A new standard

The McRib's journey on HCM has been well documented.

But there's a new sheriff in town...

For those of you monkeys that can't count... that's 5 McRibs. And he ate them... bones and all.

Let's follow Peter on his 5 McRib journey!

So far so good...

Still no issues... but here comes #5...

Ok... so there weren't really any issues... 5 McRibs with relative ease. So there you have it Mustacheers. 5 is the new benchmark. Can you beat it? Probably not. GFY.

NFL Picks Week 9

Well it's the halfway point of the NFL season, which means it's time for the cowards at Sport Illustrated to release their revised playoff picks. They've already changed half of their division winners not to mention the fact that their website and their magazine list two completely different Super Bowl picks. Beginning in August I've gone on record with my pick to anyone who will listen: the Seahawks will simply be awarded the trophy after the AFC winner decides they'd rather not embarrass themselves.

Sunday Morning


Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

Alright Raheem Morris, 5-2, I see ya, I see ya. Seriously though, last week just reinforced my point that Tampa can play well enough to beat bad teams. Unfortunately for them, Atlanta is not a bad team.

Falcons 27-19


Chicago @ Buffalo

This one is being played in Toronto which marks the second week in a row that an absolutely awful match-up has been presented on foreign soil. I saw a headline that Goodell is seriously considering international expansion, but pretty soon no one's going to be interested.

Bills 24-21


New England @ Cleveland

Remember a few years back when Bradley played Pittsburgh in the 2nd round of the NCAA tournament and the scoreboard read Brad Pitt? Well this game is kind of similar, it's going to be Pats-Browns or Pat Brown. Who's Pat Brown you ask? This guy! Who's that guy? I don't know he's the first person that pops up when you do a Google image search for Pat Brown. As for the game, while the Browns may not be too awful I don't think they'll pull this one out. However, they'll put up enough of a fight to make Pat Brown proud.

Patriots 30-24


New York Jets @ Detroit

In the Jets' five wins they've averaged 30 points, while in their two losses they've averaged 4.5. I've said it before but I'll say it again, if you want to win football games in the National Football League you have to score at least 5 points. Rex & co. have decided to ignore that rule a couple of times this year and it's cost them. The Lions are coming off a win and well ... good for them, I mean it's not often you get to say that, I just thought I'd point it out.

Jets 19-13


Arizona @ Minnesota

The only thing that cheered me up while watching the Seahawks offensive line poop all over themselves last Sunday was peeking over at the Cardinals game and seeing Max Hall be Max Hall. I really like this guy because it's always satisfying to watch a guy that gives you exactly what you expect. He's like the opposite Peyton Manning. Anyway, it looks like the fun's over this week, fake me Derek Anderson has regained his spot as starter. As for Minnesota, I didn't have any volume on their game so when I saw Favre getting carted off the field while lying in a fetal position I honestly thought he was dead. Fortunately for the people of Earth, and indeed any extra-terrestrial life, Favre seems to be ok.

Vikings 24-10


New Orleans @ Carolina

Until they win a game I think Carolina should be known as the Blank Panthers. They could really make this into a marketing gimmick and sell black gloves to the fans. Steve Smith could come out before every game and raise his fist to symbolize the number of wins they have. I'm not sure why they would celebrate the fact that have no wins, but it would be fun right? (NOTE: As Mustacheer "Bobby" pointed out in the comments the Panthers have actually won a game this year. Considering they beat the Niners I think we can all agree that it didn't really count.)

Saints 28-17


Miami @ Baltimore

In a world gone mad there's only one thing I can trust: The Miami Dolphins on the road. These guys just get the job done. This match-up, however, is probably their toughest test yet. Does it matter? No. Dolphins are supposedly very smart so it would stand to reason that they'd do well on tests.

Dolphins 21-18


San Diego @ Houston

Was last week the beginning of yet another trademark November/December run by San Diego? Let's take a closer look: last week's game was actually in October, which would mean they'd need an October/November/December run. Not only that, but the last Sunday of the season is in January, you thinking what I'm thinking? A four month run might be too much to ask.

Texans 27-24


Sunday Afternoon


New York Giants @ Seattle

Obviously the Seahawks' o-line had some issues last week. Luckily the Giants come to town on Sunday, and their season high for sacks in a game is only 10, so Whitehurst figures to keep a clean jersey throughout (Joke's on you. Little known fact: the Seahawks play on an artificial fieldturf meaning that even if Whitehurst does get sacked his jersey will remain relatively clean.). Still, this figures to be a tough game for the Hawks, but I've heard that Jay Feely has been tapped to raise the 12th Man flag which figures to psyche out the G-Men.

Seahawks 24-21


Kansas City @ Oakland

Sure the Raiders are looking pretty good right now, but I'm guessing that this week they don't get an Immaculate Reception style catch that goes for 60 yards, a touchdown on a play where two defenders collide, or a ridiculously deflected interception. Did they deserve to win anyway last week? Trick question they were playing the Hawks so the answer is invariably no. My original point was that all the bounces are going their way right now, eventually they won't. Unless they're in the midst of some sort of an Angels in the Outfield-esque run and they're actually being helped by supernatural forces, in which case all bets are off.

Raiders 23-20


Indianapolis @ Philadelphia

It strikes me as a little curious that one day Dallas Clark seemed slightly dinged up and the next he was out for the season. Is it possible that Peyton Manning paid him to sit out the season to prove that he could get it done even with Jacob Tamme as the starting tight end? No. How dare you buy in to such malarkey, you sick, sick bastard. As for the game, it should be a good one.

Colts 31-27


Sunday Night


Dallas @ Green Bay

One week too early for NBC to flex this game out, too bad. You know what the lame thing is? I'll bet that even if they had the option NBC would keep this game just because it's Dallas. Either way we're going to be stuck watching Jon Kitna do his best Max Hall impression in primetime. I peeked at Dallas's schedule for the rest of the year and I don't see them doing any better than 4-12. I don't really have anything to add, that's pretty cool though right?

Packers 34-13


Monday Night


Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

And the week is capped off by this gem. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Bocephus doesn't even record a song for this game. They'll cut to him at the normal time before the game and he'll say, "I'm just so tired, what's the point?" Of course, this will result in Bocephus getting fired, but he'll have made a point that hits home with much of the nation. NBC will strike while the iron is hot, hiring Bocephus to sing their opening song meaning that we'll never have to hear Faith Hill's monstrosity again.

Steelers 20-9

The Savior?

Call him what you want: Charlie, Charles, Chaz, Chuck, Jesus, ChazMaTaz, RazzMaChazz, Beauty and the Beast Mode (thank you Wyatt Powell)... I call him the savior.

Charlie Whitehurst is HERE TO SAVE THE SEAHAWKS SEASON!!!

The comparisons to Jesus have been made (some might say the hair and beard are the source of those comaprisons, maybe) and that got me thinking... Didn't Jesus slay a bunch of Giants one Sunday in the Bible? Well Sunday at Qwest... Life imitates art!!!!

Charlie Whitehurst is HERE TO SAVE THE SEAHAWKS SEASON!!!

I can only think of one debut that had this much anticipation. And it was this guy.

Let's hope Chaz doesn't turn the crowd on him as quickly as our friend in that link.

Charlie Whitehurst is HERE TO SAVE THE SEAHAWKS SEASON!!!

GO SEAHAWKS!!!!

It's baaaaaaack!

I don't know about you, but I'm pretty tired of some crummy election distracting the American public from what's REALLY important...

Gentleman... It's back!!!

THE McRIB

If you've read this "blog" for awhile now, then you know of our love affair (seriously... ask around) of the delicious McRib. We love it so much, we eat MORE THAN ONE at a time. THAT'S RIGHT... a contest!!!!

Some have tried and embarrassed themselves as seen here.

This guy wasn't ready for prime time just yet (I expect more out of him this time around).

and then? This man amongst boys stepped up to the plate. 4 was all it took to set the bar.... and that's where it stands.

So we challenge you Mustacheers... can you eat more than 4 in one sitting? Go for glory!

Go for immortality!!!!

Good luck. And remember... much like sex with your girlfriend from Canada... pics or didn't happen.

NFL Picks Week 8

Sunday Morning


Washington @ Detroit

I was forced to start Donovan McNabb in a fantasy league last week. I knew it was a mistake, I just didn't have a choice. It was like drinking a warm Pabst Genuine Draft because all the stores are closed and you can't buy anymore beer (feel free to swap out PGD for your disgusting beer of choice ... or PineSol). So yeah, Donovan McNabb is like gross, warm beer; alright, the post is off to a good start this week.

Lions 27-20


Jacksonville @ Dallas

If either of these teams were playing anyone else I would pick the other team. As I've said time and again Jacksonville is lousy. As for Dallas, Jon Kitna's display on Monday Night almost overshadowed Max Hall's. Of course, that's like saying that that trash almost tasted worse than that barf; bottom line, you don't want to eat either. If the Cowboys hadn't fully checked out by last week, they certainly have now.

Jaguars 23-16


Miami @ Cincinnati

There's no doubt in my mind that Miami will win this game, all the signs are pointing to it. The Dolphins are now 3-0 on the road and 0-3 at home, and while Cincinnati may be the most exciting place they've played so far I think they'll have no problem taking care of the Bengals.

Dolphins 24-21


Buffalo @ Kansas City

My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Ryan Fitzpatrick will throw for over 300 yards in this game. Just kidding, there's nothing wacky about that, homeboy is slangin' it something fierce. My real Wacky Pick is that these two teams combine for over 90 points. Don't think it can happen? Well that's why it's wacky asshole.

Chiefs 52-41


Carolina @ St. Louis

If you would have told me before the season that this game would be for the best record in the NFC I would have told you that you were crazy; and it turns out I would have been right, neither of these teams are even above .500. Be that as it may St. Louis has been pretty good at home and Carolina has been pretty bad against all teams not coached by Mike Singletary.

Rams 23-10


Denver @ San Francisco

Sorry London! I love it when they show the fans during these England games and a lot of them have actually bought the teams' jerseys. I have to think that this is going to account for about 50% of Kyle Orton jersey sales this season. I really can't think of a worse match-up for the English to be subjected to. The Broncos' season is in a downward spiral after giving up 59 points at home to the Raiders, and then there's the 49ers ...

Broncos 20-16


Green Bay @ New York Jets

Both of these teams are coming off wins against their former mate Brett Favre, which makes me think they're kind of followers. Everybody's beating Brett Favre these days, including Brett's own right hand (Oooh, am I talking about him throwing picks or masturbating?). Enough is enough, I'm personally not going to make fun of Favre anymore, and I think it's time for these teams to branch out on their own as well. Although, It'll be pretty tough because these lame-o's all do what their coaches tell them to. The Packers are still banged up so I'll go with the fatter coach's team.

Jets 28-21


Sunday Afternoon


Minnesota @ New England

Favre sure does like to limp. Look, I'm not saying he's playing up the injury just because he realizes he made a mistake coming back and now he wants out ... ok, maybe that is what I'm saying. And if the injury isn't going to do the trick than maybe his play will. That interception he threw in the 3rd quarter was one of the sadder things I've ever seen (This is the saddest) I didn't know whether to laugh really hard, or just laugh normally. Anyway, Favre says he's going to "give it a try" this weekend, but at this point that probably makes it even more likely that they'll lose.

Patriots 27-17


Tennessee @ San Diego

The Chargers almost completed a great comeback last week, unfortunately it came down to big field goal and it was San Diego, so they fell short. When he was lining it up I said to Mustacheer Andy, "It's a big kick and it's Kaeding, he'll miss." Turns out Kaeding was hurt and it was actually Kris Brown, but I guess just being a Chargers kicker is enough to make anyone botch important field goals. It's kind of like Mariners left-fielders in the 90s, it doesn't matter who you throw in there, it's just not going to work out. So I'm going with San Diego.

Chargers 31-27


Tampa Bay @ Arizona

Raheem Morris thinks the Bucs are the best team in the NFC. I'm not joking he actually said this. Granted the NFC doesn't look too great this year, but come on. Their wins are against the Browns, Panthers, Bengals and Rams. The only team they beat by more than 3 is the Panthers. Their losses are against the Steelers and Saints, and they dropped each of those games by 25 points. It's clear that the Bucs can be a competitive team, when they're not playing anybody good. Honestly, Morris' statement is so ludicrous that it actually bumped all the great Max Hall material I had for this game. Ok, I'll fit in one: It looks like Alex Smith's got some competition for the NFC West's Most Incompetent Miniature-Handed Quarterback.

Cardinals 21-20


Seattle @ Oakland

Last Sunday's Hawks game was quite the tease. Every time they got into the red zone they would get stopped before scoring big, I wouldn't be surprised if they practiced with blue balls this week. But hey, a win is a win, if it's by 12 or 45, which means the Raiders got nothing on us.

Seahawks 21-13


Sunday Night


Pittsburgh @ New Orleans

Nice to see that the Steelers are still dirty rotten cheaters after another blown call goes their way. Finn already made the jokes about Big Ben and "getting it in" so clearly another Roethlisberger rapist joke would be in poor taste, plus I can't think of another good one right now. As for New Orleans, I'm not sure what to make of their horrible home loss to Cleveland. I mean I haven't seen Browns explode like that since I got food poisoning from Del Taco a couple years back. Maybe Bush really was the X-factor that made them go, I know that's true for Roethlisberger (Yes! Just in time.)

Steelers 24-23


Monday Night


Houston @ Indianapolis

Both teams are coming off a bye week. This got me wondering, what do you think Peyton Manning does on his bye week? I'll bet he just goes out back and throws footballs against the house really hard from like 10 feet away. It's that type of dedication that allows him to prevail in tough games such as this one.

Colts 42-24

Seahawk Football

After an up and down first couple months of the season, the Seahawks are a half game out of first place.



IN THE NFC MUTHA TRUCKAS!!!!

Bring that shit to Qwest!!!!

WE'RE GOING TO THE SUPERBOWL!!!!!

Big Ben is a douche.

So you're trying to tell me Ben Rothlessburger tried to sneak a touchdown in and didn't REALLY get it in, and they gave it to him anyway? Weird.

I'm torn between making a "Same fucking thing happened in the SuperBowl" joke and a "If Ben wants to get it in, it doesn't matter what the rules are, he gets it in" sexual assault joke. I hate this guy.

Week 7 Picks

My Wacky Pick of the Week was that Matt Hasselbeck would appear on South Park. Turns out that it came to fruition, so I'm off to a good start.


Sunday Morning

Cincinnati @ Atlanta

I've been paying close attention to Matt Ryan for the last few years because he's on my fantasy team. One thing I've noticed is that he's not that good. He's decent, but certainly not good enough to have a nickname like Matty Ice. At this point I think it's just as likely that he likes to drink a lot and Matty Ice sounds like Natty Ice. As un-spectacular as he is, Carson Palmer and the Bengals are even less impressive.

Falcons 24-10


Washington @ Chicago

Has anyone noticed Cutler doing this straight drop on all his passes? He gets the ball from center and just backpedals like it's the 1950s. Has he always done this? Forget any O-line problems, this is the reason Cutler's been getting sacked so much. Cutler must really like being annoying, that's the only way to explain him.

Redskins 20-17


Philadelphia @ Tennessee

So every time one of the Eagles QBs gets hurt the other one comes in and plays awesome. According to this pattern, if 3rd-stringer Mike Kafka has to go in he'd probably play the greatest game we've ever seen. What a transformation that would be. (Well there it is, the most high-brow joke I'll ever make.) Anyway, that most likely won't happen so I'll go with the Titans.

Titans 26-21


Jacksonville @ Kansas City

I'm not sure I've ever seen a worse 3-3 team than Jacksonville. Are we sure that their win over Indy even happened? I didn't see it. More over, I called down to Jacksonville and didn't get in touch with one person who actually attended the game. This all seemed pretty strange until I remembered that nobody in Jacksonville ever goes to Jaguars games. So I guess my conspiracy theory falls flat right there, but that doesn't take away from the fact that the Jaguars suck.

Chiefs 20-9


Pittsburgh @ Miami

It turns out I should have trusted my theory about the Dolphins on the road. Now that they're back at home this is a clear loss. The only thing that makes me think twice about this pick is that Big Ben is back in the South which could be a recipe for disaster.

Steelers 17-13


Cleveland @ New Orleans

Surprisingly Colt McCoy has lived to see another start. This is pretty impressive for a man that's never completed a pass more than 9 yards down field. (Think I'm joking? Look it up ..... Shit, you did? Well the fact that you even had to check proves that it was somewhat believable.) The Saints finally strung together a good game last week. Yes, it was against the Bucs, and it's tough to tell if they're any good but guess what? They get the Browns this week, so it doesn't matter.

Saints 34-7


St. Louis @ Tampa Bay

These teams have already surpassed or matched their win totals from last year, however, this one will probably still be a Stinger. I guess I can understand the Tampa fans' thought process. It would be like if someone told me that the new M. Night Shaymalan movie wasn't that bad, in the end I'm probably not going to believe them and I'm definitely not going to see the movie. In a related note I predict that Sam Bradford's season is brought to an end with a TWISTed knee.

Buccaneers 24-13


San Francisco @ Carolina

Blllllllllllaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!! Excuse me, I just barfed when I saw this match-up (and yes, I managed to type out mid-barf the exact sound that I was making). Here's another instance of a Stinger where you can't really blame the home fans. In fact, withholding this game from local TV markets is more a reward than a threat. But hey, somebody's gotta win right? And guess what, the Clausen Alert is no longer in effect, we can shut off the alarm. This is legitimately the only reason I'm going to pick the Panthers.

Panthers 14-13


Buffalo @ Baltimore

If you're in a suicide pool and you can still take Baltimore you should do it here. And if you're a Buffalo fan, odds are you're considering committing suicide in a pool. My advice? First off, relax, it's only football. Besides, you guys have been through worse, like when you lost 4 straight Super Bowls. Remember that? Also, there probably aren't a lot of pools in Buffalo, and any that are there are most likely drained or frozen this time of year.

Ravens 27-6


Sunday Afternoon


Arizona @ Seattle

A clash for the top spot in the NFC West. That whoosh of air you just felt was the nation holding its collective breath. As a Hawks fan I like the idea of Max Hall coming to Qwest Field for his 2nd ever start. We all know rookie QBs never come in to Qwest and get Ws .... Ok sometimes it happens, but Max Hall is no Josh Freeman!

Seahawks 27-17


Oakland @ Denver

Ask me which game I have absolutely no interest in watching this week. Go ahead ask me ... Well this is weird, I can't really tell if you've asked. You see, I'm typing this before you're actually going to read it and ... ok this is the game I have absolutely no interest in watching. Oakland's offense was totally awful last week against the Niners, and the Broncos are just mediocre, not funny-to-watch bad.

Broncos 28-18


New England @ San Diego

Alright Chargers, you're so much worse on the road it's not even funny anymore. Hold it, they've got Philip Rivers so it's still funny. However, San Diego has been dominant at home. If Antonio Gates plays I think they'll win

Chargers 28-25


Sunday Afternoon


Minnesota @ Green Bay

It's pretty amazing that in a week when Brett Favre threw no interceptions, everyone's still talking about his pics ... ZING!!! If I were Favre I would have said the following at my press conference, "Well, I am the all-time leader in picks, what's a few more," winked and then walked out to uproarious laughter. Unfortunately I don't control Favre, so this didn't actually happen. Although, it has given me a great idea for a Grand Theft Auto-esque football game where you get to control what the player does off the field as well. Sending dick pics would account for most of the gameplay. I'm not sure I like either of these teams, but I think the Vikings get it up Favre-style for this one.

Vikings 21-20


Monday Night


New York Giants @ Dallas

A lot of so called experts said that Dallas's season was over after their loss to the Vikings last week. Oh really? Well than why are they playing this week? I guess those "experts" aren't as smart as you thought. In all seriousness I wouldn't be surprised if the Cowboys just rolled over and died at this point, they don't seem like the most stable bunch.

Giants 26-20

Mustacheer Post of the week...

We haven't gotten shit for submissions, and I knew about this one already... but jimi had this link he wanted to pass on:

http://www.delish.com/food/recalls-reviews/mcrib-returns-mcdonalds-november-2?GT1=47001


It's coming...

Updated Loser List

I goofed it.

I screwed up on afew so here's an updated list...



17. San Fransisco - They won a game. They're good.
16. Charlotte/Carolina - combine the two and they're up there.
15. Winnipeg - I guess the team was stolen. They did win when they had them though.
14. Ottowa
13. Vancouver
12. Charlotte
11. Orlando
10. Sacramento
9. Salt Lake City
8. Portland
7. Jacksonville
6. Minnesota
5. Tennessee
4. San Diego
3. Buffalo
2. Seattle
1. Cleveland

Eric Wedge: Seattle Mariners Savior

Mustacheers... I give you the new manager of your Seattle Mariners... a real man's man...

Mr. Eric Wedge

We at henrycottosmustache.com support this decision for obvious reasons.

Thank you in advance Mr. Wedge for the multiple World Series titles you bring to this fine city of Seattle. You're the best!

The Worst City in Sports

(Party Host note: my blogging skills are epic... hence the fucked up post. Click read more to see the whole thing in it's correct order. Sorry. )

I haven't looked at the last one I did of these, so maybe this will be a total retread, but I thought I'd examine it once again. Who's got it the worst? Cities (or small areas around that city). I've got the Top 5, (with one that sort of surprised me), a couple of cities that have it rough overall but got a few championships sprinkled in, and then the 1 town teams that can't win shit.

Why'd I do this? I guess I just feel like a loser. Don't expect a lot of humor below, but I think it's always discussion worthy. If we can't be the best, I want to be known as the absolute worst. We're almost there Seattle!

Here we go...

One team towns that can't catch a break:

16. Ottowa - This is a town in Canada. They have a hockey team that, according to my research, sucks.

15. Vancouver - They'd be higher on the list if it were kick ass towns that kick a lot of ass, but that's a different list. Along with Ottowa, they lose point for being a NHL only town.

14. Charlotte - One NBA team (NBA teams in general took a hit on the list, because the NBA blows), not a long history. Not much suffering.

13. Orlando - A good team from what I hear, but still haven't won.

12. Sacramento - good fans.

11. Salt Lake City - Strong runs of competitiveness, but nothing to show for it.

10. Portland - A great town, with great titty bars. They can't feel too bad about themselves.

9. Jacksonville - They only made it this high because they're in one of the two sports leagues that still matter. Otherwise Jacksonville could eat it like the rest of these fools.

8. Tampa Bay - They don't have any fans, but the few that exist will end up being very bummed out when they look at this squad a few years down the road (Think '95 M's)

Big Ol' Losers:

7. San Francisco - You can only ride those 49er championships for so long (and CHRIST, look at em now). The Giants haven't won a thin in forever, and I think they count the Sharks and Warriors as their own as well. A real shit sandwich.

6. Minnesota - The Twins won a couple, but that 20 years ago. The Timberwolves are a joke, and the Vikings are one of longest suffering NFL teams.

The Top 5:

5. Tennessee - Here's the curveball. Sure, they don't have a gigantic fansbase in any of these sports, and lumping all of Tennessee together is kinda weak, but so are their teams. Titans came inches from winning a Superbowl . The Grizzilies blow and always will, (seriously, come back and read this post in 10 years and if they won a title by then I'll give you $10.00 each). They've also got a team in Nashville that sucks at hockey. Not a great sports town.

4. San Diego - The Chargers and the Padres. A couple of championship games but nothing else. Also, pretty sure they lost their NBA team too.

3. Buffalo - C'mon.

2. Seattle - If you need an explanation for this one, you're probably on the wrong site.

1. Cleveland - No championships in anything for over I dunno, 50 years I'll say. And then Lebron pulled one of the all time dickhead sports moves on the entire town.

Congrats Cleveland! But things are looking up with Holmgren on the Browns, and Carlos Santana on the Indians... you guys better step your suckiness, cuz Seattle we'll be closing on ya fast!

Time for more of my game by game analysis where I usually make a joke about one team and never mention the other:

Sunday Morning


Seattle @ Chicago

After watching the Rams game, convincing myself it was a bad dream, then waking up that Monday and realizing it wasn't I think it's safe to say that the expectations for the Seahawks offense were lower than Mike Singletary's football IQ. But that was before they decided to engage BEAST MODE. Now I assume it'll just be easy going, I don't see how anything volatile could happen with Marshawn Lynch in the fold.

Seahawks 24-17


Miami @ Green Bay

I've already gone over Miami's road successes and home woes, well now I have another theory. The Dolphins are actually a good football team but they're just a bunch of party animals and they find themselves easily distracted by the hot club scene on South Beach. It makes sense when you look at the two road victories they've had: Buffalo and Minnesota, two of the most boring places in the league. And now they're going to Green Bay, which would most likely mean another W. However, my Wacky Pick of the Week is that Aaron Rodgers will catch on to this phenomenon as well and open up a club in downtown GB called Mr. Rodgers' Neighborhood of Hot Chicks. He'll then fly in babes from all across the country to fill the place. The Dolphins will catch wind of the sick new club and spend the whole night there on Saturday rendering them hungover and listless for the game.

Packers 23-21


San Diego @ St. Louis

San Diego's road games have been ridiculously similar this year. Special teams puts them in a hole, then huge turnovers foil their comeback attempts. It can't happen a 4th straight time can it?

Chargers 27-16


Baltimore @ New England

I'm not sure what the Patriots are thinking with their trade for Deion Branch. Doesn't Wes Welker do the same things that Branch used to do in that offense? I think New England should be worried that these two will repeatedly crash into each other in the middle of the field while running identical, inverse routes. That conundrum is likely to cause a lot of problems, especially against Baltimore's ball-hawking defense.

Ravens 20-17


Detroit @ New York Giants

Fortunately for the both of us, I was able to watch the entirety of the Lions game last week and I can tell you first hand, this team is half bad. You might have thought that was a typo, but no that's what I meant. But being half bad is a step up for the Lions, they're now at the point where they can actually beat bad teams. Of course, that also means they can't beat decent teams yet so they'll lose, but they won't look awful doing it.

Giants 27-24


Atlanta @ Philadelphia

I'm sure a lot will be made about Michael Vick facing his former team, which is pretty stupid when you consider that of the people Vick played with in Atlanta only 5 are still with the team. So obviously this is a non-story; either that or Jon Abraham should watch the fuck out. I'd like to think that both of these teams are good, but they only beat the Niners by a combined 5 points, so they're really sending mixed messages. In the end I think Atlanta is the more solid team.

Falcons 28-20


Pittsburgh @ Cleveland

Normally this website doesn't touch on religious matters, but we should all start praying for Colt McCoy. Seriously, how big of a disaster is this going to be? There's no way McCoy survives this game, which is why I predict that by the end of this one Josh Cribbs will be taking the majority of the snaps. This looks like a shutout in the making, but I think Roethlisberger will turn it over at least once in his end, which will be ironic because Ben is used to people not giving it away in their own ends.

Steelers 23-3


New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

Everyone's still waiting for the Saints to play like themselves this season but consider this ... what if the Saints aren't themselves? What am I getting at? I think it's obvious: a group of alien shapeshifters have come to earth and taken the form of the New Orleans Saints. Meanwhile the real team is tied up on their spaceship constantly struggling to free themselves to no avail. I can only assume that the aliens saw the footage of last year's Super Bowl that was broadcast into outer space and thought it would be fun to play football. When you consider that their planet doesn't even have a similar game and that this is the first time they've ever played football it's actually pretty impressive that they've managed to go 3-2. It also helps explain how the Niners only lost to them by 3.

Saints 21-18


Kansas City @ Houston

Here's two teams struggling to break through into the playoffs. My guess is that this will be pretty competitive because both squads want to prove they're for real. However, if we're not sure of either team's legitimacy will a victory over the other really mean anything? It's like in school when you'd tell two losers to fight and whichever one won could sit at your lunch table, then after the fight you'd reveal it was all just a sick, hilarious joke. (What you guys never did that? Well then you missed out on good prankin') In this case I'm guessing Houston is the tougher nerd.

Texans 24-13


Sunday Afternoon


New York Jets @ Denver

Up to this point Mark Sanchez has thrown 8 TDs and 0 INTs, and it's clear that he has me to thank for his success, seeing as how I challenged him to be great in my Week 1 Picks when I wrote "... I'm curious to see whether or not Mark Sanchez can actually throw for more TDs than interceptions ..." You're welcome Mark. Now let's see if this can't work the other way: I'm curious to see if Rex Ryan can royally fuck up the rest of this year and cause the Jets to lose the rest of their games. It's worth a shot.

Jets 19-14


Oakland @ San Francisco

Apparently a "We want Carr" chant broke out at Candlestick on Sunday night. While I can't blame the San Fran fans for not wanting to see anymore of Alex Smith, they should really be careful what they wish for. If they were smart they would have chanted, "We want a decent quarterback with regular man-sized hands and the ability to look down field while scrambling. We could also use a coach who has some idea of what he's doing instead of a bumbling fool whose only saving grace is that he was able to convince people that he's a master motivator." It's not exactly a catchy chant but it would certainly get the point across.

Raiders 24-23


Dallas @ Minnesota

Quite a big deal is being made of the fact that one of the infamous Brett Favre texts may have been a picture of himself masturbating with crocs on. I'm wondering why the crocs part is even included. Would it be better if he were masturbating while wearing work boots? Maybe some nice wing-tips or penny loafers? What is the appropriate footwear when sending a dick pic? The right answer is that there is no right answer. In the many dick pics I've sent I've found that you really shouldn't include your feet in the shot at all, it just freaks the girl out ... other than that they're usually totally cool with it.

Cowboys 24-19


Sunday Night


Indianapolis @ Washington

Last week Peyton Manning laid his first Fantasy stinker of the year, meaning he'll probably come back with a vengeance on Sunday night. (by the way, don't look up "fantasy stinker" on google) So far it's been hard for me to tell if the Redskins are actually decent or just lucky. Of course, it could be a little bit of both, but when it comes to the Redskins I really don't like making compromises, so I'll say they've been lucky, which is why I'll take the Colts. (Fun fact: the bold part of the last sentence is a quote from Andrew Jackson).

Colts 34-17


Monday Night


Tennessee @ Jacksonville

The Jags have managed to join the Cardinals in the "How the Hell are we 3-2" sect of the NFL (A club I'm really hoping the Hawks can join this week!!!) In other words I have no confidence in them, which has to be disappointing for the Jags.

Titans 20-10

New Posts!!!!

Alrighty! I've got some exciting plans on how to save this site! AND one BIG surprise...



The surprise is they aren't really exciting.

- Still looking forward to the Mustacheer post of the week. But we haven't reeeeeeallly had any submissions. Seriously, send it in and I'll post it. Unless it's a pic of Favre's cock. HI-O!!!!

- Think we'll also be introducing a YouTube clip of the week. Probably sports related. I dunno. That'll at least spam some content on here. Christ.

- Finally a new segement called:

"Shit that made me laugh at the gym today"

I'm at the gym... a lot... obviously. But I hate the douchebags who post stuff all over facebook about the times they're at the gym. Real studs BLOG about it.

Anyway... today: Saw some guy rolling around on one of those big balls people use for situps. I guess he was stretching, but he looked, moved, and sounded like a vampire that had just been staked. I don't know what this cat's deal was, but I ran to the other side of the gym when it started and could still hear it. Almost felt bad for him. Sounded like PAIN. Anyway, an employee ultimately came up to him and I think kicked him out, cuz he left right after their chat.

HAHAHA!

Have a great week Mustacheers!

The Future is bright

Despite being force fed Husky propaganda by their desperate father... I give you the starting left side of our offensive line 2025:






Thye project out to be roughly 6'8'' 325 and 6'6'' 315, respectively.

So fear not Coug fans... there is a new hope!

NFL Picks Week 5

I'm sure a lot of you thought that since the Seahawks aren't playing this week I would have no reason to make picks. In fact, I know a few of you thought this because you told me as much in repeated e-mails that, if I didn't know any better, seemed to suggest that you didn't want me to make picks. Well fear not, I've got a hot batch of picks fresh out of the oven. (Note to all the kids who read HCM: Do NOT print these out and put them in the oven.)

Sunday Morning


Jacksonville @ Buffalo

Last week Scobee made a GW 59 yarder. The Jags may want to try a new strategy in which every time they get to the 40 yard-line they go for a FG to avoid any mistakes that would inevitably happen if their offense stayed on the field.

Jaguars 15-10


Tampa Bay @ Cincinnati

It was nice that Tampa got to spend an extra week above .500 because of their bye. This is like if a Governor granted a death row inmate a stay of execution just to fuck with him. Then a week or two later he calls and he's like, "Ok, but seriously, we're gonna have to execute you."

Bengals 20-13


Atlanta @ Cleveland

I really wanted to pick the Browns last week, but I'd picked them twice this year and they lost each time, so I had to go against them in Week 4. Of course, they ended up winning; sneaky Browns ... sneaky browns, that reminds me of the time I drank a full 2-liter of Squirt. (Look, if they don't want people to make poop jokes they should change their team name already.) Anyway, fool me twice shame on me, but I still don't think you'll beat the Falcons.

Falcons 27-17


St. Louis @ Detroit

It's become quite clear that the Rams are one of the premiere teams in the NFL. I mean, that's the only explanation for what happened last week. Be that as it may, the Lions have been close in all of their losses so far. At this point, a lot of people would say that close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades (in fact, some people would define their whole High School experience with that phrase). To that I'd say close also counts when we're talking about Glenn Close, star of Damages, Season 4 coming soon exclusively to the 101 Network only on DirecTV.

Lions 24-20


Kansas City @ Indianapolis

I'm not betting against the Colts until they lose .... what's that? They've already lost twice? The Colts are 2-2? Hmm. Oh well, I think that jokester Governor might be on the phone to Kansas City as well.

Colts 31-14


Green Bay @ Washington

Neither of these teams seemed very interested in winning their games last week, yet they both did. (The Hawks tried a similar strategy in St. Louis, results differed.) Will one of these teams step up and take this game. Sure, maybe, I don't care. Uggh, do I even have to make a pick? Fine ...

Packers 24-16


Chicago @ Carolina

Some of you may have seen that Carolina only lost to NO by 2 and thought that Jimmy Clausen did a decent job. Rest assured, he didn't. I was assigned that game at work so I got a chance to really check out Jimbo. He managed to avoid throwing any interceptions (which is really a shame because I was all set to start calling him Santa Clausen because he gives away so many gifts. I still really want to, it'll probably only take one pick for me to go for it.) but he also managed to look completely clueless on multiple occasions, including the end of the game when, on fourth down, he threw the ball well inbounds to a covered receiver who was 30 yards away from the end zone. Did I mention that there was :03 left and the Panthers had no remaining timeouts, meaning that even a reception in that situation would have been useless? Needless to say, I think I'll steer clear of Carolina for now.

Bears 13-9


Denver @ Baltimore

Kyle Orton's been slinging it for over 350 yards a game so far. I'm guessing he won't quite get there this time. And if he does, well then Kyle Orton, I owe you a steak dinner. (Which would actually be the second steak dinner I owe Kyle Orton after he beat me in our Oscar pool.)

Ravens 19-12


New York Giants @ Houston

Here's my Wacky Pick of the Week: The Giants show up to Reliant Stadium to find that the field is 500 yards long. Eli will come to midfield for the coin toss and ask, "What's this all about?" To which Matt Schaub will reply, with a shit-eating grin on his face, "You know what they say, everything's bigger in Texas." Manning will start to nod, put on his helmet and the game will get under way. However, it will soon become clear that, because of the large field, points will be pretty tough to come by.

TIE 0-0


Sunday Afternoon


New Orleans @ Arizona

A hotly anticipated rematch from last year's playoffs. But this time it's featuring Max Hall at QB! So basically this is a sequel to a movie that was shitty in the first place and with a worse actor in one of the leading roles. I'll just be calling this game Son of the Mask. (Ok, that was the best one I could come up with, I'm sure there's a better analogy out there. Feel free to post it in the thread.)

Saints 23-7


San Diego @ Oakland

We saw the Governor's Cup, then there was the Battle of Ohio, and now the California Classic. Just kidding, no one cares.

Chargers 28-20


Tennessee @ Dallas

If I were the Titans I would show up in my throwback Houston Oiler uniforms, causing the Cowboys to become very confused, "What's going on here? I thought we just played Houston!" It would most likely take Dallas about 3 quarters to figure out what's going on, and by then it would be too late. However, I don't think they'll do that, so they'll probably lose.

Cowboys 20-17


Sunday Night


Philadelphia @ San Francisco

Fox and ABC should have waited until this Sunday night to debut Lonestar and My Generation respectively, I guarantee they would have done better ratings going against this game. Seriously, shouldn't NBC execs just assume no one will watch so that the few people that do tune in seem like a bonus? Like when you go to Vegas and assume you're going to lose a couple hundred bucks, so that when you only lose $150 you don't feel quite as bad. Unfortunately none of these analogies made sense to Bateman, because he'll be watching this game very attentively, and when he goes to Vegas he assumes nothing and leaves with overdraft fees.

49ers 17-14


Monday Night


Minnesota @ New York Jets

Randy Moss has been given a unique opportunity to play in back-to-back Monday Night games. Unfortunately for Moss, because the Vikings have already had their bye week, he also has to play in 17 games this year. For a guy who obviously hates playing, this is disastrous. Still, Minnesota needs a win. Are they good enough to get it? Tough to say, but I really hate the Jets ... oh wait I hate Favre too ... I'm getting to old for this shit.

Vikiings 17-16

I wish we could say this about the Mariners

It looks like Togo fielded a fake national soccer team against the powerhouse of Behrain.(Begin typing here for after the break) I personally think this is what Jack Z should claim happened with the Mariners this year.  He assembled a winning team, but Josh Wilson and Brian Sweeney commandeered the team with a bunch of fake players.

Say hello to the newest Seahawk!!!

Marshawn Lynch!!!!

And if those pictures weren't enough to get you stoked for Beast Mode... well there's this little diddy:

I've waited for years to root for this dude! Can't wait!

Still need convincing what a bad ass this dude is? Just wait for Erik's (edited) post. Haha! It's fracking hilarious!!!

Pop Quiz Time!!

What do Mike McCarthy, Norv Turner, and Mike Martz have in common?

(This is where knowing how to utilize the "read more" function would come in handy)


McCarthy - had the best coaching start in the history of the Green Bay Packers, besting some dude named Lombardi. Took GB to the NFC Title game in his 2nd year (no need to discuss how they got there)

Turner - took San Diego to the AFC title game in his 1st year, has won the AFC West every year he has been their Head Coach

Martz - We all know about this a-hole. Greatest show on turf blah blah blah. When he left the Rams his team's averaged the most points per game in NFL History. He is now offensive coordinator in Chicago and undefeated.

any guesses.............

here is a hint: it has nothing to do with Pete Carrol and how he is going to win the Super Bowl in his 1st season with a team


(again "read more" would really work here)





These gentleman have all had the privilege of coordinating an offense with Alex Smith at the helm. They each only lasted a year because I guess they suck at football. Earlier this week SF fired their O Coordinator for the 5th time since they drafted Smith in 2005.

It is my hope that the Niners continue to fire their O coordinators until they find one who has a magic wand that can turn Smith into something not resembling a pile of shit. But since that will probably not happen, just keep on playing him.

Mike Johnson, this new up and coming, really smart, oh my god hes gonna be the best thing to happen to us since Joe Montana, is taking over the coordinating duties. He has spent the last couple years as the 49er's QB coach (sound of needle scratching record) SAY WHAT!!

I think I speak for most Seahawk Fans when I say "ooooh, really scared." As long as Alex Smith is running the show there is nothing to be worried about. And to Mr. Johnson, good luck in your next gig next season, we hope its in the AFC.

NFL Picks Week 4

I came back with a strong showing last week. It was quite the return ... speaking of great returns ... and ....

Sunday Morning


San Francisco @ Atlanta

So the Niners fired their Offensive Coordinator. I'm sure that when he had to clean out his desk it took him a while to gather all of his papers and shuffle through them. If I were Singletary I'd tell everyone that he had been in charge of calling timeouts too.

Falcons 35-10


Cincinnati @ Cleveland

One week after the Governor's Cup determined the best football team in Texas we get the Battle of Ohio. However, I'm not so sure that this one will be confined to the Bengals and Browns. My Wacky Pick of the Week is that during the 3rd quarter Ohio St. will do a run-in that will turn this game into a double DQ, forcing the first ever Triple Threat football game next month. My prediction for that game is OSU 28-17-7. My prediction for this game is ...

Bengals 10-9 (Before the DQ)


New York Jets @ Buffalo

So maybe the Jets are back on track, but now they have to face a squad full of Bills ... What? They didn't take my advice from last week? Fine screw 'em. I just checked and they don't even have ONE guy named Bill, not even a Will. Mark my words, this team will not win another game until they sign at least one player named Bill. Sidenote: I predict that Rex Ryan will coach this whole game with Buffalo sauce smeared all over his face. Not just his mouth, he'll even have some on his forehead.

Jets 23-9


Seattle @ St. Louis

After the Hawks dominated from start to finish against the Chargers the team's confidence must be pretty high. At the same time, the Rams just won their 2nd game since George W. Bush was in office, so clearly they're on a roll. Still, a loss here would seriously hamper my earlier prediction of the Hawks going 15-1

Seahawks 27-17

Denver @ Tennessee

Just when you think VY is gone he pops right back up again, kind of like herpes or a boner. I think I just wrote a commercial for the Titans marketing staff.

Titans 26-14

Detroit @ Green Bay

I think it's finally time for us to come to the realization that Shaun Hill isn't the superstar Quarterback we thought he would be. I know, It's hard on me too, I still have the ESPN Magazine with Hill on the cover and the headline: "On Top of the Mountain: Why Shaun Hill is Poised to Dominate the NFL for the Next Decade." I guess the re-sale value has gone down a bit.

Packers 38-17

Baltimore @ Pittsburgh

Looking at the abbreviations for this game you get BAL @ PIT, or Balpit ... Ball-pit. Sadly I think hanging out in a ball-pit might be more fun than watching these offenses. Especially if it's one of the ones with a pyramid in the middle that you can climb up. I never could get to the top though, I mean they wouldn't let you wear shoes in there, how the hell was I supposed to get to the top with just socks on? It was way too slippery. To sum things up, I'll take the Ravens.

Ravens 14-10

Carolina @ New Orleans

The Clausen Alert is still in effect, which I love because it makes it way easier to pick games. The Saints have yet to hit their stride, but I'm guessing they will this Sunday, more specifically their D-line will hit its stride all over Jimmy Clausen's face. Sure they'll get a few penalties for stomping another player's head but I'll bet the refs will be cool with it for the most part, and probably even throw out a few fist bumps.

Saints 28-9

Sunday Afternoon

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

If I went in for surgery and it turned out that Peyton Manning was the surgeon I think I'd be cool with it. The point is I trust him, I've gotten past the Super Bowl clinching interception he threw. Hell, even the best surgeon severs a nerve sac every now and then.

Colts 24-20

Houston @ Oakland

Does anybody else think that someone was holding Janikowski's family hostage last Sunday, and that's why he missed that 32 yard potential game-winner? Unfortunately, the spread was Cards by 4.5, so they probably killed his family anyway. Rumor has it that the Texans really like playing on fields with a lot of dirt on them, so this game should be right up their alley.

Texans 27-15

Washington @ Philadelphia

After so many years of booing him as an Eagle I wonder if it will even be fun for the Philly fans to boo McNabb now that he's on another team. It'll be like when you turn 21 and you can drink legally; it was just a lot more fun to do it when you weren't supposed to, and there was a lot more barfing. I say McNabb holds in his lunch this time around and pulls it off.

Redskins 24-23

Arizona @ San Diego

I'm starting to wonder if Norv Turner misunderstood the concept of "Special" teams and he's actually fielding 10 mentally challenged guys and Nate Kaeding? And then in the playoffs 11 mentally challenged guys. The Cardinals have two wins, they beat the Rams by 4 and the Raiders by 1, call me crazy but I think they might lose this game.

Chargers 30-14

Sunday Night

Chicago @ New York Giants

Can't they flex the Giants out of this game already? I'd be fine with never having to watch them on a Sunday Night again, which is the same thing I said after two episodes of American Dad .... ZING, topical! That being said, I'm not buying the Bears yet.

Giants 20-17

Monday Night

New England @ Miami

Sometimes a Dolphin's own home can be the most dangerous place for it. I learned that when I watched The Cove, and that theory was proven again last Sunday when Miami lost their opener at SunSharkLandLife Stadium. After this game I think they'll drop to 0-2 at home and Tom Brady will start referring to his throwing arm as The Harpoon.

Patriots 25-22

Important question!

What's.... new gang?

NFL Picks Week3

So last week turned out a bit rough, I went 6-9. Look, I'd love to say I did it on purpose for comedy's sake, but I don't want to lie to you guys. Luckily for all of you, there's no head coach who can pull me after a bad week, unlike the guy in our first game.

Sunday Morning


Tennessee @ New York Giants

VY getting benched was clearly just a ploy by the NFL to set-up the ratings bonanza that will be the Kerry Collins Bowl. This is also a match-up of Titans and Giants, so needless to say, this is a BIG game. (Pause for laughter .......... nothing? Well then you better stop reading now.)

Giants 21-20


Pittsburgh @ Tampa Bay

I don't like either of these offenses, however, they say that the best defense is a good offense. Well, since both offenses are bad that would mean that neither defense is very good. Hmmm seems like I'm at a crossroads here. When in a bind, I go with the team that cheats to win.

Steelers 17-9


Cincinnati @ Carolina

Clausen Alert! Word on the street is that Jimmy's getting his first start. Also, I've been told that that's what he would say when he showed up to parties at ND. I don't like either of these teams, but I really don't like Jimmy Clausen.

Bengals 21-12


Cleveland @ Baltimore

New Browns vs. Old Browns, sounds like a fight in the pit of an outhouse. POOP JOKE! Here's my Wacky Pick of the Week: The two teams agree to combine into one, Little Giants style. The Ravens organization is dissolved, and everybody seems pretty cool with it afterward, even the people in Baltimore, it's weird I know.

Ravens 20-6


Dallas @ Houston

Anybody aware that this game is known as The Governor's Cup. Who cares? I'll tell ya someone who does ... Rick Perry, the Governor of Texas. You wanna cross Rick Perry? Well if you do, you better look behind you .... cause that's where the Ranger's gonna be. Anyway, Dallas is desperate, they have to win right?

Cowboys 28-27


San Francisco @ Kansas City

This is another Sleeper Game. KC has a chance to get to 3-0, meanwhile San Francisco's Offensive coordinator apparently falls asleep when he's supposed to be calling plays.

Chiefs 20-17


Detroit @ Minnesota

I would actually really like Favre if he retired right now. I would totally flip my opinion on him if he was just like "Nuts to this man, I can find some other place to slap butts." Eventually the Vikes have to top 10 points, and I think they'll do it here.

Vikings 21-14


Buffalo @ New England

A lot of people are saying the Bills are the worst team in the league, and that might be true. My advice? Just say screw it, cut all your players and fill the roster with people named Bill. It would be the most literal team nickname in the NFL since 1923 when Chicago fielded a squad full of Kodiak bears. Fun fact, they're starting QB had a higher career rating than Kyle Boller.

Patriots 35-13


Atlanta @ New Orleans

Turns out I forgot to pick the Atlanta/Arizona game last week. What does that tell you? The Falcons are sneaky. Sneaky enough to beat the Saints at home? Yes!

Falcons 28-25


Sunday Afternoon


Washington @ St. Louis

The Rams have hung tough in both of their losses, however, those games were against the Cardinals and the Raiders. That's like saying you came pretty close to acing that 2nd grade spelling quiz (which is apparently the equivalent of having a 138 IQ, because Foy's done both).

Redskins 24-17


Philadelphia @ Jacksonville

Maurice Jones-Drew is a supposed Fantasy expert, but he's having a horrible fantasy start to the season. I seem to remember him telling anybody who would listen to take him first in their draft. Is it possible that he didn't get himself in his league and he actually cares MORE about fantasy than reality so he's tanking his season? I say yes. With his continued lack of production the Eagles will surely win.

Eagles 31-21


Oakland @ Arizona

Here they are, the aforementioned Ram beaters. This is kind of like hooking up with an ugly and/or slutty girl and then being at a party where another guy whose hooked up with that girl shows up. There's a certain level of understanding between the two. You might nod, or give each other a sheepish grin. Neither one is proud of what they've done, but if they didn't do it somebody else would have, it's just the way the schedule broke.

Cardinals 22-13


San Diego @ Seattle

Maybe I'm overreacting, but I got furious when the Hawks made the score 31-13 with a TD and Carroll didn't go for 2. I have no idea why he wouldn't do it. If you get it, it's a two possession game, and if you miss it, you're down 18 instead of 17, which is basically no difference at that point. Is it the reason we lost the game? Yes. Cut and dry. Anyway, I guess we'll have to settle for 15-1.

Seahawks 21-18


Indianapolis @ Denver

The Broncos seem unbeatable at home, so this will be a real test for Indy.

Colts 28-20


Sunday Night


New York Jets @ Miami

The Dolphins have started out 2-0 on the road, and now it's back to SunShark Stadium ... No? That's not it? LandLife? ProMan? The point is, how can their fans have an identity, if their stadium is a schizophrenic? I'm not sure being home is much of an advantage. Although, it is when the other team's QB is Mark Sanchez. I don't care that he played well last week. As I've already pointed out, even a Kodiak bear can throw a TD every now and then.

Dolphins 19-16


Monday Night


Green Bay @ Chicago

Every year Monday Night Football rams a Packers-Bears match-up down our throat. Luckily for them, it's actually relevant this year. In fact, it's Week 3's only meeting of undefeated teams (besides PIT/TB, but c'mon, TB doesn't count.) Cutler's due for a 3 pick game, and what better time to do it than a home Monday night game.

Packers 27-14

Depressing

In what can only be described as pathetic...

our once high profile blog doesn't even appear on a "Henry Cotto" yahoo search until the third page.

Oh and in other pathetic news... David Schoenfield has a nice article on the M's hitoric season here.

NFL Picks Week 2

Last week I missed the Jacksonville/Denver game by one point, so it's clear that I'm back. (Read more!) Just kidding, I didn't even try to use the 'read more.' Sorry Bateman, I've buried your post much in the same way the Hawks buried the Niners .... aaaaaand we're off!


Sunday Morning


Philadelphia @ Detroit

Did everyone see Michael Vick in action last week? He looked awesome, and just as fast as ever. He really shook off that prison rust. It seems like he really could have used a football halfway house, a team that is sort of like pro football that could have helped him assimilate back into society. Maybe he should have played last year with the Niners. As for Detroit, I think they're going to have trouble considering Calvin Johnson can't even catch the ball. I mean c'mon, hold on to the damn ball butterfingers!

Eagles 26-13


Baltimore @ Cincinnati

It was nice to see Housh getting way too excited about drawing a questionable pass interference on Monday. Way to go Teej, you really know how to work those refs for the cheapies, you're such a bad ass. I'm glad he reminded me why I hated having him on the Hawks. That being said, I'm scared of the Ravens D. Like legitimately frightened. I think it's because they're all on 'roids. You heard it here first! Can't wait to see Schefter ape that story from me too.

Ravens 20-10


Kansas City @ Cleveland

I was watching an ESPN show called Hey Rookie Welcome to the NFL, (I think that was the title, whatever it was seemed like their fallback in case they couldn't come up with anything better.) on the show it was revealed that Colt McCoy didn't know what division OR conference the Browns were in! If you ask me that's just as bad as Antonio Cromartie struggling to name all 7 of his children on Hard Knocks. The irony of it all is that Cromartie's 2 year old is actually named AFC North.

Browns 16-13


Chicago @ Dallas

If I had to watch a fight to the death between Romo and Cutler I would root for the Rancor. (I'm assuming, of course, that the fight is taking place in a Rancor's pit.) If for no other reason than that I don't want to have to see the Rancor Keeper cry again. To sum up my analysis, I think the Cowboys bounce back at home.

Cowboys 24-14


Buffalo @ Green Bay

As my Wacky Pick of the Week I say that both of these cold weather teams agree to have snow trucked in to Lambeau on Sunday. Eventually things will break down into an all out snowball fight which will prompt Brett Favre to request an immediate trade back to the Packers so he can "Get in on that shit."

Packers 41-14


Pittsburgh @ Tennessee

The Steelers managed to survive week 1 without Roethlisberger, which is more than I can say for multiple bars in Milledgeville, Georgia. But I'm not sure they can get by a Titans team that looked tight last week ..... hella tight.

Titans 19-13


Miami @ Minnesota

I'd like to see Henne and Favre in an Odd Couple style sitcom. One's a game manager, the other's a gunslinger. It could be called The Game Manager & The Old Deuche. I think Miami can hang tough, but no one hangs tougher than an old deuche ... nope that double entendre didn't work.

Vikings 24-20


Tampa Bay @ Carolina

This game will sell out, because it's a home opener, but if Tampa keeps up their Stinger pace I'm going to start calling them the Scorpions. Looking at their schedule, I'm guessing they could be involved in as many as 7 Stingers before the season is done. Oh, and they'll probably lose this game.

Panthers 21-14


Sunday Afternoon


St. Louis @ Oakland

This game seems like it would inspire the kind of sheer horror that would result in viewers having a "Space Madness" stare like at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, or like these guys. Also, this game should make people in LA glad that they no longer have either of these teams.

Raiders 24-22


New England @ New York Jets

Rex what happened to your offense? Oh that's right they were always shitty. Dustin Keller was just putting everyone out of their misery by stepping out short on that 4th & 10. He was like a guy that goes to visit you in the hospital for a broken leg and tries to smother you with your pillow like he's an angel of mercy, not that that's ever happened. I think the Jets will continue to stink ... which reminds me of the time I farted on a plane (who am I kidding, that happens every time).

Patriots 17-10


Jacksonville @ San Diego

Believe it or not, there are rumors of this game being a Stinger. Maybe it's because Chargers fans don't like watching their starting quarterback chew out his whole team every time he effs up. Good to have you back A-hole Phil! I still think the Chargers win.

Chargers 28-18


Houston @ Washington

First the Redskins took out the Cowboys, now they're going after the Texans. Don't you see what's happening!? They're taking their vengeance on the white man! I'll go on record and predict that they beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Redskins 17-16


Seattle @ Denver

I guess I was wrong last week when I said that winning all their games wouldn't be easy for the Hawks. Super Bowl here we come! And the good news is that we won't have to deal with the Redskins' wrath; surely they would never hurt their brother the hawk.

Seahawks 24-17


Sunday Night


New York Giants @ Indianapolis

Wouldn't it be cool if the Mannings switched jerseys before the game to try and fool everyone, except it totally didn't work because Peyton's taller and much better at being a quarterback. Since there's only about a 25% chance that they'll do that I'll go with the Colts.

Colts 31-20


Monday Night


New Orleans @ San Francisco

For all we hear about Singletary being very disciplined and running a tight ship, his clock management sure is sloppy as hell. Blown time outs, delay of games. Singletary got a rep because he talked a big game, he just doesn't back it up, or at least his team doesn't. What does this mean about Coach Mike? Cannot play for him. Cannot win with him. Can't do it.

Saints 27-13

Mustacheer Post of the Week

This one comes from (shockingly) Bobby Bateman:

Hey look, one of my favorite people (Michael Medved) compared one of your favorite things (the Seattle Mariners) to one of my favorite things (the USA). He says the Mariners can teach us a lot about America. Looks like the Mariners are good for something.

Enjoy!

http://www.usatoday.com/news/opinion/forum/2010-09-16-column16_ST_N.htm

# 40

Hey! They're back! That is all.

Awesome!

Go Hawks! Go Cougs! (I'll even let the Dawgs celebrate a little) Great weekend for Washington football!

By the way, I pretty much nailed my prediction on the game (well 18 off but whatevs)

NFL Picks Week 1

Well, the NFL season starts tomorrow, which means it's time for me to start trotting out my weekly picks. With the recent overflow of content on this site it might be unnecessary to clog things up especially since I still haven't figured out how to use the "Read more" function. But since I enjoy reading these so much I figured I'd bring them back this year.


Thursday Night


Minnesota @ New Orleans

A little tough to pick this one. I don't know about you guys, but I haven't gotten word on whether or not Favre is coming back, and that could greatly affect this game. If he plays we're liable to see butt slaps, across-the-body interceptions, and borderline illegal high fives for the referees. And if he doesn't play there will be no reason to watch this game or any football at all for that matter. Either way, I'll take the Saints. Interesting fact: they were the only playoff team to end last year on a winning streak. In other words, these guys are hot.

Saints 35-23


Sunday - Morning


Carolina @ New York Giants

This is the first game in the new Giants Stadium. I remember reading an article about a longtime Giants season ticket holder who was no longer able to afford tickets because of the extra Personal Seat License charge. Well, that poor-ass pussy is going to be sorry he missed this one, it has Game of the Year written all over it.

Giants 23-10


Atlanta @ Pittsburgh

At this point an immature person would make a Roethlisberger rape joke. Hey, I'll bet the cheerleaders are worried that Roethlisberger is going to be on the field with so much free time on his hands. My Wacky Pick of the Week says he snags a few beers from the stands and that by midway through the 3rd quarter he's approaching the cheerleading squad while shouting his "All my bitches take shots," catchphrase. In other words, Roethlisberger's a winner, and the Steelers are in trouble without him.

Falcons 24-20


Cleveland @ Tampa Bay

Uh oh, has there ever been a Week 1 Stinger? We might have one on our hands. One thing's for sure, we've got a Week 1 Stinker!

Cleveland 19-16


Denver @ Jacksonville

Last year Denver started out 6-0 but were seriously hampered after Josh McDaniel threw out his shoulder on some fist pumps. Well, he's supposedly back at full strength, but I'm not sure I buy it. Meanwhile, Jacksonville's coach Jack Del Rio can still fist pump with the best of 'em, not to mention fist bump.

Jaguars 24-16


Indianapolis @ Houston

Manning's probably still smarting over that costly interception in the Super Bowl. But as Manning's always said, "Smarting makes me smarter." I'm surprised you guys haven't heard it before, it's one of my favorite quotes and it really spells trouble for Houston.

Colts 38-31


Miami @ Buffalo

If you're anything like me you saw this game on the schedule and thought, "Boy, seems like these teams play every year." Well, I did a little research, and it turns out they DO play every year, in fact, they usually play twice. And don't even get me started on 1992 .... ya know how many times they played that year? 3! So anyway, it would seem that the NFL schedulers need to get a bit more creative. And, um, I guess I'll take Miami.

Dolphins 23-20


Detroit @ Chicago

This is my Sleeper Game of the Week, meaning I'd rather sleep than watch it. One reason to pay attention to this, however, is to get an early idea on how many picks Cutler will be on pace for this year.

Bears 17-13


Oakland @ Tennessee

I know what you all thought when you saw that these two were playing, "Holy shit! A rematch of the 2003 AFC Championship Game!" I know, I'm excited too.

Titans 24-14


Cincinnati @ New England

These are two playoff teams from last year ... two playoff teams that were embarrassed at home in the first round. Clearly they'd like to wash that bad taste out of their mouth, but hopefully neither team concentrates too much on oral hygiene during the game, otherwise the other will surely take advantage.

Patriots 30-17


Sunday - Afternoon


Arizona @ St. Louis

Is this the year the Rams turn it all around? I asked this question to a Magic 8-ball and it exploded. In other words, it looks like the Rams are still going to be shitty. Will they be shitty enough to lose a home game to a team that has Derek Anderson as their starting quarterback? Yes.

Cardinals 19-10


San Francisco @ Seattle

Here's the one that we, and indeed all of America, have been waiting for. Honestly, my expectations aren't too high for the Hawks this year. I mean, I still think they'll win all their games, it just won't be that easy.

Seahawks 23-20


Green Bay @ Philadelphia

Kevin Kolb has to replace a successful, longtime starter; he's basically in the same shoes that Aaron Rodgers was two years ago. Unfortunately for Kolb, Reebok has come out with a new line of cleats since then and if he actually does try to wear Rodgers' shoes he'll be fined $25,000. I think dealing with that distraction will be too much for the youngster to overcome.

Packers 35-26


Sunday Night


Washington vs. Dallas

What would opening weekend be without an NFC East game in primetime? A lot more innovative! These games all just blend together for me. Probably because by Sunday night I've started binge drinking to forget about that day's Seahawks game.

Cowboys 30-20


Monday Night


Baltimore @ New York Jets

As some of you may remember, last year I seemed to have a real grudge against Rex Ryan. Well, rest assured, I still have that grudge. It's interesting to me that a man who forgot that his team could still make the playoffs after Week 15 of last year could see his team as a prohibitive Super Bowl favorite going into the next season. Also, I'm curious to see whether or not Mark Sanchez can actually throw for more TDs than interceptions ... because he didn't last year. Anyway, Hard Knocks didn't do anything for me, I still hate the Jets. I also don't think they're as good as we keep being told.

Ravens 21-18


San Diego @ Kansas City

Apparently this wasn't a goof, this is actually a Monday Night game. That's funny enough right? I don't have to type anything ridiculously witty and/or irreverent as I normally would.

Chargers 27-12

The Reign Man!

Sorry EP, I'm burying your post with BIG news. (pay your dues)

I saw the Reign Man at the Tulalip Casino on Saturday night/Sunday morning. Shawn Kemp. In the flesh. At first there were conflicting reports, but when I got a look at him there was no doubt... The Reign Man. And you know? He looked good! In shape, seemed happy enough till some douches started buggining him and he ran back into the club (otherwise I would have been that douche).

I'm posting this for three reasons:

1) What the fuck else do we talk about here?

2) It was like seeing a super hero. Maybe that sounds lame... I don't give a shit. I started trying to think of other sports figures that come close to matching that aura... Junior's close. But he's no Reign Man.

and 3) it gives me an excuse to link to these sweet Kemp clips, enjoy:

Mustacheer Post of the Week

Well, we were going to let jimi be the first... but he ain't producing. Let me introduce you to our newest series of posts:

The Mustacheer Post of the Week!

We'll betaking submissions. Ummm... just send them to me.

Anyway our first post ia sort of stepping on Draft Guru Pete's toes... but it comes from EP... Check it out...




So with the start of the NFL season right around the corner it is always fun to make some predictions. Instead of the typical who wins their divisions and whatnot, I thought I would look at a more specific prediction. I would like to preface this by saying that I hope Matthew plays at a high level for us until he is 45, however, there has been a lot of talk of the Seahawks being in the "Locker Sweepstakes" with all of the turnover of the roster and a focus on getting younger for the future. While I still predict a 13-3 record and a Super Bowl Championship I thought it would be interesting to look at where the Hawks would stand against other teams if their plan was to draft the QB of the future. At face value, this is a great class of QB's (assuming all that are eligible leave school). For simplicity lets try to keep this to 1st round talent and teams that would consider a QB in the 1st round.

Very likely to draft a QB in the 1st.

Cleveland
Jacksonville
Washington
Seattle
Buffallo

Could very well draft a QB in the 1st.

Minnesota
San Francisco
Cinncinati
Kansas City
Arizona

Are in a spot where they should maybe start thinking about it.

Indy
New England


IF Locker ends up being the top QB on the board, I think we have will have a tough time being worse than Buffalo (they are shitty). But here are some other QB's that are likely to grade out as 1st or 2nd round picks.

Andrew Luck - Stanford
Christian Ponder - FSU
Ryan Mallet - Arkansas
Pat Devlin - Delaware
Blaine Gabbert - Missouri
Nick Fowles - Arizona

Where do you think we finish amongst these other teams and where does that put us in terms of a QB?

Go Seahawks!!!!

Season's about to get uderway, and here's a fun little game for all you Mustacheers to play:

Name 5 current Seahawks. Quick GO!

I'm ready for football, especially College

In an effort to bring the mustacheers the best coverage they can find, I plan on watching every single game that it televised, and stay married. ESPN 3 with the the 4 games at a time is going to make it a little easier. So far I have made it one day and judging from the email my wife just sent me of all the things I need to do when I get home, it was a good run guys!! Any who... while I was watching Presbyterian College and Wake Forest, this happened:

OMG

Pretty awesome huh.

In other news,

- Jacory Harris, Terrelle Pryor, Matt Barkley are awesome. To quote a co-worker of mine, Kiffin doesnt like his boys tackling in practice, apparently not in games either. Miami and Ohio State do.
- South Carolina will be a top 5 team at the end of the year
- Tino Sinseri is not the 2nd coming of Dan Marino
- Pittsburgh will not be ranked at the end of the year
- Someone will kick Kyle Whittingham in the nuts for his absolute bushleague behavior (That shit wont fly in the Pac-10 son)

F U 9ers

The Niners released two Cougs today (Paymah and Hill). As if I needed another reason to hate those gold digging ass bags. Can't wait to pummel them in the opener.

As a prelude to Erik's weekly picks column, let me jump the gun (Sorry Erik):

Seahawks 49 (on purpose, just for the disrespect) 49ers 6 (a 99 yard garbage screen pass to Gore for a touch... I gotta salvage my fantasy week. Then they miss the extra point when Colin Cole kills EVERYONE))

ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!!!!!!

You can't quit us!!!

We used to have 40 Facebook fans. I know this because it's been the same number at the top of our page for... well... ever. And now we have 39. Someone left. Hahahahahaha! (fuck lol) Hahahah!

First of all... we finally started posted things, and they left?!?! Hahah!

Second... was there something offensive in the recent posts? I thought they were pretty tame.


You know what? Don't let the door hit on the way out, ya coward!

If I find out who you are I'm gonna blog the shit out of you!!!!

Adios Housh!

Rumors are swirling and sources inside my head have confirmed that Housh will be on his way to Minnesota for whatever San Diego wants for Vincent Jackson. Dallas just traded Patrick Crayton to San Diego to fill the shoes that will be left by one of the best WRs in the game. I cant wait to see Hasslebeck hit Vjack deep 10-15 times this year. If you dont believe me check out this recent google search:




All I was trying to find was my old buddy from middle school Vincent Jackso

A Very Large Celebration Shall Ensue

However, none of us here at HCM are qualified enough to give justice to this monumental feat. Lauren Jackson has just won her third WNBA MVP award. Not to mention whoever the hell their coach is won best coach. Who better to let us all in on how this really feels than our resident Storm Superfan, Jimi. Jimi, please email me your thoughts and I will happily post it for you. Feel free to include pictures and videos, this will be your post. I can be reached at fortune@henrycottosmustache.com. We all look forward to finding out what this really means.

What a beautiful prank

I have nothing to add, just enjoy it for what it is: (except turn up your volume)

Josh Wilson trade cont.

Quote from John Schneider about the Josh Wilson trade, (the bolded part kills me):

Schneider: "Absolutely. This is the most difficult weekend of the year for everybody involved, for the coaches and for the players. All of these guys. The personnel staff that has to go through the evaluations and address the players. The players that work their tails off the whole season. Josh has been a factor here for several years now and done a great job in the community and everything. Very well respected. This was a team that was very aggressive in coming after Josh. They have a situation where they have a strong need and as Pete said it has more to do with the way Walter has stepped up and the way Tru is playing and some of the younger guys. I think it was one of those deals that comes along. We get calls on some of our players. We don't do everything, but this was one of those deals that we just felt like we couldn't pass up."

He should have continued:

"They were SO aggressive that we were able to squeeze a 5th round pick out of them! And it'll be late in the round too, cuz unlike the Seahawks, the Ravens are probably going to do really well next year! Even better now that they gave up nothing for Josh! Oops... phone's ringing gotta go... I've got a team interested in Brandon Mebane, looking to secure a 4th rounder in 2015"