers themselves, but those only go up to 6, so that wouldn't make much sense. Someone needs to hold Mr. Irsay accountable for his words and if he won't offer an explanation he should be sternly chastised for being confusing. Enter Manning, exactly the type of QB that can provide such a whooping. I expect Peyton to have another big day, putting up Back to the Future numbers in the process. At the same time, I believe that Andrew Luck will take advantage of the woeful Denver pass D on the way to some impressive stats of his own. I mean, I don't necessarily want to say Jurassic Park numbers, but certainly close. And with that in mind I'm picking Indy to hand Denver their first loss.

Colts 34-31 

Monday Night

Minnesota @ New York Giants

43 years ago a man named Roone Arledge had a funny notion: football games on Mondays. While many scoffed at the seemingly crazy idea, ABC took a chance, and in 1970 they launched Monday Night Football to rave reviews. After decades of success in which the weekly game became widely regarded as the best production in sports we now know that it was all a mistake, because of this game.

Giants 27-20

NFL Picks - Week 7 Thursday

Seattle @ Arizona

Thursday games are never easy, and normally I would rather the Seahawks be playing this one at home rather than have to travel on a short week. However, when I realized that this was the Thursday Night Football intro song that the NFL Network is using I became relieved that it didn't have to be associated with the city of Seattle. That's a load off. Without that godawful song weighing on their conscience look for the Hawks to come out carefree and loose. I expect them to put a lot of pressure on Carson Palmer, even more pressure than his domineering father, Bill Palmer put on him when he enrolled him in private classes with Orange County quarterback guru Bob Johnson at the age of 13. He'll succumb as a result.

Seahawks 27-13

NFL Picks - Week 6

Sunday Morning

Cincinnati @ Buffalo

When injuries decimate your quarterback position who do you turn to? If your answer was Thad Lewis, then you're the Buffalo Bills ... and you're fucked. The Bengals have yet to win on the road this season, and in any other situation it would be tough to pick them. Fortunately for Cincy, this week they're playing against a real Thad thack,

Bengals 23-10

Detroit @ Cleveland

"I believe in Brian Hoyer," is a declaration I made last week. Apparently God doesn't believe in him, because He cruelly struck him down during what was promising to be the most inspirational playoff run in the history of the National Football League. And how did the Browns respond to this adversity? They dropped Brown bombs all over the Bills. These Browns are steamin' hot, but will they be able to stay afloat this week against the Lions? I say yes, they look like they eat plenty of fiber.

Browns 24-21

Oakland @ Kansas City

If I told you before the season that the Chiefs would be 5-0 at this point, what would you have said? Probably something really hilarious but like really intelligent at the same time, because you're so funny and smart. Aaargh, ok, I'm going to stop gushing before I embarrass myself. But seriously, I think you're really great, and I'm really excited to get to know you better before the season ends; but only if you want, I mean if not, that's totally cool, but as for me, I don't have a ton of plans yet, so I'd be down to hang out sometime soon.

Chiefs 24-16

Carolina @ Minnesota

Last week featured a number of intriguing match-ups at 10am, whereas this week there are very few. You could say that we went from feast to ... well, not as much food, like a starved situation, or at best a light snack. Case in point is this stinker of a match-up that Josh Freeman will get the pleasure of watching from the Vikings sideline. While Minnesota could clearly use some help at quarterback they've actually managed to put up a stunningly high 28.8 points per game so far. However, they've yet to play a defense as good as the Panthers', and I've got a feeling that Carolina will get the road victory.

Panthers 22-19

Pittsburgh @ New York Jets

Geno Smith unfurled a magical performance in a Monday night win over Atlanta. Of course, magic and/or witchcraft on the field is strictly prohibited by league rules. It appears that the NFL has decided to cut the rookie some slack though and let the victory stand, but just this once. The Jets shouldn't need anything supernatural this week against the Steelers. New York's D is 2nd against the run, while Pittsburgh is 2nd to last in rushing. This promises to result in Roethlisberger being forced into a lot of passing situations against aggressive pressure. Ben's good at applying aggressive pressure, not receiving it.

Jets 23-17

Philadelphia @ Tampa Bay

Lost in their 0-4 start is the fact that the Bucs ... umm, uh oh, I forgot what I was going to say. Jeez, talk about irony, right guys? I mean, was saying that a fact was lost, and then I lost that very fact myself. Wow, that is just too funny. Sometimes I really crack myself up gang. I think what I was going to say had something to do with the fact that despite being winless Tampa is giving up a respectable 17.5 points per game. Of course, the problem is they're only putting up 11. And this guy is their starting quarterback.

Eagles 25-22

Green Bay @ Baltimore

The game of the morning is this one; in other words, this is the game of the morning. The match-up between the Packers' high-powered offense and the Ravens' re-tooled defense will be one to watch, while FlacMan goes against the Green Bay D, hoping not to botch (another game). The Packers have lost their first two road games, and it doesn't get much easier in Baltimore, where the Ravens rarely lose. But I think Rodgers has a big game and gets the mild upset.

Packers 31-26

St. Louis @ Houston

Watching Matt Schaub has become like watching a guy punch himself in the face. At first it's really entertaining and hilarious, but then when he keeps doing it longer than he should it just gets uncomfortable until finally everyone is crying and begging him to stop. A home loss to the Rams could very well signal T.J. Yates' return as the Texans' QB1. However, if you go back and re-read that last sentence you'll notice that I said 'Rams,' so that loss is probably out of the question.

Texans 27-12

Sunday Afternoon

Tennessee @ Seattle

Something happened last week that we're not going to talk about, but suffice it to say the Hawks should come out angry in this one. Anger is a rare emotional state for a group that spends this much time meditating, but I think it will work out well. Nothing ever goes wrong when blind rage is the motivation.

Seahawks 27-9

Jacksonville @ Denver

This one has the potential to get uglier than the Bucs starting QB. The Broncos have put up over 50 in each of their last two games. The Jags have scored 51 points on the season. Peyton Manning has thrown for 20 touchdowns so far, the Jags have 5 ... total. My guess is that Denver will step off the gas at some point, but not before running over Jacksonville a few times, then stopping and spinning their tires on the Jags carcasses and following it up with a few badass donuts.

Broncos 49-14

Arizona @ San Francisco

The 49ers signed John Skelton last week in an obvious case of subterfuge. San Francisco was clearly looking ahead to this game and interested in any possible advantage they could get over the Cardinals by signing their former quarterback. At least that's the only reason to sign John Skelton that I could come up with. These teams actually have identical 3-2 records, and they both wear red. So they may be more evenly matched than you'd think. Still, I'll go with the home team.

49ers 31-16

New Orleans @ New England

Some folks out there might tell you that this is a Super Bowl preview. Those same folks might tell you other things, like smoking makes you look cool, or train dodging is totally boss. Don't listen to those low-lifes! I don't care if they're always smooching babes and wearing snug pants, they're bad influences. Thumbing your nose at authority, while wildly fun, and really the key to a fulfilling life, will get you nowhere. In a match-up of future hall of fame QBs against improved defenses I'll predict that the Saints lose their first game of the year.

Patriots 24-23

Sunday Night

Washington @ Dallas

The Cowboys put up a valiant effort in their 51-48 loss to the Broncos last week. But you know the old saying: valiant efforts only count in old shoes and oral sex. It might sound crass, but that's just the fact. And it's a shame too, because the brunt of the blame seems to be heaped onto Tony Romo's shoulders. That's simply not fair. Just because he never wins close, important games doesn't mean it's always his fault. Luckily for Dallas, this game isn't important, and it probably won't be too close.

Cowboys 34-24

Monday Night

Indianapolis @ San Diego

Colts coach Chuck Pagano was caught on camera whistling (with fingers in mouth) as Steven Hauschka attempted a field goal in their game against the Seahawks. What a lame-o. I've seen coaches encourage the crowd to get louder by waving their arms in the air, and I have no problem with that. But actually making noise yourself? You're an NFL coach, right? Ok, so stop acting like an amateur. As a result, I'm picking San Diego, which means I'm rooting for Philip Rivers ... aww, rats.

Chargers 30-27

 

NFL Picks - Week 6 Thursday

New York Giants @ Chicago

This contest couldn't come at a worse time for the Giants; because it's a football game. Seriously, things aren't looking good in New York, Eli has thrown 12 picks and the defense is giving up a league-worst 36.4 points per game. That's worse than the Jags folks. There's a sentence that'll make Giants' fans shed tears into their mama mia's googats. While the Bears have been reeling a bit as of late, I think they'll have enough to get by the Giants, who have been reeling harder than Kevin Van Dam.

Bears 30-20

NFL Picks - Week 5

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Indianapolis

The Seahawks looked like the computer in a game of Madden last week. Whoever was controlling the Texans had it set to Pro (or even Rookie) for about the first three quarters, then got cocky and turned it up to All-Madden. Big mistake hot shot. Needless to say that kid broke his controller at the end of the game and now his mom has hidden the Playstation for what she says will be two weeks, but I'll will be 10 days once she cracks under relentless pleading. Andrew Luck probably never played Madden growing up (nerd) so he's likely become very confused reading this; a confusion that promises to last all through Sunday with the Hawks' D out to prove a point after giving up 300+ pass yards for the first time in 13 games.

Seahawks 24-17


New Orleans @ Chicago

This is one of a number of intriguing 10am match-ups, made possible by the fact that the bye week party is taking place in Sucktown and the Vikings, Steelers, Buccaneers, and Redskins are invited. Trimming the fat has left us with some top notch games, which is exactly what we have here. The Saints' offense appears to have become fully operational after their blowout win over Miami; while the Bears looked like who we thought they were in a turnover-riddled performance against Detroit. I expect Drew Brees to stay hot, or at least warm enough, while facing a Bears D that has shown that it's more than willing to give up yards in bunches.

Saints 30-23


New England @ Cincinnati

It's become clear that the Bengals are a much worse team away from home. That's pathetic. I have no respect or sympathy for teams who can't perform at the same level no matter the circumstances. But the good news for Cincy is that they are at home this week. The bad news is that Tom Brady is coming to town, and beside the fact that he's going to plow all the chicks in the area, he's also bringing a four game winning streak with him. Although the Bengals have shown that they can rise to the occasion on occasion. I expect them to do just that and hand the Pats their first loss.

Bengals 27-24


Detroit @ Green Bay

Coming off a bye week at 1-2, the Packers promise to be desperate for a win. At least that's what they promised me, and they better not go back on that, because when someone promises me something and doesn't follow through, I do NOT forget about it. Expect a lot of points, not just on the scoreboard but also tons of solid observations by the announce team.

Packers 35-27


Kansas City @ Tennessee

When the season started this didn't figure to be a game featuring teams with a combined 7-1 record. But, of course, when you figure you make a fig out of u and re ... hmm, that's a stupid saying. The Chiefs have already doubled their win total from last year behind a defense that's allowed just over 10 points per game. Meanwhile, the Titans are 3-1 as the result of ... well, I'm not really sure how they're 3-1, but they are, so let's all just agree to deal with it. However, with Jake Locker being gone for at least a month it's now up to Ryan Fitzpatrick to helm the ship. They say if the shoe fits, wear it. Well, if your quarterback is Fitz, you're gonna wear it.

Chiefs 20-13


Jacksonville @ St. Louis

I'm going to be out of LA this Sunday, but I think I'm going to stop by the Shack on Saturday morning, dial this game's channel up on the Corner Screen, and then place a parental lock on the box so that I'm 100% sure this one gets cornered; because if any contest in this short season has deserved it, this is the one.

Rams 31-17


Baltimore @ Miami

The Ravens learned the hard way last week that you don't just waltz into Ralph Wilson Stadium and leave with a win. Unless you try, that is, which it really didn't seem like Baltimore was doing. FlacMan let down a nation with his 5 interception performance. I'm not sure I can trust him right now, and that hurts. Damn you FlacMan, damn you for making me believe in you.

Dolphins 24-21


Philadelphia @ New York

The prophecy has come true: Chip Kelly has revolutionized the way I think about the NFL. You see, I used to think that a team that leads the league in rushing would also dominate the time of possession and therefore limit the opposition's points. But Chip and the Eagles have proven that that doesn't have to be true, by surrendering a liberal 34.5 points per game. Bravo coach Kelly for not conforming to our rigid expectations.

Giants 31-29


Sunday Afternoon

Carolina @ Arizona

It was just about 25 months ago that Cam Newton burst onto the scene at Arizona with 422 yards passing in his first game as a pro. This season he has 577 yards in his first three games combined. It's safe to say he peaked way too early. And in this game he's going to get picked way too early. And that, my friends, is what they call a mastery of the English language. If I had to guess, the reason for Newton's steady decline is that that kid from the Play 60 commercial is still in his head.

Cardinals 17-14


Denver @ Dallas

We all know Peyton Manning is putting up numbers at a record pace through the first quarter of the season, but now he has to travel to AT&T Stadium where the Cowboys are 19-15 all-time. Peyton's going to have a tough time continuing his hot start against a team who wins at their home stadium more than they lose ... barely. When all is said and done though, I'm betting that 15 moves to 16.

Broncos 41-31


Sunday Night

Houston @ San Francisco

Poor Matt Schaub. It's not his fault that he keeps throwing costly interceptions. I blame the coaches for putting him in those situations, and his own instincts for forcing him to make ill-advised throws. Given the time to actually sit back and assess the throws I'm guessing he'd be the first to tell you that they probably weren't very wise. But alas, that's rarely how football works. I'm guessing he'll have to rely on his instincts at some point again this Sunday, which probably won't turn out very well.

49ers 23-16


San Diego @ Oakland

Oakland always has to one up San Francisco. If the Niners are playing on Sunday night, then the Raiders have to play even later. Look Oakland, you're widely regarded as the superior city in the Bay Area, why do you have to rub it in every chance you get? Just for that I'm picking San Diego; not as a better city, of course, just to win this game.

Chargers 28-24


Monday Night

New York Jets @ Atlanta

The Jets have a better record than the Falcons, which goes to show that picking the outcome of games is futile. As is trying to guess the outcome of one's life. Just let it happen people. Of course, I should be the first to heed this advice, which is why I will no longer be predicting games on a weekly basis.


Just kidding. Put down the gun, or the knife, or the knife/gun (bayonet).

Falcons 27-14

NFL Picks - Week 5 Thursday

Buffalo @ Cleveland

I believe in Brian Hoyer. Is he the most talented quarterback in the league? No. Is he the most athletic? No. Does he look cool? Not really. All I know is that the man's a winner. Seriously, that's all I know, I haven't watched much of the Browns the last two weeks. Can ya blame me? It seemed like they'd given up on their own season so you can't really expect me not to give up as well. But now I'm back on board, and I look like somewhat of a savant for picking the Browns to make the playoffs (feel free to throw 'idiot' in front of savant if you want, see if I care (God I hope you don't, your opinion means everything to me)). It's a foregone conclusion that Cleveland is bound for the postseason now that they've won consecutive games and I'll be laughing all the way to the bank, because I get paid for every playoff pick I get right ... by myself ... from my own bank account ... it's a little pat on the back I give myself ... because damn it, I deserve it.

Browns 20-16

NFL Picks - Week 4

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Houston

I became genuinely perturbed toward the end of last week's game that the Hawks had given up 17 points to the Jaguars. From what it sounds like, the defense felt the same way. The Hawks' D has given up an average of 9 points per game so far, and they're not satisfied. That's an encouraging sign heading into a tough road game at Houston. The Texans laid a stinker at Baltimore last week, so I expect that this Sunday they'll be ready to go ... nowhere!

Seahawks 20-13

Baltimore @ Buffalo

The Flac attack is back! Ok, I just assumed FlacMan had a great game last week because the Ravens won 30-9. Turns out he threw for 171 yards and no touchdowns. A real workman's effort, which is exactly what I mean when I say that the Flac attack is back! This guy game manages with the best of 'em ... and sometimes the worst of 'em. Look, the point is I'm rolling with FlacMan and the Ravens on the road against the pesky Bills, who also happen to be frisky, not to mention sneaky and a little bit dastardly.

Ravens 24-20

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

Well it's official, the Browns are so bad that even when they try to lose they can't. Which actually resulted in a win. While it's a nice morale boost for the gang, it definitely throws a wrench in the works for Cleveland's rebuilding plan. If they can't figure out how to lose more effectively they'll have no shot at the #1 overall pick in the 2014 draft. Does Brian Hoyer care? Awww hell no. Home boy's got a family to feed. Full disclosure: I do not know if Mr. Hoyer has a family, or if said family would even require feeding; I can not say with full confidence that they are not some group of other worldly beings that Hoyer shelters and that do not eat in the same manner as human. That being said, I think the Browns do the job (wrestling style) this week with their intrastate rivals in town.

Bengals 27-17

Chicago @ Detroit

Jay Cutler's teammates seemed very impressed with his willingness to lower his shoulder and run over Steelers DB Robert Golden in last week's win, though I'm not sure they should be. The way I see it Cutler is simply trying to injure as many opposing players as he can every game so that the other team won't be able to field a full squad by the second half and the game will be cut short, allowing Cutler to get off the field ASAP because Jay Cutler hates football. It's really an obvious plan when you think about it. However, he'll meet his match this week as Ndamukong Suh lines up across from him. Suh has a similar "injure every other player" goal, except his is just based off of the fact that he's an asshole. I've always said when it comes to an asshole vs. apathy, take the asshole, especially if he's at home.

Lions 31-28

New York Giants @ Kansas City

The Giants officially hit rock bottom last week in a 38-0 loss to Carolina. But as we've seen before, Eli and crew are just like wild animals, in that when they're cornered they're at their most dangerous. In fact, from what I hear Eli's nickname is Wild Animal. Kind of weird seeing as how that nickname is seven letters longer than his actual name, but hey when it fits it fits. Unfortunately, I'm just not seeing that same ferocity in this year's Giants. Also their offensive line blows.

Chiefs 27-21

Arizona @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs have struggled offensively this season putting up only about 11 points per game. That number is just not high enough to win in the National Football League unless you're playing the Jags on a weekly basis. Unfortunately for Tampa the powers that be did them no favors, scheduling them to play Jacksonville zero times. Also unfortunate for the Bucs, they're starting Mike Glennon at quarterback. Yep this guy. Whoops, sorry that was Whitey from Me Myself and Irene. Here's Mike Glennon. Nope, still Whitey. Here he is. Is that a guy you'd want to listen to in a huddle? Me neither.

Cardinals 17-10

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

The Jaguars are playing a team coming off a win over the 49ers for the second week in a row. And guess what, they're playing the Rams next week, which could make it three in a row. It's apparent that the Jags are merely drafting behind the Niners, waiting for a team to experience a letdown after a big win. You have to admire their clever plan, and I'd imagine that type of gumption will be rewarded at some point. But probably not this week.

Colts 38-13

Pittsburgh @ Minnesota

Let's all hop across the pond back to foggy Londontown! The Brits get the pleasure of seeing one of these teams win their first game of the season, while their home crowds get the relief of not having to sit through another embarrassment in person. Of course, that's not to say that no residents of Pittsburgh or Minnesota will witness something embarrassing in person this Sunday, odds are high that most will. At least this week, though, they won't have to worry about it being their football team, which is what the NFL International Series is all about. There's been a lot of chatter this week about a possible Super Bowl in London. Let's think about this, unless they moved up the kick time the game would start at 11:30pm local time. So that's not going to happen. USA! Sorry suckers.

Steelers 21-20

Sunday Afternoon

New York Jets @ Tennessee

These two teams are 2-1, which is very surprising. But I think it's time to stop underestimating these squads; in fact, I don't see any reason that they can't each get to 3-1. The only thing that would keep that from happening is if they were playing each oth .... ahhhh shit, forgot about that. Ok, Titans get the lone available win.

Titans 16-13

Washington @ Oakland

The Redskins have to win a game at some point, right? Wrong. There's nothing in the NFL bylaws that say that the Redskins have to win at least one game a year, which has to be a major bummer for all the Washington fans out there. This means that the 'Skins are going to have to do this one on their own. And do it they shall, while the Raiders shalln't.

Redskins 24-21

Philadelphia @ Denver

This game promises to feature the most plays in one game in NFL history. It also promises to tie for the most players in one game in NFL history. And with Peyton Manning going up against the Eagles' porous defense even more records could fall. Expect Manning to sling it like nobody's biz. And to be honest, when Manning is slinging it this hard it really shouldn't be anybody's biz. In fact, he really should be slinging in the privacy of his own home.

Broncos 42-29

Dallas @ San Diego

Tony Romo and Philip Rivers have had parallel careers to this point. They both won starting jobs in '06. Rivers' career winning percentage is .617 with a quarterback rating of 95.1. Romo has a career winning percentage of .594 with a rating of 95.9. They're mirror images of each other. And if you look closer, this paragraph has been a mirror image of itself. That's right, it's one long palindrome. You're not actually going back and checking are you? C'mon, don't be a dick.

Chargers 27-24

Sunday Night

New England @ Atlanta

The Falcons will be desperate for a home win to get back to .500, and that's really unflattering. Seriously guys, that type of desperation is just not a good look; no one's ever going to want to come hang out and play football at your place if you keep acting like that. As it turns out, the Patriots aren't supposed to come back to Atlanta for at least a few years, so the Falcons will be able to get away with acting like turbos.

Falcons 26-23

Monday Night

Miami @ New Orleans

The Dolphins have methodically ground out consecutive wins on their way to a 3-0 start, their first since '02. Meanwhile, the Saints have rode a surprisingly impressive defense to a 3-0 start, their first since '09, which isn't very long ago, so that makes for a pretty lame stat, and now all of this explanation has made for quite the run-on sentence, but I'm not going to get down on myself because that's just not productive and if we stop being productive we die, or at least I think that's true, I wouldn't know because I never stop being productive, that's just the way I live my life you guys, on the edge, one quarter mile at a time. As solid as Miami has looked so far I would be very surprised if they got another road win in New Orleans.


Saints 24-16

NFL Picks - Week 4 Thursday

San Francisco @ St. Louis

"We want to be above reproach ..." That's a quote from Jim Harbaugh back in June in reference to player suspensions for PEDs. Apparently by "above reproach" he meant that his players (or at least the best ones) wouldn't have to face blame no matter what. At least it certainly didn't seem like much blame was being placed on Aldon Smith as he was allowed to play in last Sunday's game against the Colts about 30 hours after police found his car crashed into a tree as the result of him driving with a blood alcohol percentage of .15. In a way it's fitting that in their game with Indy the whole 49ers team looked like they were suffering a massive hangover from the week prior. I think that lack of focus, laziness, and general surly attitude continues this week. And I'm sure that after the loss Jaw Sweatshirt will have no problem finding someone else to shoulder the blame.

Rams 19-16

NFL Picks - Week 3

Sunday Morning

Green Bay @ Cincinnati

This could get interesting! Unless you're a nerd who doesn't like football, in which case, get outta here nerd! The Bengals' staunch D will face a stiff test in Aaron Rodgers and the Packers' offense. That's right, it's staunch vs. stiff, and if you're aroused you're only human. And if you're not aroused it's probably because you're a nerd and I thought I told you to get outta here! This is a chance for Cincinnati to make a statement, and that statement will most likely be, "Not quite."

Packers 28-24

St. Louis @ Dallas

The Cowboys managed to amass a measly 37 yards rushing last week while the Rams held the Falcons to only 36 on the ground. So I guess we can assume that  Dallas won't be able to do much via the run, right? Wrong! Did you not start going by that motto I gave you on Turdsday? Hmm, that's disappointing. Until I see St. Louis win a road game against a decent team I can't very well pick them to do just that. That's just one of my Ram rules.

Cowboys 24-16

San Diego @ Tennessee

Whoa Phil Rivers. I see ya, I see ya. This Rivers' still flowin' ... nope. This Rivers is wild ... nope. This Rivers is Philled with passing yards and touchdowns, 419 and 3, respectively, to be exact ... yes. All in all I'm not sure what to make of either of these teams after two weeks, so I'll go ahead and guess that the Chargers won't be able to travel cross country and win back to back 10am games.

Titans 23-20

Cleveland @ Minnesota

The Browns' offense has been constipated so far in 2013, generating only 16 points and ranking 28th in the league in total yards, and without Trent Richardson I can't imagine it getting any better. The only way they could get worse would be if they had Christian Ponder as their quarterback. The Vikings should agree to let him start for Cleveland for this game just so that America can laugh again.

Vikings 19-7

Tampa Bay @ New England

This is a contest between two teams whose locations aren't actually cities or states. Tampa is a city in Florida, but Tampa Bay isn't. And New England is some sort of spin-off from a country in the United Kingdom known as Old England. So it's very possible that this game itself will not be played in an actual location, but on a kind of meta-physical plain that can only be accessed by the truly enlightened and the NFL on Fox crew. The Patriots have been anything but impressive in their narrow wins over weaker opponents, which is exactly what the Buccaneers qualify as, so congrats Pats, you'll be a dubious 3-0!

Patriots 23-13  

Arizona @ New Orleans

The Saints' defense has played surprisingly well to start the 2013 season, surrendering an average of only 15.5 points per game. However, it might be time to note that their offense seems to be struggling at putting up their normally gaudy point totals, averaging only 19.5. What gives? I needed answers, so I contacted Drew Brees for an interview. His response was riddled with profanities and racial slurs, but from what I could gather he said there's nothing to worry about and that the points will start to pile up. Alright, hot shot, I'll take the bait.

Saints 31-17

Detroit @ Washington

The Lions have never won a game in DC. That's 0 for 21. Yikes. Is that the most losses without a win by one team in another's stadium? Probably. Didn't do the research. Sorry folks, that's kind of how I operate, I'll get you halfway there and then you have to figure out the rest (which I'm sure my ex-wife could have told you). Speaking of halves, the Redskins simply haven't shown up in the first half yet this season, giving up an average of 25 points. With another potentially potent offense coming to town it looks like things could go from bad to ugly in Washington.

Lions 38-33

New York Giants @ Carolina

The Giants' defense has been hemorrhaging points in 2013, and they're in serious need of a suture. Enter Don Suture defensive mastermind. He's the only solution to their problems, and I imagine that they'll be getting in touch with him this week. I also imagine a world without hate. But let's take it one thing at a time. Once the Giants get Don Suture on board we can move on to eliminating hate from the Earth.

Giants 24-21

Houston @ Baltimore

These are two potential playoff teams that have both looked fairly shaky so far. So shaky that we might as well call this the Earthquake Bowl! That was a test, if you just got on board with calling it the Earthquake Bowl well then seriously, get outta here nerd! I want to pick both of these teams and neither of them at the same time, so I'll take a chance on Houston.

Texans 20-17

Sunday Afternoon

Atlanta @ Miami

Back in 2010 the Dolphins opened the season with consecutive wins on the road just as they have this year. Early in that 2010 season I developed a theory that the Dolphins played much better on the road because they partied way too hard when they were in Miami and because Sun Life Stadium is quieter than Anquan Boldin in Week 2. Well I'm dusting off that old idea and using it once again. I say a hungover Dolphins squad falls short against the teetotalers from Atlanta.

Falcons 23-18

Buffalo @ New York Jets

In this battle of rookie QBs you'd have to give the edge to EJ Manuel over Geno Smith, mainly because he's playing better. But did you consider that the Jets are 4th against the pass at the moment? I didn't think so. And did you take into account that that includes a road game against Tom Brady? Did you even research this match-up? I expect a low-scoring affair, which promises to be pretty lame, because if you're going to have an affair there ought to be a lot of scoring ... Zing! I expect the Bills to pull it out in the end, which is also something you ought to do in an affair.

Bills 10-9

Indianapolis @ San Francisco

The Niners figure to play much better this week, because they're not playing the Seahawks. Though, I shouldn't poke too much fun at San Francisco, as I greatly underestimated them last week. You see, I predicted they'd score 0 points and they ended up with 3. Lesson learned, I shan't sell you short again lads. Trent Richardson should provide a boost for the Colts, but it likely won't be enough because, again, the Colts are not the Seahawks.

49ers 27-13

Jacksonville @ Seattle

The Jaguars' offense is last in the NFL in yards and points. The Seahawks' defense is first in the NFL in yards and points against. In other words, nothing's gotta give.

Seahawks 31-0

Sunday Night

Chicago @ Pittsburgh

I'm still trying to figure out why I picked the Steelers to make the playoffs. They're 0-2, having managed only 19 points and 75 rushing yards total. In other words these are not your father's Steelers, they're not even the younger you Steelers, I'm not sure whose Steelers they are. I'm guessing they saw my playoff prediction and got overconfident as a result, leading to their shoddy play so far and thus having the effect that I desired all along. That's right Pittsburgh, I screwed ya, and it's too late to do anything about it, the season's almost 13% over. Hahahaha!

Bears 17-14

Monday Night

Oakland @ Denver

When and why did ESPN decide to put the Raiders on Monday Night Football? At that point they must have thought that Matt Flynn was going to be the starter in Oakland. Man do I feel sorry for them, they thought the ratings were going to get that Flynn juice, but now they're stuck with the much less exciting Terrelle Pryor. Not to mention Peyton "Snoozefest" Manning. I know what you're thinking, "How could Manning possibly be boring? He's on pace to throw for 72 touchdowns, which would shatter the current single season record!" To which I would say Get. Outta. Here. NERD!!!


Broncos 38-21

NFL Picks - Week 3 Thursday

Kansas City @ Philadelphia

Much like a migratory bird in the Spring, the man-walrus that is Andy Reid is returning home this Thursday. From what I've seen in the first two weeks of the season he's been sharpening his tusks in preparation (and from what I hear he's going to chop them off after the season and use them for a sick baby grand piano). As solid as the Chiefs look I think the Eagles will get the job done in their home opener. And the"job" that they'll get done is losing. Alright, just goofing, but the point is that you can never relax when reading these posts. Assume nothing, absorb everything. You can have that motto now, it's yours, happy Turdsday everybody! (You can't have that one, that's mine for keeps).

Eagles 27-23

NFL Picks - Week 2

Sunday Morning

St. Louis @ Atlanta

I'm not sure what we learned about the Rams in their 27-24 win over the Cardinals last week except for the fact that they have found their tight end! Finally the endless TV coverage can stop. Too many times I've seen "When will the Rams find their Tight End?" lead off the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions on Sportscenter. But not anymore. Now they can move on to more important queries like "What will Tim Tebow's legacy be?" The Falcons are in need of a win because it's Week 2 and if they lose here they're 0-2. And what about their other 14 games? Will they win ANY of those? You tell me! It's a slippery slope. Scared yet Atlanta? 

Falcons 27-17

Carolina @ Buffalo

In Week 1 we learned that the Panthers may be one of the best teams in the league as they were able to actually stay competitive with the Seahawks. The Bills didn't look like slouches either, managing to take the Patriots down to the wire. So what we have here are two teams that are almost good enough to win which could mean we're headed towards the first double loss in NFL history. Wouldn't that be a nightmare for the league? You can rest assured it would light up the Coors Light Six-Pack of questions, hell they might even have enough for an eighteener. The odds of it actually happening are low though, so I'll stick with a more conventional pick.

Panthers 20-17

Minnesota @ Chicago

A lot of people say that Christian Ponder sucks, but I'd say that he blows. Though, I can't really disagree with anyone who does think he sucks. Let's just all agree that he's heinous and that the Vikings would be better off with a different QB, one that scores a touchdown on every play. With someone like that under center they'd be pretty unstoppable. However, unless they find that guy (or girl; I'm nothing if not progressive when it comes to women getting the same opportunities as men; that being said, I definitely wouldn't pay a female quarterback as much) before Sunday I think they'll be in trouble.

Bears 23-16

Washington @ Green Bay

You guys ready to be 0-2? No? Well tough shit, because one of you has to be after this game; unless you tie. Aww man, you're gonna tie now just to make me look like an asshole aren't you? Fine do it, see what I care! Psst ... hey Packers, just tell the Redskins you're going to tie and then go out and score as many points as you possibly can, I'm pretty sure that's what the Eagles did last week.

Packers 31-23

Miami @ Indianapolis

The Colts nearly lost a home game to the Raiders. Even the Raiders were like, "Seriously?" Maybe it was an elaborate goof, but if you play with fire in this league you're gonna get burned. Of course I'm excluding from that statement the master technicians that arrange fireworks displays for all 32 teams every season, those artisans are far too professional to ever let an injury occur on their watch, but that goes without saying. As for Indy, I think they feel the heat for real this week. Yes, I know that they play in a temperature controlled indoor stadium. And yes, I know that the Miami team in this game isn't the Heat, but they're going to lose, just deal with it.

Dolphins 24-23

Dallas @ Kansas City

The Cowboys gave up the most points of any winning team in Week 1, while the Chiefs gave up the least. What does this mean? Well, probably just that the Chiefs were playing the Jaguars. But you have to appreciate the style in which they won, surrendering only the ever-hilarious point total of 2. The Chiefs were a trendy pick to make the playoffs this season, but not by me. I did pick them to make the playoffs last year, which makes me kind of a hipster right? I was ahead of the trend. Although they proceeded to win only 2 games so maybe I'm just an idiot. I think they'll manage to get another W this week, because a loss would mean that Dallas played well two weeks in a row, which hasn't happened since 1996.

Chiefs 26-24

Cleveland @ Baltimore

Raise your hand if you're an AFC North team that won last week ... Crickets yo! That's right, they're all 0-1 ... and I predicted three of them to make the playoffs ... including the Browns ... whose quarterback is Brandon Weeden. Why didn't anybody remind me of that!? Now I look like a real moron, like a guy who couldn't graduate from college until he was 27.

Ravens 20-14

Tennessee @ Houston

The Titans come into this game 1-0 despite amassing only 229 total yards against Pittsburgh in Week 1. If they think they can do the same in Houston and come away with a win, they'll have a problem. Yes! I did it! I've included the most hackneyed movie reference re-purposed for use in a sports context ever! I'd love to take credit for it but every other writer in the world did it before me. Seriously though, if their offense is that weak again they won't manage to get the win this time.

Texans 27-15

San Diego @ Philadelphia

The Eagles are operating at light speed in Chip Kelly's offense. It seems like that would be exciting to watch, but it actually makes for a strange viewing experience because their offense just appears as a beam of light and you really can't tell what's going on. The referees are left to merely guess at how many points they're scoring. The actual number could be infinite.

Eagles 34-24

Sunday Afternoon

Detroit @ Arizona

In response to the record $100,000 fine levied against him by the league for his superfluous block in the Lions win over Minnesota Ndamukong Suh says that he'll continue to play "blue-collar football." Good for you Ndamukong. Don't let these ivory tower fat-cats tell you not to be an asshole. You just drive your ol' beat up Chevy down to the ballfield and do what you do best: stomp losers and kick dicks.

Cardinals 28-26

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

The Bucs had perhaps the most painful loss of Week 1, falling to a last second field goal that was made possible by linebacker Lavonte David's late hit on Jets' QB Geno Smith. Most people are lambasting David for his bonehead play, but I actually think he did the right thing. You can't just let that young quarterback scamper out of bounds without paying the price. Welcome to the NFL rook! Don't nothing come easy in this league ... except for your first win now that I've shoved you to the ground while outside the field of play. The Saints defense looked competent in their win over Atlanta, which means it will look great against Tampa.

Saints 28-16

Jacksonville @ Oakland

It's possible that the Raiders are one of the worst teams in the NFL, but it's an absolute fact that the Jaguars are. A win for Jacksonville here would flip the bottom of the league on its ear, sending shock waves reverberating throughout the nation. A win for the Raiders would elicit a shrug from millions. Well, start you shrugging practice football fans!

Raiders 22-16

Denver @ New York Giants

Manning vs. Manning. Or as it's said in Latin: Manoing e Manoing. Or as it's said in pig Latin: Anningmay ersusvay Anningmay. Or as it's said in pig: OINK! vs. OINK! The point is whether you're man, beast, or speaker of a dead language you'll be tuning in to this game. It makes you wonder why it's not scheduled for Sunday night. What monumental, history-shaping event could possibly be a more desirable match-up?

Broncos 31-28

Sunday Night

San Francisco @ Seattle

AAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAA!!! That's the sound I'll be making before every 49ers snap on Sunday, but it's also been the only thought running through my head this week (making it very difficult to write this post). One can only wonder what Jaw Sweatshirt will be whining about after this game, but rest assured it will be something, as he's been making a habit of doing just that. If I had to guess he'll be petitioning the city of Seattle for a new pair of pants after messes them due to the noise, the Boom, and the Beast (and also Russell Wilson).

Seahawks 24-0

Monday Night

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

Why is there even a Monday Night game this week? You don't book another fight after the main event (unless you're Paul Heyman).


Bengals 20-13

NFL Picks - Week 2 Thursday

Thursday Night

New York Jets @ New England

Both of these teams won in Week 1 by the skin of their teeth. Ever since Rex Ryan got gastric bypass surgery he's had a lot of extra, loose skin on his teeth, which everybody agrees is pretty gross, but it makes getting victories that way much easier. While the Jets will gladly accept a win in any fashion, the Patriots' last-second escape at Buffalo had to be discouraging for Tom Brady & Co. Co, of course, being Tom's rambunctious 9 year-old sidekick that travels with him everywhere he goes. Yet as disappointed as Tom Brady & Co must have been, New England is still 1-0, and I have no doubt that Co will rouse Tom with one of his famous speeches before the game on Thursday, leading to an inspired performance.

Patriots 24-13

NFL Picks - Week 1

Sunday Morning

Seattle @ Carolina

Let's get it started, let's get it started in here! Why try to put it into my own words when the Black Eyed Peas said it so eloquently (after some light research I found out that the uncensored version says, "get retarded," which just disgusts me as a serious journalist; also it doesn't kick off the season in such a totally sick way!) As we all know my weekly Hawks picks are sort of academic since I always think they'll win, but who knows, maybe this will be the season that I'll do something shocking (Editor's note: Nope!)

Seahawks 23-13

New England @ Buffalo

Due to a rash of injuries and front-office ineptitude the Bills were almost forced to start Jeff Tuel in their opener against the Patriots. Which begs the question, was everybody else busy? Just kidding Coug fans! Sort of. But Buffalo fans breathed a sigh of relief when it was announced earlier in the week that E.J. Manuel would be available to start. Congratulations (question mark).

Patriots 38-17

Cincinnati @ Chicago

A lot of folks are expecting big things from the Bengals this season, but then again a lot of people are idiots, so it's really anybody's guess. Personally, I think they'll win the AFC North and win this opener against the Bears who have a new coach that was in charge of a hockey team at this time last year. And before you say anything, no I did not double-check that, but isn't that part of what makes these the most trustworthy picks on the web? (Didn't double-check that either)

Bengals 20-17

Miami @ Cleveland

These are two squads that a lot of people think might surprise a lot of people, though if a lot of people think that will it really be that surprising when they surprise people? Surprisingly, I say yes!

Browns 24-20

Atlanta @ New Orleans

A huge NFC South match-up to start off the season ... is a phrase that normally elicits yawns across the well-educated region of the country, however, this game should be one of the more entertaining tilts in Week 1. Sean Payton returns to the sideline and I have to imagine that after a full year away his message to his team will be, "Kill the fucking head! Whoever knocks out Ryan gets a Porsche." Intimidated yet Falcons?

Saints 35-32

Tampa Bay @ New York Jets

This game should be played on Revis Island! Am I right everybody!? Of course I'm just kidding, as we all know the stadium construction on Revis Island won't be completed until Summer 2015; though from what I hear that might be a generous estimate. Can you say, "Labor issues?" I know my ex-wife can! She's in the stirrups all, "You did this to me!" And I'm like, "Oh, I made you into a crazy bitch?" I don't think she got the joke because it only seemed to piss her off more, that's when I knew it was over. I'll take Tampa.

Buccaneers 20-12

Tennessee @ Pittsburgh

The Steelers haven't missed the playoffs in consecutive years since the '99/'00 seasons, so after failing to qualify for the postseason last year it would only make sense for them to come back strong. And with that I've accomplished my preseason goal of including since and sense in the same sentence. Might just call it a year now.

Steelers 28-14

Minnesota @ Detroit

It's a bit hard to judge these teams coming into the season, especially for me because I don't judge anybody. Like when I look at a team I don't even see what color their uniforms are, to me that's not what defines a team. The Lions had a gigantic letdown of a season in 2012, while the Vikings shocked everyone with a run to the playoffs. I'm guessing that these teams will meet in the middle this year, and since they're both even it would make sense that my pick is the home team.

Lions 30-23

Oakland @ Indianapolis

Matt Flynn has now lost a presumed starting quarterback job to a young upstart in consecutive seasons. He's basically become a wrestling jobber. They bring him in and the young guy with promise looks much better by comparison. Also, when the starting quarterback gets introduced with fireworks and entrance music Flynn is already out on the field with a jacket on, in true jobber fashion. Speaking of jobbers, it looks like the Raiders' record might be akin to that of a Pez Whatley or a Brooklyn Brawler by the end of the season.

Colts 34-17

Kansas City @ Jacksonville

These teams selected first and second in this year's NFL draft, meaning they were the worst teams in the league. Consequently, a match-up between the two should be relegated to the worst screen at every bar across the country. And I think you know what that means ... we're sending it to the CORNER SCREEN AT THE SHACK! But curious viewers wanting to get a look at the Eric Fisher/Luke Joeckel match-up will most likely provide a healthy ratings bump.

Chiefs 21-16

Sunday Afternoon

Arizona @ St. Louis

It was clear after last year's quarterbacking debacle in Arizona that any replacement would be an upgrade at the position. Then the Cardinals signed Carson Palmer and things became, well, less clear. In all honesty, Palmer is an improvement from what they had last year, he's just not a long-term fix. He's also not a quick fix. Nor is he quick in terms of actual foot-speed, but he was available, so now he's the starting quarterback of the Arizona Cardinals. If the Rams fancy themselves as a playoff contender this has to be a win.

Rams 26-17

Green Bay @ San Francisco

Last season in the Divisional round, Colin Kaepernick shredded the Packers' defense for 181 yards rushing and alerted the nation to just how big of a douche he is with repeated kisses to his biceps. Green Bay clearly had to rethink their defensive strategy in preparation for this game, and from what I hear they've come up with something pretty creative. Apparently they're planting extra hat vendors to roam throughout the stadium with caps from every team in the league. The theory being that Kaepernick will be distracted by all the "fresh" colors that could potentially match his garish outfits. With all of that running through his head he'll have a tough time replicating his past efforts. San Francisco will most likely do enough to pull out the W though.

49ers 27-24

Sunday Night

New York Giants @ Dallas

I was wondering where all that sexy NFC East action was in Week 1, but I should have known that both intra-divisional match-ups would be featured in primetime. It's Eli vs. Romo in a ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Giants 31-28

Monday Night

Philadelphia @ Washington

Is RG3's knee healthy? What will the Eagles' offense look like with Chip Kelly at the helm? Are rhetorical questions the best way to create intrigue? Find out the answers to all that and more at a special 3:55PT start time!

Redskins 24-19

Houston @ San Diego

It's always fun to root against a turbo go-hard like Philip Rivers, though this may be the year in which it just becomes sad. The Chargers promise to be pretty lousy, and I fear that by the end of the season Phil will have lost that competitive fire that made him oh so hateable in the past. Step one will be a lackluster performance on a Monday night. We might as well start calling him Josh Radnor. Ooh, sorry Radnor, I just had to burn ya.

Texans 27-13

NFL Picks - Week 1 Thursday

Baltimore @ Denver

The season kicks off with a rematch of a Divisional Round double overtime classic in which Rahim Moore found out how far Joe"Flac Man" Flacco can throw a football; which turned out to be about two yards farther than Moore originally thought. Normally the defending Super Bowl champs get to open the season at home, but due to a scheduling conflict with their parking lot partner Orioles, the Ravens are forced to start on the road. It's cute that MLB would stand up to the NFL like this, it reminds me of when a small dog barks and nips at a big dog's heels until the big dog eventually just leaves out of exasperation. In those situations I'm always hoping that the big dog will just step on the little one and poop on it's head, which I'm guessing Roger Goodell could do to Bud Selig if he wanted to (now please take a moment to picture in your heads Roger Goodell holding Bud Selig down and pooping on him). But the NFL decided to let MLB have its way, so the Ravens are stuck with a trip to Denver. I expect Baltimore to stumble this season without Ray Lewis frightening the defense into playing well. Peyton Manning is still in Denver and capable of frightening his offense into playing well, so advantage Broncos.

Broncos 27-20

NFL Preview

Hello. It's good to see you (all?) again. I trust that everybody's rested and ready for another long season of puns, retread goofs, and picks that you can trust just over 60% of the time. There hasn't been a game that mattered since January 13th, at which point I was acting a lot like this kid, until I'm pretty sure I blacked out, because I don't seem to remember the very end of the it.

The point is that we haven't had football in quite a while, so let's shake off the rust by giving out a few awards for the offseason:

Most blatantly homosexual comment in all of sports:

WINNER: "Just an Adonis. A great physical specimen of a man. Our creator created a beautiful man."

- Jim Harbaugh, describing a discus thrower that the 49ers signed to play football.

RUNNER UP: "I'm gay." - Jason Collins

Best potential nickname based on a TNT show:

WINNER: The Packers drafted running backs Jonathan Franklin and Eddie Lacy back in April. With Lacy being a more bruising, power back, I hereby submit that this duo should be known as Franklin & Bash.

RUNNER UP: I've heard that the Houston Texans offensive line refers to themselves as Leverage.

Worst Thing:

WINNER: The Jaguars new uniforms. It's not just the two-tone helmets, the jerseys and pants are awful as well. It looks like someone was trying out "Create-A-Uniform" on Madden and got way too far down the rabbit hole with all of the new features. However, on Madden you can simply realize the mistakes you've made and just choose not to save; as for the Jags, they have to reap what they've sewn. Well, they didn't actually sew them, I'm sure they have someone else who does that, but you get what I mean, right?

RUNNER UP: Murder

And now here's how every team will finish, so if you fall asleep for the next four months and miss the whole season don't worry, you'll already know what's going to happen.
 

AFC

East

New England Patriots  11-5

Miami Dolphins  8-8

Buffalo Bills  5-11

New York Jets  3-13

North

Cincinnati Bengals  11-5

Pittsburgh Steelers  10-6

Cleveland Browns  9-7

Baltimore Ravens  8-8

South

Houston Texans  10-6

Indianapolis Colts  8-8

Tennessee Titans  6-10

Jacksonville Jaguars  3-13

West

Denver Broncos  12-4

Kansas City Chiefs  7-9

San Diego Chargers  6-10

Oakland Raiders  2-14

NFC

East

New York Giants  10-6

Washington Redskins  8-8

Dallas Cowboys  7-9

Philadelphia Eagles  6-10

North

Green Bay Packers 11-5

Chicago Bears 8-8

Detroit Lions 7-9

Minnesota Vikings 5-11

South

Atlanta Falcons  11-5

New Orleans Saints  10-6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers  7-9

Carolina Panthers  7-9

West

Seattle Seahawks  16-0

San Francisco 49ers  10-6

St. Louis Rams  8-8

Arizona Cardinals  6-10

If you ask me, the AFC is the much weaker conference this season. Though if you ask Karl Marx he'd say both the conferences are equal. So really, who's to say? As you can see I'm envisioning a fall from grace for the Super Bowl champion Ravens, who i predict to finish behind the SURPRISE! Cleveland Browns. The Colts scored 30 points less than their opponents last season and managed to go 11-5. Well not this time scumbags! They'll fall back to the pack. The "pack" like the Packers? You just said with a stupid look on your face. No, not the Packers, they'll stay at 11-5. The Saints will rebound to make the playoffs now that they aren't starting the season with a double interim coach. As for the Hawks, well you must have never read anything I've written before. If that's the case, consider yourself lucky and get out now, but for those of you who I've already got my hooks into, let's take a look at how the playoffs will shake out:

AFC Wild Card

New England over Cleveland

Pittsburgh over Houston

AFC Divisional

Denver over Pittsburgh

New England over Cincinnati

AFC Championship

Denver over New England

NFC Wild Card

San Francisco over New York

New Orleans over Atlanta

NFC Divisional

Seattle over New Orleans

San Francisco over Green Bay

NFC Championship

Seattle over San Francisco

Super Bowl

Seattle over Denver

We did it! Or rather, we're going to do it. Can't wait gang. Seriously, it's going to be pretty great.