If That Baseball Team Were a Wrestler ....

Have you ever wondered, "If that baseball team were a wrestler who would they be?" Well, I did. In fact, my curiosity went so far that it manifested itself as this post. Below is every team in the majors along with the wrestler that they would be. Are they all good comparisons? No. Are most them good? Questionable. Did I think of 5 good ones and then stretch it to encompass the whole league? Yes. But, it should be enjoyable nonetheless. So, without further ado, here's the answer or answers to the age old question.


NL East



Mets – Macho Man
-Won their first title in a miraculous effort, ’69 Mets, Wrestlemania IV Macho. Later won another title and are a somewhat marquee name in the sport. However, they have been marred by drug use and ridiculous debacles, for the Mets it’s been their last two Septembers and for Macho a rap album.



Phillies – Chris Benoit
-Took them a long time to get over the hump and had a reputation for not being able to win the title. But finally they broke through, and everyone lived happily ever after. That’s it, that’s how it ended.




Marlins – “Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase
-Only care about the bottom line, and they’re not above buying a championship. They’re also not afraid to sell everything it took to win that title as long as it’ll turn a profit. Both have man-servants named Virgil.



Braves – Mr. Perfect
-Always technically sound and executed very well. Despite being good enough to win a title for a long period of time, they never did get there. Oh, the Braves won a World Series in ’95? I thought they called the season after Edgar’s double … no?



Nationals – The Repo Man
-His angle was that he literally was a repo man, someone who would come and take your stuff when you couldn't pay for it any longer, which is more or less what Washington D.C. did to Montreal. Also, both were better known under different names. And they both suck … hard.


NL Central



Cubs – Mick Foley
-Lovable losers. Fan favorites that always seemed to come out on the losing end in the biggest situations. And for some reason it seems like they enjoy putting people over.


Cardinals – Bret Hart
-Consistently run organization that you just have to respect. They’ve won many titles in the past. Never the flashiest, but they always get the job done.




Reds – Kane
-The Reds dynasty of the 70s was called … the Big Red Machine. That’s good enough for me! Oh wait a minute, I forgot about the Nasty Boyz! I wanna go back1 I have to go back!




Pirates – Jake “The Snake” Roberts
-Had some good times in the late 80s/early 90s but now they’ve devolved into a shell of their former selves. Everybody agrees at this point that they’re pretty much bat-shit crazy. Not to mention the way they always push away the ones they love.



Brewers – “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan
-Longtime mediocre team deserves a longtime mediocre wrestler. Also, I feel like Hacksaw could fit in pretty well while tailgating outside a Brewers game.




Astros – Rowdy Roddy Piper
-Just when you think you’ve got all the answers, the Houston Astros change the question. I mean, c’mon, they introduced the concept of playing on carpet and they put a hill in centerfield. Neither one has won a title, and I’m not sure either ever deserved to. Yep, I said it.


NL West


Diamondbacks – Brock Lesnar
-Won the title immediately after entering the league. Then grew tired of the sport and left for other things …what’s that? The Diamondbacks still play baseball?




Dodgers – Shawn Michaels
-Perennial contenders with a flare for the dramatic. For the Dodgers it was Jackie stealing home or Gibson’s one-legged homer, for Michaels it’s been countless Wrestlemania moments.




Rockies – Triple H
-Much in the same way that the thin air of Colorado inflated many of the Rockies’ statistics, the WWF’s ridiculous amount of title-swapping in recent years has lead to Triple H having a stupid amount of titles.




Padres – Yokozuna
-The Padres have made it to the World Series twice, losing in 5 games in ’84 and getting swept in ’98. Yokozuna had similarly poor performances in the two Wrestlemanias he main-evented (IX & X). On the other hand you really can't blame either of them for it; the Padres came up against two great teams, and Yokozuna was 600 lbs. Also, for a long time the Padres had the saves leader in Trevor Hoffman, while Yokozuna had Mr. Fuji who saved many a match for him with a handful of salt to the opponent’s eyes.




Giants – Hulk Hogan
Maybe a little too good for the Giants, but let’s look at the facts. Both had a lot of titles early in their career. Both made a stunning heel turn: Hogan to the nWo, the Giants leaving New York. Both came agonizingly close to greatness in 2002: Hogan nearly beating The Rock at Wrestlemania X-8, the Giants blowing a 5-0 lead in game 6 of the World Series. Throw in the Barry Bonds corollaries: steroid use and a lame reality show, and there’s really no getting around it.


AL East



Yankees – Ric Flair
-The dirtiest players in the game, willing to do whatever it takes to win. They’re all about the luxurious lifestyle. You hate them, but you have to respect them. They have more titles than anybody else.




Blue Jays – Ultimate Warrior
-Both are from parts unknown. Won the title then disappeared for the most part.




Red Sox – The Rock
-Rode a wave of popularity to their title win, then immediately turned heel. From there on out they received extremely polarized reactions, either you love them or you hate them. (Applies more to the Red Sox current situation than their whole history)




Rays – Barry Horowitz
-Pathetic losers who actually get a push for once in their existence, then everybody laughs about it afterwards.




Orioles – Sid Justice
-Both are better suited to play softball.


AL Central



White Sox – Ravishing Rick Rude
-Much in the same way that 8 White Sox were banned from baseball in 1919, Rick Rude was banned from the WWF in 1991 for making insensitive comments about Big Bossman’s mother. Both are also known for their creative, borderline ridiculous outfits.




Royals – Dusty Rhodes
-I always hear they were really good back in the 70s. Could’ve fooled me, every time I watch them they’re boring as hell.




Tigers – Goldberg
-Rode a record-setting hot start (’84 Tigers: 20-4, Goldberg 200-0, or whatever it was) to a title. After that they were never as good and they both carelessly ended legends’ careers Goldberg by kicking Bret Hart in the head and the Tigers by forcing Billy Chapel into retirement. And look, they're making the same face.




Twins – “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka
-The Twins have a unique home-field advantage, and thus they play a different brand of baseball. Of course, Superfly had a different brand of wrestling that he utilized to his advantage. Both have an iconic leaping moment – Snuka’s big splash from the top of the cage, and Kirby’s catch against the glass in the ’91 World Series.




Indians – Randy “The Ram” Robinson
-Since the best thing about the Indians is the movie that was based on them, I chose a movie wrestler to represent them. Much like the Ram, the Indians’ best days are long behind them.



AL West



A's – Superstar Billy Graham
-Known for being very flashy (70s A’s) and taking lots of steroids (late 80s A’s)




Angels – Goldust
-These guys are all fags. And every time they win it feels like I get kicked in the balls.




Rangers – Eddy Guerrero
-Eddy was all about cheating to win, well, no organization has had as many prominent cheaters as Texas over the past two decades. Sosa, Raffy Palmeiro, Ivan Rodriguez, Canseco, Juan Gonzalez, they were all Rangers. Unfortunately, the whole winning part hasn’t worked out as well for Texas.




Mariners – Ricky Steamboat
-First, there’s the Asian connection. The M's have an Asian owner, their "best" player is Asian, and they have a strong Asian fanbase; Steamboat is Asian. Neither has won the world title, but at one point they were considered the most talented in the sport. For Steamboat it was the mid to late 80s, and for the M’s it was the mid to late 90s. Steamboat’s Wrestlemania III performance can compare to the '95 team, which means his lame return in the early 90s was the last couple seasons for the Mariners.



So there you have it. The definitive list. Actually, I'm willing to bet it's the only list.

Two Sweet Dudes

Two sweet dudes enjoying a refreshing Sam Adam Light. Pretty tasty

Oh Fahhhuddgge. (Except I didn't say fudge!)

Gammons is reporting that the Angels are getting Halladay.

Adios Washburn!

Look out Detroit ladies!!!!

.(


Well, I think we should all tip our caps to one of the earlier HCM post subjects. OOOOOH SECRETS OUT!!!

Looks like we fleeced the Tigers.

#34

First off, if you missed the previous two posts, please go read them. Especially Sean's. Some of his finest work to date.

Now then... #34... suuuuuure.... it's not as good as the TV show.... and yeah... there's no Riggins, or Saracen.... or LYLA FRACKIN' GARRITY....




But #34, Friday Night Lights, is still a great movie.























And I challenge anyone to watch the Boobie Miles break down scene in his car and not be affected. SO THERE!!!

TRADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By now, I'm sure we've all heard about this monumental M's trade. Does this make much sense? It seems like we traded a bunch of mediocre prospects for a couple mediocre big-leaguers. At one point we were in limbo between buyers and seller, this kind of seems like shopping at Ross. I was actually a little excited to hear about Snell because for some reason I thought he was good .... well he's not. This year he's 2-8 w/ a 5.36 ERA. For his career he's 33-46 w/ a 4.75 ERA.

So I suppose the main player in this trade is "Indian" Jack Wilson, who can't be considered much more than a defensive guy, which falls right in line with Jacky Z's M.O..

That's it. I figured an un-interesting trade deserved an un-interesting post. I don't know much about the prospects besides Clement, so if you guys do, please add your thoughts.

I wish I knew how to quit you Jared

Editors Note: This post started before the Comcast guy spent 4 hours at my house trying to hook up a telephone.

With Jeff Clement getting taken out of his game last night rumors are flying. I have come to the decision that the Mariners have decided to go for it this season. I'm not the best at math but I think I have it all figured out...

So the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim have caught fire and seem to be unbeatable. We all know they can't sustain that, it's impossible. Well I suppose it's possible, but if they win every game from here till the end of the season then my hypothesis is shot. They have been winning games post all-star break at about an 80% clip. Before the break they we at about 60% so lets just say, for the sake of argument, they win 70% of their remaining games. That puts them at 103 wins. We all know this is a stretch but please bear with me.

That means sitting at 52 and 48, all it would take for our beloved Mariners to win the west is going 52-10 the rest of the way. I imagine Jackie Z walking into the clubhouse after the game last night, as the Clement rumors ran rampant, letting all the guys know that he isnt going to be included in a deal with Washburn. He screams, "Weez buying boys, lets win this motherfuckin' thing!!"

He has something covered by a big black sheet. He removes the sheet and it's a life size cut-out of the ultimate clubhouse guy Mike Sweeney. He is wearing a red dress that can be pulled off, piece by piece, 54 times. He says, "This is all it's gonna take." He removes a little piece covering the left shoulder and Sweeney giggles. He hands it to ichiro and says, "It only took you 1950 hits to have a walk-off".

Ichiro thanks him and bows.

**This story has been modified from its original version, it has been reformatted due to recent developments


In walks Ken Griffey Junior with a wheelbarrow full of Junior 600, Chateau Ste Michelle's 600 of a kind Ethos 2005 Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon.

"Jack called me last night and told me about his plan and since nobody wants to pay $350 for a bottle of this shit, I figured I would share them with all ya'll. We're going the Series!!!!!!!"

Our 27 guys plus management spent the entire night drinking wine and celebrating the impending arrival of Scott Kazmir and Reid Brignac. At about 3:30 in the morning Jackie Z picked up his phone and told Andrew Friedman, Tampa's GM, Done Deal. Except it was that bastard Neal Huntington from the Pirates. Jack didn't even realize his terrible mistake until waking up by a text from Ian Snell asking if he should report to Tacoma or Seattle.

"Who the Fuck is Ian Snell," he said to himself.

Disaster

What do you do when disaster strikes? Like say... your sunroof explodes over your head while you're driving down I-5?

.(

A) Stay calm

2) Quickly exit the freeway

4) Don't post any movies today cuz you're fucking pissed about having to drop 500 bucks on a new gods damned sunroof.

The whole world is out to get me dude I swear to god.

#35

I'll let the OTHER Andersen brothers do this one...(

#35: Rookie of The Year

Erik:
Great Performance by Busey as "The Rocket" Chet Stedman. I'm not sure I thought about this when it came out, but he totally ripped off Roger Clemens' nickname, I mean that's just blatant. Another interesting note about Stedman, apparently he isn't a connoisseur of meats because "one of the best Salisbury steaks he's ever had" is on a plane, which seems odd. When 40 Year Old Virgin came out I was pretty sure that Seth Rogen was Henry's chubby friend from this movie. Turned out it wasn't.

Peter: This movie has some great mistakes. In one scene, Rosengardner sets up this scenario for himself in the laundry room where he talks about having a full count on a guy. He fires a bar of soap into the washing machine and gleefully squeals "Striiike One!"

Also, in one scene, I'm pretty sure you can see a hand throwing the ball into the shot for a pop up (or something like that).

The big badass on the Mets (Hedo, I believe) is a real life version of the monsterous players on Ken Griffey Baseball.

FUNKY BUTTLOVIN

Finn: You'd think funky buttlovin would have earned this one a higher rating...

#'s 40 - 36

I think I've grossly over estimated everyone's interest in this list...




so here's 5 more, without pics. Cuz frankly... why bother if no one;s reading.

40. The Cutting Edge

Not sure how this made it this far. Pretty lame chick flick.

39. Bend It Like Beckham

Seriously? Well, I guess I'm starting to see why no one's commenting. Do we REALLY need to cater to the 6 girls who "follow" this blog?

38. Ali

Now THAT'S more like it. Underrated flick if you ask me. I think I'm the only one who voted for it. Most of these nancy-boys were to busy watching Phantom of the Opera. It's a victim of placement on this list. I wanted to make a point. And Ali is the sacrifice. SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!!!!

37. The Best of Times

Never seen it. Next.

36. The Might Ducks... Ok THIS gets a picture!!!!




In between Young Guns films and banging the shit of Paula Abdul, Emilio found time to teach a bunch of losers to play hockey. This FILM rules! Say something bad about Emilio Estevez to my face and I will kick your ass. Or I'll find someone who can.

Hopefully this flick signifies an upturn in quality with this here list.

See you next week.... from Thursday afternoon on... it's partyin' all weekend.

The Curse

With only about 6 weeks left until the college football season commences most fans are eagerly anticipating their team’s opening kick. It’s a special time of year for most, however, it has ceased to be such for fans of the Washington Huskies. This storied program has experienced an extremely well publicized fall from grace over the past 5 years. Many believe the scandal and tumult left in Rick Neuheisel’s wake to be the culprit for this plummet into putridity, however, I have discovered the truth. In actuality, their demise is the result of a curse. But what or who brought this curse upon UW? Whose repeated rejection was the catalyst for this cataclysmic collapse into the cavernous college football depths? The answer … it was these assholes:

That’s right, these three jerks known simply as the "The Andersen Boys" are the reason that the UW football program has become a giant punchline. Each of these bastards (not literally) were accepted to the prestigious University as a result of their academic exploits. As children of two UW alums, one would assume that one, if not all, of these bums would proudly follow their parents’ footsteps … but they didn’t … not one. No, all three of these rogues spurned their hometown school for more glamorous locales like New York, LA, and Pullman. And what did they leave in their wake? Havoc.

When the first "Andersen Boy" was born in 1980, it was obvious that the UW football program took note and began to play better in anticipation of having him and his brothers in the Husky Stadium stands cheering them on. This ascension of the program peaked in 1991 when the team went 12-0 and earned a share of the national championship. This magical season can only be explained by the fact that the Huskies were encouraged at the previous years Rose Bowl when they looked into the stands and saw the three "Andersen Boys" decked out in Purple and Gold.

Sadly, this would not become a common occurrence. By 2004, each of one of the three sons-a-bitches (also not literally) had declined enrollment at UW, and the football team felt the wrath. Just look at the numbers.

1980-'98

Overall Record: 153-37-3

Bowl Games: 15

Andersen Brother Enrollment Potential (ABEP): 3

'98-'99

Overall Record: 13-11

Bowl Games: 2

ABEP: 2

2000-'03

Overall Record: 32-17

Bowl Games: 3

ABEP: 1

'04-08

Overall Record: 12-47

Bowl Games: 0

ABEP: 0

They speak for themselves. Ever since it became clear that there was no chance that an "Andersen Boy" would attend UW, the team has had no hope. From '80-'03 they had a .692 winning pct. and an average record of 8-4. Since then, the numbers have dropped to .203 and 2-9.

So there you have it, the definitive answer for why the University of Washington football team has fallen so far in the last 5 years. Who's to blame? Neuheisel? Hedges? Willingham? .... Nah, it was the Andersen Boys.

#41

# 41. A film that doesn't get any.... love. Well, a little cuz it made the list.





I remember this movie being sort of funny... actually. And if I remember correctly, the female object of affection had a pair of rockin' cans. (It's cool, I was young when I saw it, so that comment is creepy).

But... once again.... I didn't vote for this flick. So hopefully one of the Party Hosts who did will finally step up and say something about a fracking movie they voted for.

Their lack of participation is only matched by you the readers. Maybe we should just quit. Or start throwing them at you a little quicker. I dunno.

Happy Belated Birthday HCM!!!

A few more exclamation points and people will think they are reading Coach Sark's twitter feed!

I apologize for making everyone wait for this monumental post (not of length, of achievement). Nobody out there thought we could do this. Many people out there were hoping we would fail. We know who you are too, so watch your back!

Each of your beloved party hosts recorded a message to be played just in case we were able to overcome all the odds and make it a year. Unfortunately the tapes were stolen. Fortunately I did put the written transcripts inside my parent's safe deposit box.

Mr F: "Thanks to everyone for making HenryCottosMustache.com the internet sensation that we all knew it could be. Here's to an even bigger and better 2nd year. And screw you Mark Rossolo."

Erik: "Thanks to all the readers. It's bringing joy to your smiling, drooling faces that keeps me going. And if it's quality posts you want, then in the words of the late Andy Foy 'You want it, you gaaaaaaaahhhhtttt it!'"

Wanamaker: "We've come a long way from that tiny airport and stolen internet connection."

For some reason there was nothing on the sheet from Fortune, so either I did not think we had a shot, or somebody erased it. That's the risk you take when writing in pencil. But luckily for all of you I am writing this post so I have a present. Since this is a family-friendly site I can not put up a stripper jumping out of a cake, actually I am at work and enjoy what I do, so I give to you the next best thing:




Here's to getting 40 more mustacheers this year!!

Happy Anniversary HCM!!!!

1 Full Year... and what a magical ride it's been. Supposedly a post is on it's way. I'll believe it when I see it. In the meantime...

43 AAAAANNNND 42!!!!

In honor of our special day here at HCM (maybe someone will post about it?) we've decided to give you not one... but TWO movies today.... two calssics... that I've never seen. So hopefully some of these other clowns that "work" on this blog will help us out here....




.(

#43 The Rookie













Looks inspiring. Was it?


#42. Wildcats
























Looks like a football movie. And that may or may not be Willie Mays Hays close to the bottom of the pile. If so that makes him not a one (Major League), not a two (Above the Rim) but a THREE sport star. God damnit. That's impressive.

Preview Review

Now that we are halfway through the MLB season, I thought we should take a look back at our preseason predictions to see how far off we were at the beginning of the season. Not only that, I decided to devise a scoring system to figure out which one of us is the biggest idiot. You get 1 point for every place you were wrong. In other words, if you had the Mets in first and they're actually in fourth you get 3 points. I also subtracted a point for a correct prediction. Therefore, the person with the fewest points has done the best job ... so far.

When all was said and done, the standings looked like this:

1. Wannamker - 18
2. Mr. F - 19
3. Erik - 23
4. Fortune - 29
5. Draft Guru Pete - 31

A few things jumped out at me. First of all, DG Pete was doing fairly well until the AL East rolled around and his apparent "goof pick" of the Red Sox finishing last really came back to bite him. The AL Central was the most botched division, with Cleveland accounting for the most added points of any team. There was only one correctly predicted division from top to bottom, and that was me with the AL East.

As for the MVP and Cy Young predictions, the across the board votes for Felix as Cy Young could turn out to be prophetic. Mr. F and I had Pujols as the NL MYP, and while it may be a boring pick, it certainly appears like it will be a correct one. Speaking of Mr. F, his "goof pick" of Ricky Nolasco as the NL Cy Young turned out to be just as hilarious as we all thought it was at the beginning of the year as a result of his 6-7 record and 5.76 ERA.

So, that's where things stand as of right now. Of course, we'll re-visit this at the start of October when I expect all of us to have fewer points following the M's coup of 1st place.

#44: Everybody's All American

We've entered the Dennis Quaid portion of the countdown #44 Everybody's All American.

.(

And we've also reached the portion of the countdown where I have nothing to add. At all. I'd never even heard of this movie before. Whoever voted it on here better comment. or else you're a dick.

Ice Cold.

Way to keep 'em guessing Richard Jefferson! http://buzz.yahoo.com/buzzlog/92812/?fp=1

#45: Green Street Hooligans

Well... it's late and I didn't have time to write much here... which is probably good, since I don't know a fracking thing about it. #45: Green Street Hooligans.

#46: White Men Can't Jump

White Men Can't Jump. Billy Ho and Willie Mays Hays playing street ball.

I didn't get any comments form the other Party Hosts on this one...

I liked this movie. Margues Johnson steals the show, but Woody tries his best to take it back with his amazing slam jam at the end. Super realistic! But my favorite part of this movie? Well...


.(



That would be Rosie Perez and her rocking tits.

Yuni is gone

for 2 AA pitchers from Kansas City. Why do they love our crappy players?

Top 50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time: #47

#47 The Waterboy.


This film grew on me over the years, because at first I absolutely hated it. Now I tolerate it. There were a few laughs but it needed more full frontal nudity from Kathy Bates. I'll let Erik take it from here.





Erik: I hate this movie. Ok, maybe hate is a little too strong, but I certainly can't stand it. The voice is intolerable and the ending is awful. I'm speaking, of course, of the part where Boucher is lifted on his teammates shoulders when someone sticks a microphone in his face and he shouts, "I love mama!" Then, in kind, the scoreboard flashes, "He loves his mama!" I haven't even mentioned his insufferable scream as he charges to tackle someone. Uggh.

Team Chemistry

Much has been said about this year's Mariners club and chemistry. You bring in some solid clubhouse guys and all of the sudden you start winning. Is it that simple? We have heard that the likes of Griffey and Sweeney keep everyone loose. A few nights ago Grif and Johjima were standing in the dugout comparing all their gray hairs for about 5 minutes of the game. Im not sure why FSN felt the need to show the entire 5 minute conversation instead of the game, but that is an entirely different issue. Sims and Blowers were getting a real kick out of imagining what they were saying to each other. In the background you saw Sweeney and and Balentien come running out of the tunnel back into the dugout with huge grins on their faces. It would've gone unnoticed if not for the weeks and weeks of watching this team become increasingly friendly with one another. When Mr. F and I went to The Safe a month ago and sat behind the Ms dugout, guys were rubbing each other's backs while watching the game. (Except for Washburn who had his back turned to the game trolling the stands for his next cup of juice.) Then the Griffey/Ichiro tickling stuff came out (See Here). Then a source of mine in the NYC alerted me to an image captured after Sweeney and Russell "The Muscle" were seen headed into the visitors clubhouse at the new Yankee Stadium. This answers a few questions:
1) Why does Mike Sweeney keep having back spasms when he hardly ever plays?
2) What on earth has gotten into Russell Branyan?
3) Just how close is this Mariners Team?


The very next night Branyan became the 1st player to hit the Mohegan Sun Bar 500 ft away from home plate.

50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time: #48

#48: Cinderella Man



Finn: Never seen it. But I imagine Russell Crow fights people all around the world? Oooooh, my baby she loves me!

Mission to Mediocrity

I think it’s safe to say at this point that no one expected the Mariners to do this well through the first half of the season. (Of Course, I’m excluding the proprietors of this site, all of whom expected the M’s to be doing much better judging by the preseason predictions.) And while that first statement may be true, it’s more or less a Steve Scheffler-sized backhanded compliment, considering that the team is only 43-41. Many people would say they’re very happy with the decent start and I don’t blame them. It’s fun to watch a competitive team, especially after they historically underachieved last year. While I too have been pleasantly surprised by the non-ineptness (eptness?) of this squad I have come to a realization over the past couple of weeks … we couldn’t be in a worse position.

As we approach the trade deadline the M’s are caught in no man’s land, tantalizingly close to the division lead (4.5 games back by the end of the night) yet obviously flawed at the same time. It’s this point in the season when teams usually decide to become buyers or sellers, and it’s time for me to figure out which one the Mariners should be. Why me? Because who else is gonna do it? You? Huh? You gonna do it? Didn’t think so asshole. Anyway, here we go:

The Case for Buying:

We’re so close! Right now we’re 4.5 games back. As we all know the M’s have come back to win the division from much bigger deficits before. Our pitching has been very good, borderline dominant; and coming down the stretch and in the playoffs good pitching rises above good hitting. If the M’s went in to the first round of the playoffs with their 3-man rotation lined up correctly they could throw Felix-Bedard-Washburn at the opposition. The way these three have been pitching, it gives them a great chance to get by round one at least. While the hitting hasn’t been great, it has proven timely, and if the pitching staff keeps it up, that’s all they need. Of course, if the M’s are buying, hitting would be the first thing they would try to address. An added bat in the middle of the line-up could go far. How far? How about all the way to Cooperstown! (That’s right by that last statement I’m implying the whole team will be enshrined in the Hall of Fame. Sure it’s unprecedented, but so was SoDo MoJo, and we all know how that turned out ….. oops, let’s just move on.)

The Case for Selling:

We’re as good as we can get. The pitching staff has been pretty unreal this year. They have the best ERA in the AL by a decent margin (.2 runs) and the team’s record is only 43-41. Why? Because they can’t hit. They’re 12th in the AL in OBP, Slugging Pct., and OPS, and 13th in runs scored. But when you look at the line-up would you really say that anyone is underachieving? Except for Beltre, who was starting to come around as he always does in the 2nd half of the year before he opted to have surgery. Honestly, if anything the line-up is filled with overachievers: Branyan, Gutierrez, Chavez (before he got hurt), Johjima (I didn’t expect him to get a hit this year, so he’s done well by those expectations). What it boils down to is that this line-up just flat out sucks. Franklin Gutierrez is batting 5th … that’s not good. (I know he’s hit very well lately, but still) (By the way, I’m trying to set a record for parenthetical comments.) So, obviously, if we were trying to buy we’d look for hitting, but who would we realistically get? The only place I could see a possible opening in a position that would realistically bring us the type of bat that we need would be LF. The last thing I would want to do is deal more top-level prospects to get a decent player this season who probably wouldn’t help us get to the playoffs. (Wouldn’t we all rather have Adam Jones and George Sherrill at this point?) If we decided to pull the trigger we could deal Bedard, Washburn or even Russell "Fake Buhner" Branyan. While these guys might not fetch huge loot they would probably bring back decent prospects. And if the team is building for the future, getting rid of Washburn or Branyan wouldn’t be a detriment.

So there are both sides, and I gotta say, I’m kind of liking my second argument better. We all knew going into the season that the M’s probably wouldn’t contend this year. And surprise! They sort of are … kind of. But at the same time, they’re hanging on by a thread. The upcoming 4 game series with the Rangers could go a long way in determining where we stand. At this point I love all the moves that Z-Man has made, so I trust his judgment in the next few weeks. That being said, I think we were all fine with a dismal season as long as it looked as if it might be leading to better ones in the future. Unfortunately, what we might end up with is a surprisingly enjoyable season followed by frustratingly mediocre ones.

50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time: #49

#49: For Love of The Game


























The baseball stuff is actually pretty good in this movie, and there's a real touching scene between Reed Rothchild and Crash Davis at the end. But what could have landed this a few spots higher, was the addition of one line of dialogue. Erik... you do the honors....

Erik: "I pitched the perfect game, but it didn't mean anything without my perfect dame." .

50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time: #50

Here we go #50. We start off with ... well I'm not really sure how it starts out cuz I've never seen it. So I'll let the guy who voted for it explain it better... I give you #50: Rad



























Wanamaker: Rad is the story of everyone's favorite fad sport of the 80s- BMX. The basic premise was that the main character had a big BMX race and his SATs scheduled on the same day. He chose to race for a sponsorship and skip college (how I miss Reagan's America). What I remember most about Rad is Mrs. Mossimo herself (Lori Laughlin), Talia Shire and those great camera freezes on the bike jumps. In case anyone is curious, there is an online petition to get Rad released on DVD - http://scrapetv.com/Rad/Rad%20page%201.html

Mr. F: OK!!!! Well here's what the others had to say:

Peter: I didn't have this on my list, but I remember Scott (Mr. F's note: that's the legendary Scotty K) talking about it when we were younger and he thought it was pretty bad ass. It's the best movie about BMX biking of all time. Which reminds me of how Sinclair had the Huffy White Heat and the old commercial jingle for that bike was "Huffy's got what's hot now. Huffy's got white heat." Which reminds me of how any time that Sean and Adam were walking home from our house and Sean wanted to get home quickly he would tell Adam that there were guys that the guys would kick their ass if they caught up to them. Also, my girlfriend saw it in highschool.

Mr. F:Ah! Memories generated by films you've never seen. This list is off to a hot start... white hot.

Sean: Never heard of it. I bet its a rad movie, Im sure Im missing out.

Mr. F: Well, there you have it. #50 Rad. #49 tomorrow. And I've seen it!!!!

Huge exclusive interview in the works!!!

I don't want to jinx anything, but the crack staff at HCM have been working hard to get some more exclusive content, and we're about to deliver. BIG TIME!!!!.


We're in the final stage of announcing an exclusive interview with a local sports-related celebrity. I know. Awesome. Well, any guesses on who it might be?

Public Service Announcement

I'm real late to the party on this one., but just in case anyway missed it...

Eastbound and Down came out on DVD this week. Just finished watching it. 6 episodes of an HBO show about a down on his luck ex-MLB pitcher. Stars Danny McBride and is produced by Will Ferrell and Adam McKay.

It's fracking great. Can't say enough good things about it. Seriously. Go buy it, rent it or netflix it. Amazing show.

Spoiler Alert... not really, the last team he plays for at the very beginning is Seattle. This is funny, because we were the last loser team to take a chance on the guy. You'll see what I mean when you watch it. And you will watch it. Becuase my word is your truth.

50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time: Intro

The moment you've all waited for is finally here. The 50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time. Notice I didn't say HCM's or Henry Cotto's Mustache presents. I didn't say that, because that limits the scope of our list. This list isn't for just this site. This is the definitive sports film list for eternity and the universe. Maybe more.

The list will begin tomorrow with #50, and we will (try) to add a new flick each week day until we reach #1!!! See you back here tomorrow... or really every day. You should always be here.

For more info on how the movies were scored click Read More! === >

Each Party Host (even Peter, his participation counted as his NCAA Tourney win post. The draft is over so as far as we're concerned, so are his posting privileges. Thank you for your excellent draft coverage Peter. Seriously)... where was I... oh yeah: Every Party Host was asked to rank 30 films. Their #1 ranking got 30 points, # 2 got 29, and so on... After totaling up all the values we had our list of 50. SHOCKINGLY, there were some ties. We then checked to see how many lists the film appeared on. The film with more list appearances won the tiebreaker. If they were still tied, we took the average ranking of where they appearead on the list. If they were STILL tied, we took a vote... film vs film. IF, when the list is all posted, and you'd still like to see the result totals... I guess I can email you the excel spreadsheet. But if I screwed up, frack off. This was supposed to be fun you anal dickweeds.

Just to wet your appetite... here's a list of films that received votes but not enough to make the Top 50:

Blades of Glory

Pride of the Yankees

Nacho Libre

The Air Up There

Dead Solid Perfect

Over the Top

The Greatest Game Ever Played

Any Given Sunday

Gladiator

The Last Boy Scout

Bloodsport

Gus

No Holds Barred

Major League 2

Mr. 3000

Gleaming the Cube

3: The Dale Earnhardt Story

Should have #50 tomorrow as long as the guy who voted for it gives me some info on it.... cuz I've never seen it, and I don't think anyone else has.

ALRIGHT!!!! Enjoy the list!

(PS I clearly haven't figured out how to use this Read More deal yet. Please be patient.)

It's coming...

The Hurricane
Above The Rim
The Color of Money
The Hustler
Seabiscuit
Side Out
Semi Pro
61*
Remember the Titans
Blue Crush
The Bring it On
Mystery, Alaska
Air Bud
Million Dollar Baby
Angels In America
Eddie
A Season on the Brink
Herbie
The Wizard
The Love Bug


All of these fantastic films have one thing in common...


Not one of them received a single vote on our official 50 Greatest Sports Films of All Time. I know... WOW. I know... you're excited! I know... you can't wait! Well, you won't have to much longer. The list begins this week!!!

Re: A Venture into Hostile Territory or The Worst Beer of My Life

Everyone has times in their life when they regret drinking. Usually it's because of an ill-advised make-out session, a soiled bed, or the fact that you woke up the following morning with someone else's blood on your hands and the sneaking suspicion that you may have killed again. It's not often that you regret drinking because it made you miss a first ballot hall-of-famer hit his 620th home run; however, this was the case for yours truly last night.

The explanation for this begins a couple hours before game time in the Dodger Stadium parking lot. Pete Williams (brother of faceless Mustacheer "Andrew Williams"), an unnamed third party, and myself had some pregame BL smooths (that's a Bud Light for all the lame-o's in the crowd). We were confined to the car by patrolling security guards and policemen. We might have gone to a nearby bar if they existed. In case you don't know, Dodger Stadium sits alone on a hill and is surrounded by a giant, circular parking lot which is, in essence, a mandatory $15 tip for the team (Thanks for the baseball guys!) You really don't have a choice, you have to park there, which makes getting out of games so much of a free-for-all that it's hosted by Todd Pettengill. Anyway, I can't speak for the other guys, but I was good and buzzed by the time I got into the game. We bought our tickets at the box office, Pete didn't have any cash, so he used his card, and I gave him cash for my ticket (this seemed like the logical move at the time). When we got to the game the aforementioned buzz wore off, and because I'm a binge drinker I was really fiending for something to drink by the time the 3rd inning rolled around. Now, if it were a couple of months from now, maybe my lingering college tolerance would have continued its decline to the point that I could have waited until after the Top of the 3rd, but alas, that was not the case.

As I got up from my seat I thought, "Well, we have the top of the order coming up, maybe I should stay." But, I knew there was a beer stand right outside our section so, I would be able to get back to my seat within a matter of about 2 minutes, I'd be fine. I got to the beer stand and, being in the agreeable state I was in, I was able to talk myself into a $13 Heineken. I figured I'd just pay for it with my debit card and forget about it, however, I was informed that this particular stand was cash only. I checked my wallet for cash but, of course, all of mine was sitting in that slimeball Pete Williams' pocket. I was forced to go to a normal concession stand that had a giant line. At this point I was dead set on getting some sort of alcoholic beverage, so I decided to brave the throng of fat Angelinos. I should have thought about this more, thought, "Maybe I should wait until the M's are pitching, Griffey's coming up soon." But I didn't, and now I'm haunted by it.

I had been keeping an eye on the game on the concession stand's monitor, it looked like someone had gotten on base, but I wasn't sure who. I got up to the 2nd or 3rd spot in the line when I heard it: a CRACK followed by 40,000 people groaning. I looked up to the monitor to see the ball landing well into the right field seats. One thought ran through my head "Don't be Griffey, please don't be Griffey." The broadcast cut to the Mariner rounding 1st, it was Griffey. I yelled, "Damnit!" immediately after I saw this, which was probably confusing to the rest of the people in line considering the fact that I was wearing a Mariners shirt (2004 workout tee).

The first thing I thought about when we signed Griffey was how cool it would be to see him in the uniform again, I envisioned him hitting a home run for the M's again and I got chills. Well, when we went to the game last night we were just hoping that Griffey would get the start. We just wanted to see him in the uniform. Seeing him hit a home run would have been too much to ask for, and for me, it turned out it was. Did I get chills seeing him trot around the bases on a 20 inch monitor hanging from the concession stand ceiling? No. I did, however, get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach; the kind I imagine someone gets when they realize they picked the winning lottery numbers but lost the ticket.

There are times in which I feel (and maybe some of you do as well) that I'm a glutton for punishment when it comes to sports. Whenever a team I root for falls short there is the upside that we still have something to shoot for, and that all the losses will make it that much better when we finally do come out on top. In this situation, however, there was no silver lining. If anything, you might say it was tragically comical because it was my fault. I could have just stayed put for another half inning and experienced firsthand what those imaginary chills were really like. Instead, I was charged $11.50 for a 24 oz. beer and a feeling of deep regret.

When I got back to my seat Pete said, "Well, that better be the best beer you've ever had." It was Budweiser American Ale so, needless to say, it wasn't. I really appreciated the smart-ass comment, especially coming from a guy whose lack of cash had caused this whole mess in the first place. When I woke up the next morning there was blood on my hands ... I had killed Pete Williams.

A Venture Into Hostile Territory

Tonight, myself and the Williams Bros. (Pete & Andy) will be heading to Chavez Ravine for the Mariners game against the Los Angeles Dodgers. Chavez is notorious for being a rough place on opposing fans, and I'm about to find out first hand. I'll be sure to let you all know how things turn out, complete with any pics. (no guarantees).

But hey, it's King Felix vs. Eric Milton .... what could go wrong?

Weirdest day ever?

What used to be one of my favorite days of the year starts out with a pin-up legend losing her cancer battle, continues with the death of the King of Pop, and culminates in the first NBA draft I've witnessed where I had no rooting interest. Torture.

Thank god those OKC douches didn't take Rubio.

Weirdest day ever?

Does This Guy Think He's a Linebacker or Something?

Looks like Owen Schmitt is desperately trying to get into the good graces of fans by following in the footsteps of other favorites Lofa Tatupu and Leroy Hill. Here's the link to the article about Schmitt's exploits last night.

Honestly, this won't affect how I feel about Schmitt. I liked him when he was at West Virginia and now that he's a Hawk I'm obviously an even bigger fan. But as the DUIs start to pile up for our starters you've got to wonder why these guys don't splurge for a cab ride home. Or better yet, why don't the Seahawks just have a car service that is on call at all hours? I realize that Leroy's incident was not in Washington, but it still makes sense.

Happy Birthday HCM!!!!

Well not yet.... but it's coming next month, the 20th to be exact, but that's during the week, and we only party on the weekends. Live responsibly kiddies.

Soooo... here's where we're having our party:



My pal, and quite possibly yours, Davin Stedman's band, The Staxx Brothers, are playing a show on July 17th at the Tractor in Ballard. If you haven't seen them yet, you're missing out. Fantastic live show! They're kind of a rap/blues/funk/rock bad... very hard to describe. Here's their myspace site if you need convincing: www.myspace.com/staxxbrothers

We're trying to sell the show out for three reasons:

A) They're a great band, and I know you'll all have a SWELL time!

2) The Mustacheers need a place to party. And this'll do.

and

III) If they have a packed house they get to play Halloween this year, and it could mean the return of our legendary (it got mentioned on the radio once, look it up) Andersen Bros. (and Eddie and Amy) Halloween Bash!!!


I know you've all missed it!!! I KNOW IT!!!! Anyway, it's win/win. Great show, and the possibility for a Halloween shindig to end all Halloween shindigs. Seriously. Halloween will be canceled forever after what were planning goes down.

But back to the task at hand... gotta slam the Tractor on the 17th of July for The Staxx Brothers. Tickets are only $10.50 with all applicable fees. Let's do it.

Here's the link to buy tickets for the 17th:

http://www.ticketweb.com/t3/sale/SaleEventDetail?dispatch=loadSelectionData&eventId=1754664

If that doesn't work just go to www.ticketweb.com and search for The Staxx Brothers.

Everyone show up. Seriously. Don't be pussies. Show up. It'll be fuckin' kick ass.

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One last piece of housekeeping... the Greatest Sports Movies of All Time... the DEFINITIVE list... will happen. Just needs a few more days to compile, and then we'll start the slow painful trip to # 1.