Sunday Morning
Denver @ Cincinnati
The Broncos
finally put together a complete game last week in their win over the
Saints. But with the ever increasing importance of specialists in the
bullpen, pitching a complete game just isn't as necessary as it once
was. Hmm, wait, that's baseball. Well anyhow, Denver looks solid even if
they do get behind early; with their big bats and ability to run the
bases no lead is safe. Damn it. Sorry, won't happen again.
Broncos 28-20
Baltimore @ Cleveland
The
Ravens defense has taken a large hit via injuries and it showed during
their game against the Texans two weeks ago when they gave up 43 points.
Baltimore had a week off to think about they did while Cleveland had a
week on, beating San Diego in a 7-6 battle of wills that could be
described as a matter of life or death. It can be described that way
because whoever actually lived through watching that game wanted to die.
The offenses figure to struggle in this game as well, but ultimately
the Ravens will come out on top. The Browns may be on top at some point,
but it will merely be penultimately at best.
Ravens 16-12
Arizona @ Green Bay
Much
has changed since these teams last met in a thrilling playoff duel
between Aaron Rodgers and Kurt Warner. Rodgers has become arguably the
best player in the NFL while the Cardinals have employed the following
people as starting quarterbacks: Derek "That's Fine" Anderson, Max "Blow
the Whistle!" Hall, and John "Exo" Skelton. Guess which team won a
Super Bowl since that playoff game ... If you actually had to guess it
means you weren't aware that Green Bay won the Super Bowl two years ago,
which also means you're not much of a football fan, which in kind means
that you don't even read these posts for the football analysis, which
can only mean that you come here for the irreverent and refreshing
writing style. Thank you, that's a flattering compliment.
Packers 27-10
Chicago @ Tennessee
The
Bears were unimpressive in their one point victory over Carolina last
week. It was a surprisingly close game that only a true NFL expert could
have expected ("I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but
ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1" - NFL Picks - Week 8). I'd be
willing to bet that Matthew Hasselbeck was watching closely and that he
probably liked what he saw. I mean, Hasselbeck's a major football fan,
so naturally he enjoyed watching a good game, but he also liked what he
saw because he now knows exactly how to attack the Chicago D. And how is
that, you might be asking? Oh right, I'm just going to say it right
here and warn the Bears? Get real scumbag.
Titans 20-17
Miami @ Indianapolis
Were
you aware that if the season ended today these two teams would be the
AFC wild cards? Were you also aware that if the season ended today it
would be the shortest regular season in NFL history? While that last
rhetorical question made for an hilarious follow-up comment, it also
illustrates the fact that while these teams have surprised many, the
season is still young. However, when you look at the rest of the wild
card contenders in the AFC it's difficult to find strong candidates,
which means that the Dolphins or the Colts could very well make the
playoffs. In kind, this game could prove very important down the road.
The Miami defense has been able to keep opponents' scoring low which
should come in handy against Indianapolis, or any other team for that
matter.
Dolphins 17-16
Carolina @ Washington
Most
people will draw a comparison between these two young starting
quarterbacks. Well, in the words of Warren Moon, "That's racist!" These
QBs couldn't be more different. For instance, Robert Griffin has been an
active participant in the 2012 NFL season, whereas Cam Newton has not. I
won't bore you with the full list of dissimilarities between the two
but trust me it goes deep, all the way to the White House.
Redskins 24-20
Detroit @ Jacksonville
Is
it a coincidence that the Jaguars traded WR Mike Thomas to the Lions
the same week that they're playing them? I don't think so, and I think
Detroit should be asking the same question. This is most likely a
brilliant move by the Jacksonville Jaguars organization to infiltrate
the iron curtain that normally shrouds the Lions' organization. What
kind of secrets will Mike Thomas unearth as he delves deep into the
inner workings of the mysterious cabal known as the Detroit Lions? We
might not find out Sunday because this is more of a long con, but believe me
the Jags will be reaping the benefits come Super Bowl Sunday.
Lions 27-16
Buffalo @ Houston
The Texans have become the team to beat in
the AFC, while the Bills have become a team that you can beat in the
AFC. When you combine the two it doesn't look promising for Buffalo as
they travel to Houston. Is there a chance that the Bills could pull an
upset? I wouldn't rule it out entirely, but that's just something I'm
working on in my life, learning to be more open-minded. It's been very
freeing for the most part, but now it takes me about an hour and a half
to make each one of these picks.
Texans 28-14
Sunday Afternoon
Minnesota @ Seattle
The
Seahawks return home to Seattle, which not only means they have a
better chance of winning, but also that Fox cameras are picking up hours
of B roll at Pike Place Market as we speak. Have you guys heard about
this? They throw fish at this place! It's like one guy just tosses this
big ol' fish to another guy and he catches it! Look, I can't blame you
if you find it hard to believe, but after witnessing the broadcasts of
hundreds of games played in Seattle and seeing the fish throwing during
every single one of them I can vouch for it. If Russell Wilson displays
even half the arm strength of the Pike Place Market fish mongers the
Hawks have a good chance at winning.
Seahawks 23-13
Tampa Bay @ Oakland
The
Raiders have won back to back games! And they did it against the
Jaguars and the Chiefs ... Well hey, it's better than losing to those
teams, right? Meanwhile, the Bucs are coming off a win over the Vikings
that can actually be considered impressive. Both teams come in to this
game at 3-4, which is important to point out because I have nothing
better to say about this game.
Buccaneers 30-22
Pittsburgh @ New York Giants
Due
to Hurricane Sandy rendering their booked hotel powerless the Steelers
will have to fly to New York on game day. A fairly short flight before a
game might not be a big deal for most teams but it's a good bet that
Ben Roethlisberger will consume no less than 3 Red Bull vodkas before
they land. While that will make him loose and energized at the start of
the game he'll crash pretty hard come the 2nd half. By the final two
minutes, when Pittsburgh needs a winning drive Roethlisberger's
throbbing head will end up getting the better of him (which won't be the
first time).
Giants 27-23
Sunday Night
Dallas @ Atlanta
The
Cowboys nearly pulled off an unbelievable comeback last week against
the Giants only to have Dez Bryant's fingers land out of bounds on what
would have been the game winning catch. Bryant made a great effort and
even got a little banged up upon landing which is causing many to
overlook a crucial aspect of that play, if that wimp wouldn't have felt
the need to brace himself with his hand his team would have won the
game. The Falcons come into this contest at 7-0 even though I fearlessly
predicted that they'd lose their first game last week. And guess what,
I'm going to do it again. The possibility of falling to 3-5 is going to
make Dallas the more desperate team, and if there's one thing I know,
it's desperation.
Cowboys 28-25
Monday Night
Philadelphia @ New Orleans
Speaking
of desperation, this game reeks of it. What does desperation smell
like? Like butts. A Saints' loss would pretty much end their season
while a poor performance from Michael Vick may force Andy Reid to make a
change at quarterback. So clearly there's a lot riding on this game.
However, there's not a lot of writing on this game ... because that's
all I've got. Haha, I slay me!
Saints 23-20
11.01.2012
10.31.2012
NFL Picks Week 9 - Thursday
Kansas City @ San Diego
I've been skeptical as to the need for so many Thursday night games this season, but when a match-up like this arises the only word that comes to mind is validation. Personally, I'm not even sure if I'll watch any games on Sunday seeing as how they can't possibly match what this contest will offer in terms of high quality of play and sheer drama. So much drama, in fact, that this game should be aired on TNT, because let's face it, they know drama. But enough extolling, I mean, you don't need me to convince you to watch, you and every other American already will; now it's time for me to make a prediction. The Chiefs are unsure if they'll have Brady Quinn available to start at QB and I'm unsure if that's to their detriment.
Chargers 24-10
I've been skeptical as to the need for so many Thursday night games this season, but when a match-up like this arises the only word that comes to mind is validation. Personally, I'm not even sure if I'll watch any games on Sunday seeing as how they can't possibly match what this contest will offer in terms of high quality of play and sheer drama. So much drama, in fact, that this game should be aired on TNT, because let's face it, they know drama. But enough extolling, I mean, you don't need me to convince you to watch, you and every other American already will; now it's time for me to make a prediction. The Chiefs are unsure if they'll have Brady Quinn available to start at QB and I'm unsure if that's to their detriment.
Chargers 24-10
10.25.2012
NFL Picks - Week 8
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Detroit
The Hawks will come into this game with an extra 4 days of rest on the Lions. That might seem unfair until you consider the fact that Seattle has scored less than 13 points per game on the road this year, and the franchise has only scored 19 points in two games at Ford Field. In other words, they've performed worse than a Ford (Burn! Actually I don't know anything about cars, Fords are lame right?). But if there were ever a time for the Hawks to break out of their offensive funk it's right now. Why? Because I'm tired of watching it.
Seahawks 24-16
Carolina @ Chicago
These two teams are heading in opposite directions, which is a good thing for this game, because if they were heading in the same direction the kickoffs would be very confusing (that's the second directional joke in two weeks, clearly I'm already losing steam here). One thing these squads do have in common is the poor body language of their quarterbacks, meaning there will most likely be more frowny faces in this game than a gChat with this girl. I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1.
Bears 20-17
San Diego @ Cleveland
The Chargers have had a full two weeks to think about how they blew a 24-0 halftime lead to the Broncos on Monday Night Football. They've also had two full weeks to think about their families, because the Chargers are more than just football players, they're human beings, and shame on you for insinuating otherwise. Meanwhile there's only one thing on the Browns' mind: football. Which makes it all the more disappointing that they've only managed one win so far. However, they haven't been downright terrible as of late, and I think it's high time that they spring the trap the Chargers, who are clearly looking forward to their game against Kansas City next week.
Browns 30-27
New England @ St. Louis
The Patriots have clearly had trouble closing out games lately, being outscored 34-6 in their last three 4th quarters. But could they really drop a game to the Rams? I say yes! These are not the lowly Rams we're used to, and they've played pretty well in St. Louis so far .... What's that? London? Oh, well they're fucked.
Patriots 27-17
Miami @ New York Jets
After a copious amount of research into this game that involved going to the Dolphins clubhouse page on ESPN.com I unearthed some fairly enlightening stats. For instance, Miami is 3-3 with two of their losses coming in overtime after they blew 4th quarter leads. They're also fourth against the run, which was news to me. And while they happen to be 28th against the pass it probably won't matter much considering they're playing the Jets this week, who still refuse to start Tim Tebow, the greatest offensive weapon since Tommy Vardell.
Dolphins 21-16
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have had five of their six games decided by three points or less, meaning that they've been in pretty much every game so far, even their losses. The Falcons have also been in all of their games this year, winning all of them. So this one figures to be close. How close? This close. Get it? Little over your head huh? But I know you come to this site for definitive picks and mild nonsense, so I'll say that Philly hands Atlanta their first loss, but not without trying to blow it a few times first.
Eagles 20-19
Washington @ Pittsburgh
The Steelers are wearing throwback uniforms for this game that look like this. A couple of things jump out from that picture. First, the design is so outrageous that it borders on hubris. Second, was that picture taken in a bathroom? RG3 nearly engineered an impressive road victory against the Giants last week and unless he's afraid of bees I think he has a good shot at getting the win in Pittsburgh.
Redskins 24-21
Jacksonville @ Green Bay
You're probably assuming that a game against the ever popular Packers would be one of the only things that could save the Jaguars from the Corner Screen at the Shack. Well, you're right, they won't on the CSATS, but that's only because there are 9 early games and only 8 screens available, which means it won't be on any screen at all! Ouch! Sorry Jags fans, I'd feel bad for you if you existed. With Maurice Jones-Drew inactive for this game Jacksonville doesn't stand a chance. They wouldn't stand a chance with him healthy, but at least this way they'll have a decent excuse.
Packers 38-13
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
After I wondered aloud a few weeks back if the Titans were the worst team in the league they've won two in a row. While their defense has shown little improvement they've naturally made great strides on offense behind the intrepid leadership of Matthew Hasselbeck. With the Colts coming to town I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee wins their third in a row and gets to .500. Then again, in today's NFL nothing surprises me; except for play-action fakes, those catch me off guard every time.
Titans 27-23
Sunday Afternoon
Oakland @ Kansas City
Once again we're left with only two afternoon games and one of them involves the Raiders. Most cowards out there would just sit back and let atrocities like this keep happening, but not me, I'm taking action. How so? This so: fire Howard Katz! Katz is the man that, with the aide of a "super" computer, created the 2012 NFL schedule. Full disclosure: I don't know if he chose the actual time that games would be played, but there just wasn't enough time for me to look into that, these barren afternoons have sent me into a reckless rage. Explain yourself Mr. Katz! And while you're at it, show us your tax return.
Chiefs 23-16
New York Giants @ Dallas
Stop the presses! It's a Giants/Cowboys game and it's not being played in prime time. This is the first time in their last four meetings that that's been true. Ok, go ahead and start the presses again (Is one of you in charge of the presses?). The fact that this game is being played in Dallas makes me more confident that New York will win. And now that I've abandoned the Costanza Theorem and embraced the Giants as just being flat out good I'll quote many an opposing DB when facing Tony Romo and say that I'll have no problem making this pick.
Giants 31-26
Sunday Night
New Orleans @ Denver
Do you like points? Obviously you do, because you're reading this post, which is full of tremendous points. But if you like football games with lots of points this should be the game for you. The Saints have been unable to stop anyone this season, giving up an average of 465 yards of offense per game. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning has been on a tear of late and figures to put up big numbers. Mean-meanwhile, Drew Brees has been no slouch himself. Denver will inevitably dig themselves a hole and then come stampeding out of it to make this game into a wild 4th quarter shootout. Who will win? The fans! And the Broncos.
Broncos 38-35
Monday Night
San Francisco @ Arizona
It seems like a long time has passed since the Cardinals started the season 4-0, but in fact it was just three weeks ago. Now, if you're only a six week old child, that would account for half your life, so it would be a relatively long time. However, that would raise other questions, the most pertinent of which being how did you learn to read at such a young age? Baby geniuses aside, Arizona is certainly a far cry from their hot start and things don't look to get any easier for them this Monday. In fact, I expect their losing streak to reach 6 before they get another win. Mark it down wherever you mark things.
49ers 20-12
Seattle @ Detroit
The Hawks will come into this game with an extra 4 days of rest on the Lions. That might seem unfair until you consider the fact that Seattle has scored less than 13 points per game on the road this year, and the franchise has only scored 19 points in two games at Ford Field. In other words, they've performed worse than a Ford (Burn! Actually I don't know anything about cars, Fords are lame right?). But if there were ever a time for the Hawks to break out of their offensive funk it's right now. Why? Because I'm tired of watching it.
Seahawks 24-16
Carolina @ Chicago
These two teams are heading in opposite directions, which is a good thing for this game, because if they were heading in the same direction the kickoffs would be very confusing (that's the second directional joke in two weeks, clearly I'm already losing steam here). One thing these squads do have in common is the poor body language of their quarterbacks, meaning there will most likely be more frowny faces in this game than a gChat with this girl. I expect this one to be surprisingly close, but ultimately the Bears will move to 6-1.
Bears 20-17
San Diego @ Cleveland
The Chargers have had a full two weeks to think about how they blew a 24-0 halftime lead to the Broncos on Monday Night Football. They've also had two full weeks to think about their families, because the Chargers are more than just football players, they're human beings, and shame on you for insinuating otherwise. Meanwhile there's only one thing on the Browns' mind: football. Which makes it all the more disappointing that they've only managed one win so far. However, they haven't been downright terrible as of late, and I think it's high time that they spring the trap the Chargers, who are clearly looking forward to their game against Kansas City next week.
Browns 30-27
New England @ St. Louis
The Patriots have clearly had trouble closing out games lately, being outscored 34-6 in their last three 4th quarters. But could they really drop a game to the Rams? I say yes! These are not the lowly Rams we're used to, and they've played pretty well in St. Louis so far .... What's that? London? Oh, well they're fucked.
Patriots 27-17
Miami @ New York Jets
After a copious amount of research into this game that involved going to the Dolphins clubhouse page on ESPN.com I unearthed some fairly enlightening stats. For instance, Miami is 3-3 with two of their losses coming in overtime after they blew 4th quarter leads. They're also fourth against the run, which was news to me. And while they happen to be 28th against the pass it probably won't matter much considering they're playing the Jets this week, who still refuse to start Tim Tebow, the greatest offensive weapon since Tommy Vardell.
Dolphins 21-16
Atlanta @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have had five of their six games decided by three points or less, meaning that they've been in pretty much every game so far, even their losses. The Falcons have also been in all of their games this year, winning all of them. So this one figures to be close. How close? This close. Get it? Little over your head huh? But I know you come to this site for definitive picks and mild nonsense, so I'll say that Philly hands Atlanta their first loss, but not without trying to blow it a few times first.
Eagles 20-19
Washington @ Pittsburgh
The Steelers are wearing throwback uniforms for this game that look like this. A couple of things jump out from that picture. First, the design is so outrageous that it borders on hubris. Second, was that picture taken in a bathroom? RG3 nearly engineered an impressive road victory against the Giants last week and unless he's afraid of bees I think he has a good shot at getting the win in Pittsburgh.
Redskins 24-21
Jacksonville @ Green Bay
You're probably assuming that a game against the ever popular Packers would be one of the only things that could save the Jaguars from the Corner Screen at the Shack. Well, you're right, they won't on the CSATS, but that's only because there are 9 early games and only 8 screens available, which means it won't be on any screen at all! Ouch! Sorry Jags fans, I'd feel bad for you if you existed. With Maurice Jones-Drew inactive for this game Jacksonville doesn't stand a chance. They wouldn't stand a chance with him healthy, but at least this way they'll have a decent excuse.
Packers 38-13
Indianapolis @ Tennessee
After I wondered aloud a few weeks back if the Titans were the worst team in the league they've won two in a row. While their defense has shown little improvement they've naturally made great strides on offense behind the intrepid leadership of Matthew Hasselbeck. With the Colts coming to town I wouldn't be surprised if Tennessee wins their third in a row and gets to .500. Then again, in today's NFL nothing surprises me; except for play-action fakes, those catch me off guard every time.
Titans 27-23
Sunday Afternoon
Oakland @ Kansas City
Once again we're left with only two afternoon games and one of them involves the Raiders. Most cowards out there would just sit back and let atrocities like this keep happening, but not me, I'm taking action. How so? This so: fire Howard Katz! Katz is the man that, with the aide of a "super" computer, created the 2012 NFL schedule. Full disclosure: I don't know if he chose the actual time that games would be played, but there just wasn't enough time for me to look into that, these barren afternoons have sent me into a reckless rage. Explain yourself Mr. Katz! And while you're at it, show us your tax return.
Chiefs 23-16
New York Giants @ Dallas
Stop the presses! It's a Giants/Cowboys game and it's not being played in prime time. This is the first time in their last four meetings that that's been true. Ok, go ahead and start the presses again (Is one of you in charge of the presses?). The fact that this game is being played in Dallas makes me more confident that New York will win. And now that I've abandoned the Costanza Theorem and embraced the Giants as just being flat out good I'll quote many an opposing DB when facing Tony Romo and say that I'll have no problem making this pick.
Giants 31-26
Sunday Night
New Orleans @ Denver
Do you like points? Obviously you do, because you're reading this post, which is full of tremendous points. But if you like football games with lots of points this should be the game for you. The Saints have been unable to stop anyone this season, giving up an average of 465 yards of offense per game. Meanwhile, Peyton Manning has been on a tear of late and figures to put up big numbers. Mean-meanwhile, Drew Brees has been no slouch himself. Denver will inevitably dig themselves a hole and then come stampeding out of it to make this game into a wild 4th quarter shootout. Who will win? The fans! And the Broncos.
Broncos 38-35
Monday Night
San Francisco @ Arizona
It seems like a long time has passed since the Cardinals started the season 4-0, but in fact it was just three weeks ago. Now, if you're only a six week old child, that would account for half your life, so it would be a relatively long time. However, that would raise other questions, the most pertinent of which being how did you learn to read at such a young age? Baby geniuses aside, Arizona is certainly a far cry from their hot start and things don't look to get any easier for them this Monday. In fact, I expect their losing streak to reach 6 before they get another win. Mark it down wherever you mark things.
49ers 20-12
10.24.2012
NFL Picks Week 8 - Thursday
Tampa Bay @ Minnesota
This season the Vikings have been hotter than a Viking D3 30" gas self-clean range. However, their schedule thus far has been rather easy. Starting next week the heat starts to get cranked up, and if the Vikings can't stand it they should probably get out of the kitchen. Sidenote: if you need to get a Viking out of your kitchen the department store delivering your new range will most likely remove it for a nominal fee. This week, though, the Bucs come to town which should mean that Minnesota will end the first half of their season at 6-2 and four games over .500, a mark they will not top for the rest of season.
Vikings 23-13
This season the Vikings have been hotter than a Viking D3 30" gas self-clean range. However, their schedule thus far has been rather easy. Starting next week the heat starts to get cranked up, and if the Vikings can't stand it they should probably get out of the kitchen. Sidenote: if you need to get a Viking out of your kitchen the department store delivering your new range will most likely remove it for a nominal fee. This week, though, the Bucs come to town which should mean that Minnesota will end the first half of their season at 6-2 and four games over .500, a mark they will not top for the rest of season.
Vikings 23-13
10.18.2012
NFL Picks - Week 7
Sunday Morning
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Here are a couple of teams coming off of surprise victories in Week 6 looking to keep going in the right direction. Not literally the "right" direction of course, if they did that they'd run out of bounds. While that might help with clock management, it's simply too early in the game to employ such a strategy, seeing as how it hasn't even started yet. While I have all the confidence in the world in Matthew Hasselbeck, I attribute their win over Pittsburgh in large part to the fact that it was a home game being played on a Thursday. Plus their defense is still garbanzo beans (I'm saying that instead of garbage now; please let me know how much you hate it in the comments section below).
Bills 30-22
Washington @ New York Giants
The Giants unexpectedly beat the 49ers in San Francisco last week. However, it was only unexpected if you haven't learned to expect the unexpected without exception when it comes to New York. Clearly this has been my M.O. for the last few weeks, but if the Giants win in convincing fashion again it might be time to just consider them good and not unpredictable. While the Redskins did beat the Giants twice last year it would still be a surprise if they got a W here. And for that very reason I have to go with Washington.
Redskins 28-25
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
With their win last week the Bucs have taken a stranglehold over 2nd place in the NFC South at 2-3. But not so fast, nipping at their heels are the 1-4 Saints coming off their bye week, and you do NOT want to face an Aaron Kromer coached team when he has an extra seven days to prepare. Though there's no track record to back that statement up I think Krome Dawg is going to have New Orleans ready to play, and when I say "New Orleans" I'm only referring to their offense, because their D is non-existent.
Saints 27-20
Dallas @ Carolina
Last week the Cowboys found yet another way to lose a game. It's always interesting with these guys, you have to hand it to Jason Garrett and co.; unless you're the other team, because in that case Jason Garrett and co. have to hand it to you (and by 'it' I mean the game). However, the Panthers have been just as bad, if not worse, with the game on the line in their last two contests. Which makes me wonder if the 4th quarter will look a lot like this. So who will blow it worse? I'll go with the home team, it'll be more painful that way.
Cowboys 30-28
Baltimore @ Houston
There are only two teams in the AFC that are above .500 and they're playing each other in this game. Both teams come into this playoff rematch at 5-1 looking to take an inside track in the race for the conference's top seed. The Ravens are coming off demoralizing losses to their defense while Houston is coming off of the demoralizing realization that their defense may be lost. So as you can see the match-up between these two teams is like looking into a mirror, a very large mirror that 53 people can look into at the same time. To my knowledge this mirror does not actually exist, so it shouldn't be a factor come Sunday. I'll give the edge to the Texans at home.
Texans 24-20
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
When I say "Corner" you say "Screen!" Corner _______ Corner _______ When I say "At the" you say "Shack!" At the ______ At the ______ While this game features a plethora of young talent the chances are high that things could get sloppy. In fact, when I was researching this game I went to youngsloppytalent. com and found a lot of interesting material, none of which I could use to help me in my analysis of this game but interesting nonetheless. Ok where was I? (full disclosure: I just took a 2 hour break from writing this post for a return visit to youngsloppytalent .com) I say the Colts get back on track after a disappointing effort against the Jets while the Browns get back to what they know best, losing.
Colts 31-24
Green Bay @ St. Louis
Last week Aaron Rodgers went off to the tune of 6 touchdown passes. What does the tune of 6 touchdown passes sound like? This. Does this mean Rodgers is officially back? Yes. Are hypothetical questions pointless if the answer is a simple yes? Well, the answer to that is pretty complicated. While the Rams are 3-0 at home this year and their D has held their own I think the Packers will be harder to handle than a 10 hour sax solo.
Packers 31-17
Arizona @ Minnesota
Similarities abide among these two teams. Both are an unexpected 4-2 even after stumbling as of late. Both are in the NFC. Trust me there are more similarities than just those but if I listed them all off here you'd be bored and I would have had to have looked into it further. This game figures to feature conservative offenses and aggressive defenses, which means that field position and ball control will be paramount. In other words this game will be boring as shit unless you have a rooting interest in either team. Minnesota is at home so I'll give them the edge.
Vikings 19-13
Sunday Afternoon
New York Jets @ New England
It would be considered a surprise if the Patriots even showed up for this game after their devastating loss in Seattle last week. If New England does make it to the field Sunday expect them to be angry and play with a sense of purpose (again, that's only if they show up, which is probably less than a 50/50 shot at this point). The Pats' opponent will be the mercurial Jets whose average margin of victory is over 16 points, while their average margin of defeat is 19. So it stands to reason that this one won't be close on way or another. I'll go with another.
Patriots 35-17
Jacksonville @ Oakland
There are only two afternoon games this week and this is one of them. In other news, the NFL schedule maker has released the following statement to fans: "Fuck you." Both teams are coming off their bye week which begs the question: why can't they be on their bye every week? Alas, here we are, left with only this game to distract us during commercials. I'm thinking about just watching the commercials.
Raiders 27-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Last week these teams lost to the Titans and Browns, respectively. Were they aware they had a Sunday Night game coming up? Don't they know that Faith Hill's been waiting all week for this? It just demonstrates a blatant lack of respect for the National Football League, NBC, and Ms. Hill that I, quite frankly, won't stand for.
Steelers 23-16
Monday Night
Detroit @ Chicago
The Bears moved into 2nd place in the NFC last week simply by not playing. It just goes to show that in today's NFL, not playing is the key to success. Hey, it's an ever-changing league, learn to evolve. I can just see all those stodgy old pundits sitting around their newsroom and opining through a thick plume of cigar smoke, "You gotta play to win." Not anymore JD Off Your Rocker-feller! Unfortunately, Chicago has a game on the schedule this week, so they are subject to a loss. Fortunately, they are playing the Lions who haven't put together a consistent effort all season.
Bears 28-18
Tennessee @ Buffalo
Here are a couple of teams coming off of surprise victories in Week 6 looking to keep going in the right direction. Not literally the "right" direction of course, if they did that they'd run out of bounds. While that might help with clock management, it's simply too early in the game to employ such a strategy, seeing as how it hasn't even started yet. While I have all the confidence in the world in Matthew Hasselbeck, I attribute their win over Pittsburgh in large part to the fact that it was a home game being played on a Thursday. Plus their defense is still garbanzo beans (I'm saying that instead of garbage now; please let me know how much you hate it in the comments section below).
Bills 30-22
Washington @ New York Giants
The Giants unexpectedly beat the 49ers in San Francisco last week. However, it was only unexpected if you haven't learned to expect the unexpected without exception when it comes to New York. Clearly this has been my M.O. for the last few weeks, but if the Giants win in convincing fashion again it might be time to just consider them good and not unpredictable. While the Redskins did beat the Giants twice last year it would still be a surprise if they got a W here. And for that very reason I have to go with Washington.
Redskins 28-25
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
With their win last week the Bucs have taken a stranglehold over 2nd place in the NFC South at 2-3. But not so fast, nipping at their heels are the 1-4 Saints coming off their bye week, and you do NOT want to face an Aaron Kromer coached team when he has an extra seven days to prepare. Though there's no track record to back that statement up I think Krome Dawg is going to have New Orleans ready to play, and when I say "New Orleans" I'm only referring to their offense, because their D is non-existent.
Saints 27-20
Dallas @ Carolina
Last week the Cowboys found yet another way to lose a game. It's always interesting with these guys, you have to hand it to Jason Garrett and co.; unless you're the other team, because in that case Jason Garrett and co. have to hand it to you (and by 'it' I mean the game). However, the Panthers have been just as bad, if not worse, with the game on the line in their last two contests. Which makes me wonder if the 4th quarter will look a lot like this. So who will blow it worse? I'll go with the home team, it'll be more painful that way.
Cowboys 30-28
Baltimore @ Houston
There are only two teams in the AFC that are above .500 and they're playing each other in this game. Both teams come into this playoff rematch at 5-1 looking to take an inside track in the race for the conference's top seed. The Ravens are coming off demoralizing losses to their defense while Houston is coming off of the demoralizing realization that their defense may be lost. So as you can see the match-up between these two teams is like looking into a mirror, a very large mirror that 53 people can look into at the same time. To my knowledge this mirror does not actually exist, so it shouldn't be a factor come Sunday. I'll give the edge to the Texans at home.
Texans 24-20
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
When I say "Corner" you say "Screen!" Corner _______ Corner _______ When I say "At the" you say "Shack!" At the ______ At the ______ While this game features a plethora of young talent the chances are high that things could get sloppy. In fact, when I was researching this game I went to youngsloppytalent. com and found a lot of interesting material, none of which I could use to help me in my analysis of this game but interesting nonetheless. Ok where was I? (full disclosure: I just took a 2 hour break from writing this post for a return visit to youngsloppytalent .com) I say the Colts get back on track after a disappointing effort against the Jets while the Browns get back to what they know best, losing.
Colts 31-24
Green Bay @ St. Louis
Last week Aaron Rodgers went off to the tune of 6 touchdown passes. What does the tune of 6 touchdown passes sound like? This. Does this mean Rodgers is officially back? Yes. Are hypothetical questions pointless if the answer is a simple yes? Well, the answer to that is pretty complicated. While the Rams are 3-0 at home this year and their D has held their own I think the Packers will be harder to handle than a 10 hour sax solo.
Packers 31-17
Arizona @ Minnesota
Similarities abide among these two teams. Both are an unexpected 4-2 even after stumbling as of late. Both are in the NFC. Trust me there are more similarities than just those but if I listed them all off here you'd be bored and I would have had to have looked into it further. This game figures to feature conservative offenses and aggressive defenses, which means that field position and ball control will be paramount. In other words this game will be boring as shit unless you have a rooting interest in either team. Minnesota is at home so I'll give them the edge.
Vikings 19-13
Sunday Afternoon
New York Jets @ New England
It would be considered a surprise if the Patriots even showed up for this game after their devastating loss in Seattle last week. If New England does make it to the field Sunday expect them to be angry and play with a sense of purpose (again, that's only if they show up, which is probably less than a 50/50 shot at this point). The Pats' opponent will be the mercurial Jets whose average margin of victory is over 16 points, while their average margin of defeat is 19. So it stands to reason that this one won't be close on way or another. I'll go with another.
Patriots 35-17
Jacksonville @ Oakland
There are only two afternoon games this week and this is one of them. In other news, the NFL schedule maker has released the following statement to fans: "Fuck you." Both teams are coming off their bye week which begs the question: why can't they be on their bye every week? Alas, here we are, left with only this game to distract us during commercials. I'm thinking about just watching the commercials.
Raiders 27-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati
Last week these teams lost to the Titans and Browns, respectively. Were they aware they had a Sunday Night game coming up? Don't they know that Faith Hill's been waiting all week for this? It just demonstrates a blatant lack of respect for the National Football League, NBC, and Ms. Hill that I, quite frankly, won't stand for.
Steelers 23-16
Monday Night
Detroit @ Chicago
The Bears moved into 2nd place in the NFC last week simply by not playing. It just goes to show that in today's NFL, not playing is the key to success. Hey, it's an ever-changing league, learn to evolve. I can just see all those stodgy old pundits sitting around their newsroom and opining through a thick plume of cigar smoke, "You gotta play to win." Not anymore JD Off Your Rocker-feller! Unfortunately, Chicago has a game on the schedule this week, so they are subject to a loss. Fortunately, they are playing the Lions who haven't put together a consistent effort all season.
Bears 28-18
10.17.2012
NFL Picks Week 7 - Thursday
Seattle @ San Francisco
Last week Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride remarked that 49ers DT Justin Smith, "gets away with murder" in terms of defensive holding, after which Jim "Jaw Sweatshirt" Harbaugh overreacted and made it clear that he's unfamiliar with how metaphors work. To me Sweatshirt's overboard response implicates Justin Smith even further. Why would Jaw feel the need to get so upset if Gilbride hadn't touched on something that is actually happening? To quote Doc Holliday, "I'm afraid (Jaw Sweatshirt) is just too high strung." Maybe Russell Wilson could teach him a few things about keeping it cool. The Hawks' rookie QB comes into this match-up after displaying late game poise while throwing for two fourth quarter touchdowns to beat the New England Patriots 24-23 (I'm sure you're all aware of this, but why not bring it up as much as possible?). It will be a tough task for Wilson and co. to keep the momentum going on the road on short rest; though it was also a tough task for Doc Holliday to get out of his death bed out duel Johnny Ringo, and I think if we've established anything here today it's that Jim Harbaugh is Johnny Ringo.
Seahawks 20-16
Last week Giants' offensive coordinator Kevin Gilbride remarked that 49ers DT Justin Smith, "gets away with murder" in terms of defensive holding, after which Jim "Jaw Sweatshirt" Harbaugh overreacted and made it clear that he's unfamiliar with how metaphors work. To me Sweatshirt's overboard response implicates Justin Smith even further. Why would Jaw feel the need to get so upset if Gilbride hadn't touched on something that is actually happening? To quote Doc Holliday, "I'm afraid (Jaw Sweatshirt) is just too high strung." Maybe Russell Wilson could teach him a few things about keeping it cool. The Hawks' rookie QB comes into this match-up after displaying late game poise while throwing for two fourth quarter touchdowns to beat the New England Patriots 24-23 (I'm sure you're all aware of this, but why not bring it up as much as possible?). It will be a tough task for Wilson and co. to keep the momentum going on the road on short rest; though it was also a tough task for Doc Holliday to get out of his death bed out duel Johnny Ringo, and I think if we've established anything here today it's that Jim Harbaugh is Johnny Ringo.
Seahawks 20-16
10.11.2012
NFL Picks - Week 6
Sunday Morning
Oakland @ Atlanta
Uh oh, this could get ugly. How ugly? This ugly (I'll bet you're looking for the link aren't you? Shame on you, I would never point out someone being ugly merely for amusement, I'd only do it if I really thought they should know, so that they could do something about it and then the rest of us wouldn't be forced to deal with it).
Falcons 38-14
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Hmmm, where have I seen this one before? Oh, that's right, Week 2! The Bengals and the Browns are playing each other for the second time already in this young season. The first time around Cincinnati got a 34-27 win in a wild game. Since then things have gotten pretty scary for the Browns, but it's getting to be that time of year when scary reigns. Not to mention the fact that Brandon Weeden runs a haunted house in his neighborhood on weekdays, so scary is his specialty. In other words he's not phased by the frightening events surrounding Cleveland's season so far. Last week I picked the Browns to win because I had no choice, but this week I'll stick with them because I think they've got what it takes ... to get a win.
Browns 27-24
St. Louis @ Miami
What do you say about a game like this? Seriously, they're not giving me much to work with here. Both teams are coming off of surprise wins last week, but now that they've each shown some fight no one should be surprised if either of them get a W here. Though, it stands to reason that at least one of these teams will be victorious. Which one you ask? Ha, well you'll just have to wait and see. I already know however, so SPOILER ALERT!
Dolphins 22-20
Indianapolis @ New York Jets
As one fresh faced quarterback arrives on the scene, another fades into oblivion. Like sands through the hour glass, the yin to the yang, or one of those drawings where a hand is drawing a hand which is drawing the first hand. This is the storyline as Andrew Luck, coming off of the best game of his young career, travels to New York to take on a struggling Mark Sanchez, who can't escape the powerful, sultry breath of Tim Tebow perpetually heating the nape of his neck. If Luck pulls off another win expect to see Sanch on the bench sooner rather than not so soon. But I think he'll get the win, and a stay of execution. (Fun fact that isn't true: One of the previous sentences was lifted directly from a romance novel, can you guess which one?)
Jets 24-17
Detroit @ Philadelphia
This season Michael Vick has been a turnover machine. Don't believe me? He's already given the ball away nine times on his own. Now, if the issue you had with my original statement was that I referred to him as a machine well then I'll admit that no, I do not believe that Michael Vick is literally some sort of cyborg designed by scientists to turn the ball over. What would be the logic in engineering such a robot? Who is that helping? Certainly not the Eagles, for whom the Turnover Machine is the starting quarterback. Are we supposed to think that an NFL franchise would agree to make such a self-destructive decision as to turn over the reigns of their offense to a mechanical being whose sole purpose is to present the opposition with the football? Of course not, so I'll take Philadelphia.
Eagles 24-23
Kansas City @ Tampa Bay
Let's not beat around the bush with this game. Ah one, and ah two, and ah three .... Corner Screen at the Shack! I think it's safe to say that outside Kansas City this one will be in the same spot at sports bars across the nation. Let's call it the anti-Jennifer Grey, because everybody's putting it in the corner. Of course, the one city in which this game won't be relegated to the fringes is Tampa, because I'm guessing we're headed towards another non-sellout (Stinger for all the old school fans out there) meaning that they won't even have the option of watching the game on TV. Though, I can't say that I blame the Bucs' fans for not showing up to this one; I mean the only thing to possibly cheer would be a Matt Cassel injury, and odds are he won't even be playing, so what's the point?
Buccaneers 28-14
Dallas @ Baltimore
The Ravens' last three wins have all been close games that could have gone either way, while both of the Cowboys' losses this season have been blowouts in which Dallas was dominated physically, emotionally, and sexually (or so I've heard). So if the Ravens are going to win this game then something has to give; either they'll get to breath easy for once, or the Cowboys will finally look respectable in a loss. Or, Dallas could completely flip the script and get an upset victory, which would be a definite possibility if I thought they were any good. I say the Ravens get their 14th straight home win in classic Ravens fashion.
Ravens 21-20
Sunday Afternoon
New England @ Seattle
If it seems like you haven't seen this match-up much in the past couple decades it's because you haven't (learn to trust your instincts). This will be only the third time these teams have met in the last 19 seasons. Moreover, it will be the the first time Tom Brady has ever played in Seattle, meaning that he probably thinks "Bring in da Noise Bring in da Funk" is merely the title of a fantastic movie. Think again Tom. Brady and co. do bring the league's top offense (yardage-wise) with them to the CLink this Sunday, but they'll be met by the league's top D, and as they always say, a good defense beats a good offense. But they also always say that the best defense is a good offense, and New England has the league's best offense, so does that mean they have the best defense? And if the best defense is a good offense does that mean that the best offense is a good defense? In that case, the Seahawks would have the league's best offense. Any way you slice it, this figures to be a highly competitive clash. I'll give the edge to the Hawks because they have the only player whose jersey has been retired but still suits up every week.
Seahawks 23-20
Buffalo @ Arizona
The Bills' defense was so bad last week that it was offensive. And no, not in the sense that the best offense is a bad defense, rather in the sense that it's a delicious play on words. In their blowout loss to the 49ers, Buffalo became the only team in NFL history to give up 300 yards passing AND 300 yards rushing in one game. Their defense has been so porous this season that fantasy owners across the nation are scrambling to pick up Kevin Kolb off of waivers. If the Bills' D hasn't had a wake-up call yet, then that's it. But even if they do wake up they might not manage to do much. Meanwhile, Cardinals running back Ryan Williams will miss the remainder of the year due to injury, meaning that by the end of the season he'll have played in only 5 of the 32 games he's been a pro for. To put it another way, he'll have played in about 16% of games. That's still higher than the Bills' tackling percentage though, so it shouldn't matter who's toting it for Arizona.
Cardinals 27-15
New York Giants @ San Francisco
It's a rematch of the NFC Championship Game from 1991! These teams also happened to have played for the NFC crown last season (NOTE: the NFC crown is not an actual thing). As we all know, a couple of bad bounces spelled doom for the 49ers in the previous match-up. To safeguard against the same thing happening this time around San Francisco is putting a spy on Kyle Williams in much the same way that you would to defend a running quarterback. The spy will mirror Williams' every move and if Kyle comes within 5 yards of the ball during any punt the spy will pounce on him. The Giants' win over Cleveland last week put a dent in my Costanza Theorem which states that when it comes to New York I should pick against my instincts. While a Browns win would have solidified my findings I'm not sure that their loss proved me wrong; if anything, it proved that they suck. So I'll stick with the Theorem one more time and take the Giants on the road. Why? Because I don't think they'll win.
Giants 19-16
Minnesota @ Washington
As I mentioned earlier, and in many weeks past, the lack of ticket sales in Tampa makes that fan base a strong candidate for the worst in the NFL. However, were you aware that Redskins have lost their last eight at home? Yes, eight (as in 8). It's a shocking statistic that raises the question, does Washington D.C. have the worst fans in the NFL? It seems clear that they aren't generating any home field advantage whatsoever. In fact, they're having a negative effect. With the red hot Minnesota Vikings coming to town expect this troubling trend to continue
Vikings 24-21
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Houston
It's safe to say that in terms of the start of the 2012 season, this is not how Aaron Rodgers and the Packers drew it up. In fact, I managed to obtain a copy of how Rodgers actually drew it up. On the flip side, the Texans couldn't have imagined a much better start to the year; they're 5-0 for the first time in their storied 11 year history. Even though Green Bay comes into this game at 2-3 beating them would be a benchmark victory for a Houston team that has feasted on a somewhat easy schedule to this point. And it's for that very reason that I think the Packers will pull off an upset. Green Bay needs this one, and while it would be a big win for the Texans, the desperation might not be there.
Packers 27-24
Monday Night
Denver @ San Diego
It's a Monday night battle for first place in the AFC West. "Groan," said the country.
Broncos 30-23
Oakland @ Atlanta
Uh oh, this could get ugly. How ugly? This ugly (I'll bet you're looking for the link aren't you? Shame on you, I would never point out someone being ugly merely for amusement, I'd only do it if I really thought they should know, so that they could do something about it and then the rest of us wouldn't be forced to deal with it).
Falcons 38-14
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Hmmm, where have I seen this one before? Oh, that's right, Week 2! The Bengals and the Browns are playing each other for the second time already in this young season. The first time around Cincinnati got a 34-27 win in a wild game. Since then things have gotten pretty scary for the Browns, but it's getting to be that time of year when scary reigns. Not to mention the fact that Brandon Weeden runs a haunted house in his neighborhood on weekdays, so scary is his specialty. In other words he's not phased by the frightening events surrounding Cleveland's season so far. Last week I picked the Browns to win because I had no choice, but this week I'll stick with them because I think they've got what it takes ... to get a win.
Browns 27-24
St. Louis @ Miami
What do you say about a game like this? Seriously, they're not giving me much to work with here. Both teams are coming off of surprise wins last week, but now that they've each shown some fight no one should be surprised if either of them get a W here. Though, it stands to reason that at least one of these teams will be victorious. Which one you ask? Ha, well you'll just have to wait and see. I already know however, so SPOILER ALERT!
Dolphins 22-20
Indianapolis @ New York Jets
As one fresh faced quarterback arrives on the scene, another fades into oblivion. Like sands through the hour glass, the yin to the yang, or one of those drawings where a hand is drawing a hand which is drawing the first hand. This is the storyline as Andrew Luck, coming off of the best game of his young career, travels to New York to take on a struggling Mark Sanchez, who can't escape the powerful, sultry breath of Tim Tebow perpetually heating the nape of his neck. If Luck pulls off another win expect to see Sanch on the bench sooner rather than not so soon. But I think he'll get the win, and a stay of execution. (Fun fact that isn't true: One of the previous sentences was lifted directly from a romance novel, can you guess which one?)
Jets 24-17
Detroit @ Philadelphia
This season Michael Vick has been a turnover machine. Don't believe me? He's already given the ball away nine times on his own. Now, if the issue you had with my original statement was that I referred to him as a machine well then I'll admit that no, I do not believe that Michael Vick is literally some sort of cyborg designed by scientists to turn the ball over. What would be the logic in engineering such a robot? Who is that helping? Certainly not the Eagles, for whom the Turnover Machine is the starting quarterback. Are we supposed to think that an NFL franchise would agree to make such a self-destructive decision as to turn over the reigns of their offense to a mechanical being whose sole purpose is to present the opposition with the football? Of course not, so I'll take Philadelphia.
Eagles 24-23
Kansas City @ Tampa Bay
Let's not beat around the bush with this game. Ah one, and ah two, and ah three .... Corner Screen at the Shack! I think it's safe to say that outside Kansas City this one will be in the same spot at sports bars across the nation. Let's call it the anti-Jennifer Grey, because everybody's putting it in the corner. Of course, the one city in which this game won't be relegated to the fringes is Tampa, because I'm guessing we're headed towards another non-sellout (Stinger for all the old school fans out there) meaning that they won't even have the option of watching the game on TV. Though, I can't say that I blame the Bucs' fans for not showing up to this one; I mean the only thing to possibly cheer would be a Matt Cassel injury, and odds are he won't even be playing, so what's the point?
Buccaneers 28-14
Dallas @ Baltimore
The Ravens' last three wins have all been close games that could have gone either way, while both of the Cowboys' losses this season have been blowouts in which Dallas was dominated physically, emotionally, and sexually (or so I've heard). So if the Ravens are going to win this game then something has to give; either they'll get to breath easy for once, or the Cowboys will finally look respectable in a loss. Or, Dallas could completely flip the script and get an upset victory, which would be a definite possibility if I thought they were any good. I say the Ravens get their 14th straight home win in classic Ravens fashion.
Ravens 21-20
Sunday Afternoon
New England @ Seattle
If it seems like you haven't seen this match-up much in the past couple decades it's because you haven't (learn to trust your instincts). This will be only the third time these teams have met in the last 19 seasons. Moreover, it will be the the first time Tom Brady has ever played in Seattle, meaning that he probably thinks "Bring in da Noise Bring in da Funk" is merely the title of a fantastic movie. Think again Tom. Brady and co. do bring the league's top offense (yardage-wise) with them to the CLink this Sunday, but they'll be met by the league's top D, and as they always say, a good defense beats a good offense. But they also always say that the best defense is a good offense, and New England has the league's best offense, so does that mean they have the best defense? And if the best defense is a good offense does that mean that the best offense is a good defense? In that case, the Seahawks would have the league's best offense. Any way you slice it, this figures to be a highly competitive clash. I'll give the edge to the Hawks because they have the only player whose jersey has been retired but still suits up every week.
Seahawks 23-20
Buffalo @ Arizona
The Bills' defense was so bad last week that it was offensive. And no, not in the sense that the best offense is a bad defense, rather in the sense that it's a delicious play on words. In their blowout loss to the 49ers, Buffalo became the only team in NFL history to give up 300 yards passing AND 300 yards rushing in one game. Their defense has been so porous this season that fantasy owners across the nation are scrambling to pick up Kevin Kolb off of waivers. If the Bills' D hasn't had a wake-up call yet, then that's it. But even if they do wake up they might not manage to do much. Meanwhile, Cardinals running back Ryan Williams will miss the remainder of the year due to injury, meaning that by the end of the season he'll have played in only 5 of the 32 games he's been a pro for. To put it another way, he'll have played in about 16% of games. That's still higher than the Bills' tackling percentage though, so it shouldn't matter who's toting it for Arizona.
Cardinals 27-15
New York Giants @ San Francisco
It's a rematch of the NFC Championship Game from 1991! These teams also happened to have played for the NFC crown last season (NOTE: the NFC crown is not an actual thing). As we all know, a couple of bad bounces spelled doom for the 49ers in the previous match-up. To safeguard against the same thing happening this time around San Francisco is putting a spy on Kyle Williams in much the same way that you would to defend a running quarterback. The spy will mirror Williams' every move and if Kyle comes within 5 yards of the ball during any punt the spy will pounce on him. The Giants' win over Cleveland last week put a dent in my Costanza Theorem which states that when it comes to New York I should pick against my instincts. While a Browns win would have solidified my findings I'm not sure that their loss proved me wrong; if anything, it proved that they suck. So I'll stick with the Theorem one more time and take the Giants on the road. Why? Because I don't think they'll win.
Giants 19-16
Minnesota @ Washington
As I mentioned earlier, and in many weeks past, the lack of ticket sales in Tampa makes that fan base a strong candidate for the worst in the NFL. However, were you aware that Redskins have lost their last eight at home? Yes, eight (as in 8). It's a shocking statistic that raises the question, does Washington D.C. have the worst fans in the NFL? It seems clear that they aren't generating any home field advantage whatsoever. In fact, they're having a negative effect. With the red hot Minnesota Vikings coming to town expect this troubling trend to continue
Vikings 24-21
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Houston
It's safe to say that in terms of the start of the 2012 season, this is not how Aaron Rodgers and the Packers drew it up. In fact, I managed to obtain a copy of how Rodgers actually drew it up. On the flip side, the Texans couldn't have imagined a much better start to the year; they're 5-0 for the first time in their storied 11 year history. Even though Green Bay comes into this game at 2-3 beating them would be a benchmark victory for a Houston team that has feasted on a somewhat easy schedule to this point. And it's for that very reason that I think the Packers will pull off an upset. Green Bay needs this one, and while it would be a big win for the Texans, the desperation might not be there.
Packers 27-24
Monday Night
Denver @ San Diego
It's a Monday night battle for first place in the AFC West. "Groan," said the country.
Broncos 30-23
10.10.2012
NFL Picks Week 6 - Thursday
Pittsburgh @ Tennessee
Could the Titans be the worst team in the league? You could make a strong case for yes, and if you have made that case please send it to me and I'll read it; but since we're here now let's hear mine. They're giving up a league worst 36.2 points per game. They've scored 88 total points this season with 44 coming in their one win, meaning they are averaging 11 points per game in their losses. They rank 28th in total defense and 26th in total offense. This team looks so far gone that even Matthew Hasselbeck might not be able to save them. Tennessee can at least take solace in the fact that everybody plays poorly on Thursdays so at least this week they'll have an excuse. But when will you stop making excuses Tennessee? I'm talking to the whole state now.
Steelers 26-13
Could the Titans be the worst team in the league? You could make a strong case for yes, and if you have made that case please send it to me and I'll read it; but since we're here now let's hear mine. They're giving up a league worst 36.2 points per game. They've scored 88 total points this season with 44 coming in their one win, meaning they are averaging 11 points per game in their losses. They rank 28th in total defense and 26th in total offense. This team looks so far gone that even Matthew Hasselbeck might not be able to save them. Tennessee can at least take solace in the fact that everybody plays poorly on Thursdays so at least this week they'll have an excuse. But when will you stop making excuses Tennessee? I'm talking to the whole state now.
Steelers 26-13
10.04.2012
NFL Picks - Week 5
Sunday Morning
Miami @ Cincinnati
The Bengals' defense finally put a up a solid effort last week against the Jaguars. Go back and read the previous sentence, but pay extra attention to the last word. That's right, they were playing the Jaguars so their defense still has much to prove. This Sunday they'll be tasked with containing Brian Hartline who had more targets last week than Culver City. Just to be clear, there are 3 Targets in Culver City, which is 2 more than most cities but still nowhere near the amount of targets that Hartline, or many other receivers for that matter, had a week ago. I think the Cincy D will hold their own and keep the Dolphins' point total low, just like the low low prices at your nearest Target.
Bengals 27-19
Green Bay @ Indianapolis
Coming into last week at 1-2 the Packers were faced with something of a judgment day and Aaron Rodgers experienced a return to form reminiscent of the T1000 against New Orleans. As for Andrew Luck, he's turning heads as a rookie and making everyone say, "Have you seen this boy!?" Unfortunately for Luck the rest of this Colts team is making him understand why Indy fans cry. Expect Rodgers to have another big week.
Packers 35-20
Baltimore @ Kansas City
After getting their token win against the Saints in Week 3 the Chiefs returned to a losing form in a San Diegan thrashing, that is to say a thrashing by San Diego. With the Ravens coming to town don't expect much better from Kansas City, at least not until Kansas City starts expecting better from themselves. It's like, you're beautiful Kansas City, but no one's going to realize it until you do. I'm sorry you guys, it's just so damn frustrating.
Ravens 31-13
Atlanta @ Washington
In Week 4 the Falcons pulled an escape act that Harry Houdini himself would have been proud of. Of course, if Houdini had actually been watching the game he most likely would have said, "They're allowed to throw the ball!?" (Fun fact that isn't true: Houdini died in 1926, before the advent of the forward pass in American football) If we learned anything from that comeback it's that Atlanta is a hard team to beat; in fact, since they haven't lost yet this season it's fair to say that they're impossible to beat. But do you know what Robert Griffin's favorite movie is? Neither do I, though I think we can all agree if it were Mission: Impossible that would wrap this up pretty nicely wouldn't it.
Falcons 28-24
Cleveland @ New York Giants
As I watched Lawrence Tynes' 54 yard field goal attempt fall painfully short of the cross bar in the Giants' 19-17 loss to Philadelphia I thought one thing, "Costanza Theorem." So far, picking against my initial inclination in regards to the Giants has proven correct two straight weeks, but now comes its biggest test, the Cleveland Browns. That's the first time in years that the Browns have been the biggest test for anything or anybody, and that includes when they scrimmage against themselves, which shouldn't make sense but somehow it does (just trust me ... please?). Clearly the Giants should win, so as dictated by the Costanza Theorem I will pick Cleveland.
Browns 28-27
Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
It's the rare Pennsylvanian intrastate game. This one reminds me of the Ryder Cup because it comes around only once every few years and it's filled with people that make me ashamed to be an American. Speaking of which, the Steelers expect to have James Harrison in the line-up for the first time this season. That just may make the difference in this one considering the difference for the Eagles has been razor thin so far this year. They've won 3 games by a combined total of 4 points. They're playing with fire, and they're libel to get burned, like the crotch of so many a Ben Roethlisberger sexual partner.
Steelers 24-20
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Carolina
It's become clear that Seahawks are well aware of recent NFL history. They know that the last two Super Bowl champions were 10-6 and 9-7, respectively. So why bother racking up a bunch of wins during the regular season, right? Yeah that must be it. That being said I think the Hawks should go ahead and try to win this one. The NFL made that an easier task by scheduling this game for the afternoon. The extra time should help Pete Carroll cool down as he was clearly too jacked up last week, forcing him to make multiple coaching errors. With PC's jacked levels stabilized the Hawks should take this one.
Seahawks 22-13
Chicago @ Jacksonville
The Bears looked very impressive in their Monday Night Football victory over Dallas and they may, in fact, be headed to the top of the NFC. But this week they're playing the Jaguars which means the only place they're headed is ... The Corner Screen at the Shack!
Bears 23-16
Tennessee @ Minnesota
The Vikings are 3-1 and atop the NFC North. If you had told me that before the season I would have told you to go back to your time, you don't belong in the past anymore, take your knowledge of the first month of the 2012 NFL season and be gone. Or I might have simply shouted, "Spoiler alert!" Whichever way you slice it, it's definitely a surprise, but as the young season wears on it appears less and less like a fluke. With the woeful Titans coming to town there's no reason to think that Minnesota will take a step back. Well, there's one reason, but that might be asking too much of him at this point.
Vikings 28-17
Denver @ New England
The Manning/Brady rivalry is back! Yet, in a surprising turn of events, Eli has become Brady's biggest nemesis in Peyton's absence. It's like that part in Rudy when Rudy comes home to find that his scumbag older brother has taken up with his girlfriend. Yep, that's exactly what it's like. Last week the Patriots became the first team this season to top 50 points and the Broncos blew Oakland out by 31, unfortunately for these teams you don't get to carry over extra points into the next game (the NFL did away with that rule back in 1957). Of course, a home game against the Raiders and a trip to New England are two entirely different things, and while I'm confident that the Broncos are aware of that I'm not sure that there's much they'll be able to about it.
Patriots 30-20
Buffalo @ San Francisco
It's the Chris Berman Special! The Schwam picked this as his Super Bowl match-up every preseason from 1992-99, and it was funny every single time. It shouldn't be overlooked that the Bills run a West Coast offense and this game is being played on the West Coast. On second thought, yes, that should be overlooked as it will most likely make no difference.
49ers 27-13
Sunday Night
San Diego @ New Orleans
The NFL has ruled that Sean Payton can now attend Saints games. I'm guessing that we'll see improved play from a New Orleans team that will be trying to impress their coach. Although this also may lead to frustration when, for example, Payton is buying a hot dog and Drew Brees looks into the stands mid-play and shouts, "Coach you're not watching!" Odds are that won't happen more than a few times because Brees is a pro, and honestly, I mean how many hot dogs could Payton possibly eat during a game? I think the extra incentive will help get the Saints the win; they deal well with incentives.
Saints 34-27
Monday Night
Houston @ New York Jets
After Mark Sanchez led the Jets to zero points in their last outing many fans are crying out for Tim Tebow to get in the game more, their argument being how could he do worse than zero points? Obviously they haven't heard about the best kept secret in the NFL: negative points. Speaking of well kept secrets it's time for the Texans' undrafted running back Arian Foster to introduce himself to the league and the nation on this primetime stage. I'm telling you, keep an eye on this guy, he's got the potential to lead the league in rushing one day.
Texans 24-10
Miami @ Cincinnati
The Bengals' defense finally put a up a solid effort last week against the Jaguars. Go back and read the previous sentence, but pay extra attention to the last word. That's right, they were playing the Jaguars so their defense still has much to prove. This Sunday they'll be tasked with containing Brian Hartline who had more targets last week than Culver City. Just to be clear, there are 3 Targets in Culver City, which is 2 more than most cities but still nowhere near the amount of targets that Hartline, or many other receivers for that matter, had a week ago. I think the Cincy D will hold their own and keep the Dolphins' point total low, just like the low low prices at your nearest Target.
Bengals 27-19
Green Bay @ Indianapolis
Coming into last week at 1-2 the Packers were faced with something of a judgment day and Aaron Rodgers experienced a return to form reminiscent of the T1000 against New Orleans. As for Andrew Luck, he's turning heads as a rookie and making everyone say, "Have you seen this boy!?" Unfortunately for Luck the rest of this Colts team is making him understand why Indy fans cry. Expect Rodgers to have another big week.
Packers 35-20
Baltimore @ Kansas City
After getting their token win against the Saints in Week 3 the Chiefs returned to a losing form in a San Diegan thrashing, that is to say a thrashing by San Diego. With the Ravens coming to town don't expect much better from Kansas City, at least not until Kansas City starts expecting better from themselves. It's like, you're beautiful Kansas City, but no one's going to realize it until you do. I'm sorry you guys, it's just so damn frustrating.
Ravens 31-13
Atlanta @ Washington
In Week 4 the Falcons pulled an escape act that Harry Houdini himself would have been proud of. Of course, if Houdini had actually been watching the game he most likely would have said, "They're allowed to throw the ball!?" (Fun fact that isn't true: Houdini died in 1926, before the advent of the forward pass in American football) If we learned anything from that comeback it's that Atlanta is a hard team to beat; in fact, since they haven't lost yet this season it's fair to say that they're impossible to beat. But do you know what Robert Griffin's favorite movie is? Neither do I, though I think we can all agree if it were Mission: Impossible that would wrap this up pretty nicely wouldn't it.
Falcons 28-24
Cleveland @ New York Giants
As I watched Lawrence Tynes' 54 yard field goal attempt fall painfully short of the cross bar in the Giants' 19-17 loss to Philadelphia I thought one thing, "Costanza Theorem." So far, picking against my initial inclination in regards to the Giants has proven correct two straight weeks, but now comes its biggest test, the Cleveland Browns. That's the first time in years that the Browns have been the biggest test for anything or anybody, and that includes when they scrimmage against themselves, which shouldn't make sense but somehow it does (just trust me ... please?). Clearly the Giants should win, so as dictated by the Costanza Theorem I will pick Cleveland.
Browns 28-27
Philadelphia @ Pittsburgh
It's the rare Pennsylvanian intrastate game. This one reminds me of the Ryder Cup because it comes around only once every few years and it's filled with people that make me ashamed to be an American. Speaking of which, the Steelers expect to have James Harrison in the line-up for the first time this season. That just may make the difference in this one considering the difference for the Eagles has been razor thin so far this year. They've won 3 games by a combined total of 4 points. They're playing with fire, and they're libel to get burned, like the crotch of so many a Ben Roethlisberger sexual partner.
Steelers 24-20
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ Carolina
It's become clear that Seahawks are well aware of recent NFL history. They know that the last two Super Bowl champions were 10-6 and 9-7, respectively. So why bother racking up a bunch of wins during the regular season, right? Yeah that must be it. That being said I think the Hawks should go ahead and try to win this one. The NFL made that an easier task by scheduling this game for the afternoon. The extra time should help Pete Carroll cool down as he was clearly too jacked up last week, forcing him to make multiple coaching errors. With PC's jacked levels stabilized the Hawks should take this one.
Seahawks 22-13
Chicago @ Jacksonville
The Bears looked very impressive in their Monday Night Football victory over Dallas and they may, in fact, be headed to the top of the NFC. But this week they're playing the Jaguars which means the only place they're headed is ... The Corner Screen at the Shack!
Bears 23-16
Tennessee @ Minnesota
The Vikings are 3-1 and atop the NFC North. If you had told me that before the season I would have told you to go back to your time, you don't belong in the past anymore, take your knowledge of the first month of the 2012 NFL season and be gone. Or I might have simply shouted, "Spoiler alert!" Whichever way you slice it, it's definitely a surprise, but as the young season wears on it appears less and less like a fluke. With the woeful Titans coming to town there's no reason to think that Minnesota will take a step back. Well, there's one reason, but that might be asking too much of him at this point.
Vikings 28-17
Denver @ New England
The Manning/Brady rivalry is back! Yet, in a surprising turn of events, Eli has become Brady's biggest nemesis in Peyton's absence. It's like that part in Rudy when Rudy comes home to find that his scumbag older brother has taken up with his girlfriend. Yep, that's exactly what it's like. Last week the Patriots became the first team this season to top 50 points and the Broncos blew Oakland out by 31, unfortunately for these teams you don't get to carry over extra points into the next game (the NFL did away with that rule back in 1957). Of course, a home game against the Raiders and a trip to New England are two entirely different things, and while I'm confident that the Broncos are aware of that I'm not sure that there's much they'll be able to about it.
Patriots 30-20
Buffalo @ San Francisco
It's the Chris Berman Special! The Schwam picked this as his Super Bowl match-up every preseason from 1992-99, and it was funny every single time. It shouldn't be overlooked that the Bills run a West Coast offense and this game is being played on the West Coast. On second thought, yes, that should be overlooked as it will most likely make no difference.
49ers 27-13
Sunday Night
San Diego @ New Orleans
The NFL has ruled that Sean Payton can now attend Saints games. I'm guessing that we'll see improved play from a New Orleans team that will be trying to impress their coach. Although this also may lead to frustration when, for example, Payton is buying a hot dog and Drew Brees looks into the stands mid-play and shouts, "Coach you're not watching!" Odds are that won't happen more than a few times because Brees is a pro, and honestly, I mean how many hot dogs could Payton possibly eat during a game? I think the extra incentive will help get the Saints the win; they deal well with incentives.
Saints 34-27
Monday Night
Houston @ New York Jets
After Mark Sanchez led the Jets to zero points in their last outing many fans are crying out for Tim Tebow to get in the game more, their argument being how could he do worse than zero points? Obviously they haven't heard about the best kept secret in the NFL: negative points. Speaking of well kept secrets it's time for the Texans' undrafted running back Arian Foster to introduce himself to the league and the nation on this primetime stage. I'm telling you, keep an eye on this guy, he's got the potential to lead the league in rushing one day.
Texans 24-10
NFL Picks Week 5 - Thursday
Arizona @ St. Louis
With the exception of last week the Cardinals have proven quite capable of shutting down opposing offenses. There's just one problem, the Rams don't need an offense, as evidenced in their 19-13 "win" last week in which they relied special teams sorcery; once on a fake field goal touchdown and then on two separate field goals of 58 and 60 yards during which the leg of Greg Zuerlein was surely enhanced by some sort other worldly spell. Either that or Ram Rule #6 is "Crank the AC to help the home team's kicker." I think these crafty machinations will be enough to help them upset the Cardinals on a short week.
Rams 15-14
With the exception of last week the Cardinals have proven quite capable of shutting down opposing offenses. There's just one problem, the Rams don't need an offense, as evidenced in their 19-13 "win" last week in which they relied special teams sorcery; once on a fake field goal touchdown and then on two separate field goals of 58 and 60 yards during which the leg of Greg Zuerlein was surely enhanced by some sort other worldly spell. Either that or Ram Rule #6 is "Crank the AC to help the home team's kicker." I think these crafty machinations will be enough to help them upset the Cardinals on a short week.
Rams 15-14
9.27.2012
NFL Picks - Week 4
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ St. Louis
One thing has become clear after the oft-discussed Monday Night Football game between Seattle and Green Bay, the Seahawks never say die. What an heroic effort. One other thing that may not be as clear to the ignoramuses out there is that the Hawks D has become a force. Should they be reckoned with? Probably not. In their last 11 games the Hawks have given up more than 20 points only once in regulation, and that was in a game against the Redskins that I'm still convinced didn't actually happen. In the 2012 season Seattle is allowing 13 points per game, which is the lowest average in the NFL. Not to mention the fact that .... wait a minute, you guys know I'm picking the Hawks right? Ok.
Seahawks 20-9
Carolina @ Atlanta
The Falcons may just have the best resume in the NFL so far. But if you look closer you'll see a lot of padding. For instance, they put down that they were an "Executive Assistant" from '03-'06, I mean, that's just a fancy way of saying secretary right? I'm not sure I'm buying it just yet Atlanta. Though, I'm absolutely sure I'm not buying into the Panthers after their Thursday night stinker against the Giants in which Cam Newton still saw fit to do his Superman celebration after getting into the end zone to make the score 23-7 en route to a 36-7 loss. It was the equivalent of Clark Kent waiting until Metropolis is mostly rubble then saying, "Alright, I should probably find a phone booth."
Falcons 30-16
New England @ Buffalo
The Patriots come in to this game actually trailing the Bills in the AFC East standings. That shouldn't be a problem for Bill Belichick though, even if he has to chase down Buffalo himself, grab them by the arm and shout at them. He's normally pretty good at that. I just can't imagine New England losing a third straight game, but if it does happen it oughta be a lot of fun for everyone, right?
Patriots 35-24
Minnesota @ Detroit
After getting extremely lucky on a Hail Mary pass that probably shouldn't have counted the Lions proceeded to blow their game against the Titans in overtime last week on a fourth down sneak that apparently wasn't even supposed to have actually happened. Jim Schwartz tried to play it cool later on, but it was clear that, as is normally the case for him after a game, he was shaken up. Now Detroit will attempt to bounce back against the Vikings, who are led by world-beater Christian Ponder. Were you aware that he currently has a 104.9 passer rating, and his QBR is ... oh, never mind, nobody cares ESPN ... seriously nobody. Well maybe this guy, but that's it. As improved as Ponder has been I think the Lions have to have this one, a mindset that teams should always take into games, because it always results in a win (of course, that would mean that every team would win every game, but isn't that a world we'd all like to live in?).
Lions 26-23
San Diego @ Kansas City
Last week I picked the Chargers to beat the Falcons. They proceeded to lose 27-3. I don't have much of a point, I just figured I'd display some humility. Can you guys believe how humble I am? After their embarrassing loss, San Diego looks to rebound against a Chiefs team that has built some confidence with a road win over the Saints. In that win, Jamaal Charles had a 91 yard touchdown run and if he can manage two or three of those against the Chargers I think KC will have a good shot in this one (though they'd evidently be losing the field position battle).
Chiefs 23-20
San Francisco @ New York Jets
So what exactly happened to the 49ers last week? Was it merely a fluke, or a sign of things to come? Or maybe a flukey sign of things to come. No. That one doesn't make any sense; but neither did San Fran's loss to the Vikings last Sunday. Don't you see? Well I don't, I got lost in some sort of downward spiral on this one and I'm not sure I can pull myself out, so let's just get to the prediction. I think the Niners will handle the Jets here, unless Tebow gets in for an extended period of time, because that would, of course, result in a New York victory and squeals of glee across the nation.
49ers 24-12
Tennessee @ Houston
I think both teams should wear throwback Oilers uniforms in this game, just to mess with people. Unfortunately if they did, I'd guess that it would also "mess with" the players on the field, leading to a record number of interceptions and goofy blooper plays. While the five year old kids in attendance would be jazzed it's probably just not realistic. Alas, we're left with merely a normally uniformed match-up between the two, one which I'm not sure will be much of a contest.
Texans 31-17
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Jaguars won a game last week! That's such an unexpected phrase that it should be said with the same inflection as, "Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight!" So can they make it two in a row? Perhaps, but I'll have to crane my neck to find out because it'll be on ... (all together) ... The corner screen at the Shack! (Wow, thanks for joining in on that with me guys, I can really feel this gimmick gaining traction) The Bengals D looked unimpressive again last week, but they managed to squirm away with their 2nd win, those scumbags. If it's sort of broke, yet still functional don't fix it.
Bengals 30-23
Miami @ Arizona
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Cardinals are 3-0. And if you haven't heard you need to spend more time at the water cooler bro. The Cards are being discussed non-stop by casual fans, it's pretty much all that people are talking about in regards to the NFL this year. And with good reason, the Arizona defense has been dominate to this point, and they show no signs of letting up. Of course, I haven't been watching them practice, so it's entirely possible that they've been showing signs of letting up all week, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Cardinals 23-13
Oakland @ Denver
I was really excited that the main guy from Detroit Rock City got his first win as coach of the Raiders. It was one of those classic early season Oakland shootouts that seem surreal because of the non-stop action and the fact that there's a pitcher's mound on the field. Meanwhile Peyton Manning has made a habit of launching furious 4th quarter comebacks after digging himself giant holes to start off the game. Manning is hoping for a more regular performance this week, and I think he'll get just that.
Broncos 35-21
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Obviously the Packers' main weakness is defending the deep ball, which is something that Drew Brees could certainly exploit. Unfortunately, the Saints' main weakness so far this season has been winning games, which could prove detrimental to them as the season wears on. It seems obvious to pick a shootout in this one, and the 2012 season has been nothing if not obvious. I see this one ending with Green Bay getting a late stop for once, they're due.
Packers 38-33
Washington @ Tampa Bay
So the Bucs were again faced with an end of game situation in which they were within a possession, and the other team was kneeling on the ball to run out the clock, and what did Greg Schiano decide to do? The exact same thing he did against the Giants in Week 2, bull rush the Center in an attempt to cause a fumble. And ya know what? I loved it. Some folks were in up in arms the first time around but Schiano stuck to his guns and came out guns blazing (and yes, the guns that he stuck to and the guns that he blazed were the very same guns). I'm sold on this guy's 'tude.
Buccaneers 27-20
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have beaten the Giants in 6 of their last 7 meetings, but New York has won 5 straight road games (including the playoffs), so clearly something has to give. After the Giants came out and dominated Carolina last week, and the Eagles offense looked lost against Arizona it would seem logical to pick New York. But like I said last time, my new strategy with the Giants is to go against my initial inclination, call it the Costanza Theorem (unless somebody's already used that).
Eagles 28-27
Monday Night
Dallas @ Chicago
Both teams come into this game with 2-1 records and a boatload of question marks (Fun Fact that isn't true: "Boatload of Question Marks" was the title of the DC comic book Batman, issue #81, in which the Riddler rigs a yacht filled with puzzles for the Caped Crusader to solve; it's known among fanboys as the second worst issue in the book's history). But instead of focusing on the actual teams participating in this game I'd like to take issue with the announcing team that will be covering it. We've all witnessed the nasty smear campaign that ESPN and the rest of the sports media has launched this week against those poor replacement referees that were only doing their best during last week's Monday Night game. Of course, the criticism originated with the announcers on the scene, Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden. They treated the touchdown call as something of a national tragedy (Gruden actually used the word "tragic" at one point). Ok, so they thought it was clearly an interception ... or did they!? Listen to Tirico's original call of the play here. At the :28 mark he says, "...Simultaneous ..." So, right when the play happened, Tirico saw the same thing as the refs on the field. Those who live in glass announcing booths should not throw stones.
Bears 16-13
Seattle @ St. Louis
One thing has become clear after the oft-discussed Monday Night Football game between Seattle and Green Bay, the Seahawks never say die. What an heroic effort. One other thing that may not be as clear to the ignoramuses out there is that the Hawks D has become a force. Should they be reckoned with? Probably not. In their last 11 games the Hawks have given up more than 20 points only once in regulation, and that was in a game against the Redskins that I'm still convinced didn't actually happen. In the 2012 season Seattle is allowing 13 points per game, which is the lowest average in the NFL. Not to mention the fact that .... wait a minute, you guys know I'm picking the Hawks right? Ok.
Seahawks 20-9
Carolina @ Atlanta
The Falcons may just have the best resume in the NFL so far. But if you look closer you'll see a lot of padding. For instance, they put down that they were an "Executive Assistant" from '03-'06, I mean, that's just a fancy way of saying secretary right? I'm not sure I'm buying it just yet Atlanta. Though, I'm absolutely sure I'm not buying into the Panthers after their Thursday night stinker against the Giants in which Cam Newton still saw fit to do his Superman celebration after getting into the end zone to make the score 23-7 en route to a 36-7 loss. It was the equivalent of Clark Kent waiting until Metropolis is mostly rubble then saying, "Alright, I should probably find a phone booth."
Falcons 30-16
New England @ Buffalo
The Patriots come in to this game actually trailing the Bills in the AFC East standings. That shouldn't be a problem for Bill Belichick though, even if he has to chase down Buffalo himself, grab them by the arm and shout at them. He's normally pretty good at that. I just can't imagine New England losing a third straight game, but if it does happen it oughta be a lot of fun for everyone, right?
Patriots 35-24
Minnesota @ Detroit
After getting extremely lucky on a Hail Mary pass that probably shouldn't have counted the Lions proceeded to blow their game against the Titans in overtime last week on a fourth down sneak that apparently wasn't even supposed to have actually happened. Jim Schwartz tried to play it cool later on, but it was clear that, as is normally the case for him after a game, he was shaken up. Now Detroit will attempt to bounce back against the Vikings, who are led by world-beater Christian Ponder. Were you aware that he currently has a 104.9 passer rating, and his QBR is ... oh, never mind, nobody cares ESPN ... seriously nobody. Well maybe this guy, but that's it. As improved as Ponder has been I think the Lions have to have this one, a mindset that teams should always take into games, because it always results in a win (of course, that would mean that every team would win every game, but isn't that a world we'd all like to live in?).
Lions 26-23
San Diego @ Kansas City
Last week I picked the Chargers to beat the Falcons. They proceeded to lose 27-3. I don't have much of a point, I just figured I'd display some humility. Can you guys believe how humble I am? After their embarrassing loss, San Diego looks to rebound against a Chiefs team that has built some confidence with a road win over the Saints. In that win, Jamaal Charles had a 91 yard touchdown run and if he can manage two or three of those against the Chargers I think KC will have a good shot in this one (though they'd evidently be losing the field position battle).
Chiefs 23-20
San Francisco @ New York Jets
So what exactly happened to the 49ers last week? Was it merely a fluke, or a sign of things to come? Or maybe a flukey sign of things to come. No. That one doesn't make any sense; but neither did San Fran's loss to the Vikings last Sunday. Don't you see? Well I don't, I got lost in some sort of downward spiral on this one and I'm not sure I can pull myself out, so let's just get to the prediction. I think the Niners will handle the Jets here, unless Tebow gets in for an extended period of time, because that would, of course, result in a New York victory and squeals of glee across the nation.
49ers 24-12
Tennessee @ Houston
I think both teams should wear throwback Oilers uniforms in this game, just to mess with people. Unfortunately if they did, I'd guess that it would also "mess with" the players on the field, leading to a record number of interceptions and goofy blooper plays. While the five year old kids in attendance would be jazzed it's probably just not realistic. Alas, we're left with merely a normally uniformed match-up between the two, one which I'm not sure will be much of a contest.
Texans 31-17
Sunday Afternoon
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Jaguars won a game last week! That's such an unexpected phrase that it should be said with the same inflection as, "Daniel LaRusso's gonna fight!" So can they make it two in a row? Perhaps, but I'll have to crane my neck to find out because it'll be on ... (all together) ... The corner screen at the Shack! (Wow, thanks for joining in on that with me guys, I can really feel this gimmick gaining traction) The Bengals D looked unimpressive again last week, but they managed to squirm away with their 2nd win, those scumbags. If it's sort of broke, yet still functional don't fix it.
Bengals 30-23
Miami @ Arizona
As I'm sure you've heard by now, the Cardinals are 3-0. And if you haven't heard you need to spend more time at the water cooler bro. The Cards are being discussed non-stop by casual fans, it's pretty much all that people are talking about in regards to the NFL this year. And with good reason, the Arizona defense has been dominate to this point, and they show no signs of letting up. Of course, I haven't been watching them practice, so it's entirely possible that they've been showing signs of letting up all week, but I'll give them the benefit of the doubt here.
Cardinals 23-13
Oakland @ Denver
I was really excited that the main guy from Detroit Rock City got his first win as coach of the Raiders. It was one of those classic early season Oakland shootouts that seem surreal because of the non-stop action and the fact that there's a pitcher's mound on the field. Meanwhile Peyton Manning has made a habit of launching furious 4th quarter comebacks after digging himself giant holes to start off the game. Manning is hoping for a more regular performance this week, and I think he'll get just that.
Broncos 35-21
New Orleans @ Green Bay
Obviously the Packers' main weakness is defending the deep ball, which is something that Drew Brees could certainly exploit. Unfortunately, the Saints' main weakness so far this season has been winning games, which could prove detrimental to them as the season wears on. It seems obvious to pick a shootout in this one, and the 2012 season has been nothing if not obvious. I see this one ending with Green Bay getting a late stop for once, they're due.
Packers 38-33
Washington @ Tampa Bay
So the Bucs were again faced with an end of game situation in which they were within a possession, and the other team was kneeling on the ball to run out the clock, and what did Greg Schiano decide to do? The exact same thing he did against the Giants in Week 2, bull rush the Center in an attempt to cause a fumble. And ya know what? I loved it. Some folks were in up in arms the first time around but Schiano stuck to his guns and came out guns blazing (and yes, the guns that he stuck to and the guns that he blazed were the very same guns). I'm sold on this guy's 'tude.
Buccaneers 27-20
Sunday Night
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The Eagles have beaten the Giants in 6 of their last 7 meetings, but New York has won 5 straight road games (including the playoffs), so clearly something has to give. After the Giants came out and dominated Carolina last week, and the Eagles offense looked lost against Arizona it would seem logical to pick New York. But like I said last time, my new strategy with the Giants is to go against my initial inclination, call it the Costanza Theorem (unless somebody's already used that).
Eagles 28-27
Monday Night
Dallas @ Chicago
Both teams come into this game with 2-1 records and a boatload of question marks (Fun Fact that isn't true: "Boatload of Question Marks" was the title of the DC comic book Batman, issue #81, in which the Riddler rigs a yacht filled with puzzles for the Caped Crusader to solve; it's known among fanboys as the second worst issue in the book's history). But instead of focusing on the actual teams participating in this game I'd like to take issue with the announcing team that will be covering it. We've all witnessed the nasty smear campaign that ESPN and the rest of the sports media has launched this week against those poor replacement referees that were only doing their best during last week's Monday Night game. Of course, the criticism originated with the announcers on the scene, Mike Tirico and Jon Gruden. They treated the touchdown call as something of a national tragedy (Gruden actually used the word "tragic" at one point). Ok, so they thought it was clearly an interception ... or did they!? Listen to Tirico's original call of the play here. At the :28 mark he says, "...Simultaneous ..." So, right when the play happened, Tirico saw the same thing as the refs on the field. Those who live in glass announcing booths should not throw stones.
Bears 16-13
9.26.2012
NFL Picks Week 4 - Thursday
Cleveland @ Baltimore
Yikes, this mismatch may wind up being more painful to watch than Miss Match. In their last six games against the Ravens, the Browns have averaged 9 points, and with the Baltimore cranking up the O to the tune of 26 points per game so far this season it doesn't seem like we'll have much of a game here. But don't tell that to Pat Sherman! The reason you shouldn't tell him that is because the Browns coach is actually named Pat Shurmur. You probably shouldn't say anything to him either though, he's got a tough game coming up and the last thing he needs is some snot-nosed buttface telling him he's going to lose. But anyway, the Browns are going to lose.
Ravens 26-9
Yikes, this mismatch may wind up being more painful to watch than Miss Match. In their last six games against the Ravens, the Browns have averaged 9 points, and with the Baltimore cranking up the O to the tune of 26 points per game so far this season it doesn't seem like we'll have much of a game here. But don't tell that to Pat Sherman! The reason you shouldn't tell him that is because the Browns coach is actually named Pat Shurmur. You probably shouldn't say anything to him either though, he's got a tough game coming up and the last thing he needs is some snot-nosed buttface telling him he's going to lose. But anyway, the Browns are going to lose.
Ravens 26-9
9.20.2012
NFL Picks - Week 3
Sunday Morning
St. Louis @ Chicago
The Rams are 1-1. Not a big deal, you say? Well would you like to know the last time that St. Louis started 1-1? Me too. Somebody look that up. Anyway, this year's team seems to have actually turned things around, at least on the offensive side of the ball. The Rams' O has averaged 27 points over the first two weeks, a marked improvement over the 12.1 ppg that they put up in 2011. How marked? Totes marked. Of course, their defense has also allowed 27.5 ppg, so it's still a bit hard to take them seriously. Speaking of making it hard to take you seriously. I thought I'd seen pouting before, but last Thursday Jay Cutler reached new heights even for him, and those are unbelievable heights, we're talking Robert Wadlow style here. The deciding factor in this contest will most likely be the Bears defense, which actually played pretty well for most of the game against Green Bay, and playing pretty well is precisely the blueprint for beating St. Louis.
Bears 31-24
Buffalo @ Cleveland
It's a Rustbelt showdown! Fun fact that isn't true: these were the two most populous cities in the 1930 US Census. As a tribute to this, I feel like the game should be banned from TV and probably radio too. Ideally the only reports of this game would be provided by ticker tape. And you better bring a shitload of it, because this one could go alllllll night! Actually that could not happen due to the NFL rules. Come to think of it, a tie would be a fitting end for this throwback, but I know you folks don't come here for ties, this isn't the Men's Wearhouse. That being said, at the end of this game, if you're a Bills fan you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Bills 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
Both of these teams have played the Giants, so if we simply employ the transitive property based on their games against that mutual opponent it's clear that the Cowboys will win. Of course, it's common knowledge that Bucs' coach Greg Schiano's favorite saying is, "Fuck the transitive property." In fact, that's what he said to Tom Coughlin during their postgame altercation, which explains why Coughlin looked so confused; it had nothing to do with Tampa being over-zealous on the game's final snap. Speaking of which, it seems to me that the Bucs were simply playing the game all the way until the bitter end, a kind of never say die attitude that the Cowboys clearly don't have. And it's for that very reason that I'm picking Dallas. I admire a team that knows when to die.
Cowboys 23-18
New York Jets @ Miami
It's almost here. After a sub-par Week 2 performance from Mark Sanchez, Jets fans are most likely getting a little antsy. Now all it will take is Sanchez wilting in the Miami heat to set up a day of reckoning when the Jets return to New York in Week 3 to play San Francisco. Obviously Sanch will struggle mightily in the first half, leading the masses to chant His name. And then we will see Him rise again. And they will call Him Tebow, and He will be good. For this prophecy to come true it will require a second straight home win from the Dolphins. This might be asking too much, or maybe ... not enough? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dolphins 21-14
San Francisco @ Minnesota
A lot of people are saying that the 49ers are the best team in the NFL. Of course, those people aren't me. For starters I'm only one person, it would be impossible for me to be people. It's just logic folks. Is San Francisco the best team in the league? I'll hold my judgment until after the Super Bowl, I never jump to conclusions when declaring the league's best team. Is San Francisco good enough to beat the Vikings? If you're talking about the Christian Ponder led Vikings, then yes, they're good enough.
49ers 23-9
Kansas City @ New Orleans
This promises to be one of the more entertaining games during the morning due in large part to the fact that both teams' defenses have been so god-awful. They've each relinquished an average of 37.5 points per game, leading me to believe that this will be a high scoring affair, and on a broader scale just leading me to believe again. Look, I can't get too into it here but these abominable defenses have opened me up spiritually in ways I could never have imagined so soon after the accident. I'm sorry, I can't continue any further with this game, it's getting too deep.
Saints 41-28
Cincinnati @ Washington
With RG3 at the helm the Redskins offense has become nothing short of dynamic, while the Bengals defense has been everything short of dynamic. This looks like a recipe for a Washington scoring outburst. And this looks like a recipe for banana bread.
Redskins 35-25
Detroit @ Tennessee
The Titans have managed just 23 points so far this season. I'm not saying that Jake Locker shouldn't be their starting quarterback, but it's clear that the Gods are angered, or maybe just confused by the fact that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the sideline. It's just unnatural, though it does give him ample opportunity to wear a hat. It would appear that for the time being Tennessee will stick with Locker, at least until a giant spear descends from the heavens and pierces midfield. After that they'll probably figure it out.
Lions 30-17
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
After showing signs of life in Week 1, the Jaguars revealed their true selves in a 27-7 home loss to the Texans. And it's this kind of putrid consistency that will most likely relegate them to the Corner Screen at The Shack for a second week in this young season. Maybe they'll surprise us all and pull out a win, and congrats to them if they do. I'll have to take your word for it though, because I refuse to watch.
Colts 20-13
Sunday Afternoon
Philadelphia @ Arizona
It's a battle of unbeaten teams that could easily be a battle of winless teams. The Eagles and Cards have won their four games by a combined total of eight points. Michael Vick has already thrown six interceptions this season, meanwhile the Cardinals quarterback is Kevin Kolb. Hey speaking of Kolb, this is his chance to finally get revenge against Philadelphia, the team that traded him allowing him to sign a gigantic, unwarranted contract with Arizona. Man I can't wait to see what he's got in store for those bastards. Judging by both of these teams' games so far this figures to be a nail-biter, after which we still won't be sure if either team is good.
Cardinals 19-17
Atlanta @ San Diego
Both of these teams also come into this match-up undefeated, and while the Chargers have looked fairly tough to beat so far, the Falcons may have just the key to handing them their first loss: competent long-snapping. In fact, if there was a ticking time bomb that had to be disposed of, and for whatever reason the only viable option of disposing of that time bomb was bending over and flinging the time bomb between your legs, I wouldn't want anybody other than Josh Harris to do the job. And just to reiterate, that "job" is flinging a ticking time bomb through his legs while bent over. Unfortunately, while on a football field Harris's impact is limited, and with his team coming off a short week and a long plane flight I'll have to go with San Diego.
Chargers 27-24
Houston @ Denver
The Texans continue to stake their claim as the best team in the AFC. Of course, they've staked said claim on the withered corpses of the Jaguars and the Dolphins, who were being guided by a clearly petrified Ryan Tannehill in his first start. This figures to be Houston's first real test as they travel to Denver to take on Peyton Manning, who almost led his team to a stunning comeback victory last week. Of course, the reason they were trailing by so much is because of his atrocious first half. I think Manning will find a balance in this game and just be pretty bad throughout.
Texans 24-17
Pittsburgh @ Oakland
It's a rematch of the Immaculate Reception game, which of course makes me wonder how long it would take the replacement refs to review that play if it happened on Sunday. My guess is 47 minutes, which is also my guess for how many actual game clock minutes it will take the Raiders to score points in this contest.
Steelers 20-3
Sunday Night
New England @ Baltimore
Surprisingly, one of these teams will fall to 1-2 by the time this game is done. I mean, it's not that surprising since they're both 1-1 right now, but you get what I'm saying, right? I'll just assume you said yes; and if you said no, c'mon, stop being a dick. Speaking of being a dick, the Patriots are apparently freezing out Wes Welker. What did he ever do to them besides drop the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl and then ask for a new contract the next season? It seems pretty petty to me, and I think it will only hurt this team as long as their dispute lingers on.
Ravens 26-23
Monday Night
Green Bay @ Seattle
It's official, the Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Look, I'm not making this up. According to a stat called SRS, which rates a team's quality relative to average, with 0 being average, the Hawks rate a league best 27.7. Do I fully understand SRS? No. But I understand that it gets results, correct results. I was a bit worried about the Hawks' match-up with Green Bay, but SRS has never steered me wrong in the past. Another interesting tidbit I discovered this week is that the Seattle secondary refers to itself as the Legion of Boom. Well, I'm on board! And I'm willing to bet that after a few long runs by Marshawn, the DBs will be on the sideline saying, "Ohhhhhhhh what a rush!"
Seahawks 24-21
St. Louis @ Chicago
The Rams are 1-1. Not a big deal, you say? Well would you like to know the last time that St. Louis started 1-1? Me too. Somebody look that up. Anyway, this year's team seems to have actually turned things around, at least on the offensive side of the ball. The Rams' O has averaged 27 points over the first two weeks, a marked improvement over the 12.1 ppg that they put up in 2011. How marked? Totes marked. Of course, their defense has also allowed 27.5 ppg, so it's still a bit hard to take them seriously. Speaking of making it hard to take you seriously. I thought I'd seen pouting before, but last Thursday Jay Cutler reached new heights even for him, and those are unbelievable heights, we're talking Robert Wadlow style here. The deciding factor in this contest will most likely be the Bears defense, which actually played pretty well for most of the game against Green Bay, and playing pretty well is precisely the blueprint for beating St. Louis.
Bears 31-24
Buffalo @ Cleveland
It's a Rustbelt showdown! Fun fact that isn't true: these were the two most populous cities in the 1930 US Census. As a tribute to this, I feel like the game should be banned from TV and probably radio too. Ideally the only reports of this game would be provided by ticker tape. And you better bring a shitload of it, because this one could go alllllll night! Actually that could not happen due to the NFL rules. Come to think of it, a tie would be a fitting end for this throwback, but I know you folks don't come here for ties, this isn't the Men's Wearhouse. That being said, at the end of this game, if you're a Bills fan you're gonna like the way you look, I guarantee it.
Bills 27-23
Tampa Bay @ Dallas
Both of these teams have played the Giants, so if we simply employ the transitive property based on their games against that mutual opponent it's clear that the Cowboys will win. Of course, it's common knowledge that Bucs' coach Greg Schiano's favorite saying is, "Fuck the transitive property." In fact, that's what he said to Tom Coughlin during their postgame altercation, which explains why Coughlin looked so confused; it had nothing to do with Tampa being over-zealous on the game's final snap. Speaking of which, it seems to me that the Bucs were simply playing the game all the way until the bitter end, a kind of never say die attitude that the Cowboys clearly don't have. And it's for that very reason that I'm picking Dallas. I admire a team that knows when to die.
Cowboys 23-18
New York Jets @ Miami
It's almost here. After a sub-par Week 2 performance from Mark Sanchez, Jets fans are most likely getting a little antsy. Now all it will take is Sanchez wilting in the Miami heat to set up a day of reckoning when the Jets return to New York in Week 3 to play San Francisco. Obviously Sanch will struggle mightily in the first half, leading the masses to chant His name. And then we will see Him rise again. And they will call Him Tebow, and He will be good. For this prophecy to come true it will require a second straight home win from the Dolphins. This might be asking too much, or maybe ... not enough? Yeah, that makes sense.
Dolphins 21-14
San Francisco @ Minnesota
A lot of people are saying that the 49ers are the best team in the NFL. Of course, those people aren't me. For starters I'm only one person, it would be impossible for me to be people. It's just logic folks. Is San Francisco the best team in the league? I'll hold my judgment until after the Super Bowl, I never jump to conclusions when declaring the league's best team. Is San Francisco good enough to beat the Vikings? If you're talking about the Christian Ponder led Vikings, then yes, they're good enough.
49ers 23-9
Kansas City @ New Orleans
This promises to be one of the more entertaining games during the morning due in large part to the fact that both teams' defenses have been so god-awful. They've each relinquished an average of 37.5 points per game, leading me to believe that this will be a high scoring affair, and on a broader scale just leading me to believe again. Look, I can't get too into it here but these abominable defenses have opened me up spiritually in ways I could never have imagined so soon after the accident. I'm sorry, I can't continue any further with this game, it's getting too deep.
Saints 41-28
Cincinnati @ Washington
With RG3 at the helm the Redskins offense has become nothing short of dynamic, while the Bengals defense has been everything short of dynamic. This looks like a recipe for a Washington scoring outburst. And this looks like a recipe for banana bread.
Redskins 35-25
Detroit @ Tennessee
The Titans have managed just 23 points so far this season. I'm not saying that Jake Locker shouldn't be their starting quarterback, but it's clear that the Gods are angered, or maybe just confused by the fact that Matthew Hasselbeck is on the sideline. It's just unnatural, though it does give him ample opportunity to wear a hat. It would appear that for the time being Tennessee will stick with Locker, at least until a giant spear descends from the heavens and pierces midfield. After that they'll probably figure it out.
Lions 30-17
Jacksonville @ Indianapolis
After showing signs of life in Week 1, the Jaguars revealed their true selves in a 27-7 home loss to the Texans. And it's this kind of putrid consistency that will most likely relegate them to the Corner Screen at The Shack for a second week in this young season. Maybe they'll surprise us all and pull out a win, and congrats to them if they do. I'll have to take your word for it though, because I refuse to watch.
Colts 20-13
Sunday Afternoon
Philadelphia @ Arizona
It's a battle of unbeaten teams that could easily be a battle of winless teams. The Eagles and Cards have won their four games by a combined total of eight points. Michael Vick has already thrown six interceptions this season, meanwhile the Cardinals quarterback is Kevin Kolb. Hey speaking of Kolb, this is his chance to finally get revenge against Philadelphia, the team that traded him allowing him to sign a gigantic, unwarranted contract with Arizona. Man I can't wait to see what he's got in store for those bastards. Judging by both of these teams' games so far this figures to be a nail-biter, after which we still won't be sure if either team is good.
Cardinals 19-17
Atlanta @ San Diego
Both of these teams also come into this match-up undefeated, and while the Chargers have looked fairly tough to beat so far, the Falcons may have just the key to handing them their first loss: competent long-snapping. In fact, if there was a ticking time bomb that had to be disposed of, and for whatever reason the only viable option of disposing of that time bomb was bending over and flinging the time bomb between your legs, I wouldn't want anybody other than Josh Harris to do the job. And just to reiterate, that "job" is flinging a ticking time bomb through his legs while bent over. Unfortunately, while on a football field Harris's impact is limited, and with his team coming off a short week and a long plane flight I'll have to go with San Diego.
Chargers 27-24
Houston @ Denver
The Texans continue to stake their claim as the best team in the AFC. Of course, they've staked said claim on the withered corpses of the Jaguars and the Dolphins, who were being guided by a clearly petrified Ryan Tannehill in his first start. This figures to be Houston's first real test as they travel to Denver to take on Peyton Manning, who almost led his team to a stunning comeback victory last week. Of course, the reason they were trailing by so much is because of his atrocious first half. I think Manning will find a balance in this game and just be pretty bad throughout.
Texans 24-17
Pittsburgh @ Oakland
It's a rematch of the Immaculate Reception game, which of course makes me wonder how long it would take the replacement refs to review that play if it happened on Sunday. My guess is 47 minutes, which is also my guess for how many actual game clock minutes it will take the Raiders to score points in this contest.
Steelers 20-3
Sunday Night
New England @ Baltimore
Surprisingly, one of these teams will fall to 1-2 by the time this game is done. I mean, it's not that surprising since they're both 1-1 right now, but you get what I'm saying, right? I'll just assume you said yes; and if you said no, c'mon, stop being a dick. Speaking of being a dick, the Patriots are apparently freezing out Wes Welker. What did he ever do to them besides drop the pass that would have clinched the Super Bowl and then ask for a new contract the next season? It seems pretty petty to me, and I think it will only hurt this team as long as their dispute lingers on.
Ravens 26-23
Monday Night
Green Bay @ Seattle
It's official, the Seahawks are the best team in the NFL. Look, I'm not making this up. According to a stat called SRS, which rates a team's quality relative to average, with 0 being average, the Hawks rate a league best 27.7. Do I fully understand SRS? No. But I understand that it gets results, correct results. I was a bit worried about the Hawks' match-up with Green Bay, but SRS has never steered me wrong in the past. Another interesting tidbit I discovered this week is that the Seattle secondary refers to itself as the Legion of Boom. Well, I'm on board! And I'm willing to bet that after a few long runs by Marshawn, the DBs will be on the sideline saying, "Ohhhhhhhh what a rush!"
Seahawks 24-21
9.19.2012
NFL Picks Week 3 - Thursday
New York Giants @ Carolina
It dawned on me recently that for most of the 2012 season we'll only have to wait two days at any given time to see a live NFL game. While that's fantastic for jerks like me who make a living off of writing about football (entirely untrue) it's probably not so great for the people who actually have to play the football. To ask a team to play on three days rest might be asking too much, especially for the road team. Case in point, the home team is 10-2 in the last 12 Thursday games. Of course, this would point to a sure fire W for the Panthers. However, my recent history picking Giants games is spotty at best, shoddy at fair, and shatty at worst. I've picked 9 of their last 11 regular season games incorrectly. It's clear at this point that I should go against my initial inclination. Of course, by telling you this it basically allows me to say I picked both teams, so bully for me!
Giants 28-26
It dawned on me recently that for most of the 2012 season we'll only have to wait two days at any given time to see a live NFL game. While that's fantastic for jerks like me who make a living off of writing about football (entirely untrue) it's probably not so great for the people who actually have to play the football. To ask a team to play on three days rest might be asking too much, especially for the road team. Case in point, the home team is 10-2 in the last 12 Thursday games. Of course, this would point to a sure fire W for the Panthers. However, my recent history picking Giants games is spotty at best, shoddy at fair, and shatty at worst. I've picked 9 of their last 11 regular season games incorrectly. It's clear at this point that I should go against my initial inclination. Of course, by telling you this it basically allows me to say I picked both teams, so bully for me!
Giants 28-26
9.13.2012
NFL Picks - Week 2
Welcome back to the most unbiased set of picks on the internet.
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ New England
The Cardinals, what a bunch of assholes. I hate these jerks. Hopefully they lose. And what better team to make them lose than the Patriots. New England makes so many teams lose that they should change their name from the Patriots to the Lossmakers. Hmm, no, that would not be a good name.
Patriots 30-13
Kansas City @ Buffalo
Both of these teams laid an egg last week. Those eggs were then taken inside and used to make a terrible omelet, one that didn't even flip well; pretty pathetic. This week they'll each try to end up on the right side of the skillet. The Chiefs struggled mightily in pass defense against the Falcons, but that probably won't be an issue considering they're facing Ryan Fitzpatrick this week.
Chiefs 24-23
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Sadly it appears that the Battle for Ohio may be relegated to the ol' Corner Screen at the Shack come Sunday. Brandon Weeden's four interception performance in Week 1 against the Eagles makes me think that maybe he should have waited until his 30s to turn pro. Unfortunately there's no going back now, so here we are, on a runaway freight train heading for a match-up between two red-headed QBs. Did I ever think we'd see this day? Yes, but I assumed it would be hundreds of years down the road when the human gene pool becomes so mixed that red is the only remaining hair color. Why would that be the case, you might ask? ..... I'll go with Cincinnati.
Bengals 23-16
Minnesota @ Indianapolis
Last week the Vikings became the first team in the history of the NFL to make a field goal in overtime and still have to play defense afterward. I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize or just didn't remember that the OT rule change had expanded to the regular season. And if I was confused I can't even imagine how perplexed Donovan McNabb was. He was especially miffed because he showed up to the MetroDome earlier in the day expecting to play only to be informed by the security guard that he was no longer a member of the Vikings. As for people actually playing in this game, it would appear that Adrian Peterson is fairly healthy after his 2 TD performance against the Jags, while Andrew Luck seemed steady, yet over-matched, in a loss to the Bears. I'm going to guess that Luck gets his first win in his home debut. And by home I mean Indianapolis, this game is not literally being played at Andrew Luck's house; that would be stupid.
Colts 23-20
New Orleans @ Carolina
It became glaringly clear last week that with no extra incentive the Saints just aren't motivated. Can you imagine how lame it would be to sack a guy for free when you used to get 10 Gs for it? It's just not fun. As for the Panthers, Cam Newton struggled in Tampa, but as we all know, Newton's Law says, "If at first you don't succeed, hang in there baby," and then there's a picture of a cat hanging from something. So if we follow that edict it would stand to reason that Cam will bounce back this week, but will he bounce back far enough? Or perhaps he'll bounce so far back that he ends up falling on his face. Tough to say ... but I have to say, that's my job. (ok, here ya go)
Saints 33-28
Houston @ Jacksonville
Great football minds across the nation were mystified last week when Blaine Gabbert managed to put together a competent game as an NFL quarterback. Many who watched the game theorized that they were actually watching their nephew play Madden on the 'Easy' setting. Those who heard the game on radio naturally assumed that it was Blaine Gabbert's birthday and they were actually listening to one of those fantasy tapes that people used to get as presents. But nay, twas actually a true contest of footballian proportions. Of course, Gabbert and the Jags lost and now they're matched up with what may be one of the best teams in the AFC. Jacksonville might give Houston a run in this one, but even some little jerk playing Madden wouldn't be able to get them the win here.
Texans 34-24
Oakland @ Miami
Do I have to? I would gladly pick against both of these teams this week, unfortunately they're playing each other, so here we are. Darren McFadden caught 13 passes last week, which would be great for a wide receiver, but for a running back it comes across as slightly troubling. If Carson Palmer manages to pass the ball further than 10 yards down field (to his own team) I think the Raiders will have a good chance. Oh, and Tannehll sucks.
Raiders 17-13
Tampa Bay @ New York Giants
The Giants' opening week loss would seem troubling if they hadn't lost their first game last season and then proceeded to win only two more games than they lost throughout the entirety of the regular season. In other words, the only time anybody should be worried about the Giants' chance of winning the Super Bowl is when they're mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. That being said they're probably screwed.
Buccaneers 22-20
Baltimore @ Philadelphia
Did anybody make a Michael Vick/Dog Pound joke last week when the Eagles visited Cleveland? If so I didn't hear about it. What a collectively missed opportunity by our nation as a whole. Of course, there's also the possibility that we've finally moved on. Either way it's a let down. Speaking of let downs, Michael Vick threw four interceptions last Sunday in a near loss to the Browns. It makes sense though, Vick's poor play was obviously a direct result of him being frightened by the Dog Pound! Now that that's out of the way we can take an in depth look at this week's game. I like Baltimore.
Ravens 26-17
Sunday Afternoon
Washington @ St. Louis
If you'll remember, in last week's post (and I recommend going over each one a few times to fully grasp them) I said I was close to picking the Rams in an upset. As it turns out, the Rams were close to picking themselves in an upset as well, but then the 4th quarter came and they got frightened because they had a lead and they weren't quite sure what to do. Meanwhile RG3 burst onto the scene in a Week 1 dismantling of the Saints. I can't wait to see what he's got planned for this Sunday. If I've learned anything from Hollywood it's that sequels are always bigger and better (I'd cite examples, but there's just too many).
Redskins 24-21
Dallas @ Seattle
In a confusing turn of events the Seahawks decided to continue sandbagging the rest of the league by losing in Week 1. That's cool, I guess, I mean I look like an asshole now, but I assume that there's a "bigger picture" mindset going on here, so one loss is no big deal. Now the Cowboys come to town for the first time since Romo - football + Babineaux = 21-20. Will Romo be traumatized by these events and immediately start convulsing and drooling like he ordered the fish for dinner the second he sets foot inside the CLink? Yes, absolutely. I don't see any scenario in which that wouldn't happen.
Seahawks 24-19
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
I have to say, the Jets surprised me with their offensive explosion last week against the Bills. The most surprising, and disturbing, aspect of which was that Tim Tebow was not involved whatsoever. Why even sign Tebow if you're not going to use him? What a tease, just like Tebow himself. For women I mean ... Ohhhh shit. Hey, let's talk football! The Steelers were nice enough to lose to Peyton Manning in his return to the NFL but now it's time to get down to biz (or business as they say in Pittsburgh). This week I think the Jets come back to earth (pun very intended AGAIN).
Steelers 28-16
Tennessee @ San Diego
Last year Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding blew out his knee on the season's opening kickoff. This year in Week 1 he came back and nailed five field goals and shoved it right down all of our throats. Take that America! You won't have Nate Kaeding to push around anymore. Though, if you see Nate Kaeding in public odds are you could probably push him around if you wanted to, he's a very tiny man, wee even. This week San Diego has a chance to make a statement by beating Tennessee. I'm not sure exactly what that statement would be, but it would probably be something to the effect of, "Hooray, we're 2-0!"
Chargers 24-17
Sunday Night
Detroit @ San Francisco
Hey remember when these two coaches almost got in a fight over a handshake? What a couple of go-hards. The only time it's acceptable to almost get in a fight is if your honor has been besmirched or you're at a pro wrestling event. So who will prevail in the rematch between Jaw Sweatshirt and Turbo Redface? Cooler heads. See what I did there? Don't worry, you'll catch it on your second or third reading.
49ers 20-16
Monday Night
Denver @ Atlanta
Matt Ryan went off last week in a blowout win over Kansas City. Is this a signal that Matt Ryan has finally become an elite quarterback? Talk to me when you win a playoff game Matty Ice. Seriously, if you win a playoff game will you call me? That would be pretty exciting, and only the second time I've ever talked to someone after a playoff W (Steve Weatherford texted me a few times last January). As for Peyton Manning, he's back baby! And so is his back. It appears that Peyton is the same ol' gunslinger we remembered, and the good news for him is that guns are legal inside the Georgia Dome. The bad news for Manning and the Broncos is that I'm picking against them, and I went 10-6 last week, so they might as well just take a knee whenever they get the ball.
Falcons 30-24
Sunday Morning
Arizona @ New England
The Cardinals, what a bunch of assholes. I hate these jerks. Hopefully they lose. And what better team to make them lose than the Patriots. New England makes so many teams lose that they should change their name from the Patriots to the Lossmakers. Hmm, no, that would not be a good name.
Patriots 30-13
Kansas City @ Buffalo
Both of these teams laid an egg last week. Those eggs were then taken inside and used to make a terrible omelet, one that didn't even flip well; pretty pathetic. This week they'll each try to end up on the right side of the skillet. The Chiefs struggled mightily in pass defense against the Falcons, but that probably won't be an issue considering they're facing Ryan Fitzpatrick this week.
Chiefs 24-23
Cleveland @ Cincinnati
Sadly it appears that the Battle for Ohio may be relegated to the ol' Corner Screen at the Shack come Sunday. Brandon Weeden's four interception performance in Week 1 against the Eagles makes me think that maybe he should have waited until his 30s to turn pro. Unfortunately there's no going back now, so here we are, on a runaway freight train heading for a match-up between two red-headed QBs. Did I ever think we'd see this day? Yes, but I assumed it would be hundreds of years down the road when the human gene pool becomes so mixed that red is the only remaining hair color. Why would that be the case, you might ask? ..... I'll go with Cincinnati.
Bengals 23-16
Minnesota @ Indianapolis
Last week the Vikings became the first team in the history of the NFL to make a field goal in overtime and still have to play defense afterward. I'm embarrassed to admit that I didn't realize or just didn't remember that the OT rule change had expanded to the regular season. And if I was confused I can't even imagine how perplexed Donovan McNabb was. He was especially miffed because he showed up to the MetroDome earlier in the day expecting to play only to be informed by the security guard that he was no longer a member of the Vikings. As for people actually playing in this game, it would appear that Adrian Peterson is fairly healthy after his 2 TD performance against the Jags, while Andrew Luck seemed steady, yet over-matched, in a loss to the Bears. I'm going to guess that Luck gets his first win in his home debut. And by home I mean Indianapolis, this game is not literally being played at Andrew Luck's house; that would be stupid.
Colts 23-20
New Orleans @ Carolina
It became glaringly clear last week that with no extra incentive the Saints just aren't motivated. Can you imagine how lame it would be to sack a guy for free when you used to get 10 Gs for it? It's just not fun. As for the Panthers, Cam Newton struggled in Tampa, but as we all know, Newton's Law says, "If at first you don't succeed, hang in there baby," and then there's a picture of a cat hanging from something. So if we follow that edict it would stand to reason that Cam will bounce back this week, but will he bounce back far enough? Or perhaps he'll bounce so far back that he ends up falling on his face. Tough to say ... but I have to say, that's my job. (ok, here ya go)
Saints 33-28
Houston @ Jacksonville
Great football minds across the nation were mystified last week when Blaine Gabbert managed to put together a competent game as an NFL quarterback. Many who watched the game theorized that they were actually watching their nephew play Madden on the 'Easy' setting. Those who heard the game on radio naturally assumed that it was Blaine Gabbert's birthday and they were actually listening to one of those fantasy tapes that people used to get as presents. But nay, twas actually a true contest of footballian proportions. Of course, Gabbert and the Jags lost and now they're matched up with what may be one of the best teams in the AFC. Jacksonville might give Houston a run in this one, but even some little jerk playing Madden wouldn't be able to get them the win here.
Texans 34-24
Oakland @ Miami
Do I have to? I would gladly pick against both of these teams this week, unfortunately they're playing each other, so here we are. Darren McFadden caught 13 passes last week, which would be great for a wide receiver, but for a running back it comes across as slightly troubling. If Carson Palmer manages to pass the ball further than 10 yards down field (to his own team) I think the Raiders will have a good chance. Oh, and Tannehll sucks.
Raiders 17-13
Tampa Bay @ New York Giants
The Giants' opening week loss would seem troubling if they hadn't lost their first game last season and then proceeded to win only two more games than they lost throughout the entirety of the regular season. In other words, the only time anybody should be worried about the Giants' chance of winning the Super Bowl is when they're mathematically eliminated from the playoffs. That being said they're probably screwed.
Buccaneers 22-20
Baltimore @ Philadelphia
Did anybody make a Michael Vick/Dog Pound joke last week when the Eagles visited Cleveland? If so I didn't hear about it. What a collectively missed opportunity by our nation as a whole. Of course, there's also the possibility that we've finally moved on. Either way it's a let down. Speaking of let downs, Michael Vick threw four interceptions last Sunday in a near loss to the Browns. It makes sense though, Vick's poor play was obviously a direct result of him being frightened by the Dog Pound! Now that that's out of the way we can take an in depth look at this week's game. I like Baltimore.
Ravens 26-17
Sunday Afternoon
Washington @ St. Louis
If you'll remember, in last week's post (and I recommend going over each one a few times to fully grasp them) I said I was close to picking the Rams in an upset. As it turns out, the Rams were close to picking themselves in an upset as well, but then the 4th quarter came and they got frightened because they had a lead and they weren't quite sure what to do. Meanwhile RG3 burst onto the scene in a Week 1 dismantling of the Saints. I can't wait to see what he's got planned for this Sunday. If I've learned anything from Hollywood it's that sequels are always bigger and better (I'd cite examples, but there's just too many).
Redskins 24-21
Dallas @ Seattle
In a confusing turn of events the Seahawks decided to continue sandbagging the rest of the league by losing in Week 1. That's cool, I guess, I mean I look like an asshole now, but I assume that there's a "bigger picture" mindset going on here, so one loss is no big deal. Now the Cowboys come to town for the first time since Romo - football + Babineaux = 21-20. Will Romo be traumatized by these events and immediately start convulsing and drooling like he ordered the fish for dinner the second he sets foot inside the CLink? Yes, absolutely. I don't see any scenario in which that wouldn't happen.
Seahawks 24-19
New York Jets @ Pittsburgh
I have to say, the Jets surprised me with their offensive explosion last week against the Bills. The most surprising, and disturbing, aspect of which was that Tim Tebow was not involved whatsoever. Why even sign Tebow if you're not going to use him? What a tease, just like Tebow himself. For women I mean ... Ohhhh shit. Hey, let's talk football! The Steelers were nice enough to lose to Peyton Manning in his return to the NFL but now it's time to get down to biz (or business as they say in Pittsburgh). This week I think the Jets come back to earth (pun very intended AGAIN).
Steelers 28-16
Tennessee @ San Diego
Last year Chargers kicker Nate Kaeding blew out his knee on the season's opening kickoff. This year in Week 1 he came back and nailed five field goals and shoved it right down all of our throats. Take that America! You won't have Nate Kaeding to push around anymore. Though, if you see Nate Kaeding in public odds are you could probably push him around if you wanted to, he's a very tiny man, wee even. This week San Diego has a chance to make a statement by beating Tennessee. I'm not sure exactly what that statement would be, but it would probably be something to the effect of, "Hooray, we're 2-0!"
Chargers 24-17
Sunday Night
Detroit @ San Francisco
Hey remember when these two coaches almost got in a fight over a handshake? What a couple of go-hards. The only time it's acceptable to almost get in a fight is if your honor has been besmirched or you're at a pro wrestling event. So who will prevail in the rematch between Jaw Sweatshirt and Turbo Redface? Cooler heads. See what I did there? Don't worry, you'll catch it on your second or third reading.
49ers 20-16
Monday Night
Denver @ Atlanta
Matt Ryan went off last week in a blowout win over Kansas City. Is this a signal that Matt Ryan has finally become an elite quarterback? Talk to me when you win a playoff game Matty Ice. Seriously, if you win a playoff game will you call me? That would be pretty exciting, and only the second time I've ever talked to someone after a playoff W (Steve Weatherford texted me a few times last January). As for Peyton Manning, he's back baby! And so is his back. It appears that Peyton is the same ol' gunslinger we remembered, and the good news for him is that guns are legal inside the Georgia Dome. The bad news for Manning and the Broncos is that I'm picking against them, and I went 10-6 last week, so they might as well just take a knee whenever they get the ball.
Falcons 30-24
9.12.2012
NFL Picks Week 2 - Thursday
Chicago @ Green Bay
It was an unusual Week 1 for both of these teams. The Packers hadn't lost an opener since 2006, before last week's home letdown against the 49ers. The Bears, on the other hand, hadn't had an opening week win since 2011! That's almost a full year without a Week 1 win! Now that they have the monkey off their back perhaps it's time for them to regain control of the NFC North. But you know what they say, "If perhaps and buts were candy and nuts it would make for an awful candy bar." I have a hard time believing that Aaron Rodgers and his crew will open the season with back to back home losses, so I'll go with Green Bay. And you know what that means everybody, say it with me, it's a ... Pack-Pick! Um, you guys didn't say it. Next time I try to create a catchphrase I'd appreciate your support.
Packers 30-27
It was an unusual Week 1 for both of these teams. The Packers hadn't lost an opener since 2006, before last week's home letdown against the 49ers. The Bears, on the other hand, hadn't had an opening week win since 2011! That's almost a full year without a Week 1 win! Now that they have the monkey off their back perhaps it's time for them to regain control of the NFC North. But you know what they say, "If perhaps and buts were candy and nuts it would make for an awful candy bar." I have a hard time believing that Aaron Rodgers and his crew will open the season with back to back home losses, so I'll go with Green Bay. And you know what that means everybody, say it with me, it's a ... Pack-Pick! Um, you guys didn't say it. Next time I try to create a catchphrase I'd appreciate your support.
Packers 30-27
9.06.2012
NFL Picks - Week 1
Sunday Morning
Indianapolis @ Chicago
First start of your career? Good luck Andrew! Well, there it is, the best joke I'll make all season. Just remember when you look back at my body of work over the next 5 months, you were warned. Word out of Chicago is that Jay Cutler has been smiling a lot more leading up to Week 1. That either means that he's lightened up a bit, or he's gone completely the other direction and he's now that scary, crazy type of angry. Either way I think it will make him a more productive quarterback.
Bears 24-13
Philadelphia @ Cleveland
Well it's that time of year again where the nation gathers round the hearth to listen to the ol' transistor and wait to hear news of Michael Vick's injury. Some of my fondest memories involve my family recounting all of their favorite Michael Vick injury stories. I think he'll last past Week 1, but after that, all bets are off, and that's a good thing since Nick Foles has a crippling gambling addiction, and the Eagles will need him focused once that Vick injury does occur.
Eagles 23-9
New England @ Tennessee
Jake Locker has officially been handed the reins to the Titans offense. Upon hearing that news he threw his hat high into the air. In fact, he threw it so high that it was impossible to catch on the way back down. But hey, Locker don't know no other way. Meanwhile the Patriots appear to be a football team capable of winning football games, and that's a good attribute to have in this league.
Patriots 27-23
Atlanta @ Kansas City
An intriguing match-up here. Of course, we've been without football for months so every single match-up could be considered intriguing. I shit my pants at a mascot/pee-wee halftime game last week, that's how pumped I am. Hey guys, remember that last sentence when I mentioned my pants-shitting? You're not gonna tell anybody about that are you? Please? Anyway, I think both of these teams will end up being competitive, which means this game will be competitively intriguing.
Falcons 23-20
Jacksonville @ Minnesota
Oh boy, this is not intriguing. Jacksonville seems bound for Awfulville (fun trivia fact: Awfulville is the hometown of 6 Cardinals quarterbacks past and present). Meanwhile, the only reason to watch Minnesota other than a possible awesome roof-caving, Adrian Peterson, may be sitting on the bench for this contest. I know one thing for sure, this game's getting the corner TV at The Shack (which I just decided will be a running gimmick each week this season).
Minnesota 16-14
Washington @ New Orleans
It's the premiere of RG3! Fair warning, if you haven't seen RG1 or RG2 you should probably go back and watch them, otherwise you'll be lost. Speaking of lost, the Saints have no coach and no interim coach, not to mention no incentive to sack the quarterback. I mean, why bother, right? While I don't expect a lot from New Orleans this season I just don't see a rookie quarterback getting a road win in his first game ..... well, not this one anyway.
Saints 31-20
Buffalo @ New York Jets
The Bills opened 2011 with a surprising 41-7 drubbing of the Chiefs in Kansas City. I foresee history repeating itself when Buffalo travels to New York (the city, not the state; if it were just the state the Bills would not have to travel at all to get to New York; check it out, it's a fact). As stated in my critically acclaimed season preview I think the Jets will crash and burn this season (pun absolutely intended). The long, painful trek to sub-mediocrity starts here for Rex and co..
Bills 28-10
St. Louis @ Detroit
I'm tempted to pick the Rams in a shocking upset here. But the temptation comes from that same twisted part of my brain that causes me to play chicken in my car on the third Friday of every month down at the Point. It's like, sure I win every time, but I always wake up the next morning feeling terrible about my opponent who swerved at the last second and inevitably veered off the cliff. So, it's with a clean conscience that I predict that Detroit will win this game.
Lions 31-13
Miami @ Houston
Plenty of interesting anecdotes came out of the Dolphins' appearance on Hard Knocks this Summer. While Ryan Tannehill thinking that the Kansas City Chiefs are in the NFC East is fairly hilarious, I think the more outrageous quote was Reggie Bush saying that one of his goals for this season is to get at least 4 yards every time he touched the ball. It's possible that he meant that he wanted to average that per carry, but it's much better for the purposes of this blog to assume that he meant he literally wants to get at least 4 yards on every single touch. My bet? That goal will go unfulfilled starting with his first touch. Prove me wrong Reginald, but be warned, 95% of what I predict comes true.
Texans 26-14
Sunday Afternoon
San Francisco @ Green Bay
There are a lot of folks out there who see this match-up as a possible NFC Championship preview. However, most of those aforementioned folks look like this:
So take that for what it's worth. Of course, the 49ers made huge strides last season under first year coach Jaw Sweatshirt, but it's most likely time for them to fall back to earth. And who lives on earth? Aaron Rodgers.
Packers 24-14
Seattle @ Arizona
Welcome everyone to RussellMania! As if we all weren't excited enough for this Hawks season Pete Carroll has decided to start the most dynamic quarterback that has ever played football at NC State and Wisconsin (a claim that I will take to the grave with me!). How could anyone not be excited? For both of these teams the 2012 season begins in the same place that the 2011 season ended. In that contest the Cards won in OT in what can only be explained as a long con by the Hawks. That clever rope-a-dope has undoubtedly lured Arizona into a false sense of security that will be torn asunder within minutes of the opening kick-off. In the words of PC, I'm so friggin jacked up right now!
Seahawks 27-10
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
The big question on every Panthers fan's mind is can Cam Newton recreate his 2011 performance in his 2nd year as a pro. I tend to think not. Fact: no player in the history of the NFL has had those exact stats in any season before, so why should we expect Newton to duplicate them? He should still be an exciting player though. The Bucs are currently on a 10 game losing streak, and what better time to break it than in front of a sold o ...What's that? The Tampa fans didn't sell this game out? Ya know what, maybe this is a sign to the Tampa players that they need to start performing better; it could also be a sign that the Tampa fans suck. Either way I think the Bucs step up and get the win in their opener.
Buccaneers 20-17
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Denver
It's a playoff rematch, this time without Tebow. This is just like Teen Wolf Too. I mean sure Jason Bateman (Manning) is a good guy, but he doesn't have the charm and the magic of Michael J. Fox (Tebow). Be that as it may, Bateman did have better form in his athletic scenes so I can see why the move was made. The loss of Hines Ward will really be a hindrance for the Steelers who will be sorely lacking in the cheap plays and holding departments without him, which could ultimately cost them this game.
Broncos 21-16
Monday Night
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Is the Ravens defense finally too old to compete? I have an inside source with knowledge of the situation who says no. Apparently the music has been turned way up in the Baltimore locker room this preseason, and as we all know if it's too loud, you're too old. Clearly it's not loud enough for these Ravens, which means they still have some years left.
Ravens 20-10
San Diego @ Oakland
It's the perfect storm. ESPN's annual scheduling of a lackluster AFC West match-up to fulfill their opening week Monday night closer has combined with a shortage of football play-by-play announcers to result in Chris Berman spending three and half hours doing this. May God have mercy on our souls.
Raiders 17-14
Indianapolis @ Chicago
First start of your career? Good luck Andrew! Well, there it is, the best joke I'll make all season. Just remember when you look back at my body of work over the next 5 months, you were warned. Word out of Chicago is that Jay Cutler has been smiling a lot more leading up to Week 1. That either means that he's lightened up a bit, or he's gone completely the other direction and he's now that scary, crazy type of angry. Either way I think it will make him a more productive quarterback.
Bears 24-13
Philadelphia @ Cleveland
Well it's that time of year again where the nation gathers round the hearth to listen to the ol' transistor and wait to hear news of Michael Vick's injury. Some of my fondest memories involve my family recounting all of their favorite Michael Vick injury stories. I think he'll last past Week 1, but after that, all bets are off, and that's a good thing since Nick Foles has a crippling gambling addiction, and the Eagles will need him focused once that Vick injury does occur.
Eagles 23-9
New England @ Tennessee
Jake Locker has officially been handed the reins to the Titans offense. Upon hearing that news he threw his hat high into the air. In fact, he threw it so high that it was impossible to catch on the way back down. But hey, Locker don't know no other way. Meanwhile the Patriots appear to be a football team capable of winning football games, and that's a good attribute to have in this league.
Patriots 27-23
Atlanta @ Kansas City
An intriguing match-up here. Of course, we've been without football for months so every single match-up could be considered intriguing. I shit my pants at a mascot/pee-wee halftime game last week, that's how pumped I am. Hey guys, remember that last sentence when I mentioned my pants-shitting? You're not gonna tell anybody about that are you? Please? Anyway, I think both of these teams will end up being competitive, which means this game will be competitively intriguing.
Falcons 23-20
Jacksonville @ Minnesota
Oh boy, this is not intriguing. Jacksonville seems bound for Awfulville (fun trivia fact: Awfulville is the hometown of 6 Cardinals quarterbacks past and present). Meanwhile, the only reason to watch Minnesota other than a possible awesome roof-caving, Adrian Peterson, may be sitting on the bench for this contest. I know one thing for sure, this game's getting the corner TV at The Shack (which I just decided will be a running gimmick each week this season).
Minnesota 16-14
Washington @ New Orleans
It's the premiere of RG3! Fair warning, if you haven't seen RG1 or RG2 you should probably go back and watch them, otherwise you'll be lost. Speaking of lost, the Saints have no coach and no interim coach, not to mention no incentive to sack the quarterback. I mean, why bother, right? While I don't expect a lot from New Orleans this season I just don't see a rookie quarterback getting a road win in his first game ..... well, not this one anyway.
Saints 31-20
Buffalo @ New York Jets
The Bills opened 2011 with a surprising 41-7 drubbing of the Chiefs in Kansas City. I foresee history repeating itself when Buffalo travels to New York (the city, not the state; if it were just the state the Bills would not have to travel at all to get to New York; check it out, it's a fact). As stated in my critically acclaimed season preview I think the Jets will crash and burn this season (pun absolutely intended). The long, painful trek to sub-mediocrity starts here for Rex and co..
Bills 28-10
St. Louis @ Detroit
I'm tempted to pick the Rams in a shocking upset here. But the temptation comes from that same twisted part of my brain that causes me to play chicken in my car on the third Friday of every month down at the Point. It's like, sure I win every time, but I always wake up the next morning feeling terrible about my opponent who swerved at the last second and inevitably veered off the cliff. So, it's with a clean conscience that I predict that Detroit will win this game.
Lions 31-13
Miami @ Houston
Plenty of interesting anecdotes came out of the Dolphins' appearance on Hard Knocks this Summer. While Ryan Tannehill thinking that the Kansas City Chiefs are in the NFC East is fairly hilarious, I think the more outrageous quote was Reggie Bush saying that one of his goals for this season is to get at least 4 yards every time he touched the ball. It's possible that he meant that he wanted to average that per carry, but it's much better for the purposes of this blog to assume that he meant he literally wants to get at least 4 yards on every single touch. My bet? That goal will go unfulfilled starting with his first touch. Prove me wrong Reginald, but be warned, 95% of what I predict comes true.
Texans 26-14
Sunday Afternoon
San Francisco @ Green Bay
There are a lot of folks out there who see this match-up as a possible NFC Championship preview. However, most of those aforementioned folks look like this:
So take that for what it's worth. Of course, the 49ers made huge strides last season under first year coach Jaw Sweatshirt, but it's most likely time for them to fall back to earth. And who lives on earth? Aaron Rodgers.
Packers 24-14
Seattle @ Arizona
Welcome everyone to RussellMania! As if we all weren't excited enough for this Hawks season Pete Carroll has decided to start the most dynamic quarterback that has ever played football at NC State and Wisconsin (a claim that I will take to the grave with me!). How could anyone not be excited? For both of these teams the 2012 season begins in the same place that the 2011 season ended. In that contest the Cards won in OT in what can only be explained as a long con by the Hawks. That clever rope-a-dope has undoubtedly lured Arizona into a false sense of security that will be torn asunder within minutes of the opening kick-off. In the words of PC, I'm so friggin jacked up right now!
Seahawks 27-10
Carolina @ Tampa Bay
The big question on every Panthers fan's mind is can Cam Newton recreate his 2011 performance in his 2nd year as a pro. I tend to think not. Fact: no player in the history of the NFL has had those exact stats in any season before, so why should we expect Newton to duplicate them? He should still be an exciting player though. The Bucs are currently on a 10 game losing streak, and what better time to break it than in front of a sold o ...What's that? The Tampa fans didn't sell this game out? Ya know what, maybe this is a sign to the Tampa players that they need to start performing better; it could also be a sign that the Tampa fans suck. Either way I think the Bucs step up and get the win in their opener.
Buccaneers 20-17
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Denver
It's a playoff rematch, this time without Tebow. This is just like Teen Wolf Too. I mean sure Jason Bateman (Manning) is a good guy, but he doesn't have the charm and the magic of Michael J. Fox (Tebow). Be that as it may, Bateman did have better form in his athletic scenes so I can see why the move was made. The loss of Hines Ward will really be a hindrance for the Steelers who will be sorely lacking in the cheap plays and holding departments without him, which could ultimately cost them this game.
Broncos 21-16
Monday Night
Cincinnati @ Baltimore
Is the Ravens defense finally too old to compete? I have an inside source with knowledge of the situation who says no. Apparently the music has been turned way up in the Baltimore locker room this preseason, and as we all know if it's too loud, you're too old. Clearly it's not loud enough for these Ravens, which means they still have some years left.
Ravens 20-10
San Diego @ Oakland
It's the perfect storm. ESPN's annual scheduling of a lackluster AFC West match-up to fulfill their opening week Monday night closer has combined with a shortage of football play-by-play announcers to result in Chris Berman spending three and half hours doing this. May God have mercy on our souls.
Raiders 17-14
9.04.2012
NFL Picks Week 1 - Wednesday
Wednesday? Eff yeah Wednesday. For the first time in the history of the NFL a game is being played on a Wednesday. If that seems hard to believe, that's because it might not be true, I did not do the necessary research. And on that note we're off and running with the 2012 season! It's been 213 days since Eli Manning hoisted the Lombardi trophy ... actually, that's not true, he hoisted it 146 days ago at a promotional photoshoot, then 87 days ago at a Giants team function, and finally just last week at the 44th Annual Worldwide Trophy-Hoisting Contest where he placed 4th. But back to my original point, quite some time has passed since the last pro football game that mattered (aside from every moment Russell Wilson has been on the field this preseason).
A defending Super Bowl champion hasn't lost an opening game since 1999. Will this be the year that that streak is broken? Absolutely not! Ok, maybe that was a little forceful, in retrospect I probably wouldn't have used the exclamation point, but there's no going back now! The Giants should take care of business, but I've learned that when it comes to the NFL don't expect what you thought you once would have expected.
Giants 27-20
A defending Super Bowl champion hasn't lost an opening game since 1999. Will this be the year that that streak is broken? Absolutely not! Ok, maybe that was a little forceful, in retrospect I probably wouldn't have used the exclamation point, but there's no going back now! The Giants should take care of business, but I've learned that when it comes to the NFL don't expect what you thought you once would have expected.
Giants 27-20
9.03.2012
And we'll see ya later Logman!!!!
Down goes Delgo!!! Down goes Delgo!!!
http://insidemovies.ew.com/2012/09/02/oogieloves-big-balloon-adventure-worst-box-office-debut-flop/
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
http://insidemovies.ew.com/2012/09/02/oogieloves-big-balloon-adventure-worst-box-office-debut-flop/
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
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