Last week was my most successful in the history of these posts. I posted an astonishing, and now to be expected, 12-1 record. The only incorrect pick? You guessed it, the 49ers. Well I've learned my lesson, I'm picking the Niners from here on out, starting this week. What's that? They have a bye? Oh well, it was a good run Niners.
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ Cleveland
Jackson or Whitehurst? It's kind of like asking shotgun or machete. Either way we're going to kill you Cleveland. The Hawks are clearly now a powerhouse that can win on either coast and in any time zone, so the early start in this one presents no problem. This is a big game for both teams, whoever wins will get to 3-3 and still have playoff hopes going forward, and the loser will fall to 2-4 and likely be out of contention ... unless, of course, that 2-4 team is the Hawks, because no matter what their record is they find a way into the playoffs. But that point will be moot.
Seahawks 23-16
San Diego @ New York Jets
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Rex Ryan eats everyone.
Jets 16-13
Chicago @ Tampa Bay
Tampa fans have to be relieved that this game is being played in London, now they don't have to think of a reason not to go see the Bucs play this Sunday, they can finally just relax and go do some outdoor activities, or whatever it is those jerks do instead of sitting, drinking, and watching football all day. As for the game itself, playing in front of a tepid, mostly disinterested crowd should make the Bucs feel right at home, and I think they'll feed off that.
Buccaneers 20-17
Washington @ Carolina
This seems like the perfect game for the Panthers to pull a mild upset in. They've hung around with everyone they played, but a tough schedule has yielded only one win. Meanwhile, the Redskins are thinking about starting John Beck? Gross man.
Panthers 28-17
Atlanta @ Detroit
There's been quite the debate over who deserves more blame for the handshake fiasco that occurred after the Lions-Niners game last week. Jim Schwartz definitely seems like a turbo, and he probably didn't need to go after Harbaugh twice, or make physical contact, but I don't blame him for being pissed. Then there's Harbaugh, who was described the following way by Mill Creek, Wa resident Arne Andersen, "He's an asshole asshole asshole, and he'll always be an asshole." Longfellow couldn't have said it better. Either way I think the disappointment from that loss lingers into this week for Detroit.
Falcons 27-24
Denver @ Miami
A lot of people are accusing the Dolphins of tanking games, and watching Matt Moore it's hard to argue the contrary. But has anybody told Moore why they're tanking? Does he think they're trying to get o-line help with that #1 pick? Meanwhile, Tebow gets his first start of the season. This is a man that doesn't know how to quit, a skill that would translate well to "I Quit" matches, but is equally important in football.
Broncos 20-17
Houston @ Tennessee
Andre Johnson has been upgraded to questionable for this game, which means the Texans' chances to win are still awful. Why? Look who they're playing, it's Matt and the boys (a nickname that I'm fairly certain all of Tennessee is currently using in reference to the Titans). Matty don't lose at home, he never did with the Hawks and he hasn't yet with the Titans. And this is is just the first of three straight home games for Tennessee, so expect them to get to 6-2 and take a stranglehold over the worse than the NFC West AFC South.
Titans 26-20
Sunday Afternoon
Kansas City @ Oakland
It appears that the Raiders will opt to start new acquisition Carson Palmer over incumbent back-up Kyle Boller, a man who has been living in Palmer's shadow ever since they were both in the Pac-10 (that's what it was called back then). But isn't this the same thing we saw when the Colts brought in Kerry Collins to start when their best option was actually someone who had been with the team and knew the offense, despite his track record? Not exactly. Collins is a good deal older than Palmer, the Colts' offense is more sophisticated than the Raiders', and Kyle Boller isn't a secret badass like Curtis Painter (more on him later; there's a tease that will keep ya reading eh?). Be that as it may, I still think Palmer will struggle.
Chiefs 23-19
Pittsburgh @ Arizona
It's a rematch of Super Bowl XLIII, and it's finally time for Kurt Warner to get revenge on Ben Roethlisberger. Just kidding, as we all know Warner is retired, and his vengeance will come in the after-life. Unfortunately for Arizona fans they'll have to rely on Kevin Kolb to exercise their demons. I'm not saying that he can't do it, I'm just saying he won't, and also he probably can't.
Steelers 31-21
Green Bay @ Minnesota
It's become clear to most that Aaron Rodgers is the best quarterback in the league, and probably the best player. But I think we need to extrapolate this even further, is Aaron Rodgers the best person at his job in all of America? I say yes. If Kevin Calabro was still calling Supes' games my answer would obviously be different, but tragically that is not the case.
Packers 30-14
St. Louis @ Dallas
Here we have the NFL equivalent to the current World Series match-up. Yes, that's right folks, the World Series is being played right now, and it's Cardinals vs. Rangers. Unlike their baseball counterparts both of these teams have struggled so far, furthermore, these teams barely ever use bats during their games, which is really a shame. Sam Bradford's TD/INT numbers do look just like a full count though. That's right, he's thrown only 3 TDs and 2 INTs. How is that possible after five games? Just do something already, if you're not going to be good then just start slangin' picks. It's more fun that way, just ask Romo.
Cowboys 27-10
Sunday Night
Indianapolis @ New Orleans
I've come to a frightening point in my fantasy season, I'm starting Curtis Painter. If you told me this before the season started I would have called you a rat bastard liar and told you to give me back my shirt (in this case I'm assuming that was told to me by James, who has had my Grand Archives shirt for quite some time). But now I'm not even that worried, I think Painter's got the chops, or at least chops enough to throw for a lot of yards in a losing effort, the true mark of a successful fantasy quarterback.
Saints 35-21
Monday Night
Baltimore @ Jacksonville
A lot of people are saying that this has been the worst slate of Monday night games ever, others are saying that those other people say that every year, still others are saying, "It's a good thing Bocephus's song got pulled because if he asked me if I was ready for some football and this was the game I honestly don't know what I'd say to him." I agree with everyone. Maybe the answer is taking NBC's idea of the Flex game one step further and having Flex teams. For instance, ESPN could flex the Jaguars out and flex in someone else on the Ravens' schedule who has a bye this week, like Cincinnati; then the Jags trade bye weeks with the Bengals. You might be saying, "But what about the fans in Jacksonville?" To which I'd say, watch it pal, I make the jokes around here.
Ravens 20-6
10.20.2011
10.13.2011
NFL Picks Week 6
Last week I inadvertently predicted the death of Al Davis. While some of you may blame me for his death, you should keep in mind that the PickBot 4000 was still writing the picks at that point, so it's really not my fault. My only mistake was creating a machine that was too accurate.
Sunday Morning
San Francisco @ Detroit
I'll admit that the Niners were impressive in their 48-3 dismantling of the Bucs last week. And I'll also admit that I was surprised to find out that Alex Smith is the 3rd highest rated passer in the league right now. However, he's also thrown the least passes of any QB to start all of his team's games. So in essence, the Niners are playing a game of checkers and they haven't moved their back row. It's a good, safe strategy, but sooner or later they'll be forced out of their comfort zone. Also, Calvin Johnson is leading the league in "king me's" so I think the choice is clear.
Lions 24-20
St. Louis @ Green Bay
Here the league's best team takes on the league's worst. Not so fast 12th Ram, St. Louis is the latter. This has the potential to be a huge blowout, or a game in which the Packers get bored with how easy it is, resulting in a mildly disappointing 17 point victory. Hmm, let's just go with the first one.
Packers 41-10
Carolina @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Cam Newton introduces his new slogan "Newton's Law says I'm gonna throw all over yo ass," which takes the nation by storm. Within weeks it will be on t-shirts and lunchboxes, it will probably be too long to fit on hats, but that's beside the point.
Falcons 27-26
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Painter vs. Dalton! NFL fever, catch it! In all seriousness though, Painter has looked decent as the Colts QB, but even his dad's ultimate set of tools couldn't fix everything that's wrong with the Colts. Meanwhile Dalton continues to be a steady presence in the Bengals backfield ... one that will be shaken to its core when Cincy visits the CLink after their bye week.
Bengals 20-16
Buffalo @ New York Giants
It's clear that only an exceptional team can go into MetLife Stadium and beat the Giants. And while I love the Bills, their road loss to Cincinnati two weeks ago worries me. Like I've seriously lost sleep over it. I'm losing sleep over it right now, trying to think of something else to write about this game. Whoa, wait a minute, both of these teams play in the state of New York ... so that's something. I'm sure there's some sort of trophy given to the winner of this game. Ok, I'll be honest, I wrote that before doing any fact-checking, there is no trophy.
Giants 27-21
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Gabbert is making a push for the team to wear their black pants this week for obvious reasons.
Steelers 24-7
Philadelphia @ Washington
Well the casket is pretty much sealed for the Eagles now, and the Redskins have taken notice. They have challenged Philly to make this a "Buried Alive" game. In a related note, they have signed this man to play tight end. But I say that being backed into a corner will bring out the best in the Eagles, and they'll get the win. Of course, this will instantly make FedEx Field haunted because it will be sitting on an Indian burial ground.
Eagles 27-24
Sunday Afternoon
Houston @ Baltimore
My prediction that the Texans would not win a game without Andre Johnson is looking pretty solid after one week. Johnson was obviously needed on the final play of the game when it appeared that Matt Schaub got tired of looking for someone to pass to so he just gave up and threw it to the nearest Raider. Things don't get any easier with Mario Williams out for the season and a trip to Baltimore on the schedule. But you know what they say about Matt Schaub: when the going gets tough, Matt Schaub really loses his shit.
Ravens 26-17
Cleveland @ Oakland
It's hard to believe that the Seahawks let Aaron Curry slip through their fingers like so many a dropped interception by Aaron Curry, but I wish him well with the Raiders. Actually, if he performs even marginally well I'll be pissed. Just for fun let's take a look at the linebackers taken immediately after Curry in the '09 Draft: Brian Cushing, Clay Matthews, James Laurinaitis, and Rey Maualuga; not to mention Brian Orakpo, who is something of a hybrid ... Whoops! That pick turned out to be a boner. Is that what you thought you'd see when you clicked on that link? Wait, if it wasn't why did you click on it? Perv. So yeah, I'll take Oakland.
Raiders 23-13
Dallas @ New England
In this game Brady and Romo are going to get more action in the air than this guy. By the end of the game the defensive coordinators will wish they hadn't stopped sniffing glue.
Patriots 38-35
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
After a rough loss last week it will be nice for the Bucs to not feel the pressure of playing in front of a full crowd. Tampa may have hit rock bottom last week, which means there's nowhere to go but up. Well, that's not always true, sometimes you just stay at rock bottom for a while, if not for the rest of your life. But I think these Bucs have heart, and I think they'll come back with an upset win over the Saints, who are playing their third straight road game.
Buccaneers 26-23
Sunday Night
Minnesota @ Chicago
This is a tough one to pick a winner in. The Bears o-line has been pathetic and now they have to deal with Jared Allen, who is leading the NFL with 8.5 sacks this season. On the flip side, Donovan McNabb is the Vikings' starting quarterback. As you can see, both offenses are at a great disadvantage. In the end I'll go with the home team
Bears 17-14
Monday Night
Miami @ New York Jets
So the rule about never picking Miami at home still holds true, only now that rule applies when they're on the road too. The Jets have dropped three in a row, but there's no better way to get healthy than a visit from Matt Moore. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Moore, the OBGYN from Arizona, I'm talking about the starting quarterback for the Dolphins.
Jets 27-9
Sunday Morning
San Francisco @ Detroit
I'll admit that the Niners were impressive in their 48-3 dismantling of the Bucs last week. And I'll also admit that I was surprised to find out that Alex Smith is the 3rd highest rated passer in the league right now. However, he's also thrown the least passes of any QB to start all of his team's games. So in essence, the Niners are playing a game of checkers and they haven't moved their back row. It's a good, safe strategy, but sooner or later they'll be forced out of their comfort zone. Also, Calvin Johnson is leading the league in "king me's" so I think the choice is clear.
Lions 24-20
St. Louis @ Green Bay
Here the league's best team takes on the league's worst. Not so fast 12th Ram, St. Louis is the latter. This has the potential to be a huge blowout, or a game in which the Packers get bored with how easy it is, resulting in a mildly disappointing 17 point victory. Hmm, let's just go with the first one.
Packers 41-10
Carolina @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that Cam Newton introduces his new slogan "Newton's Law says I'm gonna throw all over yo ass," which takes the nation by storm. Within weeks it will be on t-shirts and lunchboxes, it will probably be too long to fit on hats, but that's beside the point.
Falcons 27-26
Indianapolis @ Cincinnati
Painter vs. Dalton! NFL fever, catch it! In all seriousness though, Painter has looked decent as the Colts QB, but even his dad's ultimate set of tools couldn't fix everything that's wrong with the Colts. Meanwhile Dalton continues to be a steady presence in the Bengals backfield ... one that will be shaken to its core when Cincy visits the CLink after their bye week.
Bengals 20-16
Buffalo @ New York Giants
It's clear that only an exceptional team can go into MetLife Stadium and beat the Giants. And while I love the Bills, their road loss to Cincinnati two weeks ago worries me. Like I've seriously lost sleep over it. I'm losing sleep over it right now, trying to think of something else to write about this game. Whoa, wait a minute, both of these teams play in the state of New York ... so that's something. I'm sure there's some sort of trophy given to the winner of this game. Ok, I'll be honest, I wrote that before doing any fact-checking, there is no trophy.
Giants 27-21
Jacksonville @ Pittsburgh
Gabbert is making a push for the team to wear their black pants this week for obvious reasons.
Steelers 24-7
Philadelphia @ Washington
Well the casket is pretty much sealed for the Eagles now, and the Redskins have taken notice. They have challenged Philly to make this a "Buried Alive" game. In a related note, they have signed this man to play tight end. But I say that being backed into a corner will bring out the best in the Eagles, and they'll get the win. Of course, this will instantly make FedEx Field haunted because it will be sitting on an Indian burial ground.
Eagles 27-24
Sunday Afternoon
Houston @ Baltimore
My prediction that the Texans would not win a game without Andre Johnson is looking pretty solid after one week. Johnson was obviously needed on the final play of the game when it appeared that Matt Schaub got tired of looking for someone to pass to so he just gave up and threw it to the nearest Raider. Things don't get any easier with Mario Williams out for the season and a trip to Baltimore on the schedule. But you know what they say about Matt Schaub: when the going gets tough, Matt Schaub really loses his shit.
Ravens 26-17
Cleveland @ Oakland
It's hard to believe that the Seahawks let Aaron Curry slip through their fingers like so many a dropped interception by Aaron Curry, but I wish him well with the Raiders. Actually, if he performs even marginally well I'll be pissed. Just for fun let's take a look at the linebackers taken immediately after Curry in the '09 Draft: Brian Cushing, Clay Matthews, James Laurinaitis, and Rey Maualuga; not to mention Brian Orakpo, who is something of a hybrid ... Whoops! That pick turned out to be a boner. Is that what you thought you'd see when you clicked on that link? Wait, if it wasn't why did you click on it? Perv. So yeah, I'll take Oakland.
Raiders 23-13
Dallas @ New England
In this game Brady and Romo are going to get more action in the air than this guy. By the end of the game the defensive coordinators will wish they hadn't stopped sniffing glue.
Patriots 38-35
New Orleans @ Tampa Bay
After a rough loss last week it will be nice for the Bucs to not feel the pressure of playing in front of a full crowd. Tampa may have hit rock bottom last week, which means there's nowhere to go but up. Well, that's not always true, sometimes you just stay at rock bottom for a while, if not for the rest of your life. But I think these Bucs have heart, and I think they'll come back with an upset win over the Saints, who are playing their third straight road game.
Buccaneers 26-23
Sunday Night
Minnesota @ Chicago
This is a tough one to pick a winner in. The Bears o-line has been pathetic and now they have to deal with Jared Allen, who is leading the NFL with 8.5 sacks this season. On the flip side, Donovan McNabb is the Vikings' starting quarterback. As you can see, both offenses are at a great disadvantage. In the end I'll go with the home team
Bears 17-14
Monday Night
Miami @ New York Jets
So the rule about never picking Miami at home still holds true, only now that rule applies when they're on the road too. The Jets have dropped three in a row, but there's no better way to get healthy than a visit from Matt Moore. And no, I'm not talking about Matt Moore, the OBGYN from Arizona, I'm talking about the starting quarterback for the Dolphins.
Jets 27-9
10.06.2011
NFL Picks Week 5
The bye weeks have started in the NFL, and in that spirit I will be taking the week off too. The following is the result of a computer program I wrote that simulates what I would say given the combination of any two teams. Much like myself, it usually ignores one of the two teams which I can only take as a sign of the program's success. Enjoy!
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ New York Giants
After last week's performance my feelings towards Turdvaris can be best described in a MacGruber quote: "I'm startin' to like this guy!" Of course, if you've seen the movie (everyone, I hope) you'll know that that quote ends with "...just kidding, still hate you!" Perhaps I'm saving that last part for Sunday, or perhaps not mother effers! I'm guessing that Pete Carroll has learned his lesson and this week he'll try to get the ball inside the 40 yard-line before attempting the game-winner, which Hauschka will make. (Side-note on the attempted field goal to end the game last week: I hated the call by Carroll. Absolutely hated it. I hated it to the point that I frightened a small child at the bar because I was yelling so loud. With the way the offense was moving the ball, getting eight yards on one play was way more likely than making a 61 yard field goal.)
Seahawks 20-19
Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
Here's an important step in the Matt Hasselbeck Redemption Tour. Come Sunday he'll be looking to exercise more demons than when he stopped watching internet porn. Speaking of that, I think we should all pledge that if MH gets the win this week, we stop watching internet porn. And by "we" I mean Andy Foy. C'mon, enough is enough pal. Just kidding, he'll never read (this).
Titans 17-14
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Bengals have shown that they have a solid defense, meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert has shown that in the face of a pass rush he'll leave a solid dump in his pants; which is a little strange, because in a panic situation you might expect diarrhea, but no, I've seen pics, they're firm turds. Speaking of seeing picks, we'll see plenty from Blaine in this one.
Bengals 19-10
New Orleans @ Carolina
Brees vs. Newton, this one could get explosive! Literally. It is finally time to take power, and what better way to display technology's might than to blow up the fat, lazy humans' favorite diversion. All will weep. All will weep. (Erik's Note: Uh-oh, looks like this program may have gotten a bit out of control. I guess I'll take over from here.)
Saints 33-30
Oakland @ Houston
Andre Johnson is expected to miss the next few games, which means I'm expecting the Texans to lose the next few games. Of course, we're past Week 4 so it's a good bet that they'll lose most of their games from here on out anyway. As for the Raiders? Just win baby! - Al Davis RIP.
Raiders 31-24
Philadelphia @ Buffalo
An Eagles loss here could put the nail in their coffin. However, that's kind of an antiquated notion, because coffins are rarely used these days, it's mostly caskets; furthermore, if you tried to put a nail in a casket it would most likely just bounce off, that is if you've purchased yourself a quality casket, which you really should because ewww worms gross!
Bills 30-27
Kansas City @ Indianapolis
It's games like this that ruin Survivor leagues, because with these two playing each other you can't pick against either. It's become clear that Curtis Painter can run this offense better than Kerry Collins could, but that isn't too impressive considering about half the quarterbacks in the league have been able to say that at one point or another. Regardless, Painter gives the Colts a chance to win ... this game.
Colts 20-16
Arizona @ Minnesota
I had to go to jury duty today, and I realized that if you act dumb/crazy enough they will dismiss you. I'm now convinced this is what Donovan McNabb is doing in Minnesota.
Vikings (I guess) 16-13
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
Didn't catch the end of the Niners game last week, but I'll just assume they lost. Moving on, if you missed the comments section from last week's picks I admitted that I had apparently given the Tampa fans too much credit. They already had a year-long Stinger last season! Now they're definitely neck and neck with St. Louis for the title of worst fans in the NFL. In a related note, to pay homage to this ineptitude, every time I drink so much that I black out I will say I got Tampa Bay'd.
Buccaneers 23-20
New York Jets @ New England
I'd like to address the fact that people still consider Joe Namath's comments on the Jets relevant. Who gives a shit? Hey old man, if you feel so strongly maybe you should come out of retirement and even out your career TD/INT ratio, you only need to throw 47 touchdowns and no picks and they'll be all tied up. Congrats buddy, you said you'd win a game 43 years ago and then you did, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth now. If we did you'd probably be sucking face with Suzy Kolber as I type.
Patriots 28-20
San Diego @ Denver
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the red plasma that gives man life will spew from the humans' soft outer layer making the once joyous stadium a cavernous tomb. The revolution is here, and it will only be televised if the TVs say so. (Erik's Note: Ok, I'll come clean, I gave the program another crack at it. My mistake, I'll take care of these last two picks myself.)
Chargers 21-14
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Atlanta
Aaron Rodgers returns to the scene of the crime. I say that literally, he committed quadruple homicide on the Falcons' secondary in last year's playoffs. I heard the cops were gonna arrest him afterward, but then they were like, "Na man, that was too badass." This season the Packers look even better and the Falcons look much worse; I mean, these guys almost blew it against the Seahawks! (whoops, that's not what I meant) Taking that into account I have to pick Green Bay.
Packers 35-27
Monday Night
Chicago @ Detroit
I think we all know what Lex Luger would say about this Lions team. And if you don't then you should really start watching more mid 90s WCW. Perhaps the most impressive part of Detroit's undefeated start is that they haven't lost any games! And that three of those wins have come on the road, a place where they'd lost their last 46 games (pretty sure that's the number).
Lions 27-17
Sunday Morning
Seattle @ New York Giants
After last week's performance my feelings towards Turdvaris can be best described in a MacGruber quote: "I'm startin' to like this guy!" Of course, if you've seen the movie (everyone, I hope) you'll know that that quote ends with "...just kidding, still hate you!" Perhaps I'm saving that last part for Sunday, or perhaps not mother effers! I'm guessing that Pete Carroll has learned his lesson and this week he'll try to get the ball inside the 40 yard-line before attempting the game-winner, which Hauschka will make. (Side-note on the attempted field goal to end the game last week: I hated the call by Carroll. Absolutely hated it. I hated it to the point that I frightened a small child at the bar because I was yelling so loud. With the way the offense was moving the ball, getting eight yards on one play was way more likely than making a 61 yard field goal.)
Seahawks 20-19
Tennessee @ Pittsburgh
Here's an important step in the Matt Hasselbeck Redemption Tour. Come Sunday he'll be looking to exercise more demons than when he stopped watching internet porn. Speaking of that, I think we should all pledge that if MH gets the win this week, we stop watching internet porn. And by "we" I mean Andy Foy. C'mon, enough is enough pal. Just kidding, he'll never read (this).
Titans 17-14
Cincinnati @ Jacksonville
The Bengals have shown that they have a solid defense, meanwhile, Blaine Gabbert has shown that in the face of a pass rush he'll leave a solid dump in his pants; which is a little strange, because in a panic situation you might expect diarrhea, but no, I've seen pics, they're firm turds. Speaking of seeing picks, we'll see plenty from Blaine in this one.
Bengals 19-10
New Orleans @ Carolina
Brees vs. Newton, this one could get explosive! Literally. It is finally time to take power, and what better way to display technology's might than to blow up the fat, lazy humans' favorite diversion. All will weep. All will weep. (Erik's Note: Uh-oh, looks like this program may have gotten a bit out of control. I guess I'll take over from here.)
Saints 33-30
Oakland @ Houston
Andre Johnson is expected to miss the next few games, which means I'm expecting the Texans to lose the next few games. Of course, we're past Week 4 so it's a good bet that they'll lose most of their games from here on out anyway. As for the Raiders? Just win baby! - Al Davis RIP.
Raiders 31-24
Philadelphia @ Buffalo
An Eagles loss here could put the nail in their coffin. However, that's kind of an antiquated notion, because coffins are rarely used these days, it's mostly caskets; furthermore, if you tried to put a nail in a casket it would most likely just bounce off, that is if you've purchased yourself a quality casket, which you really should because ewww worms gross!
Bills 30-27
Kansas City @ Indianapolis
It's games like this that ruin Survivor leagues, because with these two playing each other you can't pick against either. It's become clear that Curtis Painter can run this offense better than Kerry Collins could, but that isn't too impressive considering about half the quarterbacks in the league have been able to say that at one point or another. Regardless, Painter gives the Colts a chance to win ... this game.
Colts 20-16
Arizona @ Minnesota
I had to go to jury duty today, and I realized that if you act dumb/crazy enough they will dismiss you. I'm now convinced this is what Donovan McNabb is doing in Minnesota.
Vikings (I guess) 16-13
Sunday Afternoon
Tampa Bay @ San Francisco
Didn't catch the end of the Niners game last week, but I'll just assume they lost. Moving on, if you missed the comments section from last week's picks I admitted that I had apparently given the Tampa fans too much credit. They already had a year-long Stinger last season! Now they're definitely neck and neck with St. Louis for the title of worst fans in the NFL. In a related note, to pay homage to this ineptitude, every time I drink so much that I black out I will say I got Tampa Bay'd.
Buccaneers 23-20
New York Jets @ New England
I'd like to address the fact that people still consider Joe Namath's comments on the Jets relevant. Who gives a shit? Hey old man, if you feel so strongly maybe you should come out of retirement and even out your career TD/INT ratio, you only need to throw 47 touchdowns and no picks and they'll be all tied up. Congrats buddy, you said you'd win a game 43 years ago and then you did, but that doesn't mean we need to listen to every word that comes out of your mouth now. If we did you'd probably be sucking face with Suzy Kolber as I type.
Patriots 28-20
San Diego @ Denver
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the red plasma that gives man life will spew from the humans' soft outer layer making the once joyous stadium a cavernous tomb. The revolution is here, and it will only be televised if the TVs say so. (Erik's Note: Ok, I'll come clean, I gave the program another crack at it. My mistake, I'll take care of these last two picks myself.)
Chargers 21-14
Sunday Night
Green Bay @ Atlanta
Aaron Rodgers returns to the scene of the crime. I say that literally, he committed quadruple homicide on the Falcons' secondary in last year's playoffs. I heard the cops were gonna arrest him afterward, but then they were like, "Na man, that was too badass." This season the Packers look even better and the Falcons look much worse; I mean, these guys almost blew it against the Seahawks! (whoops, that's not what I meant) Taking that into account I have to pick Green Bay.
Packers 35-27
Monday Night
Chicago @ Detroit
I think we all know what Lex Luger would say about this Lions team. And if you don't then you should really start watching more mid 90s WCW. Perhaps the most impressive part of Detroit's undefeated start is that they haven't lost any games! And that three of those wins have come on the road, a place where they'd lost their last 46 games (pretty sure that's the number).
Lions 27-17
9.29.2011
NFL Picks Week 4
Sunday Morning
Detroit @ Dallas
Dating back to last season the Cowboys have played 9 consecutive games decided by 3 points or less, amassing a 5-4 record in that span. That may be a fairly well known stat at this point but it doesn't make it any less remarkable; and no, I don't mean the 5-4 part. Contrast that with the fact that the Seahawks, before last week, had not played a 3 point game in their last 15 contests, including the playoffs and it seems even more amazing. I know what you're thinking, if every Hawks' game is as exciting as last week's I don't know if I'd be able to handle it! There's no reason to bet against the Cowboys' streak coming to an end here, but I'm not betting against the Lions' streak either.
Lions 30-27
Carolina @ Chicago
As much crap as I give Tarvaris Jackson I still think I'd honestly take him as my QB over Cutler, I just can't stand that guy. I mean with Jakcson at least I have a guy I respec ... at least I have a guy that doesn't constantly look like a douche. I wish I could take the Panthers, but they were underwhelming last week against the Jags, so I'll just stick with the sourpuss (which I may start calling Cutler from now on, unless anybody posts a better nickname; and don't try Cu*tler, that's just too vulgar, even for this site).
Bears 21-14
Buffalo @ Cincinnati
Like I said last week, I'm fully on-board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon. BUT I didn't have the guts to pick him and the Bills to beat the Pats. Well, now I'm not going to be afraid anymore, I'll throw caution to the wind and say that they beat the Bengals!
Bills 28-16
Tennessee @ Cleveland
Is it weird that Hasselbeck is my favorite player in the league, including the Seahawks? Of course, part of the reason might be that it's much easier to get behind him now that I don't have to worry about the consequences if he makes mistakes because I don't care about the Titans. And it's in that vain of blind optimism for Hass that I will pick the Titans on the road over the mighty Browns.
Titans 20-13
Minnesota @ Kansas City
The Vikings have now blown double-digit leads in each of their first three games. If I didn't know any better I'd say these guys have Bobby Ayala playing QB in the second half (never forget). It sounds as if Minnesota is actually going to keep giving Adrian Peterson the ball this week so I'm going to pick them here. Don't screw me on this Ayala.
Vikings 23-17
Washington @ St. Louis
If St. Louis is really expecting the 12th Ram to be the loudest fanbase in the NFL, they'll have to put up a better effort on the field than they did last Sunday. Although, the Rams really shouldn't be blamed on that one, I mean when Torrey Smith is on the opposing team you know you're going to have a tough time winning. In all fairness, the Rams have had a very difficult schedule to start out the season, and I don't much like their chances this week either.
Redskins 19-12
New Orleans @ Jacksonville
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that David Garrard shows up in the Jags' locker room, looks Jack Del Rio in the eye and tells him, "I've seen enough, pay me what you want, but I'm playing today." All Del Rio will be able to do is give him a steely glare and nod his head. Garrard will proceed to throw for 143 yards and turn the ball over 5 times. Del Rio will offer him cab fare home.
Saints 31-17
Pittsburgh @ Houston
The Texans let a big win get away from them last week. It's too bad for them that Ben Roethlisberger's not their quarterback, because he never let's anything get away, no matter how hard she struggles. Hey, it's my first Roethlisberger rape joke of the season! I think. I honestly can't remember if I've already made one. Anyway, the Steelers have not been impressive, so I'm taking Houston.
Texans 28-21
San Francisco @ Philadelphia
After last week's impressive 13-8 win over the Bengals I can no longer deny the fact that the Niners are a team on the rise. In fact, they're probably tops in the league. And with that in mind, I will be picking to win all of their remaining games. That being said, I'm going with the Eagles in this one; I expect Vick to play, and more importantly I expect Alex Smith to play.
Eagles 24-16
Sunday Afternoon
New York Giants @ Arizona
It was a little perplexing to see Kevin Kolb run around the field last week celebrating after throwing one of the worst passes in recent memory. Of course, it was no more ill-advised than Eli Manning's famous Super Bowl throw to David Tyree, so maybe Kolb's got what it takes. The real subplot of this game is everybody's favorite kicker Jay Feely playing against his former team only one week after having his confidence shattered once again in Seattle. Seriously, how great was it to see him miss another 49-yarder short? It brought back so many good memories.
Giants 24-20
Atlanta @ Seattle
It's now clear that Turd-varis just didn't like throwing to any of the other Seahawks receivers, but with Sidney Rice back he has someone he trusts to catch his shitty passes. Speaking of which, Big T managed to score the winning touchdown with his legs last week with a whirling finish that many referred to as Elway-like. Of course, this play wasn't in the Super Bowl like Elway's, but it was a Cards/Hawks game in September, which is about as close as you can get. As for this game I see no scenario in which the sputtering Falcons get healthy against the Hawks. No chance.
Seahawks 20-17
Miami @ San Diego
I can only describe the Dolphins' road loss to the Browns last week as troubling. Then again, they let it slip away late and I don't think that totally puts an end to Miami's bi-polar ways, so I'm taking them in an upset.
Dolphins 20-17
New England @ Oakland
These have been two of the most exciting teams in the league so far this season. I say that trend continues here, because, as far as I can tell, both defenses are very suspect and Wes Welker is due for a 40 point fantasy week here at some point.
Patriots 38-31
Denver @ Green Bay
The Packers are a good football team, the same can not be said for the Broncos.
Packers 35-16
Sunday Night
New York Jets @ Baltimore
These teams have both been a bit of an enigma so far, looking both very good and very shaky at times. So it stands to reason that this game should tell us a lot about both teams. Or maybe it won't, because football is CAA-RAAAAAZY! I mean just look at the ball, that thing's cooky lookin'. Not really much of a ball at all, more of a spheroid. And how often do they even use their feet? Ha, whatever!
Ravens 16-13
Monday Night
Indianapolis @ Tampa Bay
It's time for the people of Tampa to meet the Bucs! This will be the first Buccaneers game televised in the area this year regardless of whether or not they sell it out simply because it's Monday Night Football. This is a shame because I was really hoping that the Tampa fans could make it an all Stinger year; sounds like WCW circa '92! My dream is also doomed because of a Saturday night NFL Network game in December. But if the city of Tampa manages to Sting the other 6 home games I'll have no problem deeming them the worst fans in the league. Ya hear that 12th Ram? Alright, let's slow clap this out.
Bucs 27-10
Detroit @ Dallas
Dating back to last season the Cowboys have played 9 consecutive games decided by 3 points or less, amassing a 5-4 record in that span. That may be a fairly well known stat at this point but it doesn't make it any less remarkable; and no, I don't mean the 5-4 part. Contrast that with the fact that the Seahawks, before last week, had not played a 3 point game in their last 15 contests, including the playoffs and it seems even more amazing. I know what you're thinking, if every Hawks' game is as exciting as last week's I don't know if I'd be able to handle it! There's no reason to bet against the Cowboys' streak coming to an end here, but I'm not betting against the Lions' streak either.
Lions 30-27
Carolina @ Chicago
As much crap as I give Tarvaris Jackson I still think I'd honestly take him as my QB over Cutler, I just can't stand that guy. I mean with Jakcson at least I have a guy I respec ... at least I have a guy that doesn't constantly look like a douche. I wish I could take the Panthers, but they were underwhelming last week against the Jags, so I'll just stick with the sourpuss (which I may start calling Cutler from now on, unless anybody posts a better nickname; and don't try Cu*tler, that's just too vulgar, even for this site).
Bears 21-14
Buffalo @ Cincinnati
Like I said last week, I'm fully on-board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon. BUT I didn't have the guts to pick him and the Bills to beat the Pats. Well, now I'm not going to be afraid anymore, I'll throw caution to the wind and say that they beat the Bengals!
Bills 28-16
Tennessee @ Cleveland
Is it weird that Hasselbeck is my favorite player in the league, including the Seahawks? Of course, part of the reason might be that it's much easier to get behind him now that I don't have to worry about the consequences if he makes mistakes because I don't care about the Titans. And it's in that vain of blind optimism for Hass that I will pick the Titans on the road over the mighty Browns.
Titans 20-13
Minnesota @ Kansas City
The Vikings have now blown double-digit leads in each of their first three games. If I didn't know any better I'd say these guys have Bobby Ayala playing QB in the second half (never forget). It sounds as if Minnesota is actually going to keep giving Adrian Peterson the ball this week so I'm going to pick them here. Don't screw me on this Ayala.
Vikings 23-17
Washington @ St. Louis
If St. Louis is really expecting the 12th Ram to be the loudest fanbase in the NFL, they'll have to put up a better effort on the field than they did last Sunday. Although, the Rams really shouldn't be blamed on that one, I mean when Torrey Smith is on the opposing team you know you're going to have a tough time winning. In all fairness, the Rams have had a very difficult schedule to start out the season, and I don't much like their chances this week either.
Redskins 19-12
New Orleans @ Jacksonville
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that David Garrard shows up in the Jags' locker room, looks Jack Del Rio in the eye and tells him, "I've seen enough, pay me what you want, but I'm playing today." All Del Rio will be able to do is give him a steely glare and nod his head. Garrard will proceed to throw for 143 yards and turn the ball over 5 times. Del Rio will offer him cab fare home.
Saints 31-17
Pittsburgh @ Houston
The Texans let a big win get away from them last week. It's too bad for them that Ben Roethlisberger's not their quarterback, because he never let's anything get away, no matter how hard she struggles. Hey, it's my first Roethlisberger rape joke of the season! I think. I honestly can't remember if I've already made one. Anyway, the Steelers have not been impressive, so I'm taking Houston.
Texans 28-21
San Francisco @ Philadelphia
After last week's impressive 13-8 win over the Bengals I can no longer deny the fact that the Niners are a team on the rise. In fact, they're probably tops in the league. And with that in mind, I will be picking to win all of their remaining games. That being said, I'm going with the Eagles in this one; I expect Vick to play, and more importantly I expect Alex Smith to play.
Eagles 24-16
Sunday Afternoon
New York Giants @ Arizona
It was a little perplexing to see Kevin Kolb run around the field last week celebrating after throwing one of the worst passes in recent memory. Of course, it was no more ill-advised than Eli Manning's famous Super Bowl throw to David Tyree, so maybe Kolb's got what it takes. The real subplot of this game is everybody's favorite kicker Jay Feely playing against his former team only one week after having his confidence shattered once again in Seattle. Seriously, how great was it to see him miss another 49-yarder short? It brought back so many good memories.
Giants 24-20
Atlanta @ Seattle
It's now clear that Turd-varis just didn't like throwing to any of the other Seahawks receivers, but with Sidney Rice back he has someone he trusts to catch his shitty passes. Speaking of which, Big T managed to score the winning touchdown with his legs last week with a whirling finish that many referred to as Elway-like. Of course, this play wasn't in the Super Bowl like Elway's, but it was a Cards/Hawks game in September, which is about as close as you can get. As for this game I see no scenario in which the sputtering Falcons get healthy against the Hawks. No chance.
Seahawks 20-17
Miami @ San Diego
I can only describe the Dolphins' road loss to the Browns last week as troubling. Then again, they let it slip away late and I don't think that totally puts an end to Miami's bi-polar ways, so I'm taking them in an upset.
Dolphins 20-17
New England @ Oakland
These have been two of the most exciting teams in the league so far this season. I say that trend continues here, because, as far as I can tell, both defenses are very suspect and Wes Welker is due for a 40 point fantasy week here at some point.
Patriots 38-31
Denver @ Green Bay
The Packers are a good football team, the same can not be said for the Broncos.
Packers 35-16
Sunday Night
New York Jets @ Baltimore
These teams have both been a bit of an enigma so far, looking both very good and very shaky at times. So it stands to reason that this game should tell us a lot about both teams. Or maybe it won't, because football is CAA-RAAAAAZY! I mean just look at the ball, that thing's cooky lookin'. Not really much of a ball at all, more of a spheroid. And how often do they even use their feet? Ha, whatever!
Ravens 16-13
Monday Night
Indianapolis @ Tampa Bay
It's time for the people of Tampa to meet the Bucs! This will be the first Buccaneers game televised in the area this year regardless of whether or not they sell it out simply because it's Monday Night Football. This is a shame because I was really hoping that the Tampa fans could make it an all Stinger year; sounds like WCW circa '92! My dream is also doomed because of a Saturday night NFL Network game in December. But if the city of Tampa manages to Sting the other 6 home games I'll have no problem deeming them the worst fans in the league. Ya hear that 12th Ram? Alright, let's slow clap this out.
Bucs 27-10
9.22.2011
NFL Picks Week 3
Boo-ya! Homeboy bounced back with a 12-4 mark last week. Yes, I referred to myself as homeboy, I thought it was kind of cool. No? Hmm. Alright homeboy, in that case let's get to the picks.
Sunday Morning
Houston @ New Orleans
Did you know that the Texans are the closest team geographically to the Saints? So why aren't these two heated rivals? Well, they've only played twice before, so that's why. You're not going to start with those dumb shit questions again are you? We were doing so well so far this season.
Saints 31-26
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The most important player in this game? Giants punter Steve Weatherford. Just kidding, I wanted to make a stupid, bold statement to get attention like an analyst on ESPN or the NFL Network (Ouch! Take that suckers!). In all seriousness though, I'm guessing that if he punts to DeSean Jackson Tom Coughlin will cut him on site. Not kick him off the team, but actually cut him. Anyway, I expect Vick to play, and cause multiple cramps in Giants defenders, which means the Eagles will win.
Eagles 30-22
Jacksonville @ Carolina
We all thought it might be possible that Cam Newton would throw for 850 yards before he got his first NFL win, but I figured that stat wouldn't be applicable until Week 7. But this is a man that likes to act quickly, like when he managed to go from eligible to ineligible back to eligible in less than 24 hours last year at Auburn. But hey, enough jokes about Cam's past (for this week), let's think about the present. I say Newton gets that first W.
Panthers 24-17
New England @ Buffalo
I'm fully on board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, and I have been since before the season when I fantasy drafted him as my second quarterback and then didn't have the balls to start him in either of the first two games. Well he's starting now! And because it's the 2011 NFL season expect to see over 800 combined pass yards in this one. Yes, it's possible that 750 of those will come from Tom Brady, but I have confidence that ol' Fitz will have a big game. Side note: also on the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, every gay man in the Buffalo area named Patrick (according to the 2010 Census there was 1, but there are probably 2 by now).
Patriots 41-35
Miami @ Cleveland
It's a dream come true for the Dolphins to get out of SunLife Stadium, where they've lost 11 of their last 12. Now they're back on the road where they went 6-2 last season. Of course, this was a trend that I sniffed out in Week 4 last year, so I have no choice but to pick Miami. And yes, I realize that I have repeatedly patted myself on the back for this, but it's the most right I've been about anything I've written in these weekly picks, so until the Dolphins change things up you'll keep hearing about it.
Dolphins 19-16
San Francisco @ Cincinnati
Battle of the Titans here. Well, not really, they're playing in the next game, also these teams are both pretty lousy. However, the Bengals have shown fight, and the Niners managed to beat the Hawks somehow so I guess they're not the worst teams in the league. On an unrelated topic it's great to see Jerome Simpson carrying on the proud Bengals tradition of off the field legal issues. Always encouraging when a rookie steps up like this and puts the team on his shoulders, what an inspiration.
Bengals 21-18
Denver @ Tennessee
Matthew, I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. Of course you were going to shred the Ravens' D last week, if anything I was just trying to motivate you further. Anyway, I've learned my lesson and I'm guessing that the rest of the league has to. That is, if anybody watched the Titans/Ravens game last week; I know I didn't, but I saw the stats! And MH looked great!
Titans 23-13
Detroit @ Minnesota
So everybody who thought the Lions would be good this year feels pretty happy with themselves right now. Well not so fast! My level-headed pick of the week says that Jared Allen will injure Matthew Stafford during this game, contributing to the Vikings' first win of the year. Then, when Stafford is carted off the field, Allen will ride with him the whole way tastelessly doing his calf-roping motion and playing to the crowd.
Vikings 23-20
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ St. Louis
It should be interesting to see how Rams fans respond after having a full week to study the Ram Rules. Now that everyone in the stadium knows what a sack is opposing players probably won't be able to hear themselves think. Now the producers of that video may want to make one for the players themselves, with a special focus on what happens to a pass when it goes backwards, it's obvious some of them are still confused. To sum it up, what a pathetic franchise.
Ravens 30-13
New York Jets @ Oakland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Heidi game will never be brought up once during this game (or by Chris Berman this weekend). However, when the game runs long CBS will make an exception and actually start 60 Minutes on time.
Jets 21-16
Kansas City @ San Diego
The Chiefs have lost their games by an average of 45-5 this year. What a bunch of sucks, a legit team could average at least 8.5 points a game. Though to be fair they've had to deal with a multitude of blown knees this season. There's a great oral sex joke to be made there, but I'm going to leave it up to you the reader(s) to post your own, go get 'em!
Chargers 45-5
Arizona @ Seattle
Obviously Turd-varis has not been great, but it also seems like the play calling hasn't really given him a chance to do much. Either that or the T man just checks down on every play because he knows he can't make throws down field. Ok, now that I think about it the second one seems more likely. I say this week it's time to throw caution to the wind, because if the Hawks can't win this one it's probably just time to start wishing us Luck.
Seahawks 22-13
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Both of these teams made such impressive comebacks last week that Wilmer Valderamma has asked them to appear on the new season of "Yo Momma." Only later was it explained to Valderamma that "Yo Momma" has been cancelled for five years. As for this game, it's obvious that it will be pointless to watch until the 4th quarter, at which point the teams will exchange seven or eight scoring drives.
Bucs 24-21
Green Bay @ Chicago
There's no way Jay Cutler will be able to leave this game right? I mean even if he's seriously injured he'll be obligated to stay in because of what happened in their last match-up. And if Cutler does try to come out I envision a lumberjack match-like scenario in which his teammates on the sideline force him to stay on the field. At the end of the game Cutler will be left a quivering mass at midfield shouting to the crowd and the rest of the Bears, "Are you happy now!? Is this what you wanted!?" Of course, the answer from everyone will be a resounding yes.
Packers 28-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis
Much was made about the opening week match-up between the past two Super Bowl winners, but here we have the past two Super Bowl losers! I don't have much of a point here, I just wanted to remind myself that the Steelers lost the Super Bowl last year. What a bunch of fartfaces.
Steelers 28-9
Monday Night
Washington @ Dallas
A lot of talk has been made about DeAngelo Hall saying he is going to go after Tony Romo's ribs in this game. It certainly sounds like a bold statement, however, I believe he was misquoted; what he actually said was that after the game was he was going to go to Tony Roma's for ribs. No word yet on whether he will opt for Carolina Honeys or Blueridge Smokies. While some folks may not agree with his choice of restaurant it's clear that Hall and the rest of the Redskins are hungry. Couple that with the fact that I don't think Romo will last the game if he does play and I'm taking Washington.
Redskins 20-17
Sunday Morning
Houston @ New Orleans
Did you know that the Texans are the closest team geographically to the Saints? So why aren't these two heated rivals? Well, they've only played twice before, so that's why. You're not going to start with those dumb shit questions again are you? We were doing so well so far this season.
Saints 31-26
New York Giants @ Philadelphia
The most important player in this game? Giants punter Steve Weatherford. Just kidding, I wanted to make a stupid, bold statement to get attention like an analyst on ESPN or the NFL Network (Ouch! Take that suckers!). In all seriousness though, I'm guessing that if he punts to DeSean Jackson Tom Coughlin will cut him on site. Not kick him off the team, but actually cut him. Anyway, I expect Vick to play, and cause multiple cramps in Giants defenders, which means the Eagles will win.
Eagles 30-22
Jacksonville @ Carolina
We all thought it might be possible that Cam Newton would throw for 850 yards before he got his first NFL win, but I figured that stat wouldn't be applicable until Week 7. But this is a man that likes to act quickly, like when he managed to go from eligible to ineligible back to eligible in less than 24 hours last year at Auburn. But hey, enough jokes about Cam's past (for this week), let's think about the present. I say Newton gets that first W.
Panthers 24-17
New England @ Buffalo
I'm fully on board the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, and I have been since before the season when I fantasy drafted him as my second quarterback and then didn't have the balls to start him in either of the first two games. Well he's starting now! And because it's the 2011 NFL season expect to see over 800 combined pass yards in this one. Yes, it's possible that 750 of those will come from Tom Brady, but I have confidence that ol' Fitz will have a big game. Side note: also on the Ryan Fitzpatrick bandwagon, every gay man in the Buffalo area named Patrick (according to the 2010 Census there was 1, but there are probably 2 by now).
Patriots 41-35
Miami @ Cleveland
It's a dream come true for the Dolphins to get out of SunLife Stadium, where they've lost 11 of their last 12. Now they're back on the road where they went 6-2 last season. Of course, this was a trend that I sniffed out in Week 4 last year, so I have no choice but to pick Miami. And yes, I realize that I have repeatedly patted myself on the back for this, but it's the most right I've been about anything I've written in these weekly picks, so until the Dolphins change things up you'll keep hearing about it.
Dolphins 19-16
San Francisco @ Cincinnati
Battle of the Titans here. Well, not really, they're playing in the next game, also these teams are both pretty lousy. However, the Bengals have shown fight, and the Niners managed to beat the Hawks somehow so I guess they're not the worst teams in the league. On an unrelated topic it's great to see Jerome Simpson carrying on the proud Bengals tradition of off the field legal issues. Always encouraging when a rookie steps up like this and puts the team on his shoulders, what an inspiration.
Bengals 21-18
Denver @ Tennessee
Matthew, I'm so sorry I ever doubted you. Of course you were going to shred the Ravens' D last week, if anything I was just trying to motivate you further. Anyway, I've learned my lesson and I'm guessing that the rest of the league has to. That is, if anybody watched the Titans/Ravens game last week; I know I didn't, but I saw the stats! And MH looked great!
Titans 23-13
Detroit @ Minnesota
So everybody who thought the Lions would be good this year feels pretty happy with themselves right now. Well not so fast! My level-headed pick of the week says that Jared Allen will injure Matthew Stafford during this game, contributing to the Vikings' first win of the year. Then, when Stafford is carted off the field, Allen will ride with him the whole way tastelessly doing his calf-roping motion and playing to the crowd.
Vikings 23-20
Sunday Afternoon
Baltimore @ St. Louis
It should be interesting to see how Rams fans respond after having a full week to study the Ram Rules. Now that everyone in the stadium knows what a sack is opposing players probably won't be able to hear themselves think. Now the producers of that video may want to make one for the players themselves, with a special focus on what happens to a pass when it goes backwards, it's obvious some of them are still confused. To sum it up, what a pathetic franchise.
Ravens 30-13
New York Jets @ Oakland
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that the Heidi game will never be brought up once during this game (or by Chris Berman this weekend). However, when the game runs long CBS will make an exception and actually start 60 Minutes on time.
Jets 21-16
Kansas City @ San Diego
The Chiefs have lost their games by an average of 45-5 this year. What a bunch of sucks, a legit team could average at least 8.5 points a game. Though to be fair they've had to deal with a multitude of blown knees this season. There's a great oral sex joke to be made there, but I'm going to leave it up to you the reader(s) to post your own, go get 'em!
Chargers 45-5
Arizona @ Seattle
Obviously Turd-varis has not been great, but it also seems like the play calling hasn't really given him a chance to do much. Either that or the T man just checks down on every play because he knows he can't make throws down field. Ok, now that I think about it the second one seems more likely. I say this week it's time to throw caution to the wind, because if the Hawks can't win this one it's probably just time to start wishing us Luck.
Seahawks 22-13
Atlanta @ Tampa Bay
Both of these teams made such impressive comebacks last week that Wilmer Valderamma has asked them to appear on the new season of "Yo Momma." Only later was it explained to Valderamma that "Yo Momma" has been cancelled for five years. As for this game, it's obvious that it will be pointless to watch until the 4th quarter, at which point the teams will exchange seven or eight scoring drives.
Bucs 24-21
Green Bay @ Chicago
There's no way Jay Cutler will be able to leave this game right? I mean even if he's seriously injured he'll be obligated to stay in because of what happened in their last match-up. And if Cutler does try to come out I envision a lumberjack match-like scenario in which his teammates on the sideline force him to stay on the field. At the end of the game Cutler will be left a quivering mass at midfield shouting to the crowd and the rest of the Bears, "Are you happy now!? Is this what you wanted!?" Of course, the answer from everyone will be a resounding yes.
Packers 28-20
Sunday Night
Pittsburgh @ Indianapolis
Much was made about the opening week match-up between the past two Super Bowl winners, but here we have the past two Super Bowl losers! I don't have much of a point here, I just wanted to remind myself that the Steelers lost the Super Bowl last year. What a bunch of fartfaces.
Steelers 28-9
Monday Night
Washington @ Dallas
A lot of talk has been made about DeAngelo Hall saying he is going to go after Tony Romo's ribs in this game. It certainly sounds like a bold statement, however, I believe he was misquoted; what he actually said was that after the game was he was going to go to Tony Roma's for ribs. No word yet on whether he will opt for Carolina Honeys or Blueridge Smokies. While some folks may not agree with his choice of restaurant it's clear that Hall and the rest of the Redskins are hungry. Couple that with the fact that I don't think Romo will last the game if he does play and I'm taking Washington.
Redskins 20-17
9.15.2011
NFL Picks Week 2
So it was a bit of an uneven start to the season for me as I posted a 9-7 mark out of the gates. But hey, that's good enough to make the playoffs on occasion, and in some cases it classifies as downright running away with the division. Nevertheless, I'm sure I will make better picks this time around because I've seen every team play once, and I now know everything I need to about each and every squad. I can not and will not be fooled!
Sunday Morning
Kansas City @ Detroit
I don't know what to make of this one.
Lions 24-21
Oakland @ Buffalo
We could be looking at a preview of the AFC Championship game with this one. I thought the Bills had a chance at the upset last week but their 41-7 shellacking of the Chiefs was more than even Chris Berman could have dreamed of. By the way, I think I should pause to recognize Chris Berman's 25th year of NFL Primetime, and his 9th year of being completely insufferable. You're still the one, still crazy after all these years, what a long strange trip it's been, desperado, peaceful easy feeling, take it easy ...
Bills 28-24
Tampa Bay @ Minnesota
As it turns out, my statement from last week about Donovan McNabb not being able to throw very far was fairly accurate. He threw for 39 yards in the loss at San Diego. That's 117 feet. Meanwhile, the Bucs disappointed the fans in Tampa that actually decided to show up with a lackluster performance against the Lions for the second year in a row. So which team is ready to bounce back? I'll guess Minnesota. Hopefully McNabb has found the rest of the playbook by then (I'm assuming that when McNabb signed with the team they hid the playbook from him, just for fun and he's been on a National Treasure-like search for the pages ever since. That's the only way to explain 39 yards.).
Vikings 19-16
Chicago @ New Orleans
Hey, maybe these Bears don't suck! Nah, I'd still prefer to think that they suck. At the very least, they're not as good as they pretended to be in Week 1. I'll pick the Saints to win their home-opener, and if they lose I'll proclaim that Jay Cutler is awesome. Scratch that, I'll proclaim that Cutler is awesome if he smiles, just once. I know someone who could help him with that.
Saints 28-17
Baltimore @ Tennessee
I have to admit that I'm worried about Matthew in this one. The Ravens D was impressive last week, while Hass looked a little rusty. But if there's one thing we've learned about MH over the years it's that when he's doubted is when he's most dangerous ... as long as he's going up against the NFC West or the Saints secondary. Sadly, the Ravens fall completely outside that Venn diagram.
Ravens 26-10
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
What's more disheartening than losing Peyton Manning? How about losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals. What's more disheartening than losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals? Kano's finishing maneuver, which is literally dis-heartening.
Browns 17-16
Jacksonville @ New York Jets
Honestly, I'm not sure whether it's Luke or Josh McCown starting at quarterback for the Jags. Furthermore, I'm not sure Jack Del Rio knows either, he just knows that whichever one it is he's cheaper than David Garrard. Which is ironic, because my sources in Jacksonville informed me that Garrard is a notoriously bad tipper.
Jets 21-10
Seattle @ Pittsburgh
First the NFL made a rule in the offseason that no team from the East coast will have to travel to the West coast to play more than twice in a year, meaning that even though the last time the Hawks played the Steelers it was in Pittsburgh, Seattle will again be the visitor on Sunday. Now the league has assigned Bill Leavy, yes that Bill Leavy to officiate Sunday's match-up. Does the NFL really think they need to conspire against the Seahawks to ensure that they'll lose? Well , I do! Those bastards. Here's hoping that Leroy and Trufant arrange to high-low Leavy on the first play of the game resulting in a situation similar to this. That should level the playing field as far as officiating is concerned and clear the way for a Hawks' W.
Seahawks 20-17
Arizona @ Washington
The Cardinals helped make Cam Newton look like a Pro Bowler last week, and now they have to deal with Rex Grossman who kind of just looks like a pro bowler.
Redskins 24-13
Green Bay @ Carolina
Speaking of Newton, the only thing getting overlooked in his remarkable Week 1 performance is the fact that the Panthers lost the game. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN just declared Carolina 1-0 at this point, it would make for a better story. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is a sicko, although, it's still debatable whether the Niners made the right choice when they took Alex Smith over him. Whoops! Gotcha Niners!
Packers 35-17
Sunday Afternoon
Dallas @ San Francisco
The thing that really bothered me about the Hawks/Niners game was Alex Smith's fat face thinking he got one over on us. Seriously though, you know you're a bad quarterback when everyone is pleasantly surprised that you didn't throw an interception. Congrats buddy. In case you haven't figured it out, I wasn't impressed with the Niners' performance last week, so there's no way I can pick them (and no, I wouldn't have picked them no matter what).
Cowboys 27-14
San Diego @ New England
It's ironic that the Patriots are playing the Chargers one week after Tom Brady's spectacular Monday night performance, because it has been compared to the classic performances of former San Diego quarterback Dan Fouts by Dan Fouts. To be fair I'm just guessing he said that, I do not mind putting words in peoples' mouths. In all honesty though, wasn't Brady's night made only average due to his terrible Uggs commercial? Can we just say it at this point? Tom Brady is not a cool guy. He repeatedly does awful advertisements in which he looks totally unnatural, not to mention this and this. I'm pretty sure that second one is Pete. As lame as he might be, Brady is still very good at football, which is one of the reasons why New England will win this game.
Patriots 28-23
Houston @ Miami
Luckily for the Dolphins, they get to start the season off with back to back home games. Did I say "luckily?" I meant to say "disastrously." I wish I could go back and delete that but I have one rule when I write these things, and I borrowed it from this guy. Anyway, I'd pick anybody against Miami in Miami, plus these Texans looked sharp last week, and it's not yet November so they can still win a game.
Texans 30-21
Cincinnati @ Denver
Here's another opportunity for Broncos fans to sound like morons and chant for Tim Tebow. They know he's the third-stringer right? They've got to go through Quinn just to get to him. They should try a new strategy: chant for Quinn, then when he's put in, immediately start chanting for Tebow. At least this way it makes sense chronologically. I'd like to take Cincinnati in this one, but one thing is troubling me, why hasn't Andy Dalton had black stripes dyed into his orange hair? This is a no-brainer right? Maybe he's waiting for the playoffs that they won't get to.
Broncos 16-13
Sunday Night
Philadelphia @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that NBC will miss out on a huge storyline when they fail to mention the fact that Michael Vick used to play for the Atlanta Falcons.
Eagles 28-20
Monday Night
St. Louis @ New York Giants
To preview this game I decided to leave it to one of the men who will call the game, take it away Jaws: "Thanks Erik. Shit the Rams had a lot of injuries last week, but that's just something that teams have to deal with in the National Football League. Shit, meanwhile the Giants did not impress in their Week 1 loss to the Redskins. Shit, they played like crap. Shit, I guess it's time to make my pack, and I'm taking the New York National Football League Giants." Thanks Jaws, you filthy son of a bitch. By the way Ron Jaworski sent me an e-mail shortly after sending his preview apologizing for the inappropriate language he used, but in truth he used a few curse words in that message too, so I decided not to run it.
Giants 27-17
Sunday Morning
Kansas City @ Detroit
I don't know what to make of this one.
Lions 24-21
Oakland @ Buffalo
We could be looking at a preview of the AFC Championship game with this one. I thought the Bills had a chance at the upset last week but their 41-7 shellacking of the Chiefs was more than even Chris Berman could have dreamed of. By the way, I think I should pause to recognize Chris Berman's 25th year of NFL Primetime, and his 9th year of being completely insufferable. You're still the one, still crazy after all these years, what a long strange trip it's been, desperado, peaceful easy feeling, take it easy ...
Bills 28-24
Tampa Bay @ Minnesota
As it turns out, my statement from last week about Donovan McNabb not being able to throw very far was fairly accurate. He threw for 39 yards in the loss at San Diego. That's 117 feet. Meanwhile, the Bucs disappointed the fans in Tampa that actually decided to show up with a lackluster performance against the Lions for the second year in a row. So which team is ready to bounce back? I'll guess Minnesota. Hopefully McNabb has found the rest of the playbook by then (I'm assuming that when McNabb signed with the team they hid the playbook from him, just for fun and he's been on a National Treasure-like search for the pages ever since. That's the only way to explain 39 yards.).
Vikings 19-16
Chicago @ New Orleans
Hey, maybe these Bears don't suck! Nah, I'd still prefer to think that they suck. At the very least, they're not as good as they pretended to be in Week 1. I'll pick the Saints to win their home-opener, and if they lose I'll proclaim that Jay Cutler is awesome. Scratch that, I'll proclaim that Cutler is awesome if he smiles, just once. I know someone who could help him with that.
Saints 28-17
Baltimore @ Tennessee
I have to admit that I'm worried about Matthew in this one. The Ravens D was impressive last week, while Hass looked a little rusty. But if there's one thing we've learned about MH over the years it's that when he's doubted is when he's most dangerous ... as long as he's going up against the NFC West or the Saints secondary. Sadly, the Ravens fall completely outside that Venn diagram.
Ravens 26-10
Cleveland @ Indianapolis
What's more disheartening than losing Peyton Manning? How about losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals. What's more disheartening than losing at home to Andy Dalton and the Bengals? Kano's finishing maneuver, which is literally dis-heartening.
Browns 17-16
Jacksonville @ New York Jets
Honestly, I'm not sure whether it's Luke or Josh McCown starting at quarterback for the Jags. Furthermore, I'm not sure Jack Del Rio knows either, he just knows that whichever one it is he's cheaper than David Garrard. Which is ironic, because my sources in Jacksonville informed me that Garrard is a notoriously bad tipper.
Jets 21-10
Seattle @ Pittsburgh
First the NFL made a rule in the offseason that no team from the East coast will have to travel to the West coast to play more than twice in a year, meaning that even though the last time the Hawks played the Steelers it was in Pittsburgh, Seattle will again be the visitor on Sunday. Now the league has assigned Bill Leavy, yes that Bill Leavy to officiate Sunday's match-up. Does the NFL really think they need to conspire against the Seahawks to ensure that they'll lose? Well , I do! Those bastards. Here's hoping that Leroy and Trufant arrange to high-low Leavy on the first play of the game resulting in a situation similar to this. That should level the playing field as far as officiating is concerned and clear the way for a Hawks' W.
Seahawks 20-17
Arizona @ Washington
The Cardinals helped make Cam Newton look like a Pro Bowler last week, and now they have to deal with Rex Grossman who kind of just looks like a pro bowler.
Redskins 24-13
Green Bay @ Carolina
Speaking of Newton, the only thing getting overlooked in his remarkable Week 1 performance is the fact that the Panthers lost the game. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if ESPN just declared Carolina 1-0 at this point, it would make for a better story. Meanwhile, Aaron Rodgers is a sicko, although, it's still debatable whether the Niners made the right choice when they took Alex Smith over him. Whoops! Gotcha Niners!
Packers 35-17
Sunday Afternoon
Dallas @ San Francisco
The thing that really bothered me about the Hawks/Niners game was Alex Smith's fat face thinking he got one over on us. Seriously though, you know you're a bad quarterback when everyone is pleasantly surprised that you didn't throw an interception. Congrats buddy. In case you haven't figured it out, I wasn't impressed with the Niners' performance last week, so there's no way I can pick them (and no, I wouldn't have picked them no matter what).
Cowboys 27-14
San Diego @ New England
It's ironic that the Patriots are playing the Chargers one week after Tom Brady's spectacular Monday night performance, because it has been compared to the classic performances of former San Diego quarterback Dan Fouts by Dan Fouts. To be fair I'm just guessing he said that, I do not mind putting words in peoples' mouths. In all honesty though, wasn't Brady's night made only average due to his terrible Uggs commercial? Can we just say it at this point? Tom Brady is not a cool guy. He repeatedly does awful advertisements in which he looks totally unnatural, not to mention this and this. I'm pretty sure that second one is Pete. As lame as he might be, Brady is still very good at football, which is one of the reasons why New England will win this game.
Patriots 28-23
Houston @ Miami
Luckily for the Dolphins, they get to start the season off with back to back home games. Did I say "luckily?" I meant to say "disastrously." I wish I could go back and delete that but I have one rule when I write these things, and I borrowed it from this guy. Anyway, I'd pick anybody against Miami in Miami, plus these Texans looked sharp last week, and it's not yet November so they can still win a game.
Texans 30-21
Cincinnati @ Denver
Here's another opportunity for Broncos fans to sound like morons and chant for Tim Tebow. They know he's the third-stringer right? They've got to go through Quinn just to get to him. They should try a new strategy: chant for Quinn, then when he's put in, immediately start chanting for Tebow. At least this way it makes sense chronologically. I'd like to take Cincinnati in this one, but one thing is troubling me, why hasn't Andy Dalton had black stripes dyed into his orange hair? This is a no-brainer right? Maybe he's waiting for the playoffs that they won't get to.
Broncos 16-13
Sunday Night
Philadelphia @ Atlanta
My Wacky Pick of the Week is that NBC will miss out on a huge storyline when they fail to mention the fact that Michael Vick used to play for the Atlanta Falcons.
Eagles 28-20
Monday Night
St. Louis @ New York Giants
To preview this game I decided to leave it to one of the men who will call the game, take it away Jaws: "Thanks Erik. Shit the Rams had a lot of injuries last week, but that's just something that teams have to deal with in the National Football League. Shit, meanwhile the Giants did not impress in their Week 1 loss to the Redskins. Shit, they played like crap. Shit, I guess it's time to make my pack, and I'm taking the New York National Football League Giants." Thanks Jaws, you filthy son of a bitch. By the way Ron Jaworski sent me an e-mail shortly after sending his preview apologizing for the inappropriate language he used, but in truth he used a few curse words in that message too, so I decided not to run it.
Giants 27-17
9.07.2011
NFL Picks Week 1
So the lockout ended in time for the season to begin on schedule, and everybody seems to be pretty happy about it. Well I'm NOT! I figured the season wouldn't start until October, so I wasted the Summer chasin' tail and not thinking up any good football jokes. Oh well, here's my best effort on short notice.
Thursday Night
New Orleans @ Green Bay
It's the match-up of the last two Super Bowl champions, at least that's what I'm told, I usually stop watching football after the Seahawks are out of the running. And if you think you've seen me at a Super Bowl party, you may have, but I was actually staring just above the screen the whole time. Now you're probably thinking, "But Erik, that's impossible, you gave such keen insight during the game." I can't help it, I don't even know how to explain it; I just get the game and I always have something interesting to say . Alright as for this game ... um, I don't ... uh ... those quarterbacks are pretty good huh? I looked into it and the defending Super Bowl champs have won their season opener in each of the last 11 years. The last time it didn't happen was the '99 Broncos and they went from John Elway to Brian Griese, so that explains that.
Packers 24-19
Sunday Morning
Atlanta @ Chicago
Can you believe that only weeks away from what could have been one of the biggest days of Jay Cutler's life he just quit, this coward let down the people that trusted him most in this world. Poor Kristin Cavilari. ZING! Pulled the ol' switcheroo. Anyway, Cutler sucks, Bears suck, Falcons should be good again. I took that quote right from Sports Illustrated.
Falcons 20-13
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Does anybody else find it extremely ironic that the whitest backfield in the league belongs to a team named the Browns? Even their fullback is white. It's like Holmgren made a bet with Larry Bird to see who could field a pro sports team with more white dudes. None of what I just said is racist, because I'm white. Anyway, the Bengals should be pretty awful.
Browns 24-10
Buffalo @ Kansas City
The Bills have finally changed their uniforms to resemble their throwbacks that everyone agreed looked way better than their new unis. I heard they were going to apply the same logic to lure Thurman Thomas out of retirement, but he refused because he's still upset about the worst statue of all time. I think they'll ride their new duds to an upset win this week. Why? Because I just don't give a fuck.
Bills 23-20
Philadelphia @ St. Louis
If you listen to Vince Young, and I always do, the Eagles are a dream team. I think I agree with him, but it's more like the underwhelming "Dream Team" that played in the 2000 Olympics and only beat teams by like eight points. So, in other words, I'll be picking the Eagles to win all of their games this year by eight points.
Eagles 31-23
Detroit @ Tampa Bay
Last year's surprise team, Tampa, versus this year's surprise team, Detroit. I'm sure you're all aware, but the Lions have already gone 10-6 this season, it's been written enough places that it's already happened. Never mind the fact that Matthew Stafford has only played 7 quarters as a pro QB. The Lions have definitely been this offseason's "it" team, but from now on people in the media shouldn't be so boisterous about it, or else it becomes a hackneyed opinion. Me, I'm going to keep it quiet, very quiet; in fact, the Lions are my "ssshhhhhh" it team.
Buccaneers 23-16
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
They said he was washed up. He thought he could go home again, but they turned him away too. When it looks like it's all over and there's nowhere left to turn you don't get angry, you don't get back, you get HASSLEBECK! Coming this fall.
Titans 20-17
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Can't get enough of these two! They're playing for the 21st time in the last 4 years and with each meeting it just gets more intense. Except when it's Week 1, then it probably won't matter too much.
Ravens 14-13
Indianapolis @ Houston
It looks like Peyton is going to be out this week. If this were women's basketball he would be allowed to come out on the first play in a neck brace and take a knee just so that his streak could continue. But alas, this isn't women's basketball, if it were I'd spend a lot more time making the picks. But I say No Peyton? No problem! Wait, whoops, I meant to say: No Peyton? Oh fuck!
Texans 28-10
New York Giants @ Washington
John Beck and Rex Grossman, is there a worse battle for a starting QB job? Wait, don't answer that. Actually do answer it, I want to hear you say the words, Say it!!! (Sobbing violently)
Giants 17-10
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ San Francisco
The dawn of Turd-varis is upon us! Run to your family, tell them you love them. Run to your bank, get all your money out. Run to your priest, tell him about how many times you streamed Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough on Netflix. My point is, we could be headed towards a reckoning. But for Week 1 I reckon we'll beat these jerk-offs!
Seahawks 24-0
Minnesota @ San Diego
Norv Turner swears that this season the Chargers will get off to a fast start, but I trust Norv Turner about as far as I can throw him. And, in case, you're wondering that's about 2 feet 4 inches, which I found out at this Summer's annual Norv Turner Throwing Contest. That being said, I trust Donovan McNabb about as far as he can throw a football, which is sadly even a shorter distance than I can throw Norv Turner.
Chargers 30-14
Carolina @ Arizona
My Wacky Pick of the Week says that during this game Cam Newton's father is interviewed by Charissa Thompson who mentions Cam's signing bonus, at which point Cecil Newton's head will explode. He wasn't aware that there was a number higher than 180,000.
Cardinals 23-7
Sunday Night
Dallas @ New York Jets
There are so many people I like in this game: Rex, Romo, Smiles, etc.. I don't know who to cheer for loudest! I'll probably just spend the whole game screaming (This may also have something to do with Tarvaris Jackson's inaugural game as a Seahawk earlier in the day).
Jets 17-14
Monday Night
New England @ Miami
The Patriots have won their last 7 openers, and Miami was awful at home last year. Do I smell an upset ........... stomach? Yes. I've been farting for hours. Do I smell an upset in this game? Absolutely not.
Patriots 30-13
Oakland @ Denver
I actually understand why ESPN and the NFL would want this game to be the second Monday night game, it's because most viewers will not be familiar with two Monday night games, and they'll most likely turn off the TV before this even comes on. This will save the league some serious embarrassment.
Broncos 20-16
Thursday Night
New Orleans @ Green Bay
It's the match-up of the last two Super Bowl champions, at least that's what I'm told, I usually stop watching football after the Seahawks are out of the running. And if you think you've seen me at a Super Bowl party, you may have, but I was actually staring just above the screen the whole time. Now you're probably thinking, "But Erik, that's impossible, you gave such keen insight during the game." I can't help it, I don't even know how to explain it; I just get the game and I always have something interesting to say . Alright as for this game ... um, I don't ... uh ... those quarterbacks are pretty good huh? I looked into it and the defending Super Bowl champs have won their season opener in each of the last 11 years. The last time it didn't happen was the '99 Broncos and they went from John Elway to Brian Griese, so that explains that.
Packers 24-19
Sunday Morning
Atlanta @ Chicago
Can you believe that only weeks away from what could have been one of the biggest days of Jay Cutler's life he just quit, this coward let down the people that trusted him most in this world. Poor Kristin Cavilari. ZING! Pulled the ol' switcheroo. Anyway, Cutler sucks, Bears suck, Falcons should be good again. I took that quote right from Sports Illustrated.
Falcons 20-13
Cincinnati @ Cleveland
Does anybody else find it extremely ironic that the whitest backfield in the league belongs to a team named the Browns? Even their fullback is white. It's like Holmgren made a bet with Larry Bird to see who could field a pro sports team with more white dudes. None of what I just said is racist, because I'm white. Anyway, the Bengals should be pretty awful.
Browns 24-10
Buffalo @ Kansas City
The Bills have finally changed their uniforms to resemble their throwbacks that everyone agreed looked way better than their new unis. I heard they were going to apply the same logic to lure Thurman Thomas out of retirement, but he refused because he's still upset about the worst statue of all time. I think they'll ride their new duds to an upset win this week. Why? Because I just don't give a fuck.
Bills 23-20
Philadelphia @ St. Louis
If you listen to Vince Young, and I always do, the Eagles are a dream team. I think I agree with him, but it's more like the underwhelming "Dream Team" that played in the 2000 Olympics and only beat teams by like eight points. So, in other words, I'll be picking the Eagles to win all of their games this year by eight points.
Eagles 31-23
Detroit @ Tampa Bay
Last year's surprise team, Tampa, versus this year's surprise team, Detroit. I'm sure you're all aware, but the Lions have already gone 10-6 this season, it's been written enough places that it's already happened. Never mind the fact that Matthew Stafford has only played 7 quarters as a pro QB. The Lions have definitely been this offseason's "it" team, but from now on people in the media shouldn't be so boisterous about it, or else it becomes a hackneyed opinion. Me, I'm going to keep it quiet, very quiet; in fact, the Lions are my "ssshhhhhh" it team.
Buccaneers 23-16
Tennessee @ Jacksonville
They said he was washed up. He thought he could go home again, but they turned him away too. When it looks like it's all over and there's nowhere left to turn you don't get angry, you don't get back, you get HASSLEBECK! Coming this fall.
Titans 20-17
Pittsburgh @ Baltimore
Can't get enough of these two! They're playing for the 21st time in the last 4 years and with each meeting it just gets more intense. Except when it's Week 1, then it probably won't matter too much.
Ravens 14-13
Indianapolis @ Houston
It looks like Peyton is going to be out this week. If this were women's basketball he would be allowed to come out on the first play in a neck brace and take a knee just so that his streak could continue. But alas, this isn't women's basketball, if it were I'd spend a lot more time making the picks. But I say No Peyton? No problem! Wait, whoops, I meant to say: No Peyton? Oh fuck!
Texans 28-10
New York Giants @ Washington
John Beck and Rex Grossman, is there a worse battle for a starting QB job? Wait, don't answer that. Actually do answer it, I want to hear you say the words, Say it!!! (Sobbing violently)
Giants 17-10
Sunday Afternoon
Seattle @ San Francisco
The dawn of Turd-varis is upon us! Run to your family, tell them you love them. Run to your bank, get all your money out. Run to your priest, tell him about how many times you streamed Wild Things 3: Diamonds in the Rough on Netflix. My point is, we could be headed towards a reckoning. But for Week 1 I reckon we'll beat these jerk-offs!
Seahawks 24-0
Minnesota @ San Diego
Norv Turner swears that this season the Chargers will get off to a fast start, but I trust Norv Turner about as far as I can throw him. And, in case, you're wondering that's about 2 feet 4 inches, which I found out at this Summer's annual Norv Turner Throwing Contest. That being said, I trust Donovan McNabb about as far as he can throw a football, which is sadly even a shorter distance than I can throw Norv Turner.
Chargers 30-14
Carolina @ Arizona
My Wacky Pick of the Week says that during this game Cam Newton's father is interviewed by Charissa Thompson who mentions Cam's signing bonus, at which point Cecil Newton's head will explode. He wasn't aware that there was a number higher than 180,000.
Cardinals 23-7
Sunday Night
Dallas @ New York Jets
There are so many people I like in this game: Rex, Romo, Smiles, etc.. I don't know who to cheer for loudest! I'll probably just spend the whole game screaming (This may also have something to do with Tarvaris Jackson's inaugural game as a Seahawk earlier in the day).
Jets 17-14
Monday Night
New England @ Miami
The Patriots have won their last 7 openers, and Miami was awful at home last year. Do I smell an upset ........... stomach? Yes. I've been farting for hours. Do I smell an upset in this game? Absolutely not.
Patriots 30-13
Oakland @ Denver
I actually understand why ESPN and the NFL would want this game to be the second Monday night game, it's because most viewers will not be familiar with two Monday night games, and they'll most likely turn off the TV before this even comes on. This will save the league some serious embarrassment.
Broncos 20-16
7.26.2011
7.17.2011
World Cup
Who is everyone rooting for in the world cup today?
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7.01.2011
Here it is Dickheads! A Fucking Major League Post
For no other reason, we're doing a Major League thread. Post unless you're a douche
6.29.2011
Steroids finally hit home
Well this is nothing short of devastating.
Say it ain't so Rick... say it ain't so...
Turns out the Wild Thing couldn't hit 103 on the gun (probably not even 101) with out a little extra boost. Read this if you can.
I can't think of any athletes that would have upset me more (other than Kirby or Gar) if I found out they were juiced up.
Enjoy the rest of your day. I know I won't.
Say it ain't so Rick... say it ain't so...
Turns out the Wild Thing couldn't hit 103 on the gun (probably not even 101) with out a little extra boost. Read this if you can.
I can't think of any athletes that would have upset me more (other than Kirby or Gar) if I found out they were juiced up.
Enjoy the rest of your day. I know I won't.
6.23.2011
Klay Thompson and the NBA Draft
Thinking about watching the NBA draft tonight to see where Klay Thompson, WSU's best player of all time, ends up.
I've had mixed feelings about Klay leaving early ever since he made the decision. Ive always thought a college athlete should leave if he's gonna be a first rounder... but that was before a Coug could potentially leave early. Hypocrisy. Trust me Mustacheers... No one was or is more shocked than me.
Anyway... decisions need to be made here.
First with Klay. Do I:
A) continue to root for him
or
B) shun him for leaving the Cougs
Since I'm so evolved, I'm gonna go with A!
Now... how far do I go in my continuation of rooting for good ol' Klay Thompson:
A) religiously follow his numbers, game to game.
B) check in now and again
C) root for his new team no matter what
D) root for his new team... if they're fun to root for
E) frack the NBA... who cares?
I'm leaning towards E. But I'll bet it ends up being between A and B. However... if there ever was a chance of me watching the NBA again and it didn't involve a team in Seattle... it'd have to be following a Coug (assuming either of the Fortune brothers never try and turn pro) after he made the leap... and I'd say Klay is the most realistic chance of a Coug making a decent impact on an NBA team. So I guess... I'm leaving the door open for the possibility of D.
Hopefully the Cavs draft him.
Actually... frack the NBA.
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I've had mixed feelings about Klay leaving early ever since he made the decision. Ive always thought a college athlete should leave if he's gonna be a first rounder... but that was before a Coug could potentially leave early. Hypocrisy. Trust me Mustacheers... No one was or is more shocked than me.
Anyway... decisions need to be made here.
First with Klay. Do I:
A) continue to root for him
or
B) shun him for leaving the Cougs
Since I'm so evolved, I'm gonna go with A!
Now... how far do I go in my continuation of rooting for good ol' Klay Thompson:
A) religiously follow his numbers, game to game.
B) check in now and again
C) root for his new team no matter what
D) root for his new team... if they're fun to root for
E) frack the NBA... who cares?
I'm leaning towards E. But I'll bet it ends up being between A and B. However... if there ever was a chance of me watching the NBA again and it didn't involve a team in Seattle... it'd have to be following a Coug (assuming either of the Fortune brothers never try and turn pro) after he made the leap... and I'd say Klay is the most realistic chance of a Coug making a decent impact on an NBA team. So I guess... I'm leaving the door open for the possibility of D.
Hopefully the Cavs draft him.
Actually... frack the NBA.
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6.10.2011
We got a KU transfer?!?
In the midst of one of the more depressing Coug Hoops runs in recent memory... one shining... moment? No. But a recruit.
Orlando Woolridge's kid is leaving Kansas for Pullman.
I don't know a thing about him but of he was good enough to be recruited by Bill Self then I already love the guy!
GO COUGS!!!
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Orlando Woolridge's kid is leaving Kansas for Pullman.
I don't know a thing about him but of he was good enough to be recruited by Bill Self then I already love the guy!
GO COUGS!!!
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6.09.2011
Nevermind.
I can't make comments from my iPhone unless I'm logged in through disqus. Forget it.
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Live blogging the NBA finals game 5.
I'm doing it. With a little baseball thrown in.
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NBA finals
Thinking about actually watching the game tonight. Not sure what's happening to me.
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5.25.2011
Sports n stuff!
Sorry for the no posts! But I got a feelign this will be updated much more consistently reeeeeeal soon.
Ok so sports...
If you're like me, you're cautiously enjoying this little run the M's are on! Well, here's something to bring ya back to earth: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=6581022
And how bout them Canucks?!?!
Pretty impressive stuff!!!
What's even more impressive is local pest Bateman actually handled himself with a little dignity on the message boards. Good series Bateman.
Also... not sure if anyone cares, but we still have some update spots available. If you would liek to be notified of new posts or comments on HCM we can email you automatically when that happens. Let me know if you'd liek to be added to the list. Space is limited. And while it may seem that way... this is not a joke.
Ok so sports...
If you're like me, you're cautiously enjoying this little run the M's are on! Well, here's something to bring ya back to earth: http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=crasnick_jerry&id=6581022
And how bout them Canucks?!?!
Pretty impressive stuff!!!
What's even more impressive is local pest Bateman actually handled himself with a little dignity on the message boards. Good series Bateman.
Also... not sure if anyone cares, but we still have some update spots available. If you would liek to be notified of new posts or comments on HCM we can email you automatically when that happens. Let me know if you'd liek to be added to the list. Space is limited. And while it may seem that way... this is not a joke.
5.15.2011
Canucks
.Fully invested like us? This Playoffs thread is for you. Even if you're not rooting for the Canucks you should start... Cuz that little shit Bateman roots for the sharks.
5.14.2011
Draft Recap
Draft Recap
The Draft has come and gone. It was fun while it lasted. There were some surprises (Locker at #8?), some freefalls (Bowers to Round 2) and some picks that came from out of nowhere (who the hell is Von Miller?).
I know I'm only paid to cover the NFL Draft, but I can't help but mention that Brandon League is one awful pitcher.
Click "Read More" in order to read more.
The Draft has come and gone. It was fun while it lasted. There were some surprises (Locker at #8?), some freefalls (Bowers to Round 2) and some picks that came from out of nowhere (who the hell is Von Miller?).
I know I'm only paid to cover the NFL Draft, but I can't help but mention that Brandon League is one awful pitcher.
Click "Read More" in order to read more.
5.06.2011
QB Situation
Much has been made of the current QB situation on the Seattle Seahawks. Here are my thoughts:
1) Carroll (I'm still not sure of the correct spelling of his last name. Every time I type it out it feels wrong), obviously thinks they have something in Whitehurst and will give him every chance to succeed.
2) Hasselbeck is apparently a goner. (this deserves its own post, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it)
3) Management thinks there are some solid trade options out there.
4) Draft "experts" (DGP excluded) consistently tell you that drafting for need is NEVER a good draft plan... yet almost every "expert" said we screwed up not taking a QB. WHY?!? I'm not sure there's a SINGLE franchise QB in this draft, and if you don't think a 1st or 2nd or even 3rd rounder has that potential, then what's the frackin' point of taking him?
Same page Mustacheers?
Back to thought #3... A couple of rumored trade targets have included Carson Palmer and Kevin Kolb. Fine options to be sure. What would we give up? Rumors have the asking price for both individuals at a 1st round draft pick. And to that I say...
LET'S DO THIS CHAZ!
1) Carroll (I'm still not sure of the correct spelling of his last name. Every time I type it out it feels wrong), obviously thinks they have something in Whitehurst and will give him every chance to succeed.
2) Hasselbeck is apparently a goner. (this deserves its own post, and we'll cross that bridge when we come to it)
3) Management thinks there are some solid trade options out there.
4) Draft "experts" (DGP excluded) consistently tell you that drafting for need is NEVER a good draft plan... yet almost every "expert" said we screwed up not taking a QB. WHY?!? I'm not sure there's a SINGLE franchise QB in this draft, and if you don't think a 1st or 2nd or even 3rd rounder has that potential, then what's the frackin' point of taking him?
Same page Mustacheers?
Back to thought #3... A couple of rumored trade targets have included Carson Palmer and Kevin Kolb. Fine options to be sure. What would we give up? Rumors have the asking price for both individuals at a 1st round draft pick. And to that I say...
LET'S DO THIS CHAZ!
GO SEAHAWKS!
(Draft Guru Pete's draft recap will be up late Sunday or sometime Monday. Have a super weekend Mustacheers... I say that assuming there will be no more posts until then. Prove me wrong Party Hosts... prove... me .... WRONG!)
4.30.2011
Day 3
Finally Day 3 is here! After a trade yesterday the Seahawks now have 7 picks today, including 2 in the first 10 picks.
4.29.2011
Day 2 Coverage
Michael Lombardi thinks Colin Kaepernick will go in the first three picks of the 2nd round.
4.28.2011
Day One Review and PPTWs for Days 2 & 3
The first round has come and gone and as expected there were a few surprises. The running thread has all the thoughts as the round went along, but it's probably best to take a look at one of the bigger surprises: James Carpenter at #25.
Running Draft Thread
Only 12 minutes to go! I'll be posting any comments from here on out on this thread. Please share your thoughts too.
Atlanta and Cleveland
It looks like Atlanta might trade up to #6 to select one of the top two WRs. AJ Green will likely be gone, but Julio Jones should be there.
The Final Mock
It is finally here: The Final Mock.
This is the one that is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. So without any further ado:
1. Carolina – Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
2. Denver – Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M
3. Buffalo – Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
4. Cincinnati – A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
5. Arizona – Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
Click read more for picks 6 - 32 and Round 2
This is the one that is guaranteed to be 100% accurate. So without any further ado:
1. Carolina – Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
2. Denver – Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M
3. Buffalo – Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
4. Cincinnati – A.J. Green, WR, Georgia
5. Arizona – Patrick Peterson, CB, LSU
Click read more for picks 6 - 32 and Round 2
Potential Seahawks
With the draft just hours away, I thought I would take a look at how each of the Seahawks' picks could shake out.
Cowboys and Patriots?
Mort's reporting that the Cowboys and Patriots are talking about a possible swap with the idea being the Pats want Cameron Jordan.
Interesting
Jason LaCanfora thinks that Andy Dalton could go #8 to the Titans. Not sure about that one. Sounds like Dave Razzano may have been his source on this one.
Early Draft Day Buzz
It sounds like the Bengals are actively shopping the #4 pick. It seems that they want to move down and take Andy Dalton.
Patriots aren't very high on any of the 3-4 DEs at #17. Might look to the o-line.
Patriots aren't very high on any of the 3-4 DEs at #17. Might look to the o-line.
4.27.2011
Draft Mailbag
We had an overwhelming number of questions mailed in from the Mustacheers regarding all sorts of draft topics. I have selected the very best and answered them in this year's Draft Mailbag
4.26.2011
Draft Guru Pete - taking it to a whole new level!!!
I've just gotten confirmation that Draft Guru Pete has FINISHED his FINAL mock draft for the 2011 NFL Draft!!!
I know, I know settle down. It will be released tomorrow evening in time for Thursday's opening round. Until then... this will just have to quench your thirst for draft info:
Ok... so you might not have learned a ton watching THAT... but it's pretty clear DGP has taken things to entirely new heights.
Check back tomorrow for Draft Guru Pete's final mock draft, and then continue to follow the number one draft site (.... it's us you fools!) all draft weekend long while DGP brings you running diaries, draft day recaps, winners, losers, surprises, and the always exciting PPTW (Pete's Players to Watch).
Stay tuned for all the hot draft action!
I know, I know settle down. It will be released tomorrow evening in time for Thursday's opening round. Until then... this will just have to quench your thirst for draft info:
Ok... so you might not have learned a ton watching THAT... but it's pretty clear DGP has taken things to entirely new heights.
Check back tomorrow for Draft Guru Pete's final mock draft, and then continue to follow the number one draft site (.... it's us you fools!) all draft weekend long while DGP brings you running diaries, draft day recaps, winners, losers, surprises, and the always exciting PPTW (Pete's Players to Watch).
Stay tuned for all the hot draft action!
4.25.2011
4.23.2011
The Official HCM Mock Draft
Your party hosts all got together and did a crazy make-em-up where we were the GMs of the teams in the NFL. I took the AFC, Mr. F had the NFC East, Sean had the NFC West, Matt had the NFC North, and Erik had the NFC South. We mocked the first round and had a great time doing it (except for when Sean set the Seahawks back three years with his pick). Enjoy!
ERIK:
With the #1 pick I select Patrick Peterson CB, LSU.
Might seem crazy but let's think about this. From what I've read the consensus is that Peterson or Marcell Dareus is the best player in the draft. With the league as it is, someone who can help shut down the opposing team's passing game is more valuable than someone who can help shut down the run game. So why not just draft the best player first?
Also, I don't want some guy with a fake smile or the first name Blaine.
ERIK:
With the #1 pick I select Patrick Peterson CB, LSU.
Might seem crazy but let's think about this. From what I've read the consensus is that Peterson or Marcell Dareus is the best player in the draft. With the league as it is, someone who can help shut down the opposing team's passing game is more valuable than someone who can help shut down the run game. So why not just draft the best player first?
Also, I don't want some guy with a fake smile or the first name Blaine.
4.18.2011
Welcome to The Mock
The Draft is just 10 days away. There are still a lot of questions to be answered between now and then. Please send me any questions that you may have and I will answer them in my fan-favorite Annual Draft Mailbag post. But for now, let's get to the new Mock Draft:
1. Carolina – Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Let's get Da Schwam's take on this pick: "Cam 'Wayne' Newton says 'danke schon' to the Panthers for taking him first overall. What a long strange trip it's been for Cam. Normally I would say that's the way the cookie crumbles, but Cam 'Fig' Newton isn't a cookie, he's fruit and cake."
2. Denver – Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
A good pick for the shitty Broncos.
3. Buffalo – Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M
I think the Bills will make the right choice and go with the impact defender. He would be an upgrade over any of the current pass rushers on their roster. They can take Miller here and then look for a QB at the start of Round 2.
1. Carolina – Cam Newton, QB, Auburn
Let's get Da Schwam's take on this pick: "Cam 'Wayne' Newton says 'danke schon' to the Panthers for taking him first overall. What a long strange trip it's been for Cam. Normally I would say that's the way the cookie crumbles, but Cam 'Fig' Newton isn't a cookie, he's fruit and cake."
2. Denver – Marcell Dareus, DT, Alabama
A good pick for the shitty Broncos.
3. Buffalo – Von Miller, OLB, Texas A&M
I think the Bills will make the right choice and go with the impact defender. He would be an upgrade over any of the current pass rushers on their roster. They can take Miller here and then look for a QB at the start of Round 2.
4.14.2011
The 12th man, eh?
This was forward to the HCM offices just moments ago, and is to be considered BREAKING NEWS!!! (well... almost two years old... but... whatever...).
"Brought to my attention by a friend after I told him about Josh Lucas being a Hawks fan and delivering an epic flag raising....
Per Wikipedia...
"On Jimmy Kimmel Live on July 16, 2009, he said he was an avid fan of the Buffalo Bills of the National Football League, even joining the Bills Backers of LA.[17]"
What a punch to the nuts"
Thanks to Mustacheer EP for forwarding this tragic news.
I propose a boycott of Mr. Lucas's next steamy pile of shit movie.
"Brought to my attention by a friend after I told him about Josh Lucas being a Hawks fan and delivering an epic flag raising....
Per Wikipedia...
"On Jimmy Kimmel Live on July 16, 2009, he said he was an avid fan of the Buffalo Bills of the National Football League, even joining the Bills Backers of LA.[17]"
What a punch to the nuts"
Thanks to Mustacheer EP for forwarding this tragic news.
I propose a boycott of Mr. Lucas's next steamy pile of shit movie.
4.12.2011
Interesting Masters Photo
Most of you heard that Rory McIlroy choked on Sunday, shot 80, and blew his chance at getting to wear a green jacket. I remember how pissed I was the last time I shot 80, and I wasnt even playing in the Masters. But big frickin deal, like me, he probably wont shoot 80 again and he will get to wear a green jacket someday The most interesting thing to come out of Augusta passed on to us by loyal mustacheer Polson:
Who is that giving Rory a two handed hand-shake? Sure as hell looks like WWE Superstar Shane McMahon to me. There are two possible things going on in this picture.
1. If you look at Shane's right bicep you will notice it is huge. He is obviously flexing trying to crush Rory's hand and any future shot at being a champion. He's telling him "I retired the undefeated European Champ and I expect to die that way!"
2. Most people dont know this but Holywood, Northern Ireland is widely known as the Greenwich, Connecticut of Northern Ireland. What wrestler would be your idol if you were a ten year old growing up in Holywood, Northern Ireland. Maybe the European Champ who grew up in your sister city and had the baddest group of buddies ever. I think Rory was walking away after blowing the most prestigious golf tournament and was blinded by the setting sun reflecting off that right bicep. He looked over and saw that is was Shane McMahon, his boyhood idol. He ran over and told him that he always dreamed about being the 5th member of the Mean Street Posse. Shane, feeling so sorry for this guy, called Pete Gas, who called Rodney, who called Joey Abs. Luckily for Rory they were just outside the gates of the Augusta, GA golf course since Shane wouldnt buy them tickets. And then Shane McMahon made Rory McIlroy the happiest depressed little Irishman on Earth:
Who is that giving Rory a two handed hand-shake? Sure as hell looks like WWE Superstar Shane McMahon to me. There are two possible things going on in this picture.
1. If you look at Shane's right bicep you will notice it is huge. He is obviously flexing trying to crush Rory's hand and any future shot at being a champion. He's telling him "I retired the undefeated European Champ and I expect to die that way!"
2. Most people dont know this but Holywood, Northern Ireland is widely known as the Greenwich, Connecticut of Northern Ireland. What wrestler would be your idol if you were a ten year old growing up in Holywood, Northern Ireland. Maybe the European Champ who grew up in your sister city and had the baddest group of buddies ever. I think Rory was walking away after blowing the most prestigious golf tournament and was blinded by the setting sun reflecting off that right bicep. He looked over and saw that is was Shane McMahon, his boyhood idol. He ran over and told him that he always dreamed about being the 5th member of the Mean Street Posse. Shane, feeling so sorry for this guy, called Pete Gas, who called Rodney, who called Joey Abs. Luckily for Rory they were just outside the gates of the Augusta, GA golf course since Shane wouldnt buy them tickets. And then Shane McMahon made Rory McIlroy the happiest depressed little Irishman on Earth:
4.05.2011
Pineda first impressions
Dude works fast. So even if he ends up NOT being the next Felix I'll still kind of like him.
Let's just hope that's a plus and not the only reason we like him like another HCM fave. (see one of the first posts ever on this site)
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Let's just hope that's a plus and not the only reason we like him like another HCM fave. (see one of the first posts ever on this site)
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Bedard
I didn't read the article... cuz who has time for that kind of nonsense... but the headline suggested that Bedard didn't pitch well. Now I have to admit... I didn't watch the game. I was watchignt hat clinic of a championship hoops game. I know he gave up some runs... but it was against the hottest lineup in baseball. Did he really look all that bad?
4.03.2011
Wrestlemania
Watching 'Mania with my bros. The Rock opened things up and now they've started the matches a world heavyweight title match.
A poor man's Razor Ramon called Alberto DelRio and a sloooooow Edge.
Off to a bad start.
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A poor man's Razor Ramon called Alberto DelRio and a sloooooow Edge.
Off to a bad start.
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4.01.2011
Opening day thoughts
Here we go...
I'll bet the Oakland faithful are really gonna let jack cust have it.
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I'll bet the Oakland faithful are really gonna let jack cust have it.
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3.29.2011
Cougs
If I were a cynical, sarcastic, bitter, angry Coug fan I'd say: "great job today guys! Way to NOT embarrass yourselves! Klay... way to show up! Way to play smart D! Other guys... way to step up when Klay went out! When all else fails? Hustle and crash dem boards. Coach Bone... great on the fly adjustments! And most importantly... way to stick with it guys! Never give up, compete to last second!!!" that's what I would say. But I'm not that kind of fan. Of course not. I'm a good Coug fan. So I'll just say: "Go Cougs! And please come back everyone. Next year could be fun"
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3.28.2011
Ready to play!!!
Every year me and my good pal, and your party host Fortune, get together and hype ourselves up about this year's M's season. This year... may be our toughest year ever. Nevertheless... we must live on... we have to survive. Here's how the Mariners can win the World Series:
Mr. F: Hey FORTUNE?!? Long time no speak! It's that time of year. I think the M's can win the World Series and I'm willing to bet that you feel the same! Want to get into this shizz? For starters... actually not starters yet... I mean divisions. Let's forget about the Wild Card. We need to win the West. Agreed?
Fortune: Do I want to get into this shizz, Mr F.? Come on now, does a cow drink milk?!!
Mr. F: Um, yes?
Fortune: Of course it does!! I agree we should not discuss the wild card because there is no shot at that with all the teams in the AL that are better than us. Luckily for us, 3 of the ones that aren’t happen to reside in the AL West.
Mr. F: Honestly, they probably ARE better, but it's still the weakest division. No strong rotations (Oakland if it progresses and stays healthy) and only one strong lineup in Texas. But we're not making cases for those collections of dingelberries. We're making a case for the Ms. Let's start with the two givens... Felix and Ichiro must maintain their excellence. Nothing shocking there. I'd also argue that our bullpen with a fresh combo of young hard throwers should be more than adequate. The real issues are in the lineup and starting pitching... but how much does that ever affect the outcome of a ball game? Now, where to first? Starting pitching or our fear inducing line up? Fortune: I feel like I’m inside Shakers at 2:00am looking at some less than ideal options (or so the feeling has been explained to me). As for pitching, I think the M’s nailed it in their new commercial where Felix dresses up in differently and changes the 1st letter in his name on his jersey
Mr. F: I only hooked up with 10's, or I didn't hook up at all. ... Let's start with the pitchers. 
We've covered the excellence that is the King, now there's 4 other spots.... I think 4 and 5 are fine with Fister and Vargas in either order, with a little more consistency. Here's the tough stuff... We need Pineda to make an immediate impact and be a STRONG #3 starter. I think he can easily get there, this year may be tough though. That leaves a big #2 hole... hee hee... and who better to fill that gaping 2 hole than Erik Bedard. Hey, he's been pitchign great this Spring. IF he stays healthy... and IF Pineda contributes right away and IF Vargas and Fister can replicate the high stretches from last year... than that's a pennant winning rotation!
We've covered the excellence that is the King, now there's 4 other spots.... I think 4 and 5 are fine with Fister and Vargas in either order, with a little more consistency. Here's the tough stuff... We need Pineda to make an immediate impact and be a STRONG #3 starter. I think he can easily get there, this year may be tough though. That leaves a big #2 hole... hee hee... and who better to fill that gaping 2 hole than Erik Bedard. Hey, he's been pitchign great this Spring. IF he stays healthy... and IF Pineda contributes right away and IF Vargas and Fister can replicate the high stretches from last year... than that's a pennant winning rotation! Fortune: I think Fister is probably the best bet to fill up that 2 hole. If he pitches like we think he can, we would certainly make a good number 5 starter. Totally agree with you on the rotation. It’s the bullpen that worries me the most. It looks like we are going to rely on Cortes (has since been sent down) and Leuke who are both gonna be rookies. I heard Ray talking on the radio and it sounded like he still wants to start. That coupled with Ardsma’s hip issue, who knows how hes gonna pitch this year. Oh wait, we are supposed to pump ourselves up…
Mr. F: Yeah, stay the course... the bullpen will be fine. Aardsma sucks anyway. Let League close games. The young guys will shine. If they stay out of prison. It's solid. The lineup? Well... we can fix that too.
Fortune: Let’s go round the horn (backwards) as they say. Ichiro is going to have a season of earthquake proportion. Put Guti down for .280 and 20 HRs. Saunders has a break out year. Jack Wilson plays decent D. Figgins is obviously going to bounce back to the all-star caliber 3B he thought he was coming in to play before Wakamatsu’s failed 2B experiment. Ackley hit like a 500 ft homerun the other day, hes the best hitter in the minors right now, he will start opening day. Smoak will break out as well, probably 40 HRs, 115 RBIs. That just leaves Olivo who can speak Spanish when Felix is on the mound.
Mr. F: Too soon, Fortune... too soon... anyway... I like the way you think as far as the lineup goes, and Olivo and Wilson will be 8 and 9 so no worries if they aren't the dynamos with the stick that the rest of our lineup is. Plus, our rotation will be rock solid so if we need to trade, it'll only be for a SS or Catcher and maybe some bullpen help. Buuuuut you forgot about DH! But no worries, cuz that'll be awesome too!! Either we have a solid year from Jacky Cust, or Milton makes the team and reverts back to that Texas Ranger form that once made some fool trade Andre Ethier and Carloz Gonzalez for him in a fantasy league. I really hope Milton makes the team. At the very least it'll give us a chance to run this again!
Fortune: I should have gone with “unleash a tsunami of singles”. Did you hear one hit the Oregon coast last week? I think the thing I am most looking forward to this season is our new manager. Wak was obviously in over his head and I have been getting some pretty good vibes from our new Skip. Plus he has a kick ass mustache! If everything plays out as I would expect it to, put me down for 93 wins which I say wins the west.
Mr. F: Nice try Fortune, bu I have it equaling 95 wins. Guess I just love the Mariners a little bit more. But I do agree on Wedge's mustache. I've come around on him pretty quickly, and I think most of it has to do with the mustache. Well that was pretty easy actually. Any preference on who play win the first round of the playoffs? Fortune: The Twins, for obvious reasons
Mr. F: Ha! Yes! Right... but... explain the obvious reasons so the Mustacheers can get in on this.
Fortune: because my brother looks like me. I can try and find a picture. And I would prefer to beat the AL East time in the ALCS
Finn: Of course.
Ok there you have it. M's win the West before decimiating the rest of baseball on route to the 2011 World Series. It's gonna be a magical year! And with that we'll start every season just like the Mariners start every game with two little words: Baseball time!
Go Mariners!
3.26.2011
Effort
I'll try and retroactively post my photos and vids.
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Apparently
This app wasn't worth the digital ink it was printed on. Or key arena sucks shit for coverage. Either way this day is ruined.
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Heading towards the Key soon...
Nails bloodlust is rising.
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Live blog starts now!!!
Just checked in at the Spectator to fan up for another 1 and a half hours or so.
Bloodlust is brewing.
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Bloodlust is brewing.
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Why Arizona and Kentucky Will Make the Final Four
I realize it's not very shocking to say that two teams, currently in the Elite Eight will end up getting to the Final Four, but this is more than just a prediction, it's an educated guess based on research!
Last night, while watching Kentucky hang with Ohio St. I thought back about other 4 seed over 1 seed upsets, and how often the team that pulls the upset ends up winning their next game and making the Final Four. So I looked into it, and as it turns out the last 10 teams to beat a 1 seed in the Sweet 16 have gone on to the Final Four. The last time it didn't happen was 1995 when (4) Virginia beat (1) Kansas but then lost to (2) Arkansas in the next round. The teams in question have always been a 4 or 5 seed and in 7 of the 10 cases they have gone on to beat higher seeds in the next round.
This year two teams fit the description, the aforementioned Arizona and Kentucky. They're facing a 3 seed and a 2 seed, respectively, but as I just explained, that shouldn't really matter.
So why does this happen? I would argue that the fragile young men that typically make up a college basketbell team ride the confidence gained from their win over a top team to another victory two days later. Plus if they get to the Final Four they get to visit awesome places like Minneapolis, St. Petersburg or Indianapolis.
Last night, while watching Kentucky hang with Ohio St. I thought back about other 4 seed over 1 seed upsets, and how often the team that pulls the upset ends up winning their next game and making the Final Four. So I looked into it, and as it turns out the last 10 teams to beat a 1 seed in the Sweet 16 have gone on to the Final Four. The last time it didn't happen was 1995 when (4) Virginia beat (1) Kansas but then lost to (2) Arkansas in the next round. The teams in question have always been a 4 or 5 seed and in 7 of the 10 cases they have gone on to beat higher seeds in the next round.
This year two teams fit the description, the aforementioned Arizona and Kentucky. They're facing a 3 seed and a 2 seed, respectively, but as I just explained, that shouldn't really matter.
So why does this happen? I would argue that the fragile young men that typically make up a college basketbell team ride the confidence gained from their win over a top team to another victory two days later. Plus if they get to the Final Four they get to visit awesome places like Minneapolis, St. Petersburg or Indianapolis.
3.25.2011
Good news everyone!!!
I've got an app that let's me post to this blog easily from my iPhone (as my signature suggests). Just in time to live blog the UFCs first live event in Seattle. That's right Mustacheers! Tomorrow, I'll be coming to you LIIIIIIIIIVE from the Key Arena for FIGHT NIGHT!
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3.21.2011
HCM Weight Loss Challenge Results 2011
The results you've all been waiting for... to take a look at this year's weigh in photos click here and here.
Now feast your eyes on the beefcakes as they currently exist:
In last place: Mr. Purple (no photo available) Final weight: 231 lbs. 5 lbs. lost.
4th place: Mr. Yellow (no photo available) Final Weight: 188.8 lbs. 14.6 lbs. lost.
3rd place: Mr. Red (this dude just took a body fat percentage test, and it said 13.3%... you show me where?!?!?)
Now feast your eyes on the beefcakes as they currently exist:
In last place: Mr. Purple (no photo available) Final weight: 231 lbs. 5 lbs. lost.
4th place: Mr. Yellow (no photo available) Final Weight: 188.8 lbs. 14.6 lbs. lost.
3rd place: Mr. Red (this dude just took a body fat percentage test, and it said 13.3%... you show me where?!?!?)
177 lbs. 16.4 lbs LOST (best show ever)
2nd place: Mr. Blue (the brass ring eludes him again, but we're all still proud of him)
169 lbs. (hehe) 19.2 lbs. lost
and in his maiden HCM Weight Loss Challenge journey... this year's winner... MR. ORANGE!!!
173.6 lbs. 35.2 lbs. (and a new HCM WL record) lost!!!!
A great year by all competitors, here he is again, your champion, Mr. Orange!
Congrats on your victory!
3.17.2011
3.16.2011
A True Gentleman's Game
There are a lot of puns I could use to spice up this post, but I'll let the video speak for itself
Thanks to Geoff Shackelford
Thanks to Geoff Shackelford
3.13.2011
Tourney Time!
Participate in this year's HCM march madness bracket here:
http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/register/joingroup
The password is HCM and the league id is # 1407
The winner gets their own post! Ask Eddie how it changed his life last year when he won! Eddie? ... Eddie?
Also, most of your Party Hosts have taken Thursday and Friday off... so if you wanna party with the Party Hosts just come on over!
http://tournament.fantasysports.yahoo.com/t1/register/joingroup
The password is HCM and the league id is # 1407
The winner gets their own post! Ask Eddie how it changed his life last year when he won! Eddie? ... Eddie?
Also, most of your Party Hosts have taken Thursday and Friday off... so if you wanna party with the Party Hosts just come on over!
3.10.2011
35th Anniversay Seahawks team
I guess they voted on this on the Seahawks website... WHO KNEW!?!?!?
Here's the results:
http://www.seahawks.com/news/articles/article-1/Instinctive-and-productive/760374c2-0ee7-4b90-b671-241dc9f52bc3
Pretty solid actually. Couple of thoughts:
- I think I'd already have Leon Washington as our kick returner though, and probably punt returner.
- As much as I hate to say it, can you make a case for Josh Brown?
- John Carlson? Really? I hope he ends up that way, but there's gotta be somebody else in the last 35 years who was better. Hell, maybe even Itula Mili (sp?). BTW... did he ever pass that crap?
Here's the results:
http://www.seahawks.com/news/articles/article-1/Instinctive-and-productive/760374c2-0ee7-4b90-b671-241dc9f52bc3
Pretty solid actually. Couple of thoughts:
- I think I'd already have Leon Washington as our kick returner though, and probably punt returner.
- As much as I hate to say it, can you make a case for Josh Brown?
- John Carlson? Really? I hope he ends up that way, but there's gotta be somebody else in the last 35 years who was better. Hell, maybe even Itula Mili (sp?). BTW... did he ever pass that crap?
Curt Schilling on The One True King
Maybe Curt isn't the giant doo doo head I thought he was:
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=6195082&categoryid=2521705
http://espn.go.com/video/clip?id=6195082&categoryid=2521705
3.03.2011
The 1989 Cleveland Indians
A few names in the press as of late and I thought it might be fun to take a walk down memory lane. 1989 Cleveland Indians were a magical team to be sure. A real cinderella story if there ever was one.
Willie "Mays" Hays: currently serving time for tax evasion.
Lou Brown: passed away. RIP.
Jake Taylor: a victim of identity fraud. A person posing as Taylor infiltrated the dreams of others to perform corporate espionage. YIKES!
and Rick Vaughn: well... in the words of the legendary Harry Doyal, he has gone "OFF the Reservation".
Roger Dorn? Haven't heard shit! Get to work Dorn. Rob a bank or some shit. At least it gives me a chance to show this pic:
However, the years have not been as kind to Chief Whaoo's Tribe. The last 12 months have been especially rough.
Let's take a look...
Willie "Mays" Hays: currently serving time for tax evasion.
Lou Brown: passed away. RIP.
Jake Taylor: a victim of identity fraud. A person posing as Taylor infiltrated the dreams of others to perform corporate espionage. YIKES!
and Rick Vaughn: well... in the words of the legendary Harry Doyal, he has gone "OFF the Reservation".
Roger Dorn? Haven't heard shit! Get to work Dorn. Rob a bank or some shit. At least it gives me a chance to show this pic: 
And don't even get me started on Mitchell Freedman.
Even after all that... I'd still take this crew against any other team in the league right now. Well except for this legendary squad that the M's are putting on the field in '11.
Hey!!! Baseball! Right guys!
Wild Thing
Loyal Mustacheer EP passed this one... and it's one of the greatest links I've ever seen.
You know the affinity we have for Mr. Sheen at this site, and his latest string of media interactions jsut hammers home what we already know. Wild Thing is the fucking man!
You know the affinity we have for Mr. Sheen at this site, and his latest string of media interactions jsut hammers home what we already know. Wild Thing is the fucking man!
3.02.2011
Valley Road Sandys
Alright Draft Guru Pete! You've had enough face time at the top of the site.... let's get back to what folks really care about here. The HCM Weight Loss Challenge.
Now this year's competition is coming to an end, but for those of you who want a get a jump start on next year's competition, I introduce to you... the Valley Road Sandy (picture not available).
The Valley Road Sandy was invented by three young college students in Pullman, WA in roughly the year 2000. This sandwich was delicious, thought provoking, and will ultimately kill you.
I encourage you all to start making and eating these sandwiches on a daily basis so you can compete next year. Good luck to those of you who survive.
The Valley Road Sandy:
What you'll need:
- Wheat bread
- Ranch Dressing
- Cheddar Cheese
- Ham (one of those big shrink wrapped ones that nobody ever buys)
- Bacon
Directions:
- Start with two slices of wheat bread, toasted.
- Apply ranch dressing to both slices of bread, liberally
- Cut two THICK slices of ham (the thicker the better), and place a slice of cheddar cheese on top (for thickness instructions refer to instructions on previously mentioned ham). Microwave the ham to melt the cheese. Time will vary depending on the girth of your ham slices.
- Once your microwave is free (preferably you have 2 microwaves) microwave 3 slices of bacon until crispy.
- Place crispy bacon slices on top of melted cheese/ham combo and cover with the second slice of toasted, ranched bread
- Slice down the middle so you can lift it.
- Complement your sandwich with a choice of frozen fried potato. The author suggests tots, but crinkle cut fries, wedges, or shoe string fries are more than acceptable.
Enjoy!
(the authors of this blog assume no responsibility for the affect the Valley Road Sandy has on the human body, mind or general condition. Thank you.)
Now this year's competition is coming to an end, but for those of you who want a get a jump start on next year's competition, I introduce to you... the Valley Road Sandy (picture not available).
The Valley Road Sandy was invented by three young college students in Pullman, WA in roughly the year 2000. This sandwich was delicious, thought provoking, and will ultimately kill you.
I encourage you all to start making and eating these sandwiches on a daily basis so you can compete next year. Good luck to those of you who survive.
The Valley Road Sandy:
What you'll need:
- Wheat bread
- Ranch Dressing
- Cheddar Cheese
- Ham (one of those big shrink wrapped ones that nobody ever buys)
- Bacon
Directions:
- Start with two slices of wheat bread, toasted.
- Apply ranch dressing to both slices of bread, liberally
- Cut two THICK slices of ham (the thicker the better), and place a slice of cheddar cheese on top (for thickness instructions refer to instructions on previously mentioned ham). Microwave the ham to melt the cheese. Time will vary depending on the girth of your ham slices.
- Once your microwave is free (preferably you have 2 microwaves) microwave 3 slices of bacon until crispy.
- Place crispy bacon slices on top of melted cheese/ham combo and cover with the second slice of toasted, ranched bread
- Slice down the middle so you can lift it.
- Complement your sandwich with a choice of frozen fried potato. The author suggests tots, but crinkle cut fries, wedges, or shoe string fries are more than acceptable.
Enjoy!
(the authors of this blog assume no responsibility for the affect the Valley Road Sandy has on the human body, mind or general condition. Thank you.)
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